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redswim30

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Everything posted by redswim30

  1. Well, at the VERY least he's lying to you and not invested in you emotionally. I'm sorry to say, but for many people, having children makes the marriage suffer. Sometimes, things are fine after having children, but it does require a lot of extra effort because babies are a lot of work and you both have to be VERY invested in making time for each other as a couple. It would help to have more details about what distance. Is he physically distant from you? Have you two talked about this "distance"? I do not think you are being paranoid. People who have nothing to hide, have nothing to conceal. You clearly cannot trust him and he is clearly deflecting. His behavior is extremely suspicious. We cannot know for certain, but IMO, it sounds like he is at least having an emotional affair if not more. You need to think very seriously about what you want. Is the marriage over? Do you want to try and make it work? Is there anything to save? Once you have your answer, you will need to have an honest conversation and just ask him what he wants to do.
  2. Congrats on your 30 years! Yes, I have a lot of experience. I've had an unsuccessful marriage with an ex that tried to force things on me that I didn't want and grew to resent. And now I am in a successful marriage with a man who actually respects me and cares about my feelings. I don't have any problem with you, smackie- I simply disagree. And you are welcome to disagree with me. To me, it doesn't matter WHAT it is- if he doesn't want to do something, he should not be forced to. I do not believe in forcing a spouse into doing something that they do not want, because I LIVED that! And I am saying that no, it does not "have to be" something. She's "hoping" doesn't mean he has to do it. I wonder if would feel differently if she HATED shopping and he said to her " I expect you to spend an entire day shopping with a bunch of women before the wedding cause that's what my mom did" and she said "Thanks, but I really don't like shopping and I don't feel comfortable in big groups of women and I'd really prefer not to" and he still kept pushing it on her after she said no a bunch of times. And he basically said, " Suck it up. I want you to do it, so you're doing it." Would you think that was healthy? Would it really matter if she didn't go shopping? Should he love her less because she doesn't want to do one insignificant thing that she isn't comfortable with? He could ask her to go shopping, sure. But what I'm saying is that she should have every right to say no. I agree that there is more to this than his bachelor party. His fiance sounds extremely controlling and selfish to me and I do not see how this marriage can be successful if she refuses to consider his feelings on this matter. He has clearly stated his wishes, and I don't understand why she can't respect them.
  3. I can see why he's divorcing her. " My new husband is embarrassed by dancing in public and I love him so I will respect his wishes". Easy. Or, ask everyone to JOIN YOU BOTH in the first dance, to make him less uncomfortable. Lots of options if she wasn't just thinking about herself. She RESENTED him over that? That's pretty petty. Also, everyone should talk about all details of your wedding before your wedding and what you are both comfortable with. Compromises should be reached long before a ceremony or party takes place.
  4. I completely disagree. People that love you should NOT EVER try and force you to do things that you do not want to or make you uncomfortable. His wedding and whether or not he wants a bachelor party SHOULD be about him- LOL. This is 2018 and there are no "MUSTS" at a wedding or in anything leading up to it. If the family will be "disappointed"- let them be! They can do what they want at their OWN wedding! Not everyone does traditional things at weddings, not everyone likes them and that is totally OKAY! You shouldn't feel forced to do something just because other people think you should! For my wedding, we didn't do anything "traditional" at our reception- No wedding cake or cutting, no dancing, no throwing bouquet or garder. Just dinner at a nice restaurant and talking to our small contingent of guests. And it was AWESOME! We did what we wanted, because it was OUR wedding and no one else's! If you love your spouse and they hate dancing, why would you force them? Because your 2nd cousin that you never see "expects" it? That just seems cruel and selfish to me. I also completely disagree with "Happy wife, happy life"- that is completely outdated, imbalanced, and unfair to the husband. A marriage should be a partnership not a dictatorship. IMVHO, The most successful marriages happen when both partners feelings are considered under all and every circumstance and especially in big decisions like your wedding. Not "I don't care how you feel, you better DO it!" There's a big difference between compromising and sacrificing. A strong marriage is about compromise, not sacrificing your own wants and feelings- especially about something like details of your wedding. That is not at all healthy. He has a right to have a say in his own wedding. He shouldn't have to do anything he doesn't want to- Period. If his fiance doesn't understand that, then I have wonder how much she really loves or respects him.
