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redswim30

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Everything posted by redswim30

  1. Two months is extremely fast to move in with someone. Talking about exes isn't always necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can be helpful to talk thru WHY that relationship failed or identify triggers for you or ways in which you have grown with your partner. However, it is important to know WHY. Are you doing it to be constructive or are you crying on each other's shoulders? Are you trying to set up your relationship for success by sharing what went wrong? Or do you not really have anything else in common besides negativity about your exes? In all honesty, I think most partners talk about their exes to a degree. I think it's important to both know and understand your partner's past. But there's a difference between that and it being a crutch or a way to not move forward. Perhaps you moved in together hastily. Maybe you should put the brakes on this relationship, find your own place and really talk about if this is a case of neither of you actually being ready to pursue this relationship fairly.
  2. OP, please DUMP HIM! DUMP HIM NOW! I'm serious. You are NOT in ANY way overweight and I HATE that he's even made you THINK that you are!!!! I had relatives that died last year and when I was sitting over death beds, NOT ONE person was thinking about how much they WEIGHED. It's an extreme example, but you take my meaning. What matters is the person and those who love you don't care one JOT. Let me tell you another story. During my first marriage, we met young when I was "model thin" and a size 0. When we got a little older, I was a size 1 and he said he wasn't as attracted to me anymore. I knew then that he didn't really love me, because I was more than just a SIZE. We got divorced. I am happily remarried and I weigh more than I ever have. Weight changes as you age. Take it from a lady of a certain age. I too, used to be "model thin" but hormones and metabolism change. I'm also the healthiest I've ever been and the HAPPIEST I've ever been. My husband does not care if I'm a size 2 or 16. He loves ME. I'm sorry, but this man does not love you. Especially if you are HEALTHIER now. Someone who loves you would care FAR more about that. And again, 145 is VERY normal and HEALTHY weight. And come ON, do not let him off the hook with " He feels bad about it, though" as if that makes him a BETTER person? What if you had cancer and lost your hair? What if you got in an accident and became disabled? And he never wanted to have sex with you, but "felt bad". He doesn't deserve a kindness medal for " feeling bad", because he is making YOU feel bad, unattractive and unlovable for caring about your HEALTH. Please PLEASE DUMP HIM! He's not a good person. Please do not even CONSIDER marrying him. Take it from someone who has been there. Your body is GOING to change over the years. Looks FADE. If he doesn't care enough about the person inside, that says it all. FYI, TONS of men would be excited to date you and NOT consider you FAT in ANY way, shape or form. Don't NOT believe this jerk's lies.
  3. While I do think in this case that it was a good thing to for him to put this particular friendship on the rock and I 'm glad he took your concerns seriously. You do want to be careful in the future. Think about if you are ok with him having female friends or not, and if so- what particular boundaries do you expect? You can have female friends, but don't hide it? You can have female friends, but don't text them all night? And so forth. Everyone is different in their comfort level. Once you do set these boundaries, you must be careful never to cross them yourself or get upset if he is following them and you just happened not to like one of his female friends. I'm glad you had a conversation. But, it's important to have that follow up conversation, cause if you don't or don't adhere to your own rules- " You made me stop being friends with so and so" is likely to bite you in the rear end someday.
