epson391 Posted April 16, 2010 Share Posted April 16, 2010 Well im on day 35 NC and really no word from the ex yet? Except 1 text message saying she knows she messed up around day 27 NC and I did not respond Link to comment
veralyn Posted April 17, 2010 Share Posted April 17, 2010 Wonderful post. I agree with these rules! I have a question though. Is it still possible to win back an ex's heart after they have already moved on and established a life without you? (not married or anything like that... just, have moved on) I WAS the dumper originally, and then after years of remaining very close "friends" and keeping in touch we got closer than ever before to getting back together, and i asked if we could give it another shot.... he said he will always love me but was really hurt and has had to learn to see me as just a friend.. it seems pretty hopeless, but it also seems as if every time I begin to move on and regress to my own life, he SOMEHOW senses this through the infinite lol, and reels me back in. I feel as though he still has love for me in his heart, he loved me for a very very long time, but that I'm not on his immediate radar anymore and it's more of a memory that makes him smile than a priority that makes his heart beat..... i really dont think he's thinking about me at all because we've been so distanced for so long (4 years apart form each other at school), but we have such a strong connection i think he WOULD be if we started talking again and he was reminded of the way we interact.. i think he just kind of forgot.. but i havent. but i dont think it's appropriate or beneficial for me to innitiate any more contact, we have a pretty complicated history and i think talking about it any more will just exhaust any potential. but at the same time, NOT talking about it leaves us hanging and dancing in circles of a relationship that is more complex than it needs to be should i just STOP talking to him? or should i try to prove i love him? or should i have a convo and establish that we are going to sever ties? i want to get back into his Link to comment
NeonLight Posted June 10, 2010 Share Posted June 10, 2010 Luckystar's this post has changed my life. However, I'm here @ @ . Please suggest me if you have time. Link to comment
paulod Posted June 10, 2010 Share Posted June 10, 2010 Great post!!! Have been NC/ Very LC with my ex.I agree with almost all of it of it apart from the bit about keeping the conversation to around 8mins, last time I spoke to my ex at work we were chatting for about 40mins!! was very comfortable talking to her, there was no awkwardness at all...if its like that, chat away I say! don't give too much away though..keep stuff to yourself (which is what I did) but engage in conversation...shows no hard feelings, no animosity..shows maturity I think, and shows that you can still communicate comfortably. Mind you she's in a major mood with me now, overheard me telling my mate that I'd been to a party with another woman...(The other woman took a shine to me but I wasn't interested so nothing happened) and I now have a few female friends that I go out with just as mates. Ohhh the evil look I got when my ex deliberately walked past me twice!! didn't know she was there, if I did,would have said nothing, I really do feel bad she overheard that, but what can I do?? just stay at home and pull the quilt over my head for the rest of my life?? or go live?? as hard as it is not being with her...gotta get on with living! Link to comment
okane24 Posted June 10, 2010 Share Posted June 10, 2010 These RULES and Advice are GOLDEN, to ME! After reading this, it calms me down and makes me SEE what I've done and am doing WRONG. I'm suffocating and smothering the girl I LOVE the most... Last night my current girlfriend told me I was "emotionally" choking her. WOW! What a wake up call.... I feel totally horrible that I let it get to that point. Shes leaving soon, back to her home country of Korea. And to top it off, she leaves to go to New York for a whole week in a few days... My time with her is Running out and I am HOLDING ON TOO TIGHT! I'm suffocating her and I feel Totally stupid and angry at myself. I MENTALLY KNOW I'm doing this, but its sooo hard not to tell her how I Feel and keep my emotions in CHECK. Well, It definitely BACKFIRED last night. I told her how much I loved her and we don't have much time together, blah blah blah... She wants to be Free... And CHOOSE to be with me, not to be forced. SO, as of today, I"M GOING TO DO MY ABSOLUTE BEST, to LEAVE HER ALONE.............. It'll be incredibly hard, but I have to do it. I know she loves me. And if I work on myself and give her time to Breathe, she'll Love me more. Some girls wont even tell you, but shes told me and TAUGHT ME how to love her, but Apparently I haven't been listening... I hope its not too late... I was going to surprise her and buy her breakfast and drive her to school (college) today, because its raining, BUT... I'm not going to. I have to leave her alone. I wanted to text her, Good morning, but I'm not. I'm going to leave her alone. I want to EMPLOY and FOLLOW all the rules posted on this AMAZING thread. I need to work on myself and enjoy MY TIME. She ALWAYS loves me MORE when I do, and I've gotten away from that. I just pray for the strength and discipline and fortitude to KEEP AWAY from her and make her Chase, and help me get back on my feet... I really want to get better (mentally and emotionally) with or without her. Thanks for this post. I'm starting the RULES NOW! Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 I thought this was a nice post too. I just thought it was difficult to read. So, with all appropriate credit to the original poster, here it is again with a little "breathing space" (and numbering) inserted for readability. Makes all the difference in the world, I think. * * * * * * * The Rules to Regaining Your Lost Love When reading these rules , you definitely will think that these 20 rules will drive your Lost Mate even farther away ...but, if ever you feel you just can't agree with them then ask yourself, 'is what I'm doing now working?' Aha! I may have a point, then - right?! If what you are doing now isn't working, then why do you want to keep doing it? Why do you keep banging your head against the wall? Here are 20 Rules for Reclaiming your Lost Mate: 1. Always agree with your Lost Mate, no matter what. Translation: "Yes, you are right. My mother is a tub of brainless lard." 2. Date again. Even if you have to hire a date from an escort service! Date again whether, or not, you have absolutely any desire of ever being with another person ever again! 3. Want out of the relationship, too. If your Lost Mate wants a divorce, say, 'Yes. I agree with you. As much as I'd like our marriage to work out, I can see that it will not. I'll get in contact with my lawyer tomorrow." 4. Always keep a cheery, calm, soothing voice, and an air of happy resignation about you. Translation: I am happy, too, to get this over with and move on with my life. In fact, I'm looking forward to it. 5. Get outside interests and hobbies. Make new friends. Establish your individualism and your uniqueness - separate from that of your Lost Mate. 6. Never, ever chase after your Lost Mate, or plead and beg with your Lost Mate to reconsider. Never, ever promise your Lost Mate that you will change, or that you have changed. This never works. It just chases your Lost Mate even farther away. Stop chasing, and start moving in the opposite direction. But always do this in a friendly, nice, and cheery way. Again, never disagree with them, as disagreeing with them attacks their pride and forces them to naturally take a stand against you, in order to protect and defend themselves. 7. Never tell your Lost Mate that you love them, especially as a bargaining (begging) tool to try to win them back. If they ask you if you love them answer truthfully, but never, ever offer those words unsolicited. 8. Be mysterious, even secretive, with your 'new' life. Be a creature unlike any other. Display self-confidence, self-assurance, and a 'who needs you' attitude. But remember, even though you love yourself immensely you can still be congenial, agreeable, and cheerful! 9. Go to parties, social events, dances, etc. even if you don't feel like it. Make it look like you are avidly eager to 'get on with your new singlehood'. 10. Consider placing a singles ad, or placing a love profile, with a matchmaking service. 11. Never call them - and if they call you, keep the conversation brief, limiting it to about eight-minutes max. Always be the first to end the conversation. Be polite and friendly. Rarely, if ever, return their calls. After all, you are just soooo busy with your new life! 12. Buyer beware! Seriously take a look at your Lost Mate. Examine their issues, their quirks, their flaws, their faults. Observe them in their daily routines. Take off your blinders! Is this someone you really want to be with, or is this simply someone you feel the urgent 'need' to be with? Remember, our desires can create in us a false sense of urgency. We don't 'need' anybody! A simple fact! 13. Be too busy to keep customary dates. For instance, if you and your Lost Mate usually meet for lunch on Tuesday afternoons, be 'just too busy to make this Tuesday's luncheon date'. 14. Be humble and agree with your Lost Mate's personal attacks on you. Never attempt to defend yourself. Translation: If your Lost Mate says that you were a lying cheat, agree with them. "Yes, you're right. I was a lying cheat. That must have hurt you a lot. Why I don't blame you for not wanting to be with me. I'm such a cad." This actually makes your mate take your side and defend you, or your actions. Kewl, huh? 15. Stop believing you need them. You don't need anybody, and, indeed, the more you believe you need somebody the less likely you are to have them. Love is nice, relationships are nice, but they're not essential. You don't have to have them. The more you feel you need something, the more likely you are to radiate an air of anxiety, and panic - and the more likely you are to slip and attack your Lost Mate's pride, because the more you feel you need something the more you feel that the object of your need has stripped you of your very own pride. Need strips us of our pride. Your goal is to emit an air of peace and happiness with your current singlehood. 