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Everything posted by redswim30

  1. I hardly know where to begin. Why did you get married? You weren't in love with your husband or you wouldn't have cheated and even accepted ANOTHER proposal! Even taking that out of the equation- WHY would you marry a man who hit you??? I'm sorry to tell you, but patterns often repeat themselves. Not because you are innately "bad people" but because human behavioral patterns are difficult to change. So, it's very easy to SAY " I would never cheat again, he would never hit me again"- but you simply don't know. You cannot possibly project 10, 20, 30 years into the future and make either of those statements with absolute certainty. And you are very young, I believe you said you are 25- IMO, you haven't fully grown into you you are yet. Will you ever feel the same? No. IMVHO, Marriage never "brings people closer" just like having kids doesn't "bring people closer"- both only amplify what's already there or not there. You can't force feelings to happen that aren't there. You are living a lie. If you are unhappy NOW, trust me- you will be tempted in the future when another handsome man comes along that you have chemistry with. (and that WILL happen) Your husband may (or may not) eventually get tired of feeling like he's "forcing you" to love him. In either scenario, you are both clinging to the fantasy of the past and not moving forward with the currently reality. I think you BOTH wish this relationship was something that it isn't. This "happy lie" won't last forever any way you slice it. Please for both your sakes- GET AN ANNULMENT. Or at least do NOT have children together. I know some people will disagree, I don't believe there is only ONE person out there for everyone. I think we all have MANY potential good partners for us. Some may be better than others, but everyone will have faults and flaws. There is NO perfect match, because there is no perfect person. Marriage is incredibly challenging, especially when we are talking about REALLY long term- 20+ years. You will change, he will change- and you will face HARD ISSUES together. And you just don't KNOW how you would/will respond to things like: infertility, miscarriage, death of a parent, unexpected illness, unexpected financial hardship, death of a child, being evicted- These are the tough things. And you just can't know how or your partner will respond until they are upon you. And that's not even taking into ACCOUNT all the regular highs and lows of marriage. If you are already feeling like you are "faking it"- you have no CHANCE of even surviving any of the above. Even when you ARE madly in love, these things all shake you and test your relationship in ways you cannot begin to imagine. IMVHO, why prolong the inevitable- save both of you YEARS of unhappiness, admit you made a mistake and get an annulment.
  2. Here's just a few reasons among MANY: 1. He LIES and she doesn't KNOW he is married/has a GF- my own ex-husband lied about being married and would even take off his ring to meet women (I found out thru a friend that he hit on her and asked her to hook up at a bar- sans ring. Apparently, he didn't remember she was my friend and that he met her once). And even if the man ADMITS he is married, it often is accompanied by " My wife doesn't understand/fulfill/appreciate/sleep with me" - So men who LIE is a big thing. 2. She doesn't care (And if a MM is asking a woman to be his side chick- he likewise doesn't care!) 3. I know it seems strange, but some people purposefully PICK an attached person because they are "safe" from any major commitment- HINT- Not everyone WANTS a big commitment. To them, it's like, "Awesome! I get the sex, they have to sit around with in-laws" "Status" means nothing to some people. You can't attach your own values to others- not everyone cares about having a "conventional" or "traditional" relationship. A lot of people LIKE sex with no other baggage. They do not WANT to spend 12 hours a day with them or go to social events. * Number 2 can be applied to men or women. I am a happily married woman. I have had a LOT of "happily" married men (who also know I'm happily married, btw) - ask me if I'd like to have a tryst with them. My answer is ALWAYS No- but Sometimes they get VERY persistent, even after several NO's! from me. Most of time, these men tell me that they have NO intention of leaving their wife, they just wanna have some "fun". They WANT someone to just have fun with and not "go to parties and family BBQ's with" I would never cheat on my husband. I sometimes wonder about the women that say yes- How many of these men's wives would blame the women and NOT THEIR HUSBAND?????? Especially when some of these women have NO idea that they ARE a "side chick"? Also, being married isn't some "protection" that people think it is. If someone doesn't respect monogamous sexual limitations- then they will not care if YOU are married OR THEY are married. Or BOTH. (I've actually had a few choice scumbags say as part of their "charming" plea, "I'm glad you're married, cause if we sleep together and you get pregnant, everything's okay." SUPER CHARMING pick up line) Younger girlfriend: "I can't wait until I am married so other men will never make suggestive overtures or try to sleep with me EVER again!" ME: *LAUGHING* " Oh, sweet Summer child"
  3. Oh, OP! I feel for you so much. I was in the exact same position as you. My parents were desperately unhappy in their marriage and would both complain to me about their marital problems. I repeatedly asked them not to, but they kept doing it. It's very easy to say "stay out of it", but it's different when your parents are putting you in this position against your will. I would suggest gently advising your father to seek counseling and ask him not to include you in their arguments. This may or may not work. I'm glad you'll have some distance soon. That's important. Continue to distance yourself from their marriage as much as you are able. Best of Luck!
