My boyfriend threw me across the room...was it my fault?

[Meow18]

I'm so glad De Tourvel! It's going to be hard, it's always hard to get over somebody but I'm so glad you are able to see a little more clearly now.

 

Maybe he deserves someone who is willing to put up with his ex, but you deserve more than someone who puts their ex before you. You deserve better than him!

 

You should feel good about yourself and if shaving and waxing and putting on make up and dancing to Kelly Clarkson makes you feel confident, then keep up with it!

[This Little Lady]

Honestly darling, its a good thing you got out while you did. He overreacted and became violent over something that could have easily been solved by talking or at arguing (at the most). Guaranteed if you stayed in that relationship it would have only resorted in harsher abuse for other things. I mean that seems a little strange, you delete a number, he throws you on the floor and makes you bleed? No matter what he can't justify that!

 

I don't think its your fault at all. I mean he had the choice right? He had the choice to sit down rationally and talk it out. You didn't bring out anything bad in him. It is all his own doing! I was in an abusive relationship at one point, it never got to the point where he hit me cause I ended it before he could. But it is natural to think it is your fault because you feel YOU have wronged them. Whatever he says, you are NOT to blame for this.

[JadedStar]

You didn't bring out anything bad in him. It is all his own doing!

 

I totally disagree. His violence was NOT justified, however, telling her she has brought nothing bad out in him is wrong. This woman is very obsessively clingy based on her posts. Sorry that CAN bring out the worst in a person. I have been in a relationship like this before and yes, I was so needy and clingy i darn near drove the man to a mental hospital.

 

Not telling this woman the truth will NOT help her to ever find a healthy relationship. She needs to get therapy so that she can find happiness one day. SHe expects her man to be responsible for her happiness and self esteem and that CANNOT and WILL NOT work.

 

The violence was absolutely not called for, but I find no aide to this woman in telling her she did nothing at all to bring out the worst in someone. He should not have touched her, but I can almost guarantee he has gotten to the end of his rope with the jealousies and insecurities.

 

I do believe in honesty here, anything less is a waste of my time. and the OP's.

[TheFoglifter]

It could be interpreted that she activated his primal fight or flight response by being the first one to get physical. If she was indeed on her knees blocking the door, and holding onto his leg, he didn't have a lot of choice.

 

You say he could have sat and discussed it rationally, but were any of her actions rational? No! They were intensely emotional, and you can't have a rational discussion with someone who is caught up in emotion.

 

She obviously wasn't going to let up until he gave in and did what she wanted, so his only choice (given that he shouldn't have had to give in) was to leave.

 

Perhaps she had some sense knocked into her. I have done the begging thing before, and while It got me my way, it made me feel low and dirty afterwards. It wasn't worth it.

[JadedStar]

It could be interpreted that she activated his primal fight or flight response by being the first one to get physical

 

This is the exact term I was about to add. Odd, you took the words out of my mouth.

[This Little Lady]

True it could have been a fight or flight circumstance for him. Still though that doesn't justify how he reacted. I mean abuse is abuse. If he were defending himself from certain danger like someone attacking him I could understand it. I think fight or flight is when you have no other option. I think he just reacted out of anger and it made him worse seeing her react the way she did. Upon reflection though that could have been very well what happened.

[Miss Firecracker]

If anyone doubts a woman can push a GOOD man to physically injure her, I'll admit to doing that myself. No need to go into details because it's water under the bridge now, don't want to go over it again.

 

I had bruises all over my arms three times during a few months, but it was absolutely my fault. It's never happened before and never has since, and it won't again.

 

Only God and this young lady know what part she played in this scenario.

[This Little Lady]

I can understand what your saying there. I know my brother was the same way with his girlfriend. But wouldn't your other hitting you make you fear for how the person will become in other situations. This guy was seriously angry. I mean to me, I could understand it she provoked him with violence. However she was in a harmless position. To me that doesn't sound like she was provoking much.

[JadedStar]

I can understand what your saying there. I know my brother was the same way with his girlfriend. But wouldn't your other hitting you make you fear for how the person will become in other situations. This guy was seriously angry. I mean to me, I could understand it she provoked him with violence. However she was in a harmless position. To me that doesn't sound like she was provoking much.

 

I don't think anyone here is condoning what this man did or downplaying it. Just rather explaining how these types of situations can escalate and once it is over that person can be left shaken wondering "what the heck did i do". Human beings have been known to kill people when they snap from pressure, so of course they could shove someone. AGAIN this is NOT condoing it. I think it is turning into a dangerous liasion and they need to cut the cord on this thing and quick.

