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Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship


love4life

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Well you did dump him and you want him back after a year. What do you think he went through ? Yes lots of pain ! Do you want him back because he has a new girl friend ? Maybe,i dont know but you do. Now he started a new relationship,should he hurt a women who didnt bruise him ? As a man myself i wouldnt think of dumping a new gf for my ex ! Myself i went through this pain,i have a new girl now,would never dump her for the ex,i mean it ! And i still love the ex,but the scars are deep. It took time for him to move on. He was ready and now you show up like a fly in his soup. You might get him back,but he also could return to his new girl shortly after. You can try NC but theres no garantees for that part but it will help you to get over him and heal. You should think about whats good for him and back off. Its your choice really. Hes been with her for five months now...he might even be attached and in love with her. You are walking on eggs but you still love him i understand that. Try and see what happens,just dont have your hopes to high. For this to work he would have to show strong desires to return to you otherwise he will drop you for the new girl. Then its not finish,the new girl will try to get him back. Your decision and be careful. If you decide to let him go, you have to stop all contacts for yourself and him to live his life the way he wants to. No matter what you decide it will be very arduous.

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You are right. I need to back off for him. I really have no right to be involved, when I am the one who caused him to move on. Not heartbroken that he has somenoen new. Would have been heartbroken, new GF or not. I realize now, I threw away all of my dreams for the future with us. Very painful lesson learned.

 

Lessons to be learned when we don't consider the picture before jumping ship.

 

NC is for me. I need to find a way to heal. Not for him, as he has someone else.

 

But I still have to question - how can you still be on the phone with me, analyzing and upset, if you are so into her? Doesn't mean he wants me back. But does it show any question of his relationship with her? Or am I just dreaming?

 

And thank you so much for replying to my post. I really appreciate it. M

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It was a long term relationship,he will never forget you ! Hey, he might still love you and misses you once in a while. He might change his mind since he knows you want him back. Let him decide.If he wants you back he will let you know,trust me ! The best its for him to reach you first. So this way you will know thats what he really wants. If you chase him in anyway he wont have any desires for you even if he had sex with you on valentines day. His decision now will be based on his feelings towards the new girl and you. Im sure hes thinking about it,but its a hard decision to make. He didnt forget you and wont for a long time. Hes in a mess right now,his brain must be in overtime. Go NC and see what happens,its your best option at this time. I have to mention you have a lot of history with him...only five months with the novelty ! You have an advantage..but it took one year for you to show your feelings for him. Now how far did he move on ..the one million dollar question.

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i know right

 

Yes zorba was the best,but what else could he add here ? Not much more really. Since all of our problems are similar,we still can rely to his posts.

All these theories brings you to this : LC(rarely) or NC (the best) and hope it works. But i sincerly must admit that not to many ex's do come back ! Thats reality ! And keeping hopes alive is only good to drain all of our energy ! Hope at one point becomes toxic. I agree,after a break-up you go NC and you have to move on with the mind set that the ex will NOT come back ! If the ex does come back,well good for you ! Even so,you would still have a lot to do to keep that relationship alive. When the ex went the other way with someone else its a tough cookie to deal with and a second break-up might very well happen ! Guess what ? A second heartbreak ! Many would say that taking an ex back is not a good idea,i tend to agree with this. My ex gf dumped me 3 days after she found a replacement. Do i want her back ? Absolutely not ! NC for me is for healing,i dont expect anything else ! If the ex does return you will have to put her/him on a pedestal to make sure he/she will stick around ! To much time to waste. I prefer another women that will appreciate me for who i am whitout breaking myself in half to keep her happy all the time ! I prefer freshness instead of a left over. Many will tend to agree with me after a while. After 2 months of NC certainty sets in and our decision to give up comes as a logic way to go.

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I am wondering what is in the mind of the dumper when they do the following:

 

1. i notice my ex tries to always say hello. no matter how many times i tell him we cant be friends.

