My boyfriend threw me across the room...was it my fault?

[PrincesaPortuguesa07]

First of all, no one has the right to put his hands on you. And if he's that upset over something like that, you should questions what coudl've happened. I don't think I need to give you specifics but it would've been ugly.

You deserve someone who will respect you and not put his issues on you like that. What you described sounds like what most physically abused women say in their boyfriends/husbands defense. "He didn't mean it", "I made him angry", "It was my fault"..Screw That!!!!!! Sweetie, thank your lucky stars that he didn't hit you or worse, put you in the hospital. I hope that you find some peace of mind and mend your broken heart. He's not worth it!!!

[musicguy]

First of all, no one has the right to put his hands on you. And if he's that upset over something like that, you should questions what coudl've happened. I don't think I need to give you specifics but it would've been ugly.

You deserve someone who will respect you and not put his issues on you like that. What you described sounds like what most physically abused women say in their boyfriends/husbands defense. "He didn't mean it", "I made him angry", "It was my fault"..Screw That!!!!!! Sweetie, thank your lucky stars that he didn't hit you or worse, put you in the hospital. I hope that you find some peace of mind and mend your broken heart. He's not worth it!!!

 

agreed 110%

[De Tourvel]

Day 6

 

hi guys thank you for the comments. It's very mind opening and realization of myself and situation. I deeply appreciate it.

 

Well, today was a great day. Probably last night I was crying and being hysterical again and sad, but I just have to let it out. Andrew (not his real name) hasn't contact me at all, so ok i guess I'm out in his list. I love the guy, but re-reading all that I have typed in here and all your advices has taken away a heavy pain in my chest. I have to let him go and release myself from my torment (Someone gave that advice to me, but I forgot who? whoever it is thanks). My heart is light now. Too many buttons had been pressed and pretty much the relationship is doomed (sex talk about ex and ex and my own jealousy and his misunderstanding and our principle and his cruel racist mother and etc...) Thank you everyone....

 

I wasn't thinking of him at all today, but worrying about my future in college and my promotion to my job ($9.00 hour no more 7.50). I'll still schedule an counseling thing with a shrink for my own sake. If me and andrew did come back together....it's not gonna be soon, but me and him will need to go to a lot of counseling....but I don't want to risk getting hurt again. I wish him best of luck and I don't ever want to see him again....well for now, not literally. If he wants to be friends thats fine, because his not worth my time anymore. All he has given me is pain, misery, and tears. Few happiness, but mostly tears.

[JadedStar]

I fear you are so vunerable. Your no contact endeavor, in my opinion, was attempted hoping that he WOULD contact you. Please do not go into this like that. Please move forward hoping he WILL NOT contact you. I feel you are so vulnerable that if he called you right now you would leap for joy. Please try to retrain your thought processes in such a manner that you hope he doesn't come back. Trust me, that will make this break so much EASIER.

 

And dearheart, we know his name is not Andrew. You don't have to keep telling us. All that extra typing and all...

 

We are here to listen to you vent to your heart's content. Many of us have been in your shoes. WE DO understand.

[millmogs]

De Tourvel,

Everybody is so correct, I also agree with JadedStar, being cool can be a way to make the other person wonder about you and then they eventually call as they wonder what you are up to and why you are not chasing them. Try not to assume what Andrew is thinking, this isn't just simple (Slightly childish) game play in a relationship where you play each others emotions to see what people think of you for real. My gut instinct tells me that Andrew is confused and is sitting down to try and sort out his head, perhaps he may be fortunate enough that someone impartial has told him to do so. Or like you said, "He may be coming to his senses" but that does not happen overnight. He may be trying to understand himself and his immature approach to life, you love him and you have tried your best, it is too much for you, don't wait for it to happen. Can you see the pain it has put you under, it all came too much for you. It's heartbreaking but your not superwoman, you can't handle it all and also you are too emotionally close to Andrew to be able to tell him what he needs to hear. It will come to him in his own time. I/We and you have you to focus on for the moment. I suspect you are a very proud person and care very much about what your surrounding peers think of you and want to be seen as strong and in control of anything that comes your way in life and that includes being able to handle Andrews ways all on your own. Nobody can handle this on their own, it's too much, had it gone on it would have driven you to a nervous breakdown. I think this break you now have is a blessing in disguise.