 

I know all i am trying to do is help her to see what she did that she can change in her future relationships, because if she changes nothing, every relationship will end in the same sad and volatile way. Garbage in, garbage out. If the input does not change, nor will the output.

 

And the sad irony here is that her screenname came from the movie "dangerous liasion".

[De Tourvel]

De tourvel clarifying a situation again.

Jaded star is right, I got too clingy. I dependent on him. I wasn't before until him talking about his past relatiohsipn with his ex-gf. It's just him saying it over and over again make me realized that probably he still loves her.

 

by the way, I was holding his leg, like not holding it and him walking with me hanging on it. I just kneeled, hugged his leg, he told me to let go, so I did...I did mention to him please don't go...let's talk about this. I did even tell him lets have a rational conversation, but his mind was blocked from all the frustration. He got frustrated that I was still blocking his way, so he grabbed my arms and dragged me accross the room, but I got up saying please forgive me. With his frustration again, he threw the pillow and pretty much messed up my bed. The frustration starts building up and he lost it. He grabbed me again, threw me accross the room, I rolled and hit my faec on the wall...and my nose started bleeding. I saw him ran back to me and I saw his hands make a fist getting ready to hit me, but left as soon as possible.

 

My boyfirned and I have been pushing each other's buttons for a very long time. I'm not going to lie, but if my anger accumulate, I would say harsh things to him. He was patient with me, but he was frustrated with the fact that I always judge myself to his ex-gf. I asked him several times to not mention her name or their stories, but he would end up bringin it up, like "Oh, i have a story to tell you, but nevermind you don't like her..." since I'm OCD and hate things unfunushed (especially stories) I asked him to finish his thoughts.

 

Several reasons is him being stubborn. I go to school, work, handle my parent's business, and take care of my siblings. He hates the fact that his not getting any affection at all or any time. He only has little time with me. He just miss the kisses and giddyness and hugs. I told him be greatful what I can give you for now since I'm stressed and tired. HE said that's not an excuse becaseu he did my situation before, then I said "you don't have 4 siblings, and you are not enrolled in a full time course in college." He understood so he threatened to break up with me. As always I drove to his house, beg and kneeled, and talk to him....I cry because I love you...and were back together. Next thing you know I gave him all the affection he wanted...now I want some affection. He won't gave it to me. He said to be greatful for what he gives me. .......I just told him this before he broke up with me. I lost it.....I asked "werem't you listening to what I said before this..." and he said in a careless voice "No..." I was being ignored the whole time. I am just furstrated with him for being unable to listen, unable to understand, and unable to see how much he is hurting me when his talking to me about his ex-gf sex life.

 

He is not a violent man. Well he used to say he has a temper and he put a dent on his truck once when he was angry about something, but he changed his ways to be a better person. I guess his ex-gf went through those dark times. I am angry with his ex-gf because she knows her existence in the relationship is hurting me, but she didn't care...she kept calling even though Andrew (not his real name) said "Don't call me anymore..." I don't know if she's doing this spite on me or what, but it was irritating.

 

It has been three days and he hasn't called me yet. I miss him and love him so...much. I wasn't a jealous person back then until.....he started talking about his sexual life with her, how he wanted me to be like her like to stand up against my parents for being too obedient. He doesn't understand my culture is about respect and obedience. I obey my parents because they pay for my college tuition,buy my clothes, and a wonderful house to live in. Their are times they are irrational but their are no perfect parents.

[JadedStar]

I honestly have felt all of this since your first post that this was probably what was going on. I am not surprised by any of this.

 

YOu two were feeding off of each other, and thriving on the dysfunction and sadly these things often end with a phsycial act. Thank your lucky stars it was a shove. Men AND women when reaching their breaking point have been known to do crazy things. We can say it is wrong, but that does not prevent it from happening everyday all around us.

 

I think you are able to more clearly see that things must change, behaviors MUST change or the situation remains the same. If he cannot let go of the g/f, please let HIM go and release your torture. She defnitely is not trustworthy if he asked her not to call and she does. but his asking her not to, and your saying before that he always tells you that you are way more hot than her tells me he doesn't love her more.

 

I admit when i have been REALLY angry at my spouse i have done the unthinkable and compared him to my ex. "if you could do such and such like M did"...i know it is WRONG and it was done out of anger. ANd i am someone who knows a lot about relationships, and even I made this mistake. So maybe your b/f compares you to her out of anger? LIke i have done? I always apologize tho if i do somethign like that and it is rare. We have just had a few doozies in our day and i said it to hurt him back like i was hurting. ANd it is very wrong to do that, but we humans make mistakes sometimes. THis is why it is imperative to learn from them. THat is what separates the strong from the weak.

