Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[getbiii]

because you need someone to talk to,

thats what we are here for.

[Agrajag]

Do NC or very LC. I would go against some of the advice here and say if you are on good terms with the dumper, don't do cold NC. Don't just drop off the face of the earth. Yes the dumper may panic at the sudden loss, but the rebound is there to comfort them and take over. The longer the dumpee has been taking up the slack of the rebound, the more likely NC will have little effect. At least little effect in the way most here are truly looking for. It'll look like you're punishing them. It can also look petulant and childish. In this case the only way they'll come back is if the rebound dumps them or hurts them.

 

What if we're not sure if there's a rebound on the Dumper's side?

 

wish them your love and all the best in their new relationship and actually move on.

 

What if you've asked, "If this [break up] is about the desire to seek a new relationship, please tell me." This answer I got was "pffft, no way!" because it was a break up about where she was in her life. Because of NC I dont' even know if she's met a guy that's trying to "console" her. As far as I know she'd just brush them off in fear she'd get hurt

 

Do all the usual. Get fit, make yourself better, date others, get out, etc and actually move on.

 

Do I show her my new life. is this how the Dumper starts to miss the dumpee?

 

It often boils down to this. Humans are attracted to what they can't have. They are really attracted to what they thought they had but now don't. That's one of the big reasons dumpees go into a panic when the split first happens. That's why dumpees forget about the dumpers bad points and concentrate on the good. If you want them back reverse that. Basic human nature.

 

How do I become unavailable?

 

 

You "play the game" of attraction. Same deal here, with the advantage that during this NC if you do it right, you're making yourself a better person for whomever you end up with.

 

It's not she's innocent of playing mind games with me etither

[getbiii]

sounds like she needs space, give it to her but let her know that, tell her you respect her choice and are going to give her all the space she needs because you care for her.

during this time you become unavailable and do everything you can to change what she might not like about you, or simply become a better you... improve on school or work.

go to the gym. let some time pass if there is another you will know and you mightt need to change you strategy but for now thats the only thing you can do.

[comicgal]

Okay. So I said thank you for him depositing our child's support into my bank account. That's okay right? I have no desire to have to say anything else because I don't want him to think i'm going to be here for him, just waiting. Things to do, people to see.

[comicgal]

F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need to find a way to find out what she's doing at school without having to talk to him. Just went through another text exchange (friendly though) about her HW not being done. I just don't want to talk to him at all since it seems like he has all the power and it's messing up my peace. I don't want him to think we're cool. Just found her teacher's email address so i'll be using that in the future.

[bitebenot]

What if we're not sure if there's a rebound on the Dumper's side?

 

 

 

What if you've asked, "If this [break up] is about the desire to seek a new relationship, please tell me." This answer I got was "pffft, no way!" because it was a break up about where she was in her life. Because of NC I dont' even know if she's met a guy that's trying to "console" her. As far as I know she'd just brush them off in fear she'd get hurt

 

 

 

Do I show her my new life. is this how the Dumper starts to miss the dumpee?

 

 

 

How do I become unavailable?

 

 

 

 

It's not she's innocent of playing mind games with me etither

 

You took a post from 10/2007 !

You went to many threads for answers. You will get the same answers here !

How can you be so deeply in love only after 6 months ?

Shes only 18... she will see others beside you, thats the way it is.

 

You say you dont know if she has a new bf...then tell yourself she does !

Respect the NC and move on like you've been told many times before.

At this time you're desperate and in pain. Get over her !

No communications and start dating even if its for friendship. You need to know that being alone aint the end of the world. You are needy, thats a fact.

 

Only time will heal you, stop looking for solutions to get her back..you know what to do, so do it ! Desappear from her and stop wondering what shes doing. She dumped you and thats it ! You have to respect her decision no matter what. You cant depend on someone else to make you happy, that part is for you to take care of.

 

Respect the NC rules and move on. Forget her, she might never come back. Even if she does..will she do it again ? I think she would. Shes very young..she doesnt know better.