  5. ^^^^ This is what I was going to say. Your fiance sounds like a bully. It's totally your choice about the bachelor party and she should respect your wishes. You need to think about if you want to marry someone who so flagrantly disrespects you. This will NOT improve after marriage. I guess if you're okay marrying someone who forces you into things you don't want even after saying no? I think it's kinda weird for your fiance to push strippers on you- as someone else said- Why would she do this unless she plans to do something shady and wants to feel less guilty? I think most women would be thrilled that their man was evolved enough to not want or care about strippers. IMVHO, you have a much bigger problem on your hands than money over a concert or your bachelor party. Your fiance does not respect you or care about your feelings. Is this what you want out of a marriage?
  6. Would your wife be happy knowing you consider being with her "a chore"? Just because she doesn't abuse you doesn't by default make her a good wife or partner to you. Also, many people are better at being parents than spouses. Being a good parent doesn't make you a good spouse. I guess if you have decided to stay, you have. I'm not entirely sure why if you're so miserable?
  7. ^^^THIS. I feel for you, OP. I married my 1st husband because we had been together a long time, and it was "expected" and partly due to fear that I wouldn't find someone else that wanted to commit to me. If things are not GREAT going in, there is almost NO way that you would have a successful marriage. Even in the BEST of marriages (my 2nd marriage is AMAZING!)- you will be challenged together and apart in ways that you cannot even begin to imagine. Throw kids into the mix and those challenges only multiply and escalate. If you are this uncertain now, you should NOT get married or have kids. Both come with enormous challenges in the very best of marriages and partnerships. Marriage isn't for everyone. If it's not for you, that's okay. Someone pressuring you into something you don't want is never a good thing and IMVHO, makes me wonder if she's really in love with you or the idea of marriage. Ultimatums nearly always backfire. However, if you cannot give her what she feels she needs, end the relationship. Regarding happiness (take it from someone on their second marriage)- NO one other person can make YOU happy. Your happiness is entirely up to you, no matter your marital status. That being said, the right person will bring out the best in you. You may love this woman and wish it could work out, but if it isn't the right match, it isn't the right match. Qualities that my first husband hated about me, my current husband LOVES. I can tell you that picking that right person for you is 98% of it. I think you just need to be honest with her. Tell her you are not ready for marriage and don't know if you ever will be. If she feels like she needs to move on, that's her choice. But please do not make a choice out of fear. It will not make either one of you happy in the long run. In hindsight, I wish my ex-husband had just been honest with me instead of wasting years of both our lives spent in unhappiness. Best of luck to you.
  8. Please, please protect yourself first and foremost. Everything else is secondary. Normally, I don't condone snooping. BUT, in a case where someone is denying something that may impact yours or their safety, it is justifiable- to me, anyway. Please do NOT blame yourself with the financial stuff. In my first marriage, we shared everything- and he was still secretive and subversive with money and found ways to lie to me about what he was spending on and how much. In my current marriage, our money is separate. He has never done anything untoward and we discuss everything. Do NOT blame your decision or the circumstance for his bad behavior. If someone wants to behave badly, they will do it regardless of the circumstances. The first thing you need to do is set up protections. You are going to have to tell people. Their first thoughts should be about your safety and not about blame or "how things seemed". People thought my first marriage was "perfect" too. Appearances can be deceiving and no one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors. Most married people know this. Even in GREAT marriages, nobody is privy to all the information and struggles, etc. I don't think you are crazy for jumping to divorce. Addiction is a serious problem, and it sounds like there are several present besides the drugs- Lying, possible cheating, secrecy. You should start consulting with a lawyer and your family to start with. Whatever you do, do not tell him alone without both physical and emotional protection. Now's the time to prepare yourself. I am so sorry you are going thru this. *HUGS*
