In love with someone you've never met

[annie24]

i think you can be infatuated, or in like with a person you've never met, but certainly not in love.

 

love takes a long time. i think love is deeper than just a feeling, it's something that grows over time, caring for each other, in good times and bad, even though you know all about them, you still hold them in high regard. i just don't think you can love someone until you know what they are like on a good day, a bad day, until you've seen how they treat their waitress, their doorman, the gas station attendant.... how they act when they are hungry, tired, grumpy, how they deal with money, and all those other mundane things in life.

[Stars_n_Guitars]

I'd feel very sad for someone that loved primarily based on physical attraction. Love is emotion, love is mental, love is spiritual and is in fact emphasised by physical. LOVE with your heart, mind, and soul...and express that love with your body.

[D_Lish]

I think 4 times out of 5, it won't work because people more or less like the fantasy aspect. Also, what people write and how they actually say it are far different things. The internet allows us to carefully consider what we are about to say and edit it. Real life talking does not.

 

Well people *real life* talk, over the phone. These kinds of relationship, don't just consist of emailing or txting....in fact most of my communication was done via phone. Got to the point where we were not chatting at all online...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I'd feel very sad for someone that loved primarily based on physical attraction. Love is emotion, love is mental, love is spiritual and is in fact emphasised by physical. LOVE with your heart, mind, and soul...and express that love with your body.

 

 

I totally agree.

[hers]

I'd feel very sad for someone that loved primarily based on physical attraction. Love is emotion, love is mental, love is spiritual and is in fact emphasised by physical. LOVE with your heart, mind, and soul...and express that love with your body.

 

But the question isn't about what specifically "love" is. I've been in love before. I'm asking about how a person "loves" someone they've never met.

[JadedStar]

I'd feel very sad for someone that loved primarily based on physical attraction. Love is emotion, love is mental, love is spiritual and is in fact emphasised by physical. LOVE with your heart, mind, and soul...and express that love with your body.

 

Why do you think those who disbelieve this disagree with what you are saying? How can you express that love with your body if you never met the person? How can you know who that person is if you have not seen them in their real world?

 

Not ONE person here said a word about only loving someone based on physical attraction and it is this same stale conclusion that gets drawn incorrectly everytime this topic is debated. I have known people who claim to be in love with someone they never met and THEY are the ones in love with physical attraction becuase they only saw a pic of that person and conclude in their mind that is exactly how the one they are chatting with looks like...when many times the pic is old and that person has changed, or not even the RIGHT person in the pic at all. Don't suggest people who fall in love with an online persona are not basing it on attraction. They see a pic and they are able to create the ideal image in their head thereforee this type of 'romance' might be even more attraction based bcause there are no real life flaws or bad hair days to interfere. Just the pictures that said person wants you to see.

 

And maybe some people are averse to expressing love physically with the person they are in love iwth. I see that here on these types of threads...maybe there are some people who do not need or want sex in their lives. Maybe they have issues impeding their intimacy. I don't know, but being intimate with a person you love is as normal as rain.

 

If some really believe they are in love with someone they never met they should hop in the car, plane or bus and go see that person. To see if the fantasy they have in their head matches up to reality. What is there to be afraid of if it is true love? This will only make it stronger, right?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think the point is that ultimately these people do meet and have a relationship...but the falling in love part happens long before they meet...they have interacted for a long period of time and are already in love. Nobody is saying that these relationships should stay online...of course they have to meet in real life...but they have already fallen in love through their lengthy online and telephone discussions. The physical part when they do meet becomes an expression of that love...vs what happens in real life where many people claim to be in love after a week and are having sex like rabbits when really, the sex is not about love at all, it is about lust. The falling in love before meeting someone does not happen in 5 minutes...it happens over a long period of time...much longer than the 5 days that people date in person and claim to be in love. The online thing is not for everyone..as TOV pointed out..it takes the right mesh of personalities to make it work...but it does indeed work for some people. By the way, years ago people scoffed at trying to meet others through personal ads...they thought that anybody who had to meet through a personal ad must be a loser because the standard way of dating was that you met people through activities. Now personal ads (or online dating sites) are commonplace and people have met and married using that method which people turned their noses up at in the 80's and 90's.

