Is it okay to have friends of opposite-sex?

[Mythical_Suicide]

so I guess my girlfriend should be very afraid if I meet a new female and I think that female is attractive because I'm going to cheat when she "puts it out there".

 

Pretty much..

[Firiel]

Wow... this thread is still going. Well, I'll throw in my two cents, even though everything has basically been said.

 

I'm in a relationship, and I'm not going to let that relationship get in the way of my friends and me, regardless of gender. If my boyfriend lived near me, he'd always be invited if I was hanging out in mixed company or was planning on doing something with a guy friend, just because I genuinely love having him around. But I wouldn't give up my friends for him, and any guy that would ask/expect me to I would see as disrespectful of myself and my decisions.

 

When I first came to college this fall, my boyfriend was nervous about my guy friends (I have a couple of pretty close ones). He pulled the whole, "I trust you, but I don't trust the guys" card. And I told him that if he trusted me, he would trust my judgement to only hang out with those who would respect me and treat myself and my decisions seriously. Because I genuinely didn't want him to worry, though, I started telling him when I had plans to hang out with a guy one-on-one and told him the next time I talked to him if something happened spontaneously.

 

And after a couple weeks, he really genuinely started trusting me, despite having been cheated on by an ex who claimed the guy she ended up cheating with was "just a friend that she had no feelings whatsoever for."

 

That's just been my experience with the topic. I've never been tempted to cheat with a guy friend in the least...

[JimmerJammer]

When I first came to college this fall, my boyfriend was nervous about my guy friends (I have a couple of pretty close ones). He pulled the whole, "I trust you, but I don't trust the guys" card.

 

Firiel I know for many of the girls I knew that when I mentioned this "card" to them they responded in much of a similar manner to you and, while this doesn't apply for every female, I know that in most cases those guy friends tried to hit on them and tell them to cheat on me with them. Or something like that. In those cases some of those girls couldn't bring themselves to have to lose a friend because they felt "bad" or "guilty" or that well I know he may feel that way, but I will make sure nothing happens.

 

The sad reality though is that despite a girl thinking that she has the best judgement and can take care of herself that I also know of some girls who thought they had a friend who actually drugged them and sexually assaulted them. Or when sober had done some inappropriate things. How is that more acceptable? I guess when you get right down to it I get it that it's a matter of trusting and respecting your ability to have good judgement and ability in your decision making skills, but I have yet to see the partners perspective of "are you respecting and ultimately thinking of me too?" does a male friends apparent attraction for you hold no baring in what lack of respect he has for your relationship and the bf?

 

all and all you're very reasonable.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Some of my best friends are guys.. None of them have EVER hit on me or even as much hinted at being interested (Even when I was single) and most of them I have known well over 10 years. I think if all guys were all the same atleast one of them would have hit on me by now.

[JimmerJammer]

Some of my best friends are guys.. None of them have EVER hit on me or even as much hinted at being interested (Even when I was single) and most of them I have known well over 10 years. I think if all guys were all the same atleast one of them would have hit on me by now.

 

and that's why despite this fact Mythical I don't think it matters what your fiance were to do if that situation came up because it's only up to you how you handle it. In my experience a person just has to have a good, healthy, mature boundary in order to determine where they draw the line and to have a proper ethical boundary on what is deemed inappropriate and crosses the friendship line. Other than that it's not really up to the bf to really determine that for you and it also doesn't make sense to make accusations over something that one has no true control over, we deal with ourselves, we can't control the decisions others make.

 

That's also why based on what you said I think there ARE men out there who understand what you've mentioned and that's why they haven't hit on you and actually deem you as a friend to them. It doesn't mean it happens in all cases, sure, but that for the reasons I mentioned it's also why the spouse or lover of the person involved can only state where they are coming from and trust their bf/gf/fiance/wife/husband/etc to "do the right thing" as situations call for it. In this case that would possibly mean closing the door to friendship should their friend cross the line or what have you.

[looking_up]

In my experience dating one of my big red flags is man who has no female friends. If a man isn't capable of being just friends with a female then he most likely objectifies them. Women are an object to be owned. And I believe the same to be true about women not having male friends.

