In love with someone you've never met

[Crazyaboutdogs]

In the early days and weeks of a relationship, a lot are *infatuated* with the other person and don't see them for who they really are, place them high up on a pedestal, etc...it's known as the *honeymoon period*..it takes quite a time for some people to wake up, to the *real* person they have become involved with....

 

So what is the difference:

 

a) the fantasy in the early days/weeks of a *real life* relationship

b) the fantasy element in an *online relationship*

 

Seems like the same thing happening to me.

 

In the kind of online relationship I am referring to it is about time as well...I am not referring to a week's worth of contact and then being in love. I am talking about regular contact for an extended period of time (assuming that the people are long distance making meeting up more difficult). It is the time factor which is important in both cases. Love takes time to grow and it needs time both in the online venue or the face to face venue.

[D_Lish]

....I see it's already been discussed in another thread and what great reading...

[tiredofvampires]

Every time this subject comes up, there will be those who have experienced love without meeting on one hand -- and those who contradict their claims of love, or say that it is somehow a fictitious or deluded love if it is "love."

 

These are people who have certain needs when it comes to feeling close to a person. I am not about to knock those needs -- being able to touch, see, smell, taste or whatever, a person. I have those needs just like any other person, and being as much of a cuddle freak and a sensually driven woman as I am, I am in no way, shape or form diminishing those needs, in myself or others.

 

However, having those pieces fall into place is not what causes me to fall in love. I fall in love with someone's character and their personality. I will also need to feel physically attracted to them, of course!! I have many online friends who I am NOT attacted to in a physical sense, even after seeing decent pictures of them. Some, I find physically attractive but not my type, physically or in other respects for a romantic relationship, and others I find not that physically attractive to me and if I met them in person, I don't think their characters and personalities would carry the day. Either way, that is only an impression, not set in stone, since some people grow on you. What I can tell is when a person is extremely attractive to me through pic after pic after pic. That is to say, I could envision kissing them and not being repelled by their looks.

 

What this amounts to is a complex mix of forces coming together, both physical and non physical attributes all taken together -- But a few basic things should be, in this discussion, taken off the table as debate topics:

 

1. That this is the wrong person and they've tampered with their identity

2. That this person is someone you've only seen in a vague photo that's misleading

3. That this person is carefully editing what they say or type to show you their "best face," as opposed to being candid (to the best of their ability) and being revealing of their various flaws as well as their strong points

 

It is not fair to include these kinds of misleading things in a proper discussion of this kind, since we are not discussing fraudulent cases. This is not the kind of relationship that I would even find myself in, because such dissimulations do show themselves rapidly for what they are after enough contact with someone. I can tell from the very most basic and elemental conversations whether someone is a liar, or a schemer, so my weed-out process and being a pretty grounded woman do filter out those who are at least insincere.

 

None of these problems occurred for me, above. Why? Because I'm not that easily duped and chose to interact with and fell in love with someone based on a great deal more information lining up -- fiascos abound, and give the rest of online love a bad name. This is a discussion about how someone like hersmudders' uncle could fall in love before meeting -- not how mistaken his perceptions were, or how other people could be duped. This is a discussion about how it comes to be that this is possible, not IF it is possible. And while those who believe it's fictitious in some way will always weigh in, it will never take away the REALITY that for some people, a real love and in love connection was founded, sight unseen, and that this was as valid a feeling as being in love with anyone else offline.

 

I have held down 2 major LTRs before this LDR. Both were significant enough to be talking about marriage. I have also had a smattering of "very important" and life-changing love relationships of shorter duration (less than 2 years). And I have been in love in these. And I have been in lust. And I have been in infatuation, and all the shades in between. So I have a basis of solid comparison. I know that I am not trying to escape in person contact, I know it's my goal. So there isn't anything dysfunctional about my modus operandi, when I met my ex. And I know the difference between feeling spellbound with lust and fantasy, and being in love, and just deep love. I have experienced them ALL. And this is what I've found:

 

In the first 6 months of ANY relationship, it's about fantasy. The first 3 months, it's still about impressing the person, and doing what you think they would like. Trying to please them. (Heck, the first few dates I feel like I'm completely not myself most of the time -- afraid of sounding silly, not revealing some of my little quirks because it doesn't feel safe yet to do that, etc.) And I know the other person is doing the exact same thing! I in fact HATE dates, it's just like job interviewing, only with more fear that spinach is in my teeth or my breath is not the best. So, this is seeing the "complete and real thing?"