[EvaGina]

Its good you can really look at yourself like that DeTourvel... I wish you all the happiness in the world

It will get easier, and I promise you will look back on it and not hurt.

 

If anyone doubts a woman can push a GOOD man to physically injure her, I'll admit to doing that myself

-raises hand- I have never made a good man hit me, bad man, yer... but I have been driven to slapping someone not a good feeling

[De Tourvel]

I know that he loved me, but it is so...difficult to see his love when he would defend his ex-gf over me. Now tihnking about, his ex-gf really doesn't like me that's why she keeps calling even though he said "no, no more calls from you..." (

 

I kind of believed that he genuinely loved me, but the damaged was already done and it cannot be mend anymore. I don't know when his going to call me back or what, but I am assuming three months...I don't know. I don't expect him to call me at all. He hates me from the last time I talk to him. Probably he felt sorry for hurting me, but doesn't sound like it that night of the incident. I need to be inmdependent and prove to him that I don't need him to make me feel wanted or needed. I dont' even have to rpove to him, I must prove it myself that I can do this alone.

[JadedStar]

NOt everyone is capable of true love. This man may not have it in him to love someone the way he should. We tend to as humans make ourselves crazy sometimes when people don't behave the way we want them to. What we need to do, and what healthy people do, is move on when someone really is not fulfilling our needs. And i hope that is what you do with this one. Just move on. He should not tell you this ex is his best friend. He is wrong in doing that.

[millmogs]

De Tourvel,

I hope your still around reading the posts, I think it will be important for you to re-read these again when you are feeling in your weaker moments as I've noticed you bounce from really down to positive and down again. Also, backwards and forwards from blaming yourself or Andrew.

 

As I've been reading this discussion (And I'm not soft stroking you here) I really do want you to know how heartfelt and saddened I feel for you, this sounds really emotionally painful, it brings back memories for me and things I am dealing with right now, you are not alone. You can easily see that from all the wonderful people chatting to you, I am so glad you feel safe to spill it all out on these pages. Even if it is emotionally challenging.

 

Importantly, can I say I consider myself as no life expert at all and am always looking to improve myself in awareness of myself and how I react with others. "Know thyself" is the motto.

 

If it's ok with you (As I feel compelled) I'll just bounce a few thoughts/questions/ideas past you, for you to reflect upon. You can disregard all of them if you feel you prefer because hey! we are all learning and at different levels. You don't have to answer anything.

 

Before I go any further, I'm not wholly sending Andrew to hell. As said earlier by wise others, we have not heard his story. From what I pick up, he has a lot of growing up to do, he is insecure and also has anger issues. I can only read what you have told us.

 

1. Remember all of the people here want to help you. They will try their best to gently or firmly tell you what you need to hear. This why they are your friends.

 

2. You need to face your demons and this relationship. This is not easy and your a toughie already for making a start, just keep going. But remember this does not happen in twenty four hours. And it can be hard at times, just don't try too hard too quickly, try and switch off to something else at times if you can (Yes - easier said than done).

 

3. Question - No need for answer but.. Who the heck was it that taught you to feel so bad about yourself. Is it just your boyfriend or is it a family pressure, your social circle or what ? Please just think about it because you don't deserve it wherever is came from.

 

4. Cut yourself some slack on the mobile phone number thing. You were desperate and I bet you panicked as soon as you done it. You were desperate to stop the pain, anything was an option to you. I also bet you wish you could have been as cool as ice and handled it all perfectly without the deletion.

 

5. This violence thing. I was all set to say that perhaps it was an unusual explosive one off situatation in very unusual circumstances. Nobody is allowed to hit anyone in my book be it male to female or vice versa. But I do keep an open mind that in very unusual circumstances this may happen as a one off. Time and help and therapy proving that it never happens again. You admit later in your letters that it's happened before. Sorry, but people who think they can get away with these things will do it again. Fine it was a hysterical situation but he is already aware of himself and knows he will do these things. He should have controlled himself as he has known he has done it before and should have learned then. Or, has your low self esteem let you tell him that it's ok for him to casually shove you around like this. I'm guessing the heated moment triggered the action (You were probably both super stressed) but he needs to learn to control his anger better, nobody seems to be telling him this is wrong. It is not your job to teach him this, he will learn the hard way when someone thumps him hard for it.

 

6. Anger is a warning, not always an enemy. Something to learn from when you feel it coming on. It usually means get out or change the situation, I think that applies to both yourself and Andrew.

