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Nonchalance is Your Friend


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I see you have thought things over thoroughly and you are handling the situation really well. I think you are the only one who knows the answers to these questions. One thing I noticed, though, is that you keep on talking about your ex being ambiguous yet you yourself are showing some equivocation in your remarks. I understand that letting go of a committed relationship is no easy thing, so that may be what's showing through.


1) Why are you scared to push him away, unless you don't want it to be truly over? If it's truly over, pushing him away is not an issue.

2)If it's over, what difference does it make if you see each other, or not? Just work out the handover in whatever way seems most convenient.

3)Do you have clarity yourself? Leave his clarity to him. If it's over, it doesn't matter to you. If it helps you in any way to say how you feel, then say it. Just be clear why you are saying it.


Perhaps you don't want it to be over? You want the door left open? Be clear on that.



I never could think clearly in the wake of a breakup so I have found it best not to try to deal with an ex because I'd only wind up making things worse.


There were times before I understood this when I set myself up for a lot of heartache by getting back with an ex or even leaving the door open. There wasn't real change, it was just a re-run that I wish I'd never allowed to happen. It only prolonged the agony. Even now I can't say I'm "cured," I just get a little bit better about moving forwards. The worst thing is when someone leads me on. Don't be doing that.


Best wishes on your journey. It's a rocky road, but you will be ok.

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Been away for a while. Had to pop back to remind myself how nonchalance is so good for relationships where we might otherwise be too emotional and destructive. Hoping nonchalance is working for everyone else here.


Wishing everyone a nonchalant Year of the Sheep—happy Chinese New Year!


Hi Crap!


Just looking for some of your wonderful advice on my situation! We broke up a long time ago (after 6 years together) and I found no one was as good as him. He has a new girlfriend since January (family friend) and he seems really invested in it. He says we werent nothing and we should still be friends but hasn't made an effort whatsoever to reach out. I reacted emotionally a while ago but we havent spoken for some time now, we see each other in work but I try to remain upbeat so he doesn't notice.

Do you think he'll make an effort to be friends if I keep doing my thing? We have the same friend group too but he seems so invested in her right now. I'm a bit worried he's gone forever but I would like to try nonchalance, I'm a lot better at doing my own thing than I was a few months ago. It would be very disappointing if he never contacted me again though. I should see him in group socialising in the future, he can be a bit weird with eye contact at the moment with all of this!

If I let him come to me, do you think he will? I feel the relationship is so new that he may be falling in love Thank yoooooou!

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  • 2 months later...

Absolutely fantastic thread. It has helped me a great deal over the past month that I have been reading it. Been 4months since the BU now, initially ended because of my being too needy, then got worse as the standard pleading etc. took hold, but after reading various books (the power of now by Eckhart Tolle, double your dating' by David Deangelo, 'the ex2 system' by Matt Huston, 'how to be a 3% man' by Corey Wayne and 'the way of the superior man' by David deida) and a lot of ENA I have managed to put my self in a better state of mind. Not thinking about the future and accepting circumstances as they come.


Not managed to get my ex back, but I have been able to keep my cool while around her, leading to us having dinner together and sleeping together on a few occasions. She did however mention that she has started internet dating, but I didn't rise to it or get upset so I guess the new mindset is taking hold, just have to go back into NC to avoid being friendzoned further.


Thanks to crap and everyone involved in this thread, a well deserved bump for such an enlightening read

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  • 10 months later...

This thread has a lot of good points and I want to bump this so that people can have a read.


A lot of people fall into codependency and often times it becomes an unhealthy balance. The art of nonchalance can really help with your unhealthy behaviors and boost your attractiveness level!

It's not about acting like you don't care. It's about not caring too much.


Learn to acknowledge your feelings, accept them, and don't act too strongly on them. Nonchalance!


I wish I had use this. Unfortunately, I didn't but now that I KNOW... I can start altering my behaviors. Baby steps!


Hope this helps anyone else out there.

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  • 2 weeks later...



I use to be nonchalant and it is very attractive and appealing to others. Recently I have lost my nonchalant attitude, and I can tell you it has had a negative impact on opposite sex. So back to nonchalance thanks for this wonderful post!

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  • 7 months later...

How are you all doing? Things do change! I have been single since I let go of the guy who brought me to the Relationship Amusement Park and House of Horrors (The carousel, round and round we go; the House of Mirrors, where all views are distorted; the Tunnel of Love -- well, you know; the Ferris wheel-- it takes you high then brings you back down again; plus assorted games you can't win and side shows that are never as good as advertised etc. ) I've since dated a few guys casually, but nothing stuck -- but I did not hang on, and I call that progress. What's your news?

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  • 4 months later...

Here I am in my single life. It's good! Leaving the Relationship Amusement Park freed up a lot of time for me to compete with my dogs (we got a lot of titles! Both are champions) and enjoy knitting, reading, restoring antique sewing machines and also sewing on them, wool spinning, and general slacking. What have you all been up to?

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