 

During this "trial period" of chemistry, wanting to appeal to the other, and trying to flow alongside your partner, sex is thrown in, which binds you in a physical way. So yes, that dimension of the intimacy does get filled in. You can see movies and snuggle together, you can see their facial expressions, their body language when you speak to them. And yet you are still living in an emotional fantasy, hoping they are what they are, believing the information they are presenting, even when both are being as honest as they can be.

 

And after about 2 years, you've had some fights, disagreements, some surprises that you've had to think about. It's not all rosy anymore. At about 2 years in, you're getting a solid feeling about if you could live with this person, or if it's looking like doom. It's no longer a fanstasy, as many layers of guards have been dropped.

 

Either at this point things will continue to progress and deepen in your LTR, or you will struggle with a relationship that doesn't really have a good prognosis, or it will end. Regardless of the outcome, even if it's the first one, where you end up cutting your 75th anniversary cake together to the cheers of the only friends that are still alive and your great grandchildren, you will never know all of this person. It will never -- NEVER -- be complete. It certainly will be far from a fantasy. But it won't be a full knowing or understanding either. In fact, most people think they know themselves inside out, and will take a lot of unknown terrain about THEMSELVES to the grave.

 

So basically, what I'm saying is that love is along a continuum. It starts somewhere. It progresses. And you gradually get to know a person more and more and more for "who they really are" -- meaning, that more sides of them get filled in over time.

 

At what point do you get to say, "I love this person" and some objective socially mandated court of "law" will pronounce you "properly" in love with "the real person" -- not their "persona", not the "fantasy" you've been entertaining, but "the real them, completely"? I think this kind of paradigm smacks of absolutes and an inability to see or judge things things on a case-by-case basis. And is filled to the brim with personal bias and subjectivity parading around as "truth". In some cases, as CAD said (CAD, your words are just as well spoken as mine), people date and "fall in love" for 6 months and everyone cheers them on, (for this being in love is surely "legit", since you saw "all of the person", right? -- only 2 years later we see them here, screaming that their partner cheated on them, to their great shock. This isn't a mistake in assessment of someone's character?) Contrastingly, I have met people on here, even in eNA who I KNOW would NEVER do anything like this.

 

JS, annie, et al....you think I can't know a person's way of being offline? How many people here would be shocked to meet JS or annie over luncheon, and see them talk down to a waitress? Anyone raising their hands alongside me? JS, am I right that you'd probably not bark at a waitress? Guess what -- I believe you, sight unseen. How many people here would be gravely disillusioned to see them treat the mailman with impolite, standoffish snobby behavior? I have never met you ladies, and only see your posts from time to time on this message board, but I KNOW you would treat people with kindness, sight unseen. I know that you would care for your fellow man. I don't know what kind of deodorant your armpits smell like, whether it's Lady Speedstick or Dove, but I don't give a darn because that's not a dealbreaker if we were going to be best friends (and if we were lesbian lover-hopefuls, that wouldn't be a dealbreaker either). And I also don't give a real rip whether or not you cross your arms over your chest or twirl your hair when you get pensive. Those are just mannerisms. I would mind more if you have bad eye contact, but how is your eye contact, ladies? Pretty good? I thought so. I would not expect a shifty glance from JS, or a careless talk-only-about-myself attitude from annie.

 

Now if you guys were GUYS, and I was writing not just these posts, but copious letters every single day, and we were talking on the phone, you had better believe I'd know how you could be snippy at the end of the day. I'd know what pisses you off and how you sound when pissed off. I'd know how you treat your friends by the stories you tell me, in tones of frustration, or concern or hope or despair. I'd know what matters to you by the tones, and the content of your stories. I'd know you are not censoring yourself because you are coming to me wanting to share something earnest and have my feedback. This is not fantasizing, people. This is not creating a "persona" to love. This is seeing a consistent pattern of many variables falling into place after time elapses, and saying "The parts I do know about them combined with the parts that have yet to be filled in, I am in love with."

