Nonchalance is Your Friend

[iduncare]

I just want to curl up and die.... I think he has met someone new.. But I can't handle it.. I'm not over him yet.. Why am I not over him yet? I dun understand.. It's been more than a yr since we broke up and we only dated for 5 mths... I'm such a mess.. I'm tired of feeling sad all the time yet I dunno how to make myself happy anymore... Honestly I've tried.. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again..

[BeDour]

You best response would be to play it off like you didn't even understand what she was talking about. If she texts you apologizing be like "Why are you sorry what are you sorry about?" and then she'll explain she's apologizing about the texts, to which you respond "Oh that? I could barely even read it. I didn't even know what you were talking about lol".

 

If she texts you saying it's over again, then you must remain nonchalant. Explain that you care about her very much, but if this is what she wants then you need to do what's best for you and move on too. Honestly, she probably won't like this response, but it'll help in the long run.

 

I seriously doubt she meant what she said in the texts though. Alcohol brings out our immediate emotions, not our true ones. She may have just had a bad thought about you while she was drinking and reacted.

[jellysandwich]

You best response would be to play it off like you didn't even understand what she was talking about. If she texts you apologizing be like "Why are you sorry what are you sorry about?" and then she'll explain she's apologizing about the texts, to which you respond "Oh that? I could barely even read it. I didn't even know what you were talking about lol".

 

Agreed on this.

 

But if she does text/call to say it's over, then don't give her any more of your time. Say "Ok" and hang up.

[CrapAtNC]

L-N-L, are you sure what you think is true (about her and some other guy) is true? And does she know you want to be with her?

[CrapAtNC]

I just want to curl up and die.... I think he has met someone new.. But I can't handle it.. I'm not over him yet.. Why am I not over him yet? I dun understand.. It's been more than a yr since we broke up and we only dated for 5 mths... I'm such a mess.. I'm tired of feeling sad all the time yet I dunno how to make myself happy anymore... Honestly I've tried.. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again..

 

As horrible as it may be making you feel right now, this may be exactly what you needed. You now HAVE to move on, focus on yourself, and accept it's over. It's these things that bring us better future relationships, whomever they may be with.

 

We're all in the same boat. We're all going to be OK. Everything will be fine. It always is.

[iduncare]

I have so many failed relationship, I'm tired of always trying to heal and move on.. My life is always about moving on... I have gave up my hobby to move on from him because we have to keep seeing each other because of this. We were in a band. Now I missed all the fun times we had with our mutual friends.. I can't even hang out with them anymore.. Yet he still does.. He is still having all the fun in the world.. this is not fair.. he is the one who dump me, why didn't he lose anything???

 

I'm at a loss now.. Do I continue to stay friends or not??

[CrapAtNC]

We ALL have many failed relationships--or at least one anyway. If you're tired of feeling this way, then it's time to say "To heck with this; I'm focusing on me from now on." The thing is, the moment we are truly happy being ourselves and by ourselves, we attract great people who appreciate someone who is happy no matter what life throws at them.

 

Only you can know if you should stay friends or not. I've decided to break off the friendship with my ex, and all is good.

[Live-N-Learn]

L-N-L, are you sure what you think is true (about her and some other guy) is true? And does she know you want to be with her?

 

I honestly don't know if she is dating anyone or not. She went with him and some friends to a concert last night but text me that message at around 12:30am. She followed it up with two more to which I still have not responded. So she may not be with anyone. Based on her texting while out with him and his friends. They are probably just friends.

 

her: 4:30am I want to die. I can't do vacation nor can I do life. Life is coexistand to what I believe. (she is still drunk I'm sure when sending this one)

her: 8:30am I'm sorry for the weird crazy texts last night. Although some of them are really funny!

 

So clearly the first text was not about me but about her being done with life. As for her knowing I want to be with her, I can't imagine she does not know. But since it seems she has friendzoned me the past month and I have continued to hang out with her, maybe she thinks I am OK with friendship. I really don't know right now if I want to get back with her though. This girl has a lot of issues as you can see. She parties way too much to avoid dealing with her life. I really need to think about what I want.

