Nonchalance is Your Friend

[CrapAtNC]

If you do that, you will be showing that you're hurt but strong. If you can handle it, it would be better to be there to take the stuff from him while showing that you are cool with everything and moving on. That is the best you can do.

 

Feel for you. It sucks being in this position, but you will be fine, and I think you know it. ;-)

[paulod]

Well no reply to my text from a few days ago (did I expect one?) ahhh well never mind, until the next time I see her in the corridor at work at work eh!! dear me she is missing out on my adventure. Oh well, tough luck lady, you're gonna hear about it outside my circle of trust.... tut tut!!

[Live-N-Learn]

Hey Crap, I hear what you are saying and appreciate the advice. I am trying to pull back. I have not initiated a phone call or text in 2 days just the one FB post. She has initiated all the contact. I have managed to not take some of the calls and not respond to some texts or even posts she has put on my FB wall. She has been very active ever since the concert Thursday. She has text me at least 10 times, called me 4 or 5 and posted about the same on my FB wall. I do need to muster up all my inner strength and continue to do this, and even more of it.

 

I think you may have misunderstood my post earlier. I did not invite myself to go with her to sit and think at riverside. I would never do that. She was on her way there around noon today. I just posted that I was going to church with the kids tonight another good place to think if your up for it. We have went to this church together before with our kids, so I just invited her with no pressure. This would have been after she went and did her thinking alone. I didn't really care if she came or not. I just knew she was thinking about stuff and may be in the mood to go to church. I only posted this after her 2 texts to me this morning. I suppose she could have interpreted it as me suggesting she could come with me and the kids to church to think instead of riverside but I doubt it.

 

Anyways, I still am too available and know it. What I am seeing is the less I respond the more she keeps coming at me. If I do this right it will set me up perfectly for "the nonchalant talk" I plan to tell her what you wrote earlier for me. Thanks!

 

btw...after her thinking time she text me "wish you could be with me today" then calls and says "wish you didn't have the kids today we could hang out" I did not respond to either.

[iduncare]

Will it seems like I'm hurt?? Cause he doesn't know that I know.. Perhaps I could just pretend that it slipped my mind that he is coming over..

[Yostina]

Crap, I need your advice.

 

I did 31 days of NC. It's been a week since college started, and he actually makes eye-contact whenever we bump into each other. I felt him kind of trying to smile at me but he was a bit hesitant, so I helped him by quickly smiling back and then walked away. Now every time he looks at me I try to look away like I don't even care but at the same time I look upbeat and friendly.

 

He sent me an e-mail last Wed., he asked how I am doing and told me about some important notes that he's going to pass them to his close friend (who is with me in class) to place them somewhere in college so all students can take them from there, and he then wished me luck.

 

The e-mail is an ordinary one but I think he shouldn't have bothered himself because I already know his close friend and the other students, so I was going to know about the notes for sure from someone else. I don't want to be positive about it though I don't think it's something big I don't know. I didn't respond to him yet, I will in few days but of course briefly.

 

Now what do you think am I being a good nonchalant one? And what do you think of him acting this way and the e-mail he sent?

Actually I feel I'm in a good position (physically and emotionally) to start the journey of nonchalance, but how will I take it from there? I feel like I still need him to help me even more errrrr

Any advice on how to pull him more into it nonchalantly? I don't want to ruin my efforts

[iduncare]

I now wonder what's the point... Is he really worth so much effort.. I've spent so much time strategizing how to get him back. I've tried every method possible.. Yet he will not budge.. He probably didn't love me much in the first place..

 

So what if I really got him back. I do not believe we will live happily ever after.. He has lost respect for me, it will never work..

 

My biggest mistake is staying frens with him, I have to watch his feelings for me fading with my own eyes.. From wanting me to stay as his fren, promising me that he'll treat me better than other friends.. To now true indifference.. I'm just torturing myself.

 

It has damaged beyond repair. It'll be easier to find a new person, and start all over again.

[jellysandwich]

Well, I think my story is over. I'm pretty sure she's realized I won't be giving her the ego boost she wants, so she's been slowly decreasing contact over the past few weeks.

 

Honestly, I'm kind of disappointed. I thought she'd be a stronger person than that.

 

Oh well. Good luck to the rest of you.

[Live-N-Learn]

Well, I think my story is over. I'm pretty sure she's realized I won't be giving her the ego boost she wants, so she's been slowly decreasing contact over the past few weeks.

 

Honestly, I'm kind of disappointed. I thought she'd be a stronger person than that.

 

Oh well. Good luck to the rest of you.

 

Sorry to hear that Jelly, I know it is hard to accept that things are not going as we wished. Just keep distancing yourself and try to heal.

