Is it okay to have friends of opposite-sex?

[Lowconfidence]

Some people will never cross the line when it comes to opposite sex friends. Unfortunately there are those who either do it right away or later on in life when she/he gets bored or they share some incredible, intense moments. Just because you aren't sexually attracted to them right away doesn't mean you won't be having sex with them later. Temptation doesn't always have to be right now. It can come years later.

[Lowconfidence]

My ex screwed all three (and probably more that I don't know about) female 'friends'...who were co-workers. I wont date another man who feels he must make new friendships with other women.

If they have a close female friend, who they've known for a long time, when we start dating...then I have no problem with that.

 

I think the worst opposite sex friends are the co-workers. Too much time spent together, harmless flirtations that could lead to affairs. Be leery of close work relationships. Those are the worst.

[doyathink]

I think the worst opposite sex friends are the co-workers. Too much time spent together, harmless flirtations that could lead to affairs. Be leery of close work relationships. Those are the worst.

 

I agree with everything you've said in this thread. Sure, we can be friends with the opposite sex, but not close friends. Not hang out buddies. If we have a partner, then they should be our hang out friend anyway.

 

I have women friends who I can hang with when I need a buddy.

[Lowconfidence]

Flames are only going to be reignited if you allow them. It has nothing to do with the high divorce rate.

 

 

 

Because it's nice to actually have a guy there besides your man that you can go to for "guy" advice.

 

It's not for everyone and if it doesn't work for you, then good for you. However, it's not fair to sit there and say a person WILL cheat if they have friends of the opposite sex.

 

Do you think you would feel the same way when you turn 40 and your husband becomes close friends with a woman who's 20-24 and extremely cute/hot?

[Batya33]

Do you think you would feel the same way when you turn 40 and your husband becomes close friends with a woman who's 20-24 and extremely cute/hot?

 

I am 42 and would feel the same way as long as I believed she was a true friend - meaning respectful to me and supportive of our relationship. I have no worries about the age difference other than that in my case I would find it highly unusual for my SO to believe he had enough in common to be friends with a person half his age (as opposed to being a career-related mentor to the person or similar). Just like with all his women friends, I would want the opportunity to meet her and just like with all his women friends I would not feel comfortable if they spent one on one time together in a date like situation (unless I was invited and couldn't make it and it involved theater tickets or some other plan that couldn't be canceled easily).

 

I actually would feel more comfortable as far as temptation because my SO would not be tempted to be with a woman half his age even if he were single - it would feel weird and wrong to him. Having said that I've been with my SO long term, known him for years, and I've never worried about him being tempted to cheat based on someone's looks in particular (or based on anything else for that matter - I trust him, and he trusts me).

 

You seem to have this focus on turning 40 - I am 42, my SO is turning 42 and both of us look better than we did at 32 or younger.

[D_Lish]

Why would you want to be with somebody who is too weak to fight a temptation in the first place?

 

Don't recall saying I would...

I said, we don't know who will and can resist temptation and who can't...

 

I can resist temptation and have....but not everyone is the same.

 

I had absolutely no clue that my H was a weak person. When I met him, I never dreamed in a million years he'd cheat. None of us think our partners will ever cheat. Some won't and some will.....it's something we can't predict.

 

My current partner, I have no clue if he could/can resist temptation. I won't find out if he's a cheat or not, until and unless he cheats. He may, he may not....but he has my full trust meantime.

 

Just because you would never cheat and I would never cheat.....doesn't mean everyone is the same.

 

As far as why not be friends with HALF the population, because you are missing out on a lot of GREAT friendships with people who could give you as much as a friend as a partner does in a relationship. You are allowing insecurity to dominate your relationships which is unhealthy. You are allowing past bad exs who were obviously selfish jerks in the first place too much power.

 

Well I usually trust, until I'm given reason not too. But yes, when you have been cheated on and not just once but numerous times and by different partners, you are 'once bitten, twice shy'. Being cheated on, also makes you more aware that cheating CAN happen, DOES happen and at ANY time in a relationship. The fact that I had a 'womanising' father, have uncles and aunts who have cheated, have friends that have cheated and know of lots and lots of people who have cheated, also makes me fully aware that cheating is a COMMON occurrence, can happen at ANY time and to the best of people and infidelity can hit the happiest of partnerships/marriages.

 

My ex husband was allowed all of the 'freedom' he wanted in our marriage and he would come and go as he pleased. He would go off with his friends at weekends, clubbing and to bars, while I sat at home.