Yes, go to therapy but it is for important specific reasons, not everything. 1. To help you calm your thoughts 2. To let you identify and nullify those little personal items that you mentioned were bugging you, they are not to do with Andrew, just about making you more complete in yourself. Please do not make the assumption that you are seeing a relationship therapist, this will not cure you and Andrew. It's to give you a chance in life to look after yourself and build yourself into a stronger person. You may not be there that long, if you use it to try and cure your relationshiop with Andrew, you'll be there for ages. By all means spill it out as you need to do that with someone outside of your situation, that's kind of why we are here. But for the therapist, I have a few friends who openly admit to going as it sorted a few small things out for them and they were able to leave and move on building their life the way they want. This will make you giggle but I went to therapy seven years ago. After discussion the thearapist came right out with it and said "Your completely correct, your mother is horrible and has been wearing you down, stay away from her". God I needed so much to hear that from someone who knew the world and was non-biased. I was then able to move on without guilt

I suspect what you need is non-biased friendship outside Andrew and your own peer community, where you feel safe to relax. I just get the feeling you gave Andrew all of yourself and didn't spend any time looking after you. Agreed, it's a paradox. By being with Andrew, you were giving yourself what you wanted the most. But trust me that is not healthy, you need to share yourself around and feel a bit more independent and enjoy other things. That makes for healthy relationships.

You can't do it all at once, so go to the therapist, it will take your mind off Andrew for a while and let you focus on something special that's even more important, and that's YOU.

Keep smiling

Millmogs

[musicguy]

I would just take some time for yourself, he may realize what an a** he is, but still, I wouldn't contact him anymore for your own good

[De Tourvel]

Day 7

 

I agree with millslog advice. I need time for myself. I concentrated so much with andrew that I wasn't able to give myself space. I didn't leave a single percent to myself, like to watch out for myself for tragedies, independence, and etc....I didn't give myself time to breathe.

 

I guess your all wondering my day, but I'm alright. I feel calm, and I scheduled an appointment with a therapist already (no one knows except me....and you guys). I shouldn't even hang-out with andrews friends to keep my distance, since they are just going to report to him. Don't worry, I canceled my plan with them to avoid him peeking.

 

It's still hard, because we have so many pictures and memories, but I already stored them in a box to help me move on. I'm better than this, and I'll just take this relationship a learning experience. I don't know.....I'm not goiing to lie, but my heart is full of hate to him sometimes for being so close with his ex-gf. I really did try to solve it myself, by putting my pride down saying "I'm sorry about insulting your ex-gf," now it's like wait his wrong...his being inconsiderate about me, but oh well, I'll be ok....

[mariposa81]

You're doing great! It's okay to hurt and it's okay to cry, but just remember that even though it hurts now, you're going to look back on this and be GLAD you put yourself first. He doesn't deserve you and one day, you'll understand fully what that means. But it's hard because you're hurting right now still. It'll get easier as time passes. The first few days are the hardest. One thing that may help keep you going is that it can only get easier from here

 

Also remember to STAY STRONG and do not have any contact with him. There's a good chance he will call eventually, but you need to keep focused and do not talk to him. Talking to him will only stall your progress and everything you've worked towards these last few days will go down the drain.

 

It'll be hard, but you can do it!

[2today]

He could kill you, don't go back to a pyscho. I have never been hit, but I know what its like to be in love and it's hard. Try out of the house activities and you will be so tired that you will not have time to think about him. All he wants to do is use you and treat you like crap and you deserve better.

[Aurian]

Have you looked into counselling yet? A good counselor can be a real lifesaver. I was in a bad relationship that was abusive and before, during and after my self-esteem, self-worth and ability to trust myself was crushed.

 

I had a good counselor though, and I am better for the whole messy experience now than I was before. I believe in myself now and know that I will never let anyone tell me otherwise again.

 

One caveat, not all counselors are created equal. There are different counselling styles and different personalities. If one counselor isn`t working for you, it may just be that his/her style doesn`t resonate with you. A good one will help you in the best way for your personality/thinking style.

[JadedStar]

Have you looked into counselling yet? A good counselor can be a real lifesaver. I was in a bad relationship that was abusive and before, during and after my self-esteem, self-worth and ability to trust myself was crushed.

 

I had a good counselor though, and I am better for the whole messy experience now than I was before. I believe in myself now and know that I will never let anyone tell me otherwise again.

 

One caveat, not all counselors are created equal. There are different counselling styles and different personalities. If one counselor isn`t working for you, it may just be that his/her style doesn`t resonate with you. A good one will help you in the best way for your personality/thinking style.

 

She said in her last post that she has booked her appt.

 

DT this is good advice, if the first counselor does not seem to work well for you, find another. We do better with various folks so if you dont find the right one at first, look again.

 

You sound much better. hang in there kiddo.

[De Tourvel]

day 8

 

OMG!!! I started crying in my sister's dance performance for her school. Their was this dance piece, a boy and a girl dancing very passionately. She pushes him away, he tried to kiss her then pushes her away. Pretty much it looks like their teasing each other, but oh well....We are all such a tease. Then I started crying because that's how Andrew and I use to be, lol. We use to tease each other,lol. I was crying because of the memories. Honestly, I didn't expect that from happening like me crying and all, but I was ok...

