My boyfriend threw me across the room...was it my fault?

[avman]

Pushing someone out of the way is one thing. Throwing them accross the room and making a fist is entirely another matter.

[musicguy]

no man has any right to hit any woman in any situation

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You need to GET OUT of this relationship and reclaim your self-esteem. Begging, kneeling on the floor, grabbing him so he won't leave...do you realize he has emotionally beaten you down so much that you have resorted to debasing yourself? His emotional abuse has now turned into physical abuse. He is trash and not worth your time. If he thinks the sun rises and sets on a woman who cheated on him with his boss, that is his problem. Your co-dependence on him is exactly his co-dependence on his ex. I also wonder if he treated his ex the same way he treated you and that is why she ended up cheating on him. Run away from this man. He is not worth your time.

[De Tourvel]

I loved this man so much that I would defend him from my own family. We both have very different principles and I knew that. His mother doesn't like me always calling me a monkey because I'm not blonde and blue eyes girl. I endured his families critism to avoid any arguments. his own sister started yelling at me because all I said was "I can't call guys on the phone, because its against my tradiotns and it is seen as a slutty actions." I came from a different culture. I can't be americanized. and I'm not dumb...I have self respect to myself (well not anymore). He just let her shout at me. He told me it was normal. He didn't even defend me. I went through a lot with this guy to please him.

 

Next thing you know your ina routine that everytime we break up then we would have make-up sex then back together. I felt like a ..I was never like this....I gave him my virginity because I love him....I lost my dignity, my self-respect....i have nothing. All I can do now is continue and always love him. Im crying right now becasue jaded star's advice and comments is not very helpful and she is saying I caused my own abused.

 

Yes I cause my own abused for showing him too much that I love him. how I would cry every time he would break up with me. He threatens me of a break up every time his angry because he loves the control. I can shed more tears for this.

[JadedStar]

no man has any right to hit any woman in any situation

 

If a woman hits a man (separately from this issue) he has a right to defend himself. Violence is WRONG be it from a man or a woman.

[Scotcha]

I agree 100% that making a fist was out of line. But: If someone is blocking you from leaving and holding onto your leg to keep you from going.. How else do you get them away from you? Trapping a person causes those flight or fight endorphins to kick in, trust me, I know first had. If you can't flee, you fight, even if it's against a girl. It is not his fault he is male and it is entirely too easy to push a female accross the room when you only mean to push them away. Remember, endorphins. It's very likely he didn't even realize how hard he pushed her because he was trying to ESCAPE.

[JadedStar]

All I can do now is continue and always love him. Im crying right now becasue jaded star's advice and comments is not very helpful and she is saying I caused my own abused.

 

Please re read all of my posts. I did not say that. I said that i did not see the comment about him throwing you and making your face bleed. It at first run seemed you were keeping him from leaving and detaining him and he pushed you out of the way. Someone else also got the same feel i did first go around.

 

I know you are hurting, but my other advice stands firm. You cannot make someone love you, and you CAN do more than just sit back and love him. You do not have to let him back in your life.

 

You cannot let something one stranger says in a post create your feelings. You have to learn to be stronger and take up for yourself in ANY situation. YOu have a lot of different viewpoints here, don't just concentrate on one.

[avman]

De Tourvel, I think you should look into some counseling for this. The more you explain the situation the more I think you have really let this guy injure your very soul. You need to respect yourself enough to leave this guy and never go back. This relationship has been a disaster for you all the way through.

 

Admitting you love him is fine, I'm not going to try to talk you out of that. But you cannot go back to him under any circumstances. It is not healthy for you. And you need to work on somethings about yourself before you are ready to get into another relationship.

[JadedStar]

Yes I cause my own abused for showing him too much that I love him. how I would cry every time he would break up with me. He threatens me of a break up every time his angry because he loves the control. I can shed more tears for this.

 

 

I have nothing but empathy for your situation, but I will not be blamed for it.

 

I wish you nothing but the best. I hope you truly see this situation clearly and understand you are co dependent and clinging to a man that you need to let go.

[agent1607307371]

Nowhere did she say she was clinging onto him.

 

From the description the OP has given, I'd say that he either knew, or just didn't care.