Because I never dreamed of cheating on him, I'd assumed he was the same and he'd never cheat on me....I'd trusted him completely!

[tictactoe2006]

I think the worst opposite sex friends are the co-workers. Too much time spent together, harmless flirtations that could lead to affairs. Be leery of close work relationships. Those are the worst.

 

 

I her ya - I go one step further though: there is reallyl no such thing as 'innocent flirting' when one party or the other is in a relationship.

[tictactoe2006]

I am 42 and would feel the same way as long as I believed she was a true friend - meaning respectful to me and supportive of our relationship.

 

And what if she was not so supportive of your relationship, and not respectful of you? And your partner couldn't see this, and continued the 'friendship'?

[Batya33]

And what if she was not so supportive of your relationship, and not respectful of you? And your partner couldn't see this, and continued the 'friendship'?

 

Then that would be a problem - with any friend, male or female -- nothing to do with opposite sex friends - that has to do with the general respect in a relationship and with priorities - so that, even if you cannot "see" what your SO says, that is the time to accept that your SO is uncomfortable and if it really seems irrational to you, then maybe you have to explore further or seek counseling, but the SO gets the benefit of the doubt.

 

I don't need someone to be actively supportive of the relationship, just not unsupportive, if that makes sense - i.e. if the friend has a party, I am invited too, if he declines plans with her because he has plans with me or cancels plans with her because I am not feeling well, she/he is understanding. Etc. - and same with male friends.

 

I almost ended a male friendship because he behaved in a way that was not respectful of my SO (was pushing me to make plans to see him on a date night and without my SO) and my friend's reaction was to step up to the plate and be respectful and apologetic, so I was willing to continue the friendship - and my SO felt comfortable with that.

 

Fortunately I picked someone who is almost always on the same wavelength as me when it comes to respect and priorities. I don't get along with all his friends all the time, and there have been issues where I felt certain of his friends were not behaving nicely to me, but we have worked on that together with success.

[Cognitive_Canine]

This thread is a lost cause, IMO. No one will alter their views on opposite sex friends being good or bad based on anything written here (Well, I'd be surprised if that did happen).

 

You guys can continue to limit your friendship abilities if it makes you feel better. And, we'll enjoy the many great friendships with people who happen to be guys for many many years.

 

This thread has run it's course.

[D_Lish]

This thread is a lost cause, IMO. No one will alter their views on opposite sex friends being good or bad based on anything written here (Well, I'd be surprised if that did happen).

 

You guys can continue to limit your friendship abilities if it makes you feel better. And, we'll enjoy the many great friendships with people who happen to be guys for many many years.

 

This thread has run it's course.

 

At the age of only 19 years old, I don't suppose you have ever been in a long term relationship, 10+ years, or in a marriage for 10+ years and you were CHEATED upon and by the person that you thought you could most trust in the world....your HUSBAND.

 

I know what 'betrayal' feels like, I know how it feels to be CHEATED on..... not ONCE, but many times.

 

I know, have felt and gone through the 'destruction' the 'devastation', the agony', the 'hurt and pain', that cheating brings..

 

And I will do EVERYTHING in my power, not to ever go through that heartbreak again....and I will take EVERY measure, to ensure that I don't have to go through it again...

 

Continue to allow your partner/any future partner, all the 'freedom' he wants and needs....and to enjoy the company of his exes and other females.

 

As I did and used too....

 

I wish you luck!

[Cognitive_Canine]

But, I firmly believe that if your husband had the ability to cheat on you, it didn't matter if he had female friends or not. It would happen eventually if something didn't happen in your relationship to change that.

[D_Lish]

But, I firmly believe that if your husband had the ability to cheat on you, it didn't matter if he had female friends or not. It would happen eventually if something didn't happen in your relationship to change that.

 

True! But I wasn't aware he had the ability to cheat, was I. Else I would never have set eyes on him in the first place....

 

Can you 100% say your partner will never cheat?

 

You will probably say, 'yes' you are sure. But that is what I thought also and is what thousands of thousands of other women think....yet they have gone on to be 'betrayed'...

 

They can cheat in any circumstance, in any surrounding and with anybody.

And it is because I am 'fully' aware of this fact and how easy cheating can happen, that I wouldn't like any partner of mine, to place himself in such a situation whereby an opportunity would be presented to cheat!! And that includes, with an ex he had a long term, emotional and sexual relationship/hanging out 'one to one' with a female friend/s...

