The Rules to Regaining Your Lost Love

[luckystar]

listen up!!!!!!!! did you not read this post??????????????

 

 

do NOT contact her!! dammit....stay away and let her come back to you....you will NOT win her back with the thinking you have now

[danimal77]

Lucky Star,

 

I broke down tonight and I called her. It was 12 days and when she first heard my voice, she immediately hung up and then I called back and she answered the phone and stayed on and asked me why I called her. I remained calm and talked to her like a man and not like a baby. She immediately told me that she's not there for me and no longer will be and she's moving on and that I can't hurt her anymore, like I used to, because she won't allow it. I didn't argue and I didn't disagree with her once, which left her silent. She then accused me of calling her up on Valentine's day and then hanging up, of which I didn't do. She actually believed me. I was surprised. It must have been the confidence in my voice. She even told me, if I'm asking if there's another guy, the answer is no and I said to her, that that's the last thing on my mind. She was once again speechless, but stood her ground very well. I on the other hand, mentioned to her, that I started chatting on line, with other women, which is . She's the one who's been doing that, not me. This left her silent again. It obviously made her think to herself. She kept asking me why I called her, almost expecting me to say that I miss her and love and you know what? I didn't say either of the above. She was in a hurry to go to class and couldn't talk, so I thanked her for listening to me and I then said, would it be possible if we talk some more, because I value her firendship, above anything else and she then quckly said, if you're asking if we could remain friends, the answer is no and then I said, that's not what I'm saying. I was leaving her very confused and she didn't hear me begging her to stay, or come back to her and this shocked her. I just know it. I asked her if we could talk later on tonight, when she gets back from her class and she asked me why? I said because I just want to and then she asked me why again and I answered her, because I just want to. She said for me to email her and I said that I don't do emails anymore and she said that she would call me after her class. I said very calmly bye and let go, without a struggle or fight, which is usually unheard of. Any feedback? Is she testing the water with me, for any reactions and did I do well and what do I do now, if she doesn't call me back? What do I think and how I do I proceed? One thing, the 12 days I hadn't called, allowed her to talk to me on the phone, where 12 days ago, she wouldn;t have given me that chance. What could another 2 weeks do. Her mention of moving on, is far from a lie. She is definitely dating and planning to move away, but part of me knows, that she is trying to be tough with me, but the calmer I was with her and the more I agreed with her and didn't argue, or keep her on the phone, or even beg her, the more she seemed to be secretely impressed. What should I do now? How shall I proceed? Did I screw it up. I know that if I would have waited another week, she would have probably been even more intrigued. Help please?

[danimal77]

Why does it have to be this hard though? When I used to screw up in the past, I would always apologize, buy her flowers and she would always cave in and come back, but she is adament on not wanting to be hurt again. She is hurting inside. I know it to be true. I did cave in, but she never thought that I could even hold out for 12 days. Dude, how could she come back, if she is now dating and planning to move to New York, to get over the bad memories. What would make this girl do a 180? You fall in love with someone, because there are things about that person that are so appealing to you, but when you end it, you just don't look back, otherwise, you wouldn't have left that person in the first place. A buddy of mine lost his ex and she started dating another guy and a year later, he has made no contact and neither has she. Another buddy of mine, is on 3 years, with no contact. How can this rule be so effective, if all it ends up doing, is to get us stronger to move on from the lost love and get over her/him? We truly forget, when we meet someone else and so do they. I didn't beg her tonight and I'm damn proud of that. Yes, I caved in, yes, but I don't believe that I left a bad taste in her mouth and definitely not resentment. It clarified to her that I am more than just "surviving" without her and that I'm still alive and am not begging for her return, but am just calling, because she was on my mind. This will not lead to resentment in my book. It will perhaps be the best test of all, because she said she would call me tonight, while I know fully well, that she won't, but what she doesn't know, is that I won't call her back. She is expecting me to call her back, of which I won't. This will confuse her, not really knowing why I called her in the first place. I didn't mention love, or I miss her and now I'm not following up with another call. She'll be thinking about this for days and maybe even weeks. Asking herself, "why didn't he beg me? why didn't he cry? why didn't he call me back, after I didn't call him back? Is he really changing? Is he really chatting with other women? Is he getting stronger? Does he not need me anymore? Am I making a mistake? Could I be wrong about him?" Guys, your feedback would be much appreciated. Thanks.

[danimal77]

Guys!!!