 

If I do want to get back with her are you suggesting I tell her? Should I respond to her apology text in the morning or just leave it alone. If so, what's a good nonchalance line for a girl that said this stuff above?

[CrapAtNC]

If I can be honest, and this is just my opinion, but you often seem to see things that aren't really there, and tend to be a little paranoid at times, as many of us do. In the past, I have been so needy that I would practically make up reasons in my head for them not giving me the attention I though I should be getting. Then I acted on those reasons. I just want to make sure that you're not seeing everything very differently to her.

 

If you do want to get back with her, yes, I suggest you tell her straight, but REALLY, REALLY in a non-needy, upbeat way. "I'm not getting what I want from this relationship. I like you, and I want to be with you, but it seems you don't want to be my girl. It's not what I want, but I can accept it, if that's what you want. As long as I have my Superman undies, I know everything's gonna be OK."

[CrapAtNC]

Oh, and just say something like "Don't beat yourself up over the texts. The spelling, however . . . yeah, maybe you should beat yourself up over that!"

[Live-N-Learn]

Thanks crap, I think that is a pretty cool way of saying it when the time is right. Yes I do at times get a little paranoid and make assumptions that so not serve me well. I will work on this.

 

Btw she just text me again.

 

Her: sorry for the texts. Love you

 

I sent your response.

 

She reponded:

her: Im going to beat myself into the river

 

I have not responded yet. Can't think of anything to say. She can't swim well so I was thinking: stay close to shore or put on some floaties first lol

[CrapAtNC]

Man, she likes you. Get things straight with her before you do anything else. Always better to say what you want before you go. If you don't, she may have no idea what she's done wrong.

 

All the best.

[Live-N-Learn]

Sounds like she is doing a little soul searching today. She posted on her FB wall "going to riverside to sit and think" I thought it best to change it up a little and be sensitive and real. Commented on her post and said "going to church with the kids tonight, another good place to think if your up for it" She has went with me a few times.

 

Then I sent her a text a little later:

me. If you wanna talk I'm her for ya. Sounds like your going through some stuff. Luv ya

her: Thank you. Love you.

 

Felt this was important to show her I am not uncaring in a time when she seems to be reflecting. Now I will leave her alone and wait for her to reach out to me which I know she will when she is ready.

[CrapAtNC]

Man, you really don't know when to leave it . . .

[Live-N-Learn]

Not sure why you think this was so bad. Please explain. Your response makes me feel like a fool

 

She just sent me a text.."wish you could be with me today"

 

What should I say if anything. I seem to be doing everything wrong in your opinion. Not trying to be disrespectful just don't understand.

[BeDour]

Not sure why you think this was so bad. Please explain. Your response makes me feel like a fool

 

She just sent me a text.."wish you could be with me today"

 

What should I say if anything. I seem to be doing everything wrong in your opinion. Not trying to be disrespectful just don't understand.

 

In my opinion, I think Crap is being a little too nonchalant (sorry bud and you're being a little too needy. You have to find a happy medium. At this point there's no reason to do full blown nonchalance, because she's saying she loves you and obviously has feelings and is thinking hard about something. But you also can't pour your heart out and smother her with all your built up affection. In this time of soul searching for her, that will push her away from you. By commenting her facebook wall, and THEN sending her another text further explaining that you're there for her; you're just beating it to death. You've let her know that you're there, don't keep pestering her. When she texts you or gets in contact with you be very nice and listen to her, but don't smother. For instance when she says "wish you could be with me today", respond with something like "that'd be nice I'd cheer you up and that's it. If she doesn't respond: conversation over.

 

Also, eventually you're going to have to put your foot down. She's unsure of what she wants right now, and that's fine, but don't let her make this a habit. If she keeps being "undecided" and sending mixed signals; you're going to have to let her know that enough is enough. It's not fair to you to keep jerking you around, and I've found that women tend to drag the "soul searching" process out longer than need be.

[bungalo]

(Filling in for Crap) no one male or female wants somebody at their beck and call 24/7 but go ahead LNL. Is this love or addiction?