 

And that has been the same ONLINE or OFFLINE in all my relationships.

 

I never knew the "whole person" in my LTRs of the past, to tell you the truth, until they broke up with me or I with them, and even then, as I said, that wasn't the "whole story." This online courtship case of mine was no different.

[tiredofvampires]

I think you do have to be very level headed when it comes to online relationships...just the same as face to face. That is why I say that personality is a big factor.

 

In fact, in ways you have to be MORE level headed. Because if you are building something over time and can't see someone (sometimes you CAN'T fly out right away, for practical reasons), you have to be a person who can stand on their own two feet even without your partner there; you have to be able to trust, you have to be secure in yourself; you have to be willing to stick it out for delayed gratification.

 

These are not the traits of a "dreamy" and "esoteric" minded person who "dresses things up". As JS says here:

 

It seems to me that because ToV expresses this concept in a way that some people like that must make it true that you can fall in love with a person you never met. I challenge that to say that just because she can dress it up and make it sound dreamy doesn't necessarily make it a fact.

 

I feel that I have been mischaracterized this way by you, JS. I am the earthiest person you'd ever meet in real life, and all of that goes into my reckonings of online involvment. You don't find this presentation of me and my views and the way I express them a "tad bit insulting"?

[christinesee]

I did fall in love online not on purpose.. it was rather by accident.

 

I meet a guy on a Forum.. and we got to chatting. After just a couple of messages I felt a very special connection with him..almost as if I had known him my entire life. We keep on chatting on a daily basis... most days on and off all day long. It was amazing..I was hooked. After about 4 months of writing back and forth, we took it to the phone. Our phone conversations were wonderful. It started out just on occasion.. and then lead up to a few times a week. One day we spoke for 4 hours straight. He lived over 3000 miles away. We talked about meeting and planned to this coming summer. I feel in love with him.. and he with me so he said.

 

At the end of this past April.. he was gone. Vanished without another word. I was a wreck. After about a month I found out from another online friend that he was alive.. that's all I cared about for I was worried sick. I wrote him a couple times NO reply..called NO answer. Turns out I was taken. What I thought was a Real cyber R and could have lead to a R IRL.. was nothing but a scam. Hurt like H***

 

So..I do believe one can fall in love online however..You take a huge chance, because you never really know who is behind that monitor typing all those words.

[hers]

wow that's crazy. any idea why that happened? any word from a friend what happened?

[Brokenhearted1607307810]

Yes you can love someone you have never met.

 

Its got nothing to do with looks, or lust or anything. You quite simply dont care. That's not madness, thats something that can take years to develop in a relationship that started by traditional methods.

 

As someone else said, its a spiritual connection - something so strong it cant be broken. I know many people who have met online, moved countries let alone states, got married, had children and done the whole happy ever after thing.

 

Every one of them says the same thing, they just knew, they just clicked its an emotional / spiritual thing. One person said to me, they can be as ugly as hell, i dont care, i know hes the one. They have been married for 8 years....

[Crazyaboutdogs]

ToV your post was right on the money. Very well explained.

[christinesee]

wow that's crazy. any idea why that happened? any word from a friend what happened?

 

 

It was crazy! What I think happened was that he was a big lier. That he just tried to make me believe he was something so great.. and since it was getting closer to meeting time..he realized he could not produce the person he built himself up to be so he bailed. Just a guess I will probably never know the real truth.

[tiredofvampires]

As promised, I'd like to answer the questions you put forth, in blue, earlier.

 

But first, I'd like to say something about my relationship in a very general way, because it's been said on this thread that my relationship went south due to the fact that I didn't know enough about my partner, that he wasn't the person I thought he was (owing to the distance).