 

You're relationship lasted only six months..you will get over her in two months. Relax, go out and enjoy you're time with others. Just tell yourself shes gone for good, it will help you.

[Agrajag]

You took a post from 10/2007 !

 

Sorry I'll try not to stay on topic next time...lol

 

You went to many threads for answers. You will get the same answers here !

No, I didn't actually because I've been asking many different questions - and not all of them to do with my ex.

 

How can you be so deeply in love only after 6 months ?

Shes only 18... she will see others beside you, thats the way it is.

 

You say you don't know if she has a new bf...then tell yourself she does !

Respect the NC and move on like you've been told many times before.

At this time you're desperate and in pain. Get over her !

No communications and start dating even if its for friendship. You need to know that being alone aint the end of the world. You are needy, thats a fact.

 

Only time will heal you, stop looking for solutions to get her back..you know what to do, so do it ! Disappear from her and stop wondering what shes doing. She dumped you and that's it ! You have to respect her decision no matter what. You cant depend on someone else to make you happy, that part is for you to take care of.

 

Respect the NC rules and move on. Forget her, she might never come back. Even if she does..will she do it again ? I think she would. Shes very young..she doesnt know better.

 

You're relationship lasted only six months..you will get over her in two months. Relax, go out and enjoy you're time with others. Just tell yourself shes gone for good, it will help you.

 

I have taken your comment into consideration.

 

However. I never said she just "dumped me". She said she needed time.

I'm not asking you to tell me how I should feel.

I'm asking for help solving a problem

 

HOW ABOUT THIS

Wouldn't it make more sense to carry on with my life knowing she's healing. Knowing that she's very likely in love with me still, but just needs time and space. Maybe SHE is terrified I'll move on. Maybe I should just calm my anxious mind knowing that no matter what this is worth it. In 2 months, yeah i may be over her. I'll still have a place for her in my heart. I'll have healed.

 

Sorry, but who exactly are you to question how in love I am after a certain period of time? She's 18, so what? Maybe I see maturity in her that no one else gave her the chance to explore because you assumed she's emotionally immature. Maybe LIFE happens and she needed to take a breath.

 

Of course she'll see other people, someday - that doesn't mean we won't continue and run the course of the relationship.

 

I want to hear something positive for a change around here.

 

I feel like I start to feel worse and worse trying to find support here.... because everyone seems to attack her because she's young and attacks me because I'm trying to find a way to support her with the love I have for her.

 

Maybe if you KNEW her you would know. Maybe if you KNEW our history you could say something. Were you there when we met?

 

Maybe coming to this conclusion means I've got my answer. I trust her.

[getbiii]

real love will conquer all,

nothing is impossible in this life if you try.

everything in life has a solution, exept for death but even that is questionable....

 

its only over until you want...

 

look at my story and im still not giving up.

 

why should you?

[AMG16]

Hi. I'm brand new to this forum, so please forgive me if I'm cutting in on this thread. I'm having a very difficult time with much of the same things that have been discussed here. My girlfriend of 3 years has recently left me a second time. The first time she broke up with me was about 9 months ago, and we were apart for about 3 months. Now she has broken up with me a second time about a month ago. I have done cold hard NC with her this time. The last communication I had with her was about a month ago via email. If more details on the break up are needed I can provide them, I just didn't want you guys to have to read through a book here! About a week after that email communication, she emailed me. The email was pointless, and to me just an excuse to make contact. I ignored it. Then a week later she sends me a text message. She said "do you still have my ipod dock" That's it. Again I didn't respond. I took it as another excuse to make contact. I have had that thing for over 2 years. She didn't ask about the first time we broke up, so why is it a big deal all of a sudden? Also, she had changed her phone number, and I thought maybe this was an excuse for me to have her new number, since she could have text me from her work cell, emailed, or called from her home or work line. Then two days later I got another text, just before midnight. It said "You know I know you are not too busy to respond." Then a few minutes later I got a really rude text from her, it didn't make a lot of sense and had lots of spelling errors. "so Iwamt what I deserve, you have no respect and I'm fck%ingad I was w u so long" That is what it said. I know she was drinking. It was late, and St. Patricks day. Also last time we broke up she did much of the same thing. She resorted to drinking and partying, I guess to help her cope. I also got some very rude texts last time as well. However, last time, I always responded to her. In a very loving and mature way. No matter how awful the things she said to me were, I always told her that I cared for her, and was concerned in how she was doing. My question is this. Is it a mistake for me to have gone cold hard NC on her this time? She is obviously very mad at me for ignoring her. I realize I should have responded when she asked about her stereo as it is her property. I really felt like she was just using to contact me though, and make sure I was still there for her whenever she needed. I'm scared my NC is going to alienate her even further from me.