  9. If that is really your opinion of him, then you should 100% break up.
  10. But he DID tell you that the one woman came onto him- which he didn't have to. And he did tell you about the friend he wanted to meet up with. It makes sense if he has friends in other countries that he would see them when visiting there. He can't control other people's thoughts or behaviors. You cannot blame him for other people's actions. If you want to stay with him, then you need to be fair to him. BUT- If you really don't trust him or think he's definitely going to cheat on you and furthermore you believe he's trash talking you or your relationship- WHY are you with him?? If you truly don't feel like you can trust him, you should just break up.
  11. Do you trust him? Let's forget about what you think may happen- and discuss what actually has happened. There was a girl he kissed before you dated and during your breakup, yet not during. He said he wouldn't contact her, but did, but presumably nothing has actually happened between them. Another woman came on to him, and he rejected her advances. You told him you weren't okay with the contact and so he stopped. Another girl who is his friend wants to get together. He told you about it and invited you along. Don't overreact to this- She'd probably be uncomfortable because she wants to catch up with him. This is sometimes common with old friends- sometimes it can be awkward if they are discussing people, places and events you don't know of. I have done both with my husband- gone and not gone when he's wanted to meet up with old friends. In all honestly, sometimes I do prefer not going, because you often just sit there while they reference things you don't know. It can get very boring. As far as your boyfriend is concerned, it seems like apart from that one little white lie, he's pretty faithful to you. You cannot be upset about his having kissed someone else while you weren't together- you weren't together, so that's unreasonable. You cannot be mad at him for someone else confessing their feelings for him- he can't control that and it sounds like he rejected her anyway. If he was still friends with her, maybe he didn't want to make her feel bad. Imagine that a old guy friend of yours that you were close to but had no romantic interest in confessed love for you? You would tell him you weren't interested and that you have a boyfriend, but you likely would not shun him or tell him you could never speak to him again. Because honestly, that's kind of cruel- especially if nothing actually happened and no harm was done. This other friend sounds like just a friend and he told you and invited you, so I'm not sure why you're upset? He's pretty much proven he's faithful to you yet you seem convinced he's going to eventually cheat on you. Why?
  12. I'll make this VERY simple- Break up and never look back. You simply don't trust him. Period. The rest is almost irrelevant. You cannot control another person. I repeat- you cannot control another person. You SAY that you would have been fine if he was honest, but then you also say that you still would have "secretly" been anxious anyway. You say that you don't want to be controlling while at the same time asking how to control this situation. You two aren't being fully honest with each other. You two don't trust each other. He didn't trust you enough to tell you, and guess what? It's because he knew that you would be freaking out if he did tell, which you fully admit here. He knows you don't trust him enough to not just accept when he says they are just friends. How do you think you will BOTH maintain a relationship if neither of you can be fully honest or trusting of each other? You cannot affair proof a relationship. If someone wants to cheat, they will cheat no matter what you say or do or how "good" a mate you are. If someone doesn't want to cheat, they won't- no matter what ANOTHER person may say or do. IMVHO, No one can ever be 100% certain their partner isn't cheating, unless you are with them 24/7. What it boils down to, do you trust them or not? And it really is that simple. Please understand you can't make him "feel" any way and he can't do anything to make YOU "not worry" if you don't trust him. Say he never speaks to this woman ever again. What if an even more attractive woman starts working there? If you don't think you can ever trust him to be able to be around a beautiful woman and not cheat on you, you should just break up now. If you do decide you want to trust him, you'll have to dig deep and learn to let things go and choose to believe him. You want honesty from him, then you'll need to be honest back. If you find you can't believe him and you think he's lying to you, why stay in this relationship? You have to be able to trust one another. If you really can't- end it.
