Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[Anon333]

bitebenot.....i am losing hope he will ever come back..it hurts, but that is a good thing..i just posted a thread about seeing photos of my ex with a new girl, and seeing them looking happy and in love all broke my heart all over again.....he is already bonding with her more than he ever bonded with me it seems....i cant see how he would ever come back to me...honestly, i think i am better looking a bit...but that doesnt matter....she is still cute, and seems to have so many friends and talent and excitment in her life, none of which i have....i feel like a loser....he dumped me and upgraded....ugh.....setback city....im so sad...

no contact for me to heal..hopes that he is even missing me or thinking about me is gone..and that is what hurts the most...even if he never reached out...i had hoped he was missing me a little, maybe second guessing...but those photos i saw created a whole other storry..he moved on to a bigger and better chapter and is probably happy im gone.....such a crappy feeling......

[cm17]

Jmr I read your post. That is much more complicated than my situation (so far at least)! I hope everything works out for you, you seem to be on the right track. The problem with me is that I already feel like the ball is in his court. When I saw him on friday I wasn't dramatic or that emotional (not anymore than him) but I did let him know that I was thinking I might have been hasty and that I did miss him and still loved him. He seemed a bit more confused than I was at that point. He asked if he could contact me and I said yes so long as there were no mixed messages. However all this was said so soberly I'm not sure he realized how much I really was wanting him. However I am prideful, I don't want to be outright rejected! Or do anything so extreme that it makes me look desperate though I feel that way sometimes. maybe I should just continue with NC until he breaks it?

 

Anon333 I also feel you! Although I really don't think you should get down on yourself, he may very well be second guessing. There are quite a few stories out there where couples enter new relationships and end up missing their ex. Thats what this thread is mainly about. I keep looking at my ex's facebook, and he already did have a flirty comment from a chick he works with which made me very jealous. I keep telling myself to quit. I've been going out with friends every night this week, and meeting new guys does help at least on some level. You might not be looking for anything serious but I do think a lil flirting helps. The weird thing is I've had more men coming onto me this week (including weirdly a friend of my ex's brother) than I've had all year. I think putting yourself out there just a little might take the edge off and remind you that your are an attractive girl who is a "catch".

[bitebenot]

You are to vulnerable to take any action or decisions at this moment. Take some time to heal...at 2 months of NC you will begin to fell better. You must take that time off. For now the less you know about him the better. Find someting interesting to do. Go out more often with friends. It is hard to deal with the roller coaster rides but it will comme to an end.

[AMG16]

I would put money that if you do the NC in a petulant or childish way, they will know it. The only way they'll come back in 90% of cases after that is when and if the rebound/new relationship goes sour.

 

I'm affraid I've done this. Is it too late to make contact, apoligize for dropping of the face of the earth, but that I was only trying to respect her wish for space? Then do I tell her that I would appreciate if we could do NC for both of us?

[Sac]

i would appreciate if anyone could give there personla advice on this situation

 

we been broken up about 7 weeks ago...3 weeks in she got a new bf...last contact was 2 weeks ago when is sent her a bday card, and she immedietly replied with a thank you and a smiley face...and thats it

 

question if anyone can anwser please... ive deactivated my facebook account only has been for a about 4 days now..but ive done it as i keep getting tempted to look at my ex gf profile.. she still has my msn tho. all this does this immply acting "childish" "dropping of the face of the earth" ?

 

even so should i immply the NC rule to her if she contacts me? also im still in 2 minds on what to be like if she does ever talk to me again. do i come accross as an awsome person like shes missing out and be very blunt with her like "hope your ok and things are going well for you" so she gets the impression im not interested anymore or shall i be very reserved (make her wonder, curiosity )and just ask about her alot?

[bitebenot]

I'm affraid I've done this. Is it too late to make contact, apoligize for dropping of the face of the earth, but that I was only trying to respect her wish for space? Then do I tell her that I would appreciate if we could do NC for both of us?

 

Yes you can ! You can write to her what Zorba said to do.

To tell her its for the best, give her the best wishes for the future and send her all your love. Also mention that friendship is not possible for known reasons. Thats it !