 

2. I have noticed that if he calls and i pick, he tries to quickly (within two minutes) summarize my whole week by asking questions, very fast. like he rehearsed them before calling. Whats the aim? they still want to be in control of our lives?

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I am wondering what is in the mind of the dumper when they do the following:

 

1. i notice my ex tries to always say hello. no matter how many times i tell him we cant be friends.

 

2. I have noticed that if he calls and i pick, he tries to quickly (within two minutes) summarize my whole week by asking questions, very fast. like he rehearsed them before calling. Whats the aim? they still want to be in control of our lives?

 

No,he still loves you and doesnt want to lose you.A man can love two women at once. I did ! You can add guitl...or even hes using you for his own needs.

The best way is to tell him to f**** off ! I know i would and not feeling bad about it. Put him where he deserve to be. Dont let him play with you.

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I understand what you're saying here... And I've been trying my hardest to do NC for ME... But what makes it so hard for me is that during the break, she said she just thought we needed "time apart" and "to date other people," and she said it doesn't mean the end of us forever...

 

I had grown complacent in the months prior, and started taking her for granted without even realizing it... She always said she liked the way our relationship as pretty casual and didn't involve much pressure.. So I guess that made it easy for me to take her for granted... These things coupled with the fact that she had just moved out of her parents house into a new apartment make me wonder if it was just a case of the GRass is greener syndrome... Because throughout the whole breakup she kept saying she was so confused and her mind was telling her that she was doing the right thing... But that she didn't mean that we were over forever...

 

I even wrote her a letter right before the end, telling her that I had been holding in my feelings for a long time because I didn't want to pressure her and risk pushing her away... I told her that I wanted to love her the way she deserved to be loved, instead of the way I thought she wanted to be treated to keep her from pushing away... She wrote back, saying that what I said in my letter was everything she'd ever dreamed of a man telling her, and everything she always wanted to hear from me, but to think that she had actually found that man was freaking her out and she needed some time to process it... So again, I see reasons to be hopeful.. But I know I shouldn't be.. She also says that now that she realizes she can have it, she's no sure if she wants it...

 

So... I'm stuck hopeful that she'll come back... Even though I know that's the last place I should be right now... Ughhh

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Bitebenot, I agree so hard with you!! I'm just past that 2 month mark and I can say I'm thinking more logically. My ex left me for someone else and wants time to pass so we can somehow migrate to being friends. Well f*ck that! Haha. He can go cry a river, build a bridge and get over it. Exes have no right to us especially if the left on bad terms or treated us badly. My ex is so emotional and dramatic. Not to mention irresponsible and needy. He needs to grow up and he's not. Always taking the easy way out while others coddle him and do things for him.

 

Oy! I totally don't want that back. If we ever dis get back together he'd have to be someone completely opposite of how he is now. Like bitebenot said, too much time wasted and too many past issues to work on.

 

I'd rather move on and start fresh, especially now. I know my ex very well to say how I described him is very much true. I also know he's not one to admit when he's wrong and doesn't like being told anything that's against his way of thinking. (Which is funny cuz he's going away for boot camp in the army next month. I don't think he's gonna last there)

 

NC, time, clear mind and determination have brought me to where I am today.

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Makes me mad when an ex says to someone " lets date others,we might get back together again one day " !!!! Thats crap ! The only answer should be go and have fun while im forgetting you for good. Once the ex has sex from another,thats it,its game over for me. When you accept this you become a prisoner from the one who dumped you ! So logically we should go NC and tell them " up your a$$ ! I remember telling my ex that once shes under the covers with another man reconciliation will not be possible. Maybe after 5 months its the reason why she never called me. Wont take her back even if she won the lottery. To me she became a used good.

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Makes me mad when an ex says to someone " lets date others,we might get back together again one day " !!!! Thats crap ! The only answer should be go and have fun while im forgetting you for good. Once the ex has sex from another,thats it,its game over for me. When you accept this you become a prisoner from the one who dumped you ! So logically we should go NC and tell them " up your a$$ ! I remember telling my ex that once shes under the covers with another man reconciliation will not be possible. Maybe after 5 months its the reason why she never called me. Wont take her back even if she won the lottery. To me she became a used good.

