Rough sex the first time with a new partner?

[kevinm]

So I was chatting with a friend of mine and this subject came up. In short, say you are dating someone, things are going well, and you both decide to have sex with each other. Okay, now, while you are having sex, let's say the man (could be the other way around, but this is just an example) is very aggressive. He throws his woman down on the bed, grabs her hair while he kisses her, has his way with her, etc. Basically, he's really dominant in bed.

 

Now, while this may be very much the norm for an established couple, the question is: Does this dominance show disrespect being the first time the couple is having sex?

 

This is of course, assuming the partner likes this type of sex. This is not a "no means yes" type question, rather more of a question of is this acceptable for first time sex.

 

-Kevin

[rocio]

I think that the context and the dynamics between the two people determine this. I can certainly be very, very hot. But it can also be very creepy.

[kuiks8]

Hmm this is tough...i think without clear communication about what you both like I would hold back on being too aggressive in case the partner is not in to it...

I personally won't have sex with someone until we talk about how we both like it and what our expectations and desires are.

[renaissancewoman101]

I like a dominant guy in bed. It turns me on.

 

If it is the first time, I'm not sure if I would like it. Sounds like he forced himself on her and I don't like that.

[auburnslp]

Personally I believe that for the first time, that would be a huge mistake. If that is what turns you on, you will have most likely ample opportunity to go there when the relationship continues, but to try that on a first date? Bad idea-there is a comfort level involved between partners for that and it doesn't happen on the first date.

[musicguy]

It really depends on the couple. Some like it hot, some don't like it hot

[hers]

The question Kevin is asking though is if the girl in this example has not expressed that this is how she likes to have sex--very roughly. Now let's say the girl does like it like this but never talked to the guy about it. thereforeeee, he doesn't know but instead does this rough sex stuff the FIRST TIME they are intimate with each other (kissing and otherwise).

 

The scenario (as I was the friend the OP had this conversation with) is that the first kiss involves hard hair pulling, boob squeezing, butt grabbing, etc., and then onto the bedroom, where the guy throws her around like a ragdoll, then starts smacking her butt and holding her arms down above her head. Normally, the girl woudl like this, as she's had rough sex before and is turned on by it in other situations. However, the girl is creeped out by the guy doing this b/c it's the first time they've been intimate and he has no idea of knowing that she likes this stuff. What's going through her mind is that this guy likes rape porn or something.

 

That's the scenario Kevin was presenting, but just not so eloquently! haha

 

The question, then, is this:

Is this creepy or not? Is it wrong to be creeped out by it if the girl likes it but doesn't like that this is the fierst time they're having sex and he's doing it?

[hear_her_roar]

It really depends on the two people; some women crave that kind of attention, while others are very turned off by it.

Honestly, it's probably best to bring it up in conversation. You don't have to outright ask her if you can, but somehow find a way to get talking about her feelings about rough sex. Then you'll know, either way.

[hers]

It really depends on the two people; some women crave that kind of attention, while others are very turned off by it.

Honestly, it's probably best to bring it up in conversation. You don't have to outright ask her if you can, but somehow find a way to get talking about her feelings about rough sex. Then you'll know, either way.

 

But the question is that they've never talked about it...is it ok that this guy does that during the first intimate encounter??? Or is it ok to be creeped out, even if in other circumstances, the girl woudl enjoy it??

 

We're not asking for advice on how to handle it. It was just a scenario we were talking about and wanted to see what others thought!

[Censored]

I think it is a creep out scenario (but not necessarily a deal breaker). Not from the fact the he is sexually dominant, but more because he has made a very very big assumption about her sexual desires. He has not shown her respect to be treating her this way the first time they were intimate.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I love dominant men. I would definitely like this.

 

It's sex. Unless he does something that I am NOT okay with after I tell him no would it be disrespectful for me.

[hers]

I think it is a creep out scenario (but not necessarily a deal breaker). Not from the fact the he is sexually dominant, but more because he has made a very very big assumption about her sexual desires. He has not shown her respect to be treating her this way the first time they were intimate.

