redswim30

Let me try this another way. You have a beautiful vase. It cracks. It's still beautiful, but it can't really hold water anymore. You don't like that you can't put flowers in it, but you don't want to throw it away and the vase can't repair itself. You don't want to repair it in known ways that you can, because you are worried about marring its beauty, even though it doesn't provide what you wanted it for in the first place. The crack keeps getting worse and worse and it's able to hold less and less water. Everyone tells you to either get rid of it or repair it, but you just want to keep it, desperately hoping that it will repair itself. All the while knowing that over time, it will just get worse if you do nothing. Finally, you decide to use some basic glue. It doesn't work. You try again, it doesn't work. You keep trying to do the same thing expecting that THIS time it will fix it, since glue OUGHT to fix a vase. People are telling you that they understand you don't want to get rid of it, but what's the point of having a vase that can't hold water. People are telling you the more expensive ways to repair it if you want to keep it, but you stubbornly keep using that same basic glue that you already know doesn't work. But you keep hoping that it will if you try a bunch of times that glue MAY possibly work or the vase will somehow miraculously repair itself, because you feel these things SHOULD work.

OP, please leave this bum. This isn't love. You are being used and abused. You can't be in a marriage of one. How can you help him if he won't give you information? And if he isn't, the only reason is that he doesn't want to- likely because he has even more to hide that he'd rather you not know about. Also, if not working more/a better job what exactly does he think gets one OUT of debt? Magic? Please start making an exit plan. There's no happy ending for you with this man- sorry, CHILD. Please protect yourself and get away from this abuser. You don't deserve this and you know it.

I'm not sure what you're looking for as advice at this point. Nothing is going to change with your wife until/unless you address it. You can't control her or her reactions. There's nothing you can say or do in such a perfect way that she is going to have a positive attitude about changing herself, trying to make her care about this or make her react "reasonable". You keep thinking there's something you can do to innately change who she is. It's a losing battle. (Ask anyone on here who has been divorced. You can't make someone change into who you need them to be.) Look, if your wife seemed even slightly invested in you or interested in change, I'd have different advise for you. But from everything you've said- her solutions to unhappiness are complaining, being mean and hypercritical to you, and just doing things like parenting behind your back. She has NO interest and just shuts down. In your specific case- since you can't control her, then your two options are live with things exactly as they are and stop complaining or thinking she will ever change or leave. And if you don't want to leave. Stop complaining. Stay married. Accept that this is how things are and everything that comes with that. I don't understand why you keep making excuses for her behavior. I hope you realize that tons and tons of women had bad childhood issues, hormones, and other problems that don't result in them being manipulative and not very nice to their husband. Don't kid yourself. It's a CHOICE she is making. It seems like you are hell bent on staying married. Then Stay Married. But don't expect your wife to ever change. If anything, it's going to get worse. If you want to stay married- accept that this is who she is and it's not going to change. Accept the occasional times she's in a decent mood and deal with her being terrible to you most of the time, knowing that's the exchange you are making to stay in a relationship with her. Your family is already broken, just not physically apart. Your wife is doing things without you, parenting behind your back, talking you down behind your back and has nothing but contempt for you, wanting to influence your daughter in some pretty awful ways (Also, kids pick up WAY more than adults give them credit for). Kids learn by what you show them. I sincerely hope your daughter doesn't learn some lessons from this that will cause her unhappiness. Ask anyone who has been in a long marriage- if you have issues like Stonewalling, Contempt, Criticism and Defensiveness, these don't get better over time. (Unless BOTH parties are willing to change, but your wife isn't) Best of luck to you with your mean wife. Hope she's worth it.

A few questions for you, OP 1. Does your husband work? If so, does he have a high pressure job? 2. How long were you together before you got married? 3. Were your problems similar to those now or different? You say you haven't seen improvement, but is anything better? 4. Why did you have a child with him if this was an ongoing issue? 5. Did you agree to be a SAHM and take on the bulk of things prior to having your baby? A first child is always difficult on parents and can really stress and strain a marriage in all the above ways you already mentioned. This happens even in the best of marriages. If you aren't on strong ground before having a baby, then it's even harder. But it will help to know what advice to give if you can paint a picture of how things were with your husband BEFORE having your baby and before getting married. That way we will better know IF- 1. He's just an abusive and entitled jerk that you just hoped would improve after marriage and a baby OR 2. If he is a first time Dad just doing his best and really struggling in his own ways. After having a clearer picture of then vs. now, I'll be able to better advise you.

