I've finally reached the point

[swtsmr93]

I posted a novel on another board here and won't repeat it.

 

But the events of the past year have put right on the edge of finally doing this.

 

I have battled, and lost, against depression so debilitating I often can't get off the couch. I have lost jobs, friends, family, relationships, because of this.

 

I have started over too many times to count. And look where I am again.

 

I lost a child in October of 2006. She was stillborn.

 

I just found out the guy I had been with married a woman he dumped me for 6months after they met and he bought her this fabulous home for her and her 3kids. But he never spoke to me after I told him I was pregnant.

 

I wake up each morning repeating I want to be dead over and over. The pain is crushing as so many of you stated here.

 

I miss my little girl that I never got to know. I miss him even after all of the horrible things he did--other post details this.

 

Last night I stood on my balcony and had to fight the urge to jump. My dog is the only thing that stopped me.

 

I'm in counseling on an unbelievable amount of medication and it still just gets worse.

 

I am consumed with such intense self hatred. I just want to stop hurting.

And remembering.

 

I'm afraid to say anything to anyone about how bad it is. I don't want to be hospitalized because I've been there before and it does not help.

 

Can anyone help?

[Yvette84]

I've been there. Only one thing helped. Giving up my life to God. You're probably thinking, "yeah whatever" and I was too, until I tried it, FOR REAL. you've got nothing to lose and everything to gain. PM me if you want to talk or have any questions.

[adahy]

Hang in there. I've gone thru periods of self-hatred, but the skies did clear. There are good things waiting for you.

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

imma tell u what my mom always told me

[vesper]

hey I was trying to write something this morning and I got distracted.

 

 

I have one answer for you:

 

Push your self as far as you can go physically. Rock Climbing, bikes, surfing, sky-diving, dont know when the mental gives out, you are going to have to rely on your body to help you. Even if it is like joining a construction crew really... Don't give up! There is WAAAAYYYYY more to life than love. A lot more. Open your eyes and see the beauty around you. xxx

 

vespar. (RIP in venice , soul forever lives on in the pacific ocean xxx):splat:

[Spugly Fuglet]

I've been there. Only one thing helped. Giving up my life to God. You're probably thinking, "yeah whatever" and I was too, until I tried it, FOR REAL. you've got nothing to lose and everything to gain. PM me if you want to talk or have any questions.

 

 

Yvette84 has a good point, and she really do know what your feeling, Im not a christaion but faith can heal where other thing can not, if this helps in any way then please try it, If you have not all ready I would sugest you PM her, and she will tell of her pain and how she found a way out of the darkness.

 

I will add this, right here and now is where your life can be made or broken, The guy who treaded you so badly HE DID THAT TO YOU, in no way do this make YOU and bad persion, As a woman you lose a child is a pain I will never know, but here and where you live there are other who have had and are having that pain, talk to them get all the hert out and see it foe what it is greaf and loss. But please you must life and carry on living to honor thows taht have gone onto darkness. I know its hard, I have had darkdays all my life and I fight them all the time but thats becouse I have an illness and have had years to deal with it, I really feel for you beouse this has come out of the blue

but life a storm it will pass, Feel the loss and then let it go, this dos not mean you will ever stop loving your baby its about servivle and moveing on to a life where you can honor her.

 

Always remember you are the master of your own mind and life at some point you will know when the moring in over, and when its time to open the windows and let some light back in. But when your ready,your healing now and so need help there, keep seeing the doc and counlers there, if it gets really bad go to the docs, but take each day as it comes and remember your getting better even if you dont feel it.

 

Last of all forgive yourself, most of what has happoned to you was out of your control, nothing you could have done would have changed any of it, it was none of your doing and so why are you seeking to take the blame.

Forgive yourself, your human, the best we do is try to do our best, what can man or god ask then that.

 

 

All the best and we will be here for you

Spugly

[swtsmr93]

I appreciate the words here.

 

But...why is there always a but...I am just at the lowest possible point right now without actually following through.

 

The depression has been so long term and it was 7 years ago this weekend that I was hospitalized for the first time. Involuntary due to an attempt.

 

In 7 years things have gone from bad to worse. I know I am not a victim here. I know that my decisions got me here.

 

But if I had known 7 years ago the pain would be even worse than I thought possible, I would not have stopped then!

 

I take my meds, I go to therapy, I am trying hard to battle social anxiety that has me holed up in my apartment, I read, and I am still at the point where I am screaming but no sound is coming out.

 

I miss my little girl that I never knew. I had someone on another board accuse me of making up the pregnancy and "preying on innocent people" because I was not making sense in my posts(I wasn't)plus I entered the wrong number of weeks I was when I lost her.

 

Of course more to the story but why this hurt so bad from a virtual stranger I don't know except they were venemous in their statements.

 

I know there aren't any quick fixes. But I wanted to post here one more time just to try. I am that desparate--wait that's not an insult.

[vesper]

Look, I know it may not seem like there is any reason to live for tomorrow, but seriously you have to tell yourself that you WILL die another day, not today, and NOT by your own doing. Can you agree to these terms????????

 

x

 

vesper

[swtsmr93]

I honestly do not know. I am not seeing the value of dying another day when the other days keep getting worse.

