The Rules to Regaining Your Lost Love

[cnfsdnluv]

Okay a couple of questions about this, first how are you supposed to follow the 20 rules (which I do agree with) if you are following NC? (i.e. be cheerful/upbeat, agree with what they say)?

 

Secondly, what if you've already committed some of the horrid mistakes that need to be avoided? (i.e. begging/pleading)?

 

Thirdly, my ex is REALLY insecure, so I worry he won't contact me for fear of rejection. So, at what point would it be okay for me to reach out - even just a little?

[dqueen]

My goodness. I was just about to break NC for the second time today and it must have been fate that led me to read this. Thank goodness I did! I'm on day 23 of NC and it's so soooooooooo hard but I know I can do it.

[papalazarou]

Okay a couple of questions about this, first how are you supposed to follow the 20 rules (which I do agree with) if you are following NC? (i.e. be cheerful/upbeat, agree with what they say)?

 

Secondly, what if you've already committed some of the horrid mistakes that need to be avoided? (i.e. begging/pleading)?

 

Thirdly, my ex is REALLY insecure, so I worry he won't contact me for fear of rejection. So, at what point would it be okay for me to reach out - even just a little?

 

 

Easy when your paths cross again by whatever means then you maintain a cheerful demeanour. As I said before at *some* point NC will be broken.

 

Then you do NC for yourself. To get yourself back so you no longer are that persn. Although let me say that 99.9% are like that after a breakup, more so when its unexpected. Even more so when kids are involved or its a long term relationship.

 

Depends who split with who. Insecure people generally are the cling needy so I think he will contact you.

[darrin]

Wow....I am glad I ran onto this post....makes sense to me. I left my wife of 13 years 2 months ago....depression, etc.....have spent this time looking at a person I didn't like. Then after I started changing my life I realized how much I adore her. Irony...to find me I lost my wife. She is filing papers monday, but said tonite at my sons basketball game that she hasn't completely ruled out us someday, but wants to start from a clean slate. We are civil...not fighting except for when I whine about how much I love her. Now I know why my crying and whining has made things worse. I think she needs to heal from not only my leaving but a few years of my grumpy depressed grumbling. Should I just stop all contact then? That is THE hardest thing i will ever do except for making the changes I have to make me a better person. Has been hard and I hope it gets better!

[savek]

luckystar, I hope you're not going to get sewed for your post (Copyright)

baby.

 

But keep preaching, looks like lots of people have no sense on how this reverse

psychology really works.

 

Me who been on both sides and going thru some similar * * * * my self, to me it's all coming together.

 

All luckystar is saying, keep your power, do not hand it to anybody else

keep your dignity and pride, that;s what makes an individual a sexy YOU.

Why would you put your self down in front of anybody, especially people who

are willing to * * * * on you? Think about it.

 

Think about it this way as a business.

How many times you will be going to a customer who's not interested?

All you do is present your value your knowledge and goods that you're are offering. Point out your advantages and leave it at that.

What happens next? All you did is plant a seed. And guess what?

Sooner or later they want those goods.

 

Always apply these rules in any of your relationships.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[SighSob]

Great thread!

[1MoreChance]

very insightful! i think we usually underestimate a lot of the stuff you mentionned here, namely that a loved one needs to feel SAFE and that they need to feel that we can bring up our own sun in the morning. in other words that we do not create a co dependent relationship that drags down both parties and that we have a strong sense of wo we are and that love comes through you and not TO you, and that both people, knowing theis and experiencing it, can make it a safe and loving place for themselves and their partner. amazing.

 

my only question is how do you get to that point? I have been in therapy for 1o months, I just finished a wonderful course that i always wanted to take and am supposed to move toward starting my own business... i said goodbye to my ex in a *finally* dignified way, but i am so lost and insecure.

[brazilgirl21]

This thread made got me thinking about how I ended things with my ex last week. I REALLY hurt his pride and attacked the girl he has been seeing. My ex is a very man's man, hate * * * * ty girls, etc... however, 1 week after ending things with me he was seen with a girl he had previously ended with to be with me who is exactly like that.

 

So I e-mailed him with arguments of how I don't know the person I've been with for the past 3 years because that man used to tell me he had values, morals, wanted one type of woman, and by chosing to be with this girl, seriously or not, he showed me it was all a lie, an act, etc...

 

I had no right to do that, although I was upset that he cheated on me with her and after denying to be with her was SEEN with her by my best friend just a week after we broke things off for good.