[Batya33]

Thanks JS - couldn't agree more that somehow wanting in person chemistry in a romantic relationship means looks only or an inordinate focus on looks, or "shallowness." I do think what is shallow - as in, lacking substance, is to base a romantic relationship (as opposed to a friendship) solely on typing and talking - it's also for many the safe way out because then you don't have to deal with all the complexities of in person interaction which might burst the on line image bubble.

 

Most of the time I didn't click in person with someone I clicked with on the phone it was not because of his looks, it was because of all the myriad attributes - personality, body language, eye contact, presense, energy, that you can't know (or can only know the bare, irrelevant minimum) through typing and talking.

 

And, sometimes it is looks combined with being misleading. My friend and I had similar experiences. For her, a man "romanced" her non stop for a week - all typing and talking - as well as long phone conversations to get to know each other. She told me the day she met him (before they met) "I think I met my next boyfriend". The plan was to meet on a street corner late afternoon where he would meet her by kissing her. He did so but came up from behind. When she turned, she realized that the far away blurry picture was to hide about 100 pounds of excess weight. She accused him of misleading her, he admitted it was a 2 year old picture but insisted that all would be fine.

 

No, the weight was not the only dealbreaker, but she struggled all night with liking this guy on the inside very much but the combination of the shock of his misleading omission plus the plain fact that she was turned off by his obesity took her from the high of thinking she'd met the one to serious doubt about whether she felt comfortable being with him.

 

Same for me, although a bit more drastic. Blurry picture, and I was too uncomfortable to ask for a better one. We had amazing conversations too but I was a bit more cautious in my "he's the one". When I met him, half his face was severely deformed, from his eyelid down to his neck, including deep scars, the best that could be done after multiple surgeries. I wasn't particularly upset with him for being misleading - I was sympathetic. Still, even though on the inside he probably was my "on line" person I knew I wasn't the one to handle being with someone who looked like a monster. Friends - sure - romance - no.

 

Those are extreme examples of "looks" being the reason but I do know it's MUCH harder to get attached through typing and talking only to find out that the picture was inaccurate. Again, a main reason I don't think people can predict romantic compatibility through on line typing and talking is not because of looks but it is something to keep in mind. I've met no one who doesn't care at all about needing to be attracted to the person, in person. On line typing and talking can't give you nearly enough information about that, even webcam.

 

But yes I believe anyone can have in love feelings for someone they've never met, I just disagree that it's based on the same information as an in person relationship, and mostly I don't think it's based on reality if reality is defined as knowing someone in person for romantic purposes.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, I guess it is not for everyone...falling in love online may not be real to some people but for others with a different personality and different way of seeing things, it is very real. It is a matter of different perspectives, different life experiences and different preferences in getting to know someone. What may work for some may not work for others. We live in an "everything in an instant" society, so anything that falls out of that norm is often not understood. Like TOV said...the online thing is not for everyone...it is for people who have patience and who very much enjoy getting to know someone via that method....and it is dependent on both sides being honest and patient....just like in face to face relationships.

[JadedStar]

But the thing is i am very much into writing, typing, texting, IM'ing, etc. So it is not because of that. I have formed some very very strong bonds with people I met online in my lifetime but until i have met them i can't say for certain it is love or anything like that because I know that there is a minimum of 20% about that person, and that number is very conservative, more likely much higher, that i have no clue about. So if i want to say i am in love iwth the persona of that person that is correct, but to say i am in love iwth that person I can't say for sure if i don't know who they are in their dimensional world.

