Nonchalance is Your Friend

[CrapAtNC]

Kate, you've slipped back into trying too hard (although far, far less than previously, I'm guessing). I really hope you walk away from this. He will follow, or you will find someone who deserves what you have to give.

 

bungalo, I PMed you. You really need to work on yourself, on giving a little less in order to get much more. You'll be fine, I promise.

[iduncare]

Crap, i need your advice. I've stopped logging on to fb, msn.. And I've almost NEVER initiate contact with my ex. But the problem is, my ex will always reach out to me.. Often just to talk abt random stuff. But he is not the friend I want him to be, he has not been supportive when I'm down. He has never shown concern to me when I'm sick. He is always full of negative comments. I am always there when he needs me but he will never do the same for me.. I've pointed this out to him for a few times but he'll always brush it off and continue the way he is. It's like he has no respect for me at all and is not taking me seriously.. How do I earn his respect back? The best way is of course to totally cut him off. But wat if I still want him as a fren?

[CrapAtNC]

You want him as a good friend. Stop responding. Be strong. Stand up for yourself. When we do this, people turn around. I promise you. Don't take any more crap. It's you accepting it, so stop it. ;-)

[iduncare]

Right. So how do I do this? If I ignore him, won't he eventually walk away? When will I know he has learnt his lesson and that it is ok to respond again?

[CrapAtNC]

Stop responding so much and so readily. You can judge what you should and shouldn't respond to. Tell him you don't have time for that and to call you only when he can be more positive. Any time he gets negative, remind him he can do better than that. If he doesn't, "I gotta go."

[iduncare]

I even feel like telling him that I'm sick of the way he talks to me. I feel something need to happen to slap him into reality. Will that work?

[KateUK]

Kate, you've slipped back into trying too hard (although far, far less than previously, I'm guessing). I really hope you walk away from this. He will follow, or you will find someone who deserves what you have to give.

 

Thanks Crap. He replied to my email and we had a big heart to heart on msn, I told him I wasn't happy with our situation and he told me that he was struggling to let me go and a part of him thinks he is making a massive mistake but he wants me to move on and find someone else. I said I couldn't be his friend and I found his negativity draining. He said he would work on that and needed to get comfortable with himself for a while. That's how we left it, then he rang me this morning while I was chilling in my car between doing the school run and starting work. He was working in the area and came to give me a no strings hug, have a chat and compare eye puffiness (as he had been crying all day yesterday too). Time for me to pull back and walk away....

[RobD70]

Right. So how do I do this? If I ignore him, won't he eventually walk away?

No, he won't. This is a misconception most people have but it's not true. They can't chase you if you don't run.

 

When will I know he has learnt his lesson and that it is ok to respond again?

He'll tell you. When they are ready it will be obvious. If you get mixed signals then assume it's still no and keep your distance.

[RobD70]

She's still extremely up beat and nice and happy, but there's little to no flirting, and it always seems like a chore to get her to hang out. If I ask her it's always "hmm maybe or "I dunno we'll see haha" or something like that. Never a concrete yes or no right off the bat. She always seems to be beating around the bush and going as long as possible without giving me an answer.

You shouldn't be doing that. Stop asking to hang out with her, you doing so is pursuit and is working against you. You are going for instant gratification and it's going to cost you long term.

 

Let HER ask you to hang out. It may take a while but the change in behavior will get her attention and you'll at least know for sure then that she wants to go out with you and not going out because of guilt or boredom.

 

It's very frustrating because I know she wants to hang out with me, but she's almost trying to make herself not do it.

Don't project. Never think you really know what's going on in their mind. If she really wants to hang then she will ask, not you.

[BeDour]

Don't project. Never think you really know what's going on in their mind. If she really wants to hang then she will ask, not you.

 

I think this is pretty spot on. Now that you said that, I look back and do notice that I was projecting and trying to persuade her. I think it's a product of the old push pull theory...It's not that she doesn't want to hang out, but the more I push the more it feels forced.

 

Crap, I'd like your opinion (and anyone elses) on my thread relating to the current situation. ...

 

Thanks guys!

[CrapAtNC]

RobD70, I always find your posts very educational!

[iduncare]

Well I screwed up. I broke down and sent him a few long texts. The gist was how I'm tired of his negativity, he has not been treating me right, and if he is honest with himself he will admit too. I ended off by asking him not to contact me again if he can't changed his attitude towards me and asked if he can make the effort. He didn't reply to any of these texts. I felt like such a fool. I then worried if I have over reacted.