  13. I really don't see how the ratio of men to women matters. If they are old friends, why is it odd? If her husband is faithful, he's faithful- no matter HOW many women are around. What if he worked in an office that had more women than men? Is he definitely gonna cheat just because there's women around? She must have a really low opinion of her husband to think that. Like he can't control himself at ALL. I agree that she should go and meet his friends. She may even like them and make a friend of her own. Also, then it wouldn't be shrouded in mystery. She imagining it is worse than it actually is. She should go and see that a brunch is just a brunch. The problem is- he DIDN'T decide. He felt forced to choose between his spouse and his friends because his wife nagged him about it due to her insecurities, which is not healthy. He's not going to forget this. Because it's not really about a brunch. It's that he'll likely be frustrated feeling like his wife doesn't trust him, doesn't care that he wants his friends in his life, and isn't at all secure in the marriage, even after years and years of proven loyalty. Which is NOT a good feeling. OP, how would you feel if an old male friend of yours decided to send you a Christmas card and then your husband accused you of cheating or behaved as though you were definitely going to cheat on him because of this card? And he said that he trusted you but not the man? WOULD you feel like he trusted you? Or would you feel belittled, insulted, and disrespected since you've never given him reason to question your loyalty? OP, you can SAY you trust your husband all you want. But actions speak louder than words. He may no longer go to brunch. But in my opinion you have created a far more serious problem in your marriage now.
  14. Yes. You say there's never been any infidelity, you've been married a number of years, why are you so worried? Why are you so insecure? BTW, I am married and send Christmas cards to my male friends. It means NOTHING romantic. I would be questioning my husband's trust in me if he thought I was having an affair with every friend I sent a Christmas card to. OP, you are really going to make your husband resent you. You are acting extremely unreasonable. You are acting controlling. You are acting insecure and manipulative. He's catching up with old friends. Friends that were presumably a part of his life before he met you. He's been faithful to you, so why are you trying to limit what friendships he has? He's allowed to care about other people, and yes even other women. You could go with him if you want. If you are unwilling and already judging these people or writing them off, I really have to wonder if you have some issues with being close to people. Do you have many close friends or is your husband your whole world? Even in the BEST of marriages, you need friends and platonic relationships outside the marriage. No one person can be everything to you. And no one person SHOULD be, it is not in any way healthy. My ex-husband behaved as though I should have no friends. I grew to resent him for it. After we divorced, I was so much happier when I realized I could have friends. My current husband is mature and secure enough in our love to know I would never cheat on him. And my life is fuller and I am happier because I have friendships that make my life more complete. I think you need to take a minute and really think about why this is upsetting you so much. What are you really afraid of? IMVHO, I get the sense that what you are really afraid of isn't an actual affair, but that you won't be the most important person to your husband anymore. Please remember that him valuing other people does NOT in any way mean that he values you less.
  15. It sounds to me like they've really thought about it and decided what to do amicably- that's GREAT! Also, be happy that there is no bitterness going on. As far as separation goes, if your parents are friendly with each other and not angry or bitter- you've hit the jackpot. No one ever knows what has really gone on in a marriage except the two people involved. Appearances are just that- APPEARANCES, not truth. Since this decision is a mutual one, I'm guessing that it is something they have both been thinking about for a long time. Remember, it's not your parents job to remain in an unhappy situation so that someone else (their kids or otherwise) can feel more comfortable, especially at their ages. If I were you, I'd re-read this last sentence of yours, whether or not your intention, it kinda comes across as " My parents aren't going to live much longer, so they shouldn't bother changing or making themselves happier because it's less convenient for ME!" Not to sound harsh, but that's kinda how it reads. You should think about this. I can tell you as someone who recently lost my Dad - I'd give anything for another day with him- married, divorced, or separated. I get it- Change can be uncomfortable- but you need to deal privately with whatever hangups you are feelings about this. Around them, you need to quiet your own feelings and really listen to them and their reasons for wanting to do this. No matter your opinion or feelings on the subject, you have to remember that before they are your parents- they are both individuals. They are allowed to make decisions that you disagree with, as I'm sure you have made some decisions that they have disagreed with or thought "ridiculous". All the Best to you. I truly hope you can find some peace about this.