 

The exception to that for me is 'new' friends, if my bf all of a sudden has a new female friend he's hanging out with or spending time with outside of work and without me then I would be suspicious. But friendships they've developed before are just that, friendships. Don't let other peoples insecurities affect your relationship, what works for you may not work for others... nbd. If someone is pushing the issue you need to distance yourself from them, that's negative energy you and your partner don't need.

[Firiel]

 

I guess when you get right down to it I get it that it's a matter of trusting and respecting your ability to have good judgement and ability in your decision making skills, but I have yet to see the partners perspective of "are you respecting and ultimately thinking of me too?" does a male friends apparent attraction for you hold no baring in what lack of respect he has for your relationship and the bf?

 

 

I will admit that I (luckily) have never had to face a guy friend developing feelings for me while I am in a relationship. I'm a "few close friends" type of girl, so here at college I really only have five or six really close friends that I make time to hang out with... two of which are guys. So in my relationship with them, I am respecting and thinking of my boyfriend because I know that they both see me just as a friend. I know this because we met freshman year of college and for the whole first semester hung out, all of us unattached, without anything happening. I trust them like I'd trust my brothers.

 

If I did run into the situation where a guy friend was trying to get with me even though I was in a relationship, it'd be hard, but I'd have to either cut the friendship way down or cut it out of my life (depending on the severity of his disrespect). It's one of the many upsides of being just about average looking... guys don't fawn over me all the time!

 

The way I see my guy friends is the way I see some of my girl friends from high school... some of my girl friends are awesome, we get along great, have a ton in common, but I know I'd never be able to be a roommate with them.

 

My guy friends are awesome, we get along great, and have a ton in common, but I'd never be able to date them. They see me in the same way.

[Kiradoll]

I have a question for anyone here who is married or engaged...

 

How do you transition your social life into a married life? Because I know when couples are not married, they hang out with their friends a lot, whether it be together or alone or with opposite-sex or same-sex. But when you get married, I think it's not so appropriate to have such an active social life. Mostly because you have other responsibilities. Especially a social life without your partner.. it's just cruel to leave your partner at home alone and go out with your friends. So how do you transition into this mentality? Is it just a given that once youre married your social life changes? Do you talk about it? How does it work?

[Cognitive_Canine]

If I did run into the situation where a guy friend was trying to get with me even though I was in a relationship, it'd be hard, but I'd have to either cut the friendship way down or cut it out of my life

 

Same here. That is usually how I handle it. Either I get the "vibe" that the friend likes me and I pull back from him and avoid absolutely all situations in which we'd be alone.

 

Or, if they directly ask me out, I usually cut them out of my life completely.

[Mythical_Suicide]

I have a question for anyone here who is married or engaged...

 

How do you transition your social life into a married life? Because I know when couples are not married, they hang out with their friends a lot, whether it be together or alone or with opposite-sex or same-sex. But when you get married, I think it's not so appropriate to have such an active social life. Mostly because you have other responsibilities. Especially a social life without your partner.. it's just cruel to leave your partner at home alone and go out with your friends. So how do you transition into this mentality? Is it just a given that once youre married your social life changes? Do you talk about it? How does it work?

 

I hang out with my friends just like I would if I wasn't engaged. Very rarely do I hang out with just my friends alone anymore (Mostly for the fact I have a child that makes things a bit more difficult just going out) usually it's me, my fiance, my friend and their gf.

 

But when I do hang out one on one with my guy friend it is either when my fiance is at work or he is hanging out or doing something else. How do you figure that is "cruel"? Just because I am married or have a fiance i'm not allowed to have a social life on my own?

 

It's never been discussed, he has his own life and I have mine and we have one together. We love it the way it is.

[DiscoverE]

wow I'm so jealous of the people that are saying 'my bf/gf are cool with it' especially the last poster

 

It's never been discussed, he has his own life and I have mine and we have one together. We love it the way it is.