 

then after that dance piece I smiled (Sort of) again because they started dancing something scary...It was called "Short interval" (?) didn't make sense, like "Short interval????" but they were all dancing weird and their was a girl just sitting in the corner with that little stage like thing only concentrated to her...., but everyone around her was dancing creepy in her side. Next thing you know it gets darker and darker and a girl pops out that looks like form the grudge appeare and started crawling (I was like "OH HELL NO!!!!), then BOOM!!!!! She chick sitting in the corner screamed (I even screamed, lol AHH!!!! What the he--"( with -LL....can we say hell here?). Then I forgot about me crying.

 

Also, by the way I did bought some ticket movie for myself to watch Pirates of the Caribbean: World's end (OMG!!! I'm so excited!!!!).

 

Ps: I kind of got in trouble at work, but not really. My boss told me that a parent was angry at me because I called her child a gorilla. I clarified to them that I was telling the child sit properly because your sitting like a gorilla (It was a black kid, I had no intention of being racist or anything. I wasn't even thinking of that, because the kid was really sitting like a gorilla in the chair). I said "wow! You kids are like animals, It's like you belong to the zoo." I dunno I guess some people are still sensitive to racism. I didn't get written note or fired, because they saw that I had no intention for it, just a very sensitive parents. I'm scared now....

[millmogs]

Hey De Tourvel,

So glad you are doing things with yourself. Keep it up.

Few pointers...

 

The cousellor/therapist... Remember you are there discuss your nagging thoughts about yourself. I agree, if you don't "Click" with them, then find another. But give it a chance. I nearly ran away when I went and I even felt the lady didn't understand me and was also quietly questioning her skills. The truth is, it can be very painful looking into yourself. So expect it to be a rollercoaster regardless of how you feel about the therapist. You may even leave feeling misunderstood and a bit annoyed. Just give it all a few days after each session to let the session sink in and make sense to you. You don't have to accept eveything thing but I will bet you money that some parts make you think and understand things about yourself.

 

The theatre... Hey, your a passionate and emotional person This thing just triggered all that, really glad you felt able to let go. Your a bit sensitive just now so cut yourself some slack.

 

The gorilla thing... This has nothing to do with your relationship apart from the fact your mind is a bit elsewhere and your not able to focus on your job properly. These kids need your kindness, discretion and understanding a lot more than Andrew does. Think on this.. "It is very worth considering who you audience is before opening your mouth". I have put my foot in with this same mistake and have to constantly remind myself of that rule.

 

Your doing fine.

Millmogs

[De Tourvel]

day 9

 

yesterday i did something foolish and that is after the movie of Pirates of the Caribbean: World's end, I drove to andrew's house and left a picture of me and him on his car window. The next morning (Today), I saw the picture I left him on his car window and it was ripped in half on my car window. I cried....lost again and hurt.

 

I know foolish. Stupid me. I guess he really doesn't want me back now. I just have to accept its over. i hope he learned smething for this. I don't even think he feels any remorse about making me bleed that night. I'm depressed again....

 

 

By the way, my sis got a puppy. It cheered me up. I think I'm gonna buy myself a puppy to cheer me up.

[Hope75]

De Tourval,

 

Forgive yourself for your slip up of leaving the picture on his window.

 

Honey, you know he is not good for you and that if he loved or respected you he would never have been violent, no matter what you did to him. A man always has the option to leave.

 

You are going to be OK. Just get back on track and leave the past in the past.

 

((HUGS))

[millmogs]

De Tourvel,

 

As your internet friend, I hate to say it but I feel slightly disappointed in you. You've spent a lot of time spilling it out and I, like the others, have listened and taken a lot of time to help you. You are forgiven, you really are, but you've got to pull yourself together. Gaining sympathy and then going back to give yourself more pain is not going to help you. There are angels in this world who want to help you, but only if you trust them. Oh, and Andrew isn't an Angel.

 

Putting the photograph on the window. That was a silly thing to do and you know it! Now, before I get on my high horse, I have done something similar only to go away and think what an utter idiot I was being. You are going to end up looking like a nutty stalker and Andrew will simply use that to strengthen his own image amongst his own peers. For example "See, she's nuts, I was right to get away and of course I never hit her". You can get away with these things once, DON'T do anything like it again. You were acting again out of emotions and why on earth do you "Keep seeking to punish yourself"? I'm starting to see someone who either likes being or perhaps simply lets people tread on them. You have got to toughen up. Pull away from this before it hurts you more, however turns out in the end do you really want your image to the world outside of Andrew to be tarnished? No! I didn't think so.... Your being watched by your own and Andrews's peers and for your own sake, you need to appear strong.

 

Don't buy a puppy, you don't need the extra need of care on you just now. Much better to go and see your sister and take hers for a walk. It will get you out of the house and keep you distracted.