Let me try and break this down for you. You can't even be HONEST with each other. You are hurt by her feelings and opinions (as you should be) because she IS saying she values your money more than you. Trying to mold your daughter behind your back? That's terrible. You need to consider if this attitude IS really best for your daughter. There's more to life (and relationships) than money. I know women that have divorced wealthy (and abusive) men. Is your wife going to educate your daughter that abuse for money is worth exchange? Honestly, you should be WAY more concerned about the potential damage this could do to your daughter to have her mother teach her to value wealth above all other qualities in potential partners. If I were you, I would absolutely bring this up. You have to put your own fears and your wife's comfort aside and prioritize the safety of your young and impressionable daughter. It can be INCREDIBLY dangerous to tell a MINOR YOUNG WOMAN to seek out wealthy men. This could become a SAFETY issue if your wife is not careful. There are a lot of bad men out there with money that proposition young women all. the. time. (and sadly I don't mean 18 year old women) I had it happen to me a LOT when I was a teen and pre-teen, and I wasn't even raised with the mentality of "seek out wealth". Your wife doesn't want intimacy with you of ANY kind- physical or emotional. She wants your money. WHY aren't your picking up on that when you are seeing it over and over in black and white? Perhaps she didn't used to be this way? Who cares, it's clearly who she has become. People DO change over time, why do you think so many people get divorced? Someone changed in a way that MADE them incompatible. If 'most men can give her exactly what she wants" then LET THEM. If she thinks she can easily find a wealthy man to put up with her nonsense and will just be her sugar daddy while she treats him like garbage. IMO, you should let her go so she can LIVE that dream. I think she's in for a rude awakening. LOL, the classic "MOST people are better than you" argument and the " there's nothing wrong with me" arguments your wife are making are both classic and hilarious. And they are both CLASSIC tactics of emotional manipulators (and it's working, she's got you thinking you're the "bad guy" in this!) and people who don't value you. My husband's ex did both. "Any man would treat me better than you"- oh shocker, no one wants her and she's alone many many years later. And "I am the best and every problem is YOUR fault"- then why isn't she with Prince Charming now? "No one else would ever want you!" Well, I did and we are incredibly happy. She thought she could treat him like garbage and he would never leave her. Well, he did. She got the shock of her life, and quickly discovered soon after divorcing that he was a much better man than she ever gave him credit for, that men in general ARENT okay with being treated like garbage all the time, that she WAS the problem, and that other people DID value him for who he was. You think it's too much to ask for your wife to be KIND to you? What's the point of being married if NOT to be nice to each other? If she already hates you and treats you like trash, why be married to you- oh right- your money. Your wife not wanting a divorce doesn't make her a good wife or mother, so let's get that straight. Are men that hit their wives "good husbands" because they don't want to get divorced? Are men that hit their children "good fathers" because they want to stay as a family unit? Extreme example, I'll grant you but you see my point- there are others ways to destroy a family than by leaving. Sometimes someone leaving is actually the HEALTHIEST option for the family. I respect people more that LEAVE a toxic situation rather than contribute to it or allow abuse or destructiveness in the name of "looking better to others". IMVHO, you sound like a really smart guy. But you are still in denial about your wife's true feeling towards you. If you don't bring it up to your wife, you can still pretend that that's not who she really is (or has become). I understand cause I did that in my first marriage. " If I don't address it, it's not real." This may not even be a conscious thought for you. But it's a game a lot of us play with ourselves when we KNOW our marriage isn't healthy or working, but we don't want to admit or accept it. If you think this woman is really worth all this- stay married. You can expect more years of disrespect, talking trash behind your back, hiding life lessons she is giving your daughter, using you for your money, generally treating you poorly and setting bad examples for your daughter. Good luck with all that.

