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Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship


love4life

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Seriously I'm about to get out of NC right now....

 

My ex gf who broke up with me, has a new bf almost since we broke up... so I guess he is a rebound guy.. So I thougt let them be together, my time will come.

 

So I've been in NC with her for a while now.

When we were together I made this beautyfull picture of her when she visited my place, and sended it to her computer. So she placed it on her hyves (somekind of facebook), nothing wrong with that.

 

When we broke up I asked her to remove the picture, because it was a personal thing. She didn't do that, she said that picture was there before we split up.

 

A friend of mine who sometimes is on hyves saw that same picture on her new boyfriends hyve today. So I'm not at all pleased with this... I'm even thinking of sending her a text message to let him remove the picture or we never gonna be friends again.

 

Pffff I'm so angry right now... I really want that picture of his website

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its been exactly a week today that i haven't heard from her =(

i wanna contact her... any ideas on how to do so?

i don't know anything about her at all... seems like she left or they took her computer away from her, she hasn't logged on to facebook, myspace, anything...

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its been exactly a week today that i haven't heard from her =(

i wanna contact her... any ideas on how to do so?

i don't know anything about her at all... seems like she left or they took her computer away from her, she hasn't logged on to facebook, myspace, anything...

 

She has access to a phone....beside aint she gone to Canada for the week ?

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true...

im gonna have to find a way to call her from another phone,

i wouldn't like her parents finding out.

 

she might have gone,

my mom did me a favor, i talked with her about all that had happened.

she called her house twice and no one picked up,

so possibly she did leave.

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Okay so ive just read the first 10 pages (awesome awesome stuff, Zorba is amazing!) and have skipped to the end to ask a question.

 

Im working on myself, I know what to do. Im going to initiate NC/LC on the ex. The thing is all our friends are mutual friends "our group". I will be seeing her probably every, if not , every 2nd weekend. What do I do here? I can keep NC all week but obviously I cant NC when were together at the same place. Is NC but her still seeing me/being around me still going to work? Will it still mean it works in the rebounds favour? I can definitely play it so "us boys are doing our own thing tonight" to avoid being at the same place as her but its not going to work everytime. Do you think that there may be tactics I could use in this given situation e.g. turning up late/leaving early with no real excuse - kinda keep the ex guessing where I am/where am I going/where have I been?

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In my opinion you must do all you can to avoid her even if it means to stay away from friends. You have to desappear really ! Try to reach some friends who are willing to go elsewhere. The less she knows about your free time the better.

 

Another problem exist with friends...they will talk to her and maybe let her know what you're up to ! Its a vicious circle as you can see. You cant allow her to see you every second weeks or receive news from others.

 

She will miss you only if you become a ghost ! And no commucations of any kind. Ignore all meaningless messages. She has a rebound.... NC its your best bet. Im sure you know that there is no garantees. You cant forget yourself here..you are more important. Dont make her the center of the universe. While shes with the novelty ,dont just dont sit still and wait. You're free to do what you want ,so move on ! This can take months before she reacts if sher does. Good luck 2 u.

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Thanks mate. Its inevitable that we will be making contact but making myself scarce and not txting her everyday will still make her miss me. I plan to go overseas for a weekend, get away from my city to another for a weekend in the upcoming month or too. This will get me away from her and keep the NC up!

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"she is falling in love"?

that might be the "rebound feeling" I guess.

 

But one thing is to fall in love and something else is to have a relationship.

Once the "honeymoon stage" fades... then the harsh reality shows up.

 

not writing this to give you hope... but to try to be more objective on what she might be feeling.

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Looks like no matter what the theory, it is best to disappear after the breakup.

 

I can't see why anyone would want to get back with someone who started with someone new. How could you ever be with someone knowing they had been with someone else since they were last with you? You would be miserable.

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Looks like no matter what the theory, it is best to disappear after the breakup.

 

I can't see why anyone would want to get back with someone who started with someone new. How could you ever be with someone knowing they had been with someone else since they were last with you? You would be miserable.