 

I wouldn't mind him having friends, if they were friends of mine and I was being invited along.

 

If he encounters some random female on the street and it leads to more ....then I wasn't there to prevent that happening. Nothing I can do about that. If that happens, it happens....

 

But I can try to prevent cheating happening, by having him respect me enough, not to go on 'one on one' dates or hang out, with exes/close female friends.

[kenshinkitten]

I have a few guy friends not super close to any of them anymore.

I'm a very jealous person so if I had my way my boyfriend and I would only be with each other (opposite sex-wise) but that is weird.

He has a few friends that a re girls doesn't ever see them just talks online.

The major thing is not to let them interfere with your relationship and don't give them most of your time, it arouses suspicion and questions one's motives.

[Mythical_Suicide]

At the age of only 19 years old, I don't suppose you have ever been in a long term relationship, 10+ years, or in a marriage for 10+ years and you were CHEATED upon and by the person that you thought you could most trust in the world....your HUSBAND.

 

I know what 'betrayal' feels like, I know how it feels to be CHEATED on..... not ONCE, but many times.

 

I know, have felt and gone through the 'destruction' the 'devastation', the agony', the 'hurt and pain', that cheating brings..

 

 

Continue to allow your partner/any future partner, all the 'freedom' he wants and needs....and to enjoy the company of his exes and other females.

 

 

You don't have to be in a 10+ year marriage or be over a certain age to know what being betrayed feels like.

 

I was cheated on numerous times after being in a relationship for 3 1/2 years and having a child. I know what being betrayed feels like. I still give my fiance the freedom of having female friends why? because I fully trust him and can say without a doubt that he is 100% faithful and if he isn't faithful and ends up cheating then I will chalk that up to a lesson learned that he can't be trusted and move on. But just because he cheats doesn't mean my next guy will cheat.

[Mythical_Suicide]

But, I firmly believe that if your husband had the ability to cheat on you, it didn't matter if he had female friends or not. It would happen eventually if something didn't happen in your relationship to change that.

 

I agree completely. If your husband is going to cheat, he is going to cheat regardless. It doesn't make it any easier just because he has female friends.

[JadedStar]

Well I am your age, maybe older, and i have been thru several longterm relationships. The thing is, if someone is going to cheat on you it is going to happen. Curtailing their activities might prolong it from happening for a little while, but it is going to happen. Even tho Debaser is young, she makes some pretty poignant and insightful comments around here.

 

Your last statement about giving a partner the freedom he wants and needs, I just think that is a very problematic statement because you should be in a relationship with someone whose idea of freedom matches your own. Most relationships fail becuase two people who have very different ideals try to make a match, and rarely does it work if there is not a lot of compromise. If i have to allow my partner some freedom and tell him what he can do i might as well go get another puppy. Your partner should be at home with you or going out wtih you because that is what he wants, not because that is what he has been told should happen. Do that and then you will definitely be cheated on as he will want to do something just for spite or to feel independent of you. I have found in my relationships that when i was insecure and tried to control the outcome i ended up in worst shape in that relationship then the ones where i grew more secure and let things happen naturally. The more freedom i gave, the less they wanted it. There is soimething very appealing about a secure person who says "sure, go out and have a good time, I will be doing XYZ". Having a partner like that made me want to be with him even more becuase i felt so respected.

 

The bottom line is finding someone whose ideas on opp sex friendships closely match your own. This same is true for things like porn usage, or going out alone, etc. If you find someone whose ideals match yours or the ones that don't match you TALK IT THRU and come to an agreeable compromise then most of the time one will be fine. But what happens often is people who are very insecure and controlling end up with someone who is a free spirit and they both suck the life out of each other.

 

I am sorry your husband cheated on you. But i really think that he would have done that whether he was allowed to have female friends or not.

 

I truly wonder if there were stats on this if people who are very insecure end up getting cheated on more than those who are confident and who not only like to do their own thing sometimes, but also encourage it out of their partners. I'd be willing to bet that insecure people who try to control every outcome are cheated on more. Self Fulfilling prophecy. Now anyone can be cheated on yes, but i think sometmies insecure people push their partners to the limits and they do it out of sheer exasporation and not caring about the outcome anymore.

[yumicecream]

Debaser, you're the one who said she limits her friends to mostly guys (something I find bafflingly difficult to relate to)...don't you think that it has to do more with preference than some sort of freedom/limitation dichotomy?

