Is it okay to have friends of opposite-sex?

[lady00]

I definitely think it's a trust issue. I have read a lot of posts here that say otherwise, but I don't find the arguments convincing at all.

[lady00]

I'm curious, would it bother you if your husband met some attractive, younger, very friendly female either at work, the gym, one of his business functions, etc etc and started to develop a very intimate bond? A bond that leads to casual massages, hugs, sex stories, or just very other personal details?

 

I know this was not addressed to me, but I would like to respond anyway. I think that what you describe here sounds like it's emotional cheating, not friendship. Two very different things.

[Lowconfidence]

I know this was not addressed to me, but I would like to respond anyway. I think that what you describe here sounds like it's emotional cheating, not friendship. Two very different things.

 

But doesn't friendship involve sharing your lifestories? Whether it's about everyday life, your sex life, personal tragedies, etc etc. And sometimes there's casual physical contact, like putting your arm around the shoulder, hugs, shoulder rubs. Or what about little gifts here and there? Friends buy friends gifts.

[girl68]

I definitely think it's a trust issue. I have read a lot of posts here that say otherwise, but I don't find the arguments convincing at all.

 

Ok, let me try to answer this one last time. I trust my bf, but if he were to spend an inappropriate amount of time with a female friend, I would TRUST he's not doing anything inappropriate with her, but I would be jealous of the time spent with her. Being jealous doesn't mean I don't trust him.

 

Let me compare this to going to a porn convention (obviously the lap dance thing didn't work for the OP- it's not the same I know, but the IDEA IS the same). If he went to something like this I would believe and trust him that he's not going to be flirting or anything more. But, would I like it if he went and was surrounded by the world most beautiful women? Uhhh, no. It isn't a trust issue, becasue I know how faithful and committed he is to me.

 

Now, I don't see how you can't find this at least somewhat convincing? What is the problem with that?

 

I hope you don't go assuming that I'm some jealous freak that doesn't 'let' her bf do anything because that's not the case, he's very free to do much of this stuff (have female friends... hang out with them etc). But I'm just saying that me not liking a relationship between a girl and him isn't about always about if I trust him or not.

[girl68]

About the question from Lowconfidence.

 

I wouldn't like this at all. But I don't think it's emotional cheating. I'm not going to surgarcoat anything. The fact that she's "attractive, younger and very friendly" are words of death. So she's hot, sweet, and younger- GOD, who WOULDN'T be just a liiiiiitle bit threatened by this?

 

Yes, I'd be uncomfortable with how close they got, especially when a hot women is swapping sex stories with MY man- not cool. Massages? Casual massages from a flirty beautiful women- I'd kill her (exaggeration of course...). Sorry, but I don't know flirty girls who give "casual" massages- but that's just my observation.

 

So to conclude the fact, she's hot and young and flirty would make me uneasy. I know in my head that my man wouldn't persue this woman but what if secretly (most likely) he enjoyed the attention? THAT is what would bug me most- not the fact that he MIGHT do this.... or might do that... or is he cheating... etc.

[lady00]

Why would you be jealous of him spending time with another girl when you know that your bf would not do anything wrong? I don't see the trust/jealousy distinction as convincing because I don't understand why you would be jealous when you trust your bf and know he would not do anything inappropriate.

[girl68]

Why would you be jealous of him spending time with another girl when you know that your bf would not do anything wrong? I don't see the trust/jealousy distinction as convincing because I don't understand why you would be jealous when you trust your bf and know he would not do anything inappropriate.

 

Because I'm one of those "My man is all mine all the time". Yes, I know how absurd that sounds and I don't ACTUALLY believe that this is practical thinking but if I had my way, there would never be a single girl anywhere near him ever again. Please don't go off about how ridiculous this sounds- I'm well aware. (I'm not the only one other people also believe that when you are in love there is only "one apple of your eye" and this is what I'm describing here).

 

Can you understand that, you don't have to agree with me, like I don't agree with you, but I can see some of your points. I'm just trying to get you to understand how I can differntiate between jealousy and trust.

[lady00]

But doesn't friendship involve sharing your lifestories? Whether it's about everyday life, your sex life, personal tragedies, etc etc. And sometimes there's casual physical contact, like putting your arm around the shoulder, hugs, shoulder rubs. Or what about little gifts here and there? Friends buy friends gifts.