 

I Was going to email her this week, and tell her that I will bring her stuff to her, as I will be in her city for a few days at the end of the week. I could just drop it off at her relatives, or should I use this as an opportunity to see her? I'm just scared she will still be very mad at me, and won't respond well no matter how kind I am. Do I apologize for not responding and tell her I was only trying to respect that she had asked for space?? I Really wish I would have TOLD her that I would be doing NC, initially rather than just ignoring her. I'm also questioning if she is in a rebound relationship. She has been posting all over this guys wall on facebook. This guy is also a friend of mine on there so she knows I can see what she is writing to him, so she might just be doing it to make me jealous. She knows that I know this guy likes her. She posted a video on there of a party she held at her house. He was playing the piano and they were all singing. Then she went and through her arms around his neck and said "I never knew you could play like this." again she knows I can see this. So i don't know if she is just trying to get a reaction from me, since I haven't responded to her, or if there is anything going on with them. He tried to kiss her last time we were broken up, and she wanted nothing to do with it then. This time I don't know. Any advice and how to handle this situation without pushing her further away would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

[AMG16]

I guess I should just start a new thread for my situation. Will you guys read it all if I post all the details!!?? I would really appreciate a different perspective on things. Having a really hard time with this. Thanks.

[bitebenot]

When a women says she needs time away in my book it means being dumped ! And who is matured at age 18 ? What do they know about life at that age ? Are they wise ? You give her a lot of excuses for the way she left you. She will see other men faster than you think if its not already done !

At this time you only want positive answers...that cant happen all the time !

And its not an attack ! You want support,fine...but dont ask for the impossible ! Try to find 3 here who got their ex's back ! Thats reality my friend ! The same goes for me !

 

You talk about your history with her...no history exist in only six months !

You didnt even have enough time to know her better. No one falls in love in six months...its attraction ! Been there done that. Yes you can trust her all you want...for how long will you wait ?

 

For better answers ask Dr Phil . I repeat, move on and forget her ! She might come back, she might not also. Expectations sometimes arent good.

Again its my opinion, you got all the rights in the world to ignore it.

[BobbyC]

For better answers ask Dr Phil . I repeat, move on and forget her ! She might come back, she might not also. Expectations sometimes arent good.

Again its my opinion, you got all the rights in the world to ignore it.

 

Bitebenot,

For the most part I respect your opinions and the advice you give people. But I have to step in here. Dr Phil is POS. You can't listen to anything he says. He's a man hater and he's beaten women in the past.

[bitebenot]

Shes trying very hard to keep you as a friend. I do think that NC is better for now. Gve it some time to see how much she will miss you. We dont know the real reason why she left you. But you cant ignore the possibilities.

She understand why you dont answer her emails or the phone. She will be uspset at times..even mad. But what else could you do really ? You are the one whos hurt ! Never forget yourself, thats imperative !

 

The time apart will give her a chance to miss you and think about the situation. If she has a rebound its another good reason to stay away. The fact that she tries to reach you its mostly because she needs you ! Call it guilt...or she started to miss you already...you did leave a void ! She wont be able to fill it for a while, if she can ! By talking to you it makes her more at ease...it makes it more confortable for her, which you dont want to provide !

