Is it okay to have friends of opposite-sex?

[Batya33]

But what if that early 20s female is mature beyond her age. What's wrong with befriending a much younger, hotter female? Are you saying your SO does not like talking to mature, hot, younger females? Because they do exist.

 

There's a big difference between "talking" and being friends. I am positive that my SO talks to all sorts of younger people- women and men as he goes through life. So do I. I am also positive that he wouldn't choose now to start a friendship with a woman in her 20s no matter how mature she was. We both have lots of friends and acquaintances already, so we're not looking for new friends. I think we have different definitions of "friendship" from what you have posted and I disagree that friendships should be cast aside just because you're older and may have added responsibilities - in my life, that is when friendships become even more important.

[Lowconfidence]

There's a big difference between "talking" and being friends. I am positive that my SO talks to all sorts of younger people- women and men as he goes through life. So do I. I am also positive that he wouldn't choose now to start a friendship with a woman in her 20s no matter how mature she was. We both have lots of friends and acquaintances already, so we're not looking for new friends. I think we have different definitions of "friendship" from what you have posted and I disagree that friendships should be cast aside just because you're older and may have added responsibilities - in my life, that is when friendships become even more important.

 

Are you saying that any new people who try and invite you to their world you would decline all the time? Isn't that sort of rude? Why can't your husband become friends with a much younger female thru work? Say she just moved to the city and attaches to your husband. Is it that wrong for her to befriend your husband?

 

I'm not trying to be argumentative, but you don't have kids. Do you actually think you'll have time for all your existing friends plus your newborns? That's assuming you do have children. And I don't know the status of your parents or your partner's parents, but as they age and develop diseases, aren't you going to spare a bit more time to see them?

[Batya33]

"Are you saying that any new people who try and invite you to their world you would decline all the time? Isn't that sort of rude? "

 

never said or meant that.

 

"Why can't your husband become friends with a much younger female thru work? Say she just moved to the city and attaches to your husband. Is it that wrong for her to befriend your husband?"

 

He is not yet my husband. It is not wrong of anyone to try to be friends with my husband. My only point was that he is not the type of person to be friends with a much younger person. He might mentor such a person, and has (as have I), but personal friends - would be highly unlikely. If that happened - highly unlikely - I would be fine with it if she was respectful and supportive of our relationship, if I was given the opportunity to meet her (just like any of his female friends), and if, when I met her, she treated me with respect. Then it would be fine.

 

"I'm not trying to be argumentative, but you don't have kids. Do you actually think you'll have time for all your existing friends plus your newborns? That's assuming you do have children. And I don't know the status of your parents or your partner's parents, but as they age and develop diseases, aren't you going to spare a bit more time to see them?"

 

We are planning on having kids. Many of our friends have kids and they most often manage to keep up friendships. Your example about aging parents makes little sense to me because my life has been based on juggling many different activities, work, family responsibilities, and friends for many years, both of our parents need our assistance as they get older, and none of that means giving up friends. It might mean less time for our friends, or being more creative in making time for friends (which I do now, with my friends who have newborns) but giving up close friends - I don't see any reason to do so especially if we have parents who need help and a newborn because at least my friends are very helpful and supportive and vice versa.

[My Advice]

Umm, this?

 

 

 

YOU SAID VERBATIM YOU CHOOSE TO STAY AWAY FROM GIRLS. LMAO

 

LOL!!! This was awsome! I love copy and paste! I wish in real life we had a built in recorder!

[My Advice]

I'm a very feminine woman ....I've mostly been attracted naturally to the type of men who hang out with other men or with a guy best friend ...I like manly men. So I've actually not had a problem with guys I've dated in this area this since that one guy. I don't have a problem with people who are fine with their SO's having close opposite sex friends. Personally, its not for me. I'm very compromising...at least I view myself that way: but there are definetly some things that I consider deal breakers.

 

Yummi there is nothing compromising with this. And being a manly man has nothing to do with having female friends. I know guys who are so masculine they are meat heads and they have tons of female friends. Any guy who lets a relationship control him THAT much is not manly. He's a poser. Not that there is any excuse for women either.

 

I could never have respect for a guy who lets a woman put this kind of shackle on him. He would be too weak for me to be friends with.

