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Everything posted by redswim30

  1. Yes, I clarified. By "doubts" I don't mean everyday small worries. We all have those. Since I was addressing the OP, I mean HIS very serious doubts. He cannot possibly have a successful marriage to this woman.
  2. I had doubts about my first marriage and it ended in divorce. I had ZERO doubts about my second and we are very happy. It WAS absolute for me. And I should clarify, by "doubts" I don't mean that you think you or other person are perfect or are a little nervous. I mean SERIOUS doubts like the OP (feeling like you are settling, feeling worried about the marriage right away or like you should be with someone else)
  3. Okay, I'm going to give you a different perspective. I do NOT think what's going on here is "grass is always greener" syndrome. I think that applies more to narcissistic people who are never happy and always looking for something "better". This isn't random, this is about a long term love and your impending marriage is making you contemplate what you really do and do not want. You should listen to your instinct here. You should have ZERO doubts about marriage. If you have ANY, it is not right. And boy, do I wish I had listened to my mother on THAT one. I think you are realizing that you are in love with someone other than the person you feel like you "ought to" be in love with. I agree that there is no such thing as the perfect relationship, because no one is perfect. HOWEVER, it is intelligent and important to know if one person is better suited for you than another. And there ARE people who may be better suited to us than others. That's just being smart. You can love and respect someone, but may not be IN LOVE with them. Hence, the settling with the fiance. This does NOT make you a bad person. Maybe you wanted it to work and hoped things would fall into place, but you are just realizing that it isn't what you want or hoped. Sometimes we can feel like we REALLY want a relationship to work, but we just KNOW deep down in our hearts that it isn't right. Something is off. Something is missing. Again, you should listen to your instincts. You will NOT do her any favors by marrying her only to be unhappy. You cannot sacrifice your own happiness for someone else's comfort. At least, you shouldn't. Because that never makes anyone involved happy. Just complacent. And NOBODY wants to be someone's consolation prize. Take it from someone who "settled" in their first marriage- if you feel like you are settling now, this is only going to get worse as time goes by. If you were deeply and truly in love with your fiance, you wouldn't be even considering leaving her. You should break this engagement. It's easier now than after you're married. Take it from someone who has been there. Marriage is already hard enough when BOTH people are passionately committed to each other. Marriage tests you in ways you can't even begin to imagine. And if you enter it already at a disadvantage in the honeymoon phase, it has a slim to none change of lasting. As far as your HS friend goes, IMVHO, it says a LOT that you have had this many deep feelings for each other this long. A mere crush would have fizzled out long ago, especially if you were truly happy with these other people. It sounds like you genuinely care for and respect each other. I think it does a disservice to people to claim that people of High school age can't form and have meaningful love for each other at that age and love that can LAST. I have two close friends who were in love in high school, but everyone dismissed it as "puppy love". They were encouraged to break up instead of getting engaged, so they grew up and married other people. But they never forgot each other. Turns out they WERE perfect for each other. They both got divorced and are now married to each other. They are happy as can be together! They should never have listened to those people that said " It couldn't be real because they were so young". Only YOU and SHE know how you both really feel. If you think it's worth exploring, then you should do it. I think that if you don't, you will always regret it. You clearly feel very deeply for each other. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't, but at least you'll know. But you 100% definitely should break up with your fiance. It will hurt her MUCH less to break up now than to marry her when your heart isn't really 100% all in. I WISH my first husband had done me that courtesy instead of putting me thru emotional hell. I wished I hadn't wasted years of my life trying to make him "love me more". Just FYI, I am in a happy marriage now. Take it from someone who knows, being with the person who is much better suited to you makes a WORLD of difference. Something to think about.