  4. Everyone is different, but I will answers these as honestly as I can. 1. Why is it that when you date you seem to have a different perspectives on how Sex should be between the two of you, (IE - frequency, level of interest, spontaneous, experimentation of different things, and energy level etc) ? I just have to go with everyone is different on this one. You need to find someone who has sex as as high a priority as you do. 2. Why is it when your married those things mentioned above seen to dwindle and ones / or both in the marriage perspective becomes less of Sex and more of the daily grind ? This is exactly the reason why some people who love sex, don't want to get married. Even with couples who are SUPER into each other, the 500th time isn't going to be as exciting as the 1st- 10th time. Dating is much different than daily life. When you are dating of course the sex can be more spontaneous and fun, you are only seeing the person for fun. Once you are married, real life kicks in. Your partner WON'T always be in the mood. Life happens. Again, this goes back to finding someone who sex is the same priority level as you. 3. Why is it that when a man/husband wants to make love to his wife it comes off like he is a teenager in heat to the wife? After years of marriage shouldn't it be both ways? Why does it become the man initiation all the time? Why does the woman become so uninterested? I don't think all women are like this, but I won't lie, some are. Some women just see sex as a means to marriage and children and lose interest after both. Or you may have a wife who just isn't that interesting in sex for itself. 4. Are there woman out there that can handle the daily stressors, kids, home chores etc and still have a pumped up libido? Or does that not exist? It depends on what you mean by "PUMPED UP". Most women's sexual desires do change after children. It's the old joke- " You can either have a romantic and sexual marriage OR children, but you can't have both." There are lots of women who have amped up sexual lives, but they often are not married or do not want children. Of course, some women exist who have and want both. Everyone is different. But if you are looking for a woman who is NEVER stressed and constantly wants sex- THAT woman does not exist. 5. Yes I've heard my share in the last year (weirdly) of Men claiming they are "too tired" however how did we get to that point? Isnt sex suppose to be enjoyable? Men saying that is rare unless they are tapped out of the marriage but Woman seem to have the excuse down to a science NOT all women, but some women do see sex as simply a "duty" and don't really enjoy it. Men who don't want sex give excuses, too. Just ask my ex-husband. It's all about finding someone who matches your level. My ex husband and I weren't at the same level. My current husband and I both prioritize sex, so it's different. 6. What are the major players in a persons (wives) life that will completely zap one of her sexual desire on any given day? (Ive heard the actual comment "I have my urges during the day, but than they quickly fade away" if that is the case why not act on them with your husband? This is normal, I think. But I think it's normal for men as well. Maybe you're at work? Maybe you just watched a sexy movie, but by the time your spouse gets home, you're tired? So, I actually think this is normal. Life and stress gets in the way sometimes. 7. What does it take to bring back that energetic, lusting person you once known ? Going away alone? House chores done? What does it for you ? Isnt having sex/making love bring two closer? Feel good? Lessen stress? Have fun? You need to know your partner's love language. Maybe it IS doing chores for your wife, or maybe it's having a date night. I think you need to think the opposite way, from a woman's perspective. IMVHO, most women need to ALREADY feel emotionally close and in a good mood to WANT to have sex. We don't see sex as a MEANS to lower stress, that's more of a guy thing in general. 8. Does having the kids out of the house eventually bring back that lust, and sexual health that you once had? Maybe yes, maybe no. Some parents once the kids leave the nest, find they have nothing in common anymore or their marriage has gone totally by the wayside. IMO, you need to work on that NOW and not wait until the kids are gone cause that might already be too late. And NO, I wouldn't expect a YEARS long pattern of not making sex a priority suddenly to change just cause the kids are gone. Some women (and men) actually get depressed once the kids leave. This is ESPECIALLY true in marriages where the kids has been the glue to an already crumbling marriage. 9. Overall why do woman change and why is it so mental to get in the mood? Again, I don't think every woman is like this. But kids DO change everything about your sex life. Period. It's just a fact. You have to both want to make sex a priority or it won't change. 10. Does it bother you that your husband/man has such a high libido all the time? I LOVE that my husband has such a high libido. But his ex-wife didn't. Most of this boils down to finding the right person to begin with. You cannot magically make someone want sex to be a priority if they don't want that. Not to get down on kids, but it's just true for a lot of people that having kids often makes sex dwindle or become non-existent at least for a while, if not a long time unless you make it a priority. That's why people really need to think about what matters most to them and what they are willing to compromise on. To be totally honest with you, a lot of women stop caring about sex after having kids. But lots of other women don't- they still want it. Change happens anytime you are with someone for a long period of time. Long marriages are WORK and you have to be willing to do that work. Or if in the long run your partner ISN'T willing to do that work, you have to decide if it's a deal breaker for you or not. Marriage changes things and so do children. This is why it's important to either decide that sex is your highest priority and NOT get married so you can be free to just have that FUN and that PUMPED UP feeling that never fades since you just have one new partner after the next. Or you get married and try to work out with your spouse whether or not you want kids and IF you do, how you will navigate making sex a priority so you don't lose that connection. Sex isn't everything in a relationship, but it is an important element. I don't mean to sound down on kids and I don't like to generalize, but in my experience I find most of these things to be true. Many people have kids and still have strong sex lives, but it DOES require more work and effort from BOTH partners. But the truest of them ALL is this, people don't really TALK about sex and how much of a priority it is for them before marriage. But everyone should. I think many people marry and do not discover they are on MUCH different pages about sex until it comes times for kids or even AFTER and by then, there's much you can do others than either TRY and work on it together or separate.