 

My thoughts surely are not becuase perhaps i am not tactical. I am more into the written word then I probably am verbal. I can express myself well and "feel" the thoughts and moods of others very easily thru online communications. It surely isn't the lack of my being able to form bonds with people over the computer.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is hard to explain..but it also goes deeper than just typing...it is how things are written, the nature of the interaction. Sure people write all the time..but it is just like any interaction in person...there are those who are just friends and those who are much deeper...and it doesn't always have to do with how much information you share with them...otherwise women might end up in love with their best female friends. I think TOV explains it much better than I can...she really captures the essense of what it is like...what she explains has exactly been my experience. No, ultimately things didn't work out for me...but again, many face to face relationships fall flat as well. It is a matter of the two people, the issues they each have and whether or not they are willing to work on the issues, which will determine the success or failure of the relationship no matter if it blossomed via the internet or face to face. Again, ultimately an internet relationship has to be taken into real life...nobody disputes that...the only question is can it be real love online...and I say yes...but as in face to face relationships, just because it is real love, doesn't mean it will all work out happily ever after.

[JadedStar]

It is hard to explain..but it also goes deeper than just typing...it is how things are written, the nature of the interaction.

 

I really do understand it. I am an extremely intuitive person, and i think more than most. I can surmise a great deal out of typing and IM'ing and conversing online. I know that i would be considered above average when it comes to being 'in tune' with people i meet online.

 

I am very tactical, i.e. the typing and written mode of communication is a strength.

 

I understand exactly what ToV is saying. I just disagree with the fact that she knew she was in love iwth that whole person if she never met him. I am not saying she wasn't "in love" because only she knows what she felt, I am saying that even tho ToV is expressive in the written word there is no way you can really know what this person is like in their real world. She was in love with the man that she learned about online and the rest that she filled in her head with what she inferred him to be. ToV is very expressive and "talkative" in the written word (i am not saying that is a bad thing, i am too altho not to the extent that she is). But writing long heartfelts IM's and emails does not mean you really "know" the person you are typing it to and who is responding back.

 

I htink two people can be the most intuitive and tactically (in this case I use tactical to descirbe the communications via typing) strong people in the world but even they do not know who the other person is if it hsa only been behind a computer. THis is not because either are hiding or creating false impressions intentionally, it is only because online we can make sure much more easily that the other person only sees the really perfect side of ourselves. It is easier to hide the flaws that make up who we are and are just as important as the perfections.

 

So I won't say you can't fall in love with someone online but i do say it is falling in love with only one dimension of who that person is.

 

I have a very close online friend i chatted with for about nine months and we got along so well but i always wondered hmm, i wonder if we meet online will it translate. We did meet and it did translate, but there was a very good chance that it would not have. You just don't know until you meet a person.

 

It seems to me that because ToV expresses this concept in a way that some people like that must make it true that you can fall in love with a person you never met. I challenge that to say that just because she can dress it up and make it sound dreamy doesn't necessarily make it a fact. I think that yes, some people more easily fall in love with a persona than others. That part i will not dispute. The part I dispute is if the persona you fell in love iwth is really an accurate replica of the REAL person as they are in all dimensions.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is most definitely a fact for some people and not for others. The reason why TOV can write about it so well is because she experienced it and she can express that experience in words. Not everyone has the gift of being able to express their experiences in words...I certainly don't and that is why it is nice to read TOV's words because she expresses the experience so well. I have experienced exactly what she has described...it is not fluff words and dreamy words...it is indeed reality....maybe not the reality for everyone, but certainly reality for those who have experienced it.

[JadedStar]

It is most definitely a fact for some people and not for others. The reason why TOV can write about it so well is because she experienced it and she can express that experience in words. Not everyone has the gift of being able to express their experiences in words...I certainly don't and that is why it is nice to read TOV's words because she expresses the experience so well. I have experienced exactly what she has described...it is not fluff words and dreamy words...it is indeed reality....maybe not the reality for everyone, but certainly reality for those who have experienced it.