  4. You ARE in denial if think this man cares at ALL about "earning your trust". He isn't afraid of losing YOU- He's afraid of losing his nanny and maid. You really think the word NO is going to stop him??? He lived a life entirely separate from you! You think a male friend going with him will stop him? (and honestly how would you even KNOW?) You trust this man to tell you the truth in ANY way?? Honestly??? All he has to do is tell you " I'm going on a business trip and Gary is going with me" (and you'll believe him because you so desperately want to believe that he loves you and gives a crap about you)- then he meets his new girlfriend wherever. He did it because he's cheater- period. He was in a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP with someone else. It's not like he slept with someone else once, regretted it, and is trying to make amends. I think staying with this guy is a HUGE mistake. IMVHO, you are behaving as though you have no self-esteem. I mean, if you want to be this man's nanny and maid for the rest of your life, that's your choice. But seriously? What on EARTH are YOU getting out of this "relationship"?????? It seems like you have decided to stay because you imagine he will actually love you one day. I really hope for your sake that you wake up someday! Maybe the next time it happens you will.
  5. If this is true, then everything else is irrelevant. Get a divorce. The End. The kids will be FINE. OR If keeping up appearances and lying to yourself about him caring about you in any way is more important to you- then stay "married". Married is in quotes because he does not treat you like his wife. He treats you like a maid and nanny that he occasionally sleeps with. He doesn't love or respect you AT ALL and will probably cheat again. So, be prepared to keep your mouth shut and never complain about his cheating again. He's shown you very clearly who he is. You are in complete denial if you think a man like this will ever be faithful to you. P.S. It is 100% possible to still love someone but still realize that splitting up is the best option for everyone
  6. Well, you clearly made the right choice. Do NOT turn back and do not communicate with him again. He's using the word HATE because it's a a strong word that invokes emotion. He's trying to manipulate you into going back to him- which is ungenerous, uncaring, selfish, immature and disrespectful. Hold you head high. It was classy to wish him well. His actions have nothing to do with you. He is, at BEST immature and at WORST a super needy creep. Do NOT contact him again. Block him.
  7. Neither of you is in love with each other. She is NOT your girlfriend if you have never met, just some girl you have flirted with and talked to online. Move on. Also, if you're saving pics of nearly topless girls on Snapchat, you are not ready for a mature relationship. Go out and causally date people IRL.
  8. ^^^YEP. This is VERY typical teenager behavior. Be prepared for this and worse for about 5 more years. You cannot expect her to act like " a good little girl" for the rest of her life. It's totally unrealistic and you will be setting yourself up to be disappointed. Disappointment goes hand in hand with having teenagers, even "good" ones. You will find her testing your limits, getting into trouble, starting to explore who SHE is and not who YOU want/expect her to be and some of this will happen thru rebellion. Sorry, but I'm just being honest with you. I can tell you after going thru 3 teens of my own- The more you try and push her to do what you think she should do, the LESS she will want to do that. Don't be one of those parents that thinks their kid is perfect. She isn't. And won't be. If you have that expectation, the next five years are going to be a DOOZY for you! And please do NOT be one of those parents that said " If I was her/him, blah blah blah"- because it's IRRELEVANT! You aren't them and they aren't you. Your child isn't going to be (and shouldn't be) a carbon copy of you. Part of your kids growing up can be painful, because they usually don't become exactly who we expect/want them to become. Or utilize their full potential or however you want to put it. My advice. Breathe. Be there as a support and don't try to tell her what to do. (TRUST ME, this will only backfire if you do!) Guide her, by all means. Parent her, by all means. But do not try to FORCE her into something she isn't interested in. Why not ask her if there's something new/different she'd like to try? Maybe she could try for the school play? Or maybe she's interested in animals? Perhaps she'd enjoy the debate team? Or maybe you could interest her in giving yoga a try together? Don't give up or think it's hopeless just because she's lost interest in one field or wants to do something different. This is where YOU really need to be open minded and help her explore her OWN interests. (which may change) When you discuss things- you MUST be calm and not get angry. And this is important- DO IT WITH HER. Do NOT "order her" to "look into anything" or