  5. Sometimes when people have been together "forever", it isn't a good idea to marry that person - I say as a person who married someone because we were together "forever" and everyone expected it. I'm not saying long term relationships are always this way, but too often they can end up being more of a "security blanket" or " fear of being alone" rather than staying together out of deep, genuine love. May or may not be the case here. Do NOT "confront him", but you will need to talk to him. These are the conversations that no one loves, but must be had. You say repeatedly that you love this man. You're going to have to be direct and try as best as you can to listen. It could well be that this isn't really about you and whatever he's going thru is just manifesting itself as complacency towards other things/people. Now, I will be brutally honest- It could be about you. BUT even if it is, wouldn't you rather know than pretend and lie to each other for goodness knows how many years? Before you talk to him, I want you to do something. Go ahead and picture the absolute worst thing that can happen in your mind. Have that full conversation in your head. This will first help you get rid of your own knee jerk reactions, but it will also prepare you. Sometimes our FEAR of the worst is actually WORSE in our heads that the result of what the worst case scenario would actually be- if that makes sense. Trust me as someone who has been thru something similar- it is much better to know if a major shift has happened sooner than not, so you can both move on with your life. Maybe it isn't what you are assuming it is and he needs help with an underlying issue like depression. You aren't going to know until you talk. Do not avoid having this conversation. It must happen. Something may change once you do. But Nothing will change if you don't. Why are you so nervous to have this conversation? I understand that it is scary, BUT do you really want to be in a marriage that's based on avoidance, lies, and not being honest with each other? I think you already know that a marriage that only "succeeds" due to one person sacrificing their well being to make the other person "happy" isn't healthy. Best of luck to you.
  6. OP, seeing what you wrote on this and a previous thread- IMO, your husband is already having an emotional affair, if not a physical one as well. WHY is it that you want a second baby so badly? Is it because you've always wanted a big family? Or are you trying to "re-kindle" the marriage with another child? Either way, if your husband has decided that he doesn't want another one- the reason doesn't really matter. You will not be able to convince him to want what you want. And if you "force him" this will only lead to resentment and an even bigger rift in your marriage than you currently have. With the current state of your marriage, I personally would NOT recommend having another child at this time. Only you can know if not having another child is a deal breaker for you or not. Could you be content in this marriage forever with just you, your husband, and your son? Or not? I think your husband is definitely keeping his true feelings about a lot of things to himself. You say your son is 3. Have you noticed a difference in how you've treated your husband since the baby arrived? Many men- whether consciously or not, get very jealous with the attention the wife lavishes on the baby. Many men will- even if they don't say it- grow resentful or lose sexual interest in their wife, or start contemplating their own mortality once they have a child. A lot of men are great fathers and can still have feelings like this, and sometimes even feel guilty about them. But I'm sorry to say, but IMVHO, your husband is exhibiting a lot of the classic signs of the above. Wanting to "flirt with another woman to still feel attractive and young"- putting off sex with his wife and being short tempered, moody or depressed. Saying that he doesn't want another child on top of this can point to the fact that even though he probably loves your son to pieces, he didn't like the "extras" that came along with being a father. When he says that he doesn't want another child, you should believe him. Working with kids and liking kids is not in any way equal to wanting a big family of your own. Also, people can change their minds. Anyone who has kids can tell you that they IDEA of having multiple children is FAR different from the reality of having multiple children. And I will tell you from my own experience- multiple children is MUCH harder than one. And if your marriage going into that isn't ROCK solid, you are going to have severe issues. It's hard enough when your marriage IS rock solid. Perhaps parenthood is just way more difficult than he had expected. It does seem that having your son put a strain on your marriage. OP, you really need to think about if you want to stay married to this man. Your son is only 3 and he is already behaving this way. Already crossing affair boundaries, already being secretive and dishonest with you, already having emotional issues. Kids only get harder to parent as they age, not easier. Honestly, I worry for you. He may still love you, but is coming to grips with the fact that maybe this isn't the life he really wants. And I'm VERY sorry to say, but I will be totally honest with you- it's one thing to be moody and snap at YOU (even though It's still not right) but to snap and be moody with your 3 year old SON- to me that is IMVHO, abusive behavior. No parent should ever take their adult emotional issues out on their toddler. It's sad and frustrating (take it from someone who knows) to realize AFTER marriage and years of commitment that perhaps you and your spouse are not really compatible in the long term. You need to have a hard conversation with yourself- what is it that you REALLY want? I'd highly recommend individual counseling for you. What is your priority? Fixing your marriage? Having another child? There's no right or wrong, but until you know what matters most to you, you aren't going to know how to proceed. But if you're just waiting for your husband to magically agree with you and stop behaving this way overnight, you will only be disappointed. No matter what you decide, understand that he will never change just by you wishing he would. Time to start thinking about reality. Realistically, what are your expectations for the next few years? And can you see that with your husband or not. Best of luck to you.