 

It was horrible for me to attack him by saying all those things about the girl, even though they are true... However, I CANNOT just be like "oh, I'm sorry honey, you have the right to cheat on me with this girl and be with her if you wish..."

 

You know? It was an impasse! So now I'm doing NC but with him believing I'm really upset and disapointed with his choices/actions.

 

Won't gain lost love like this huh? How could I have acted differently?

[1MoreChance]

ok for one thing stop judging this girl and lecturing your ex. you have to focus on you now. and if he is so superficial (not the values, morals u expect), why do u want him back? did he cheat on u or had u already left him?

[heaven66]

Luckystar our stories are very much alike...I just don't see myself doing any of the things you mention here because he does not want me to lose contact..my first step was to move from my apartment to somewhere else he did not know about...well he made it clear that he wanted to know because he was planing on staying in my life...the first thing he did yesterday when he got out of work he came by to my new place and bought me and my dahuther some dinner...you could tell he was unconfortable with the fact that the owner will keep his apartment right next to the house im moving into..the only thing that separates it's a door..locked ofcourse...He is playing it all so cool though..I wish I could do the same but Im so obvious..I love him so, we had so many plans.....he still calls 2-3 times a day and comes by at night...he says he believes that someday in the future we can be together as a family...im depressed and always so sad..he tells me SMILE...and im like what the hell is there to smile about??????? In the mornings when i wake up i just see no meaning to all this..i just feel like runining away.

[heaven66]

you know what? now that I think about it he has been calling more and coming back more since i started ignoring calls and just deciding that i was going to move on...hhhmmm..the thing is that how do i continue this???? damn im so freaken weak.

[brazilgirl21]

1morechance - NO, when we were together for good he NEVER cheated on me, or at least I don't think he did. But after we got back together he did kiss this girl... we weren't serious, but we were together!! Not cheating, but cheating, right?

 

I know I have to stop lecturing him, I HAVE STOPPED, however, the problem is I already DID lecture him and I regret it, althogh I still think he deserved it!! =[

[1MoreChance]

1morechance - NO, when we were together for good he NEVER cheated on me, or at least I don't think he did. But after we got back together he did kiss this girl... we weren't serious, but we were together!! Not cheating, but cheating, right?

 

I know I have to stop lecturing him, I HAVE STOPPED, however, the problem is I already DID lecture him and I regret it, althogh I still think he deserved it!! =[

 

there is your answer... you guys were not serious and he only kissed her... had he promised monogamy at that exact point in your relationship? you were the one to break it off with him as you wanted freedom and experience (nothing wrong there). so what was he supposed to do, wait for you forever? it sounds like he cares about you but he was just going on with his life.

 

personally I think you should not be lecturing him. it's his choice whoever he is with and you are being judgemental. you say you made a mistake but that he deserves it. It sounds like you don't regret it at all.

[1MoreChance]

you know what? now that I think about it he has been calling more and coming back more since i started ignoring calls and just deciding that i was going to move on...hhhmmm..the thing is that how do i continue this???? damn im so freaken weak.

 

why do you say you are weak? you've been going NC, choosing to continue your life... you are doing the right thing. it's also a matter of changing your perspective, looking at things from a new and different angle...

 

it's normal to have feelings and expectations...

 

since I told my ex that we need time apart to grow (what he has been telling me for months), and that I also want to date other men 9he is seeing a girl since 3 weeks or so), and I took my dignity back and started seieng him more like human (instaed of a perfect vreature who is depreving me of his perfect love), and since I started being more honnest with myself about my wrongs and needs (I did wrong to him out of fear and I am not ready to be in a relationship with him)... I am seeing his contacting me in a new light. He is writing me emails and I see he still cares, where as before I onl perceived his attention as pity (because of my own issues with feeling worthless...).

 

I plan on waiting a good 3 days before answering his email 9where as before I would have answered sooooo fast)

[heaven66]

That is what happeneds to me..he says he cares very much for me but when he does something i think he does it out of pitty and he says im so wrong...oh gos im so screwed up

[1MoreChance]

That is what happeneds to me..he says he cares very much for me but when he does something i think he does it out of pitty and he says im so wrong...oh gos im so screwed up

 

you need more time away from him then... he does care about you, but until you believe you are not a victim of rejection who is being pitied, you are gonna be and come accross as, clingy, overly needy and dependent. change you perspective, take control of your self-esteem. be the one you want to be to yourself, give yourself what you wish he could give you...

 

YOU are the beloved.