16. Stop working toward saving your relationship and start working toward getting a new life. 17. Play hard to get. People love challenges, they love the hunt, they want something that they cannot have. Fact! Don't be so readily available. Give them something to work at, give them the thrill of the chase. Often, people love the chase, but become bored once the chase is over. Boredom can masks itself as lack of love, or caring. They actually believe that they have fallen out of love, or just can't love the other like they think the other deserves to be loved. But, in reality, they are just plain bored to death with the relationship! 18. Make plans to move out. Look for a studio apartment, shop for furniture, etc. Play the game all the way. 19. Get a life! Make your life better than ever. Change things about you that you didn't like. Try new things, develop new interests. Climb mountains, join a gym, take dance lessons, join a pool tournament. Get out there and have fun, experience all the adventures that you have been missing by being in a relationship. Live! 20. Last, but not least. Keep doing these above rules, even when it looks like you're not getting anywhere. Never waver. Link to comment
faithful14 Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 I wonder if lucky ever got his ex back? Link to comment
Hi Its Me Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 Hello, I have been reading this Forum all day so I decided to sign up and ask for help/ advice. I am 27 years old, male and until last Monday I was engaged to be married. Here is a bit of background (cliffs) * We bumped into each other in early 2008 (in a club) but I was too intimidated by her beauty to even talk to her and later on, by some miracle, she ended up getting a job in my office * Still didn't talk to her even after working together for 4 months but we eventually spoke and hit it off immediately after saying "Hello" * She dragged me with her literally every day/ night for the next 2 months and we became very close * Discovered our feelings for each other on her birthday and that is when we had our first kiss Fast forward 2 years, I have a business trip in Vegas/ LA for a month and manage to get her to come with me. After some planning from my end, etc I manage to propose on a Malibu beach at sunset - she says yes immediately and it was heaven. Unfortunately, just 2 months later the business goes down the toilet (recession) and she loses her job too. Neither of us could find a job and after 3 months of using up our savings and the bank paying us visits, our relationship was becoming very strained due to the pressure but finally, she lands a job in the UK and leaves within weeks. I soon followed her there, left everything and just flew to the UK so we could be together. The only job I could find paid next to nothing with very long hours and after 4 months, my mental state was not good at all as financial problems were really getting the better of me. We had started to drift, argue often and this one time she got really drunk, hit me and I reacted. I only pushed her with no real force but she lost her footing, fell on the street and got hurt (nothing serious, only bruises). I could no longer watch us starting to hate each other, she was/ still is the love of my life and I could not bare seeing her that way. I packed my things and moved back to our country and found a good job within days. After 3 months of not being together (but in constant contact) she decided that she wants to be with me again and in December 2011 she took time off work to come home to me. The next two months were nothing short of amazing, yes we did argue but who doesn't? Everything was better than ever before and we even started talking about marriage. In March, she had to go back but the first thing she did was apply for a transfer back to our country. They agreed to a 6 month transfer which started last Monday, 30th May 2012. In between, I visited often and it was a blast as we got closer and closer, with my last visit being 3 weeks before she was due to come home. During the final week of her being in the UK, I noticed that she was not in contact as much as before but I assumed this was because she was busy packing, preparing for the move, etc. Last Monday I was eagerly awaiting her arrival at the airport and as soon as she was out of the door, I rushed to kiss the love of my life only for her to turn her face and say "We need to talk". When we got home, she told me she no longer felt 'in love' with me, could not see herself with me and had absolutely no desire to continue the relationship. This all came as a huge shock to me and I could not believe the absolute lack of any emotion from her end as she told me these words. I left our house, drove to the pub and then slept at my parents house. During this time, she started to text, telling me that she does love and care for me a lot but does not want to be with me. I tried looking for answers, asking how things could have changed in just 3 weeks and told her the pictures we took together in mid-April show her eyes and smile to be full of love. All I got was "things change" We met for a bit on Tuesday morning, just a short 30 minute walk and she told me that I need to learn to love myself before someone can love me (?!) and that