 

7. This dinner threesome, mobile numbers, sex discussions, emotional contact, jumping to immediate aid with the EX etc etc. I hope I've not got this wrong but, I'd challenge any partner to feel able to put up with that. Little bits of it in isolation perhaps but all at once, no way. Sounds like a real constant very upseeting head flux to me, it must have felt awful. For your own reasons you loved this guy, it really must have hurt to have this all going on in your head.

 

8. When you love someone dearly and then people who care about you tell you the relationship is not good for you it really does hurt, it's not what you want to hear. Please remember your human and allowed to feel this pain. Just take comfort that people who care about you mean well and want to help you through this. As time goes on you may start thinking "Do I really really really want this person if they are going to make me feel so much in pain all the time"?

 

9. Andrews family not talking with you. Sorry to be blunt but the lord only knows what biased rubbish he has been feeding them. I am sure he has not told them he hits you. Get rid of them along with Andrew, you don't need that poison. And, you most certainly don't need to ask them for any kind of forgiveness (Which I suspect you will consider doing). They may actually be nice people but another possibility is... They will only take you in with sympathy and then bash you down again. You can learn the easy or hard way, it's up to you.

 

10. Hey yes go away for a few days, just don't do anything rash. Try if you can to go with someone who is a friend not linked to Andrew in any way. Perhaps you can discuss this a little with them but ask them to help you keep your mind on other things. You can even ask how their day is going, don't advise, just listen.

 

11. I'm not an expert on councelling. I have a few friends that have been to a few councelling sessions and say it helped them clear a few things out that were bugging them. Once your emotions are settled, perhaps try to get some free and discreet time in councelling via your education contacts. You don't need to tell anyone at all, just say your appointments are for a bad back or something. You'll know if it is helping you. Just make sure you feel comfortable talking with them and remember you get different styles of councelling. They are a tool to help you.

 

12. Looking good, that's great news. Just promise it's not to eventually show Andrew or the family that you've moved on. They or he will dismiss it knowing what you are trying to do and that will make you feel foolish. You do this for yourself, not Andrew or any future partner, but for you.

 

13. Thirteen, unlucky for some. I bet your voice is lovely, keep up the singing When I have a little euphoric emotional moment I sing "I can see clearly now the rain has gone....". You'd be a very unlucky person if you heard me singing that 8/

 

I hope my contribution helps. God I wish I had seen this site before I lost my partner.

 

Keep well.

Millmogs

[millmogs]

Whoops sprry, I meant to say in line that "Perhaps I've got this wrong, not hope I've got this wrong"" sorry

[This Little Lady]

Jaded Star I totally understand what you were trying to say now the part about the person sitting on the floor wondering why kind of helped me understand better. I guess I wasn't clicking into the whole "its the way they see us not the way we see ourselves" thing.

 

De Tourvel, I hope things get better for you! I think you've gotten quite a lot of good advice from the posters here.

[De Tourvel]

hello everyone,

 

day 4 or three being alone without andrew (Not his real name, but pretend it is). I'm beginning to realized that I need counseling or see some psychologist or something, but the things that I fear abouta psychologist is they might label me as mentally ill and send me to some facility home and i'm just gone...sent to an asylum. I hope those are not true because my parent's tend to tell me those scenarios. Honestly, I lost my own self-respect to myself. I let him pushed me around and it was too late for me to make him realized that he can't do that. Their are times that I would be mean to him, by shouting at him like "You don't F----(f word with -ing) love me you son of a (female dog)!!!" I shout at him for no reasons...either its my defense mechanism to get angry at him over his ex-gf...my hatred for her.....and my hatred to him for not understanding that it hurts if he says that his ex-gf is his best friend. What am I then? Not best friend, but just a girl who gives him pleasure and be his subservient woman!!! I'm sorry but I'm crying again, OMG!!!! What does it take to make me better than her? What does she has that I don't have? Great, I'm beginning to subjective again. thinking of my emotions rather than think rationally. I'm ok, i'm ok, im'ok.......I'm ok. She's more important than me to him, so he loves her than me. I accept that.

 

My emotions are very mixed right now. Sometimes I would cry in my bed....then I would be happy feeling confident and sexy....then I would feel more depressed and not eat anything at all. I checked the weighting scale today...usually I weight about 105lbs about 4 days ago. Now I'm 95lbs......I'm not anorexic, but I just don't feel hungry. Maybe, it's my depression. OMG!!! I'm letting this pathetic drama get in to me. I'm just hurting myself. Maybe I should go to church.......(pause)......never mind, i can't stand church...everyone is too....churchy in their.

 

An hour ago, I was in my car listening to the song "Right here waiting for you..." by richard marx. I asked myself "Who am I waiting for? I can't wait for andrew...unless I want to take him back try again and have another round with his ex-gf and his subborn self....."

but hey! the song somehow helps...either I'm waiting for Mr. Right...or I'm waiting to finally find myself...to be free from this torment that I have been stucked on for 1 year and 6 months of suffering about him and her together.

