Nonchalance is Your Friend

[Live-N-Learn]

haha OK, so the best path is to just pull away, turn her down to go out sometimes, not answer every call, stop texting and start dating others? No talk with her just pull back and if she asks what is going on I then tell her something like "I am looking for something you are not providing and need to move on". Then just wait and see what she says? Or if she asks I just stay nonchalant and not tell her and just keep it going?

 

In my head starting now, I need to act as if it is over correct?

[bungalo]

I feel like I am ok at giving non-cha advice to others...(not as good as the master, or Kate UK, or MS Darcy) but feel a bit paralyzed when it comes to my own situation. I still haven't reached out to her..it's been 31 days of NC. I know I have

the tools and the mindset to pull off non-cha with her..but something is stopping me...>>>

[bungalo]

Does anyone have any non-cha wisdom for me? Crap? Anyone?

[jenna-is-here]

I feel like I am ok at giving non-cha advice to others...(not as good as the master, or Kate UK, or MS Darcy) but feel a bit paralyzed when it comes to my own situation. I still haven't reached out to her..it's been 31 days of NC. I know I have

the tools and the mindset to pull off non-cha with her..but something is stopping me...>>>

 

This is a tough one because you have not talked to her in a month. What about the line from the non-chalance response thread (below)...is this too lighthearted?

 

Quote Originally Posted by kim1 View Post

If they are not speaking to you how about texting them you would really appreciate if they would stop smothering you.

[The_Seeker]

Does anyone have any non-cha wisdom for me? Crap? Anyone?

 

When you chase something in life, it will go further away. Stop chasing.

 

In other words, focus on you instead of her.

[bungalo]

Thanks Jenna...that's a good one...Seeker..its pretty obvious that I'm Not chasing her

[The_Seeker]

Thanks Jenna...that's a good one...Seeker..its pretty obvious that I'm Not chasing her

 

LOL No, I'm not saying you are chasing her. I'm saying that's the only way to figure out how to be nonchalant about things.

[mr_zanon]

"I am looking for something you are not providing and need to move on".

I prefer "I'm looking for something you're not providing, so I've been searching for it".

[Live-N-Learn]

I prefer "I'm looking for something you're not providing, so I've been searching for it".

 

That's really good. I like that a lot. I will use it when the time comes. I now need to work on pulling away and ignoring her more. It is so hard to do but it must be done. Maybe I will trade in my superman powers for the invisible man!

[mr_zanon]

That's really good. I like that a lot. I will use it when the time comes. I now need to work on pulling away and ignoring her more. It is so hard to do but it must be done. Maybe I will trade in my superman powers for the invisible man!

I just noticed it's kinda redundant. "looking for" then "searching for"...

Maybe "I want something you're not providing, so I've been searching for it".

 

Edit: I'm thinking too much about this. Last one, promise:

"I've been busy looking for something you're not providing."

[Live-N-Learn]

"I've been busy looking for something you're not providing."

 

Ok, I like this one. So when she says what have you been looking for? What's a witty response?

[CrapAtNC]

My ex will be getting the "The magic is gone" line from me very soon, or perhaps "I've been doing some thinking, and I've realized that I just don't love you any more." That can be a real wake-up as well as a turnaround, because I'm basically saying that I'm the one who no longer wants her.

 

That's actually how I've been feeling of late, and it's already having an impact on her. She's actually becoming needy. I might have to direct her to this thread soon.

[mr_zanon]

I might have to direct her to this thread soon.

Oh man, you're cruel! LOL

By the way, your avatar is awesome.

[CrapAtNC]

I know.

[Live-N-Learn]

My ex will be getting the "The magic is gone" line from me very soon, or perhaps "I've been doing some thinking, and I've realized that I just don't love you any more." That can be a real wake-up as well as a turnaround, because I'm basically saying that I'm the one who no longer wants her.

 

That's actually how I've been feeling of late, and it's already having an impact on her. She's actually becoming needy. I might have to direct her to this thread soon.

 

That's awesome crap! I am really happy for you. Even if things don't work out with her, you seem to be in a good place. Man, I might have to try that line on my ex!

[Tired Tiger]

Does anyone have any non-cha wisdom for me? Crap? Anyone?

 

bungalo, I know you've been hungry for, and done a lot of reading on relationships and psychology. Realistically, would you agree that all this talk of... indifference (or InDif, as the kewl kids call it ), as it's being applied here, is in the context of attraction as opposed to a foundational element of a committed relationship? Being that you've already gone three rounds with her, wouldn't it seem that getting her to come back around isn't really the problem? Or are you thinking that somehow adopting this attitude (without actually being honest with yourself and truly feeling it) will somehow resolve the issues that perpetuate this cycle?