put any expectation. You can even frame it " I was wondering if this weekend you'd like to try X, Y, Z with me?" That way you can get a pulse on stuff she may be developing interests in without being pushy or making it sound like a command. Teens are lazy. So get ready for that. I can tell you the more you say " I won't allow her to do nothing", the more she will want to do JUST THAT. Learn to pick your battles. It's important at the beginning of the teen years to allow for open communication and try to keep your own anger/disappointment in check. It's a very difficult time for young women. Try and establish a sense of calm, communication and support NOW. It will help serve you when things get MUCH MORE challenging (and they WILL) than her not wanting to play a sport anymore. Figure out a strategy on how you want to speak with her. She is starting to become an adult- so just screaming or getting mad won't "scare her into doing what you want" anymore. I can tell you what my girls did when I or their Dad yelled at them as teens- EYE ROLLS- and then they did what they wanted anyway. What WAS effective was speaking to them calmly and maturely and with respect for their own individuality. The teen years are never easy, any way you slice it. It's easier on you physically since they can now care for themselves. But it gets MUCH more challenging emotionally and psychologically. And part of it is US- Learning to accept that they might NOT be like us, understanding that we have to start treating them more maturely and capable. Learning to choose when to have a difficult conversation or when to laugh and let it go. (If she has a day where she spends the day on the couch, is that such a crime? At least you know where she is and she isn't getting into trouble) I feel for you and I get it- Finding that balance is tricky to navigate, especially at first. Just remember, she's not a baby anymore. You have to adapt. BEST OF LUCK TO YOU!
  9. I'm curious. If you've been unhappy with her for years- Why did you choose to have ANOTHER child with her?? I want to give you a little dose of reality here as someone who has been there- You will struggle to have time to date as a single father with two little kids, one of whom is special needs, especially if as you claim, you want to still have them with you most of the time. This only gets harder as a single parent, not easier. Your time will get eaten up on things that weren't there before, like transporting them back and forth to their mother's place. Divorce makes parenting MUCH more complicated AND time consuming. Not to mention that a lot of single women will not dig dating a man with two little kids. Most women are going to wonder why you split from your wife when you basically have 2 little babies together. And that's just with casual dating. IMVHO, it will be even harder to find a woman who is willing to get serious with a man who is getting divorced with 2 little kids. Aside from the aforementioned wondering, it is asking a LOT of woman to take care of two little babies (one of whom is special needs) that are not her own. I'm not saying it's impossible, but it is challenging. I can tell you as a stepmom that struggled with taking on OLDER children (one of whom has special needs) and loving my husband enormously. To be 100% honest, even with as much as I loved him, if the kids had been younger, I don't think I could have done it. Most women want to have a say in raising little kids and if they feel like they can't, it's incredibly challenging when dealing with divorced parents- often a jealous mother who doesn't want anyone else "mothering" her babies (that I frankly understand to a degree) and having no rights of your own. I mean- do what you gotta do. But I can tell you from my own experience- that dating is NOT going to be what you seem to imagine it will be. Take it form a divorcee- dating will NOT be the same as it was pre-marriage and you can't expect it to be. Even saying the D-word to potential dates is scary and that's before even mentioning kids, much less LITTLE kids. And parenting after divorce is VERY hard, even if the BEST of circumstances. Being separated is not the same. It's a whole other ball of wax. Trust me on this. Even if you aren't married to your current wife- she will always be your children's mother. It's not like you will EVER be 100% free from her. She is still going to be an ongoing presence in your daily life. In some ways, in order to co-parent, you will have to talk to her MORE and spend MORE time with her than you currently do. Then you have the issues of: co-parenting, getting along, opinions and conflicts, jealousy and the list goes on and on. I don't condone staying in unhappy marriages. I just think you should know the reality that awaits you has it's own set of challenges that you should be prepared for. It will not be a "freeing" and "carefree" as you imagine. And that's BEFORE even considering going back to dating, which is enormously complicated post divorce, especially post divorce with little kids.
