catfeeder

I'm glad you wrote that you don't care what these people think, as that is the key thing that will help you through this. The friend is not a friend, and I'm so sorry he chose this way of showing himself to be disloyal. I'd distance myself from him, and I'd treat myself to a nice pedicure. I wouldn't complicate my own pain from the loss of this friend with concerns about the foot fetish. That harms nobody.

Depressed people are each as unique as anyone else. Some like to post dark stuff or announce to the world how depressed they feel or discuss how they are handling it. Others may feel no shame about it but don't necessarily want to broadcast about it, and still others want to hide it as a private matter or might even feel ashamed of it and try to project the opposite. Sometimes that's so people don't worry about them (as was my case), and especially after a major life event such as a separation, presenting a lifestyle of normalcy can feel comforting and prevent ostracization. We can't speak for her, but most people who are active on SM put on their best face.

I would gently break up, and no, I would not attempt to be friends. That's too messy and would interfere with the natural course of progression to new relationships for each of you. I understand there's nothing wrong with the guy, and the two of you are intelligent enough to have made this work in the future but for two crucial deal breakers. First, years of long distance, and second, despite all the kindness and niceness, you never said that you truly love this man. Lots of people get along well. That's great for neighbors and friends, but it doesn't make a strong enough foundation to overcome all of your incompatibilities with this man. Go work your great career, you've earned that. Hold out for love, you deserve that.

Sounds to me like this isn’t a person who will deal with you on practical matters. She’ll use your desire to work these details as a game to force you to grovel and acquiesce before she’ll respond, and she’ll continue to toy with you about them. Skip that. Nothing is worth dealing with her anymore. You finally did the smart thing, and it makes no sense to allow belongings to be used to blackmail you into submission. I’d change my locks so the keys are useless, and I’d file a small claim for a court to get your money back instead of attempting to deal with her. I’d bet money she won’t deal with you otherwise, she’ll just turn it into a circus to humiliate you without ever complying. Don’t save small court as a last resort— just go straight there, and hopefully when she’s served, she’ll comply rather than face a judge.

Yes, I agree with what you consider to be the real motivation for tagging another with an amateur diagnosis. I’m describing the responses when someone calls them out on that. They default to, “I’m just trying to figure them out so I can help them…” rather than cop to what you’ve said. But my answer to either and any scenario is to walk away from anyone who mistreats you. That’s the most ‘helpful’ message you can send to them, and leave THEIR diagnosis to professionals. Focus instead on healing your Self.

It would be worth it to change your locks and call it a day. Consider it the cost of tuition for the most important lesson you’ve ever learned.

Whenever we ask people why they are so invested in diagnosing those who mistreat them instead of simply walking away, they say that they want to help them. But the best way to help such a person is to walk away. You can’t fix her, so don’t use her as a distraction from fixing yourself and your willingness to put up with abuse. Step one is to walk away, and only then can you be productive in figuring out why you stayed as long as you did.

The stuff is replaceable, just send her half the deposit then block her. It's taken you a year to liberate yourself--don't sabotage that for anything.

Oh, geez. I forgot about this part. OP, you don't need 'closure' from something that was never opened. The woman likely enjoyed being a pen pal until she got invested in her own real life. That's not a reflection on you.

Good. It might be helpful to consider that, generally speaking, people who are willing hold off on sex while continuing to date are often well aware that there are so many important things to invest in learning about a person beyond their body. On top of that, everyone has their own preferences, and contrary to what gets hyped by the sex industry, plenty of women prefer that men aren't large. I hope you'll go easy on yourself and enjoy getting to know this woman without psyching yourself out.

While the exercise of writing might help to clarify things in your mind and get them off your chest, I would not send such a message. Think about your intentions. Do you want to try to influence your ex in any way? If so, it's an attempt to manipulate her, and she'll see through it. If not, there's no reason to send it, because no matter how you slice it, the overall message behind your message would be, "I'm still so hung up on you that I can't manage self control, so instead of writing privately to myself, I'm sending this to try to influence you, no matter how unattractive it makes me appear." Don't do it. Understand that nobody can tell another when their grief 'should' subside, but I can tell you that healing isn't something that magically happens 'to' us. It requires our participation. Think of how you are spending your time, and if it hasn't been invested in tending to those friends and family in your life who you may have neglected in favor of this relationship, please consider reaching out to set up time with each of them. Make commitments you will not break. Whether you help a neighbor garden or clean out a garage, or you just treat someone to a drink or a meal and listen to them, it will move you out of your own way, and it will help you to 'normalize' and feel valued again. It leads to confidence as it gets you back out into the world. Our focus is everything. If you're ruminating, you're drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of, and you're making your own healing more difficult. If you can invest, instead, in pursuing some interests, hobbies, time giving of yourself to other people, you are making that climb forward one step at a time. Head high, and write more if it helps.

One tip for getting better grades would be to punctuate your sentences. While you may consider whether any other job might suit you better, if not, you'd only put yourself through the same resistance with another job. While you're describing the sinking feeling lots of people get when they don't want to end their time off and go to work the next day, the fact that you're doing this perpetually throughout the week is something you may want to contact your school's counseling department for help managing. Counselors can teach you tools and techniques for shifting your perspective in your own favor, and holding yourself accountable to them can help train you to do the exercises they can give you. However, while we can all use our inner voice in a more productive and encouraging way (like the voice of an inspiring coach instead of a saboteur), a counselor is also trained to assess whether something deeper needs to be addressed, such as depression or anxiety, or another condition for which you might opt for treatment. I'd also consider whether your resistance is an internal plea for your parents to allow you to remove this undesired thing from your schedule? If this is your first job, you might be longing for age 17, when such a thing was not required of you. At 18 you may not have yet reconciled that adults will no longer remove undesired circumstances from your path. It's something we've all had to accept, yet some people find this easier than others. If I could give my younger self advice, it would be that my own self talk can make things harder for me OR easier for me, depending on my own choice in how I frame things. If my inner voice is critical and resistant, I can talk myself into making things far more difficult than they need to be. As an adult, this was the most liberating thing I've ever learned how to change, and I wish I could have learned this when I was your age. Head high and write more if it helps.