Why are you desperately avoiding Option 3? If you can't talk about anything together, then you may as well get divorced and save both of you years of struggle for no good reason. By your own admission, you are basically already living separate lives anyway. You both wants things that the other cannot give you. What are you both holding onto here? If you have a good lawyer, divorce may not be as bleak as you imagine. Father's rights are just as important as a mother's and courts will not (and cannot, unless abuse is involved) prevent you from seeing your child. They also can't make you pay more in child support than you can actually afford, it's based on income- not what the other party "wants". It's why some Dads only pay $100 a month and others pay $2500 a month. I went thru this with my current husband and his ex who didn't understand why the court only made him pay what he could afford and not some outrageous and ridiculous number that she wanted. Yes, she will get some things. I guess you need to decide- are those things more important to you than your happiness and having a wife that actually loves and respects you? You can't change her. You can't make her care. If she's unwilling to even talk to you, please don't waste your time in therapy. You can't control her, you can only control what YOU do. So what are you going to do. She has told you repeatedly she has no interest in Option 1. So you need to pick between 1. Staying complacent with her forever 2. Getting divorced

If this is all true- your marriage has ZERO chance of survival. Problems don't go away magically. You HAVE to be able to discuss them openly and honestly- otherwise, your marriage is just a ticking time bomb waiting for ONE of you to get tired of it and leave. Everything else is just window dressing next to this BASIC problem/incompatibility. You have three choices. 1. Tell her you are not happy with the way things are right now and that you HAVE to talk together to try and work things out. 2. Learn to live with it forever. 3. Get divorced. I would feel more empathy for your wife, but it sounds an awful lot like she's approaching you and your lives together from a place of contempt rather than love. Comparing to other couple isn't helpful- "normal" is a myth and there's always going to be people in "better" situations than you and people in "worse" situations than you. Stonewalling you but then having energy to go party? I hope you realize how unhealthy and unhelpful this is to your marriage. Your wife seems totally checked out of your marriage. This being the case, review your above 3 options.

Plain and simple- you need to decide what YOU want- I don't think you really know. AND- you need to understand that you cannot control how people react to the decisions you make. Your wife wants to stay together, you don't. Or DO YOU? If you DO leave your marriage- You do not get to control her reaction. She may NOT want to be friends with you, your adult kids MIGHT be mad at you. But you cannot control their feelings or reactions. But one should never make choices that they know aren't right for them because they are worried it someone may disagree or not have a pleasant response? You seem to want both, and that's just not realistic. Let's be real- your wife is hoping to win you back on this vacation and you KNOW it. She could take one of your adult kids, a friend or another man. She has plenty of other options besides you, but she WANTS you to go. Don't be naive. Will you be able to say no if she wants to have intimate relations with you? If you DO want to stay with her. STOP DATING IMMEDIATELY. Go on this obvious reconciliation vacation and rekindle your marriage. You will 100% be giving up any hope with this other woman. But please do NOT go on vacation with your wife out of PITY or FEAR. That would not actually be a LOVING OR KIND gesture on your part unless you truly are in love with her and truly want to save your marriage. Also, your kids don't get a say. It's YOUR life, not theirs. When they are married, I expect they will decide if they want to stay married or get divorced and not just do what you want. If you have no interest in saving your marriage- DO NOT GO ON THIS VACATION. She's hardly the first spouse to make a desperate effort to prevent a divorce or to use emotional blackmail to win you back. If you can't stand the idea of her not being your friend, then stay in your marriage forever. Because what you absolutely cannot have is BOTH. You can't divorce your wife and get to control her reaction or feelings towards you. You can't date and still hold onto your wife. If you think making decisions based on other people's opinions/feelings will serve you well- then go for it. IMO, Basing life decisions on this rarely goes well. But if you care more about "people liking you" than being happy or doing what's best for you- go for it. I always say- you should never sacrifice your own happiness for someone else's comfort. It won't make you happy and you're just lying to her. In short- MAKE UP YOUR MIND. Do you WANT to stay married and give up everything else that goes with being single? NO woman alive is gonna be okay "dating you" while you're romantically vacationing w/your wife (which you BOTH know is what your wife thinks and expects- don't kid yourself). or do you WANT to get divorce- knowing there WILL be at least SOME fallout with your ex-wife and kids. (And you can't control their feelings/reactions) You have to make a choice. Right now, you have (as you aptly named your thread) made a mess. The mess is because you are trying to have everything. You want the security blanket of being married while being able to date- and that's not fair to anyone. Make a decision. Consequences come with either choice. Life is messy.

