My boyfriend threw me across the room...was it my fault?

[Meow18]

I have hit a man when he was holding me and wouldnt let me go. I dont feel bad about it AT ALL. (granted, I was much smaller than him, but the point is similar)

 

 

I don't think you should feel bad about your situation. If someone much bigger than you is trapping you, then you have to do something to make that person let go.

 

I agree that it was a serious situation and he needed to do something to get away.

 

I doubt that he is much smaller than her though. I bet he could have pushed her off without throwing her accross the room hard enough as to where she started bleeding.

 

He could have easily killed her.

 

So really, I don't think that your situations are comparable.

[sophie274]

This is what I was talking about. He doesn't sound like the most comforting, nurturing, respectful guy to me.

 

Either way, this relationship is really unhealthy - she is desperate, begging for forgiveness all the time, doing anything to keep him around while (IMO) he disrespects her - his family doesn't treat her with respect.

[Meow18]

Ok, did I miss a post or something? (if I did, then cool)

but what did he do so wrong with his ex?

he talked to her... and?

he DID reassure the OP that he wasnt into her... I really dont see what the problem is.

 

I would not believe that he wasn't into his ex if he talked about their past sex lives and how great of a person she is. I understand that you talk highly of your friends, but if you praise an ex more than your current girlfriend, that's a problem in my opinion.

[EvaGina]

EDIT: Oh, I DID miss that post about the ex... thats totally crass!! Point taken

I don't think you should feel bad about your situation. If someone much bigger than you is trapping you, then you have to do something to make that person let go.

 

I agree that it was a serious situation and he needed to do something to get away.

 

I doubt that he is much smaller than her though. I bet he could have pushed her off without throwing her accross the room hard enough as to where she started bleeding.

 

He could have easily killed her.

 

So really, I don't think that your situations are comparable.

 

They are really. I think mine was worse, seeing as I punched him in the face, and uppercut to the jaw, and I definitely know how to fight.

 

I am not condoning the amount of force used, but prying her off wouldnt have put enough space in between them to give him time to get away.

he SHOULD have thrown her onto the bed, if he had to do something.

 

I am also wary of everyone assuming he hurt her on purpose, play figthing goes wrong all the time, I have been SERIOUSLY hurt while just horsing around... when you are that stressed and desperate to get out, it is likely he really didnt mean to cause her harm... although the raising his fist at her kind of debates that point.

 

I can understand tho, although I DO NOT agree with it. I bet he raised his fist at her with no real intention of harming her, but to warn her to leave him alone, seeing as she was paying no attention to his emotional distress.

 

(of course i could be totally wrong, he might be a reall ass... but just assuming so after hearing one side of the story isnt really kosher.)

[JadedStar]

I don't think you should feel bad about your situation. If someone much bigger than you is trapping you, then you have to do something to make that person let go.

 

I agree that it was a serious situation and he needed to do something to get away.

 

I doubt that he is much smaller than her though. I bet he could have pushed her off without throwing her accross the room hard enough as to where she started bleeding.

 

He could have easily killed her.

 

So really, I don't think that your situations are comparable.

 

 

Yes he could have easily killed her. But he didn't. He balled his fist, then I am assuming he gathered himself, realized the horrific situation he was embarking on, and left. If he were totally irrational he would not have walked out. She apparently invokes an anger in him that he doesn't even like to see himself so he left. I suggest she let him stay completely gone and not let him back. She is playing with fire. We do not know this man's background. He could have a history of an emotionally bad upbringing or all sorts of things. It is best she stop while ahead. I am glad she is going to do no contact but i honestly get the feel that is only to make him miss her.

 

Co dependent relationships almost always get like this. They usually consist of one party who is very needy and clingy while the other is a bit more aggressive and needs to be left alone more. The pushing and shoving almost always happens when you don't get out of these situations soon enough. We can sit here all day long and say it was her fault or it was his fault but the point is, this is a DYSFUNCTIONAL relationship and they have both probably been feeding off of each other for a long time.

[De Tourvel]

Hello, everyone again. Still crying still....and very hurt.