 

It is entirely possible to draw boundaries between what is true friendship and what is inappropriate/emotional cheating. For me the boundary is: would I do this if my boyfriend were sitting in the room with us? If not, then it's not something I should be doing.

 

To address your specific examples: no, I have not discussed my sex life with male friends. And they don't with me. It has not come up thus far in any of my friendships with guys. If asked for advise, I would probably give it if I could decide that if my bf were present, he would not be uncomfortable. If I was unsure about it, I would decline to discuss the subject. Example of this: my bf has given relationship advise to female friends of his with me present, when there was a sex issue involved. Nothing inappropriate there, as far as I am concerned (again, couples can figure this stuff out however they want). I might talk about it a bit with female friends, but even then I have pretty much stopped doing that altogether due to the privacy issue. I hug my male friends all the time. Nothing inappropriate there. I do not give my male friends shoulder rubs because that could be construed as flirting. I do give my male friends gifts if it's their birthday or if I see something that makes me think of them. Sure, why not.

[Marissa67]

If you say trust is not an issue, then just because you dont like the fact that your boyfriend hangs out with girls doesn't mean that you should not let him do it. I don't like a lot of the things that my boyfriend likes to do, but I would never try to control him. That is just being selfish. I know that his friendships are healthy for him and he enjoys them so why would I make him stop doing something that he enjoys which is harmless to me just because I dont like it?

 

If you are jealous of the time that he spends with other girls, then first, you have to think to yourself, HOW much time is he spending with those girls? If he is blowing you off to spend time with them or seeing them more often than you, then okay, your jealousy might be valid in that situation. But if he is just seeing his friends once in a while, then that jealousy is not healthy and it is not healthy for you to allow that jealousy to make you want him to stop being with his friends.

[lady00]

Because I'm one of those "My man is all mine all the time". Yes, I know how absurd that sounds and I don't ACTUALLY believe that this is practical thinking but if I had my way, there would never be a single girl anywhere near him ever again. Please don't go off about how ridiculous this sounds- I'm well aware. (I'm not the only one other people also believe that when you are in love there is only "one apple of your eye" and this is what I'm describing here).

 

Can you understand that, you don't have to agree with me, like I don't agree with you, but I can see some of your points. I'm just trying to get you to understand how I can differntiate between jealousy and trust.

 

I think we have to agree to disagree because our views on relationships are pretty much polar opposites of each other. No problem there, just observing that I don't think either of us is going to convince the other. Anyway, I think that the bottom line is: you should do whatever works for you that your bf agrees to. I can't say that there is something wrong with someone else's decision as a couple to do things a certain way because it's not my place. I just don't understand the rationale behind it or the relationship values behind it. But, it's not really necessary for me to understand or be convinced because it's other people's way of doing things and it works for them.

[girl68]

If you say trust is not an issue, then just because you dont like the fact that your boyfriend hangs out with girls doesn't mean that you should not let him do it. I don't like a lot of the things that my boyfriend likes to do, but I would never try to control him. That is just being selfish. I know that his friendships are healthy for him and he enjoys them so why would I make him stop doing something that he enjoys which is harmless to me just because I dont like it?

 

I think if you go back- I never said I don't let him do these things. He's free to have friends of both sexes... I was just trying to explain that me not liking him hanging out with girls doesn't mean I don't trust him. That was it. Which you finally seem to understand. Me personally, I do not restrict him when it comes to friends- male or female.

[girl68]

^ Hey, I'm not trying to convince you my ideaoly is best. I'm trying to explain how I can differentiate between trust and not liking something.

[Marissa67]

I think if you go back- I never said I don't let him do these things. He's free to have friends of both sexes... I was just trying to explain that me not liking him hanging out with girls doesn't mean I don't trust him. That was it. Which you finally seem to understand. Me personally, I do not restrict him when it comes to friends- male or female.

 

Oh, I wasn't specifically gearing my post towards you, it was just in general to any person who holds that view. But I think that's good that you dont' limit him. I do understand how you could not like it, I don't always like it either when my bf hangs out with his friends who are girls, I think that we are only human and it is only natural for us to feel a bit uneasy in that situation. But I just try to remind myself that a) I have a LOT of guy friends and he always lets me hang out with them and if he was to tell me I cant hang out with them then I would be really upset. b) he probably feels the same about his girl friends as i do about my guy friends, it is strictly friend-based and nothing further and c) I trust him. period.

