Is it okay to have friends of opposite-sex?

[lady00]

I'm not offended. I respect your right to choose for your life what you want to choose. I'm annoyed with people who don't respect my choice. I don't really see your point with the word 'allow'.

 

I think allowing is something that comes into play in certain types of relationships (say parent-child relationships where the child needs permission to do something). I don't feel that it has a place in romantic relationships. My bf and I don't "allow" each other to have opposite sex friends. We merely respect each other's freedom to choose who to be friends with and we feel that each other has the good judgment not to do anything inappropriate and not to put ourselves in tempting situations (such as getting really drunk when we are alone with an attractive person of the opposite sex).

 

Some of my closest friends are males (some exes) and I'd never do anything with any of them. I trust my bf's judgment that he can handle being friends with women too.

[yumicecream]

I think allowing is something that comes into play in certain types of relationships (say parent-child relationships where the child needs permission to do something). I don't feel that it has a place in romantic relationships. My bf and I don't "allow" each other to have opposite sex friends. We merely respect each other's freedom to choose who to be friends with and we feel that each other has the good judgment not to do anything inappropriate and not to put ourselves in tempting situations (such as getting really drunk when we are alone with an attractive person of the opposite sex).

 

Well, thats just an argument with semantics if you're going to suggest something with the word 'allow'. If you read my post, you could see that I don't believe in imposing restrictions like that either.

 

Thing is, I know what people say about opposite sex friendships, and what really is. At least in my personal experiences. Fool me once, my fault, fool me twice...

 

But I'm not against another person's right to choose something different than what I've chosen for my romantic relationships. My parents never had the need to have deep friendships with men/women of the opposite sex and they were happily m arried and in love for 35 years and counting.

[lady00]

Well, thats just an argument with semantics if you're going to suggest something with the word 'allow'. If you read my post, you could see that I don't believe in imposing restrictions like that either.

 

Thing is, I know what people say about opposite sex friendships, and what really is. At least in my personal experiences. Fool me once, my fault, fool me twice...

 

But I'm not against another person's right to choose something different than what I've chosen for my romantic relationships. My parents never had the need to have deep friendships with men/women of the opposite sex and they were happily m arried and in love for 35 years and counting.

 

Yeah, I guess our upbringing and experiences shape how we feel about this stuff. Like I said in another post of mine, the concept of opposite sex friendships has been all around me growing up and currently I have a bunch of guy friends and my bf has a bunch of female friends. Same with all of my friends, and my parents. I've never had a negative experience with it in terms of cheating or being cheated on. I still think that if someone is going to cheat, they don't need friends to do it, they will do it with coworkers, acquaintances from outside work, and the list goes on.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Yeah, I guess our upbringing and experiences shape how we feel about this stuff. Like I said in another post of mine, the concept of opposite sex friendships has been all around me growing up and currently I have a bunch of guy friends and my bf has a bunch of female friends. Same with all of my friends, and my parents. I've never had a negative experience with it in terms of cheating or being cheated on. I still think that if someone is going to cheat, they don't need friends to do it, they will do it with coworkers, acquaintances from outside work, and the list goes on.

 

I agree completely with this.

[yumicecream]

Yeah, I guess our upbringing and experiences shape how we feel about this stuff. Like I said in another post of mine, the concept of opposite sex friendships has been all around me growing up and currently I have a bunch of guy friends and my bf has a bunch of female friends. Same with all of my friends, and my parents. I've never had a negative experience with it in terms of cheating or being cheated on. I still think that if someone is going to cheat, they don't need friends to do it, they will do it with coworkers, acquaintances from outside work, and the list goes on.

 

Perhaps part of it really does come from familial upbringing and the differences in approaches are not necessarily a bad thing. I mean, if your family ate tv dinners and joe's ate spaghetti with wine over a table, whose to truly say one is better than the other? Let Joe tell his own future family that he's making spaghetti every night if he wants to and believes its important.

[steve33]

Based upon my experiences, I would not trust a woman who has only m ale friends, or has a lot of male friends, and no or few female friends. They would cheat on me with these friends. It was like a ready replacement for me was always nearby. I would avoid these types of women in the future.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Based upon my experiences, I would not trust a woman who has only m ale friends, or has a lot of male friends, and no or few female friends. They would cheat on me with these friends. It was like a ready replacement for me was always nearby. I would avoid these types of women in the future.

 

I find that really insulting. The fact that I have a lot of guy friends does not mean I will cheat.

[lady00]

People keep arguing that having friends means the person will cheat. I still don't see how...if someone is going to cheat, they don't need to cheat with friends already. They will find someone. If a person would ordinarily be faithful but because they have friends of the opposite sex, they will cheat with them, that says volumes about that person's character and very little about the impact of having friends of the opposite sex.

[Lowconfidence]

People keep arguing that having friends means the person will cheat. I still don't see how...if someone is going to cheat, they don't need to cheat with friends already. They will find someone. If a person would ordinarily be faithful but because they have friends of the opposite sex, they will cheat with them, that says volumes about that person's character and very little about the impact of having friends of the opposite sex.

