1yr since MewSkitty commited suicide

[DN]

I talked with Chris just a few times and he was a kind and giving young man. I know he had some difficulties and that they may have overwhelmed him at a vulnerable time in his life. I often wish I had perhaps paid more attention and that something I, or somebody on here, said may have helped him.

 

But we did try because that is what this forum is for. Sometimes trying is just not quite enough but that doesn't mean that we should not try or blame ourselves because it was not quite all he needed.

 

And nor should you blame yourself in any way. What Chris said on here was often what he felt at that particular time - and that is not always what he meant in his heart of hearts. People say things when they are hurt that only have a transitory meaning and are not reflective of their real feelings for the people they love.

 

I have no doubt that Chris loved his family despite anything that he may have said. And that love for you came because deep down he knew he was loved by all of you.

 

I can only guess at the pain this must have caused you, I am a father and grandfather myself. But try to take comfort in his love for you and do not let this one act, taken at a dark moment, dim the light that he brought into your life, or the light that you brought into his.

[Perfect Dark]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

I think it's an amazing thing what you're doing by helping others, your son would have been proud.

 

x

[Mewskittys dad]

I was in Sterling, Co. when I learned of Chris's death and almost immediatlly headed for Emporia, Ks. were he lived with his mom. His older brother Steve was living with me in Sterling and joined me in our trip. Now most of you have read his last posting and for the most part it was accurate. upon arriving at his moms house things were purly caotic. Iam not going into details but i soon had to get out of there. I went for a walk and within just a half block or so I saw the biggest, brightest, shooting star ever. in my heart i knew then that things were good for Chris. The next morning i started contacting funeral homes to make arrangments. because of money we almost just woundup with Chris's ashs in a cardboard box from the state. but spending two and a half days dealing with funeral homes we finnally had a viewing and full services. all this time I'm thinking of all the other people that have gone through what I'm going through right now and didnt get any services. getting back to Sterling, we put together a very quick pokerrun to help pay for things. Soon after that my pickup broke down and I lost the use of my phone this all but kept me from working. I'll followup with more later

[sunset sun rise lover]

i didnt know him but read his post just now and it seems like he was really depressed a lot

[jengh]

I remember Chris well. I was actually just thinking that it's been about a year since his passing. He was such a sweet guy. I only privately talked with him a few times but whenever he IMed me, it was always so friendly and with excitement and smiley faces. I can't bring myself to remove him from my contact list.

 

I am so sorry for your loss. I think it's great that you've come to this site

[girl friend]

Hi' date=' I'am Chris's dad. Being that this is the first aniversary of Chris's death. I wanted to spend some time with some of you folks, that in some ways knew Chris better than I did. It wasnt until July this year that I found out that this was a site that he spent alot of time on and that the very last words that he had written was on this sit. I read alot of the responses that some of you had to my sons suicide and was overwelmed by them. Ill stay on line for awhile. And if anyone out there is thinking of taking your life and would like to know what its been like for me, please ask.[/quote']

 

Hi Fred

 

Man i'm sorry..

I remember so clearly the day your son posted his suicide letter on here..

I wish we had had more time to get to know him.

 

I wish depression hadn't taken him away.

 

I hope in his memory your suicide prevention work can be of some help.

Let me know if i can help at all with this project..

 

Theres a poem here thats often read at suicide prevention talks:

 

 

 

sincerely,

girl friend

[greywolf]

Today was my first time hearing of this. How sad.

[HellFrost666]

I was here, I talked to him. He was a good guy, and very funny.

 

I am sorry for your loss.

[Daligal83]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think you are truly honoring his memory with the work that you are doing. You are going to help so many people that feel the way your son did. I hope that you are proud of yourself and proud of your son and the way he touched so many people here.

[Roasted Carrots]

I didn't know Chris personally, but I have since read some of his posts and was very saddened to hear about what happened.

 

I hope you stick around ENA, I think you'll be able to offer some valuable insight, especially to people thinking about suicide.

 

My heart goes out to you and your family.

[southerngirl]

I am so sorry for your loss. I read this post earlier today and was at a loss as to what to say. He seemed like such a nice and caring person. I was saddened by what happened and wished that somehow he would have stopped and not done it.

 

I can only imagine the pain that you must have gone through and still go through. I honestly did not know him that well, but then I dont really know anyone on this forum that personally outside of here. I hope that you stick around though and let us be of some help to you if you need it.

 

As a mother myself of three my heart goes out to you.

[tiredofvampires]

I was not personally acquainted with your son (though I did hear about this later), and was absent from this site at the time of his last posting and thread -- which I have read through, beginning to end today. And the feelings I have of loss and sorrow are pretty staggering. I can only imagine what this year has brought for you, and my heart goes out to you for this tragedy.