 

You got that right !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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How do I prove to my ex that cheating on him with my "ex-ex" was the worst mistake of my life?

 

Not just to prove it....its also a matter of trust ! He wonders if it will ever happen again. Thats one big order.

 

Keep on talking to him. Talk about the subject deeply. Show how much you love him. (use your imagination)

If it doesnt work suggest a therapist to help you guys, he might accept.

 

Of course it will take time..once the confidence is broken its hard to get it back. He will need space in between. Your relationship has to be rebuilt from the bottom up. Good luck.

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Spent hours last night reading this forum... a real comfort. I have just (5 weeks ago) split with my BF of over 4 years. It has been a rocky relationship in that if we argued he would walk out and stay away for 2-4 weeks then contact me wanting to come back.

This has caused a gradual erosion of my self confidence and self belief. I have also found the need to put barriers around my heart to protect myself from more hurt.

We met after he had had a breakdown (red flag) and living with his sister for a year to recover. We started dating (against my nagging doubts), and within a month he had told me he loved me. Everything was amazing in the first 8 months until he walked out for the first time for no particular reason (i think we had a disagreement). This was the beginning of a pattern. I accepted him back but the trust began to disappear.

In many ways he was lovely.. enthusiastic and kind and fun and we shared a lot in common.

September 2009, my birthday he walked out again over something pathetic. The 3 weeks later called me begging to come back saying he would do anything. I guess I so much wanted to believe him that I gave him another chance.

He came back, but I made him rent a room somewhere else. In my heart I knew it was not the right thing to do. I put his needs (I thought he might have another breakdown and was concerned for his kids) before my own health and well being.

I slipped into depression not knowing how to move forwards. He made a huge effort up until Christmas while I kept boundaries around my heart.

I was waiting to see if he could be trusted!

Mid Feb I went away for a week and he text me within 2 days saying we were not happy and we needed to talk and I agreed to do that when I came back.

When I got back he had already removed all his stuff which ended in me being upset (rejection hard).

Turns out he caught the train the next day to see one of my best friends and started a relationship immediately! She had already been comforting him via facebook... After 4 weeks, he had told her he loved her and they have booked a holiday together and are pretty much living together!

I have not been to work for 3 weeks and have had I guess some kind of breakdown myself. I can't believe the double betrayal and the lies and deceit.

I vacillitate between anger, despair grief and hopelessness. So much of my life was taken up with this man. My son is also very hurt (he is 19) as this woman that my ex has hitched up with also lived with my son's father for about a year and a half. This woman just seems to want to go out with my ex's. Feels very vindictive.

I don't want him back, although I did even up until a couple of weeks ago. I have contacted him and told him what total loser he is (in not so many words) and sadly I have done all the how could you do this and asking for reasons. Of course, he is not interested anymore as he has my ex-best friend (one of them) to comfort him.

I can't believe this has happened. I feel totally devastated and wander around feeling lost and hopeless.

I am horrified at myself for allowing this to happen (I was warned when I first met him not to go out with him).

His ex- the mother of his children told me the other day that he left her in the February (a few years ago) and within 2 months he had got his new girlfriend pregnant. This is a pattern for him. Going from one woman to the next. It frightens me that I could give up so much for someone even losing contact with many of my friends as they didn't feel comfortable around him. I am feeling a bit like a crazy person and can't face going out at all at the moment, even to the shops. I am like a hermit.

I know I am not crazy just feel so very wounded and betrayed. I have contacted him a few times since the split and after reading this forum I will not contact him again. Went into my loft 2 days ago and it is full of his stuff, so I txt him and he said he wants nothing that is there, so I am left to clear up and get rid of his stuff.

Sorry for the long winded monologue.. needed to get this off my chest. I know time will heal, but am not sure about the trust issues that I need to face and the devastation this has caused. How could I have been so stupid... but even worse, I am feeling so much grief along with the other emotions and hate that memories keep coming back into my head of the good things and the love and laughter that we shared.

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Hey people!