 

I have talked about this relationship quite a lot on this site, and the one thing I keep coming back to, including in my first post on this thread, was that my error was not heeding enough of the signs and signals I was getting from him that indicated we were not a good match. There were many things that we matched perfectly about, but many things that were NOT congruent, and were in fact very contentious. Far from being a total "honeymoon" period of idyllic projection of fantasy, we had several bitter and protracted arguments before we ever met, about where it was headed and our problems -- so much so that our sticking it out until a meeting, was called into question more than once. So this was no walk in the park; I told him that the disagreements and misunderstandings we had to work through were draining and signaled some essential flaw, but we both agreed that the distance burden/challenge, as well as the fertile connection we had in other ways, required extra effort at "working hard for a good thing to blossom". We were taking our chances that it would veer right, not left if we continued to work at it. It seemed that we kept thinking we just had to iron out "kinks" and that a great reward awaited us if we hung tight through the troubled waters, some of which we were not sure were distance-related. So we were both hanger-inners, even though it was never easy. When it was flowing, it was golden, but there were troubles all along the way up until I met him, and quite a lot of tears even shed, thinking maybe this isn't going to happen. So if anyone was going in without blinders of blissful ignorance on, and "dreamy" Harlequin fluff, it was us.

 

We just wanted to keep learning eachother's buttons better, and to try to work past the issues.

 

Where I went wrong was in how I didn't take seriously enough these issues as red flags. I saw them, they were red flags, and I tried too hard to push them aside so that I could see it through. And given the mixed bag that it was, I had reasons to be encouraged, but now I know better. So it's true, he turned out to be not the man I thought he would be, but that was because the more we interacted, the more these red flags became glaring and prohibitive to me. Now I know much better what won't work for me, but life is a learning process, innit?

 

I was not so much deceived as I was tuning out the clues. I will admit that he was a charmer with narcissistic qualities, and by that very fact, he was liable to woo someone with his amazing qualities. But he'd been at that for years and years, with women in "real life" too. Anybody can be fooled by a narcissist, only to realize over time what narcissism is about (which is, him, him, him). Yes, he did misrepresent himself. But that's because that's what narcissists do when they are in love. I learned how narcissism can be deceptive, and I'm not going to blame the internet for that.

 

To answer your questions (My original points are in black, your question in blue, my answers in red):

 

And the more they prove themselves in these ways, without the relationship crumbling in neediness, accusations, mistrust, and desperation, the more your attraction to them grows and grows, the love more and more solidified. How do you avoid that though? That's my main source of confusion. What keeps you from feeling jealous of their friends, wondering what they're doing, if they're telling the truth about themselves, etc. You can be a good judge of character all day, but if you have never met a person, circumstances will always be different in this way. Well, you can't be a good judge of character and at the same time mistake a liar for a truth-teller, for starters. I am not immune to being lied to; however, liars' stories tend to not match up. There will be inconsistencies that if you are perceptive about, you WILL pick up. And also, you can just TELL that someone is completely head over heels with eyes for no other person given certain demonstrations that are consistent over time. Every single day, we were accounting for what our day consisted of. I knew his exact schedule and he knew mine, and when we would talk on the phone or e-mail, which was most of our free time. When he was done with the activities he said he'd be doing, he called, just as he said. And so did I. There was a reliability there, a predictability, a routine even. Every morning, he left me strings of good morning voicemail messages so when I got up, I'd hear his cooing voice. And we sent eachother homemade gifts -- I sent him homemade cards, he sent me love songs he wrote for me, and every day was a basking in the rapture of sharing our interactions, so on my end, I was never anything but completely convinced that he was solely into me. However, this question you ask strikes at the core of our incompatibilities: he had very big jealousy, trust and intimacy issues. In that, he questioned my friendships in a way that made me feel like I constantly had to justify myself, and it felt unfair. He doubted my word sometimes because of his jealousy, and that took its toll. He told me that because of the distance, certain things made him unable to feel convinced and secure and safe, and accused me of not making him feel "safe" enough. He needed constant reassurances, being propped up, and for me to forfeit some of the social freedoms that I'd enjoyed as a single, so I felt stifled. He also told me that because I wasn't dying of loneliness without his physical presense, that meant I wasn't into him enough, which couldn't have been wronger, I was just biding my time patiently and living my life in the meanwhile. So these were the BIGGEST reasons we fell apart: he was not cut out for this, which as I said in my first post requires a great deal of trust and security and patience by both people. If you naturally are inclined to fear disloyalty and unfaithfulness, if you are the jealous type, or mistrusting, this is going to be very hard to pull off. If you need to monitor your lover's daily life to be assured that he's for real, that he means what he says, that he feels what he says he feels, then the game is already over. I go in trusting these things to be true, once they are sincerely given. If he's going to stray, he can do that in real life without my knowing just as easily as if I am 2500 miles away, simply by being a clever cover-up. So really, it comes down to taking the chance that you have chosen wisely with this person and then assuming them innocent until you have any reason to think otherwise. Which is true for ANY kind of relationship, as I see it.