  10. Yellow, I'm really sorry that you are feeling this poorly. But I have to be honest with you. From an outsider's perspective in reading your other posts- Assuming that everything you said was truthful (as I assume it was)- then IMVHO- your marriage never seemed that strong to me. It seems like you kept wishing for him to be someone that he is not and then grew resentful of that. It seems like you always had different love languages and didn't prioritize the same things. In other things you wrote, it seems that overall he seems incredibly narcissistic and that he didn't really care about your feelings all that much. I say this not to be cruel, but because I don't know that it's healthy for you to be overly mournful of something that did not even seem to make you very happy. You kept hoping your marriage would be something that is wasn't in reality. And I'm not judging you, I understand because I have been there-that was my first marriage to a T. I'm confused, are you divorced or getting divorced? Please please PLEASE be kinder to yourself. You may be devastated, sad, disappointed and feel betrayed. I understand that. But PLEASE do NOT (and I get it, because I did this, too) devalue yourself or your worth. He is ONE person. He doesn't define your worth or worthiness of being loved. You are STILL a woman some man would be and feel lucky to have by his side. Your husband's poor choices do NOT change that. Try as best you can, not to think about what YOU might have done differently. If someone wants to cheat, they will- period. Nothing you did or didn't do would have changed that. Errands and laundry aside. It's healthy and normal to mourn the loss of what was or mourn that your marriage was an illusion of what you thought it was or what you thought it could be. But Please for your own sake- DO NOT get mired down in "forever-isms". It's so sad to me when women say stuff like " I'll never recover", " I'm forever broken", etc. because to STAY in this place is an unhealthy choice. Pain is something that happens to you. Choosing to continue suffering is a CHOICE. Please do not fall into this trap. He is ONE person on a planet full of people. Do not hold your own self esteem and future happiness hostage to "prove a point". It never works, anyway. Holding onto anger and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I know it may be hard to see now, but you WILL get thru this. Do NOT hold yourself back from potential future happiness worrying about/thinking about someone who cared so little for you and your feelings. Take this moment, live in it- give yourself permission to grieve. Just don't stay stuck. I've been there and I get it. I wish you all the best in your healing process. Feel free to PM me if you need further support
  11. redswim30


    ^^AGREED. Stay out of their marital problems. Most of us don't know our parents nearly as well as we think we do. And that's natural. We have an image of them as parents, as providers, as support. We don't often think of them as just flawed people that had a past before us, dreams before us, and maybe disappointments after us. And even when we DO take these things into account, no one ever knows another person completely- All their thoughts, fears, worries, stresses, coping mechanisms. Your Dad is clearly a much more complex and frustrated individual than you either realized, admitted or both. Additionally, most kids don't know everything about their parents relationship/marriage. Marriages, especially long term ones, are very complicated and often have secrets (small or large)- whether we discover them or not. You just happened to discover your Dad's. Do NOT lose faith in your own marriage. No two marriages are the same, because no two people and no two relationships are the same. As someone else suggested, if there's anything positive to take from this- use this a a cautionary tale to always communicate with your husband and talk things through. Little problems that go unacknowledged become big problems. It sounds like perhaps your Dad was so focused on work and being the "provider" and "rock", that he cracked under the pressure. I'm NOT condoning cheating, just saying that I understand how it could happen. I know how easy it can be to judge someone for doing something that appears unworthy of them. I will say that based on everything you said, IMVHO, it really sounds like the classic - He felt overwhelmed and not in control of his life and these others things were his way of trying to gain some control, maybe even danger or excitement. Of course, he didn't handle it well and clearly made some big mistakes. I know it's hard, but try not to take sides- You don't know everything that has gone on in their marriage. DO NOT make yourself your Mom's psychiatrist and try not to "work out" anything for her. You also don't need to be your Dad's judge, jury and executioner. Once she has all the facts, it's HER decision what to do. She may choose to divorce OR she may surprise you and decide to stay with him. (cheating isn't necessarily a deal-breaker for everyone) And if that is her choice, she will need your support, too. Coming to the realization that our parents are not perfect people or spouses (or that maybe they aren't who we thought they were) can be shocking. Take a minute and breathe, but do NOT get involved in the drama of it all. Mom and Dad need to sort this out themselves.