 

I read all the post, so I would like to clarify somethings. I have no problems back them about him talking to his ex-girlfriend, but the thing that bothers me the most is everytime he talks about his past with her....he would start crying. He would cry about how he would try to win her back. Especially when we both became boyfriend and girlfriend, I asked him "What were you thinking when you became my boyfirned?" and he responded by saying "Am i really ready for another relationship? Am I really over my ex? Do I even love this girl (ME)?" I don't know if I was a rebound or anything, but him saying that he loves me that I'm the only one was alright.

 

Especially as three eating out, I felt like a third wheel. I saw how happy he was with her, and he was laughing and asking how she is.....what bothers me about her is everytime she has a problem about the men in her life she would call him for help...like comfort talk. Once her ex-bf left her in the mall (completely stranded) and she needed a ride. I'm completely confused by why did she call him (andrew, not his real name...my boyfirned) first? Why does she always go to him for help? How could andrew help this person after she treated him dirt and left him in a state of depression. Like I don't understand my boyfriend. He could forgive his ex-gf for cheating him twice, but he couldn't forgive his friend for smoking marijuana. I brought this up to him, then he said I forgive my friend for smoking marijuana, but I'm not talking to him. Then I said, but you talk to her because she cheated. Then he said leave me alone. She will always be part of my life and she's my best friend. My heart was crushed...so I asked "What am I then? Isn't gf a close friend too?" after that he told me to get over it.

 

I have already said I accept my injuries when he threw against the wall and bleeding from it. Some of you just won't stop bringing that up. I wished you all could see what I went through with him, but you didn't. Yes, he stopped talking to her to make it work out for me, but it wasn't enough he was reluctant to let her go. I never believed he wanted to let her go becaseu he cared so much about her still. The damaged was already done about him talking about their sex and so on. I'm an impulsive person when I get angry, so bottle it in until I had a enough and let it go. I explode....I really don't want to explode, but I would talk to him about the problems like open it up, but he said no that I need to accept his ex-gf as part of his life and will always will be no matter what that she is very valuable to him. (I guess I'm not valuable).

 

I lowered my pride for this man to the point where I have to kneel on the floor and begging him to forgive me for not giving him affection for the reasons that I am working and going to school. Everytime his angry at me I would drive 30 minutes to his house to fixed everything. One time when I came over to his house to ask for forgiveness because I was angry that he was having dinner and movie with his ex-gf. I cried when he told that and i told him your doing this to spite on me to be cruel to hurt me He knew it would hurt me and he said "I don't care about you and I'm doing this to see her and I want to see her!!!" I started crying. I came over to his house that night to ask forgiveness and I kneeled with my two hands together like praying. Begging to an emperor. He pushed me away hard as always and I landed on the concrete floor hitting my head hard on it. (I ended up witha big bruise on my head) It was my fault too, because he said to leave, but I wouldn't because I wanted to make things better by fixing it. I didn't give him his space again. This is constant routine for us and for me.

 

I guess Eva is right. People deserve to get hit and be bruised up if they dont' give the person their space. I deserved my bruises, being bleeded, and being humiliated. Lesson learned. So everyone what i learned from this advice is give the person space...if you don't you deserved to be beaten up like me. IT's NORMAL....

[wandy27]

there is no excuse for this....you need to get out it b4 it get worst

[sophie274]

 

I guess Eva is right. People deserve to get hit and be bruised up if they dont' give the person their space. I deserved my bruises, being bleeded, and being humiliated. Lesson learned. So everyone what i learned from this advice is give the person space...if you don't you deserved to be beaten up like me. IT's NORMAL....

 

NO.

 

You did not deserve these bruises. I am shocked to hear he has done this before - hitting you on the head.

 

I asked before: what is your game plan? How are you going to get out of this relationship?

[DN]

I guess Eva is right. People deserve to get hit and be bruised up if they dont' give the person their space. I deserved my bruises, being bleeded, and being humiliated.

I don't think that is what EvaGina meant at all. But you don't deserve to get hit or beaten up. And you would be wise to leave this man before he really hurts you. The relationship is not balanced nor is it healthy - for either of you.

[EvaGina]

Whoa, sweetheart, I am NOT saying you deserve bruises... at all!!!

I do NOT think what he did was right, and most of all I do not think that you are a bad person.

