My boyfriend threw me across the room...was it my fault?

[Echo]

Eva, I am not just talking about the physical part..I mean everything leading up to that. The continuing to see his ex, treating her like dirt basically.Of course though........it is human nature to walk all over someone who (literally) lies down in front of us and lets us do it.This is why the OP NEEDS to get AWAY from him and learn to love herself first!!!

[De Tourvel]

thank you everyone for the post and for the help. I appreciate everything and thank you so...much. Me and andrew (not his real name) weren't like this before. I learned a lot. In a relationship, two people must be able to grow not to stay the same. Either change for the better or worse. I was growing and he didn't like it that the fact that I'm not all giddy and energetic as I used to be. I was stress from school and work...anxiety can prevent me from doing that. I just want to grow up and act like 22 year old woman not 15 or 16. His a little mature (plays with pokemon)...but I now realized that me and andrew have a different path and principles. I loved him with all my heart. I did told him that in relatioship I am very committed and would never break up with him (he said the same). He broke up with me so many times that I am beggining to think his the type who gives up to easliy. Opposite attracts but doesn't end well....their better as friends...I don't know if a friendship will exist, but all i know is I am not going to call him. Absolutely no contact to help myself heal and for him to heal too. HIs ex-gf did gave me an advice once and that is "dont' call him....no contact at all, make him miss you." I'm begiining to think she went through the same and his been giving me some pieces of the story.

 

 

thank you again everyone for the advice and help. this will be a new beginning for my healing and probably his.

[Orlander]

There's never, ever, ever an excuse for violence. Ever!! De Torvel, you need to never contact him again and consider getting some help, including looking into codependency meetings. I used to go to a group to better understand my codependent mother and it really, really helped me.

 

Orlander

[JadedStar]

I have to believe that if he were truly a very very violent man, he would not have unclinched the fist and let loose on either her or a wall. I also do not believe that it would have taken this long to have pushed her out of the way. I believe he would have done it long ago.

 

I truly do believe that this is a case of two people who are not right for each other and they have lived in this co dependent existence for so long that it is turning into bitterness, anger and a violent situation occurred.

 

I do not think any person who has ever stayed in an emotinally draining and co dependent relationship for a very long time can honestly say that an emotional struggle and battle such as the one we heard about here did not occur. I in no way shape or form condone what he did, but i do understand how enormous anger releases endorphines, and when you are that angry and trying to leave and perhaps already caught up in the resentmetn of a relationship gone bad, these things happen. It is now up to her to get out of this situation so that the raw emotions do not get even worse and the next go round end up with a trip to the emergency room. Once a relationship gets to this level of volatility, it is time to let it go. Completely.

[EvaGina]

He is allowed to see his ex...

Im not saying he is right, at all, I am saying they should both shoulder the blame. She sounds SO MUCH like me a few years ago, after an abusive relationship, but it sounds like he got ultra-defensive and stubborn beucase she was overly clingy and needy...

[JadedStar]

HIs ex-gf did gave me an advice once and that is "dont' call him....no contact at all, make him miss you." I'm begiining to think she went through the same and his been giving me some pieces of the story.

 

I truly hope you do not do the no contact in hopes he will miss you. Please do not do it for that reason. Please do it and stick to it so you can remove him from your life.

[musicguy]

You need to just let go of him completely...gone! No contact forever. You need to heal from all of this abuse, regain your strength and your self-esteem and when the time comes, whenever that may be, be with someone who you really deserve to be with

[Echo]

I agree with JS.

 

Doing NC in this situation should only be done to permanently close this door. NC does NOT change another person.