 

She actually called me back. I $%$% you not!!! She called me, just when a water pipe burst in my kitchen and I could barely even hear what she was saying to me. She called me to tell me that she was tired and that she was going to go to sleep, but she sounded so sweet. Like a friend, you know? Not like my sweetie, who was all lovey dovy, but like a friend. She actually called me. She didn't have to. I didn't beg her to. I was calm this afternoon and she actually called. I told her about my water leak in my kitchen and she told me to just calm down and call the plumber. I told her not to worry and I'll be okay and I said: "maybe we'll talk to each other soon" and she said sure. I said sleep well and she thanked me and said goodnight. This is a breakthrough. She felt no pressure from me and because of that, she picked up the phone. WOW!!! You guys all doubted me, no? I'm not saying she's in love with me, but if I take this slow and don't cave in again, she will realize that I am changing and by the way Lucky Star, I've dropped 15 pounds myself. She could have called me back to check up on the water leak, but that's more than okay that she didn't. I honestly didn't expect her to call and 2 weeks ago, she wouldn't have. She could have called me to want to talk tonight, but she chose to say that she's tired. Could be true, could be an excuse, but I take it as a test. Because the old me, would have made her feel bad, to not want to talk with me, but tonight, with exception to the water burst, she sensed that I was so much more understanding and we ended up saying goodnight in a soft way. I WILL NOT CONTACT HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you. Feel free to comment.

[dikaia880]

One of the rules is to move the opposite direction...Well in doing so I feel like I'm playing tug o' war... When I start distancing myself from her, she grips a little tighter and pulls back...so i give in a little...then I move back...just like a hard fought battle of tug 'o war. She gets mad when she's doing all the contacting...(she broke up with me, long distance got to her, i'm going back to her town for grad school in 5 months) She says it makes it seem like I don't care. So i feel bad and contact her, but it never leads to anything, just chit-chat. I love her very much and am afraid that distancing myself will eventually lead her to shutting the door for good. I believe with all my heart that when I get back to school we can try again (never really had any issues, plus when I asked what she wanted "I want it to be like it used to be, when you were here, I want you here") I think she holds on just tight enough to keep me in the fold so when I get back we can have a chance...why can't she just be open with me and talk about her real feelings...she usually just puts up her defenses when it all comes up. Do any of you go through this Tug 'O War, what are your feelings on it and distancing yourself to get someone back.

[fantasia2004]

To luckystar,

 

Read this post and tell me what you think..... I read everything and still need your opinion.....

 

I messed up the no contact rule and for that I paid the heartbreaking price for my actions. It still hurts and because of the pleading and begging my self respect and self esteem went out the door. Now I had no choice but to put a stop to it in order to move on with my life. Like I had said before it has not been easy and yet I am still emotional about what I did to myself and to my ex. He is dating someone now for 4 months. We had some contact but I had problems getting over him. Now he does not call me at all of course. But I wonder if he ever will. Or does it matter? I don't know if it constitutes harassment or obsession but it makes me feel really bad for engaging in this type of behavior.

 

I wish I had read your rules before I did what was wrong. I am ashamed of myself. I feel that I ruined any chance of a future relationship with my ex or friendship. I did this for 4 months and yet we had problems where borrowing money was involved and it got worse because of my vunerability. But that is another story.

 

Now I am slowly trying to wean myself off by starting over with the no contact rule again. I think even though it has been extremely hard, I will be okay and have a new look on life. I hope that I did not hurt my ex in any way and I respected his wishes to give him space and ceased all type of contact with him with a few exception of slip -ups email of course once!

 

Any advice was it an obsession or possession or plain passion of the heart? Is the no contact rule a revenge tactic? Do you advise people to seek revenge?

 

peace! What should I do at this point?

[Crushed]

Fantastic post.

 

I wish there was a was for us to keep this information or links in a saved file so we could easily go back and review the advice of for new people to find it.

[Stingseed]

Very true what you said in t he last post....They have to make that choice. They must realize on there own what they are missing. You can only offer them friendship after you leave them alone for a while and after you heal yourself. Very little contact can be given if they call you much but you must show them you have self esteem and they wil remember the person they fell in love with

[kate111]

I like the advice contained in this thread about the attitude to take to exes.

 

Can you help me in my situation?

 

My ex went away for 5 months and met someone else and didn't tell me until he got back. Meanwhile I had been waiting.

 

I got angry and told him in no uncertain terms that I considered it cheating and to exit my life. I didn't even give him the choice of "her or me"

 

I then applied "no contact" and refused to answer his calls.

 

the ex has tried a few times to initiate friendly contact but I have refused. He is living with the new girlfriend.

 

It has been a while since he last tried to contact me. I think he has given up.

 

What do you do after you have applied no contact? I mean there has to be some contact somewhere along the line for it to work?

 

I feel regret that I acted too hastily with no contact and didn't even give him a chance to decide. What do you think?

 

I have since got a lovely new boyfriend but I feel like I need closure with my ex or something. It is preventing me moving on. Did I employ no contact too rashly?

[Stingseed]

Lozza

 

I dont think you did anything wrong you love this person and if this person values your love then he will call. If it's been a while sense you talked to him and you may think he has forgotten about you but you are wrong even if he is living with someone. I would say if you are healed and can manage talking to him without break out in a rage or crying state then call him once and see just talk not about the realtionship, but about you. Be confident and happy about yourself he will see what he has lost and come to a conclusion. Remember don't bring up the realtionship till he does and trust me he will. Also don't show any hints of how you feel towards him he knows that already wait till he ask then be completely honest. Remember one important thing only call him if you are ready if you are not ready and make a call he will see a weak and unconfident you and thereforeeee try to string you along and not resepct you. If you want him back after you think it over remember that this will only be accomplished if the person chooses to and respect you for the person they fell in love with.