I understand. If we could make other people see and respect our POV, no one would ever be estranged, get divorced, end relationships. Just ask anyone who has ever been divorced. If someone can't adapt to another's needs, the relationship ends. This is a good life lesson for you, OP. There will always be people in your life- lovers, parents, friends-etc- that will think you have to believe everything they do or make every decision as they would. The beauty is, it's entirely YOUR choice whether to agree or not. But ANYONE (no matter your relationship) who tries to force you into something that isn't healthy for you, isn't someone who has your best interest at heart. It's important to know the difference between someone who really is considering what is best for YOU versus someone who wants you to "suffer as they did" or just to make a decision that they approve of- whether that is best for you or not. I've been there, so I deeply empathize. It can be very hard emotionally to enforce boundaries with someone who is unwilling to adapt, especially when we love that person. But utlimately, you have to do what is best for you because no one lives in your shoes but you. When I got divorced- for example, I had LOTS of opinions. " I WOULDN"T divorce him." Okay, but you're not me and you aren't married to him. Do what is best for you and don't feel guilty about it. WE shouldn't have to accept things that are unhealthy for us to appease someone else's comfort zone. Remember that. *HUGS*

Sorry your mother is putting you in this position, OP. Sounds like your mother is trying to live through you and has zero self-control. At best, she's a narcissist and at worse, an abusive parent. In either case, she cares more about her own feelings than even considering yours. I'm a firm believer in adult child/parent boundaries for this very reason. Some parents simply cannot let go of relinquishing the authority in that relationship. Since you have tried speaking with her honestly, she has already made the decision not to respect your wishes. All you can do in response is to NOT overshare with her and to choose to hang up until she either learns to respect your boundaries or else alters her relationship with you by refusing to adapt. Just as it can be hard for some parents to let go, it can be hard for adult kids to learn to set and enforce boundaries with their parents. I too had to do this with an overstepping parent. They were mad at me for a while, but I didn't back down. Eventually, they learned that if they wanted a relationship with me, they had to respect my wishes. Not every story ends like that, unfortunately. But she can only control you insomuch as you let her. Good Luck.

GIRL, RUN! RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION OF THIS MAN. Sorry, I meant- little boy.

3 years is a very short time for someone to suddenly go chaste for no reason. The good news is you aren't married. If she isn't willing to even discuss this with you, then you really have two options- 1. Break up (which is my suggestion) 2. Resign yourself that while you're with her, you will be in a chaste relationship. IMVHO, I really dislike that society uses the terms "throw away a relationship" as if it's an item or as if it's something you HAVE to stay in to be considered a "good person". Being in a relationship is a CHOICE and no one ever HAS to stay with you. It's a daily choice you make. If someone is turning into someone you wouldn't CHOOSE to be with or decide to go down a lifestyle path that you are uncomfortable with- you have every right to leave, it doesn't make you "bad" to leave a situation in which you are no longer compatible. It's like if a spouse suddenly starts abusing you, you aren't "throwing away" a relationship because you choose not to stay with someone who has now decided to start hitting you. BTW, withholding sex without a conversation or explanation or effort to even discuss IS a form of psychological, and emotional abuse. I say this all the time- We live in a society that promotes the "fairytale"- if you don't stay together FOREVER, you're somehow a failure. When the truth is- every single relationship ends. IMO, the view we ought to have is the honest one- There is no such thing as "forever"- in every single relationship you will ever have- someone leaves or someone dies. "Forever" is a made up myth. Some relationships are meant to last only a short time. Sometime we get what we needed from that relationship and we outgrow it and move on. Sometimes we realize we are incompatible and move on. Sometimes someone changes in a direction we cannot follow and we move on. You aren't a bad person for wanting to move on from someone who has made such a drastic change and is unwilling to even make an effort to discuss it or meet you in the middle. If I were you, I'd break up - but if you REALLY want to give it one more try- Try one more serious talk- Something along the lines of " I know this can be uncomfortable, but we have to talk about this new and ongoing issue in our relationship. I need you to discuss with me why your feelings about this changed and if you are willing to work on this with me. If not, we may need to talk about going our separate ways, as I have no interest in being in chase relationship." If she closes off and isn't receptive to this talk- there's your answer. If she really cares about you, then she'll be open to a discussion if she cares at all about losing you.