[bitebenot]

Acting childish ? No because she dumpted you remember ? So its normal to desappear no matter what she would think of it.

 

What is a break-up ? Means not being wanted ! Not being around at all, no calling or visiting..no mail or emails...no msn,yahoo or fb.

All she needs is a phone number ! Dont forget this, she knows she can have you back and at anytime ! So why should she be worried ? She could ask you to run the quarter mile in a minute and im sure you would do it !

Theres nothing more you can do at this time, shes in her honeymoon stage.

 

You should stay away from her and her new dude...if she wants you back you'll know trust me. My exs b.day is coming up, she wont get a b.day card or a " Hi " from me ! I will never communicate with her even if my life depended on it. I got my pride and im free from her, thank God !

[morinphen]

this is an epic thread... i feel like this is perfect advice for the situation i'm in. Just got out of a 1.5 year relationship for about a month but we're still "friends" mostly because i desperately want her back. She told me quite bluntly she doesnt love me anymore and she's close to getting together with another guy. Hearing the gruesome details from her just makes me even more

mad/sad, so now i've decided to cut off contact if it means theres a chance we'll get back together... thing is we're going back to the same school out of town in Sept, so i'm hoping we can make it work again. But i'm scared that she'll fall in love with the rebound when im banking on my chance later on... the thought of leaving her alone with him for 6 months drives me crazy. Now i'm talking myself out of it and just staying friends... help?

[Sac]

haha my relationship pretty much the same amount of time and scenario... just leave her to it and try to move on...its * * * * i know. i dont want to sound harsh but i would love to wind up with some stunning women and bascially flip off my ex for going out wiht some one so quick

[bitebenot]

Doesnt mean she wont break up with him way before the six months are over. Desappear and let her stew over it. No friendship because you know why she wants it ! Its all about her,not you ! Dont become a back burner !

[Live-N-Learn]

Do I have any chance of getting my X back based on the path I am on? If I should change anything please let me know. I really want her to come back and have tried to follow the advice I have read in this thread. Thanks

 

She broke up with me 2 months ago. It was really confusing because we had never really had a fight or disagreement the 6 months we had been together. There was no cheating in the relationship so I was left with her saying I just need some time to work on some things.

 

I like most of us did everything wrong for the first 4 weeks. Telling her how much I cared, asking her to come back, texting, calling, asking her out and so on. She was polite but non-responsive to getting together. but kept sending mixed signals. I think I only saw her a few times in the first 4 weeks. She was still texting me in the mornings, calling me to talk, telling me she missed me but made it clear she only wanted to be friends and see what happens.

 

So like a fool in week 4 asked her to a party to establish our friendship that she wanted to work on to see what happened. She did meet me at the party 4 weeks ago and she brought some of her friends I did not know. I was cool to her but did not give her much of my time. I danced with other girls and just had fun. All night she kept having my friends come get me so I would dance with her. She pretty much ignored her friends. Saying stuff to me like this is our song, you’re wearing the shirt I bought you. We ended up in my car talking and she fell asleep in my lap for 2 hours saying she had not felt this comfortable in a long time.

 

I asked her the next day to get back to together cuz everything felt so right the night before and the attention she was giving me. I thought she wanted to come back. She said I cant right now and did not tell me why. So since the party she has text me almost everyday to say hi and make small talk. Called a few times but did not ask to get together again. It was tearing my heart apart cuz I want her back and don’t want to be put in the friend zone. So on Monday (8 days after the party) I asked her to meet me for lunch cuz I had something I needed to share with her. It was only the 3rd time I had seen her in person in a month.

 

I told her I have grown to care for her with all my heart but must let her go. I said you have made it clear to me you do not want to get back together right now and I need to go mend my heart. I told her I have for the past month reached out to you to let you know how important you are to me and that I want you back but you have not responded. I am not willing any longer to put myself out there, it is too painful and I’m letting go. I am 48 years old and ready for a special lady in my life, one that wants to be with me. If you decide you want to come back let me know and hopefully it won’t be too late.

 

She asked me what it meant to let her go. I told her I would not be putting myself out there to her anymore to be rejected, you know where you stand. She asked if I was dumping her as a friend as well. I told her no. It was a good conversation done in love and we hugged and said goodbye.