No, our bodies often tell us what our mind doesn't wish to know. This isn't just visual. For instance, our sense of smell can unconsciously pick up the scent of another's immune system and signal a lack of attraction when theirs is too closely similar to our own. This is because, while our offspring might take on the height genes of one partner or the curly hair of the other, the immune systems of both partners combine to form a broader and stronger protection in our children. So our sense of smell seeks diversity in these genes. This is just only one example of why we can't force attraction. It's far more complex than looks or matching values and interests. As for trying to rush your urge to couple up, it's not helpful to sabotage your own psyche when you can mobilize, instead, to raise your odds of meeting more women. Expand your social life through meetup.org groups, community projects, volunteering for causes that matter to you, using dating apps, doing what it takes to meet people and cultivate friendships which can raise your chances of being introduced to more women socially. However, it's crucial to grasp the natural odds that most people are NOT our match. It's like trying to fit two puzzle pieces together. You can't force a fit without impacting the outcome--and wasting your time. We all view one another through a unique lens, and the right match for you will attract you. Some wrong matches might attract you, too, and that's true for everyone. It's why, the more important partnering is to you, the more resiliency you'll need to keep moving forward to meet more potential matches. Self sabotage won't improve your odds, and neither will social stagnation. Head high, you can do this.

This tells you all you really need to know. A partner is supposed to be someone we feel able to trust. This guy is not that for you. He's also no the only guy in the world. Find a better man.

She only became suspicious when he danced with her? The fact that, right upfront, he was hiding his texting other women from his GF--that didn't ring any warning bells for her? Anyone who is disloyal to their own partner is un-trust-worthy--for anyone to deal with. Allowing him into one's home is a flat out stupid move. I wouldn't put it past an un-trust-worthy person to be casing the joint for future access, capable of spiking a drink, stealing something, or anything else. I'd question this friend's judgment going forward. She wouldn't be my go-to source of advice, that's for sure.

Why? All this EX wants to do is meet the person who will be a mother figure to her kid. No lawyers required. If an ex puts conditions on child visitation to which the other does not agree, then obtaining legal advice for handling this is a valid suggestion. None of us can speak to his ex's motivations or intentions. He knows her far better than we do--we're strangers on the Internet.

It's never a good idea to try to keep someone in a relationship who is raising doubts. They're raising them because they want you to do the dirty work of respecting yourself enough to walk away. Head high.

That'll do it. When is the last time you had a confrontation with one of your parents about your sex life? It can certainly throw a wet blanket on things. You get to decide whether this woman matters to you enough to stop pressuring her. Her parent's home no longer feels like a safe place for her to have sex.

Good. It doesn't make sense to get involved in the middle of anyone else's breakup, whether married or not. That's not a moral finder wag, it's just practical self-protection. Feeling any need to spy on another's conversation positions you badly, because it's your signal that you're not in the right match. Head high, and while I'm sorry you needed to suffer this lesson the hard way, you did well.

In your shoes, I'd be asking a lawyer or legal aid, not us.

The woman doesn't even know how to apply for the job, much less pass all the levels of screenings and testing and internship hours. Really, it's not like she'd just need to pee in a cup, then she'd be handed a badge and gun. I wouldn't worry about this. Head high, and best of luck moving yourself forward.

Okay, great. That's a few weeks away, and your hobby, while engrossing, is solitary. Consider this social circle you'll see at the party, and reach out to some of those friends to hang one-on-one, or tend to family, or a neighbor, or whoever can use your help with something. The point is to be 'externally' busy and to cultivate your bonds with others instead of strengthening a reclusive tendency. This works best when you are motivated to move out of your own way. Not only is this a great healing technique, it can move you beyond reclusive tendencies, which tend to solidify as we age. When that happens, it's more and more difficult to reverse.

Yeah, he's disloyal. Not friendship material. I'd stop replying to him, and I'd avoid close dancing with him. If he asks you anything about not texting, I'd just be honest with him, "I'd heard that you didn't want your GF knowing about the women you text, and I'm not down with that." Boom, done. But I wouldn't allow his presence to stop me from enjoying the rest of the group. Think of it as navigating your way through a wedding reception. There's sometimes somebody who has a rep for groping or whatever, and you'd have no trouble avoiding him. Also, as is common safety practice today, be careful with your drink. Not only should you never leave it unattended, but even while standing with it, there are cocktail fitting lids for women that allow just the straw to poke through. But I'd still watch it, because the straw itself can get spiked.

If you want to defend son's position on this, that's not against the law. It just won't buy you anything. I'm with grandma. None of us are 'entitled' to assume the degree of our imposition on another. Son gets to live with himself for doing that, and if he wants to offend and disown his own grandmother over such a small thing, then he gets to live with that, too. He won't be able to make things right with her after she's gone. If you ever decide that he's making a mistake, then hopefully you're close enough with him to communicate that with him. Best wishes.

I can't speak to normal. However, since you've preferred porn over the inconvenience or whatever of pursuing real women, then I agree that it might be a smart idea to forego the porn if you intend to get sexual with a real woman. I don't personally consider it a matter of respect, as I believe in bodily autonomy and your right to do whatever you please with your own body in private, but I do believe that an excessive reliance on self sex can possibly impact your enjoyment or performance with a real woman. I wouldn't argue if you believe that I'm wrong about that--to each his own.