 

I'm greatly heartened to know, though, that you are doing your part to make something come of this other than just pure personal suffering -- that you are taking action to bring awareness and understanding to others, to make of this a stand. Bless you for this work. It's a tribute at least, an act of the love you did have for him that I only wish your son was able to comprehend before such an end.

 

What strikes me in his last thread here is that he was so greatly diminished in his own eyes, unaware of how lovable, likeable and worthy he was. It seems to me, in contemplating deeply about people who take their lives, that it is oftentimes the ones who have the best hearts, the ones who cannot be desensitized to life, that retain a purity of being that are at such great risk, and do go forward with it. The ones who feel the most, hurt the most, so often. And so it is for all of us to reach out to the tenderest-hearted, with the tenderest of touch. I'm so sorry he felt so alone in this struggle, when in fact he was loved by so many. I feel so badly that he was unable to share the worst of the pain with anyone -- not on ENA, not with his family. I think the most afflicted by their depression are the ones that try to show the bravest face to the world, in an attempt to bury their feelings, and sadly, that can be their undoing. And that's why it's such a horrific shock to everyone who is left behind, feeling they fell short.

 

I don't believe there is a single person in this world who NO ONE loves. But that is the delusion so many people feel when they get to this point.

 

When I was exactly his age (the age at which he passed), I also was teetering on the edge. And so when I read or hear about this happening to another person, another soul...I go right back to that place, remembering how it felt, and I just feel so much remorse for anyone feeling that way. While I'm glad to still be here...I will never forget what that felt like, and so what your son was feeling is something I share with him, even though I didn't know him.

 

I hope you'll share more of your story of the last year, and your journey, as a tribute...maybe on the thread that has just been erected just for this purpose. Who better to tell it than you? And I hope you might find some solace and community here in the future. I'm sorry I didn't have a chance to know Chris, because he sounds like a wonderful person who graced this earth.

 

I'm sorry for all the pain you are going through, but continue your good works.

[CrashTestDummy]

I didn't know who Mewskitty was, but it's rather unfortunate to hear about this news... I'm sorry to hear what you had to go through... People who cry out for help should sometimes really be taken seriously although society these days call these people "emo". Really unfortunate...

 

I am very sorry to hear about this news... it must be hard going through this...

[itsallgrand]

The little bit I knew Chris, he was to me an incredibly sweet and sensitive soul.

There was an innocence about him.

 

It's so wonderful to see you here, and to hear of the work you are doing. I am so sorry for your loss.

 

My best wishes to you and your family.

[CrapAtNC]

MewsKitty's Dad, I only learned about your son's death just now, after finding this thread. I read your posts as well as some of your son's.

 

Firstly, we really can't allow ourselves to talk about 'maybes'. What happened happened, and maybe's could have just as easily made that happen sooner as much as later. It seems to me that the online world really was the only world for him, and it may have kept him going longer just as much as it may not.

 

Secondly, I admire greatly that you are doing positive things as a result of your loss. Reading that you're going back to study and start a foundation is incredibly inspiring; that you're also here to talk with others who may have suicidal thoughts is an incredibly kind thing to do, and for sure you will make a difference.

 

Please be careful, though: often depressed people want to commit suicide because they want to make others miss them as much as you miss Chris. There are many resources online that teach you how to talk to a suicidal person, and I can tell you will put a lot of effort and passion into doing a great job of putting them to such good use.

 

I've only experienced one friend committing suicide, and I remember thinking how worthless it was, as it meant the end to any future happiness as much as future pain ... and that it didn't have the intended effect; life went on, although, for many close to him, life seemed emptier and more precious.

 

You have my greatest sympathies, and I salute your ability to make something positive come out of your loss.

 

Take care.

[Shadows Light]

IThe next morning i started contacting funeral homes to make arrangments. because of money we almost just woundup with Chris's ashs in a cardboard box from the state. but spending two and a half days dealing with funeral homes we finnally had a viewing and full services. all this time I'm thinking of all the other people that have gone through what I'm going through right now and didnt get any services. getting back to Sterling' date=' we put together a very quick pokerrun to help pay for things. Soon after that my pickup broke down and I lost the use of my phone this all but kept me from working. I'll followup with more later[/quote']

 

I am so very sorry for your loss. I can not even imagine what you must have felt during that time of grieving. To add to it the frustration of having to bury a loved one and the phenominal costs of doing so.

 

I lost a brother in the early 90's. He put himself in a position to purposefully be killed since his attempts at suicide were unsuccessful.

While trying to keep my mother sane and whole during those initial days,

I was frustrated with all the details, financial mostly in just laying my brother to rest. After, I too went through the coulda / woulda / shoulda... thinking. In the end, it is what it is. We did the very best at the time with the information and resources we had. Prior to my brother finding his means of escape.... I had picked up the phone and made inquiries..... I told who ever would listen that he was in danger of harm to himself, and to others. All this fell on deaf ears, since in this state... a person has to already crossed the lines of the law before anyone would take action. Frustrating.