 

My gf has dozens of guy mates and quite frankly I hate it, not cos I think it's not right but cos I know what they're like but she doesn't really see it that way and when she ends up realizing what they're like...she doesn't learn from it. There are exceptions of course, I'm not saying all guys are like that...I'm not.

 

The reason I'm jealous though is cos my GF hates me talking to girls...to the limit that she's 'banned' it. Okay maybe that's cos there were problems in the past with me and girl-buds but I was an idiot teen. I wish though my gf would be laid back, I'm alright with her having a social life....yet I'm the more sociable in the relationship, but I'm not supposed to chat with gals....

[Mythical_Suicide]

wow I'm so jealous of the people that are saying 'my bf/gf are cool with it' especially the last poster

 

My gf has dozens of guy mates and quite frankly I hate it, not cos I think it's not right but cos I know what they're like but she doesn't really see it that way and when she ends up realizing what they're like...she doesn't learn from it. There are exceptions of course, I'm not saying all guys are like that...I'm not.

 

My fiance is cool with it because he knows none of my guy friends are interested in me in that way and knows I would never ever cheat on him especially with our friends. Also helps that nearly all of my guy friends were either friends with my fiance first, before I met them or have become friends with him since we've been together so there is a lot of respect and trust between them.

 

 

The reason I'm jealous though is cos my GF hates me talking to girls...to the limit that she's 'banned' it. Okay maybe that's cos there were problems in the past with me and girl-buds but I was an idiot teen. I wish though my gf would be laid back, I'm alright with her having a social life....yet I'm the more sociable in the relationship, but I'm not supposed to chat with gals....

 

 

That is just screwed up, She "banned" you from having girl friends but she is allowed to have guy friends? YEA RIGHT!! That would never work in my relationship. I'd refuse to have someone tell me I was "banned" from having friends of the opposite sex if they were allowed. It's stupid and immature.

[DiscoverE]

That is just screwed up, She "banned" you from having girl friends but she is allowed to have guy friends? YEA RIGHT!! That would never work in my relationship. I'd refuse to have someone tell me I was "banned" from having friends of the opposite sex if they were allowed. It's stupid and immature

 

I should get you to be a spokes person for me I agree and to tell you the truth it doesn't work, she knows it..I know it, but she's been hurt by me and now she's punishing me. When we argue about anything irrelevant, like couples do over small things, it goes around in a circle and ends up being about me talking with girls lol! notice I even laugh about it now, that's one of stages of my depression...I try to see the funny side

[My Advice]

DLISH, debasers age isn't a factor here. I am close to your age, have been in a long term relationship, and I agree with her.

 

There are men and women out there who I am 99% positive would never cheat. Yes, it hurts as bad as anything to be cheated on, but somebody with those low moral standards aren't going to be dissuaded by a friend and those who have close friends who would never cheat still wont do so. If I am with a woman who would cheat, then by all means go ahead so I can get hurt, hate her, curb kick her out of my life, and find a relationship that I know is REAL. A relationship that is loyal for more than just the reason that they don't have the right person around to do it with, because that isn't a very strong relationship then.

 

If that many of your ex's have cheated on you then you might want to evaluate why you are attracted to the men you are attracted to. Perhaps there is a pattern.

[My Advice]

I actually think it is quite disturbing that so many women think that level of control and demand should be a requirement to date them. I would run so fast away from someone with that attitude I would likely leave my shoes behind. It is also disturbing that so many people think they can't find a guy who wont cheat no matter how many women he is friends with.

[Samedy]

I think it's okay to be friends with women. Just make sure you have you cootie shots first...

 

sorry, I just felt like making a dumb post.

 

check mark for that.

[JadedStar]

I actually think it is quite disturbing that so many women think that level of control and demand should be a requirement to date them. I would run so fast away from someone with that attitude I would likely leave my shoes behind. It is also disturbing that so many people think they can't find a guy who wont cheat no matter how many women he is friends with.

 

yes, absolutely agree.

[chocolate-cake]

if you feel you need to put rules and regulations on ur man/girl then u shouldnt be in a relationship in the first place. All you need is mutral respect and using common sense like cuddling up to a dvd with opposite sex will upset ur partner and that u shuld introducte members of opposite sex to ur girl/man so everything is out in open.