 

You forget a lot of people cheat with friends over a period of time. They become close and share moments which can lead to affairs. Doesn't happen all the time but it does.

 

Also a person not want to cheat right away in a relationship. As time goes by and boredom sets in, the opposite sex friend makes the perfect fit.

[Lowconfidence]

Based upon my experiences, I would not trust a woman who has only m ale friends, or has a lot of male friends, and no or few female friends. They would cheat on me with these friends. It was like a ready replacement for me was always nearby. I would avoid these types of women in the future.

 

I like the fact you said you would avoid these types of women in the future. Sure a few guy friends are okay, but if the majority of them were men? Next!

[lady00]

You forget a lot of people cheat with friends over a period of time. They become close and share moments which can lead to affairs. Doesn't happen all the time but it does.

 

Also a person not want to cheat right away in a relationship. As time goes by and boredom sets in, the opposite sex friend makes the perfect fit.

 

Well, no, I haven't forgotten. I know that people cheat with friends. I'm just saying that if someone is going to get bored and use that as a justification for cheating, they are going to cheat anyway, even if they have no friends of the opposite sex. If they are looking to cheat, they will find someone.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Based upon my experiences, I would not trust a woman who has only m ale friends, or has a lot of male friends, and no or few female friends. They would cheat on me with these friends. It was like a ready replacement for me was always nearby. I would avoid these types of women in the future.

 

 

Just because of your few experiences?

 

I have maybe 2 female friends that i'm close with, the rest of my friends are guys but they are all like my brother and I would NEVER cheat on anyone with any of them. So for you to say a girl would absolutely (without a doubt) cheat on you with these female friends is just wrong. Not every female is going to cheat on you just because she has a lot of male friends. A female can just as easily find some random guy to cheat on you with if she is going to cheat and it isn't going to matter whether all of her friends are guys or girls. Or worse, she can cheat on you with one of her female friends. Hm.. hows thaT?

[yumicecream]

On the idea that they will cheat anyways: not necessarily. If I'm in a candy shop, I'm more likely to eat candy than when I'm keeping myself away from the candy shop and eating a nice, healthy meal at my Mom's table.

 

I've seen a lot of people lied to about the "she's just my friend" situation...to me, there may be exceptions but the hurt that those people have inflicted makes the risk too much.

 

Often, people are simply lying.

 

Heres where you can get me: but when I had a whole bunch of male friends, I knew they all liked me. I basically used them for an ego boost or to make my bf jealous. I had to cut that out b/c I realized two can play that game. I haven't had a male friend I became close to where one or the other didn't have romantic feelings. Sex is sex and the opposite sex has something your girlfriend doesn't have and visa versa....even if everything else is the same about that person...sex is usually a factor unless the person is somehow sexless to you (in that case I've found that people won't fight as fervently to retain that friend in their lives).

 

Yes, there are exceptions: there are women who have some issues with women for whatever reason (Mom was mean, whatever it is) and mostly hang out with men.

 

(Personally, I don't deal with that issue b/c I find that men and women are equally as annoying for varying reasons. And equally as lovable for varying reasons).

 

And the remote possibility that someone is actually friends with the opposite sex for no other reasons besides platonic is there.

 

But to me, the risk is not worth the exception.

[TBE_1989]

Well, no, I haven't forgotten. I know that people cheat with friends. I'm just saying that if someone is going to get bored and use that as a justification for cheating, they are going to cheat anyway, even if they have no friends of the opposite sex. If they are looking to cheat, they will find someone.

 

I agree. Cheaters will cheat, non-cheaters will not cheat, end of.

[Batya33]

If i keep myself away from the candy shop entirely I am more likely to focus on how much I want the candy and the candy will seem far more appealing than if I have some candy in moderation. The analogy being, if I keep away from interacting with all men on a friendly basis but just see them superficially they will likely seem far more appealing than if I get to know them as people and discover they are far from perfect despite being pretty to look at. That was actually how I got over certain crushes I had (when I wasn't in a relationship) - I tried to get to know my crush to see if we could date and in the process realized that my attraction was largely looks-based and when I got to know them they were great people but the romantic chemistry/attraction was no longer there.

 

As far as people who choose to get romantically involved with platonic friends there is always that time of choice - that time before the line is crossed when the person can decide "danger zone - this is going in a direction it shouldn't so I need to avoid contact now". The people who choose to play with fire are those with a propensity to cheat and/or their current relationship is not going well.

 

It has almost nothing to do with the person in front of them with whom they decide to cross the line, because if they did not have a propensity to cheat, they would end their relationship first before being with the new person.

[D_Lish]

My only complaint would be, if my partners female friends were exes with who he had a long relationship and a sexual relationship....it would then become an issue.

I wouldn't mind him having other female aquaintances, who he was friendly with as in saying 'hello'.....but not a female aquaintance, he wanted to hang out with.

There is something 'sadly' wrong, when your guy or girl, feels a need to hang out with friends of the opposite sex, but I'd apply that to those 25+ years of age....