 

The realtionship was toxic... a lot of people have been in that situation, and done what you did. I KNOW its humiliating... he shouldnt have started dating you when he is still in love with his ex, and you should have walked when you realised that. But we all make mistakes, and NONE of this is anything to feel ashamed of if you learn from it.

 

I did worse, believe me... and with a worse man. But now I am the happiest person alive with the most amazing partner in existence, becuase I learnt from my ex's.

 

after a while you learn that passion isnt always a good thing, that REAL love comes from a deep, still, calm understanding, it isnt violent and soul-consuming, its comforting and safe, but still exciting...

 

-hug-

[Meow18]

I guess Eva is right. People deserve to get hit and be bruised up if they dont' give the person their space. I deserved my bruises, being bleeded, and being humiliated. Lesson learned. So everyone what i learned from this advice is give the person space...if you don't you deserved to be beaten up like me. IT's NORMAL....

 

I could be wrong, but I don't think that's quite the point Eva was trying to make.

 

You didn't deserve to get hurt. You aren't that bad of a person. No matter what was going through his mind, you did not deserve to be thrown against a wall.

 

 

But that situation aside, the relationship was not meant to last. He is still attached to his ex and it has caused you to be insecure. That's not a healthy relationship.

[JadedStar]

Especially as three eating out, I felt like a third wheel. I saw how happy he was with her, and he was laughing and asking how she is.....what bothers me about her is everytime she has a problem about the men in her life she would call him for help...like comfort talk.

 

YOu went out to dinner WITH her? Okay, I don't want to be too harsh but he is definitely not over her. You need to REALLY let him go on many levels.

 

Why does she always go to him for help? How could andrew help this person after she treated him dirt and left him in a state of depression. Like I don't understand my boyfriend. He could forgive his ex-gf for cheating him twice, but he couldn't forgive his friend for smoking marijuana. I brought this up to him, then he said I forgive my friend for smoking marijuana, but I'm not talking to him. Then I said, but you talk to her because she cheated. Then he said leave me alone. She will always be part of my life and she's my best friend. My heart was crushed...so I asked "What am I then? Isn't gf a close friend too?" after that he told me to get over it.

.

 

 

If he sees her as his best friend, an ex, then again, do you need more proof that he is not in love with you? I feel at this point being very direct and honest might be the thing you need the most. Maybe knowing this will help you move on. He does not sound in love with you. At all.

 

guess Eva is right. People deserve to get hit and be bruised up if they dont' give the person their space. I deserved my bruises, being bleeded, and being humiliated. Lesson learned. So everyone what i learned from this advice is give the person space...if you don't you deserved to be beaten up like me. IT's NORMAL....

 

You are doing with Eva what you were doing with me. YOu are projecting your fears and hurts onto the posters here. That is getting you nowhere. That is not what Eva meant. I think it was very clear what her posts meant. I suggest once you have stopped crying and have a clear head you re-read all of these posts. There is a ton of good information here, but for so long as you are in this type of mental state you will hear only what you want to hear.

 

I am going to say this straight up and at the risk of being badgered for my thoughts. I think you are trying to cry your way into this man's heart despite the clear signs that he is not "into you". You have made the mistake many women make. I think this is a good oppty for you to realize that tears, hurt feelings and sobbing does not make people like us more. I guess a few of us here have been thru this a lot and we know what goes down in tihs sort of scenario. You even are doing the tears thing with the people posting to you. You seem to be trying to control the reactions of the posters by the pity trip in blaming a few posters for what their responses were, yet you are not reading it objectively at all.

 

You cannot cry your way into a man's heart. take this from someone who knows. Until you are strong and feel you are confident, it won't happen. I am going to try to give you the most real, honest advice that I can to help you. And that is stop trying to cry your way into his heart.

 

And please, stop twisting the words of the posters here. It is really making me feel like this is what you have done in this relationship to try to control his feelings. NO ONE here said you deserved to be bruised. Again I suggest you read this thread once you have dried the tears. Strength will do you a lot of good.

[millaj]

He has issues and you should move on.. I know it is going to be hard for you.. you love him a lot, but from reading your posts it seems as if he wants her back and is just keeping you around in the meantime.