 

Oh yah totally. Sleeping with someone else is like whoa... And my ex left me for a chick he just met and slept with her within a week!! And he waS staying at his bros/bros gf and they told him they didn't wanna hear them having sex so my ex and this girl used his car!! He picked me up in his car a week later so we could meet and talk. I was so confused and thought I could be make him come back. Anyways, I found out later that they slept together in his car. But w/e she's getting damaged goods... And my ex and I slept together in the car many times before, and it was cuz we were on road trips and our choice... Not cuz ppl said they didn't wanna hear us having sex cuz they were disgusted with us. what a classy lady she is.

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Im happy to see you that way,i know that pain you endured. Freeken nightmares and hopes that kills slowly. What a torture ! I admit for me it was a living hell..looking at my cell and waiting for the suckkker to ring. What a joke when i think about it today.Man,i was a real wuss,i mean it. I've change so much since those first weeks,im new now. I think of my ex being in bed with another man and so quickly,its turns my stomach over. Thats what i call f*** love alright. At least shes not chasing me for now and hope for her to never think of it because i will be rude. Yes, i say that because the scars are very deep and the hurt was unberable. Im fine now and i hope everyone one will reach that point faster than i did. Im ready for spring and the women are sooo beautiful ! If i ever get dumped again one day i will know what to do,im well equipped now ! I agree with you again,starting fresh is the best way to go. It happens that an ex will regret even after 12 months...wouldnt that be funny to see our ex's here on ENA months later instead of us ? lol.

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Welp I f-d it up again. I gave in took her for ice cream. Now shes back with the rebound. That marks twice she started to come back in 5 months. crying both times and I f-d it up both times. She became all paranoid when I didnt respond to her texts. She now needs needs surgery. And I cave pick her up take her for ice cream. People dont get any dumber than me. I let my heart take over. Ya know. I know what to do. How to act. but when the cards are on the table I cant pull it off. Which is strange cuz I'm good at poker.

 

It only bothered me for 2 days now I dont care anymore. I guess I am pretty much healed. Just disappointed in myself for being a dumby.

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Haha, yeah it would be funny to see them on here. But at that point it would be pain done at their hands. Like you said, if I get dumped again I'll know what to do. It doesn't help that I'm on the other side of the country away from old friends and family. I moved here because my ex asked me to. He wanted to rekindle his relationship with his brother as well as have me tag along. First real selfish act. I should have stood on my own and saw him for what he was. But I was 18 and dumb...

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Welp I f-d it up again. I gave in took her for ice cream. Now shes back with the rebound. That marks twice she started to come back in 5 months. crying both times and I f-d it up both times. She became all paranoid when I didnt respond to her texts. She now needs needs surgery. And I cave pick her up take her for ice cream. People dont get any dumber than me. I let my heart take over. Ya know. I know what to do. How to act. but when the cards are on the table I cant pull it off. Which is strange cuz I'm good at poker.

 

It only bothered me for 2 days now I dont care anymore. I guess I am pretty much healed. Just disappointed in myself for being a dumby.

 

You did what you thought was right. You forgot one important factor,shes cunning ! Move on,dont waste time any more. Shes gone,get over her and get a fresh new women with no fukkken problems to carry around. Go out and enjoy yourself. Soon as you meet another girl your heart will shift to the horny mode,lol. Just repeat this a few times a day," shes not worth it ",thats it ! Think of her in bed with the other * * * * * * * ,that should be enough to run to another direction. If one day she shows a desire to get back make sure she crawls for a minimum of two months or better still let her suffer and reject her.

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I get bitebenot, lol.

 

I've only been hanging around here for a month and it's helped me a lot but you see the same problems over and over... It's brutal honestly he's dishing out now.