  16. Oh Unsure, IMVHO you are SO worried about the wrong things. You should be more concerned that your husband of TEN years who claims he wants to "be a family"- instead of just talking to you, his wife, reached out to stranger online. This is not about HER, it's about HIM- He already said he prefers a complete stranger to you- WHY do you love this man????- Go to counseling if you want, but I don't think it's going to do any good. Why? Because he doesn't seem sorry at ALL. He didn't reach out to you in the first place, you had to "catch" him doing it and contact the woman yourself or he'd still be in contact with her. Even after getting caught, he still said that she's his "first choice". He should have been saying that he's incredibly sorry and he couldn't believe he would do that, and that he loves you more than anything and he'll do anything to fix it. See what I'm saying? Your husband clearly does not love, respect or trust you. I would file for divorce if I were you. Or be content living with the fact that he's going to keep reaching out to other women and finding reasons to prefer them to you. He WILL eventually find one that knows he's married and won't care.
  17. ^^^ THIS. I'm less concerned over the fact that she isn't wearing it and more about WHY the change in behavior and why isn't she TELLING you why???? Not every woman likes to wear jewelry or stand by traditions and that's totally their choice. However, the change in behavior is weird- why she would be wearing it and then suddenly not for no apparent reason? I think the fact that she's being SO defensive about it is alarming. She could easily and calmly say that she has decided she doesn't want to wear it indefinitely and you don't need to worry, but she hasn't. Equally worrisome is the fact that you are clearly expressing that it is bothering you and she doesn't seem much to care about quelling you fears or saying " if it means that much to you, I'll wear it"- which, IMVHO, she should. Big or small, if something bothers your fiance- you should take care to be mindful of their feelings and accommodate them if you can. In a marriage, this is what a true partnership is- being able to compromise and discuss when something bothers you and with the other person trying to if not "appease you" (putting the ring back on) then at least try and explain and quell your concerns ("You know I love you and I am your fiance, you don't have to worry. I am just more comfortable not wearing the jewelry") If I were you, I'd be concerned. A woman doesn't suddenly go from wearing an engagement ring to not for no reason. And if there is a reason, there is ZERO reason that she cannot give you a clear and calm explanation without getting defensive. If she had never worn it to begin with, I might give different advice. All I will say, is that my ex-husband went from wearing his wedding ring to not and was never terribly concerned about putting it back on- There was a reason. You need to sit down with her and calmly ask why she has decided not to wear her ring and that it would mean a lot to you if she did. She should either put it back on OR at LEAST have a calm and clear explanation at this point. (BTW, just angrily saying a "Lot of women don't wear rings") is not specific as to why she was wearing it and hasn't put it back on. If she gets angry again, you should be hearing severe alarm bells and potentially ask if she wants to remain engaged or if she is having doubts.
  18. ^^^^ DING DING DING!!!! This is what I was gonna say. So he was inappropriate and she didn't like, but yet here she is crying over not being "friends" with him? If they had a past relationship and she does want to end it for you (which is the right thing to do)- why is she THIS overwrought over it? If you can't be friends with someone after you are married, it's probably because you were more than friends or want more than friendship. Married people often have friends of the opposite sex. It's not like you have to say " I'm getting married, so I can no longer be friends with any male ever, even if we were friends long before I met my spouse." Unless, of course, it ventured beyond friendship. I agree with the above poster, something here does NOT add up. She's not being fully honest with you about this man or this relationship. And I mean, FAR beyond "sexting". Nobody is this distraught over losing a friend they weren't that close to and no woman is going to cry over a man that was a nuisance that she is glad to get rid of. If this guy really is "just a friend" then there is no reason they can't continue to be friends after you are married. Even people who were once involved can still be friends if they are mature and faithful to their new spouse. I think it's some pretty massive red flags that 1. She believes she is incapable of being friends with him after your marriage- points to that there's something still there. 