 

Finally someone gets it! haha

 

I do think it has a lot to do with respect...sex is about what both people like, and behaviour like that isn't always 2-sided and he doesn't give any notice into what she likes. That's what we were talking about.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think it is a creep out scenario (but not necessarily a deal breaker). Not from the fact the he is sexually dominant, but more because he has made a very very big assumption about her sexual desires. He has not shown her respect to be treating her this way the first time they were intimate.

 

Well, with someone that I was going to have sex with, we would have talked about it for a while before hand. I'm very open about what I like and I expect my partner to be the same.

[hers]

Well, with someone that I was going to have sex with, we would have talked about it for a while before hand. I'm very open about what I like and I expect my partner to be the same.

 

But in this case, it was never ever discussed. THat's why it's creepy!

[Censored]

Well, with someone that I was going to have sex with, we would have talked about it for a while before hand. I'm very open about what I like and I expect my partner to be the same.

 

Thats the key in my mind.

 

Communication. If it hasn't happened then it is the ASSUMPTION factor that is bad.

However, she could have said "woah, relax!!!"

[hers]

haha what if she did! nipple pulling is none too pleasing, haha, and in this situation, it was said "hey there tiger, be a bit more gentle" and then he didn't. just weird!

[Cognitive_Canine]

Thats the key in my mind.

 

Communication. If it hasn't happened then it is the ASSUMPTION factor that is bad.

However, she could have said "woah, relax!!!"

 

I think talking about sex and what exactly you want is actually more fun than a lot of foreplay.

 

Also, it makes things so much less awkward and let's you know that this person actually listens and compromises to your needs.

 

If the woman says "woah, relax!!!" and the guy doesn't really do much about it, that's disrespectful.

[kevinm]

I like being rough in the bedroom, being dominant. However, usually having sex for the first time I'm more reserved.

 

It's not something that is talked about so much as understood. When making out with a girl, if I pull her in close and hard up against me and she groans a little bit I can sense she'll probably like things a little more aggressive in the bedroom. On the other side, I've dated this one girl in college who was beautiful, but such a prude, sex with her was the old in/out missionary only type crap, lol.

 

I frankly love it when a woman is aggressive in bed, vocal about what she wants, etc. It would only be disrespectful or creepy if I said "no" to something and she continued to do whatever thing she was doing without regard to my feelings.

 

-Kevin

[Censored]

haha what if she did! nipple pulling is none too pleasing, haha, and in this situation, it was said "hey there tiger, be a bit more gentle" and then he didn't. just weird!

 

Yeah, that's disrespectful. And to be honest, a little creepy.

 

If she said to be more gentle, and he didn't back it off then that is not nice at all.

[hers]

I think talking about sex and what exactly you want is actually more fun than a lot of foreplay.

 

 

Very much agreed!

[Day_Walker]

It seems to me that once people have found their niche as far as what they like with sex they have a tendency to just go for it. It may come off creepy or the other person maybe into but that is for the couple to work out between them and it is hard to judge outside of the context of their interactions.

[kenshinkitten]

That would have scared the Sh*t out of me if that happened my first time, dear lord. UGH

 

If that were to happen now though...omg super hot.

[hers]

That would have scared the Sh*t out of me if that happened my first time, dear lord. UGH

 

If that were to happen now though...omg super hot.

 

Exactly! Super hot if you both know that you are into the rough sex, but CREEPY if it's the first time you've had sex (and kissed, for that matter! First kiss DOES NOT give you permission to pull hair!!! haha) and you've never even discussed sex!

[servedcold]

She will let you know. If she sighs softly, or doesn't say anything, and seems tentative or self-conscious, go easier. If she growls, curses, dirty talks forcefully, bites, slaps, spits, pinches or grabs you really hard, she wants to get banged pretty forcefully. I don't find a whole lot of middle ground here.

 

Likewise in missionary, where most folks start the first time, if she caresses you with her legs, or intertwines them, go easier, if she puts her ankles up on your shoulders or especially if she puts her feet all the way behind her ears, she is asking you to be some rougher.

 

You can usually pull hair if done right regardless of how rough she wants it, always with all your fingers laced through the hair at the scalp at the back of the head and exerting steady pressure, never grabbing a handful of hair and yanking (unless she specifically asks you to yank her hair, but have never found one of those).

[anggrace]

I had a guy try this with me. After he slapped me accross the face, I slapped him back and walked out. How the heck did he know if I even liked that or not? Not cool.