  12. Wasn't meant as an attack on you, j.man. Most of my post was directed towards the OP. If it read otherwise to you, it was unintentional. I actually agree with most of what you're saying. I just disagree that their supervisor is being unprofessional, that's all. But I completely agree that trash talking a boss at work never did anyone any good. Anything in writing is always bad and can unintentionally come back to haunt you. Especially when concerning one's supposed "friends". I've seen this time and time again. The base of our advice was the same with a few minor variances, that the OP would do best to limit what she says to anyone, not trash talk in writing, and focus on her work. :)
  13. Doesn't matter how tactful you are. A co-worker has you trash talking your boss in writing. Never a good thing under ANY circumstance. I would cut it out if I were you. Yes, in a perfect world people everyone would be act like adults and be respectful and communicative. Alas, office politics and games abound! Why I suggested minimizing contact with Abby and sticking to your work.
  14. In MOST office jobs (and most jobs in general), you DO have to "toe a line", so to speak, it's a JOB!!!! If there's a job out there where you can behave however you want without consequences, I've certainly never had one of those. I also don't know where you think you will find the job where you will agree with every decision your direct supervisor will ever make. I've never had one of those, either. Even in the BEST of environments. I am a supervisor in an office and I can tell you- it is HARD. Especially in middle management, you get a lot of direct orders from above that you may personally disagree with, but have to carry out anyway. So some of the managerial choices you disagree with, may be coming from company protocol, and not from Jessica. It's hard to try to follow company rules, try and be fair to everyone, and manage in a style that suits everyone and have to make tough decisions left and right that you KNOW everyone will not agree with. I DO agree that if Abby is that unhappy, she should just leave and you need to stop texting venom NOW. Especially if you're doing it AT work, as this can absolutely be used against you. You and Abby are in the wrong here, not Jessica, from a company's POV. Supervisors often ask about fellow employees. This is actually VERY common and happens more than you think. It makes sense that if someone just quit, Jessica is going to feel protective and try and be proactive about others leaving. And if Abby has been acting this unhappy and not sharing that with Jessica- I can frankly completely UNDERSTAND why as her friend, she would ask you. I can tell you that she is WELL within her rights as a manager to ask this, especially if Abby is acting hostile at work (BTW, that alone can get you fired). In all honestly, I'd probably do the same thing in Jessica's shoes. There's nothing unprofessional about that. Jessica is allowed to ask and I can tell you- there's nothing illegal or unsavory or anything from a corporate POV that prevents her from doing so. Upper management would likely applaud her for being proactive. You don't have to answer, but you should cut out the negative talk NOW!!! And truthfully, if you think office employees don't ALL talk about one another behind each other's back, you are incredibly naive. My advice- You need to speak to Abby now. Tell her that if she is really that unhappy, she should consider looking for another job. Tell her you cannot engage with her in negative talk about Jessica, especially not AT work. You can say that while you also disagree with some of Jessica's choices, you are sure she is trying her best and that being a supervisor isn't easy and that every choice isn't going to be popular. Supervisors are PEOPLE, after all. I can tell you that I've had to make some tough calls. I've made mistakes! I've done stupid things that I've regretted. I've had to make apologies. And it's VERY easy to blame direct supers, but you NEVER know what orders that they are getting from THEIR bosses. DO NOT TELL ABBY THAT JESSICA asked about her!!! Just stop the negative chatter and focus on your work, then if Jessica asks you again, you can be honest in saying that you have just been focused on your work- which will look more honest if Jessica doesn't see you two texting back and forth all day long. And put yourself in Jessica's shoes for a moment- If you saw two employees texting all day long and one was acting really negative- How would YOU feel? And it's not even about personal feelings- in this day and age with all the office related shootings, you are EXPECTED as a supervisor to be proactive and vigilant about negative stuff and possible threats and disgruntled employees (Yes, this IS a thing now! We have managers meetings about this ALL THE TIME) . Hence, why Jessica asking is NOT wrong and even applauded- I'm just being honest with you. Besides all of this, and I have seen this ALL THE TIME- Many times people you think on your "friends" will turn on you SO QUICK!!!!! If you have a fight with Abby at some point, she could show Jessica those texts, and then guess who is fired? YOU! Or Abby could leave and take a scorched earth approach. Again, I have seen this time and time again- people ratting out former friends. Speak your piece to Abby, stop lambasting Jessica, and focus on your work.