 

She kept texting me almost everyday since this talk being really nice and even asked me out for the next weekend but I had my kids and could not make it. She said we will have to do it very soon then. She was still making it clear about working on the friendship. So I decided I must go NC

 

I called her a week after this last talk and told her I have come to the realization that we are in two different places right now. You want to be friends and I want more. That is ok but I have to be honest with you, I am not capable of being just friends right now. I care too much and want more. And if we continue down this path it is not going to be good for either of us.

 

I need to take some time away from you and will come back in your life when I can be ok with just being friends. Right now I just can’t continue a close friendship. It is not healthy for either of us.

 

If you come to the realization that you want something more than just a friendship I am open to talking about it. I just ask that you not contact me unless this is the case.

 

This is nothing you have done wrong were just in different places as to what we want right now and it wont work.

 

 

She told me she understood and was really sad about it. I added, I know it’s your birthday in a couple weeks and I already have your present. If you want I can drop it by your work and we can catch a bite for lunch and that will be it. She said she would rather do it over drinks after work one night. I said OK, we might as well go out on a high note.

 

We picked a day and she asked if the lines of communication could stay open till then. I said yes. Well she text me everyday, she called me last Wednesday on St Patty’s day and asked what I was doing. I told her I was at a club and she asked if she could come out. I said OK. We danced all night and she ended up spending the night at my house. I know this was a mistake but I was buzzed and really missed her.

 

Well the next night (last Thursday) we went out for our birthday bash/last time before me going NC. We had a blast, dance all night, hung out with a few friends and then parted ways. She asked me to text her when I got home but I was buzzed and passed out. I woke up to a text from her asking why I didn’t text her.

 

I told her I was buzzed and kinda messed up my car on the way home. She asked if she could call me. I said yes. We talked for 30 minutes. It was our last talk. She said I suck for checking out on her. I told her you know how I feel. If you want to come back and try again give me a call. If not, this is it.

 

Did I do the right thing? Should I have told her she could call if she wants still even though she has not said she wants to come back? I really could use some advice on this. Maybe she will forget about me. I don’t know. I am confused.

 

Truthfully she only started to respond, text, call and hanging out again once I told her I was checking out.

 

 

I am on day 5 of NC and she has not tried to contact me at all.

Sorry for the long post.

[bitebenot]

Dont expect anything at 5 days of NC ! This takes months. You did the LC.

So now its NC , i mean NC at all. You also told her to call you if she changes her mind...not good ! You should not answer any calls unless its about reconciliation. Just listen to the messages. No emails or anything else similar like fb.

 

I think she has a new b. friend. Friendship is out of the question. If she wants you back you got to make it hard for her to do so or she will dump you again. She was divorce before you met her. How long was she divorce for ? Maybe you were a rebound.

 

You have to stay away from her. Cant meet her anymore no matter what.

Let her miss you by desappearing completely. Your relationship was only 6 months long. If she doesnt come back at least you will heal faster.

Being away from her will not make her forget you. It will give her time to assess the situation. Whatever you do stay busy and move on. Dont stay fixed like a post and wait for her.

She might come back but no one can tell really.

[San Miguel]

Came accross these forums and its sort of a last chance saloon for me in my relationship (so I think), wondered if anyone can give me advice...especially you Zorba (no offence to the rest of you - your advice is welcome too)

 

Ok..heres my story...

 

Been married for almost 8 years but been with my partner for 17 years. Im 38 and she is 34. After a few rocky months I mad the mistake of saying I think I should move out in the hope we would start communicating again. I didnt really want to move out, we have two beautiful kids, I just said something big to grab her attention. The reply was..."ok"!

 

A week later she told me she wanted a divorce, no mediation, no reconciliation...she said she hadnt loved me for years (I find this hard to believe as we still had our moments although the last few months were pretty rough).

 

She said move out or I will with the kids. I couldnt have the kids going through all that upheaval so I said I would. While clearing out some of my stuff I found a couple of pics of her kissing another man while she was away for a weekend with a girlfriend. I totally lost my rag, confronted her and she said it was nothing. I pushed her over and locked her out of the house. The police were called but no action was taken. She then took the kids out of school one day and phoned me halfway up the motorway saying she is going to her parents (300 miles away) and not coming back until I move out. It took me 4 weeks to sort out a new property and move out. In that time I only saw my kids once (which really was hard on me an my emotions).