 

Take the time to stay busy...try to overcome the stress for a litle everyday.

Maybe you can try a contact her after 3 months..not before. If she chases you first its a lot better. But if she gets to confortable (because you called her) she will dump you for good shortly after. Just wait a bit and see what else can come up. By staying away from her, it wiill be harder for her and the new bf (if he exist). Hope for the best !

[getbiii]

hey you guys! so i have an update!

my ex is out ! she hasn't called me since yesterday... but out of curiosity i checked her face and myspace and she posted "out" 2 hours ago. of course she is out, they don't have access to computers in there...

but she hasn't called me...

all i can do now is wait =)

i hope she is better and that she doesn't need to be in there

[Anon333]

just wondering...All these people who have broken up with their exes, and the dumper still wants to stay friends or stay in contact, I know it makes the healing take longer, but at least you know they still want you in their life...WHat about the ex that breaks up with you and you hear nothing from...Does this mean they just dont care that you ares suddenly out of your life? My ex is with another girl by the way, so maybe this is a good reason...Im not saying it is a bad thing he is not contacting me. It would be disrespectful to me and his new girl...But I cant help to wish he would reach out in some way to show he cared or missed me....When they completely cut contact does this mean they are less likely to come back?

 

I have been no contact for a 30 days today. I went out last night and saw him with his girlfriend. I avoided eye contact with him in anyway and tried to ignore him...Dont know if that is affective in making them want you back either? Ive heard its good to be friendly and act like you dont care, but at this point I just didnt even want to look at him.....ANyway. I was just curious on people's input. I was hanging out with another guy in front of him as well. But Im not really interested in this guy. I just hope maybe it sparked some jealousy? I know for me it is hard for me to get him out of my head again after seeing him.....

[getbiii]

i say NC is meant for you to learn to live with out him and if you want him back, you will be able to out wait his rebound, (which can take a lot of time)

but LC when used properly can boost up the speed of that or even make him dump his girl for you,

 

i would say next time you see him with his girl, go up to him say hi and to her too but do it in a way that shows no feelings for him, kinda like when you are introduced to someone new at a party...

[minou]

Bibenot that note to Agrjag is really harsh. People can love deeply after six months. My husband and I were engaged after six months and had a blissfully happy decade. I don't think anyone can tell another person when to forget someone they love. That is a really personal and not always controllable process. When people are deeply in love, it's impossible to forget, especially after many years of happiness.

AMG12 Cold hard NC is not always the way to go. I don't believe there is a rule that always works. I think you should start a new thread. Let us know why you broke up. You deserve your own thread.

[Sac]

i say NC is meant for you to learn to live with out him and if you want him back, you will be able to out wait his rebound, (which can take a lot of time)

but LC when used properly can boost up the speed of that or even make him dump his girl for you,

 

i would say next time you see him with his girl, go up to him say hi and to her too but do it in a way that shows no feelings for him, kinda like when you are introduced to someone new at a party...

 

good point. thats why lines of communiction facebook msn ect. are sometimes left open i think, my ex has a new bf 3 or 4 weeks after split..just leaving her to it now. ive deactivated my facebook but she still has my msn if she wants to talk but i truly believe she wont talk to me for a good couple of months even if she does then "honeymoon period"

[Agrajag]

When a women says she needs time away in my book it means being dumped !

 

Women also say they need time away when they get overwhelmed. Yes, it's highly likely she's gone for good - but that doesn't mean I don't have a chance or leverage to do something to help.

 

You talk about your history with her...no history exist in only six months !

You didn't even have enough time to know her better. No one falls in love in six months...its attraction !

 

I've known her for 7 years

[bitebenot]

Bibenot that note to Agrjag is really harsh. People can love deeply after six months. My husband and I were engaged after six months and had a blissfully happy decade. I don't think anyone can tell another person when to forget someone they love. That is a really personal and not always controllable process. When people are deeply in love, it's impossible to forget, especially after many years of happiness.