  7. ^ I think this is great advice! If you want to know, just ask her and be simple about it. I wouldn't wait too long. Not everyone needs tons of "recovery time" after a break up. I think there are times when people may have emotionally been out of their previous relationship for a while. But everyone is different, there's no right or wrong. But IMO, if you wait too long she may have another bf. I see no reason you can't ask her soon and casually. If the answer is no, then you don't have to worry about a time frame. If the answer is yes then she will have it in mind for whenever she is ready to date- be it a month or more.
  8. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I completely empathize. I got divorced many years ago, and even though I KNEW it was the right thing to do, it still really hurt a lot. If you know in your heart of hearts and in your gut that it was the right thing to do- then it WAS. I can only tell you from my experience that it DOES get better and easier with time. In retrospect, I wish I had done it sooner. Years later, I am now married to the love of my life and happier than ever before. Looking back, I can't believe that in my previous marriage I settled that much or thought I didn't deserve better. I don't know you, but I am PROUD of you! It is so hard to walk away from something that is comfortable, even if we know we aren't happy. I am so glad you started therapy, that is an important support to have at this sensitive time. Crying during this time is normal. It still hurts to leave a marriage, even when we are confident that it is for the best. I'm glad you're here on this board. It's a GREAT support to have. We are always here whenever you are ready. In the meantime, please take good care of yourself. Treat yourself. Do things that make you happy. You are free to do whatever you want. LIGHT AND LOVE AND HUGS TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  9. Op, you do NOT have to just " figure out how to live with it" and you shouldn't. You need to try and work this out together. Otherwise if neither of you is really happy, there is going to be resentment for one or both of you or else lead to an inevitable breakup. Anyone who has been married long -term will tell you that all marriages go thru highs and lows, no marriage is perfect. The fact is people change and it can sometimes to hard to process how or why your spouse changed. Whether or not you see it- every single marriage has tough times, even the happiest ones. There is no perfect person or perfect relationship, so get any ideas of perfection out of your head- because it doesn't exist. That being said, sometimes we also make mistakes when we get married. Sometimes we do love someone, but as time goes by, we realize that either we aren't compatible anymore or perhaps never really were. What to you is so "entirely differrent"? IMHO, you need to ask yourself this question. Then think about if this can be worked thru, or if perhaps if you don't see a long term future. Whatever you do, please do not just stay in this marriage to stay in the marriage. That would not be happy or healthy for any of you. If you DO decide you want to try and work things out- Maybe talk with your family and mention that YOU don't like them comparing your husband to your brother in law. This is where you have to be supportive and ask your family not to do something that hurts your husband. I'm wondering if perhaps you subconsciously agree with the veiled criticism by comparison and your husband has picked up on this? You need to stand up for him, he's your husband. I'll be honest with you, the first MIL I ever had did NOT like me and made it pretty clear with little comments and jabs and my ex-husband never stood up to her. It certainly didn't make me want to visit her and it made me feel like he didn't love me enough to stand up for me the way I would have, had the roles been reversed. No one likes to feel attacked and making sure our spouses feel accepted and loved no matter the circumstance is incredibly important. Make sure that he knows that you love him as he is, not just an image you had of him or a husband in general. Does he have a medical professional to help him with his anxiety? If not, he should seek care. How old are your children? Something that isn't discussed a lot (because we often just see childbearing and how having children effects women) but many men have issues after adding children to their family. Whether it be fear of the sense of permanence, Anxiety about growing older, viewing their wife in a different light or plain old jealousy that the kids are getting most of the wife's attention. It could be one, none or all of these. If your children are both young, you probably are more focused on them- which ISN'T a bad thing, but you need to try and notice how your husband might be feeling in this dynamic. Observe. I mention this because you say things weren't this way at the start (Ie Before having kids) You are going to have to keep talking about this, unpleasant as it may be. Try your best to really hear him and not be judgmental. But please, for both your sakes and especially your children's, don't just "live with it". That is recipe for long term unhappiness, resentment and depression and not healthy for anyone. He should be seeing someone for his anxiety alone and you should consider couples counseling. In the meanwhile, you have some hard thinking to do.