 

Younger people usually have a bf/gf, but they do hang out in the company of others, male and female a lot. At age 18 I had a bf, yet Id hang around with his friends when he wasnt there, who were males....didnt mean I fancied them or my guy had anything to worry about. Older people in relationships don't tend too want to hang out in the crowd as they did when younger.....least I don't feel that need anyway and most of my friends, no longer hang out with all and sundry and particularly now they are older/in a committed relationship.

 

If you are a person that has many friends, both male and female, then your friends should also be your partners friends and vice versa.....any friend they keep a secret or don't want to introduce you too.....is fishy!

[yumicecream]

I agree. Cheaters will cheat, non-cheaters will not cheat, end of.

 

I disagree, there is no end of in that statement.

 

If i keep myself away from the candy shop entirely I am more likely to focus on how much I want the candy and the candy will seem far more appealing than if I have some candy in moderation. The analogy being, if I keep away from interacting with all men on a friendly basis but just see them superficially they will likely seem far more appealing than if I get to know them as people and discover they are far from perfect despite being pretty to look at. That was actually how I got over certain crushes I had (when I wasn't in a relationship) - I tried to get to know my crush to see if we could date and in the process realized that my attraction was largely looks-based and when I got to know them they were great people but the romantic chemistry/attraction was no longer there.

 

As far as people who choose to get romantically involved with platonic friends there is always that time of choice - that time before the line is crossed when the person can decide "danger zone - this is going in a direction it shouldn't so I need to avoid contact now". The people who choose to play with fire are those with a propensity to cheat and/or their current relationship is not going well.

 

It has almost nothing to do with the person in front of them with whom they decide to cross the line, because if they did not have a propensity to cheat, they would end their relationship first before being with the new person.

 

 

Thats different. I know I'm personally not built that way. I tried the idea that I would remain friends with a man who rejected me in hopes of focusing on his flaws (and getting over him), but the dynamic was always still there: I had fallen in love with him. As long as he was around, it was much more difficult for me to look at any other man as a potential because the man I truly wanted was in my life. It became much better for me when I NCed him, when I took myself away from that temptation of sorts, and moved on.

 

As far as passing that line...if you're in your underwear in a private place instead of out in public with friends: you're more likely to do something you might not want to do. I think that its best to avoid the line altogether instead of tempting yourself.

[My Advice]

I have never had a temptation to sleep with my friends when I was in a relationship even if I found them attractive and I don't want to sleep with the majority of my friends now.

 

A relationship that only doesn't cheat because there aren't as many options around seems like a shallow one.

 

And I would avoid being attracted to a woman who doesn't respect me being close friends with females like I would the plague. I wont give up my female friends, including one that I was once in a relationship. They have been there a lot longer for me than whoever the next one might be.

[Batya33]

Obviously none of us should play with fire when we're in a relationship - I just cannot relate to someone who would define "playing with fire" as having close platonic friends of the opposite sex. Nor would I date a person who felt that way.

[JadedStar]

For me i guess the simplest way to explain it would be that I am pretty mature about relationships and friendships. If my SO had a female friend that sat really poorly with me, then there would be good reason. I am not unreasonable, there would have to be a dynamic there that I saw and felt serious trepidation over for good reason. And that said, since I know i am level headed on this,and I know my SO is too, if he couldn't listen to my reasoning about said friendship with female in question it would bother me and I might feel disrespected.

 

I would listen to his reasoning as well if the inverse were at play. Because i also know he is level headed and wouldn't demand I not befriend someone without serious reasons behind it.

 

We have not encountered this type of situation, but if we did, the above would be how i feel about it.

[My Advice]

Yummi the guy in question remained platonic with you. He rejected you. On his part, his gf never had to worry about him acting on you because he was simply not interested and never would be. A guy can have desires for someone but so long as the woman he is in love is in his life, those desires for someone else never have to be more than an attraction because he wouldn't need dwell on them.

[My Advice]

Dlish nothing wrong with being good friends with an ex. The fact you don't hate each other is a good thing. If a guy can demonstrate he only wants to be with you, then it shouldn't be an issue.

 

 

What is sadly wrong with feeling you should hang out with friends of the opposite sex? I think it is only sadly wrong when you feel you shouldn't, so long as you aren't tempted to cheat.

[JadedStar]

Yummi the guy in question remained platonic with you. He rejected you. On his part, his gf never had to worry about him acting on you because he was simply not interested and never would be. A guy can have desires for someone but so long as the woman he is in love is in his life, those desires for someone else never have to be more than an attraction because he wouldn't need dwell on them.

 

Very good post.

 

And no, that doesn't mean we have to become friends now that we keep agreeing.

 

LOL. Kidding

[My Advice]

Very good post.

 

And no, that doesn't mean we have to become friends now that we keep agreeing.

 

LOL. Kidding

 

lol jaded I was scared there for a moment. You are my enotalone arch nemesis.

[JadedStar]

lol jaded I was scared there for a moment. You are my enotalone arch nemesis.

 

Touche.

 

__________________