 

On a more generic note, my opinion is that this particular topic has become subverted into a dysfunctional context. As I said before, there's a validity to the concept of the cause-and-effect of certain human behaviors. However, scheming what to do and/or say with the intention of soliciting a particular reaction is nothing more than games and manipulation. Some of the conjured up suggestions I've read in this and the other thread come off as rude, immature and transparent. The fact is, there's nothing "nonchalant" about plotting ways to be "nonchalant". How many here who are trying to 'use' this "technique" truly feel what they're trying to convey? Just food for thought.

[Lbones]

Great post as usual TT. Just to add to that...in all the sound relationship books I've read, no where does it mention the concept of being "nonchalant". I think I want someone to love me for who I really am, not who I want them to think I am. Reminds me of the movie "The Nutty Professor" with Jerry Lewis.

[BeDour]

Well this is the "Getting Back Together" section. People come in here looking for advice and techniques to get their ex back. Nonchalance (whether you really are or not), is an effective vibe to give off to your ex. Is it manipulative? Probably. But conveying nonchalance doesn't plant any fake feelings in the ex. It just makes them realize (if it's working) that they care about you more than they may have thought. Or that they made a mistake in breaking up with you.

[PaleSeptember]

This nonchalance stuff appeals to *me* because I typically act needy, without even realizing it. And just acting more cool and lighthearted makes me feel better about myself. I don't pretend to feel one way when I feel another, though, I can just sometimes be over-the-top emotional.

[kim1]

thats one of the reasons I like it too

This nonchalance stuff appeals to *me* because I typically act needy, without even realizing it. And just acting more cool and lighthearted makes me feel better about myself. I don't pretend to feel one way when I feel another, though, I can just sometimes be over-the-top emotional.

[CrapAtNC]

For people who push their loved ones away through neediness, lack of self-esteem, a need for validation, a desire to love too much, then nonchalance is an extremely valuable tool that brings them greater confidence, a more positive outlook on life, and a healthier relationship. Of course, a person who is more cocky and funny is always going to be more attractive too.

 

If learning how to live life like a successful, healthy person is a game, then I'll suggest playing every time. Whenever we learn new skills, there will be wobbly moments, mistakes, and setbacks, but these are all par for the course on the road to success. I see people doing much better in their outlook, and I see exes showing much more attention.

 

Regarding your opinion on the responses suggested here, can I suggest you see for yourself the results of putting them into practice? The response we get is not what you'd expect. If delivered properly, they bring about a magical change in our exes, as I outlined in my OP. My exes have all not only taken the funny comments really well, but actually ENJOYED them. Just make sure they're delivered with the intent of keeping things balanced and lighthearted.

 

We do our exes, ourselves, and our relationships a huge favour when we snap them out of a bad mood or destructive pattern. And a nonchalant attitude is the way to do that. Lighten up! It works! ;-)

[Fluffy101]

I've yet to figure out how to use NonChal if the ex hasn't tried to contact you. It irks me that I don't have any control over that; the only path is to wait until he initiates contact...if it ever happens.

[jenna-is-here]

For me, noncha has actually helped me to be less manipulative. I used to care and even obsess about the outcome of things. I would be so determined, I would not stop at manipulation. If I TRULY practice non-cha then I no longer obsess over the outcome. I don't need to go to extremes anymore and can just relax knowing in a way, less is more.

[restlessgirl]

^ me too ! almost been 3 months NC [except i started convos a couple times] and he still hasn`t initiated once. canadian jerks ;P

[Tired Tiger]

Crap, as I've been saying, I'm not in disagreement with the basic premise. Yes, it's action and reaction and I'm not at all surprised at some of the 'results' that you mention. What I question is the application, timing and context that some may be applying with the motivation that this is the single super special magic secret unveiled for successful reconciliation. While we're in agreement about people making meaningful change for themselves, wouldn't you also agree that it takes more than being cocky and aloof to your ex to truly accomplish that? In fact, is it not something of a paradox to suggest that acting a certain way toward the ex in order to elicit the corresponding reaction still a form of seeking validation?

 

Just a couple of other points - Not everyone who has been 'dumped' and would like to reconcile falls into the low self-esteem/needy/codependent category. In fact, there's many who accept that their role was that of being too... dare I say - 'nonchalant' (perceived as taken for granted) in the original relationship itself. Probably not a great idea to continue that behavior as a means to fixing things. I'm also not sure what it means that you imply exes are in "a bad mood or destructive pattern". Why assume either of those things?

 

Well this is the "Getting Back Together" section.

 

That it is. What I'm saying isn't intended to dissuade people from desiring reconciliation, but to stimulate discussion about people being honest with themselves. 999 times out of every 1000, successful reconciliations are the result of copious amounts of time, detachment, healing, and positive change by both sides of the equation. There's no secret shortcuts. But hey, if it works for ya, invite me to your ten year wedding anniversary and I'll eat a crow in front of everyone.