 

Today IS the last day you will try and contact Andrew unless he chooses to contact you. OK?

 

Millmogs

[De Tourvel]

Day 11?

 

thank you millslog.

 

I know, yes it was foolish. I'm already making up for my mistakes. I have to start from day one again (Stupid me). I'm gonna be at disneyland tomorrow, well just downtown disney to have dinner with a friend of mine.

 

I'm alright. I got my nails done and toe nails done and I looked fantastic. I just did absolutely everything to get andrew off my mind by getting myself tired. I cleaned the house, watcho some movies, worked out till I'm out of energy, and pretty much I met my sis friend's parents and they are wonderful. Well, firts she (sis) called me saying "hey, I got a new B----(female dog)"....I was like "what????You have a new boyfriend?!" and she was like "No, a doggy." I laughed and she invited me see all the cute puppies. They (The family) is actually giving me the puppy for free. I was like neat.

 

That day yesterday

was great....Keeping myself busy was excellent. Thank you for your help. You right mills....I'm ruining my own dignity and self-respect again by making myself look like a stalker and linger weird girlfriend. It is over between me and andrew...I must redeem myself from my foolosih action. I promise you guys and myself that I will put all of my subjective decisions aside and be objective.

 

THANK YOU *hugs

[JadedStar]

If i had seen your last post before millog i would have said the exact same thing. Please dont do that again, it will appear you enjoy punishing yourself at some point. We all make mistakes, just don't do that again! Please. We all are trying to help best we can.

[De Tourvel]

Day ????

 

Today is an odd day today. Andrew called me this afternoon to talk. Weird though, I don't have that lovable feellings to him. I came hom and his like parked in my drive way. I invited him in (To be polite). I made him sit at the formal living room because I havent' seen him in 2 weeks.

 

The fool actaully apologized. He said it as my fault, but I said you had a choice....your choice was to threw me acroos the room. You were having tunnel visions. I apologized too for not giving him his spaced. I told him I'm ok that I am free from the things that is tormenting me.

 

He still said that I look beautiful as always. (awww...im so flattered). Pretty much we just talked about the problems in the relationship, and I just told him it's not going to work out. I want it to work out, but you didn't. I'm done. Guys, I think I'm gonna be ok. You don't have to worry anymore. The clubs did help a lot to gain some of my confidence...and yeah. Thank you everyone and I thanks myself too for giving me the strength. love you all.

 

*hugs

[EvaGina]

 

Thats awesome sweetheart... I hope you feel great about it!

-hug-

[millmogs]

De Tourvel,

 

Really pleased for you that you are moving forward. Remember, we have all recognised it's not been your job to solve Andrew's issues, glad you have managed to keep it that way.

 

Very important rule now listen OK. Don't let the new puppy hang out in the formal living room

 

Take care of yourself

Millmogs

[Hope75]

De Tourval,

 

Interesting how he apologized with conditions and then immediately turned it around and blamed you for it. That's not an apology.

 

And until he accepts that he let himself get out of control and owns what he did, nothing would change.

 

I am impressed that you did not cave to him- and proud of you that you are not going to take him back. You are a brave and intelligent woman and I'm glad you know that you deserve better.

[De Tourvel]

hey guys...

 

Umm....I'm kinda seeing someone I know I know...too soon, but I'm not jumping into any relationship. Just flirting and having a blast hanging-out with each other, you know confidence I feel so.....wonderful. I don't miss him anymore. I'm free...My new guy is a cutie, so I got a few kisses., like I said its just flirting (He understand..were taking it really slow). It's so nice feeling wanted again. Gosh! I can't believe that I was lingering over my ex.

 

Yes he apologized and blamed me for his violent temper, but I don't really care anymore. It's done, the past is not important to me anymore....just another learning experience.

 

 

yeah, Millslog....I should not make the puppy come near the formal living room. It already peed in my parent's informal rug, lol

 

 

Thank you everyone LOVE YOU ALL

[Atticus90]

Good job with everything that has happened. I'm glad you didn't get back with that jerk. The guy that your kinda seeing. Make sure you let him know that you just got out of a intense relationship so he knows what he's getting himself into lol.

 

I gotta admit, you got over this pretty fast. Faster than most people do.

[De Tourvel]

honestly, i never expected to get over it fast. i got to admit that it was very difficut for the first week for me. All sad and moppy.... yeah.....I was depress. Everyone's advice about no contact really works, just like go out, have fun...just keep yourself busy. It made things easier for me.

 

Don't worry, I told the guy about my last relationship that I'm not in a rush to be someone's girlfriend immediately. He understands, but he can't wait to see the future ahead of him with me he said It is very strange how things are going pretty decent, lol.

 

Well, talk to you all later...I'm too tired and stuff.