[lady00]

I still give my fiance the freedom of having female friends why? because I fully trust him and can say without a doubt that he is 100% faithful and if he isn't faithful and ends up cheating then I will chalk that up to a lesson learned that he can't be trusted and move on. But just because he cheats doesn't mean my next guy will cheat.

 

Two words: thank you.

 

I also agree with Debaser Wolf 1000%. I'm done posting here here...I think we are all stuck in our ways and thank goodness I am enjoying wonderful friendships with men and my bf with women. I wouldn't have it any other way. I find it strange that some people insist of blaming the entire concept of friendship for the behavior of cheaters.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Debaser, you're the one who said she limits her friends to mostly guys (something I find bafflingly difficult to relate to)...don't you think that it has to do more with preference than some sort of freedom/limitation dichotomy?

 

I didn't say that. Most of my friends are indeed guys. But I do have plenty of girlfriends too. I'd say 70/30 guys to girls. That is because I just get along with them better. I have always been a bit of a tomboy on the inside.

[JadedStar]

I didn't say that. Most of my friends are indeed guys. But I do have plenty of girlfriends too. I'd say 70/30 guys to girls. That is because I just get along with them better. I have always been a bit of a tomboy on the inside.

 

Yep, i'm like that too. It isn't something i 'try' to do, but for some reason i relate easier to guys and i think the inner tomboy might very well be the common denominator. I love women friends too but i do have more ease making guy friends.

 

I do wonder about women tho who say they cannot have women friends. I think that to not be able to at all denotes some type of insecurity issues. Even tho i seem to get along better with guys for simple reasons as i don't like talking about shopping or going shopping, i don't like girls nights out that involve debauchery with ogling guys, and tihngs of that nature, it still doesnt mean i don't understand the value of having them as friends.

 

I just seem to have more male oriented interests.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Yep, i'm like that too. It isn't something i 'try' to do, but for some reason i relate easier to guys and i think the inner tomboy might very well be the common denominator. I love women friends too but i do have more ease making guy friends.

 

I do wonder about women tho who say they cannot have women friends. I think that to not be able to at all denotes some type of insecurity issues. Even tho i seem to get along better with guys for simple reasons as i don't like talking about shopping or going shopping, i don't like girls nights out that involve debauchery with ogling guys, and tihngs of that nature, it still doesnt mean i don't understand the value of having them as friends.

 

I just seem to have more male oriented interests.

 

Me neither. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I hated shopping, makeup, and most "girly" things. I have only recently (past 2 years) come to appreciate those things. Now, I enjoy shopping but prefer to do it alone.

Back, in high school, I couldn't relate to a lot of girls. I was in band which was highly male dominated and in quiz bowl, which was all guys cept for my best friend and I. So, that's what I was around.

 

Also, I don't mean to generalize (but am about to) a LOT of girls my age are more interested in drinking, dressing undesirably, and "hooking up" as I have noticed. Not all of course...I mean, I exist, others have to. However, I haven't found a group of girls that I enjoy being with in a group setting. Usually it is a mixed group that is most fun.

 

Finally, I also find girls who only have guy friends a bit weird too. Seems more like a competitive thing than anything else.

 

Edit: I was also a cheerleader but kept mainly to myself. Also, my japanese class (a majority of my close friends) is also male dominated. With 20 people in it, only 2 others were girls. One is no longer in the class and I don't much like the other one (she is kind of bossy).

[JadedStar]

You sound a lot like me when i was young. The girl firends i have are a lot like me in their tastes and such. I just can't pretend to like some activities that are very female dominated and yea, when i shop i like to do it alone and get in and out fast! LOL

 

Sorry to scare you by saying you sound a lot like me ! LMAO.

[Cognitive_Canine]

You sound a lot like me when i was young. The girl firends i have are a lot like me in their tastes and such. I just can't pretend to like some activities that are very female dominated and yea, when i shop i like to do it alone and get in and out fast! LOL

 

Sorry to scare you by saying you sound a lot like me ! LMAO.

 

Should I find that scary?

 

I also hate most female dominated music, "chick flicks", and female dominated tv shows. I find a lot of it condescending actually....

[JadedStar]

Should I find that scary?

 

I also hate most female dominated music, "chick flicks", and female dominated tv shows. I find a lot of it condescending actually....

 

So i take it you are not a sex in the city fan? LOL

 

I just dont' get that one. I cna't say i like it. LOL samantha's antics just remind me of a tramp. LOL And carrie is too wishy washy.