I'm so sorry for the spot you are in right now. Your wife is clearly wanting to make up for lost time and experiences. Perhaps she's realizing she hasn't lived as much as she should have before making a big commitment. Whether or not she regrets making it, I can't say- but she is definitely enjoying her newfound freedom. While I applaud you for not wanting to control her (and you can't even if you tried), you need to tread carefully here. Controlling someone and being their "keeper" is one thing- HOWEVER, it's also perfectly reasonable to set boundaries and communicate what you are and are not comfortable with. I know you said you have tried, but you need to be careful about crossing a line yourself in passive aggressiveness and resentment- which she will either tune out or want to "rebel" against. For example, if your wife is asking you to plan around when her friends can meet, try and see that as a good thing. Not that she's treating you as an "afterthought". The minute you start to ascribe what you think her thoughts and motivations are, you will be pushing her away. This is all new for your wife. I think what you need to do is to sit down and have a CALM conversation with her (without blame, anger, or passive aggressive-ness - things like "I'm not your keeper" aren't helpful) Say- " I'm truly happy for you to have some new experiences. I want you to enjoy yourself and have fun. But because this is new for us as a couple, I want to talk about how I've been feeling. I think we still need to make sure we are prioritizing our relationship and that we set some boundaries in which we can both be comfortable." And see how that goes. If you don't discuss this calmly and respectfully with each other, this could easily spiral out of control down the resentment path in which you just push further away from each other. It's a wise move not to bring a child into this current situation. This needs to be resolved first. If this conversation doesn't change things, then I highly recommend therapy.

You start this post by saying you're one of her "best friends", but- are you? You're being pretty judgmental about her personal decisions. You don't agree, so what? If you stay friends with anyone for long enough, chances that you will each do things the other disagrees with from time to time are pretty strong? So, why is this really bothering you? I understand you disagree about the "house gifting", but again- it's their wedding- they can ask for whatever they want. Chances of them getting a down payment from wedding money is doubtful, but honestly, lots of couples ask for cash and then put it towards whatever they want- whether you agree with their choices or not. Finally, if she really IS one of your best friends and being part of anything wedding related bothers you, then why not just TELL her? You're perfectly allowed to say you don't want to participate. Why don't you just do that if you hate it so much? If you really are as close as you say - she'll understand.

I have two thoughts about this- 1. I don't care at all if my husband wants to go thru my phone. There's nothing there that he cannot see. 2. BUT- he also shouldn't feel the NEED to do so. I think it all boils to the reason WHY. Are you doing it to "check up" on the other person? In which case, not cool. But if my husband's like " my phone died, can I use yours?" Sure, nothing on there he can't see.

I hear you and I empathize, OP. I see people all the time I think are terrible people that put on a phony act and people seem to LOVE them. I have seen exes be better partners to their new partners and wonder why they couldn't do that for me. I see people tell lies and watch other people swallow them hook, line and sinker even when there's no ounce of truth to them. It can be frustrating. I think it's very natural and human to have these kinds of feelings/reactions/emotions. The point is what you DO with them. For myself if I'm having a moment of irrational anger (and it sounds like you too, know it's not wise to stay stewing in resentment)- Here's some things that have helped me. 1. Say out loud to myself things like " How does someone liking them really impact my life?" "Them living their own life, doesn't really effect mine." "My ex being happy now doesn't change my past, why am I robbing myself of present and future joy?" "How does my ex being happy really change my present life?" Really think these thru, most of the time I end up feeling silly after a little while and it's easier to let go. 2. Focus on myself. Treat myself to something that's all about my enjoyment- a spa day, a meal I like, a video game, etc 3. What I like to call- FEEL IT ALL AND LET IT GO- (it's a Buddhist principle)- Allow yourself (while alone) to feel every single negative thought and emotion- say every awful thing- I tend to like screaming it in the shower when I'm home alone)- Sometimes just getting it all OUT- just feels cleansing and again, I often feel silly after saying or screaming it out loud, but THEN- I LET IT GO. These have all been helpful tools for me.

