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swtsmr93

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  1. buba I think you are exactly right and it is an addiction and that is why it's such a hard thing to break. This is not a negative but I do not think you will ever be able to never look back. I was married for 7 years and I know that I don't think of my ex everyday anymore I know I will always think of him. I've had a really hard time looking back on memories with anything other than hate and resentment after relationships because I hate the way they have ended. It was just recently that I thought about how I felt at that moment something really good was happening or the memory of a time and how I felt at that time. I normally end up feeling horrible afterwards about what I no longer have. But this time I decided to sort of parcel it into it's own. It was a beautiful memory of a time I cherished and I didn't detract from that with the feelings of loss. I am probably not making any sense! But what I am trying to say is that in each post you are really hard on yourself about where you should be or feel. But if you set the bar too high it keeps that viscious circle going.
  2. I am very glad the meeting was not hard on you! It sounds like you handled it perfectly and walked away feeling really confident. I cannot imagine it going much better! I do not at all think it is harsh to not share details of your life with someone that is no longer really a part of your life. Even when we want might want them to know how things are going or how they would like to know something or even want to participate, you are taking care of you and your life. I tend to think of it as people do not get to have it both ways: know the details of my life and not be in it. I do not know that this is a great approach though because it sort of seems angry and if you don't play with me I'm going home! It's interesting you mentioned the defence mechanism. I don't get that sense at all. I get really caught up in those thoughts and then gauge if my response was correct or not! Even if it were, it was what you needed at the time and I think that's even better. Are you interested in pursuing a relationship with the guy you met? I am envious of your progress but also happy for you--even though we obviously don't know each other! Odd how that works but I am glad you provided an update.
  3. buba it does seem like it's hurting and survive. That is the really hard part of all of this. As long as you keep telling yourself you are a mess, unfortunately it is the place you will stay. I know how hard this is. I agree that it's really not starting at the beginning even though it seems like it.
  4. buba this is really rough. I can so relate to the hating yourself and the sense this will never change. I know I can tell you things that you already know about how this will get better and you should not be hating yourself. I know those words are sort of hollow when you do not see any light at the end of the tunnel. What do you think will help you for today? Just today. When you start to think about the phone calls, my only recommendation is to redirect and think about only what is in front of you for the day. Even if it's nothing official. There is food you will need to eat and that sort of thing. The phone calls, well they happen. I have not broken actual contact(I won't give him the satisfaction)but I have looked for him on line. We had this really odd ironic contact through an on line dating thing but he changed so many of the details on himself I did not know it was him when I initiated contact. The main thing is to try really hard not to beat up on yourself too much! Each time you start to think something about hating you stop and ask yourself what good will this do me? If you need anything please feel free to PM me. I wish there was more to offer you right now as I can just feel the pain in your words. Take care.
  5. buba you have GOT to stop telling yourself you are pathetic and all of the other negative things you are repeating. From reading your posts, you have worlds more going for you than I do for me and I have to say I am envious of this!! You will not have the same or similar chemistry with each man no matter how kind they are to you and that does not make you anything other than human and not at all wrong, etc. Now don't start beating up on yourself because you are stuck either. It is what it is and you know what to do even if you don't know how to feel your way out of it. Have you ever been in a stuck car or truck and tried to get out without being pulled out? You have to move back and forth a little at a time and sometimes you can get out. Sometimes you cannot get out on your own. Other times the back and forth just gets you more stuck! In other words, sometimes instead of doing something we have to do nothing other than sit with it. I am really starting to see that we have to go through things in pieces rather than whole. Who said we had to be intact when our worlds are turned upside down and we liked our worlds before?! Vampire my sister lives in Hawaii! I am of the opinion that the opportunity to prove to yourself that you can be in the same city or area or go to the places you once went is way over rated! And especially at this point in the process. Both of you have my good thoughts and peaceful vibes. I am finding a great deal of strength in reading your posts as from my perspective it is very clear that both of you are so much more than this person and this pain right now. If you were telling your story at the age of 95 would this even be part of it? And if so what part? Take care!
  6. Ok you are NOT stupid. You are NOT the things that you are telling yourself. Someone mentioned on another post about all of the energy that it takes to keep the demons in the closet(I am paraphrasing)but I can relate to the massive amount of energy it takes to try and pry that door open just a sliver. I have resigned myself to the fact that until I am ready to really give this up I am stuck. And it's up to me to stay stuck. Please know that this is said with a great deal of concern and support: I think you are stuck and it's safer to stay stuck then say--you know what, he treated me like s*&(. I didn't deserve it and I don't deserve to pay for the rest of my life with regret over someone that was not my true partner. And he sucks BECAUSE he wasn't my partner especially when I needed him to be there. If anything, I would wish you the ability to get mad. Really mad. Not destructive to him or yourself. Just mad. It's not a permanant state. I find myself feeling silly that I am still thinking of him and using anger at him as that seems to keep my focus on him. But when I think of the anger I also find it easier to stop thinking of him on a constant aching basis. I don't know if this will help at all. I am trying to feel my way through this. I have found the most incredible amount of inspiration after reading old posts from very strong people. If you read my posts from even just earlier this week this is a massive turn around!! Please feel free to PM me if it would help. Take care.
  7. I pray the exact same thing buba. I don't think you can say how long you should be still mourning. And I think the pressure you put on yourself when you wonder why you are not farther along is hard on you too. I do think that at a certain point you just get fed up with feeling so badly that you will want to start to make changes. Have you been really angry yet or at all with him? That seems to be a key for me at least. I don't need him to know this or do anything to him with the anger but just touching upon is freeing in someway. I am starting to believe that I can feel that way again if I am willing to let myself. This is a dramatic change for me! I am not there by any means. I sincerely hope that you are able to get some peace.
  8. That is a great story and one I haven't seen. I do not know how to be the coffee either. I would guess it has to do with taking advantage of the lessons learned. Do you have to see your ex? I would not recommend it if there is not some absolute necessity. It would seem to keep the hurt going. There is no reason to impress him with how good you are at accepting all of this. You do not have to like it! You can remove yourself for the sake of yourself. Good luck and I hope you post
  9. Yes. I am sorry it was painful and not fun! I know I would not have been able to resist the temptations of driving by or going to places where we use to go, etc. Do you feel better now that you are home? Did it bring any sort of closure for you?
  10. It seems that this might be more nerve wracking than helpful. I can see the logic that he does not own the town. But I also think it is inviting a lot of heartbreak to go to the one place you would have the best opportunity to see him. Even if the likelihood of you actually see him is really remote, the fear that you might would seem to erase the ability to truly enjoy yourself. Now the other thing I wonder is if you are remembering the things you liked to do there before you met him or if you are remembering the places you went with him. We can let our minds convince us of just about anything I have decided. And I have done a variation of this previously(not from most recent guy)because I convinced myself I wanted to go just to go. What will happen if you see him? What will happen if you don't? Did your therapist want you to do this right now or was this something to get to at some time in the future?
  11. This is a really interesting thread and full of great things. Why are you going back? Will you be alone? When you think about the fear, break it down, what is it that you are afraid of exactly?
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