[Lowconfidence]

I'm glad you have boundaries. Everyone is different and has what they see as cheating/flirting. Do you hug your guy friends in front of your bf? Do you share germs with your guy friends? Would you drink a straw that a guy friend has used in front of the BF?

 

I see you are 24. Say you when you get older and hit 30. Your husband/bf at the time becomes friends with a very cute/pretty girl who's only 19. Would that bother you?

 

I love hugging. I hug my female friends/acquintances whenever I get a chance. Almost all of them have bfs. I don't think they would appreciate a much older guy hugging their gf. But I would stop hugging if I got a gf because I find that disrepectful.

[Lowconfidence]

About the question from Lowconfidence.

 

I wouldn't like this at all. But I don't think it's emotional cheating. I'm not going to surgarcoat anything. The fact that she's "attractive, younger and very friendly" are words of death. So she's hot, sweet, and younger- GOD, who WOULDN'T be just a liiiiiitle bit threatened by this?

 

 

At the same time I don't think young guys like it when girls their age become very close friends with males who are much older.

 

But I think it's great you admit how jealous you truly are.

 

A lot of infidelity doesn't start right away. I believe most starts slowly, forging friendships first and sharing everyday life with the opposite sex. Why give the possiblity of an affair if you can cut it before it even begins?

[lady00]

I'm glad you have boundaries. Everyone is different and has what they see as cheating/flirting. Do you hug your guy friends in front of your bf? Do you share germs with your guy friends? Would you drink a straw that a guy friend has used in front of the BF?

 

I can't recall if I ever hugged a guy friend in front of a bf (I'm not much of a hugger, but I don't see a problem with this) but I do think that some of my bfs have hugged girls in front of me and it didn't bother me at all. Would I drink from the same straw? Yes, I don't see that as an issue. It's not like I'm making out with the guy (for instance, if my friends and I are doing shots, sometimes I might use the same one after someone else...might sound gross and there may be health reasons not too such as catching meningitis or catching a cold but, I don't see it as cheating).

 

I see you are 24. Say you when you get older and hit 30. Your husband/bf at the time becomes friends with a very cute/pretty girl who's only 19. Would that bother you?

 

No, my answer does no change because the ages change. If I trusted my bf, then no it would not bother me. To me, having an attractive friend is not a reason not to trust a bf or husband. If I ever get married, my future husband could cheat on me with a person of any age if that was what he chose to do. Hopefully I would not be with someone that would cheat, but I don't think the young age of a friend makes me more worried that a person will cheat on me.

 

Right now I am on the other side of this. I have a few male friends over 30 who are married or in relationships. For the most part, I have met and know their spouses. In some cases, however, I have not. Nothing inappropriate is going on with any of them and their wives have nothing to fear from me. And I don't think their wives are bothered by our friendships. My guess is if it bugged them so much, the husbands would choose to not spend time with me anymore. No problem there, just saying I don't see this happening so my best guess is their wives are not bothered by it. At least not the wives I have met. If they are hiding stuff from their wives, that is a whole other issue and I have no idea but like I said, for the most part I have met their wives and there is nothing secret about our friendships. So, putting myself on the flip side, I do not think the age of the female friend changes my answer. Not if I trust the guy I am with.

 

None of this is to suggest that I feel the need to run to my bf and tell him every time I hang out with a male friend, just as I would not feel the need to report to him about hanging with a female friend. But it is to say that hiding, lying and being secretive are not appropriate, whether it's to do with male friends, or anything else that might lead to the appearance of impropriety in the relationship if I were secretive about it.

[girl68]

At the same time I don't think young guys like it when girls their age become very close friends with males who are much older.

 

But I think it's great you admit how jealous you truly are.

 

I guess I forgot to add that what if a very fine fine looking man, let's say "tall dark and handsome" and me became very good friends (just like how you said) I don't think my man would like that one bit. Though I do believe he would trust me to not cross the line- but that wouldn't mean he has to be okay with it.

 

I won't pretend like I'm that cool gf who doesn't care if her bf looks, talks or whatever with other girls becasue I'm not. But what do I do about it? Nothing becasue I know it's harmless but I don't pretend like I feel nothing when I really just feel incredibly jealous.