  10. Often times when break up with people and miss them, we have a sense of nostalgia about the relationship. We don't always see things as they really were. You can love someone and still think that it is better to be apart. People are who they are. Remember that, in difficult times people's real habits come out. Significant others can often make excuses for their partner's bad behavior- " It was a stressful time, etc"- Everyone has stress. No one leads a stress-free life! Who they are in difficult times- IS who they are. He doesn't both want to heal the marriage AND be a in relationship with another woman. So, he is definitely lying to you about something. And be honest with yourself- you don't really know that they haven't been intimate. You are just trusting that he is telling the truth. And IMHO, if he was serious about fixing things- he'd be jumping for joy that you still love him instead of saying not to push him. He's exploring his options. You may love him, but if he really loved you and desperately wanted this marriage back - he wouldn't be exploring his options. Make sure that it's really HIM you miss and not just loneliness or habit speaking. Think about this- if he was back at home with you TODAY- be honest with yourself- in his current state of mind, not giving up this other woman, not being loving towards you- would this truly make you happy? Sometimes the BEST time to walk away from a relationship is BEFORE you start hating each other. It's not easy to break up with someone you still love, but sometimes it is necessary. I really encourage you to talk this thru with a therapist and get an unbiased expert opinion.
  11. ^ Yes. Of course there's nothing wrong with anything if you have two adults in agreement. And even if this was their only issue in an otherwise healthy relationship, I think many people (myself included) would have given her different advice. In this specific case, going back and reading all her posts, in THIS relationship- her husband has a pattern of disrespect, lies, cheating, and abuse.
  12. ^ This is exactly what I think, too. You and your gf sound like best friends. But maybe you need more passion out of a romantic relationship, not just being with a partner who is comfortable. Sometimes comfort can be a bad thing if it leads to complacency. We stop striving for more, trying to better ourselves and stay stuck in our comfort zones. It could be that this this co-worker is more compatible with what you want. We don't know. You aren't a bad person for feeling attraction to someone else. Even in the happiest of relationships, we feel attraction towards other people, it's biological. What you do about it is what matters and it doesn't sounds like you've done anything besides think about it. If I may ask- Why have you never dated anyone else seriously? Are you afraid to open up to others? Are you fearful of change? Do you in general feel scared to try new things? IMVHO, I think you should think about your relationship with your gf. Do you really feel strong romantic feelings for her or is it really just a friendship? I think people often mistake close and loving friendship for being in love. You may really and deeply love her, but once you've met someone that sparks more romantic interest in you- you perhaps aren't sure if it's really love you are experiencing with your girlfriend, especially since you are craving more of that feeling. The good news is that you aren't married yet. You have time to explore your options. I know you have some sort of love for your gf, but make sure you aren't just staying with her out of complacency or fear to go after what you really want- because that wouldn't be loving thing to do to her in the long run. People change over time. Maybe you have simply outgrown what your gf can give you or you've evolved into a place where you need more from a relationship that solid friendship.
  13. I don't want to alarm you, but it is quite common for people having affairs to have more sex with their spouse to avoid suspicion or just to use a coping mechanism for something wrong. IMVHO, he is still being emotionally abusive to you. Here's the thing, AJ- you won't really know if he's telling the truth or not. It will all come down to if you believe him or not. Buying a house is a sense of permanence for a couple. Most are happy about it. From everything you're saying, he sounds depressed. Reacting to house, gaining weight like crazy, trying to fill voids with sex- both you and the doll. Sounds like he's severely unhappy and trying out every avoidance tactic that he can think of. IMVHO, I don't believe he's really worked out any of his issues. IMO, Best case scenario- He really does love and care about you as a person, but just doesn't want this life with you and doesn't know how to tell you/proceed. So, he's in severe denial or trying what he thinks he can to force himself into it. And this is all making him severely depressed that he can't force himself to want this. Worst case scenario- He wants out and is just biding his time. Which could still be making him depressed. Just out of curiosity, do you think there is any potential that he might be gay? Have you seen the doll? Do you know if it's "male" or "female"? Maybe I'm far off, I'm just very curious why he is hiding it since he already told you about it. It could be a safe way for him to "experiment"- Just a thought. It could also explain a lot about his deep unhappiness. Problem is, none of those is great. Cause the one scenario/possibility that I DON'T see is- he is happy with you and in this lifestyle with you, whatever the case or explanation. I think you already know this, too. The question is- are you willing to settle for this for the rest of your life?