[Live-N-Learn]

Crap, I really am trying to do this right. I have been thinking about your latest comment and trying to figure out what you mean. Is it that I am being to available? Why do we always have to play games? I do not want to look like a push over but was just trying to be there for her because she was being vulnerable to me by sending me two messages within to hours saying she was sorry and that she loved me.

 

Maybe I went too far after reading her post and seeing she was going to think along with her wanting to die text to me last night. I know she is hurting and felt being a smarta.. is not what she needed. I have not responded to her latest text above because i feel like I am now paralyzed and just can't do anything right. Don't even know if I should respond. Any insight would be appreciated.

 

I am thinking of just throwing in the towel and stop posting. It's hard enough getting through this with her and now I am feeling stupid on here as well.

[just not sure]

hey all

 

i just wanted to send you a message because tomorrow is a big day for me and i could use some advice. you already know about the entire thing with my ex getting jealous over facebook. since then, she's been very different. she calls and texts alot. she's helpful. she let me give her a kiss on the cheek yesterday. she got upset because i had to drop off some money to her and i just gave it to her and left without wanting to hang out. of course i told her i was planning on just texting her when i put it in the mailbox, when i got to her place she was outside waiting for me. the reason tomorrow is a big day is because we are taking a trip to the beach and spending the night there together. however, she is still seeing this guy. she sent me some messages (right after he left) saying among other things...

 

"i'm still going to keep him around for a little while in case i am making a mistake, but hopefully that won't happen."

 

we hung out after that and watched our old favorite show then she called me right before work and texted me all night, then she stopped when he was around, then texted me when she was driving home by herself, then stopped when he was around. they spent the night at her place the last 2 nights, then are hanging out tonight and we are going to the beach tomorrow. she says stuff about him like he looks at other girls when he is around and talked on the phone for 20 minutes with a girl he recently had a crush on while they were together. night before last i told her to call me if she would be by herself before she went to bed and she said "i don't think i even want him here tonight" yet he was there, then the next day she decided she wanted to go on the little trip. she told me yesterday that she feels he is getting aggravated by certain things about her. yet today when we talked she said "we are just friends right now. you wanted to do the whole process over so that's what we are doing. don't be pushy." i don't think i am pushy at all really, i just don't get her intentions. we also communicate better now than we ever did before so we talk alot about ourselves and how we feel and felt and the conversations turn that way. the problem is that she is seeing this other guy every night. i'm not really sure how to handle this right now. she did say she isn't sure why she felt jealous and i am afraid she is using this trip to find out if she really has any feelings for me. she has said things like she doesn't miss me and doesn't think about me yet she manages to call me and text me every day and say things like she hopes she isn't making a mistake so that just seems bogus. she is a proud person so i am kind of feeling that she says things because she is afraid to say she has feelings for me.

 

please help me, i am not at planning on being pushy at all on the trip. we are planning on watching a football game together before the drive then going out to eat, then for drinks and a movie so i feel like it will be a fun time for both of us, i am just not sure as to exactly how she feels. i get alot of what seem like mixed signals from her. please help.

[Julo]

LNL We are here to help you man....

[sadchick83]

Hey LNL,

 

Im in the same boat as you, I am not better than you, just better at hiding it. All people are saying is tone it down a bit. Post all you want, just contact her WAY less.

 

I have not heard from my guy in a week. So I send a one line text saying I was at the home show and the work displayed is crap compared to his....I didnt get my usual 30 second response, but was pre occupied so I let it go... He called me back 2 hours later saying he was on the way to the hospital for slicing his hand open.

 

All im saying is let a week or so go by before contact. Get busy. Im going to a tennis lesson tomorrow, followed by a tea party. Even if my guy called me to do something tomorrow, I can't 'cause I'm busy. When I see him, I will fill him in on the tennis etc., so he will know I have a life outside of him.

 

Maybe you need a vacation , trip to vegas, anything.

 

We are all here rooting for you!!