[My Advice]

But what if that early 20s female is mature beyond her age. What's wrong with befriending a much younger, hotter female? Are you saying your SO does not like talking to mature, hot, younger females? Because they do exist.

 

I never bought this men are less mature than women. There are MANY guys I know who are more mature than women and women are seeming less and less mature these days. Yes guys have become less educated than men on an average which makes somebody often less goal orientated. But educated or intellectual guys compete with women anyday depending on the emotion. People are taking blanket statistics and not considering what maturity even means and how many dimensions exist to it.

[Stardusk]

Generally speaking cross gender friendships are doomed to failure; they inevitably lead to the inevitable.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Generally speaking cross gender friendships are doomed to failure; they inevitably lead to the inevitable.

 

Say what???...

[Samedy]

say what???...

 

purple monkey dishwasher!!!

 

*That was originally written in all caps...but my all caps post was thwarted.

[TBE_1989]

I see absolutely nothing wrong with opposite sex friendships. Personally, I think people who do have a pretty shallow view of friendship and a one track mind.

[k-rock]

I don't think having friends of the opposite sex is a problem... but I think the degree of the friendship is important. If your in a relationship and your best friend (the person you go to with everything) is the opposite sex it's not a good idea. Since often, you fall in love with someone for not only their physical 'self' but also their emotional 'self'. If you feel deeply connected to someone and greatly enjoy spending time with them - I feel like it's only a matter of time before you develop romantic feelings for them.

[Enigmatika]

...and they call it "insecurity?"...

 

My H is NOT cool with opposite sex friendships. Can't blame him when I know what happens to his colleagues. He doesn't have opposite sex friendships. Why put more bullets in the gun?

 

To each their own.

[Batya33]

I think people whose values justify cheating will do so whether or not they have opposite sex friends. People whose values do not justify cheating will choose to resist temptation. Temptation can come from many different situations - friendship being one of many but I don't see the link between having opposite sex friends and temptation to have an affair. I see more of a link between being told not to have opposite sex friends and the temptation from the "forbidden fruit". I would think that people who are used to having friends of both sexes learn more about interacting with people of the opposite sex in a platonic way.

 

With all you quoted I didn't see any reference to any link between having platonic friends of the opposite sex and cheating.

 

I don't consider on line cyber sex adultery but I do consider it to be inconsistent with being in a committed relationship and of course the couple can decide what is off limits, what is cheating, etc.

[Enigmatika]

I think people whose values justify cheating will do so whether or not they have opposite sex friends. People whose values do not justify cheating will choose to resist temptation. Temptation can come from many different situations - friendship being one of many but I don't see the link between having opposite sex friends and temptation to have an affair. I see more of a link between being told not to have opposite sex friends and the temptation from the "forbidden fruit". I would think that people who are used to having friends of both sexes learn more about interacting with people of the opposite sex in a platonic way.

Tend to agree with you Batya33....however the stats are pretty horrific. The point in bold....is the slippery slope. Take a look at the Infidelity forums on link removed for the "we're just friends' line of explanation.

With all you quoted I didn't see any reference to any link between having platonic friends of the opposite sex and cheating.

Well....where do you think they meet so many of their "friends"....platonically speaking...that over time develop into "more"...slippery slope for some...and not for others. Boundaries are different things to different people. If it works for you, then it ain't broken.

 

Opposite Sex friends...are grand...when it is ONLY friendship. What's wrong with that? Nothing.

HOWEVER,.....as the stats tend to portray.... I didn't make them up...so don't shoot the messenger It doesn't look all that good in the long run based on the large number of broken marriages...

[Batya33]

Tend to agree with you Batya33....however the stats are pretty horrific. The point in bold....is the slippery slope. Take a look at the Infidelity forums on link removed for the "we're just friends' line of explanation.

 

To me the slippery slope requires a person whose values justify cheating. I don't think avoiding opposite sex friendships avoids the slippery slope and as I wrote, might make it more like "forbidden fruit".

[Cognitive_Canine]

I only have 3 problems with your stats. Flirting isn't cheating in my book. Sexual thoughts aren't cheating and rarely ever go anywhere. And, the sex one didn't say that they were in a relationship either. So, it's not really that bad of a thing.