[CrapAtNC]

Well, do nothing now. I think it's a good idea. Now go take care of yourself, and get back to being nonchalant. ;-)

[iduncare]

You mean what I did was a good idea?

 

Nothing I do impress him. If I do charity work, to him it's a waste of time and money. If other girls do the same, they are kind hearted. It's like whatever I do, he always have negative thing to say abt them. But if other girls were to do the same, he'll be full of admiration.

[CrapAtNC]

Hey, word to the wise: With my first girlfriend, I acted like I could take her or leave her all the time, and I did that because, really, I was insecure. When she called my bluff and found someone else, the roles were instantly reversed and I found myself begging and pleading.

 

You can learn from my stupidity. Call his bluff. ;-)

[jenna-is-here]

Well I screwed up. I broke down and sent him a few long texts. The gist was how I'm tired of his negativity, he has not been treating me right, and if he is honest with himself he will admit too. I ended off by asking him not to contact me again if he can't changed his attitude towards me and asked if he can make the effort. He didn't reply to any of these texts. I felt like such a fool. I then worried if I have over reacted.

 

I dont think you screwed up. I think you were defining your boundries. I would not second guess your decision that you sent that or beat yourself up over it. It was bothering you enough, something had to be said. The stuff he is doing would have bothered me too BUT recently I have learned it is not what we SAY but how we ACT is what teaches others how to treat us.

 

I sent a text to a guy I really liked to stop booty-calling me. Looking back, I would have spoken louder to him had I just not responded to his advances instead of telling him how to treat me. I obsessed over that text forever. Well, I got what I asked for, he stopped calling me for the most part. But Im glad I found out that is all he wanted sooner then later. I didnt waste any more of my time or energy on something that was not good for me.

 

Also, Its okay he didnt reply because you said it for you. You dont care enough to need a response, right? ;-)

[jenna-is-here]

Need Noncha response...

 

I had a lunch date set up w a guy for Monday. He just text me and Good news he just got a promo at work but now has training Monday and Tuesday. Bad news, cant do lunch. The he said, Rain check?

 

I dont want to seem to available but want to say yes to the raincheck. Any suggestions?

[jenna-is-here]

how about,

-Oh no, do they realize they will have a crazy man training their staff? Yes to the raincheck.

 

OR

 

-Lucky for you I will say yes for the second time ;-)

[KateUK]

How about 'Congrats on Promo - guess you will be treating me to lunch then? ;-)'

[Mark33]

How to reply nonchalantly to these messages:

 

(she called me for few seconds, asking me to call her

back. I didn't. then she wrote me these messages

 

"you know that I want the best for you... I'm so sorry but

I can't be with you"

 

"I don't think that you can be father of my children.

Every day that passes it will hurt more

to break up with you"

 

I would like to answer to her nonchalantly.

 

Thanks

[CrapAtNC]

Mark33, I've read your other threads, and the best way to show nonchalance in your situation is to walk away. Stop communicating. I've said it again and again, and I'll say it one more time: the best you can do is to turn away from this situation, work on yourself, and perhaps initiate contact when you're in a better place. That's what I'm doing with my ex. We can do this together. You have to let go before you can get a better grip. ;-)

[Mark33]

I did this before. I haven't meet with her for 4 months. I never had any addiction, so probably this is just addiction, but I would like to at least reply in a non needy way, that allows myself to walk and live with my head up high in the next days/weeks

 

Thanks

[paulod]

Hola!!

Been a few weeks since I posted last, but have kept popping back on here for a read, hope everyone is doing okay?

I’m confused at the moment, why is me being nonchalant working on everyone else apart from the person I want it to work on? And I’m being serious!! I am actually going back to the way I used to be before I met my ex? No more clingy, needy, depressed co-dependent me.. I’m just being the way I (think) used to be and it’s all confusing the hell out of me at the moment??

 

I’m not being cocky or trying to be smart, I’m just being a bit cheeky, flirty, care free, quick witted, chilled, happy and positive about what life has to offer…. And it does seem to be working? There are women interested in me because of it (I think it’s because of that?) and they know that I’m moving away in a few months, but they’re still interested? And it’s not just with women either, I’ve made a few new guy mates since I started being like this, I don’t know how to describe it… it’s all rather odd, good way odd…but still odd lol!