[Live-N-Learn]

Like Jelly, I think it is pretty much over with my ex as well. I am just going to keep distancing myself as best I can and see what happens. If she asks I will have the talk with her. Casey that guy I have been talking about made his profile pick yesterday of her and him. Then posted on her wall "my profile pic is hotter than yours" She responded today "That is a pretty hot profile pic. Who is thAt sexy lady next to you??? Lol" Then she uploaded the picture to her photo album. I don't want to read too much into this but it just sucks.

 

I started making a list today of all the reasons she is not good for me and I got to 29 without even blinking! It sucks but it is time to take care of me. I have issues that are deeper than her that I feel I need to work on me to be ready for the next girl. I believe I have deep abandonment issues that drive some of my actions. When I am rejected is seems that I am trying to repair the past by getting them back. It's like if only they would accept me, love me and take me back, I would be OK. Too much of my value is based on her responses to me. This is not a healthy mindset. So at least I know what I need to work on. Any advise on how I move forward? Btw...have not reached out to her since our talk yesterday and have not heard from her.

[bungalo]

Hey LNL,

 

It sounds like you are really getting to the core of things...I am the same way about abandonment..and I read your post on the other forum about your family background...and it's no wonder you're in so much pain. I really do think we pick people who mirror our damaged family of origin issues...I tend to go for aloof, non-commital women...My dad was very aloof and rejecting...so I'm trying to repair that relationship through a romantic partner in a sense. Thing is, I've made peace with my Dad (who had a horrendous childhood himself) and we get along great now. I still love my ex more than words can say...and will try for a recon...as long as it's not too damaging to me..with non-cha...I think it's def got the potential to affect me less...not to say that it won't be painful if she blows me off again..but I think I have the mindset..and am emotionally grounded enough to keep it together...you seem like you're evolving here..and I wish you the best-Bung

[Live-N-Learn]

Thanks bung, yeah it is really hard right now and I have that feeling in my gut again like when we first broke up. I am controlling it much better externally but it is pretty bad. I was stupid enough to go to her profile page and see that he wrote on her wall and then her response. She then uploaded the photo of them to her album and has not reached out to me since yesterday. He then commented on her response I posted above and said. "Oh you know me, she's some chick that comes into my bar to admire me shirtless; and when she found out I wasn't gay she gave me her number! =) hehe. This may be nothing but is sounds like they are flirting.

 

I just don't understand why she would call me so much and say again all the things she said yesterday to me about loving me and wishing I was with her yesterday if she likes this guy. She text me twice while out at a concert with him and his friends on Friday night. It is just hard to understand what she is really feeling and it drives me crazy just like it did when we pseudo dated post breakup for 3 months before me going NC for 10 weeks.

 

I am resisting with all my might to not reach out to her with a text. I believe this will only push her into his or someone else arms much faster. Not that I can stop that from happening cuz if it is going to happen it will either way. I just want to do what is going to give me the best chance at getting her back and keep my self respect. She really confuses me.

[bungalo]

I will be the first to admit that I am crazy as a loon, but I think you need to ditch all the social networking crap, and become an ancient love warrior. Eff this technology! I cyber-stalked my ex for awhile, and I felt like shyte. What good is it? Keeping tabs on people...it's a joke. Be a challenge, and mysterious...you don't need to know how many time per day she takes a poop. You know? Apathy my man...that's the ticket. Even if you kid yourself into believing it...it's powerful as hell. Why do you think you and I go for these wishy washy women? It's because they are hard to get! So beat her at her own game...disappear..really..man it's in your best interest..and probably the only hope for a recon...Bung

[Live-N-Learn]

Yep, I agree bung, her actions are so all over the map she has my head spinning. Feel like I am back to square one in some ways. Difference this time is I did get a second shot kinda...lol And I have disappeared before...this time it feels different though, I have no regrets, I did my best and feel no guilt. Anyways, I think you might be right about it's time to disappear. If she reaches out I think I just need to be strong and ignore her. She will either beg me to talk or will say fine and stop reaching out, which is the answer in itself. If she gets to a point where she wants to talk I will decide then if it is even worth it.

 

No more FB for awhile it is fruitless and only makes me stay stuck. We both know this but up to today I have not wanted to disappear. However thinking through the events over that past month have me convinced it is probably the best path for me. I need to heal and move on. If she wants me she knows how to find me.

 

Part of me still is resisting and wanting to play the nonchalance game and not totally disappear with much fewer responses. Do you think that is a bad idea?

[DN]

Life is too short to be messed around by these ex's who can't either commit or let go. There are many women and men out there that do understand about relationships. I think you should all stop wasting your time and emotional energy on these ex's and move on to someone who actually wants to be with you. I know you feel you love them but the fact is if they wanted to be with you they would be with you. So it doesn't matter whether you pretend to be nonchalant or not - they aren't with you. Get on with your lives and find someone better.