 

I am trying so hard to hold for the time to pass and the pain to lessen on but it's slipping away and I don't think I want to stop it anymore.

[Mr. Mysterious]

I honestly do not know. I am not seeing the value of dying another day when the other days keep getting worse.

 

I am trying so hard to hold for the time to pass and the pain to lessen on but it's slipping away and I don't think I want to stop it anymore.

 

I know you don't believe this, but the truth is that somewhere out there, someone is ready to give you everything you have ever wanted or desired in life.

You just haven't met him yet.

If you quit this life, then you will just have to do it all over again, and for what?

What will it have been worth if you quit at this point?

Deep inside you KNOW I'm right. You KNOW that the right person for you is living and breathing and waiting. It's now just up to you to make the decision to get yourself back to the right state of mind so that you will be ready to meet him.

 

Good Luck.

[ruf]

i cant imagine how you feel, but i love you. and i want you to find yourself again, all the best

[swtsmr93]

It's not just about the man though.

 

It's our daughter, it's the mistakes I make over and over again, it's the fact I am going to be 38 soon and I have spent more of my life sleeping than awake because that's my escape. Again, I know I am not a victim! But I have genuinely tried so many things and so many ways to improve me and I always let up and fall right back in.

 

The part that is the man is the knowledge that he chose another woman over me and that she IS the better woman. I am clearly a wreck, and I hid a lot of that from him, but he knows it all now and no one would want to deal with all I have done and all that is me.

 

Just look at what I have posted here! I do not blame him anymore and I'm actually sorry he had to know me.

 

ruf that is very kind of you to say.

[vesper]

38 is very young and you still have the rest of your life. I suggest you make a very quick change of attitude and realize how many things you are blessed with quickly. You have to pick one thing that gives you hope, for instance, Enotalone and just go for it. !! x best vesper

[vesper]

BTW, I cant believe how many grammer and spelling errors I have made! I apologize, its v shameful.

[swtsmr93]

You are right vesper and I know this cognitively.

 

It's the pain that's not responding.

 

I saw my pdoc today and for the first time I did not tell her how bad it really is. I don't even know why.

 

I can't explain it very well. It's just this sense of finally giving in and sort of floating or drifting off.

 

I am sure it seems very silly to someone reading this. I read another post about seeking attention instead of help by posting. Maybe I am I don't know anymore. I only know that I do not have friends, family to turn to and I have tried the hosptials, Dr.'s and helplines to no avail.

 

Thank you for reading and for the replies.

[vesper]

Have you thought about seeking counceling or therapy on a regular basis? Maybe even joining a group therapy forum? You should remember that we here at ENA are your friends and you are not alone. You can post as much as you want to get your feelings down on paper and someone will always listen to you here. Except that at some point, YOU are going to have to take some responsibility for your happiness and well-being, STOP blaming other people for your woes, and turn a new leaf. You are still Very young and there is a lot to life. You may consider joining a church also. Religion and Spirituality can have a tremendous healing power. DON"T be afraid to ask for help.

 

BTW, I dont really look like my avatar. Im actually probably 2-3 dress sizes wider/larger than vesper.

 

and YOU, keep posting if it helps.

[swtsmr93]

I am in therapy on a regular basis. That's part of the defeat. I really like my therapist and in all of the years she happens to be the most effective.

 

The only point I disagree with is that it's anyone elses fault. I KNOW it's my fault--I know that I have made all of the decisions to get to the point that I am at. The other stuff hurts me but it's not THE reason for these present thoughts.

 

It's that I have not learned a thing over the years! And I have caused a lot of pain to others and myself because of sheer short sideness and flat out selfishness.

 

I literally hate myself from head to toe--I wear either extensions or a wig because of male pattern baldness and yes I am female. I managed to get that awful nail fungus on my big toe so I mean literally! Doesn't this all sound attractive.

 

I'm stuck and I know it. I am throwing up all of the reasons why I should not live and my only thought now is that if I keep writing why not I will see why.

[swtsmr93]

vesper I do not have children. My baby girl was stillborn last October.

[gaia_t]

ok, so I've never attempted suicide, because I care too much about how it will hurt other people, mainly my mother, but I can tell you that sometimes, I too wish I were dead, and think about what would happen if I did kill myself. I've been there... in that deep dark tunnel that looks like your never going to see the light, but I have two words of advice...

A) if your heavily medicated, that may be the first thing thats wrong... you probably didn't find the correct anti-depressant yet

and B) talking about things with a good phsychologist, phsychiatrist, or ANYONE who can really listen will help you sort out so many things you were never able to do yourself in your own head...

I still feel messed up, but talking about things always helps... especially with someone who actually listens and gives you advice on how to deal with things

 

and remember, once you've hit a low, the only way you can go is back up again...

 

life is full of hard times, but also full of good... try to embrace the good, and more good things will start coming your way... I know it sounds rediculous... but it's soo true... good attitude leads to something amazing... even though it's hard. try little by little.. eventually, you'll be able to pick yourself back up again...

[kayasgranny]

Life really sucks at times but if you give up now, you will never meet that one amazing man that will change your life or have a child that might change the world.

 

You need to refocus and find a positive environment, this board is not it. Get off of the computer and get out and meet people