[De Tourvel]

no need to bash on me eva. I did say it was my fault for not giving him his space. But you don't undertsand the humiliation that he has caused me. Jaded star maybe right...maybe its two people who doesn't belong to each other. I learned a lot from this relationship. I was too clingy because I dislike being abandoned. I despise the feeling of abandonment. What I love about him the most was he was the only one who would see me in my family. His always their until my co dependecy got worse. It was too much for him to handle. Their are times it would be his fault for whining like child for not getting his affection and cleaning up his mess and their are times it would be my fault for the reasons of crying too much. I was hysterical that night I guess. I just don't want him to go. I wanted him to stay and get over it and to move on. I deleted the ex-gf's number in furtstration and jealousy of her. He always said she's fat no and that Im prettier thatn her, but I have a competetion for his affection and praise. I just couldn't get over the sex stories he told me and stuff. I just felt like I'm not good enough.

[De Tourvel]

thanks pinkelephant. I like my sn too. It's from character names from the book called "Dangeroues Liason."

[JadedStar]

I learned a lot from this relationship. I was too clingy because I dislike being abandoned. I despise the feeling of abandonment.

 

I was this same way at your age. It destroyed a relationship for me because I was making my b/f responsible for my irrational fears. I smothered him. I got into therapy and realized my fears of abandonment went way back into my childhood. When i was under 11 years of age my mother and father had a tremendously tumultuous copendent relationship. It seemed at least once a month she was dragging me and what few belongings i could grab in an emotional filled half hour and leave, or either he would leave us. The rocky rollercoaster of this occurring for the first decade of my life left a blueprint on me that I didn't realize until i was older. I pretty much set out to destroy every relationship I had because i would get panic and anxiety attacks if they ever wanted to go somewhere wtihout me. I have been in situations JUST like you describe before, with men who were not really violent men. It is a mixture of the anger and enorphines and holding a man back who is trying to leave, and you will get pushed away if you don't let go. I was trying to give you real world advice based on my own as I have lived this before. All i can say is get therapy and get to the root of this fear of abandonment that you have. No man on earth can fix this for you, nor is it fair for them to have to.

[EvaGina]

Im not bashing on you dear, and I DO understand the humiliation. You think your situation is bad? Mine was FAR worse, and he was doing more than just talking to the ex. and FAR more than throwing me against a wall once, when I was hysterical.

 

Hopefully you just learn from it, there is NOTHING to be gained from trying to manipulate someone with your tears. In the end, you tell them what you want, and they either give it to you, compramise, or they dont. and you either put up with it silently, agree to the compramise or leave.

 

I dont think your a bad person, far from it, I just think you dont know yourself very well at the moment, but you will

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I just felt like I'm not good enough

 

Don't ever allow anyone to make you feel that way. You have the power within yourself to feel good about who you are. If any man starts comparing you to an ex...the correct response would be "great, go back to your ex, I am out of here". You are your own person with wonderful qualities and if someone thinks you just don't compare to someone else, that is their choice and their loss because you won't put up with playing second fiddle to anyone. That should be your mindset from now on.

[JadedStar]

Im not bashing on you dear, and I DO understand the humiliation. You think your situation is bad? Mine was FAR worse, and he was doing more than just talking to the ex. and FAR more than throwing me against a wall once, when I was hysterical.

 

Hopefully you just learn from it, there is NOTHING to be gained from trying to manipulate someone with your tears. In the end, you tell them what you want, and they either give it to you, compramise, or they dont. and you either put up with it silently, agree to the compramise or leave.

 

I dont think your a bad person, far from it, I just think you dont know yourself very well at the moment, but you will

 

Real world advice. I think it always helps a person to hear from someone whose been there and overcome it.

[EvaGina]

Real world advice. I think it always helps a person to hear from someone whose been there and overcome it.

 

-bows head- Thank JS

OP, I really HAVE been there before... I know its not fun, if you wanna PM me, then feel absolutely free to do so

[never-too-late]

In my opinion, he is someone you do not want to be with and you do not want to spend your time crying over!

 

He has no right to throw you around, whether it's accidentaly or not. People that hurt us physically should not be allowed near us! Please be happpy, he walked away.