 

Either way, she did not cause him to throw her into a wall, make her bleed and then come at her with a fist.

 

OP, you are not responsible for the abuse this guy has put you through, but you have to take responsibilty for getting away from it. This whole situation sounds horrific.

[Dako]

DT,

 

However you ended up with this guy, please believe that this is a bad situation. You did nothing wrong.

 

You have an abusive guy, and you need to get away from him.

It's a hard thing to hear, but you deserve better. This guy is ruining your self-esteem and mistreating you, and you keep adapting to his treatment.

If you continue this, you'll become one of those abused women who craves abuse.

[De Tourvel]

thank you everyone for the advice. thank you too jaded star. I guess i was out of line for blocking him. I don't know anymore if I was right from stopping him getting his space but the more I read the posts....I'm begginning to think that I caused my own injuries. I caused it to happen to myself and I deserved it. It's funny because Im crying right now and every spirit in me is broken. I;m never right in this situation. I didn't want him to be angry, I just don't want him to keep leaving and I especially don't want him to leave that night. I wanted him to get over it. I just want him to stay because I miss him all day and I prepared a wonderful night for the both of us. I wish I didn't delete his ex-gf number because I know how much she is meant for him.

 

its ok everyone. I caused it to happen to myself. I understand. I shouldn't have blocked his way. i deserved being thrown...it was my fault. I'm sorry....I should have listent to him about space...It was a normaly reaction of him accidentally hurting me.

[DN]

I think the issue here is that you are way too dependent on him and he is too controlling and has too much anger - that creates volatile situations which neither one of you are equipped to defuse at the moment. You should have let him leave but he should not have reacted so forcefully. You were not a danger to him as such and there was no need for him to be so violent.

 

At the very least you two need a long period of time away from each other. You, so that you can gain a sense of yourself by yourself and not be so dependent on him, or any other man, to validate your existence. You need to learn emotional independence.

 

And he needs to understand what being in a relationship means as well - he has no respect for you as a woman and he will never learn it while he is with you. He also needs to learn to control his temper while in stressful situations.

[musicguy]

you're boyfriend has some major issues and needs help

[Scotcha]

Yes I cause my own abused for showing him too much that I love him. how I would cry every time he would break up with me. He threatens me of a break up every time his angry because he loves the control. Thank you jaded star for the pathetic advices and comments. I can shed more tears for this.

 

I don't think you should be shouldering all of the blame for what happened. The only time I have every felt the way you have described is when I loved someone who was emotionally abusive. It's a very desperate feeling.

 

Regardless of what happened or why or who's fault, it doesn't really matter. The bottom line is that situations like that would NEVER happen in a healthy relationship.. A healthy relationship won't leave you crying and begging.. It is really better for you that you get out of this relationship once and for all so that you can begin to heal.

[JadedStar]

The more I read your posts, the more you seem a very troubled woman whose self esteem is being crushed. YOu should not have deleted the phone number. Yes. After reading more posts from you, it is clear that he is flaunting this ex and the relationship to you. It STILL does not make it right to decide to delete the number, but he should not have done that. But since he has proven that this is how he is, please understand this, and if you can really understand this then it can help you later in life - just because we love someone we cannot MAKE them love us back. He has mistreated you and not shown you the love you crave. Over time, the more you craved that love and didn't get it, you started to lose yourself. You sound like your very reason for living is to love him. You are starting to sound like a classically abused woman. You have to get out of this relationship. Mental abuse is far harder to heal than most physical. Your bloody cheek will heal quicker than your tormented soul will at this point. You have tormented yourself trying to make him be the man you want him to be, and for whatever reasons he can't and won't be.

 

Please leave him, and try to find therapy to heal these inner hurts. I do not suggest you jumping into another relationship for a good long time. You are so co dependent with this man that you need to take a good long time of leaning on yourself. Going to therapy. Learning to love and forgive yourself. Just the very fact that you fixated on my post, the first one where i admitted my confusion on the details, vs hearing all of this other advice is proof that you are just bound to torment yourself emotionally. This is a lack of self esteem causing this. Please help yourself and get therapy.