[chocolate-cake]

this is redciulous she isnt ur mother how can u allow her to "ban" u, ur clearly not in a loving trusting relationship.

[Becca333]

I dont think its healthy for a boyfriend or girlfriend to hang out with friends of the opposite sex alone because I feel like they are playing with fire. They might have no intention of cheating or might not think there is an attraction or anything could happen between them but over time it could. Ive seen it happen too many times. My father and two of my sisters have done it with people they became friends with. In fact one of my sisters husband would tell me how much he trusted my sister 100% when she was hanging out alone with her guy friend just to find out they became more than just friends and she cheated on him for at least 3 yrs with the guy. Im sure there are people who can just remain platonic friends but why take the chance when you are in a relationship. It can be a risky situation. I dont mind my boyfriend talking on the phone with an old longtime gal friend of his but I dont find it necessary for him to go spend time alone somewhere with out me or her man with them hanging out all together. Ive also heard people in those situations who wanted their SO to completely trust them alone with the opposite sex turn around and say that "I didnt mean to do anything with her, it just happened" when they ended up cheating with the person. So yes there should be some boundaries in relationships even if there is complete trust.

[My Advice]

You are acting like they can't help it. I hang out with girls all the time who are in relationships and it's quite simple, they are in a relationship and no matter what they look like or who they are or even if they would do it, I wont.

 

 

It isn't an issue though because we BOTH see each other as just friends -- or at least I do, I don't know what they see me as.

[lady00]

I know I said I'd stay away from this thread but I feel compelled to respond with one simple question: whatever happened to self control?

[JadedStar]

^^BINGO

 

And i have said it before somewhere in these 33 pages but most people who cheat end up cheating with people they were not good friends with. Believe it or not it is actually more uncommon to hear of really good guy and girl friends cheating. It is usually a new coworker they start spending time with or someone they meet while out and something goes askew. Most people feel almost 'icky' to take a friendship with a really good guy or gal friend of opp sex to the level of sex.

 

With the age of online chat rooms that cater to everything from find a person to screw you behind your partner's back to sexy chats there is no way on earth a man or a woman would need to breach their friendship with people they are actually friends with to cheat. I'd be more leary of the internet adult sites vs someone's good friends.

 

In other words, often when someone cheats the SO never even KNEW that person and they were not good friends prior to the event.

[My Advice]

I absolutely agree with this 100%. It has always driven me crazy that you often can't be really good friends with a girl before you sleep with her but this is the one thing where it is an advantage. People often don't like to sleep with their really good friends. esp girls.

[DaveCummings]

And I will say again, my gf has many guy friends. It's actually the majority rather than minority. Does that mean that I should freak out and deny her the possibility of having male friends because she might not be able to contain herself like a kid in a candy shop? Reading these replies too much might cause me to wonder then just how innocent my gf's relationship is with a close friend of hers.

 

A person is asking if it's ok for your bf or gf to have friends of the opposite sex and I say well I think it's important to look at the person you're with. How are they handling this friendship with this opposite sex person? Through empathy I recognize that my gf cannot help herself and bring herself to tell her friends what she feels is inappropriate much because she feels bad about it, she's young so I get it. The thing being is that her closest guy friend is completely in love with her and just told her that he wants to buy her a christmas present that's around 400 dollars. She's had another male friend offer her money for sex and another male friend try to get her to cheat on me with him.

 

Yet despite it bothering me what they have said to her, I don't find it a problem she has friends. She has her judgement to work on and figure out and it's not my place to dictate to her what judgement she should lay upon people in her life. I trust her to make good and proper decisions and maybe in time it will happen and maybe not. All I know is that I would like to think I know her well enough that she can have male friends and she not feel the desire to be unfaithful to me. That's just the way I see it with my gf. Why would I deny her the chance to have male friends? The funny part being that I think in my case especially I SHOULD have good reason to tell her no and yet I just trust her not to. Am I foolish? Secure? Or maybe I see why it is I trust her and why I know we'll be fine, no matter how much money some male friend wants to spend on her.