 

A Poker Run? Are you a rider by chance? I wasn't at the time, I am today. And one of the added benefits of being brothers/sisters of the wind are the charitable events we attend in helping each other out.

 

My thoughts and prayers go out to your and your family.

[lapseinjudgement]

I was not here around the time that Chris was here but i went back and read his posts. Its so sad he seemed like such a good kid.

I can only wish you continued strength and offer my condolences.

[Mewskittys dad]

I do have more of the story only its too long to post here. I did the story for my eng. comp. class this past spring. if any one knows how i can attach or copy it to this site let me know. other wise i could e mail it out. i have class soon so if i dont respond right away i will soon.

[jengh]

I do have more of the story only its too long topost here. Idid the storey for my eng. comp. class this past spring. if any one knows haw i can attach or copy it to this site let me know. other wise i could e mail it out. i have class soon so if i dont respond right away i will soon.

 

you could copy and paste the document onto a post if you'd like. I'd love to read it.

[Mewskittys dad]

My Son Is Gone

 

It was Tuesday, September 18, 2007. Early morning, about 6am. The phone rang; I noticed it was from my ex wife in Kansas. Being I had just talked with them yesterday, I knew something was wrong. I answered and was told that my son, Chris, wasn’t with us anymore. He had jumped off a bridge. I paused for a long time before I could speak. All I could say to Cindy (my ex) is that I’ll call back later.

Things were just starting to get better for me. My oldest son, Steve, was living with me and we had four jobs lined up. We were finally getting our business back on track for the first time since my surgery in November. We had a skirting job for a mobile home to do and three replacement window jobs on order when the call came.

After about a half hour of processing the call I just got. I called back. Cindy was hysterical and out of control. I realized that I would have to go to Kansas and take care of things. I told her that I will be there as soon as possible. I called my friend Tom, and told him what had happened. He knew Chris very well and was sorry about what happened. He offered to let me take one of his cars out to Kansas knowing that my truck would be very expensive. Then I called each of my customers to let them know that the work would be delayed. Every one of them asked what they could do to help. Being money was a great concern; they all pitched in and paid me in advance for the work that was scheduled. The next morning I was able to pick Tom’s car up and we were on our way.

The drive out there took about twelve hours. Steve was with me and he slept most of the time. My mind was full of thoughts of Chris growing up and the things that I would miss if he was still alive. He was a very thoughtful person. He would do most anything for anybody. He spent a lot of time on the computer, mostly on line with his girlfriend (Jesse). He probably spent too much time on the computer. It seemed that all he wanted to do was be on line. Maybe this was a warning sign, as he became more and more withdrawn, and didn’t want to spend much time with anybody else.

Once there, things were pretty chaotic. It was about 8pm. Cindy was crying and out of control. Miriah, Chris’ half sister was crying too. I tried to console them, but it seemed that they didn’t want to listen. Finally I went for a walk. It was a clear crisp night , no wind and quite pleasant. I realized that Chris probably walked this same route in the past. When all of a sudden, the brightest, biggest, most beautiful shooting star, shot accross my path. Now Chris was a big Pokeymon fan. His favorite was called Muu. Muu was a Pokemon that flew, leaving a trail of sparkles behind him. At that time I seemed to know that everything was okay with Chris, and that he was happy where he is now.

The next morning I was put to task to make funeral arrangements. Chris was at the morgue awaiting an autopsy. First I called a funeral home in Sterling because we wanted him to be buried by his grandmother. After letting them know what we wanted they told me that they would call me back soon. After a while they called and let me know that it would cost in excess of $7500.00 just to get him to Sterling for the services. Not counting the cemetery expenses and they wanted all the money up front. I told them that this was far too expensive for us. They suggested that we consider maybe a cremation. I really hadn’t thought about that option. I remember though that when my father died that his mother didn’t what him cremated. But I kept an open mind. I asked them to call me back with a price for that. They called me with a more reasonable price, but it didn’t include a viewing and services in Sterling would be with just his ashes. Well I wanted a viewing, so they offered that we go to the morgue and view Chris lying on a slab with a sheet over him, no preparation. That was the last time I talked with the folks in Sterling. I then called a funeral home in Kansas and pretty much got the same treatment. But when I called a second home in Kansas, even though they made the same claim, that they needed the money up front as well, I had a feeling about them. After, two or three calls to them. They invited us come in and visit. At first we talked about cremation, by this time I was willing to go with that but I insisted on a proper viewing and services. They agreed and we started the paperwork. Even though this was still out of our price range they were going to let us make payments. Just as we were about to sign the agreement, the funeral director came in and asked us what we really wanted. We told her that we would prefer a burial and she, with tears in her eyes, told us okay. Through all this I kept thinking to myself, about how much easier this would be if there was some kind of assistants program (a foundation) available to families in the same situation as we were.