 

And, I'd like to give my bf and I a little more credit on what we can handle. Stopping opposite sex relationships does not stop cheating. If he is going to cheat, he's going to cheat. Removing the chance of the situation happening does not remove the ability of him to cheat. thereforee, if he is a cheater, I would like to know now rather than remove all his options and find out years done the line when one did come up.

[Enigmatika]

Debaserwolf They're not 'my' stats. I found them,,.,and posted them.

And, I'd like to give my bf and I a little more credit on what we can handle.

I did too...and he cheated.. *oops* that was YEARS ago and kicked his as* to the curb

Stopping opposite sex relationships does not stop cheating.

True.

If he is going to cheat, he's going to cheat.

True

Removing the chance of the situation happening does not remove the ability of him to cheat.

Also true...but lowers the probability/ temptations not so ever present.

thereforee, if he is a cheater, I would like to know now rather than remove all his options and find out years done the line when one did come up.

The bummer of the matter is: They can CHEAT just as much after marriage.

 

So...bottom line. There are no guarantees. But why make it easier?

 

Whatever works for you is what is important.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Those are just some of my thoughts.

[lady00]

I don't worry about my bf cheating with female friends. I have never met a man in my life who does not have female friends and I know several male friends of mine have many female friends. So, at least based on the people I have met and befriended and based on my parents, siblings, extended family, all of them have friends of the opposite sex while in relationships or married. I guess you could say the concept of not having opposite sex friends is totally foreign to me in that regard because it's been around me my entire life. So, if I spend time worrying that my bf would cheat because he has female friends or worrying that he might think I am cheating because I have male friends, I might as well not date anyone because I've just never met anyone who would be OK with not having friends of the opposite sex.

 

It's one thing to say "no friends of the opposite sex," (I don't agree), it's another thing to say "friends of the opposite sex need to respect the relationship otherwise the friendship ends," (I agree).

[Batya33]

I wasn't disagreeing with your statistics (although I take all statistics with a grain of salt) just your interpretation of them as somehow linking having platonic friends to risks of cheating. I think as I wrote that often the risk is greater if you have no platonic friends of the opposite sex or if there are a lot of control/trust issues over that in the relationship.

[yumicecream]

To me, its about putting yourself in tempting situations. To me its silly to say that a hot girl becoming close friends with my boyfriend (esp. if she is the flirtacious type) isn't tempting. I admire a man who avoids tempting situations-- who also doesn't feel a dire need to go to other women for emotional support/connection.

 

As far as it being a shackle, please. I only go after men who want the same things I want. If I was forcing someone to do something they didn't want to do, I'd leave.

 

What I think is oppressive is people who choose to not understand that not everyone thinks that men/women who have tons of opposite friends are so cute are so wrong and bad and that it somehow should be imposed upon. I am not against you allowing your boyfriend/SO having as many female friends rubbing against him when they kiss his cheek goodbye in any way whatsoever...I say, allow him to live it up! It really doesn't bother me. I'd be oppressing you to say that you're wrong...to me, its a personal choice for my relationships. Altho, I have to admit that I sometimes have little respect for the girls who insist on spending all hours of the day in friendships with other women's boyfriends. Just saying.

[lady00]

I don't "allow" my bf to do anything. He does not need my permission. You seem to be offended because people disagree with you. I don't think it's any sort of accusation against you personally. Or maybe I missed a post where someone attacked you and if so, I apologize on their behalf. I don't think that is the point people are trying to get accross. We can strongly disagree with you and still respect your choice.

[yumicecream]

I don't "allow" my bf to do anything. He does not need my permission. You seem to be offended because people disagree with you. I don't think it's any sort of accusation against you personally. Or maybe I missed a post where someone attacked you and if so, I apologize on their behalf. I don't think that is the point people are trying to get accross. We can strongly disagree with you and still respect your choice.

 

I'm not offended. I respect your right to choose for your life what you want to choose. I'm annoyed with people who don't respect my choice. I don't really see your point with the word 'allow'.

[lady00]

Something I still don't understand though, is why having friends is a temptation. I can see being in bed with a hot person of the opposite sex as tempting, but simply being friends and hanging out? I don't see it.

[yumicecream]

Something I still don't understand though, is why having friends is a temptation. I can see being in bed with a hot person of the opposite sex as tempting, but simply being friends and hanging out? I don't see it.

 

I think a previous poster made a good point about the degree/level of friendship.