 

Abusive relationships start out with the partner controlling you, then making you feel like crap for every little thing, then verbally abusing, then physically abusing. Let him go.. he is not good for you. You don't need to be sticking up for him or making excuses as to why he did it. You bled and he didn't even care enough to stop and say "oh my gosh honey, I am so sorry let me clean that up for you, it was an accident".. if he was serious about you and cared about you that much, he would have saw you laying there and wanted to help.. not running up on you with his fist clenched.

 

I hope you are able to be strong and love yourself through this.. whatever you do, don't take him back cuz once a person starts abusing they are always an abuser.

[Dako]

You have a serious lack of self-esteem that leaves you prey to abuse.

If you have health care coverage, you should make an appointment tomorrow to see a therapist.

I don't think you will, since you've grown accustomed to being mistreated, as many women do.

 

It's your life.

[De Tourvel]

my game plan?

 

My game plan is pretty much continue with education and get my bachelors. Pretty much drown myself from studying and to be completely focused again. I tried to make him go back to school, but he said college is the long way (

 

I'm going to continue with my life and transfer in a university. I have been accepted already. Probably this june I'm going to follow jaded stars advice about taking a few days of vacation to just finally give myself some quality time to myself. (Finally). Also, I'm going to take care of myself, like give myself some higlights in my hair, manicure and predicure, because when I was with him I stopped doing all this because he said I don't need it because I'm beatiful. I need to clean myself up and start taking care of my looks, and personality. (Improve my personality).

 

I apoligized for jaded star and eva for completely taking their advice wrong. It's just I was cryng and emotional...making subjective decisions again. I'm sorry. I'm just so....hurt, like the truth hurts. especially knwoing he doesn't love me anymore (he never did). I refused to see it. I just don't want to believe that he is still not over her. He would say that I'm better than her in bed and I'm a good cook, house cleaner, and giving him massages. I thought I was the one....his only one. Until being compared. I come to accept that you guys are right this has beena very dysfunctional relationship. We would usually argue about his ex-gf and college, principles, and others. We are both opposite and I wanted to teach him to great. JAded star and eve did nothing wrong but presents with facts that I dont' want to see (refused to see). I just couldn't accept it. I deserve better. All I can do now is improve myself, learn, and move on.

[melrich]

Sounds like you are on the right track. Remember that there are always people here for you if you feel yourself needing support along the way.

[De Tourvel]

probably i could stop crying in front of men or just literally stop crying. I guess tears doesn't really help like my father said. It doesn't solve anything. Cry only if you experienece physical pain, but emotional pain then the tears should be hidden. I love andrew so much and I still love him. His my only beebee and will always will be. I'm crying again because beebee was his nickname i gave him and he liked it. We used to be so happy and goofy and laughing. I wanted it to workout.

 

I guess I brought the worse in him because he never wanted to be this monster he used to be. I made his monster come back to life in front of me. I'm sorry andrew (not his real name). I loved you so... much, but its just I don't agree with your principles and the path that you are taking. You ex-gf will always be part of your life. I hope your next relatioship can handle that.

 

lol, his not even here reading this...but I wish someday I can tell him...or it is best left unspoken and just say see ya around.

[JadedStar]

. I'm sorry. I'm just so....hurt, like the truth hurts.

 

Trust me, I do know the truth hurts sometimes in life. A great deal. But it is the only thing that gets us to the next level. I cannot kid you there.

 

You are on the right path it sounds. Tears should not be hidden, but they also should not be used to try to make people feel a certain way. You will eventually figure out the right combination.

[sophie274]

my game plan?

 

My game plan is pretty much continue with education and get my bachelors. Pretty much drown myself from studying and to be completely focused again. I tried to make him go back to school, but he said college is the long way (

 

I'm going to continue with my life and transfer in a university. I have been accepted already. Probably this june I'm going to follow jaded stars advice about taking a few days of vacation to just finally give myself some quality time to myself. (Finally). Also, I'm going to take care of myself, like give myself some higlights in my hair, manicure and predicure, because when I was with him I stopped doing all this because he said I don't need it because I'm beatiful. I need to clean myself up and start taking care of my looks, and personality. (Improve my personality).

 

 

 

Good for you! Sounds like a plan. IMO, you don't need to apologize for anything: you made the right decision, and that's what counts.

 

Post here if you have any trouble in the future!