 

Within 4 weeks of me moving out and her coming back the divorce petition has gone to court and I now have to decide whether or not to contest it.

 

I WILL as I come from a single parent family and its not nice. I feel duty bound to my kids to try all I can to avoid them going into the same situation.

 

Anyway, I begged and pleaded her like a puppy dog basically and it hasnt worked. I feel I have nothing left to lose but try this reverse physcology. Trouble is things have got a little angry between us of late as she gives me very little access to the kids.

 

How do you think I should handle this?

 

I do have my faults...smoked a lot of weed when we were together (medicinally) but have given it up completely since she left. She knows I have packed it in. I got lazy and took them for granted but now I get up at 5.45am every day and do all I can with the kids when I get to see them. I now go to church and have become a changed man over the last 3 months to what I was before. She has seen all this but still refuses to even talk about things and just wants me out of her life "we can never be a couple again".....but she still wants to be friends.

 

She also has her faults, she emotionally bullied me for years, blamed me for everything that went wrong, but the bottom line is I LOVE HER. Thats why Ive been with her for 17 years....half my life has been spent with her.

 

I keep thinking I see contradictions in some of the things she says and still believe there is some hope, if only a little, although she categorically denies any love for me at all.

 

How do I move forward, when we need to have contact for the kids sake and the fact that she has already filed for divorce?

 

Any help/advice is much appreciated.

[Live-N-Learn]

Thanks for the advice. I guess there is no way I can tell her I have moved on and get out of her thinking she can just call anytime and have me back. I did just read the book "get him back forever" they said you should use FB if you both have an account to post picks of you having fun and out with other girls. I know she would see these and maybe this would show her I am not sitting around waiting for her?

 

I never thought of it but maybe I am the rebound guy. It was about 4 months after they ended it. So if she has moved on from me I guess she is doing a double dribble! LOL I am now on Day 6 of NC. It is her Bday tomorrow and I know it is going to bother her if I do not contact her. That may be a start.

[bitebenot]

Move on and let her know about it ! You were a rebound, thats explains it all.

Making her jealous wont cost you anything so why not.

[Sac]

but your ex was a girl? and it really says to use facebook as a tool haha. i read the magik of making up...i actually wasnt impressed

[bitebenot]

SAN MIGUEL (Zorba asnt been seen for the last 2 years)

You are in a very bad position here. Sorry about that, its really tough i know.

Your priority will be the children of course.

 

When you wife says shes out of love it might be out of frustrations.

With the children you cant be in NC. But the best its contact only about the children or the divorce. No friendship, its not good for you.

 

Keep working on yourself and keep improving. If she never comes back it will serve you in the near future. The months ahead will be very hard... here we call it the roller coaster ride. The less you meet and talk to her the better. It will give her time to seriously think things over.

 

Right now you need to take care of yourself. If she does want you back it will be months away...the way she feels now i would say 6 months to a year if not more. Healing and moving on is the way to go for the immediate futur. At one point in time she might get unconfortable if you start dating. When the time comes you will know if you're ready to do so. Its imperative that you just dont stand still and wait for her ! Your life will change a lot, just be ready. Making new friends maybe. After 17 years it will take time to heal but after 3 months it will start to improve. You are now single, try to enjoy it.

 

At this time its about all you can do. Move on and dont let hope slow you down. No one knows if she will come back or not..it will be her choice to do so. By improving yourself it might help you.

[San Miguel]

bitebenot - Thanks very much for your input. Its much appreciated. I was meant to meet with my wife tonight to discuss certain things but I told her I needed space and that we can leave it until mediation (about a week away). Not relationship mediation I must point out as she has refued that, but mediation regarding the financials of divorce and child access issues.

 

'Really tough' doesnt even come close lol!! I have obviously relied on her for far too long as I am slowly dissolving into a nervous wreck on my own. I am the type of person who needs love and I am so starved of it now that I feel like pleading with complete strangers on the street just to hold me! And this is coming from a 6ft 1in, normally super-confident alpha male!!