[sadchick83]

I bought 3 books today:

 

The Power of Now

Women Who Think Too Much--excellent-cant put it down!

&

The Law of Attraction

 

I will let you know how useful they are since we are all going through similar situations.

[sadchick83]

Women Who Think Too Much is not limited to Women--The theories also apply to men. And, those of us who are on this site frequently might find some of the theories interesting.

 

They studied the major earthquakes in California, and how some people got over it, some did not. They speak of two room mates, who separated because one yelled at the other for caring too much about the earthquake. The girl being yelled at could not believe how insensitive the yelling girl was.

 

Anyway, one was an overthinker, the other an underthinker, and they could not get along.

 

IT SUCKS being an overthinker during a breakup---can I switch brains with someone???

[mr_zanon]

IT SUCKS being an overthinker during a breakup---can I switch brains with someone???

You can take mine. I haven't used it for some time, but I think it's still good enough.

[TSandullo]

Woo! Centenary page mark! Niceone crap! Great thread. I've been reading but not posting for a good month or so and hope to get singing on ena again. Until then happy healing folks.

TS

P.s who cares?! ;-)

[PaleSeptember]

sadchick, Thanks for the suggestion on Women Who Think Too Much. I looked at it on Amazon and I'm going to get it.

[CrapAtNC]

Life is too short to be messed around by these ex's who can't either commit or let go. There are many women and men out there that do understand about relationships. I think you should all stop wasting your time and emotional energy on these ex's and move on to someone who actually wants to be with you. I know you feel you love them but the fact is if they wanted to be with you they would be with you. So it doesn't matter whether you pretend to be nonchalant or not - they aren't with you. Get on with your lives and find someone better.

 

So, close down this forum then, DN?

[DN]

So, close down this forum then, DN?

Nope. I am just advising people not to waste their time on ex's who have no intention of getting back together and to look for someone else.

[Julo]

well DN I do agree with your advice. I stopped wasting my time with my ex. She basically led me on so instead of more heartbreak for me I just walked away. But not everyone has yet to cross that bridge. no need to discourage everyone has hope even myself

[Julo]

I came accross this and thought it was very good

Let it go for 2004...by T. D. Jakes

 

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this!

When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

 

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you,

loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you,

staying attached to you.

I mean hang up the phone.

 

When people can walk away from you let them walk.

Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that,

They came out from us that it might be made manifest

that they were not for us.

For had they been of us,

no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

 

People leave you because they are not joined to you.

And if they are not joined to you,

you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

 

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person,

it just means that their part in the story is over.

And you've got to know when people's

part in your story is over so that you

don't keep trying to raise the dead.

 

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over.

Let me tell you something.

I've got the gift of good-bye.

It's the tenth spiritual gift,

I believe in good-bye.

 

It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful,

and I know whatever God means for me to have

He'll give it to me.

And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.

Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

 

If you are holding on to something

that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life,

then you need to ..LET IT GO!!!

 

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...

LET IT GO!!!

 

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...

;LET IT GO!!!

 

If someone has angered you ...

LET IT GO!!!

 

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge ..

LET IT GO!!!

 

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ...

LET IT GO!!!

 

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or

talents ..

LET IT GO!!!

 

If you have a bad attitude...

LET IT GO!!!

 

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...

LET IT GO!!!

 

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new

level in Him...

LET IT GO!!!

 

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....

LET IT GO!!!

 

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help

themselves..

LET IT GO!!!

 

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ....

LET IT GO!!!

 

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling

yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to..

LET IT GO!!!

 

Let the past be the past.

Forget the former things.

GOD is doing a new thing for 2004!!!

LET IT GO!!!

 

Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then

LET IT GO!!!

[CrapAtNC]

I've come to realize one of the greatest benefits of nonchalance, and you can see it again and again throughout this thread: we value ourselves more--a lot more--and then start to see our exes in a new light, in comparison to our own self-worth, and often the exes fall short of what we now expect for ourselves. Then we start asking if they really deserve us.

 

And that's a great place to be. ;-)

[Live-N-Learn]

I've come to realize one of the greatest benefits of nonchalance, and you can see it again and again throughout this thread: we value ourselves more--a lot more--and then start to see our exes in a new light, in comparison to our own self-worth, and often the exes fall short of what we now expect for ourselves. Then we start asking if they really deserve us.

 

And that's a great place to be. ;-)

 

I really like what you said here crap, I am starting to feel some of this. If I am honest with my feelings she does not deserve me. Now to work on just not caring. I have calmed down a lot since we have not been in contact since yesterday afternoon. I have not reached out to her and she has not either. I actually feel some relief if you can understand what I mean.

 

Great! lol while I am typing this she just text me...haha anyways she just wrote..."why so quiet?" I really don't know if I even want to respond. Do you think I should? If so, what would you say?