AMG12 Cold hard NC is not always the way to go. I don't believe there is a rule that always works. I think you should start a new thread. Let us know why you broke up. You deserve your own thread.

 

Love deeply after 6 months ? Nope ! Its lust ! Loved you for a decade and left twice and he still away from you ! Impossible to forget ? I think you talk out of desperation. Give him more hope, it will help ! Now he will wait for her for the next year (just like you do). NC-LC is not for getting the ex back but for ourselves and heal as soon as possible ! He can have a new thread but will end up at the same point and with more pain.

You should read the previous posts from Zorba at the beginning and tell me you are better !

[bitebenot]

Women also say they need time away when they get overwhelmed. Yes, it's highly likely she's gone for good - but that doesn't mean I don't have a chance or leverage to do something to help.

 

 

 

I've known her for 7 years

 

I didnt say she wouldnt come back...its always possible. When THEY get overwhelmed ? why they ? It should be " she "

 

Yes you knew her for seven years...then she was only eleven years old.

Does it count ? Being intimate is way different. You can listen to Minou and prolong your pain for an extended period of time. Have hope if you must but dont wait for her. Move on...if she wants you back she will let you know !

You can also communicate with her and see what happens ! But i wouldnt do it.

[bitebenot]

Friendship with an ex is a big NO ! See how you feel now ? NC for a month aint much. You should wait 3 months and see how you feel. Stay away if you want to heal. Never meet him anywhere, even in a party ! You cant interfere with his new relationship, thats what he wants ! Did you forget his bad qualities already ? Take care of yourself for now, its about you being first !

Let him go, let him come to you if thats what his heart desires. Go into the friendzone and meet him in a party and you will suffer longer and probably with nothing in return ! Count the success stories in this thread...you will need less than 5 fingers. Go to NC challenge part 2...same results !

Im not saying he will never come back...but lets be honest a bit.

The last success post i read was from ChisKnows..he got his gf after a NC of 4 months.

[AMG16]

AMG16 Cold hard NC is not always the way to go. I don't believe there is a rule that always works. I think you should start a new thread. Let us know why you broke up. You deserve your own thread.

 

Yes I will start my own thread. Thanks.

[cm17]

What if I'm the dumper? I broke up with my now ex 10 days ago and feel I've made a mistake. At the time of the break-up, which was a surreal moment where we were both kinda shocked, I convinced him he would rather be single. The relationship was by no means perfect and I was feeling as if I was becoming less and less of a priority to him. However I'm now regretting my move, but having talked to him on friday when he came to pick up his stuff and gently probing to see if he might be interested in getting back together he just said he didn't really know how he felt anymore. He wants to be friends and still loves me too. I still feel madly in love with him, I just couldn't handle the feeling that I wasn't as important to him as in the beginning (we were together a year). I really can't help wanting him back, but I this point I'm feeling like the dumpee. Should I make another move to get him back?

[jmr19114425]

cm17..I feel you exactly. If you want more background, check my thread - from Dumper to Dumpee ..It was kinda more drawn out, but I basically did the same thing with my ex...

 

The thing is is that my ex is trying to move on, but then sort of "friendzone" me and she is moving EXTREMELY fast with a new guy, which gives me more confidence that it will not last, b/c we pretty recently broke up...Anyways, initially I called her to tell her that I made a mistake/how I felt/etc., and she told me she still loved me but wanted to be friends. I told her that I could not accept her friendship b/c thats not how I want her in my life. I initiated NC and have been working on myself - working harder/getting in gym even more/etc...and if she realizes down the road and I still feel like we can make a NEW relationship then so be it and if not, then that's okay too -

this is what you need to do. Tell him how you feel and then if that is not how he feels, then go NC and work on healing...If he feels that he wants you too, he will come back.