[Mythical_Suicide]

To each their own. If it works for you, do it. Some people aren't comfortable with it but you just do whatever works best for you. I've always gotten along better with guys than I did with females so i've always had so many more guy friends. My best friend is a guy and my fiance is perfectly fine with it as he's also my fiance's best friend.

[Lowconfidence]

 

None of this is to suggest that I feel the need to run to my bf and tell him every time I hang out with a male friend, just as I would not feel the need to report to him about hanging with a female friend. But it is to say that hiding, lying and being secretive are not appropriate, whether it's to do with male friends, or anything else that might lead to the appearance of impropriety in the relationship if I were secretive about it.

 

Okay there's this one example I used about a married co-worker of mine. He's 36 and his wife is the same age. There is no reason for him to tell her everything about his work life. But I've seen him at work, giving the younger, cuter girls little treats and hugs. He's developing a strong bond with them. Now I'm not jealous because I have my own friendships with the younger cuter girls(I'm mentioning this in case you think I'm jealous). But I'm sure his wife wouldn't like seeing her husband physically touching someone who's better-looking or giving them little treats. Again that's what I would call emotional infidelity but he would probably just chalk it up to being friendly.

[girl68]

^ In that case I wouldn't call it emotional infidelity... but that's for his wife to call. I would however deem it crossing the line in appropriate behavior.

 

If my man was doing exactly that, I would be very very unhappy. I'd probably be more hurt than mad though.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I have a lot of guy friends. Certainly a lot more guy friends than girl friends. Not sure why.

 

Never had a problem with it. However, I have had guys develop feelings for me. I cut them off though as I know that I do not want it to get in the way of my relationship.

[Lowconfidence]

I have a lot of guy friends. Certainly a lot more guy friends than girl friends. Not sure why.

 

Never had a problem with it. However, I have had guys develop feelings for me. I cut them off though as I know that I do not want it to get in the way of my relationship.

 

taking a stab here, but I'm guessing you are above-average looking, maybe cute or pretty. i find the prettier a girl is the easier it is for her to develop more guy friends if she allows it.

 

sometimes i'll ask a pretty girl how many friends she has on facebook and she'll tell me it's in the high hundreds. ask a guy? it's always a lot lower.

[Cognitive_Canine]

taking a stab here, but I'm guessing you are above-average looking, maybe cute or pretty. i find the prettier a girl is the easier it is for her to develop more guy friends if she allows it.

 

sometimes i'll ask a pretty girl how many friends she has on facebook and she'll tell me it's in the high hundreds. ask a guy? it's always a lot lower.

 

Well, I think I'm good looking. But, I usually dress down a lot. I'm in an LDR. So, while I'm at college, I rock out the hair band, soccer shorts, and the baggy sweater. Now, only guys that actually want to be my friend (and not those looking to pick me up) talk to me.

 

I learned how to weed out the guys that were after more.

 

I have just always meshed better with guys than girls.

[Lowconfidence]

Well, I think I'm good looking. But, I usually dress down a lot. I'm in an LDR. So, while I'm at college, I rock out the hair band, soccer shorts, and the baggy sweater. Now, only guys that actually want to be my friend (and not those looking to pick me up) talk to me.

 

I learned how to weed out the guys that were after more.

 

I have just always meshed better with guys than girls.

 

No, guys can tell a pretty face no matter what kind of clothing you wear. In fact you probably attract more guys dressing down than dressing up. You appear more approachable. I'd definitely talk to you more with the way you dress now as opposed to all dolled up. That is if I was the same age as you.

[Cognitive_Canine]

No, guys can tell a pretty face no matter what kind of clothing you wear. In fact you probably attract more guys dressing down than dressing up. You appear more approachable. I'd definitely talk to you more with the way you dress now as opposed to all dolled up. That is if I was the same age as you.

 

Actually, I used to dress like I normally did when I first went to college. Which was almost always dressed up and poised.

 

I got overwhelmed with unwanted attention. Sure, it is flattering but I hate turning people down, even if I have a GREAT reason. haha. So, after a few weeks of school, I found out that if I ditched my mascara (the only makeup that I actually wear), the high heels, the skirts, and always pulled my hair back, guys left me alone. I've had a few guys ask me out since then but all of those were friends who later developed feelings for me. No randoms just coming up to me on the sidewalk.