I've also been going through this thread for a few days now.

It all seems so logical and true.

Well, Im in a pretty bad situation here. Here goes.

 

I found out that my ex, (we broke up about 3 months ago after a year of beeing together) is getting engaged with her rebound relationship.

I could tell even after she broke up with me that she was attracted to me and we kept contact cos we love eachother. She broke up with me cos I didnt show her my feelings. I was really inlove with her but when I realised am sooo inlove and that I have started actually loving this woman, I got afraid! I was always there for her and she knew that and also saw it. But i failed to show her I was inlove with her. I was afraid cos of 2 past bad relationships. And I also had some family problems cos my mother was very ill so, I kind closed in on myself. I couldnt give her all of me the last 3 -4 months. This girl wanted to marry me but it was all to fast!! It made me scared!

When she broke up with me I still showed her I love her by still doing things for her cos I loved her and she was always grateful for that. And I still do! Even after she got involved with this new guy, she still wanted to meet as friends but she still cuddled next to me and all. Now I found out that she is getting engaged with this new guy. Look at it.. breaking up out of an over a year relationship, getting involved with a new guy like in less than a month after, and deciding to get engaged without even beeing with him 2 months. But how is it possible to do something so fast? She is 30 (im am 30 also) and I understand that she wants to settle down. I have told her that I love her and I want to marry her.. She says its too late now and that she is over me. But we still met and did some art together, she came to my place a few times and always stayed longer, doing fun things, paying guitars and stuff! Like hours!

I really love this girl and i am afraid she is rushing into things!! I want her to be happy! I really do and I couldnt try to convince her not to get engaged.. I just told her I think its just to soon getting engaged with a man she has not even been together with 2 full months. I do want her back though!! Im afraid she will get hurt!!! I went to her place last 2 weeks ago to say happy easter holidays and all. She was going away for easter holidays last the next day. We spent like 10 hours together. I told her everything,i read her all the poems I have written for her but she never knew. I told her I really love and I want her to be the woman to wake up next to me for the rest of my life. She started crying telling me that it seems so strange that im showing her all this now. we spent a wonderful evening together. She says its too late but in her eyes, I can tell its not. we even kissed and made out a bit. She kissed me!! She didnt want me to leave her house. She said with tears in her eyes that she loves me and that anywhere that she would be, if she found out Im not ok she would fly to me for support. But still she says she knows what she is doing. ?????? She knows? Getting engaged with her one and half month relationship? She said she loves me soo much and all! She cried alot though.. She seemed a bit confused even if she stated she is not. We took a little nap on the couch holding her in my arms. I mean.. A beautiful thing.. before i left her place at 5 in the morning she suddenly started saying she is over me and that she is sure about what she is doing. That was after all the kissing the nap on the couch in my arms and all the nice evening. She is giving me mixed signals!! Her words say she is over me but her actions show the complete opposite! She now knows everything.. And I am so in love with her but most of all I love her!!!! Now,she knows.. We spoke on the phone last Thursday and she told me she was going to get engaged in a few days.. Sunday. Just a week after we spent 10 hours together, cuddled next to me on the couch, kissed me and made out. I told asked her if she has really thought about it and if she is sure to get engaged with someone she has been together with for only 2 months and she said yes. So, I wished her all the best and I meant it. She then said im really important for her and all that. That was the last contact we had. I dont know.. Its been soooo hard for me all this time!! My life has changed in such a bad way..Just hurts so bad!!! I havent contacted her since that phonecall last week on Thursday. I dont know if all this NC thing can have effect now. The thing is that during this time 2 months,I have told her a few times things about us and to get beck together again. Not that I have been contacting her every day or sending text messages to her all the time. But as we still did met, I brought things up a few times. But the usual. NO. But since she probably is engaged now, I guess there is nothing more can do. I live on a small island in Greece and you run into people here all the time. So its many times, I see her out. That makes it more difficult! I would like some opinions on this!

 

Thanks to everyone that take the time to read my post!