[EvaGina]

Your plan to go to school is a good one, imo... something productive that you can immerse yourself in.

probably i could stop crying in front of men or just literally stop crying. I guess tears doesn't really help like my father said. It doesn't solve anything. Cry only if you experienece physical pain, but emotional pain then the tears should be hidden. I love andrew so much and I still love him. His my only beebee and will always will be. I'm crying again because beebee was his nickname i gave him and he liked it. We used to be so happy and goofy and laughing. I wanted it to workout.

 

I really dont think that becoming withdrawn is the way at all. Crying is fine!! You need to grieve in your own way.

Pulling backwards into yourself will NOT help you, not in the long run. I did that for years and it only led to a hollow existence. The best thing you can do is HEALTHILY get over this, then throw yourself in, no point in living in fear.

 

Crying to get what you want, however, is not healthy.

 

I know what you mean about wanting it to work out becuase it was so fun in the beginning. I know how you get scared you will lose that "goofy"-ness, lose that fun, so you hold on tighter, which in the end kills it all anyway.

 

giving your SO some time, some freedom, will let them appreciate you and they will come to you on their own. Trying to force things out of them never works.

 

I know your hurting button, but I pomise it will get better ---hug---

[De Tourvel]

thank you again everyone for dealing with me for a day, but as the hours, minutes, and seconds pass by today, I'm feeling alright now. I'm beginning to accept that this realtionship is over and time to move on. I cannot dwell anymore because if I get back with him that means more tears, more of dealing with her....and heart ache. His better off with someone else. Someone who can deal with his ex-gf existent or he might even be with her again and she can deal his negative qualities and he can deal with her disloyalties. I ca do much better than him. Atleast he didn't get me pregnant. I still have a chance to fix my future.

 

Seriously, I don't know about this, but I was in the bathroom for atleast an hour crying and sitting in the corner and whispering his name, then I saw my make-up bag...so....I got up and wiped my tears and tried to make myself pretty again, like to just gain some self-esteem (appearance)...trying on some pretty clothes and hair curler and waxing my legs, bikini lines, and yeah waxing...... I feel pretty hot, then I started listening to the song "I will survive," and I started dancing...and some kelly clarkson songs and this link removed forums.....helped me a little bit to finally accept it and gain my confidence back a little bit.

 

Andrew (not his real name) has always said I'm the hottest gf he has ever have. He always said his wondering why I'm with him (even my parents were wondering), but love is blind...its not about the looks...its about personality. I fell in loved with his intelligence. (I just didn't noticed the lingering about ex-gf). I wish him happiness and I forgive him for throwing me accross the room and pushing me and causing me a lot of bruises, because his not a bad guy....his just frustrated at the fact we couldn't agree with anything. I wouldn't accept his principles and accept his ex. I'm done with you andrew. You lost a wonderful person who truly loved you a lot. I wish you could read this now, but good-bye.

 

I think tomorrow will be a new day. Probably a few more tears, but not alot like today, but I need to make myself very busy to make myself to completely forget about him. If a friendship will exist in this relationship, then I would welcome it, but as the relationship thing again...um.....no....no more. Yeah, i do have a few scars from the relationship, but it will heal. I won't call him at all anymore, but instead I'll let him call me when his ready to talk. Probably that would take 3 months of space...I dunno...but I need to concentrate with my future.

 

I wish I could hug you all right now...but I can't...it's just a computer screen so...here's my cyber hug \\

 

THANK YOU!!!!!

[EvaGina]

Seriously, I don't know about this, but I was in the bathroom for atleast an hour crying and sitting in the corner and whispering his name, then I saw my make-up bag...so....I got up and wiped my tears and tried to make myself pretty again, like to just gain some self-esteem (appearance)...trying on some pretty clothes and hair curler and waxing my legs, bikini lines, and yeah waxing...... I feel pretty hot, then I started listening to the song "I will survive," and I started dancing...and some kelly clarkson songs and this link removed forums.....helped me a little bit to finally accept it and gain my confidence back a little bit.

 

 

yup, that kind of thing is good for you.

Dont decide that you must be too good for him becuase you are good looking... its not the kind of additude that will get you very far in relationships.