  15. Okay, so I am a little confused by your post. Mainly because you appear to be filled with contradictions. You admit Bobby was a good friend to John, then later say you don't consider him a good friend. You say you don't judge, then go on to judge Bobby. You say your husband wants to remain friends with Bobby, but that you prefer he ditch him. You say that you don't talk about his ex-wife, but somehow she was brought up, and if she was a terrible person and you are happy, then I'm not sure why you care? What exactly was said about her to make you this angry? And again, if you don't think Bobby is a "quality person" then why does it matter what he thinks/says? The bottom line is- You cannot know everything these two men went through together. You weren't there. Bonds like this that develop can stay for life. If your husband is flat out saying that he wants to remain friends, that's it. He wants to remain friends. I recommend just avoiding him yourself if he bugs you this much. When Bobby comes over, go out. You don't have to be his friend in order for your husband to be his friend. You can't control your husband, how he thinks, or his feelings. It's interesting to me that you refer to his ex-wife as manipulative and this friend as a "user" essentially- IMVHO, Perhaps your husband has trouble picking "quality people". The common denominator is him. I'd say the red flags here lie with your husband. Either he A. Has co-dependency issues and selects people based on that or B. He is not being fully honest with you about the scope of the relationships between him and this friend and him and his ex. He's either told you what you want to hear or doesn't take responsibility for his actions in relationships. Either way, your husband seems to have problems navigating healthy relationships. He ditched his ex, he could ditch this friend, but at the end of the day- if he continues to choose people that are "bad for him", the cycle will just continue. This isn't about Bobby, it's about John.
  16. ^^^ AGREED!!!! It doesn't matter if you made mistakes in the beginning. She could either forgive you and move on or not forgive you and break up. BUT- she opted for the unhealthiest option- pretend to forgive you but really didn't and now feels entitled to treat you horribly because of "that time when"- this is not healthy and not a recipe for a successful marriage. Everyone always has "their side of the story", it still never gives someone the right to physically hurt or threaten to physically hurt their partner. That is abusive. Controlling behavior, including monitoring your partner, is abusive. Trying in invalidate your feelings is abusive, threatening to leave every time you fight is abusive. I could go on......... During your marriage, you will have PLENTY of times when one each of you will "screw up" in big ways and small. You HAVE to be able to forgive each other and move forwards or your marriage will never last. You may LOVE her and want things to work, but please understand YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE and they will NOT change just because you want them to. Look, relationships are either healthy or not, you can't wish "health" into it- it's either there or it isn't. A lot of people run around in total denial " Our relationship would be fine IF ONLY he/she did THIS", but THIS never comes and people wait around aimlessly for something that will never happen to happen. Loving someone is NOT the same as being able to live with them. It's really up to you if you want to be treated this way for the rest of your life. IMVHO, I would NOT marry this woman if I were you. Issues that are a problem before marriage, only amplify 1000% after. If you think it's bad now, just wait until she "has you". Good luck.
  17. I disagree. I see this purely as a revenge move that changes nothing and only serves to make the OP more obsessed with this guy and trying to see "the results" and "fallout" of this on social media. It doesn't matter anymore. I get the temptation. I sometimes wonder what lies about me my ex-husband may have told his current wife. But it doesn't matter, because it ultimately doesn't change a thing of how OUR marriage went down. IMVHO, the OP needs a clean break. This action would only serve to prolong her pain.
  18. First, I'm sorry this happened. STOP checking his social media. Block him. You know you are only hurting yourself by doing this. It's a normal feeling to want someone to hurt the way they hurt you. It's a normal feeling to want someone to get "what they deserve". BUT, it is not healthy for that feeling to linger or to dwell on this. Allow yourself that moment of anger, then move on. Revenge solves nothing. What IF he was sad? Would that change what happened or take away any the pain of what happened? There's a beautiful saying " Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." By continuing to be angry, you hurt only yourself. And truthfully, the more you hang on to these feelings, you make the other person look MORE justified in breaking up with you. He is NOT thinking about you. This is not about "winning" and "losing" and you MUST stop thinking about it that way. Besides, it's all perspective. Would you really want to be with a liar and cheater in the long term? To me that sounds like you won and she lost. Please do not bash this other girl, especially her looks. Sorry, but that's really petty and immature. Please have enough self respect not to sink to that level. She cannot control HIS actions and you NEVER know what he might have told her. Sometimes some people are just a better fit for us than others. People get it wrong when they think of it in the terms you just used. It isn't about what you "did" or "didn't do" and sometimes we can't put in words why one person is better for us than another. This is not a competition between you and her. You seem to have self esteem issues, because if you felt strong self worth you'd be saying, " He's a loser who missed out a great woman" but instead you feel the need to bash them both and wonder what magical quality she has that you do not while going repeatedly on his social media hoping that something " bad happens". You are not in a healthy place. For your own sake, please seek counseling. In the meantime, block him NOW. Stop wasting time wondering. It's over. You need to accept that and move on. Do not waste one more minute of your precious life worrying about someone who ultimately didn't care that much about you. I know it sucks, but you have to take care of yourself. Surround yourself with positive people and instead of looking him up and fretting over whether or not he's happy- be more concerned with whether or not what you're doing is making YOU happy. All the best to you.