May I ask why you're uncomfortable going out with his family when he was willing to live with yours? You're married, so his family IS your family. This doesn't make sense to me. IMO, This seems a bit unfair and somewhat passive aggressive on your part. If he's putting in effort to be with your family (live with them) and you are resistant to even spending time with his. I personally think two things need to happen, if you are reach a happy compromise wherein neither of you becomes resentful of the other. 1. Start doing more hobbies, activities and meeting friends of your own (that aren't your sister or mom). Even if you're saving money, you can do some free or pretty inexpensive things. Perhaps a meetup group that walks around parks- many free parks have basketball or tennis courts, etc. Walk around a mall and look at things ( you don't have to buy)- maybe volunteer at a pet shelter. I understand saving money, but I think by your ONLY social outlets being your FAMILY is a little unhealthy and co-dependent. I think you would be happier in doing some thing that are just for you. And forging new friendships. 2. You need to talk to your husband about prioritizing your relationship. One of the biggest things that can deteriorate a marriage is not being on the same page about how much time you spend together and how. It can be a problem if one person always wants to be alone and the other always wants to fill the house with guests. I see nothing wrong with people wanting to be social, but I believe couples also need some consistent alone time as well. You need to be frank with him about what you need and expectations that you want to set together. If you notice nothing changing in your dynamic after these things, then I would advise couples counseling. Building resentment isn't going to help anything. You have to reach a middle ground together or this will continue until one of you is ready to jump ship. I don't think you're quite in divorce territory yet, but I can easily see it going that way if attempts aren't made to work on this core incompatibility between you.

The BIG question I have for you OP is this- Do you often go out of your way for her and what you're really feeling is a lack of reciprocity on her part? If so, then I would say that is selfish of her. But that also makes the real issue about double standards and variable expectations in your relationship- which isn't really about this specific instance at all. But let's take this instance and I'll try to be as fair as I can. You made a mistake, big deal. Happens to everyone. IMVHO, when we have partners, it should be second nature to want to help one another when they are in a jam, even if it's inconvenient. Especially if you were to consider marrying her. I've often lost sleep, been inconvenienced, been annoyed, or had a tougher day because I was helping my husband due to circumstances not being ideal or "mistakes" happening. NOW- there are some instances in which a partner may want to help, but simply cannot. In that instance, the other should be willing to step up and make other accommodations. Is that the real issues here, that you feel like she COULD HAVE, but chose to put herself first? Try to think this through, OR is that you are just annoyed that she actually could not do it? OR is it an overall issue that you see happening in your relationship? Is it that she has expectations of you that you find inconvenient, but then you see her not being willing to inconvenience herself for you? In which case, you have larger problems that this one incident. So not knowing your whole relationship, I can't say who is being "selfish", but I DO wonder if there's other factors at play here.

If you have lived together for 8 years, then I don't quite understand how you are surprised by his behavior. Some people just like using their own things. So, you know this about him, so why not get your own yardwork gloves and mug? "Normal" doesn't really have meaning in the real world. Everyone is different. As I said, I am married and if my husband were to use something of mine for a purpose other than it's intended purpose, I would want him to ask my permission to do so. Some partners might NOT care, but everyone is different. And if you HAVE to have someone that has no problem with you using anything of theirs anytime- break up, if it's a deal-breaker for you, because you are clearly incompatible in this. Why do you continue to live with him if his behavior bothers you that much? You are calling him immature and selfish, but IMO, you seem to be reacting overly strongly to a pretty minor thing. Unless you can give other examples? Or is it just all under the umbrella of he likes to use his own things and for me to use my own things? You aren't married, so I think it's even more understandable that he's maybe a little overprotective of what is his. But again I ask, if this preference of his bothers you to this degree, why are you still with him? I'm also curious why you're being both quick and determined to quantify his behavior as "not normal", is something else going on with you two and this is just a surface level thing that is easier to focus on/try to control?