certain things that happened between us, such as the big arguments and the pushing incident (from over a year ago) made her unsure if living together was such a great idea. I explained that we both grew to be more mature and rational (especially myself) but she would not listen so I left. Last night she asks me to meet up and at 9pm was over to our house, she didn't invite me in but got in the car and asked if I felt like going for dinner, which we did. Dinner went fine, we laughed, talked (about normal stuff) and ate good food and had a bottle of wine between us. During the drive back home, she kept smiling at me and the look in her eyes when mine met hers were telling me that she feels very different than what she is trying to show. It was like I could see the love in her eyes, the look I had been seeing for the last 3.5 years! With that in mind, I asked her to kiss me, not in a silly way but for a reason. I told her that if she kissed me and felt nothing, like she says she does, I will never bother her again but if she does feel something then we should talk. We have been together for over 3 years so its not like I am a stranger but when I asked her that she sort-of blushed, went on the defensive and refused but again something about her was telling me different than her words. I should have went for it I guess but I just drove off (calmly) after she stepped out. I texted her this again when I was in bed and this morning she called, told me she read my text (nothing else) and hung up as she had to do some house cleaning. I love her with all my heart and want us to be together again. Why is she still keeping in contact with me if she says she has absolutely no feelings towards me? Why does she say she loves me still but not in the way I would like? And why would her eyes and expressions be so different to the words she is telling me? I want to win her back, be together and spend the rest of our lives together... Please help! Link to comment
dumPI Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 Welcome It's me you'll get more answers if you open your own thread. Do it and I'll provide my opinion there too! Link to comment
Hi Its Me Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 Welcome It's me you'll get more answers if you open your own thread. Do it and I'll provide my opinion there too! I followed your advice and opened my own thread and posted an update since my OP over here. Thank you mate Link to comment
Imadreamer Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 Hi everyone I have following this thread for a while. I would desperately like some help. I'm a married. I had this extramarital relation with a for the last one year. We were both crazy about each other. But she started feeling suffocated and now she says she doesn't love me any more. I really love her and want a divorce. But before that I need to get her back in my life. I am trying NC for one week. really need some advice. Will she ever come back to me. Thx Link to comment
chamachama Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 Yup.....all great stuff there. Link to comment
chamachama Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 Hi everyone I have following this thread for a while. I would desperately like some help. I'm a married. I had this extramarital relation with a for the last one year. We were both crazy about each other. But she started feeling suffocated and now she says she doesn't love me any more. I really love her and want a divorce. But before that I need to get her back in my life. I am trying NC for one week. really need some advice. Will she ever come back to me. Thx That's how your treat the woman who "you" chose to marry? Be a man with a backbone and divorce your wife regardless. Link to comment
JohnGalt Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 Hi everyone I have following this thread for a while. I would desperately like some help. I'm a married. I had this extramarital relation with a for the last one year. We were both crazy about each other. But she started feeling suffocated and now she says she doesn't love me any more. I really love her and want a divorce. But before that I need to get her back in my life. I am trying NC for one week. really need some advice. Will she ever come back to me. Thx Not happening. You were a flavor of the month. A fling. Also your wife is probably banging the milkman. Hate it, playa. Link to comment
Nvme Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 I haven't been eating for 2 weeks. Reading this made me extremely hungry. Link to comment
essex boy Posted November 14, 2012 Share Posted November 14, 2012 What an enlightening thread! The messages in the opening page are top notch, quite rightly brings home the fact that we don't NEED anyone but wanting and loving someone is totally different ! Link to comment
HopeArises Posted November 15, 2012 Share Posted November 15, 2012 Can't believe it, but that was actually me 8-9 years ago (longer than the long-time moderators on this site). WOW, I would not advocate my old advice. I was 26 then and acted on impulse. I'm 35 now and have learned A LOT over the years (the hard way) . Link to comment
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