 

Be strong. If it is meant to be it will be. No matter what the obsticles. Show the person what they are missing.

 

Hope this helps

[Something funny]

I really think this is a great thread.

 

This is exactly the kind of tips I've gotten from friends who've been through similar situations. They say it's VERY common for the person breaking up to have serious doubts when they see the other person moving on. I've heard about this scenario multiple times, it seems very common:

 

- Girl breaks up with Guy

- Guy is totally heartbroken, wants Girl back

- Girl says no

- Time passes, Guy moves on

- Girl realizes what she's done

- Girl wants Guy back

 

And after that, either A or B happens..

 

A - They get back together

B - Guy doesn't want Girl anymore

 

So either way, it seems to be very common for the dumped person to gain control after having moved on. So, we should all focus on moving on!

[tropicaliris]

oh yeah you have to join as a member to view these messages, dont worry its totally free and totally worth the 2min sign up.

[ahhh2jz]

bump!! just read this awesome thread!

[regoms]

just read this thread and it makes a lot of sense. im on about 3 weeks since the break with my ex, and through this site (and her actions) ive realized that i need to stop Iming her(i havent called her at all since we broke) so i cut that line off, and as of yesterday i decided i would email her less.

 

and i think after reading this ill be emailing her even less than that. maybe not at all.

[Wandering_Sword]

Dieselmetfan

Q)why cant the drugs company come up with a patch (abit like smoking patches) that stop you feeling/jusitfying the need to call an ex.

 

Something like that does exist, except you have to go to a hardware store to get it. It's called a hammer

[Wandering_Sword]

Luckystar this is great stuff you've written. I'm on my seventh week of NC and holding on pretty well. I hope you and the others trying NC are doing just as well

[bubbles07]

Awesome post, really makes a lot of sense. I hope its true how you said that when a person does get bored in a relationship, they take that as if they don't love that person and just need to get out of the relationship to realize they love them.

[kate111]

Just bumping this up because it is uplifting.

[rocketinthesky]

good advice !!

[selkie]

lots of good points. But two I disagree on hotly.

Do contact call your ex a few brief times.

Be upbeat , sparkily and playful.

Then immediately be busy or disappear.

Also when you do start talking again dont limit it to 8 minutes.

30 minutes or less. But very light hearted.

[rocketinthesky]

no contact is a challenge. you cant really get back together unless you decide to break NC. this is mad

[Romantic Fool]

To be totally honest I've tried the NC and it works, but at the same time it only works if she still wants you if your "ultimate" goal is to be back with her. I'm currently going to follow the NC rule and see where it gets me, but I can tell you it goes against everything that I know. How can you not contact someone you love and want to spend the rest of your life with? I'm not in a depressed state. I'm in a shocked state. Reason being I never saw this coming nor did anyone around us. Thing that is the worst for me was I had bought a ring and was planning to propose in November. Well I guess only 2 months short of proposing, but still a real heartbreaker.

[phwfbd55]

i agree, its against everything i know too, but i guess if we dont do it we are only fooling ourselves, into thinking they will be back.

 

i feel i have made some progress with min, so why would drooping from the face of the earth be the best thing....i dunno, maybe for the simple fact that if she does contact me then that would be the assurence we need

 

i am so SUPER CONFUSED about this whole deal

[papalazarou]

ok nc is for you for you to heal to get back to the person you were before the sh2t hit the fan.

 

the person they fell in love with

 

if the other person contacts you then you can either ignore it or be polite but no talk about the pair of you. if you cant deal with the contact of find yourself analysing too much - they contacted me that means they still love me and want to get back together then no you are not.

 

on the other hand if you can deal with contacting the ex then fine but you may not get a response or worse still a leave me alone.

 

thats why nc is advocated wherever possible...

 

but of course at some point nc has to be broken...generally the advice is the dumper should make the first move but i grant thats not always the case in some instances you may have been dumped because the op had issues that they need time and space to deal with.

 

a good example would be depression, you may give your undying support/love but it may not be enough so in those circumstances you may want to contact the ex.

 

but the best thing you can do is start living again so if they do come back they find you in a better physical and mental state than what you were before the breakup/

 

please remember tho they will never forget you. they may not have the romantic feelings but they will never forget you and time as they say is a great healer. this time may also provide the clarity they need and indeed yourself.

 

you could do no worse than check out some of superdaves threads and of course majord. have a look on the search facilty, also i dont think he posts anymore but seek out some of friscodj musings as well.

 

at the end of the day we all want whats best for you!!!!

 

 

people do get back but lets face it they want the person they fell in love with!

[Romantic Fool]

I'd agree with you 100% on your post if I wasn't the person she fell in love with when she dumped me. Things where great we where talking about marriage,kids and longterm plans. Then out of nowhere everyone around us gets blindsided with her ending it over a bunch of reasons that where total horse * * * *. Then 5 days later she with her ex. Makes no sense, but I still love her and am maintaining the NC for now.