 

I don’t know what to think? Maybe it did work on my ex when I spoke her those few times couple of weeks ago? Don’t know? Her anger sharks did start circling about a couple of things we chatted about last time we met, saw it in her eyes, she’s still miffed about a couple of things, but I just kinda blew it off, we changed subject and kept chatting about stuff (she even missed lunch as we were chatting for that long) she said a couple of times a few weeks ago to mail her at work for a catch up but as of yet I haven’t done it, something’s stopping me and I don’t know what?? should I just take the plunge, mail her and see what happens, it’s how we got together in the first place. But then again I text her a few weeks ago, and no response? But suppose that could be down to anything. But am still currently a tad link removed at what to do at the moment

 

P

[VinnieMarlboro]

Been a few weeks since I posted last, but have kept popping back on here for a read, hope everyone is doing okay?

I’m confused at the moment, why is me being nonchalant working on everyone else apart from the person I want it to work on? And I’m being serious!! I am actually going back to the way I used to be before I met my ex? No more clingy, needy, depressed co-dependent me.. I’m just being the way I (think) used to be and it’s all confusing the hell out of me at the moment??

I’m not being cocky or trying to be smart, I’m just being a bit cheeky, flirty, care free, quick witted, chilled, happy and positive about what life has to offer…. And it does seem to be working? There are women interested in me because of it (I think it’s because of that?) and they know that I’m moving away in a few months, but they’re still interested? And it’s not just with women either, I’ve made a few new guy mates since I started being like this, I don’t know how to describe it… it’s all rather odd, good way odd…but still odd lol!

 

I am similar. I think this is where living nonchalantly is a good thing for your life in general. It is definitely making me a happier person within and thus, to be around.

 

Why can't I transcend this onto my ex?

 

For me it's anxiety and the control she still has over me. I still harbour the guilt - and she knows that and uses it to her advantage. I still have feelings for her - and she knows that and uses it to her advantage. So how am I rectifying that - letting her go. We have had very limited contact, even regarding kids - I try to deal with them only now(which has caused a few custodial battles and arguments), which has worked to my advanage - as I am standing up more for myself - ie - showing her strength and wrestling that control back.

 

Throughout our BU, I have been far from manly or what I (and her) perceive a man to be. So I have now changed my behaviour to what I believe a man should be. For to long I have moped around, head down, shoulders slumped, begging, pleading, to emotional, whinging, sooking, with if's, if only's etc.

 

This is where nonchalance is helping a great deal. It enables me to let things go, not worry about stuff that I shoudn't and have no control over. Re-growing my self esteem and confidence - other people want to be around me as I am now

a bit cheeky, flirty, care free, quick witted, chilled, happy and positive

.

 

Eventually, when you have really let go of her, you will be able to act nonchalantly around her.

 

I am trying a few 'new' things when I am in physical contact with her - (I will stress that this is till for me to regain control and not to get her back. still ????? on that 1)

 

Eye contact - the old dog trick - maintain and win the eye contact battle - make her look away first.

 

Stand tall - shoulders back, head high - feel strong and be strong (and for you kateuk - boobs prominant(was gonna say boobs out - but it sorta comes accross wrong!)

 

Confidence - be confident in what you are saying, walk with a strut - show them you have your swagger back and dont need them for that.

 

Smile and be happy- show happiness - not with her, but you in general. Laugh with them, blow things off that would of set you off before.

 

Body Language - mirroring - love this! Your objective it to get them to relax when you are around them - remember the emotional wall is still up - use this to systematically break it down.

 

Patience - Live it.

 

These are just a couple of things you can do - not only to your ex - but in everyday life.

 

We only see each other when we're dropping kids or their gear off, and its only for a short period of time. I do believe these tactics are having an impact, especially on me. I hate to say it, but it is true - I love it when she leaves with her tail between her legs!

 

Paulod - should you contact her? She did ask you to, so I probably would. Ask her out for lunch or coffee - something non threatening, be nonchalant, win the 'power' game and see where it goes. Leave first, dont linger and leave her begging for more of you. Make her laugh, focus on her - explore her feelings, try not to talk about 'us' - unless its something you really enjoyed.

 

Save this for last -remember when we done this......hahahaha. That's your cue to leave.

 

If it all goes well then-

 

A couple of days later hit her with a text - 'Was just thinking...'

She will reply with something like 'what about?'

'About you' and leave it at that.

 

See how you go with that and PM me when you get this far. Gonna use you as a guniea pig if that's ok.

Will post results.

 

VM

[CrapAtNC]

Yeah, nonchalance does have that effect. I've had more fun this summer than I've ever had at any other time in my life, and it's like I'm not even trying (well, actually, I'm not). I usually just come right out and suggest something, and, not having anything invested in the response, I usually get a favorable one.

 

It works on the exes, too, but their guard is a little tougher and we have to work harder (?) to make sure we really are nonchalant with them. When we genuinely are, it works beautifully. ;-)