 

His hanging-out with her...I know this because everytime we broke up his with her. I know his with her right now. I have been so....blind (Crying)............i feel foolish. I wasted my love for him. Well, not literally wasted because he showed me true love, like he would give me flowers, visit me from work with flowers, wonderful dinner dates, massages, and cheering me up.........(crying)........this relationship would be fine if she doesn't exist (his ex-gf). I can't blame her though. I have to blame myself. I could just put my jealousy aside and continue and prove to her that I am here to stay! Oh well....what the heck am I doing? his just a high school graduate. I rubbed that in his face a lot too, but his an intelligent man...I wanted him to go back to school because he was in the top 5% in our high school class. I don't want him to waste his intelligence.

 

But I'm ok....i'm ok....i'm ok...I'm just gonna see shrek the third tonight and chill. I'll keep you guys updated about me guys about how I am doing. I check this blog as often as I could. Thank you again everyone. i will come back and re-read all the advice you have posted. Reading them helps a lot.

[EvaGina]

sweetheart

its only been 4 days... I know your emotions are see-sawing from one extreme to the other, but you WILL feel better in time

 

Just try to look on the bright side

[RebeccaChow]

Er you should obviously leave him be? He is physically abusing you, so WHAT if its the first time he has ever done it? There could be the second, third, endless more times. So you should just LEAVE HIM.

 

He shouldn't even be contacting his ex-girlfriend for goodness sake's. AND it is not your fault that you deleted her number, com'on, he's with you now. He should be more understanding.

 

Who the hell cares now, just leave him. Ignore his calls/texts. Just don't contact that jerk anymore.

 

Take care.

[JadedStar]

YOu are doing just fine. Just fine. I am proud of your thought process here. YOu are seeing things for what they are.

 

Umm, no you won't go to a facility home for seeing a shrink. if that were the case I'd have been in a home years ago.

[cylinder]

There is absolutely no excuse for that type of physical action. He is not worth your time

[Meow18]

You will not be sent away by going to see a psychologist. Trust me, if having insecurities and going through a bad relationship were a sign of a mental problem, we would have all been in a home at one time or another.

 

Go and talk to someone. It always helps.. If after the first time you don't feel any better, then either find someone else or don't.

[De Tourvel]

day five

 

today I kept myself busy. Sad, then blank....I don't feel anything. I was hungry so.......I ate. Missing andrew (not his real name). Mom said give him space. HIs my best friend. I have known him since 8th grade, so I think he'll call again.....but I won't call him. He owes me an apology....and I owe him one for getting mad at him over nothing (anger defense mechanism over his ex-gf).

 

I'm going to make this blog my day to day diary. So I can read my progress.

[millmogs]

De Tourvel,

Even if you do get what you want, which really is Andrew back with you. It is obvious he has to go for some anger management therapy. Do you think he would let you tell him to do this? Even if he did not mean to do it, he has done it more than once, the issue needs to be addressed or it will not stop, it will get worse unless he emotionally grows up quickly and I feel he will not. Apology for being all therapy that and therapy this. But, hey why not do something for "Yourself" for a change. Please just book in the therapist, you will not get carted away to the asylum and condemned in a straight jacket/padded cell to suffer this pain for all eternity. You can beat him to it and perhaps feel more in control of your own life and be a more confident person. You can tell everyone you have an occasional sore twinge in your back or something to cover the "Private" appointments. Nobody needs to know, they will not tell on you. I don't think you are mad in any way, just a bit (Well extremely) distressed and that is all very understandable in these circumstances, you are not alone. It may even give you the strength to set down clear conditions to yourself of what you want from your partner instead of bending to this guys requirements (Or possibly your peers?) all the time (Which is clearly what you are doing). Also, it may point out some expectations you have of Andrew and yourself that are unrealistic. Not all therapists are brilliant but give it a try.

 

This thing about an appology. It's not just about the fight, we know this, it's about the rotten way he treats you, sorry is not good enough. Actions speak louder than words and something has to be changed, even if you do get him back. Change in and for both of you. If you don't want to go then don't go, but what harm can it do? I think it will at least help you realise you are allowed to feel upset at what has happened. These people see this kind of thing all the time, the others are correct.

 

Just so you know, I'm not shouting at you. I'm being firm as we are all worried about you. I/we just don't want you going back to something for it to be the same again and you get emotionally or physically hurt again.

 

Your friend (On behalf of everyone else here)

Millmogs