 

There is also something very sweet in yearning that can't be underestimated. It's a bittersweet tonic, but if you are a romantic, it's kind of your staple. Yearning is a bit the core of passion anyway. So this is part of the "in love" mixture that any relationship involves, only in this case, it must be tempered with down-to-earth and level-headed vision. I understand the yearning. I've never really experienced that "yearning" before in relationships b/c I've always devoted a lot of time into my relationships from the beginning. I've always wanted the yearning and I like missing the other person, but I don't see myself "missing" someone who was never "there" near me in the first place.

 

I actually have a good friend whom I met here on ENA. He messaged me one day on here with something we had in common, and we have been talking ever since. We have become quite good friends and tell each other many things and we don't have to hold back. He is very much someone I could find myself being attracted to with his personality and his looks, but to be honest, with his distance, I know nothing will ever come of it b/c we are on opposite sides of the country. That said, I don't "crush" on him or find myself falling for him. We are merely good friends who can confide in each other. Nothing more, nothing less. I'd like to keep it that way. "Missing" in this sense is not like having met someone and then feeling separated. It's the feeling of craving being in their company at last. That is a delicious torture that I DO "miss" in the more conventional ways of dating. Waiting for a good thing is quite a pleasure in and of itself. This doesn't mean it's the fuel of the whole relationship, no -- and after I met him, in between visits, I missed him in the truest sense of the word. As for your online friend, I have several of those, and for various reasons, each their own unique situation, it's not on the table to be thinking of them that way now -- but it's not for a distance gap. If I was in your position with your friend, nothing would hold me back from considering them an option, assuming they were single, stable and of a mind to consider me (you) as well. I have gone 2500+ miles for love, and I'd do it again, 6 or 10 thousand miles next time. I think a lot depends also on your own personal sense of "scarcity" and "plenty" with the dating scene. If I'm not mistaken, you have a boyfriend? Or you had one, just recently? And have no trouble finding eligible partners? And you are younger than I. So if you have no trouble meeting someone locally, then of course, why should you bother with someone that far away? For me, the motivation comes from how difficult it has been to match well with someone, and so I have to cast a wider net. It wasn't my first choice, it has developed that way. I didn't start to look online for possible romance until I was 37. If other means had worked before or felt ample to me, we wouldn't even be having this convo.

 

I only wish mine had turned out the way it did for your uncle. And I'm grateful for your thread for that much -- to know that someone DID start out just the way we did, and I was not crazy to think it could have, might have worked. If only. Why couldn't it have worked? Did one of you not want to make the sacrifice? Was one of you not able to do it? Did you realize it could never "be"? I'm curious why it ended. Why it wouldn't have worked is quite a long answer, involving many factors, but to sum it up:

 

1. He thought he was able to withstand the rigors of the distance, but emotionally, he didn't have the requisite qualities that I've mentioned (and as I said, his very FIRST note to me indicated that.)