 

You deserve to be treated well. For God's sake, you deleted a number of his ex-girlfriend. I am sure he has not reassured enough that you do not have anything to worry about. I mean she rang him and what he did, he left you that day running to her and that's why he was so angry you didn't want to let him go. He is still not over her! It's so clear from outside!

 

He did not even care you hit the wall so hard you were bleeding. He did not even ask you if you were ok, if you did not hurt yourself too much! What kind of cold-hearted person can do this. I mean he should see that he has gone too far!! He did not even call to say sorry and to check if you are ok. I am sorry but I don't think he cares a lot for you. It looks like he is just using you and then whenever his ex calls him, he runs to her.

 

And what I find really sad that you are not sure if you were wrong?! I mean how can someone actually tell you that you were wrong for not letting him go and that you had no right to delete his number!! I don't get people like this. I mean if my boyfriend deleted my ex-boyfriend's number would I throw him accross the room so he gets bleeding?? I mean it's ridiculous. You were absolutely not wrong. You acted as most women do, we do not like the word ex-girlfriend. And he has made you feel really insecure in the relationship so please DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!! HE WAS WRONG!!

 

Please do not take him back. Don't let him in. Walk away and heal from this guy. I don't feel anything positive about him. And the fact that he showed you his fist to you when you hit hard and were bleeding is just sickening!! This guy has some real issues. You are on this world to put with that. Let his ex to put up with it. And do not listen to people here who are defending his actions. It's absolutely ridiculous if someone should defend him in any way! I think it's clear and obvious, he had absolutely no right to behave such way and look at his actions now. He does not show any sympathy, no caring to see if you are ok!

 

Be strong, we are here for you!! Tell yourself that you will not anybody treat you in such a horrible and hurtful way like he has done!!

[EvaGina]

You deserve to be treated well. For God's sake, you deleted a number of his ex-girlfriend. I am sure he has not reassured enough that you do not have anything to worry about. I mean she rang him and what he did, he left you that day running to her and that's why he was so angry you didn't want to let him go. He is still not over her! It's so clear from outside!

 

I dont see that at all and really, there isnt anything to indicate that in the posts. She says herself he was mad becuase she violated his privacy, and she also says he did reassure her.

AGREED that she shouldnt take him back, but I also think they should equally take the "blame" for the disintergration of the relationship.

[EvaGina]

it is NOT a partners job to fix their SO's insecirity issues, and there is no reason why he should stop talking to an ex. He did reassure her about the ex, but it is not obliged to give up friends for the new gf.

Of course you can get insecure about ex's, but you also have to use rational thought. Every situation is different, if they truly are only friends, and she isnt trying to get into his pants, then the OP has no right to try come between them.

 

The issue (in the beginning) was NOT that the ex called, but that the OP went onto his phone and deleted her number. that is HUGELY disgusting behaviour and he shouldnt have to put up with it.

 

He tried to do the right thing and just leave, but she wouldnt let him.

Again, I am not excusing his behaviour, but it IS NOT all his fault. ANY altercation in a relationship is a result of the actions and choices of both partners.

[Spugly Fuglet]

I ave read this and yes both sides have played a part but!

 

Going physical to that exstent is wrong, restrant in one thing but not to the exstent shown here.

 

there is a fine line and one slip could have seen her injured bady with a bad fall and him in jail.

 

That's why its dumb to use that level of Was he right to hurt me physical action, now matter what the intent the out come can be desatarus.

[Meow18]

There's a difference between pulling someone off of you and slamming a person into a wall. If it was a mistake he would have at least asked if you were ok. I don't care how angry he might have been.

 

Honestly, I bet he would have had no problem getting you off of him without throwing you accross the room. Unless he's smaller than you..