 

 

That is the thing, when I read of her experience it comes off very esoteric and fantastical and doesn't seem as strongly based on reality as you guys are seeing it. I see she fell madly in love with the man she created him to be, and not to be hurtful because I really don't want to be but we all know that this man was NOT anything like what she thought after all was said and done. She has said countless times she coulnd't believe how he ended up being so very different from what she thought and who she fell in love with. Typing and talking makes this phenomonon TONS easier than if it is a face to face real life interaction. SUre in real life one can be duped too but you have more angles from which to assess a person and understand if you in fact are in love with them, or the fantasty them.

 

So it begs the question had this love affair been face to face all that time would she have been able to see the real "him" much much sooner? I'd say probably so. Online he sounded like a real woo'er, telling her all of the things she needed and wanted to hear. In real life he may not have been able to pull this off. I seroiusly doubt he would have done it so successfully.

 

I'm not saying she wasn't feeling in love but i am saying that i don't believe she really knew the real man but was in love with a romantic notion that this man created for her using typed words and maybe even webcam chats,etc.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Well people *real life* talk, over the phone. These kinds of relationship, don't just consist of emailing or txting....in fact most of my communication was done via phone. Got to the point where we were not chatting at all online...

 

I thought this was based mainly on online relationships....

 

My last relationship involved a lot of phone (13 hours away LDR) but being together was exponentially better. I felt like the phone just put us on hold. We did grow as a couple while we were apart but nowhere near the rate we did when we were together. That might just be me though.

 

It always took like 3 days of being together for the "this is the guy I talk to" to click in. I have to put the voice to the face. It was often awkward at first when we hadn't seen eachother in 3 months. Then after a while it was "oh, I remember you" and then it was awesome.

 

I wouldn't do an LDR again though. Even though my last relationship was great, I've learned that I'm too young to be putting anything on hold. It just doesn't work for me.

[JadedStar]

yeah and the internet is making the LDR grow at an incredible rate but based on the many threads i see on forums regarding them i am not sure this is a great thing. it is good for people who are shut ins, who might not have access to a big city or who are very shy but i don't think the LDR can adequately compete with a relationship where the two are much closer in location. I know many will argue this with me but i think after all is said and done those people know they would much prefer to not be long distance. if someone DOES prefer this then i'd wonder if they have intimacy issues. It is pretty insulting as well when some people argue that the folks who know LDR's are not fulfilling are just sxcrazed and think wiht their loins. that is incredibly offensive to me.

[JadedStar]

And for the record I am not saying a person can't fall in love with someone online, i am saying that they are in love with a persona that was created in their minds based on partial reality and partial filling in the blanks.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Well, I guess it is not for everyone...falling in love online may not be real to some people but for others with a different personality and different way of seeing things, it is very real. It is a matter of different perspectives, different life experiences and different preferences in getting to know someone. What may work for some may not work for others. We live in an "everything in an instant" society, so anything that falls out of that norm is often not understood. Like TOV said...the online thing is not for everyone...it is for people who have patience and who very much enjoy getting to know someone via that method....and it is dependent on both sides being honest and patient....just like in face to face relationships.

 

I believe that people who do find love over the internet probably have a firm idea of what they want already. They also probably are pretty level headed and down to earth (Although, maybe not in the case of Hersmudders relatives. I can't even imagine making that leap. But, I assume that it more of the exception than the rule as far as online dating). It could be so easy to get caught up in the fantasy aspect. And the fantasy is usually what blows up in people's faces.

 

I greatly applaud those who have found a genuine love online as I would a person who found it in a coffee shop, grocery store, book club, or while walking the dog. It's something new to the dating world and something quite frightening to a lot of people. But, the world seems to be getting smaller and maybe this new way of doing things will shrink it just a little bit more. For better or for worse. I know it's not for me, just as bars, frat parties, speed dating, and blind dates aren't, but it is another way to meet someone special and it doesn't make it any less real.

[Cognitive_Canine]

yeah, if anything, I am glad that my last relationship was LDR. it made us go slow and I needed that to some degree. It showed me just how deep the rabit hole goes as far as compatibility. It's sad that it ended but I am thankful for what it taught me.