2. Although each of us was willing to consider moving to eachother's city permanently, it became clearer and clearer that this was going to be a real dealbreaker. He began by telling me that he would easily move to my city if it meant being with me (more at stake for me having to leave here); but clearly, he HATED where I live and over time, his "I'd go anywhere for you" grandiosity started to fall apart, and furthermore he was too rigid to consider a middle ground (different city/state altogether); in other words, he was not willing to sacrifice as much as he thought, or made out he could

3. He had started to demonstrate serious character flaws that made him abusive, verbally and emotionally over time, owing to our conflicts combined with his narcissistic disposition

4. And finally: there was ONE thing that I didn't know would be so immense in "real life", but he was a heavy snorer, and although he'd prepared me for this, the rancor we suffered over this issue was beyond all my expectations, and it poisoned a lot of our days together. It created a very hostile environment

5. As it turns out, our traditional/liberal views were more wide apart then I'd imagined, and he was more of a materialist than I thought, so our values didn't align well, but this I think was probably not at the top of the problems; it did factor in though as in any relationship -- values clashing

 

I think I've listed the top reasons it didn't work out in about the correct order of importance. And who knows if we had never had the distance factor if SOME of these elements would not be in the equation. I think some wouldn't be. But due to the underlying personality issues that were on the line, the point is he was ill-suited to this, though he wanted to be otherwise; and I think I could have fallen madly in love with him if I'd met him in real time, and the same thing would have happened -- just like all the other women got his King Henry VIII treatment before me.

[D_Lish]

One person said to me, they can be as ugly as hell, i dont care, i know hes the one. They have been married for 8 years....

 

How I'd felt in online relationship no.1. It wasn't about looks, it went much deeper. I'd been communicating with him for six months and I wouldn't have cared if we'd met and he had differed to his pics. It wasn't about what he looked like. I wouldn't and couldn't have just walked away and with someone I'd connected so deeply and emotionally with.

 

And that is the part I don't understand about people who claim to have had feelings for someone online. They say they have chatted for a few months, have a connection/feelings for this person, then they meet and because their appearance doesn't match the pic...they will politely leave after twenty minutes.

 

Well in my view and if you can do that, you obviously havn't been connected on the same level with that person, that some of us have.

 

You were in lust, with a pic and when it wernt up to scratch...pooof, gone!!

[tiredofvampires]

Well in my view and if you can do that, you obviously havn't been connected on the same level with that person, that some of us have.

 

I agree with this 100%.

[JadedStar]

 

These are not the traits of a "dreamy" and "esoteric" minded person who "dresses things up". As JS says here:

 

 

 

I feel that I have been mischaracterized this way by you, JS. I am the earthiest person you'd ever meet in real life, and all of that goes into my reckonings of online involvment. You don't find this presentation of me and my views and the way I express them a "tad bit insulting"?

 

I have nothing but the utmost respect for you..nothing said was meant to be insulting. It was meant as a compliment, rather, in that you have a great way with words.

 

I really did not mean it insulting. I hold you in a high regard ToV.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I ditto TOV's agreement with this post.

[Cognitive_Canine]

WOW, 13 hours away!!!! Long way and I don't blame you for not wanting to get involved in another....least not with someone that far away anyway.

 

How long did your LDR last?

 

For 6 months. My freshmen year.

 

It was a good run. I saw him at christmas and that was frankly amazing beyond believe.

 

However, it was time to let go come summer and we have both gone our separate ways. If we both find ourselves single after college, we'll try to work something out. He made me promise him that after the break up. I know he'll probably be in my life again but I'm not dwelling on it now. I intend to enjoy the wonderful college boys that my school has to offer me.

[D_Lish]

TOV said: ....however, liars' stories tend to not match up. There will be inconsistencies that if you are perceptive about, you WILL pick up. And also, you can just TELL that someone is completely head over heels with eyes for no other person given certain demonstrations that are consistent over time.

 

That's true. In order to be a good liar, you need to have a good memory and a lot of people do not. People can only keep the pretence for so long and liars always end up tripping themselves up, as the guy did in my online relationship no.2. did eventually. Didn't take me long to pick up on the fact, he wasn't being honest about certain things....and silly little things!! Regardless, it placed doubt in my mind about him...and I became cautious....very cautious.