Just put it down to incompatibility and move on, but learn from it

 

---hug---

 

chin up button

[Spugly Fuglet]

From the look of this guy he's going to be years getting over his X and in truth, Shes hanging round feeding his need, its a power thing, she over him, him over you. thay can not walk away from there need but you can, getting away to univercity sound like a grate idear, he won't go to collage or do any thing that takes him away from working out how get her back, I have a deep feeling you there to fill his need for sex but also make him seem safe to her, so they can hang out, "is I have a gf I'm over you" she knows he's not but that feeds her as now she has power over him and you, gosh her ego.

 

and then theres you, the more his cold the more you need, so you do more and more degrading suff just to mach her power over him, every emotionl triger going and they have all faild, shes won.

 

I have a feeling that under all this subconshesly is your need to beat her, to gain some winning respect by pulling the prize "him" from her grasp,

 

I have a feeling if this guy did sudenly stop likeing her and started acting towards you like he has her you would go right off him. he would seem creapy, to needy to wonting, he would stifel you, ask your self this why did his X dump his ass ?

 

You don't need this boy and he is a boy, cuz a man world not do as he has done, to make who you are, what's done is done but you can take it all back by dumping this child going to NC and getting on with what looks to be a grate life. You have larnt things now if inwas you I would move on, and let him and her, moon after and cheat there harts out you have got bigger and better things to do.

 

remember this is about respect, he's lack of it for you and himself, and you getting rid of him so you can get yours back.

 

if his x had any she would tell him not to see her any more as it upsets you, bin the pear off them and get that self respect back, yiu will see when you in that 6 bedroom house with a grate family and job, they will still be on mums couch looking at the tv.

 

we'll that's my take

 

don't let the world happon to you, you happon to the world!

[JadedStar]

I honestly, after reading the dialogue about him and the ex, do NOT think he flaunts her really. She said out of her own words he tells her she is his hottest g/f, that she is tons better looking than the ex. That there is nothing to worry about. Everything about the OP sounds so irrationally jealous that I actually think this thing about him talking about the sex and throwing it in her face was probably a harmless conversation that he probably realized later he should not have had.

 

I just think we are judging this man without knowing HIS side of the story. If he is a decent guy later on when his anger cooled he felt as bad about the shoving incident as she did. We really don't know. We don't know how many buttons this girl has pushed for him wtih jealousies and perhaps this was his breaking point. I am NOT condoing his actions with the shoving incident, i am simply saying that I have lived in the REAL world and I know that we sometimes do things we regret, and without knowing the whole story I think it is wrong to judge.

 

All I am saying is it is easy to judge when 1) you have never lived this situation (and I have) and 2) when we don't know his side of the story. I get the feeling that the OP is extremely needy and clingy and has irrational fears and jealousies and that is one thing that will send a man over the edge quicker than anything. Men cannot stand to be chained, or most of them at least.

 

To the OP it is good to hear you are doing things for YOUR self esteem. Please do not in the future make a man responsible for your happiness. It never works out. It will always in the end make you even more miserable.

I strongly suggest you not be in a relationship a GOOD LONG while and repair yourself.

 

You and he were dysfunctional and i do believe you pushed each others buttons and fed each other in a negative way and I doubt it is either one of you 100% at fault. If you learn something from this, then the realtionship did do something beneficial in your life. If you don't learn from it, trust me when i say every relationship you have from now on will likely be similar.

 

Best of luck.

[TheFoglifter]

It (this incident) was definitely your fault, and if there hadn't been a physical component to this conflict, most people would be telling you to apologize.

 

But... just like in a cheating story, many people throw up their arms and cry "unacceptable" without ever considering the behavior that brought about the incident.

 

Take it from someone who has done the same thing you did (blocked the way, and knelt for forgiveness). It just doesn't have the effect you want it to have. All it does is irritate the person further and make them want to leave more. It has the added "bonus" of making them respect you less, because you are on your knees subordinating yourself and begging.

 

Furthermore, conflict over the ex, especially when insecurity is concerned, is a VERY frustrating issue. It sounds like he is just tired of reassuring you, and now you have brought about that which you attempted to avoid.

 

The physical part of the confrontation was just another thing wrong with the relationship. You seriously had no right to delete the ex's number behind his back.

 

I am going to surmise that the reason you didn't like your mom's "blunt" comforting was because she was dead on accurate in what she said.