  14. This hits close to home for me, cause I have been there. My ex was the same way, perfectly charming in public. But, NO ONE KNOWS what goes on behind closed doors. No one else is married to him but YOU. It's you who has to be happy, AJ. Don't you think you deserve to be happy? I know what it's like to want someone to be who you know they CAN be. I waited for years and years for that to happen, but it never did. I stayed in the marriage way longer than I should have, trying to hold onto a person and a relationship that only really existed in my head. Even now, I think " Why did I stay so long?" Now I am happily remarried. And the difference is night and day. I don't have to compromise who I am or what I will tolerate anymore. While my current husband is by no means perfect, he does actually love me, treat me with respect and here's the BIGGEST thing- Actually WANTS to be married to me. The past is the past- You are smarter now. Don't let mistakes of your past guilt you into dictating your future. You still have the power to change your future. Maybe staying with him WAS the choice you needed to make in the past- that doesn't mean you have to CONTINUE to make that choice NOW. Again, nothing YOU can do is going to change him, how he feels, or what he wants. I learned that the hard way. Maybe he IS a great son and friend and father. He can be all those things and still be a bad husband. Maybe he really does care about you as a person, but doesn't want you as a wife and is trying different things to try and "force" himself to want it. If that's the case, his efforts are in vain because at the end of the day, he's just lying to himself and you. And that doesn't make anyone happy in the long term. The question is, AJ, do you want to be married to someone who has to try and "trick himself" into wanting this marriage. Or do you want to find someone who actually does want to be with you. If I may- I'd love for you to try something. Sometimes when we face our worst fears, it makes us realize what we really want. Go somewhere alone, someplace that has no connection to you as a couple. A place that makes you happy and either write a physical list or just think about what would happen if you got divorced. What would that look like? How would that feel? I don't know, only you will. Just remember this, too. You don't have to hate someone's guts to want a divorce. You can love someone enormously and still know that a relationship with them is not good or what one or both of you really wants. There have been people I have loved, but knew that a relationship with was not healthy. What if he was your friend and co- parent but you had someone else in your life who fulfilled you as a romantic partner - just think about that. How does the thought of that make you feel? Best of luck to you, truly.
  15. OP, please know that I say this for your own good and out of care for you. From all your threads, I'm sorry to tell you that your husband just doesn't seem to be happy in this marriage. I'm not saying it's you or that you are doing anything wrong. I'm saying there's something inside him that feels unfulfilled. Honestly, he's showing all the classic signs of my ex. Having "friendly" overnight stays with another woman, acting like she's just a friend. Always depressed. Making excuses to not share everything with you. Don't mistake him TELLING you about the doll for honesty. He hasn't told you the real reason he has it or WHY he needs to keep it locked up since he DID tell you. He may be "practicing" but I don't think it's for you. You have two kids together, so I know you want this to work. However, I think with all the consistent issues you've had with him, I don't know that counseling will make much of a difference at this point. Doesn't mean you still can't try, that's just my opinion. I wish I had someone kind enough to tell me my first husband was never going to change and save me YEARS of heartache and depression. I think you honestly have two choices. 1. Stay with him and accept that he is never going to be fully happy with you and is likely to hide things from you. 2. Get a divorce and find a man who seems capable of being happy and content with you. IMVHO, he's the type of guy who doesn't really know what he wants. He's trying to force himself to want something that he doesn't ( marriage and kids and a 9-5) but he's not really happy with any of it. You can try counseling, but counseling won't make him want something that in his heart he does not want or does not make him happy. Maybe he thought it would, but it just isn't. I say this not to be cruel, just to give you a honest perspective. I personally think you deserve SO much more than what this man is either incapable or unwilling to give you.
  16. I agree with this! Stop involving your mom in your love life. It's none of her business. And you don't have to justify any of your decisions to her. As far as dating someone who is separated/not yet divorced. There are differing opinions on this. IMVHO, it's always circumstantial and up to the people who are separated and their new partners. It's frankly no one else's business and as long as the two separated parties agree that it's okay to date and the people they are seeing are aware of the situation- I see no problem with it. If you don't want to date this woman, don't date her. It's that simple. You seem to have an issue with letting women manipulate you. The best advice I can give you- Move out of your mother's house. Based on what you said, this relationship is becoming severely unhealthy for you both. Mama needs to let go and recognize that you are grown man. You don't owe her any explanations for our own adult choices. She doesn't have to agree (and won't) with every choice you make and that is OKAY!!!! You need to stop letting mama call the shots in your life. You are an adult. You don't need her permission or approval. Certainly not to have adult consensual sex with someone. Move out as SOON as possible. Time for mama to stop knowing where you are and who you're with at all times- that's for children.