[De Tourvel]

I'll be alright. I just have to pick my self up and continue with what's left of me. I have become too co dependent to him and I lost myself. I have no anger with jaded star but thanks. Everything in me is shattered. My father wants me to go in a long vaction, but it wouldn't help because after the vacation the pain would be back again. I have to be objective and continue with my education and see what my future will be someday and his future too.

[musicguy]

i deserved being thrown...it was my fault.

 

You did not deserve to be thrown at all and it's not your fault. He should have known better

[EvaGina]

I agree with Jadedstar. Although I DO NOT agree with physical violence, it seems that she was clinging so hard that he needed to use force to get her off.

 

and apart from that incident, yes, he was in the right for getting angry and leaving.

To be honest, OP, you sound far to immature to be in a relationship at the moment. You DO NOT go onto someones phone and delete numbers just because they are the ex's... and when you mess up, you do not throw a hysterical tantrum becuase they want to leave, you take responsibility for your mistakes.

 

EDIT: sorry, I hope I dont sound to harsh, I have been in your place before, but you will never be happy in a relationship until you learn to control yourself -hug-

[JadedStar]

I'll be alright. I just have to pick my self up and continue with what's left of me. I have become too co dependent to him and I lost myself. I have no anger with jaded star but thanks. Everything in me is shattered. My father wants me to go in a long vaction, but it wouldn't help because after the vacation the pain would be back again. I have to be objective and continue with my education and see what my future will be someday and his future too.

 

I truly think you should take your father up on that offer. It might be just what you need right now. A long vacation away from him. Time does heal wounds ... the pain will lessen in time the longer you are away from him.

 

When i first read your original post, the extent of your emotional torment was not clear. We can all, I do believe, advise you in unison to GET AWAY from this man. While you still have a chance to.

[pinkelephant]

Is it your fault? Kind of.

Is his behaviour acceptable? No.

Is yours? No.

 

I think that you are not capable of being in a healthy relationship and that you need a lot of time to work on yourself. Also, when people want to leave, you do not get in their faces! You let them go!

 

I agree with Jadedstar (btw, i like your sn), you seem to have a controlling problem. I was a lot like you (not that I'm a lot better now - i still am very controlling) but you need to perhaps see a councillor or something for it.

[Echo]

DT..everyone here has given you great advice. This guy is a complete and utter loser..and a piece of crap for a man. I'm sorry if it bothers you for me to say that..but he has done NOTHING to benefit your life.He has dragged you down emotionally, spiritually, and now has resorted to violence. I understand you wanting him in your life....but you don'T NEED him.

 

I think right now he's like your drug..and you are the junkie. On some level you need the drama in your life..because it somehow makes you feel alive, regardless of how badly he treats you. This is a very very vicious cycle of abuse sweetie.It's the part when you guys "makeup" that keeps you coming back. I guarantee once you are away from him, those feelings will fade. Learn to love yourself and be ok by yourself. I bet in time

even if you got back together,you would wonder what you ever saw in him in the first place. Thats what emotional distance does.

 

Please get away fom this loser.

[Scotcha]

Nowhere did she say she was clinging onto him.

 

I was holding his leg to not go

 

But I feel that the emotional issues and co dependency expressed in DT's thread are of far greater concern, especially after reading the last few posts. The relationship seems to be a downward spiral and I hope you get out.

[mariposa81]

You definitely sound like the classically abused woman and I definitely think that you need to get counselling to help you find yourself again. This man has had too much control for too long and the fact that you're taking full responsibility for his abusive actions exemplifies this.

 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get some help. Forget who's at fault in this isolated incident. It doesn't matter. In general, the way he has been with you in this relationship isn't in anyway your fault and he's a sorry excuse for a man in my opinion and the opinion of everyone else in this thread. He sounds like he has some serious issues, as do you as a result of being in this unhealthy relationship, and as a result of being subjected to them for so long, you have ZERO self-esteem left.

 

Don't go back to him. Instead, get some help, get your self-esteem back, grow and learn to love yourself first. If you loved yourself to begin with, you would've stopped tolerated this a long time ago. Take some time to heal and love yourself again.

[EvaGina]

I dont know if its all his fault

If she clung to him from the beginning, has always been overbearing... then its reasonable to think he will reach a breaking point...

Im NOT saying he was right in throwing her, but it was obviously the last straw...