Almost immediately we started doing what we can to raise funds. We did the usual things like putting Chris’ picture on collection jars and distributed them throughout various businesses. We set up a fund at the bank for contributions, and contacted friends and relatives. In a little over a week we raised about $1000.00. This helped but certainly didn’t cover all the expenses.

After about 10 days, the funeral home finally had Chris prepared for viewing. It was Friday, early evening; Cindy, Mariah, Steve, and I were able to spend as much time as we wanted with Chris. The funeral home did a very good job on Chris. He was dressed in a long-sleeved white shirt with tie and black dress pants. They had to brush his hair a little differently to cover up some injuries. There was makeup on his face and hands to cover bruising. After being the strong one over these past days, seeing my son, in this state, was just too much to handle. I broke down, I cried, I cried harder and longer than I have ever cried before. It was good.

Monday was the day of the services. Most of the guests were from Cindy’s side of the family. Lots of Steve’s cousins, aunts and uncle were there. Some of them traveling hundreds of miles to be there. They came from Colorado, South Dakota, and different parts of Kansas. The services were pretty basic. The pastor from the church that Chris attended did his thing. explaining how if we didn’t go to church and be saved that we will never go to heaven. What did he mean by that? Chris wasn’t saved. Services at the church wrapped up with a young lady singing a gospel song that was appropriate and she had a beautiful voice. I thanked her for the song.

After church services we went to the cemetery. There was the Hurst, funeral director, and the convoy of family members following close behind. Once there, we had a last paying of respects. Including playing a song by some country singer. It was called There Must Be A Hole In The Floor Of Heaven, I think. Chris wanted to play this song earlier that year at his grandmother’s funeral but the sound system at the funeral home wouldn’t work. After the normal mingling and such, everybody went about taking care of their own business.

Steve and I stayed in Kansas for just one more day then headed home. Back in Sterling, most of our time was spent getting caught up with our work. Being we were already paid for these jobs, we worked with no pay for almost a month. In the mean time Donna, the owner of Jambalaya’s in Merino suggested that we do a Poker Run as a fund raiser. We had to put this together quick, as it was already October and the weather has a lot to do with results. After a lot of fliers, verbal announcement, getting donations from local businesses for door prizes and auction we held the run on October 21st. it was a very low turnout, but thanks to the auction, we raised a little over $2000.00.

Suddenly, there wasn’t anything to do to keep me busy. My truck is broke down my phone has been shut off and I can’t find any work other than an occasional carpet cleaning or some handyman stuff. Pretty much, just enough to keep me in food, cigarettes, and whiskey. Steve was spending most of his time with friends and relatives and I was sinking deeper and deeper into this bottomless pit. Come Christmas time, Steve took off to help his mom in Kansas. Leaving me alone, for me to continue to sink. I had to move out of the house I was renting because by now I am 3 months behind in rent. Still no real work or now even the desire to do much of anything.

Then, in the first part of January, a neighbor of mine told me that he was going into college at N.J.C. and that it wasn’t costing him anything. I didn’t think much of it at first, but soon I reminded myself about the foundation. I got to thinking, that if I kept going in the same direction I was heading in. that it probably wouldn’t happen. So I went to the college and found out that I did qualified for funds to go to college and decided that the best way to put the foundation together was to get a better education. So here I am, taking business courses to guide me in the direction I need to be in.

Sure I miss Chris, I think about him all the time. But now, instead of wallowing in the cesspool of depression, I look forward to each day. For each day brings me closer to the goal I live for now. THE CHRISTOPHER BRACKNER FOUNDATION, helping families in need in the middle of great sorrow.

[annie24]

chris was such a sweet boy. i am so sorry he chose to leave this world so young. i think he had so much to offer. rest in peace chris.

[avman]

That's such a heartfelt story. I'm deeply touched.

 

Thank you for sharing that with all of us.

[Shadows Light]

Mewskitty's dad... WOW.. what an amazing story. I am truly sorry for the loss of your son. However, I am in awe of the way you've been able to bounce back.

[just M.E.]

I only pray that every person contemplating taking their life will read this thread. If only one person sees how this lose has affected not only you, Mewskitty's father, but all of the others touched by him here and elsewhere.

 

I only knew him slightly but it brought up past pains for me to hear of his passing last year. In my mind I could only imagine your pain. You have shown tremendous courage in coming here and giving us you story. If there were magic words, I would find them and take this pain away .....

[ImThatGirl]

I am so sorry for all of your pain. I am very glad to see that your experience has given you direction and you are working towards a degree and helping others in their times of need.