  17. For the record- I do NOT take it as a compliment at ALL. In fact, I HATE it! It happens at work, where I have to work with them and my primary role as Director of Company relations at work is to be friendly, kind and empathetic- and yes, men often mis-perceive this as interest. Some men perceive you SMILING at them once as "interest". Most of the men have been fired after trying it with too many women at work. I frankly find it insulting that your first instinct is to pin men's misbehavior on ME. "what kind of vibes" I'm giving off? Seriously? I am happily married and I shout it to the rooftops! And I shoot these men down EVERY SINGLE TIME. I never said I enjoyed it. I don't. I'm just saying that it HAPPENS. You don't have to be DOING anything flirty for a man to come onto you or to be sexually suggestive with you- that's the same as suggesting that women who are raped must have been "asking for it". A woman doesn't have to be doing ANYTHING WRONG for a man to behave inappropriately towards her. Too many men mistake basic kindness or nothing at ALL for flirting or sexual interest. Besides, this post is NOT about me- I was speaking from my own experience only. If your experience is different, that's fine. But I don't appreciate the judgment.
  18. I think this is a pretty big problem, to be honest. And if you don't nip this in the bud now, it will only get worse and become routine. Sorry to tell you, but it's a pretty common issue- Men losing sexual interest in their wife after having a baby. There's the old joke- You can either have a good marriage or a baby, but you can't have both. Now, I'm not saying that I necessarily agree with that statement- BUT- I do think it's a joke for a reason. A lot of men (whether they do consciously or not)- get jealous over their wife's attention on the baby and get resentful. A lot of men start seeing their wives as more of a mother figure and as less desirable. (I think biologically men are programmed this way. They are meant to biologically impregnate a woman then move on to the next partner.) And a lot of men just start seeking out excitement elsewhere. Sorry ladies- but I've had too many "happily married men" whose wives JUST had babies suggest having an affair for "fun" to think this is a just a coincidence. I always say NO (since I am happily married) but I've seen lots of "good guys" and guys you would NEVER think would do this, do this. If your husband is a "good guy", he is never going to tell you these things because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. But chances are it IS one of these things. Why do I say that? There's only ONE reason for a partner not to have sex with you - they don't want to. The sub reason doesn't really matter because it all results in you not being intimate. Most men if they have a ready and willing partner are going to choose that over a video every time. They only reason they won't, is that they aren't into you. Since you have a baby, I'd recommend couples therapy. But whatever you do, don't just shrug your shoulders and say " It's a phase". You are still a new mom and the baby is going to occupy most of your time for the next several years. If you don't address these issues now, you will wake up one day and realize your marriage has slipped thru your fingers. Please remember this- It is totally possible for a man to be a GREAT Father while being a s***ty husband. Do not accept the s***ty husband JUST because he's a good father. You need this to end now. Do NOT just accept excuses. Excuses now will only become a permanent pattern if left unchecked. Therapy now. INSIST on it.
  19. I'm sorry, but if he's unwilling to compromise (as is his right), then the harsh reality is that there is no wiggle room here. Be sexually unsatisfied or get a divorce. That's it.
  20. Your mother is acting like a child. You need to decide if you want to be a grown up or let your mother dictate your life and your relationships. If she never wants to talk to your Dad again and hate him forever and be bitter for rest of her life, that's her choice. But it's unreasonable to expect you to do the same. He's your father. And if it's been 3 years and he has stayed with this woman, he clearly loves her and you should meet her. I'm not even sure why your mom is still upset if she has another partner now, too. Meet your Dad's girlfriend. She's going to be in his life now. So if you want to have a relationship with your father, you will have to meet her. If your mom gets mad, who cares? She frankly needs to grow up. Just because she hates your Dad doesn't mean that everyone has to. It's extremely childish of her to be pissed at your Dad's relatives for meeting his new girlfriend. If they broke up, she doesn't get a say in his life anymore. Besides, I'm sure she hasn't kept her own boyfriend locked up- after all, YOU have met him! Stop worrying about them being mad. You can't control their emotions or how they feel about each other. Make boundaries with them both. Tell them both independently that they are your other parent and you are going to have a relationship with them. Tell them you will not talk about the other in their presence or tolerate bashing of the other in your presence. That's all you can do. Then the rest is up to them. Be an adult. Do what you want to do. Period. If they get mad, they get mad. That's for them to deal with.
  21. First, stop blaming yourself. You cannot control who flirts with you or comes on to you. If they are taken, it is THEIR responsibility not to flirt with women or lead them on. All you can do is reject them after the fact. Sadly, even advice like " look online" or "go to singles" events isn't really helpful, because tons of men lie about being single in these areas, too. All you can do is look for red flags, stay alert, and if/when you discover they are taken- Reject them. I'm a happily married woman and I'm VERY vocal about it. I wear my ring, I don't look to flirt with anyone, I proudly talk about my husband ALL THE TIME- I STILL get men who try to pick me up. And sorry to tell you, most of the time they are married. I, of course, ALWAYS reject them. And that happens with ME- A married woman who loudly and proudly proclaims how happy I am in my marriage. So, you can imagine how some men feel about coming onto a SINGLE woman. I wish I could tell you that this kind of thing ends, but I don't want to lie to you.