 

People should never play games of the heart. So yes forget her, move on. You hear it time and time again on this site but it's usually sugar-coated to help it go down easier.

 

She's playing games with you, dumped. We all deserve our happy ending but this girl sounds like she needs to find out what life is like without you there to coddle her - especially for your sake right now.

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lol bite u r full of hatred. just let her b, she ain't worth all the trouble,stress, n sadness.. jus enjoy urself like bite said.

 

Hey dude,its not hatred,its reality ! Give more hope to someone so they can suffer longer ? Moving on and forgetting the ex becomes a life saver. When so much efforts has been given and with no results, its time to realize that the game is over and lost ! She went back to her novelty twice,what else does someone need to start to see that nothing more can be done any more ? Give your blood to the Red Cross,at least there it will become useful.

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Yeah. I actually appreciate the brutal honesty. I for one dont want any sugar coating.

 

But here lies my dilema, I am attached to this girl by a house that we both own together. So I do still have to speak or message her once a month.

 

I am just thinking about emailing her telling her that we need to maintain separate lives and she cannot be coming around asking how I am doing and trying to be my friend when it is convienient for her. I am goingto ask her to keep our conversations to strictly business and nothing more.

 

Any thoughts on that?

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Here it went....

 

It was my intent to talk to you about this on Sunday night but the opportunity just did not arise. I just don't want you to get the wrong impression about taking you out for ice cream. When you came up the house you seemed very distraught and down. I am not sure what had happened during "your bad week". Because I was not sure what happened with you I did not want to add to your already "bad week" with making you feel worse. But the fact of the matter is I just cannot continue any type of relationship with you at this point. It just seems like you want me to be there when you want me on your terms and that's not fair to me. And by the way you ended things it really showed me a lot about your character. I saw some things in you that I did not know were there. Things that were, well, quite disturbing.

 

I know you get all concerned when I don't respond to your texts, but please understand that because of the things that took place and I have still yet to hear any type of remorse or apology from you. I cannot be your friend. I told you this a while back. When you ended our relationship you also ended our friendship. I don't go backwards. And I appreciate you asking about me and the dog and all. But you made the decision to leave us and all that comes with that. That includes not being in our lives anymore. And its not that I don't care. Its just I cannot continue to be part of your life when you chose to leave. Now you are with someone else (even though you say you are not) and I choose not to be a part of that.

 

And please don't take this the wrong way. I don't hate you. If the situation were to ever arise in the future and we were both single I am not saying all hope is lost for a relationship or friendship. It's just no matter what is to come of things, you would have to make a lot of changes to get "us" back in any aspect. I realize I would too. I fought for us for a good amount of time. I've moved on. If you ever want to discuss anything I am always willing to listen. But moving forward, I think it would be best to keep our correspondences to strictly business about the house. I hope you understand.

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That sounds really mature, dumped.

 

If she does respond I would ignore it. The way I see it she'll respond one of two ways (if she does reply). She'll say she understands and agrees, or she'll try to bargain/feed you bread crumbs of hope. Either way nothing good will come of answering. Good on ya for laying it on her. If she doesn't get the point she's just playing dumb. My ex wrote back and I can say nothing good came of me answering. In fact my ex totally missed my point (like yours, that it's all or nothing basically, no friendship) and he actually thanked me for getting back to him!

 

People can be so frustratingly selfish sometimes....

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lol. I got that once before. And I would have smashed a morning star in her face had I not loved her so much.

 

Trust me,in 2 to 3 months you will. Sorry,couldnt help it,i had to make that comment. By the way your ex told you she left because she was out of love..or was it ? Love and attraction keeps couples together. She left quickly with another man,she didnt fall in love with the new dude. IT was ATTRACTION ! Yes,lust ! Dont want to burst your buble but if the novelty is better than you in that field she will never come back. He must be the bad boy in some ways. Since you are mr nice guy,that didnt stick to her. Sometimes with women you have to be wild if you know what i mean. I think i should shut my mouth while i still can.

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