 

Is really hard to do, I know, but you have to just force yourself. FOr the ex's who are remaining in contact, giving us signs, it means they still have feelings. We increase our value in our eyes and there's when we think of ourselves first.

[Live-N-Learn]

Sorry folks, just got a little emotional. I know everyone is supportive and we are all trying to get through this together and help one another. Please don't take offense crap, you have been very helpful and I appreciate it. Anyways, I did not text her back and she just called me. Said she is feeling really sick cuz she took a diet pill and it is messing her up. All shaky n stuff. Asked me to keep talking to her cuz she felt out of it. She said she wished I did not have the kids so we could hang out together today. I did not say anything. She asked where I was and I said at home and asked why. She did not explain. Then a little later mentioned she might need to take a bath and lay down to get over this pill. Said maybe I'll use yours. I told her if she needed it she could.

 

I then tried to end the call and she tried to keep me on the phone. Finally she said OK I will call you back after I get my cloths from the mall. She called me back and said she was going to go to her friends Jesse's cuz his house was right around the corner and she wouldn't have to come all the way to my house. (it's about 30 min away). I said great at least you have somewhere to go. She then asked when I leave on my trip. I told her Thursday. She then said good then I have you on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I told her I would not be going out before the trip. She said yes you will, there's no way you will stay home all week after being in lock down with he kids all weekend. I just laughed.

 

Anyways, I then said I needed to go and attend to the kids. She was not happy and tried to keep me on the phone but I was finally was able to end the call. She seemed agitated that I ended it. I used to never end calls till the past few weeks I try to end every call. I really am trying to be less available but it is hard when they write all over your FB wall and text you 3 or 4 times a day and then call as well. Ughhhh I am going to do my best to not answer any more of her calls or texts this weekend.

 

Hopefully I did Ok in this exchange. Almost afraid to post it LOL JK

[Live-N-Learn]

Just no sure,

 

You are in a bad spot IMO. She is with this other guy and going on a trip with you behind his back. Are you going to be able to trust her after this even if she comes back? Additionally, she has told you that she is not sure if she has feelings for you and that you are just friends. It sounds to me like she is into him but is not sure it is going to work out with him cuz he seems like kind of a douche bag. You may just be plan B.

 

You really should not go and disrespect yourself like this. Stand up to her and tell her when she ends it with him to give you a call. Harder said than done I know. But this is not a good situation you are allowing yourself to be put in.

[CrapAtNC]

Live-N-Learn, you're doing great--really. It's just that, by always reassuring her that you're there, you set yourself back, doing her a favour by constantly reminding her you will take the position of Mr. Available. When she said she needed to go somewhere to think, that was amazingly good for you. When you then suggested you come with her, it was a kind gesture, but needy and pushy. Sometimes we have to show that we value and respect their ability to take care of themselves. If she hasn't invited you, don't invite yourself. If she does invite you, work out whether you want to go or should go, and then give the appropriate response. Show that you have a life beyond her and you will be creating a world for her to come join you in. Show her that you need to be in her world and you'll be crowding her in her own space.

 

You're a sensitive guy. That's GOOD. You just need to learn how to control your sensitivity so that it doesn't affect your demeanour nor make others feel that you will always hold them responsible for your happiness. Be happy regardless. Others will want to be around that.

 

You're doing great, and she obviously cares about you a great deal. Just pull back a little from now on, and for sure stop inviting yourself along to be her puppy. You want to be her man, so be someone she will want to come to, not pull away from.

 

All the best,

 

 

Crap

[iduncare]

Crap, as I've said yesterday I think my ex has met someone new. He doesn't care for me anymore nor does he give a damn if I'm still in his life.

 

He has borrowed something from me and I have been wanting him to return. Yesterday I texted him and asked if he has time to return me (I wad actually hoping we can hang out tgt) but he said he can't (probably need to hang out with his new girl) and that he'll come to my house to hand it back to me today.

 

The thing is, i really want my stuff back, but I dun really feel like seeing him anymore. How should I approach it? I'm thinking of lying that I'm not at home and ask him to leave it at the door...