 

Yes, it was violation of his trust over the deletion his ex-girlfriends number, but how would you feel if your own boyfriend would discuss with you how much sex they would have (how great it was and where and when), how close they are to each other, and how undertsanding she is, and how she is a major infliuenec in his life EVEN though she slept with his boss ( and left him for another guy). I don't understand how he could forgive such person or even let this person exist in his,life. Wouldn't this hurt you? Wouldn't this lower every self-esteem you have. I feel like I have to compete for his affection and his praise!!!

 

But violence aside. Your relationship was not healthy. It was wrong of you to delete the number out of his phone. You were jealous and honestly I would be too if my boyfriend talked about his ex the way yours does.

 

And that's the thing. He has no respect for you! To talk about the sex they had? Forgiving her was one thing, if he choose to forgive her then that's his own choice. But to talk about her the way he did? I wouldn't feel too good about it either.

 

His job is to make you feel special. Afterall, if he treats you like just a good friend, then you might as well just be a good friend. It's one thing if you have insecurity issues.. but it's another if the guy really is just not being a good boyfriend.. I would be insecure too if my boyfriend praised his ex more than me.

 

But you didn't have to deal with it. And you shouldn't allow yourself to be with a guy like that.

 

Him shoving you was not your fault. He has anger issues. He got that mad because you deleted a phone number? I can understand being upset.. and he had every right to be, but to get mad enough where he shoved you into a wall? That's scary. But him turning to violence was not your fault!!!

 

My point is that you are better off without him. He did nothing good for you. He hurt your self esteem and now you have insecurities. This is no way to live.

[EvaGina]

^^^ Meow, he did get that mad becuase of the number, he got that mad becuase she was hysterical about being manipulated and cried at when he tried to leave. (but apart from that, I totally agree with your post.)

I ave read this and yes both sides have played a part but!

 

Going physical to that exstent is wrong, restrant in one thing but not to the exstent shown here.

 

there is a fine line and one slip could have seen her injured bady with a bad fall and him in jail.

 

That's why its dumb to use that level of Was he right to hurt me physical action, now matter what the intent the out come can be desatarus.

 

agreed.

I am NOT in any condoning the use of real physical force, of course he had to do SOMETHING to make her let him go, but throwing her accross the room was not it.

 

then again, if he had just prised her off, she might have just latched on again... which I wouldnt be surprised happened once or twice before he lost it.

[Meow18]

^^^ Meow, he did get that mad becuase of the number, he got that mad becuase she was hysterical about being manipulated and cried at when he tried to leave. (but apart from that, I totally agree with your post.)

 

 

I understand him getting mad about her deleting a phone number. And the fact that she wouldn't let him leave. I completely understand.

 

But to the point where he can't control his anger and feels the need to shove her accross the room? I just think that it's scary.

[EvaGina]

have you ever been in that situation?

I bet he told her a dozen times "let me go"...

its just as scary being forcefully held somewhere you dont want to be.

If a man was keeping a woman in a room like that, we would all cheer when she hit him.

 

I have hit a man when he was holding me and wouldnt let me go. I dont feel bad about it AT ALL. (granted, I was much smaller than him, but the point is similar)

[sophie274]

Hi De Tourvel (love the book/play/movie too!)

 

As others have said, I think this is a really unhealthy relationship. He clearly has very little respect for you - as evidenced by the behavior with his ex. I think this bad dynamic led both of you (in this precise situation) to make some stupid decisions, and in his case, very violent and scary decisions.

 

His behavior should definitely tell you that it's time to end this relationship, but so should yours. This relationship has clearly destroyed your self-esteem, and made you absolutely desperate. I say this with complete empathy and compassion: I don't mean that you are "pathetic", I mean to say "look at what this has done to you, you deserve better!"

 

There have been a bunch of posts on this thread. Do you have a game plan? How are you going to get out?

[EvaGina]

Ok, did I miss a post or something? (if I did, then cool)

but what did he do so wrong with his ex?

he talked to her... and?

he DID reassure the OP that he wasnt into her... I really dont see what the problem is.