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Beside NC what else could you do ? NOTHING ! Asking you to marry her in a few month's wasn't wise. Now she's engaged whitin 2 month's ! That's way to quick if you ask me. Maybe she's confused but she has to find out on her own !

 

Just don't worry for her, she's an adullt. Think about yourself for now.

Let her decide what she want's whitout you interfering. You need to desappear and ignore her completely so maybe one day she will miss you.

 

There's nothing you can do really, it's her decision.

Move on and start taking care of yourself. I know it's very hard to stay away from the one we love the most but in a situation like yours you have no choice !

 

Apply the NC rules for yourself, you are more important than her.

Don't answer her email's or anything else that's meaningless. Don't be a back burner. She has to know that you're no longer there to help her in any way.

 

Take the time to heal...as you know, she might never come back !

Be with friend's and meet other women when you think you're ready.

She's happy right now...do the same and don't wait for her !

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Okay I need some advice...

 

My ex gf ended our relationship at the end of january, and within 3 days she had a new guy, introduced by her sister. The first few weeks we had LC, but she made me jealous by saying she went out a lot with that guy and that she even booked a vacation with him, her sis, and some other males.

 

After hearing that I went into NC with her for about a month.. I unblocked her yesterday on msn to see what would happen. And sure enough after a couple of hours she initialized a conversation, she informed how I, and my family were doing. A nice conversation, short though, she said she needed to wash her hair which she painted or something like that. Anyways she ended the conversation with a kissss emoticon, something she didn't do in our earlier conversations after breakup.

 

Where do I go from here? I know that guy is a rebound, and that she probally gonna dump him after the vacation this july.

 

Ofcourse I'm moving on, and going out/working out etc. But I want too keep her as backup, so that if she decides to split up with the new guy and I'm still single she would contact me.

 

So should I go NC again or LC?

I don't need the NC too heal anymore, if I don't show my face in months I won't be the first she would think of if she breaks up her current relationship.

 

Any advice would be appreciated

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What makes you so sure you still have a chance if she dumps her new bf ?

She just might go for another one instead of you !

Her new relationship could last longer then you think.

 

Will you be capable of forgetting what happened before...being dumped for another man ? If you do get her back, will she dump you again shortly after ?

The healing process will be repeated again..can you take it a second time ?

What about trust and honest love ?

 

You are healed...what not move on and get over her for good ?

What she did to you, do you remember ? You want her back ?

Remove her from your msn again and find the women of your dreams

because shes not worth it. C'mon..wake up here ! Shes playing you.

You know its my own opinion...but many would agree with me.

She didnt foooken care about the pain and the sleepless nights you had.

Forget about being on the back burner and wait for her,she doesnt deserve you, thats it !

Fooook it and move on..save your pride....man, thats all you got left !

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I will make this as short as I can...

 

Me and my gf were in LOVE, inseparable. We practice different religions but that never stopped us from getting together. She is 23 and I'm 26 and we were together for 2 years. We took our first distant trips together, did a lot of "firsts" together. She was extremely loyal and caring towards me. She lived in a household where her brother and father didnt care about her, they were abusive. She told me for 2 years we were together that after she graduates she wants to move out of her God forsaken house and live her own life. Her brother and father are horrible. Her mom also made it clear to her that she truly loved her brother and only loved her cause she had to. Her mother and father were practically seperated. They hated each other, but the mom stayed for the sake of the kids.

Her mom got diagnosed with cancer in July 2009. That put all her plans on hold. I was there for her, did everything for her. She was even more attached to me. Whenever she had a free moment from her mom, she would come out to see me. As her condition got worse, our relationship didnt suffer. We shared a spectacular far away New Years and i assured her that i would always be there for her and one day I want to marry her. Fast forward to Feb 2010, she despised her dad and bro even more, because they would abuse her mom verbally (she was very sick and had little like time left) she told me just 2 weeks before her mom passed that she wants me to look at apts for her and the day she passes she wants me to help her get all her stuff out of this house so she can move out..i said of course. We were all i love you this, i love you that....

