Ade72

This is definitely not happening again - so going forward I will be able to demonstrate this to a potential partner - the price I am paying will be losing this new lady that was right in so many ways

Thank you, I know it’s perfectly reasonable to decide not to go, it’s just that she made me feel so bad to starting to tell her I couldn’t go, I felt awful and couldn’t stick to it

That bit isn’t true, I wanted to remain friends as I don’t want the last 20 years to have been wasted. Unlike so many couples that can’t even look at each other or be in the same room, I don’t want that

I think it would undo the work that had been done by my ex and I to remain friends

It also spells out that I am trying to consider other people in this mess - yes I made it but I have been swayed as she said that she wouldn’t go alone and that she knows we are not reconciling. I was desperate to stick to my guns but it felt bad on top of already feeling bad for the situation itself

She says that isn’t the case - she said our adult children would like a reconciliation but she has told them it isn’t what I want. I appreciate everything you say though, since my original post the contact has reduced greatly (intentionally on my part)…..

Hey all - I hope you are all doing ok. Last night I desperately tried to tell my ex I couldn’t go on the holiday - it’s a week today, I talked about false hope, how it wouldn’t help in the long run etc - she said she knows we aren’t getting back together. She said she would like that to happen but knows that it’s not happening. I took ages to get the courage to speak to her about it, as I still worry about her feelings. She said she would be disappointed if I pull out, that she needs a holiday and that she doesn’t want to go alone. I crumbled and backed down. I have such an upset stomach today, always a side effect of worrying. I was so determined not to go as it had dawned on me that it wasn’t going to help anybody in the long run. I now have to realise I have lost the chance of being with the lady I was dating because I can’t put myself first, so she will think that she will never be top of my list either. feel so lost

I agree I am the wrong person, motivated isn’t quite right but I think I get you. I do feel guilty of course because I am not a bad person, some people would walk and not look back but I can’t do that 😢

Hey thank you, no the trip isn’t the best idea - not sure what to do though as it was her idea to still go, I said can’t you take a best friend etc but she said no. I suppose I am trying to not hurt her more. Re, how she is taking it - she says she feels sad when I go after seeing her - for example if we work a shift at her warehouse she will say come in for a cup of tea - then when I go she might message sometimes and say it is still weird that I am gone. That’s difficult for me to see and must be difficult for her to express too. some days she says she isn’t sleeping well, I try not to discuss that with her as I don’t want to assume it’s to do with the split but I think it’s due to her always having somebody (me with her overnight) - it will take some adjusting to

Hey thank you, I am unsure by what you mean here. I am not being awkward, just unsure how you mean they are not mine - is this because they are not biologically mine? Surely the split from their mother doesn’t mean I can see myself as not their father/grandfather yes my eldest grandson is almost 6 and he loves fishing, well he has only been once and that was with me and he caught some lovely fish and I have such lovely memories of that time with him

This is inaccurate, my ex initiates contact with me, and asks me to work overtime at her warehouse as they need experienced staff. None of this is me instigating it. The kids were more guarded to begin with (understandably) but now we are in regular contact via messages and I have seen them several times, I am also taking my eldest grandson fishing at the end of the month.

Ok abrasive rather than caustic, I hear you but the last thing I am is cold or self-absorbed. I hear what you are saying but I can’t agree with it. I am just trying to navigate through a difficult situation for my family but also for me

Hey I appreciate any feedback but it is true, and do you need to be so caustic? No I am not suggesting it’s ok, I was explaining that was how I tried to cope with the situation, not suggesting it was “right” - just explaining the actions I took at the time

Totally, I am sitting at work here now - she is off work and I am intentionally stopping myself messaging her - she was out on a work outing last night and I woke to a text saying she was drunk and she said goodnight. I totally get it’s down to her as to how the friendship pans out. with the kids, it seems that I will get out what I put in, I message them every other day and I am taking my grandson fishing towards the end of the month, things are looking quite positive there thankfully

Also I left because I didn’t feel things could be fixed, I dated somebody else to try and fill the void as I have never been on my own.