 

All my friends here are tokers so I am keeping away from them which leaves me nothing more than 2 nights a week with my kids, both under 5, or long distance calls to the one true friend I have who lives 300 miles away (where I used to live). Loneliness sure is taking it out of me. I have started going swimming once a week, Im getting a mountain bike to be more pro-fitness, but its the tender touch of my wife that I really need. I feel like Im in an emotional prison...and this is just the start.

 

Thanks again for the advice.

[bitebenot]

Time will take care of your pain. Staying fit and busy is the way to go.

In a few months a new you will come out. Myself im in a gym most of the time, it does help a lot. Making new friends would be a good thing for you.

 

Its time to look to a brighter future. Maybe a new women with diffrent views on life.(in time) Sometimes we have to accept what is trown to us even if its negative or nasty. Just be prepared for a real change and getting rid of your flaws. As you know we have no powers over our ex's but we can at least control what we still can and let go of the rest. Letting go of her is the way to go for now.

 

Since this situation is out of your control you have to accept the outcome.

Maybe one day you wouldnt even want to have her back ! All is possible.

Meeting new people is a good idea even if your not in a mood to do so.

Being free is not bad in itself, its what you will do with it that will make a difference for you.

 

Its possible to leave the darkness and enter the light.

 

2 quotes i found

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.

 

The stupidest mistake in life is thinking the one who hurt you the most wont hurt you gain.

[abigheart]

That is true. Although, in some cases the dumper may not come back if they think the dumpee's moved on. And what annoys me about reverse psychology, even if it does work is that the dumpee gives the impression that they're fine and they've moved on. That can be quite an intimidating thing for a dumper to go back to. Plus a dumper doesn't want to go back on themselves and often they will do anything to stick by their decision.

 

Wow, I'm only on page 31 out of 125 - clearly, this thread has been quite the successful discussion. It's helped me a lot and I do have a lot more pages to get through but really appreciate everyone's insight, shared experiences.

 

But as Mustang pointed above... what if the case is that the dumper just doesn't have the balls to fight for what he/she wants deep down because he/she is basing it on the assumption that the dumpee has moved on?

 

I feel like my ex who dumped me and I DO have potential to get back together sometime down the road (although I don't want to rely on it too much) but as everyone has suggested, I'm doing NC and am going to work on myself, etc. However, his personality is very much sticking by his gut and decisions and not changing his mind...I'm actually afraid that by NC and seeing that I have moved on will just scare him away not to attempt to get back with me. What then?

[Loxxt]

I felt exactly what you felt... That he'd assume I'd moved on and considering he left me for someone else, he wouldn't care much. At this point everything's an assumption. I'd let NC continue. If you are to ever reconcile you both have to have moved on past this break. I'd wait it out and see how you feel in a couple months.

 

Every situation is unique but the basis and purpose of NC are generally the same. Use this time to reflect, learn and grow.

[bitebenot]

I read those posts...mustang was desperate when he wrote them.

If your ex still loves you nothing will stop him from reaching you. If he doesnt

it will mean that its not there anymore ! In the next 3 months you will know.

He could even try to reach you a year later if not more. No one knows.

 

Thats why at one point you need to move on and stop waiting for him. He cant be forced to come back, he has to do it on his own !

Hope he will miss you and act on it. He wont forget you in the next few months, dont worry for that one. Hes thinking hard the way it is. He will reevaluate his situation many times. Been there done that !

 

Just give him space and dont communicate with him. Ignore messages that means nothing. He will have to earn your trust back...you cant take him right away if he ask you to. You have to be hard to get if you get my point ! Take him rapidly and he will leave again.

[bitebenot]

LOXXT

Sorry, we commented at the same time. Didnt mean to pass over you.

[Loxxt]

LOXXT

Sorry, we commented at the same time. Didnt mean to pass over you.

 

No need to apologize We're both just tryin' to help out!

[abigheart]

Hi bitebenot - thanks for the words of encouragement! I will stick by my guns but not depend on any chance of us getting back together...

 

And thank you loxxxt - yes I will use this time to reflect and grow.