  19. OP, this is SO spot on!!! Please re-read this, especially the bolded part over and over. I know because my first marriage was abusive in the same way and this hits the nail directly on the head. Great post, Dancing and SO VERY TRUE!
  20. My view on platonic friendship- They are entirely possible no matter with who and no matter your marital status. I disagree that if you form an emotional bond with someone of the opposite sex, it always or inevitably turns physical. I am married with a best friend who is male. We have a close emotional bond, but we are like brother and sister. If someone wants to start something- no "issue" is going to stop from from becoming physical if they want to, especially if they just want sex. Being married doesn't stop people who want to cheat, nor does being a different religion. Divorce rates are increasing because there's not a big stigma about getting divorced anymore. There's been a sharp increase in senior divorces. People are living longer, too. I don't think the number of unhappy marriages has changed, just people wising up to the fact that you don't have to stay" in a bad marriage just because it's expected and live another 30-40 years unhappily for no real reason. I think in the past there was just a lot more "suffering through it"- I don't think that there were more happy marriages. In terms of infidelity, People don't like to hear this, but it's the truth- There is NO possible way to "affair- proof" any relationship. And no one can EVER be 100% certain their spouse isn't cheating (unless you are with them 24/7)- it all comes down to what you believe. You cannot control another person and people change over time. You can be the best spouse in the world, but if someone want to cheat, they will- and there's really nothing you can do to "stop them". Sometimes someone might be faithful for years and cheat. You never know. And if we are being honest with ourselves, you can't always predict how you YOURSELF will change over 20-40 years. You just can't. Some affairs happen that started as friendship, but that does not mean that EVERY opposite gender friendship becomes an affair. Jealousy- There's a BIG difference between a particular behavior that gets repeated and makes your spouse uncomfortable- I.e. An opposite gender friend that consistently flirts or goes out of their way to do inappropriate things VERSUS a spouse behaving jealously around every encounter you have with the opposite gender. I.e. My ex husband would act insanely jealous if I even SPOKE to another man at a party or social networking event, even if it was all business. He didn't trust me at ALL- ironic, since he cheated on me and I never cheated on him. About attraction/ flirting- I will just put this out there. Your spouse is going to find other people attractive, period. You are going to find other people attractive, period. I think people who claim that they don't find ANYONE or have NEVER found anyone attractive besides their spouse is either in complete denial or a liar. It's fine to think other people are attractive, it's perfectly normal and healthy. You are married, not DEAD. It's if you put that into ACTION where trouble can come in. I know some people will disagree with me here and that's fine- this is just MY opinion and experience. My husband and I operate from a place of trust and honesty. But we are fine with each other harmlessly flirting with other people, stuff like' You look pretty today". We can discuss if we find someone else attractive. We both trust each other to never cross any lines. Because again, you can never be 100% sure your spouse isn't cheating on you. It all boils down to if you trust and believe them. And if you DO NOT trust and believe them, then you have bigger problems. IMVHO, the fact that my husband and I can say " There's a new guy at work that's really attractive. He called me pretty and I thought it was a nice compliment" actually makes us acknowledge each other's humanity and makes us closer because we feel we can be totally honest with each other. Then he will respond with " Because he's right. You are very pretty and why wouldn't a handsome man find you attractive." It also IMVHO, keeps us aware that we have to keep TRYING for each other. I think there's a danger in complacency and spouses who think their spouse will never leave them " just because". And just because your spouse doesn't tell you someone flirted with them, doesn't mean it hasn't happened (chances are it HAS, whether they told you or not) I don't care if my husband has little crushes, it's bound to happen anyway, but this way he feels comfortable telling me. This way he knows that I respect his humanity and is more open with me. As long as he comes home to me, what do I care if some woman calls him " Handsome, smart, funny"- he IS all those things. And even if he flirts a little back, it doesn't bother me. I TRUST him not to cross any major lines and he in turn, TRUSTS me. Because when all is said and done- Many spouses flirt with others all the time, they just don't talk about it. IMVHO, by NOT talking about it- You create a world separate from your spouse. Therefore, it becomes forbidden fruit and more intriguing. Instead of, " Yeah, he's cute. But I love my husband and would never do anything to hurt him. After all, I know that other women find him attractive and he still CHOOSES to stay with me and stay faithful to me." I think that when you operate from a place of trust and honesty, you are more likely to receive trust and honesty in return. But that's just my two.