 

Her mom passed in the beginning of March and the next day SHE WAS COMPLETELY CHANGED. A super 180. She barely spoke to me, barely contacted me. So I thought okay, her mom passed away, she is grieving, understandable. A few weeks later she went out of the country to spread her moms ashes where she wanted. Before she left, it was my birthday and she came out to see me for a few moments. She told me we couldnt be together because her mom wanted someone of the same values and religion. (Neither of us are religious and her mom liked me) I told her that her mom ultimately wanted her to be happy, just like any mom would want for their child. She wasnt having it. We kissed and she pretty much told me to move on. She also said, she doesnt want to lose me as a friend, so while shes out of the country for 2 weeks, i should think about whether i can be friends with her. She said this is anot a goodbye and shes not returning any jewelery or stuff i got her so i shouldnt take it like that. She said when she gets back she wants to take me out for my birthday. I said ok...

 

She calls me from out of the country and we speak for a good 45 minutes, she didnt talk about her feelings she just talked about her environment and what shes upto. At this point, all my friends are telling me she'll come back, she's grieving, she will come around.

 

She then comes back, and its even worse. She still has not spoken to me about how she feels about her mom passing. She doesnt call me anymore, she responds to my simple texts hours/days later. I go okay, shes still grieving. I texted her on Saturday asking if she wants to meet for lunch the next day. She responds 5 hours later "Im sorry, I wont be in NY ". I go okay. She called me a week ago asking me for itunes help because she lost all her texts. I tried to help her but couldnt so i told her i would look into it. I texted her a few hours later with a solution and she said she would try it and get back to me, she never did.

 

This past Monday, i texted her and said "hey i still want to hear about your trip, want to talk about it this week?". She goes "i can't talk to you or see you". I go "did i do something wrong?". She goes its too hard for me. Im like but you wanted to be friends, thats what u asked me before u left. She says I dont know if I can. I told her its worth a shot because i still care for her and want to help her during her tough time. She said if she needs someone, she'll let me know. Then i wrote her a long sappy text. She never responded.

 

HERE IS THE STORY TURNER:

 

That same night, i find out that she is with somebody else. A couple of days after her moms passing, she was proposed to by a family friend and she accepted it. He is the same religion as her and her father accepts him. Mind you, she told me back in November that this guy is stalking her and that if he persists i need to step in. She told this guy she had a bf and he at the time had a gf and he kept stalking her telling her he would leave her for my gf. She was disgusted and never responded to him. But now, her dad apparently told her that this who her mom picked for her (dont think her mom ever said so) and she agreed. So the reason for her not responding to me and not talking to me is because she had someone else now. I was so hurt. It didnt make any sense. That night she texted me "Why do you care about me so much?" hours after my last sappy text. I didnt respond.

 

The next day, i chose not to respond. Then the day after she emails me Jamba Juice coupons (cause i love jamba). I dont respond. An hour after the email she texts me "k guess you're busy". Im like * * * , u tell me u cant be friends with me yet you're sending me all this crap and on top of that u are with someone else.

 

Then I created a long 2 page email (very angry one) telling her that i know shes with someone and shes been using her moms death as an excuse not to talk to me. She made me feel like her grieving is why she didnt speak to me but in reality its because she was with this new person. So i basically tore her up in the email. Well in the beginning i let out my anger, and at the end i made her feel bad telling her i loved u this and i loved u that, how could u do this to me, i was there for u etc etc

 

She called me 30 min later, 3 TIMES straight. I couldnt pick up cause i was in class. Havent spoken to her since. Its been 3 days.

 

I know its long, but guys, please let me know what u think. Whats funny is that even after finding out, she still hasnt removed pictures of me and her on facebook (all profile pics) with comments. And most of her single pics and main pic are pictures of our trip. All the FB gifts and my lovey wall posts are still there.

 

IM SO CONFUSED...the whole world knew how much this girl was/is in love with me.

 

Any idea? Is NC the way to go? Can she come back to me?

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