 

I think online is also a good resource for people who can't get out much. Like working mothers and single dad's.

 

Instead of going out and searching for mr. right (or mz. right). It's sort of a 'hey, I exist. Wanna talk?" sort of thing that let's them socialize more when bars, clubs, and friends fall flat.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you do have to be very level headed when it comes to online relationships...just the same as face to face. That is why I say that personality is a big factor. There are so many face to face relationships where people build a fantasy person rather than look at the real person. Going out with someone every Saturday night and 3 times during the week doesn't necessarily mean you will know the real person if you are not grounded in reality and are stuck in the fantasy of having a partner.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think you do have to be very level headed when it comes to online relationships...just the same as face to face. That is why I say that personality is a big factor. There are so many face to face relationships where people build a fantasy person rather than look at the real person. Going out with someone every Saturday night and 3 times during the week doesn't necessarily mean you will know the real person if you are not grounded in reality and are stuck in the fantasy of having a partner.

 

this is true too. It is easier to lie about everything online. But, plenty of people do it in real life too.

 

I think online is just a new kind of dating game. There are slightly different rules. However, I think we'll be seeing a lot more of it as time goes on.

[JadedStar]

I feel I must also make the distinctioin that finding a person online and falling in love later on once you meet is not what i am referring to. this happens all the time. People use the internet as a tool to meet potential dating partners and it can be extremely successful.

 

I am only referring to the falling in love with someone they never met and who might not meet for a good long time. My thought is that they are falling in love with a "persona" vs person at that point.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I feel I must also make the distinctioin that finding a person online and falling in love later on once you meet is not what i am referring to. this happens all the time. People use the internet as a tool to meet potential dating partners and it can be extremely successful.

 

I am only referring to the falling in love with someone they never met and who might not meet for a good long time. My thought is that they are falling in love with a "persona" vs person at that point.

 

yeah, I think in real life contact is probably a need before calling it love.

 

Phone is better but from experience, isn't the same.

[D_Lish]

I thought this was based mainly on online relationships....

 

Well that is what an online relationship consists of doesn't it. You meet online, get to know this person online, you type and talk...then it goes to phone and you talk...

It's a tad daft, just to keep a relationship solely online and communicate by typed words all of the time. If you want it to progress, then of course you have to take it to phone...then onto the real world.

 

My last relationship involved a lot of phone (13 hours away LDR) but being together was exponentially better. I felt like the phone just put us on hold. We did grow as a couple while we were apart but nowhere near the rate we did when we were together. That might just be me though.

 

It always took like 3 days of being together for the "this is the guy I talk to" to click in. I have to put the voice to the face. It was often awkward at first when we hadn't seen eachother in 3 months. Then after a while it was "oh, I remember you" and then it was awesome.

 

I wouldn't do an LDR again though. Even though my last relationship was great, I've learned that I'm too young to be putting anything on hold. It just doesn't work for me.

 

WOW, 13 hours away!!!! Long way and I don't blame you for not wanting to get involved in another....least not with someone that far away anyway.

 

How long did your LDR last?

[D_Lish]

I think you do have to be very level headed when it comes to online relationships...just the same as face to face. That is why I say that personality is a big factor. There are so many face to face relationships where people build a fantasy person rather than look at the real person. Going out with someone every Saturday night and 3 times during the week doesn't necessarily mean you will know the real person if you are not grounded in reality and are stuck in the fantasy of having a partner.

 

In the early days and weeks of a relationship, a lot are *infatuated* with the other person and don't see them for who they really are, place them high up on a pedestal, etc...it's known as the *honeymoon period*..it takes quite a time for some people to wake up, to the *real* person they have become involved with....

 

So what is the difference:

 

a) the fantasy in the early days/weeks of a *real life* relationship

b) the fantasy element in an *online relationship*

 

Seems like the same thing happening to me.