  21. [/color][/size][/font] One example: I was out with the flu and she planned to makedinner after getting home. I took a sickday and agreed to wash the vegetables to help her out. Turns out, I also had to clear the sink anddo dishes before I could get to her task. When she got home and saw that it wasn’tready, she got pissed and refused to make dinner. I offered to order take out instead, but thatjust made her angrier. We got in a huge fight, and I ended up losing my voiceon top of the flu. I'd be THRILLED if my husband did the dishes for me, especially when he is sick. Most of the time, my husband just moans on a couch when he has a cold. She is incredibly immature, is emotionally abusive and has anger issues. I’ve tried to address these issues early on, but she always tellsme that my expectations are unrealistic and that she isn’t going tochange. It’s my first serious relationship,so I think I’ve put a lot more effort into it than a lot of you would have. More recently our bigger fights have put marriageon the line, she hits back with “if you don’t like it, you can walk”, or “Fine,you can have your way if you make a million dollars, so I can quit my job.” I know it’s a bad dynamic, and I’ve run outof ideas on how to have a constructive dialogue.[/font So, she's being controlling AND emotionally abusive. Ultimatums like this are emotional blackmail, you do realize that, right? She's telling you point blank that she isn't going to change. Do you really want possibly 50 more years of this???? You cannot have a constructive conversation with someone who refuses to have one. Forget about the kids idea for a minute- Do you really want to be treated this way for the rest of your life? OP, you deserve SO much better than this. Please please please please please call off this wedding. Love her or not, this woman is not in ANY way ready for marriage or children. Not even close.
  22. If it doesn't feel like a mutual effort, that's because it isn't. Stop fooling yourself and trying to convince yourself that she will do what you want her to. You can love someone and think they have "good qualities", that doesn't mean they'd be a good spouse. My ex-husband had a lot of "good qualities" but was a lousy husband. If EVERY SIGN is telling you it's a bad idea, then WHY are you still doing it??? She's rejecting the idea of counseling post-marriage because after you are married, she REALLY won't make any compromises, because she "has you". A LOT of spouses 'stop trying' when they think they "have someone"- sometimes it's after the marriage, sometimes it's after kids (I can treat them however I want cause we have KIDS now! They will never leave) You know this isn't right. Please have some self-respect and call this wedding off. There are women out there who will also have "good qualities" without being emotionally abusive to you. Please know that. 38 is still young, you have time, do NOT make this decision just because of your age.
  23. 100% AGREE!!!!!! Do NOT marry this woman. You will not be doing yourself or her ANY favors. And please, do NOT have children together!!! I am the child of parents who couldn't get along and stayed together "for me". It is more horrible than you can possibly imagine to be a child in that situation. It did an enormous amount of mental and psychological damage to me that took me most of my adult life to recover from. If you haven't been able to sort out your issues in several years, I'm really not sure why you think having a ceremony will change anything? Having children puts a huge strain on marriages in the BEST of situations. Please, please, PLEASE do not do this!!!!! Sometimes we can love people who aren't right for us or don't bring out the best in us. It's okay to admit you shouldn't be married. It doesn't mean you didn't try or have genuine love for each other. Not every long term relationship has to end in marriage and many shouldn't! I wish someone had told me this years ago. It may be hard to call off the wedding now- but PLEASE trust me on this- Divorce is MUCH harder, Divorce with KIDS is harder still. If she is this challenging now, I cringe to think how she'd be with you in a divorce-co-parenting situation. I have to wonder- have you been married before? Are you concerned about having marriage/babies before hitting 40? I'm wondering if that is playing a factor in making these potentially catastrophic decisions.
  24. There is a reason to be in touch with her all the time- she says that he and his ex have kids together. Don't get with someone who has kids if you can't handle that. They will be co-parents for the rest of their lives. But, I agree- why was he in jail???
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