[brazilgirl21]

1morechance - What? I mean, yes, I broke up with him but after a lot of months of drama, he finally decided to let this girl go and try again with me. Then when we are serious he kisses her again? Sorry, but that's not right. It might not be cheating, but it's still very hurtful. Specially to someone you were with for so many years. I mean, he could have told me, I don't want to try with you, I dont want to be serious. But say you want to try and screw up? Also, lying about it?

 

I regret it, but I still don't think what he did is right. I think he had the "right" to do it, but I still don't think it makes him right. He could have told me point blank, I don't want to try. But try and make me hopeful and then kiss the other girl while I'm believing we are together? However, no matter how close we are, I still had no right to "lecture" or "judge" him.

[heaven66]

But how do i get away? Like now he just came over and spent some time with me..he was kind of flirty but I just ignored all the stuff he said..like i changed the conversation..what i did was that I called my trainer today..Im getting my taxes this week, so i made an appointment so he can train me this whole month...I want to feel good about myself and i know that will get me going in a good direction

[gary1958]

Why do we even talk about this... The point of all this seems to be waiting for him/her to come back... Ive been out 2 years.. abusive relationship...She has problems... but it is the illness, not her in my eyes.. but as long as I part take or fathom the thought that my every action will or will not bring her back.. I am still emeshed.. she brought enough damage to our relationship when we were together... I dont want to waste my energy wondering whether she is healing or getting help...Those are her issues.. I am moving on and looking for a healthy person to be with.. and if I dont find it... I survived a crazy relationship and truly believe I survived something.. No contact is all about me and getting the great person back I new I was before I met her... Plain and simple!!!!...And for the record I loved her to death and would have married her.. Unfortunately, life isnt always fair!!!

[nomoreguilt]

I am in the midst of a relationship that is in trouble. For 3 weeks I have been emotionally killing myself, and really demeaning myself, begging for my another chance. The harder I try, the more she pulls back.

 

My only sin is that we grew apart, or more than anything we quit communicating. I haven't cheated, been abusive, or done anything to be hurtful, and in all honesty she is guilty of everything that she has accused me of. In fact for months I have been asking her to talk to me to no avail.

 

Reading your post helped, if for no other reason than to help me refocus and put things in perspective. I will still try to put things back together again, because I truly believe that the problems can be resolved, and I just can't see throwing away 18 years of marriage when I believe the issues can be fixed. But I am through begging and demeaning myself, just to see her pull back even further and not even try. She's got about 1 week to give her share of effort, and I'm off to Vegas for the weekend.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm scared as hell, but your post made me realize that what I want, and what I need, are 2 different things.

[Hobbes]

If you look around this place you will see years of posting and advice and all the reconciliation *classics* are like this one. It makes total sense but it's not easy - however, it's win-win - you move on and they might come back or you have moved on so far you wonder why you would want to go back to that in the first place.

 

Thanks OP wherever you are, another reminder of the mission, it's still easy to forget but these are wise words.

[shygirl711]

an uplifting read for the dumpees

[GenoGeno]

You know I agree with the NC thing about it helping you in more ways that one...but I never will get how ignoring them is going to work in your favor...I guess with some people it may work because then the dumper would feel a feeling of wanting to talk to you and you're not doing it...so it's a simple case of wanting what they can't have...but also...who is going to think good things about someone who is ignoring you?

[iBroken]

Who is going to think good things of someone who makes it clear they dont want you?

[stu1973]

GenoGeno,

 

I don't think it's a case of worrying about whether they think good things about you because you are ignoring them, I think it's the case that it's better to stir emotions within them. Would you rather have your ex thinking about you, or completely dismiss you from their thoughts? I don't mean have them loathing you, but will they loath you for not contacting them, when they've dumped you? I doubt it. I've read in many places that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. And of course the old saying that there's a thin line between love and hate. Emotions and passion make the world go round. Does indifference?

 

I've often thought the same as you about this, I love her, miss her like crazy, it didn't end badly, and I don't want her to think I'm an arse, but maintaining NC shows you are strong, which is attractive, whereas breaking NC shows you are weak, which is unattractive. I know looking back, I was a significantly weaker, more passive man at the end of the relationship, than the one she met and fell for. Which is why I think it ended.

 

However, any effect NC has on your ex will always come secondary to the main reason for NC, which is to heal, move on, and become a better person. Maintaining contact will delay or postpone this.

 

ps I was in your amazing city last week, you are very lucky to live there!