 

 

 

TOV said: Far from being a total "honeymoon" period of idyllic projection of fantasy, we had several bitter and protracted arguments before we ever met, about where it was headed and our problems -- so much so that our sticking it out until a meeting, was called into question more than once. So this was no walk in the park...

 

Again, people will say that you are falling in love, with a 'fantasy'....that you don't know who this person truly is and they can present any image of themselves, that they want too. They can take time over typing, use fancy talk and sugar coat their words.

 

But again, people can only keep up the pretence for so long. And when you have been chatting for quite a while to someone online, true colours are bound too and eventually come shining through. I have certainly never pretended to be anything other online, than what I truly am. Both guys in my relationships, knew what they were letting themselves in for and that was because I was being 'myself'. Both guys never led me into believing they were anything other....Mr perfect, they were not...lol

 

And it was no walk in the park, in online rel no,2 for us either. It wasn't all walking around with 'heads in the clouds' and all 'lovey dovey'....far from it. We argued and fought, there was a lot of distrust in relationship no.2 that led to us falling out for days on end. He was quite jealous, would phone me heaps of times throughout the day....four missed calls before I even got out of the bed, became the norm...LOL Guy no.2, would also say that he was putting more into the relationship than I was. Because I wasn't txting him and calling him constantly, it must mean my feelings were not as strong as his. He knew all about my real life problems, the bad times I was going through and he was there for me throughout. Likewise I was there for him. We both knew by the tones of our voices over the phone, whether we were having a bad day or good day....and if I was having a bad day, feeling a little moody, he knew about it and likewise, he could be moody too! I always told him how I was feeling and I never once pretended to be feeling anything other, than how I truly was.

 

So in this case and in a lot of cases, it wasn't falling for a 'fantasy' or for a person who pretended to be the 'perfect' person ....for perfect, neither of us were and we both knew it!

 

There were a lot of things I picked up on that concerned me about guy no.2 hence is my reason for not following through a real life meeting. All the same, I did and had developed strong feelings for him....

[Batya33]

I agree with this and also don't mean to offend TOV.

[Ruede]

Well, amen to ToV's post... I agree with her almost entirely. Sorry Batya, but I find you to be far too negative sometimes! No offense!

 

I mean... I agree in part with what JadedStar has said, but it comes down to this: does this not also happen in person, face to face? Where someone turns out to be different than you initially thought? Absolutely. At least, it has to me. To what degree? Well, possibly less. But it happens.

 

I think I have the most unusual case out of any person with a "cyber relationship". I talk to no one solely online but maybe... two people, both friends. One friend I met when I was 14 (I'm 22 now). We were never obsessed with one another; not the type who confided in one another every single day. But we, for whatever reason, have had a long-lasting "chemistry" online... that is, we could chat for maybe three times a month, and relatively briefly, and still maintain that feeling of connection for several years. He lives in my country, but in Vancouver (I live in Toronto). We discussed meeting as friends for a long time, but I was going to finish grad studies first. But eventually, things became more flirtacious... I'm talking about 1 year ago (we've known each other for over 7). And we decided that waiting to find out if this rather unbelieveable chemistry applies to us in person.

 

So how do you take that situation? Saying that love online can't happen online isn't short from accusing those people who have experienced it of having feelings of inadequacy when they may actually be perfectly stable. In my case, I am 100% sure that my friend, whom I love, is stable. In fact, compared to other people, he is a rock!

[Batya33]

I've always said that loving feelings can be had for a person you've never met. I just don't believe it is a reliable indicator of in person romantic compatibility (friendship, sure, why not).

 

I prefer to view my views on these typing/talking interactions as realistic, not negative -- I often wonder whether a steadfast belief in keeping romantic relationships entirely on line reflects a negative view of in person relationships. As you see, there are two sides. No offense taken.

[Crush85]

I've been through 2 online relationships (both of which ended badly). I had the first relationship while in high school and the 2nd one happened during college. I was emotionally closer, and more physically attracted to, the girl in the 2nd relationship. She meant alot to me and I still think about her ... but things didn't work out.