As far as this specific incident goes, I agree with Him. They were his gloves and you were using them to pull apart wood. It makes perfect sense that he wouldn't want them to get ruined, especially since it doesn't sound like you asked his permission to use them for this purpose. Even if I wanted to use my husband's winter gloves for some other purpose than simply wearing them, especially an activity that could possibly get them ruined, he would be mad if I didn't ask his permission to use them for that purpose. (Just to give an inverse example, I'd be mad if he used my good oven mitt to catch a mouse without asking my permission) So, I think that's pretty normal. Can you give examples of some other things that you think are not "normal"?

You are not self-sabotaging, OP. You have a very big relationship problem. Your BF is addicted to porn. He either admits he has an issue and works on it or he doesn't and you break up. He's proven that he can't be trusted with this. This won't go away by you nagging or even having civil conversation. If he's in denial that he even has a problem, then I'm sorry to say that your choices are either live with it or leave. It's really up to you to decide if this is a deal-breaker for you or not.

You're in an abusive marriage. This is NOT your fault. Please get out now, as you and your children are in danger living with this man. Cycle of abuse, OP. That's what your husband is doing. Is abusive, acts abusive, then doesn't acknowledge the abuse and does JUST enough to win back your trust/loyalty/love. Then gaslights you into believing you've done something wrong OR had an "overreaction" to the abuse. It's a very common tactic. I should know. My ex-husband was that way. You're not going mad, you're responding to abuse in a normal way. When we want things to work in our marriage/a relationship, it's easier to justify the bad because we want it to work so much. And it's hard to acknowledge that we are being abused, especially by someone that should love us. Who your husband is 95% of the time IS who he is. It's easy to put on a polite/kind/charming mask in short bursts, but that isn't who he is. Please make a plan and get out. You and your sons do not deserve this. Be safe.

YEP. And admitting that you starting seeing a married man while pregnant with another man's child and then saying you "didn't make an active choice"? OP, You've made and continue to make active choices all over the place. Sad that you can't even own up to that. If you want to stay involved in this mess yourself- and it seems you DO and no amount of convincing, advice giving or logic will change your mind. So, go ahead- we can't stop you. PLEASE at least see THIS- What you are SHOWING your daughter. You are showing her (yes, even once a month) that it's normal for men to treat her and mommy badly. It's normal for men she associates with (and don't think for a second she isn't absorbing this subconsciously) to mistreat her and if they aren't treating her well- it's her fault and she needs to try harder. You should stay with someone no matter how badly they treat you. Many girls who witness this as normal, carry it into adulthood and end up in abusive relationships. If your husband is smart, he will eventually take you to court for full custody of your child. You may be put in a position where you have to choose. If you choose this bum over your own daughter, this may permanently ruin your relationship with her. The BEST you can hope for is that her Dad gets full custody and she is not allowed around your BF and that your daughter grows up to not resent you or worse. But in the BEST case scenario, your daughter is not forced to be around a self-proclaimed sociopath. No one can tell you what to do. But you have and ARE making active choices as to your daughter's future and your future relationship or estrangement from her. Hope this bum is worth it.

Exactly. It's especially shocking when GROWN WOMEN (over 21) actually blame the CHILDREN these men rape or sexually assault and will sooner call the child names and blame them for "trying to steal their man" Lady- I'd be MUCH more concerned about your adult "man" being a rapist pedophile than being mad at a 12 year old child who doesn't even understand what's going on and adding to her trauma with more anger, shaming and victim blaming. I sadly know too many stories of girls and women who are blamed for being raped. And the boys and men, as you say, coddled with " Oh you poor man for having to deal with that Jezebel"

You need to start disconnecting from this man. (Even if your parents don't) Stop telling him anything about your private life. Do not spend time with him, especially alone. Choose not to be around him. I think him being "respectful" is more about him not wanting his abuse revealed (this is a tactic abusers use, trying hard to be overly "gentlemenly" AFTER the fact). The longer you view him as "normal", the less likely you are to admit and accept the reality of his treatment of you and the likelier you are to defend or brush off his actions. I think this is important for your healing (without even getting into sharing it with anyone else). I know telling your family opens a HUGE can of worms, and it's 100% up to you when and how you deal with this. As I've mentioned, I've known scenarios where this reveal about a "family friend" does not go well and I understand how challenging and complicated it can be. T Please please talk to a therapist as soon as you are able. You need some unbiased support to help you manage this.