  22. Okay, only YOU know what YOUR OWN deal breakers are. The medical field is extremely stressful, even in a great environment. As for your cons- Most work places are NOT going to give a specific reason why a role needs to be filled. Unless they offer it - "So and so left to raise her baby"- you shouldn't ask- for most places it violates their confidentiality and ethics codes to say stuff like' The last person was fired for misconduct". If you hate long or unexpected hours- DO NOT GET INVOLVED IN THE MEDICAL FIELD. 8:30 is NOT late by doctor standards. If you work for a doctor, ESP private practice- you can EXPECT late hours and extra shifts. If you don't like that, and you think 8:30 is "late", you may be better off finding work at a typical 9-5 job. Now, if you feel the coworkers are bashing the job, that may be something to consider. IMVHO, I'd take stuff like that with a grain of salt. A lot of people complain about their jobs, but they also don't leave. If you're out of work, go ahead and try. If you don't like it, you can always leave. It could give you a taste of what working in this field is really like and to see if it's what you really want. I don't really see why you wouldn't take the role if offered, unless you just don't want it. And if you don't, that's fine- but own that decision. Nothing is ever perfect, it's all about what you're willing to handle. But only you know that.
  23. We need to know more about these conversations to make a judgment call. If they contacted you and everything was just friendly, then you didn't do anything wrong. If however you were being suggestive, etc- that would be different. Even if it did cross boundaries, I personally don't think it's "equal to having sex with them". No matter the case, I personally think your partner is being immature. If you resolve a conflict, it should be over. You shouldn't continue to bring it up years later, because NO good can come from that. The party who made the mistake can't go back and change the past, and the party who it hurt can still be hurt, but shouldn't be keeping score or using a past mistake as a hidden arsenal to pull out any time it's convenient. She is also being childish by sleeping in another room and refusing to speak to you. If she can't get past this, then she just needs to be honest with you and start the divorce/break up process. And if you're really unhappy and don't see any compromise or hope of reparation happening, then there's no point in delaying the inevitable. I am a believer in NEVER staying just for the kids sake. You aren't doing THEM any favors by doing so. You shouldn't just stay with your partner to show the kids a happy lie. Besides, kids aren't stupid. By staying in a toxic relationship, you are teaching them to stay in toxic relationship. I say because I WAS that kid whose parents stayed for "our sake" and it was a living hell. Looking back as an adult, I STILL wish they had gotten divorced instead of putting us and themselves through what they did. Based on what you've said, this relationship is unhealthy for both of you and has run its course. The past is over. You both need to focus on the NOW.
  24. You admit that you are already know WHO your friend is and what she is like. So, she's being consistent. Just hang out with her alone from now on. The issue stems from not expecting your husband to behave the way he did. Your HUSBAND is the one who allowed "crossing boundaries". So, let's explore that, because if he thinks it's okay with this friend, he thinks it's okay with ANY woman. Have you and your husband had a direct conversation about what your boundary expectations as a couple are? If not, it is time to do so. You can't just assume you are on the same page about everything. Clearly, he has no issue with light flirting and you seemed to be REALLY triggered by it. Every couple is different. Personally, I don't see any huge issue here. I let friends take sips from my wine glass if they want to try something, and so does my husband. The leg thing and teasing him is a little flirtatious, yes. But I think it's a FAR stretch from that to them jumping into bed together. IMVHO, most people (even happily married people) enjoy occasional light flirting with the opposite sex. Most people like the ego boost, to be honest. It doesn't necessarily mean that they are "into" the other person or are going to cheat. But most adults flirt, at LEAST a little. But it's really all about your personal boundaries. What one couple considers to be totally inappropriate and cheating, some couples might laugh off. It's all about your comfort level. You need to sit down with him and say something like " I can tell from what happened the other day that we may be on different pages about what our boundaries as a married couple are, so I feel like we should discuss that." Then see what he says. Only you can know if you find his answers to be acceptable to you or deal-breakers.
  25. Do you mind if I ask why you even care? Let me spin this on you- Have you ever had a guy that was just a friend? How would you feel if your Dad asked you if you ever had sex with him? Or if you Dad stayed in touch with him and asked him if he ever had sex with you? You see my point. Let it go. Stop worrying about it. Your parents are still together, so if it had been an issue, it's been worked out. Why do you even feel the need to know this? It doesn't matter.
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