2. She is this upset about it- this strongly indicates that at the very best- she's attracted to him and will miss the attention or at worst- she has real feelings for him and doesn't feel good about letting it go- BOTH of which should concern you. The fact that she is obsessing over this "friend" and not just reveling in all your engagement glory is concerning. Awkward as it may be, I think you need to ask her why she is actually this upset about the prospect of not hanging out with him. And it's NOT because they were such "good friends". Better to have this conversation now than after you are married. The LAST thing you want to do is get married and have this symbolic " forbidden fruit" hanging around. It might be "fine for now" but what happens when she continues to "miss him" or after the two of you have a big fight? Or if she's feeling unattractive? There a reason she didn't stop him during her former marriage. You need to nip this in the bud NOW. You know this is not normal or healthy for her to be responding in this way. IMVHO, she would not be THIS upset unless there were strong feelings on her side. Otherwise, she'd have no problem "taking out the trash". I know it's a chick flick- but bear with me here- In The Notebook, Ally is engaged but goes to "check on" her old love, Noah. it wasn't to "check", it was because she still loved him. Even her mother says to her later in the movie' You knew what would happen if you came out here". Reminds me of your fiance and ending things on "better terms". If she really thinks this guy is a creep and has no place in her life, why is she THIS concerned how he feels and making him feel better about "ending things". If he was a pest that she's glad to be rid of, and he wasn't even talking to her- what is there to "end"???? SHE wanted to talk to him and an acceptable excuse to you to talk to him. Simple as that.
  19. My ex-husband would often say he "needed to treat me better" but never did it. We are divorced. Saying or "knowing" and taking action to change are two different things. It's the difference between an alcoholic that SAYS they should go to AA and one that actually does. No one is perfect, it's true. But her jealousy, insecurity and controlling behavior seems off the charts. IMVHO, it's crossing the line between red flag and emotional abuse. I agree with the other posters. What are you actually getting out of this relationship?
  20. It's natural when relationships don't work out, to seek out the opposite. You previously picked women you were attracted to that you didn't think were " good people" but now you've picked a woman you do think is good person that you aren't very attracted to. The problem is that neither is ideal. I promise you there are beautiful women out there that you will be attracted to, that are also good people. The two are not mutually exclusive. You will eventually hit relationship landmines with either extreme of only having one form of attraction to them. Physical attraction and sex are not everything- HOWEVER- they are very important in marriage. If your wife doesn't feel like you desire her, that will chip away at her and your marriage. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually. If you don't feel strong attraction to her- multiply that over 10, 20, 30. It's true that some attraction fades over time just due to the intimate experience not being "new". But if you don't feel strong attraction at the beginning, that doesn't look very good for your future. You can learn to like someone. You can learn to love someone. But you cannot learn to be attracted to someone. A relationship without sex is called Friendship. Movies lie, the best relationships do NOT always come out of friendships. I once tried to date a friend of mine. He was great on paper- Nice person, smart, funny. I loved his personality. I felt like I "ought to be" attracted to him and that if I didn't, I was shallow. But I just wasn't sexually attracted to him. He wasn't a bad looking guy, there was just no heat there. And that cannot be manufactured. I thought that maybe if we dated that I'd "grow" to be attracted to him. Never happened. It got to a point where he wanted to be intimate and I was really uncomfortable at the thought. Not because of him, just because there was nothing there sexually and I knew I'd be lying to him and faking enjoyment of the experience- which he did NOT deserve. Finally, I just had to bite the bullet and tell him that I didn't want to be intimate with him, and I couldn't see ever being intimate with him. That I just wasn't physically attracted to him. It crushed him. I mean crushed him. He didn't speak to me for several years and I felt horrible. I felt like something must be wrong with me, because he was everything I wanted on paper. Eventually he spoke to me again and we are friends again, as we always should have remained. He is now dating a woman that is physically attracted to him as well as emotionally. And they are a great couple and he is very happy. What if I had tried to stay with him "just cause"? Neither one of us would have been happy. And I would have prevented BOTH he and myself from finding someone who loves all aspects of us equally. A relationship cannot flourish with just ONE aspect you like about someone. Hence why the old ones of yours failed and this one seems doomed to as well. You will not be doing this woman any favors by marrying her only to (even unintentionally) make her feel unwanted, unloved and unattractive. Yes, personality is important but sexual attraction is equally important- especially in a marriage. Most especially in an expectation of a monogamous marriage. There's lots of people out there that marry someone they like, but aren't that attracted to. Eventually they cheat sexually even though they love their partner. That's just another type of lie and deception. You are still hurting them. Don't believe me, just peruse this board more. See if people appreciate being "the consolation partner". I personally think it's better to be honest now and let her find someone that wants her for ALL of her. It wasn't until I met my current husband that I felt an equal amount of sexual attraction and personality attraction. It's tough to find, but it IS possible. Whatever you decide to do, please do NOT settle for your sake and ESPECIALLY for this woman's sake.