 

During these online relationships, my social life took a major dive. I was constantly depressed (especially in high school) because the girl(s) lived in a different state than me, so the only times we could talk was online. The physical connection/chemistry was non-existant. On top of that, I had the added pressure of keeping my relationships hidden from my parents because they are totally against online dating.

 

My whole experience has done more harm than good. I'm almost 23 and I have virtually no experience with girls. Being in an online relationship when I was 14-16 years old (and the years of depression that followed) really stunted my growth, as far as girls go.

 

When I look back, despite whatever "feelings" I had, I can honestly say that neither one was my girlfriend. If you can't physically date, kiss, hold hands, etc. then it's not a true boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

[whitetigerak]

Yeah..

 

I have had a few relationships that have started out online.. and although they were some of the hardest.. they ended up being some of the best too..

 

The reason being.. you don't have the physical part of the relationship to begin with, which forces you to connect on an emotional and mental level.. then when you finally do meet them... you already have the important foundations of the relationship there.

[Batya33]

Yeah..

 

I have had a few relationships that have started out online.. and although they were some of the hardest.. they ended up being some of the best too..

 

The reason being.. you don't have the physical part of the relationship to begin with, which forces you to connect on an emotional and mental level.. then when you finally do meet them... you already have the important foundations of the relationship there.

 

Yes, and it forces you to ignore the realities of an in person romantic relationship, which includes all the infinite attributes that can only be learned in person - eye contact, body language, presense, energy, how he treats others in person, how he treats you in person, how he reacts to in person stress (from you, from the environment, etc), his in person priorities when you are around, or not around but available, etc etc to name a few of many attributes for which you have almost no information by interacting with an on line persona and typing and talking only.

 

Oh and yes physical attraction which, in the theory above, seems almost to be a "dirty word" to use because of this idea that that should be relegated to the lowest priority and even avoided in order to get to know someone on a "deeper" level. Deeper in quotes because at least in a romantic relationship, I have found physical attraction to be deep on its own and it certainly can enhance the emotional connection.

 

It also is a sad commentary on people to presume that just because the person is there in person humans who want to connect with someone will be so very distracted by, let's say, being physically turned on, that they will abandon connecting on an emotional or mental level. Being on line doesn't force you to connect in a deeper way - just think of all who use on line for cybersex, for example.

 

Perhaps it's good for people who are so focused on looks and getting naked that they need the artificial barrier of the computer to "force" them to connect other than body to body. That's not a person I would want to get to know, but perhaps it works for some.

 

It also prolongs the inevitable - needing to click and be compatible in person which often is disastrous because if you've gotten attached from typing and talking and built up this image of what it will be like in person, the expectations when you meet are often unrealistic and adds too much pressure to what is essentially a first date. It also allows those who never really plan to meet in person - but keep pretending they want to - to continue to live in the comfort bubble of typing and talking.

 

 

Just giving the other perspective from the typical "it's deeper on line because you're not distracted by the physical".

[amipushy]

OMG Batya!! I agree with you! I'm gobsmacked lol.

[JadedStar]

I don't think i could say it any better than this. It is alarming how some will suggest that those who like to know the person in the flesh are not able to connect with anyone face to face on a 'deep' level. All of my close friends, not just relationships, I connect with on a deep level both online or offline. Those I met in real life I surely don't have a hard time connecting to them intellectually (if the compatibility is there) just because i see them in the flesh.

 

You are also right in that some people think physical attraction is a dirty thing. I think anyone who is realistic understands that physical attraction to a romantic partner is pretty much a given. You learn that back in Sociology 101. It doesn't mean you are a sex craved perv. I wouldn't date anyone I was not attracted to, it just doesn't make sense to me. I want physical and intellectual and spiritual cmopatibility. Scrimping on one of those things to me is 'settling'.

 

I am sure I could fall for a person online but I could not determine it to be anything more than a deep emotional or intellectual connection if I never met them in person.

[kissipher]

i havnt got the patience for all,i want instant results,hence i fail alot,maybe i need to take my time,but this one lady i grew close to and the time was boundless,i wasnt thinking (lets meet up) i was thinking(im intrigued i want to know more about you) and i fooked that up too,well,that was a pointless rant but you catch me drift