  21. Even if you broke up- You are 30. The older the get, the likelier it is going to be that the people you would date are going to have a serious past. If their marriage was so great, they'd still be together. They aren't. His ex isn't mean and the kids are great? You hit the jackpot!!!! When he tells you he is happier with you, believe him. Your marriage WILL be special because it's the two of YOU. I'm remarried. My current husband and I's relationship is MUCH different than either of our first marriages. But we are both SO much happier. So who cares if when we got married it wasn't the "first" for either of us? It was more meaningful than my first wedding because I was marrying the man I felt the deepest for of anyone I'd ever known. Not once during the day did I think- " Well, done THIS before"- it was a totally new experience. It's like taking a GREAT movie that you loved as a kid and re-watching it as an adult and seeing all the subtle meanings that you never saw before, getting all the "adult" jokes that you never understood before, appreciating it on an entirely different level. I'll tell you something else- being the "first" isn't always the best. My current husband is getting the better version of me. Because I've learned. I've learned how to be more patient and understanding. I've learned from my mistakes in my first marriage. So has he. He's more equipped to be a better husband to me (and has said as much). He's slower to anger now, he's more empathetic than he used to be. We both are better communicators and aren't afraid to express ourselves the way we were in our first marriages. So, who cares if you weren't the first? First doesn't equal best!!!!! Let me put it another way- Would you want to have ridden in the FIRST form of the airplane? Would you want to have been the FIRST person to ever have surgery? Experiences aren't about the things we DO. It's about the PEOPLE we DO THEM WITH and OUR relationship with THAT specific person. Let me turn in on it's head for you, too. Would you want him to be upset if you took him to a restaurant you took one of your exes to? Would you want him to be upset if you watched a movie with him that you watched with your ex? And he got mad because he wasn't the FIRST to eat there with you or watch that with you? You can still enjoy it together and the experiences will be TOTALLY different. It's not how you start, it's how you finish. Take it from someone who knows, I'd rather be the LAST love of someone's life than the FIRST. Something to think about it. All the best to you.
  22. It is possible he changed his mind. This is a big reason for a lot of divorces. You thought you married one person and they changed their mind about a non-compromise issue that was integral to the relationship succeeding. It happened in my first marriage. And granted, I think he's expressing it in a very unhealthy and cruel way. But it's not impossible that he isn't doing this to break up with her. And it's VERY possible that he doesn't want these things with anyone. OP, at least this happened this BEFORE the marriage. At least you'll be making an informed decision.
  23. There is no middle ground here, OP. You have to decide what is more important to you- The house and child or this man. Because you will not have both. Believe what he is saying to you. That's the thing in relationships (and especially in LONG term ones) that no one ever tells you- You will both change and those changes aren't always compatible. People don't always break up because the love is gone. Sometimes it's differences like this. Here is your choice- Option 1. You may love this man, but if you stay with him- You may never have those other things. He is flat out telling you this. If you decide you love him enough to sacrifice those other things, then you have to be willing to give them up and then to BE OKAY WITH IT! By staying with him, you are agreeing that he is worth this sacrifice. And you CANNOT hold it over his head or try and change his mind. If you pick him, you are picking HIM because he can make you happier than all those other things put together. Small credit to him- at least he's telling you this BEFORE You are married instead of a couple years into it. Option 2. Although you love this man, you break up with him because you are not willing to sacrifice having a nice home or children. If you decide that you have to have these things to be happy, then you have to let this man go and then to BE OKAY WITH IT! He is telling you he is not willing to ever give you those things. And if you DO desperately want them, you need to break up. And then be fine with him potentially being with someone else who doesn't care about those other things. (Not everyone does) Everyone always wants a magical answer- You'll see that a LOT on this board- The relationship would be perfect if only THIS or THAT. No relationship is perfect and all relationships have compromises and some even have large sacrifices attached (giving up children or living a specific lifestyle or moving away from family) etc. People that live in relationships where they are choosing to sacrifice something to be in it, HAVE to be okay with it to make it work. Otherwise, you are just heading for Divorce Ave. If you choose to be with him, do NOT hold onto the hope that he will change or "may want kids someday" He won't. Love isn't always enough- you only have to look at this message board to see that. Sometimes choices such as this are very difficult, but you have to pick with the one that you know you can live with. The only question you need to answer and be HONEST with yourself- without adding any " In a perfect world" or " he should want what I want" " I can get him to change his mind" fantasy- " Is this relationship worth sacrificing these other things that I want?" Period. That's your answer. In either scenario, you'll be giving up SOMETHING. Only YOU know what you can and can't live without.
  24. I completely disagree. She's the one doing the shutting out by stating that she will not share her feelings anymore and doesn't want to talk. And if she FEELS like he attacks her when she shares, then it is up to HER to tell him WHY she feels that way and give him the opportunity to fix it. If she doesn't, then it's on her. He is being silent because he doesn't know what to say, and she is calling him names. That is not helpful in any way and he will shut down even more. She is saying that he attacks her and now she is calling him names. They both need to communicate better, but in my opinion, she is more in the wrong here and displaying abusive behavior.
  25. If I were you, I would NOT marry this woman. Marriage is very difficult. You will have a lot of disagreements, difficult times, and you will be challenged in ways you can't even imagine. One thing you will absolutely need is the ability to communicate through those challenges. This attitude from her is VERY unhealthy and manipulative. One person should not be making a unilateral decision like that for the both of you to say that they have decided not to share their feelings and they are happier not communicating. Problems never get resolved by ignoring them, they just become larger until one day they explode. During a marriage you are going to encounter many scenarios in which you don't want to talk, but it is absolutely necessary to maintain a happy and healthy relationship. Marriage is about SO much more than loving someone. You have to be able to resolve conflict together, to compromise and to communicate effectively. If you can't do those things now, your marriage has almost no chance of success. At least not without one of you becoming very bitter and resentful over the years. Sorry to say, but if she's this angry over something neither of you can actually recall, BUCKLE IN- just wait until something truly difficult happens. The things that REALLY test a marriage. (Children issues, death of a parent, severe financial problems, health issues, etc) If you really do love this woman and want to make it work, you need to be frank with her. I suggest something like, "I know you do not want to talk, but we need to. What is going on between us right now isn't healthy. I don't appreciate you calling me names and refusing to communicate with me. It's disrespectful towards me and deteriorates the value of our relationship and love. I love you and I want to marry you, but our marriage will only be successful if we can communicate, even when things are difficult or we don't want to. We need to talk this through and see if we can resolve this. If we can't do it ourselves, then I suggest we go to a couples counselor. As things stand now, I will not marry someone who shuts down at the slightest argument" You need to demonstrate that she cannot call all the shots. Your feelings matter just as much as hers. See what she says. If she responds with anything than love, support and understanding- I personally wouldn't marry her. Someone who cannot acknowledge their own mistakes and will never take ownership of their side of an issue is not someone who will ever be successful in a marriage. If she cares about you and the relationship, she will want to fix this. If she just wants to blame and ignore, then the ball is in your court. You need to decide if you want to stay with a woman whose answer to conflict is emotional abuse and manipulation. You should be equals in this relationship. She should respect you enough to care about your feelings instead of belittling them.
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