  4. The perhaps he is not the only one in need of forgiveness. If you didn't even live together and even state you didn't care about him, then it's glaringly obvious why he sought attention elsewhere. In this case, he did NOT cheat. You were already separated in truth, if not "on paper officially"
  5. You can't sit there "waiting" for him to be imperfect. That's not a healthy marriage. If that really is what you plan to do, just get divorced, because that's what will happen no matter what if you choose this path of "looking for things to make you leave"
  6. Time for some tough love here. IF your marriage is to have any chance of working, stop acting like a dictator. Marriage does NOT mean that they other person complies with your every wish of who you expect them to be. Nobody is perfect. And nobody is going to be exactly who you want them to be 24/7. Ain't gonna happen. I think you need to get a realistic perspective on what marriage really is. If you were indeed going around "Punishing him" for what not being what you wanted, the natural response is for him to grow disinterested in you and interested in other people. You can't treat someone with contempt and then expect them to be your emotional slave. I don't know the timeline here, but if you were planning to separate, then I don't see what he did as cheating. And if you were "icing him out" and he needed emotional support, I don't consider that cheating either. But if you've decided it is, and you can't handle it. Just get divorced. Save yourself years of unnecessary struggle if you are incapable of forgiving him. That being said, do you want to stay married because you actually love each other? Or because you feel like you "should"? Anything other than the first reason is NO reason to stay married. Including children. You also need to get over that he did something terrible to your children, he didn't. That's you blowing this out of proportion. You either forgive, forget and move on. Or else, just get divorced. No point of dragging something out if you have no interest in truly loving him.
  7. He's chosen her and he continues to choose her. He loves her. He wants to use you and control you. End it. He doesn't want you or you are the one he would be with. He wants his relationship with her and his side action with you.
  8. It's only an issue if you make it an issue. Rarely are you going to date people the exact same age as you. If you are both adults, who cares? I can tell you from experience, Age is not always the defining factor of maturity, life experience, choices, goals, values. If you are happy, don't let anyone else decide what your "normal" is or should be.
  9. ^Exactly this. In all matters concerning relationships (taking out things like abuse, addiction, mental health, etc) People do what they want to. If someone wants to date you, they will. If someone wants to propose to you, they will. If someone wants to marry you, they will. You should never have to "convince" someone to love you, treat you right, respect you, or even to hang out with you. Because if they really WANT to, then they will without any goading. It's great that you aren't pushing her, but eventually you will come to the same crossroads. Because you cannot always initiate everything, and her true feelings are going to come out one way or another. I think the thing to do is stop trying to impress her. Sit down and have that difficult conversation. Why did she get cold feet? It is NOT just "walking in front of people", because you can marry someone without having a crowd. You can elope, have a small wedding, a private ceremony, a civil union- The possibilities are limitless. If it were only that, that would have been the discussion you had, instead of breaking up. Whether or not she wants to say it, it has something to do with you. You need to talk about it, if your relationship is even to have a chance. Otherwise, you will just end up waiting for her to "tire of you" again and the cycle will repeat. Does she not want to be married, or just not to you? Does she see a different future for herself that what she'd thought? Do you disagree on children? Did the relationship just move too fast? You need to identify the issue for her, otherwise, you will just end up broken up with again. You don't need to walk down an aisle with people staring at you in order to marry someone, that is, if you really WANT to.
  10. If someone really wants to propose, they will. You shouldn't need to think about it that hard. Just my opinion. Maybe he is just bad at expressing himself or maybe he doesn't feel as strongly about you as you do about him. But most importantly, if you aren't happy why do you even want to marry him? and no, you should never "swallow your feelings" for the sake of "peace and calm". How you feel is how you feel, and you should listen to your gut. It's rarely wrong.
  11. It's up to you. What's more important to you ? What would you regret more 5 years from now? I will tell you this much- Many times during relationships (especially marriages) you will occasionally let one another down, because no one is perfect. You have the choice to either let it go and move on, or feel vindicated by holding onto something. The choice is yours. But I will tell you that people who choose the latter, are rarely happy. And if you go on to search for someone who will "Never let you down", you'll be searching in vain. Everyone will at some point. No one is perfect. My two, if you've have had a great relationship since you've been officially exclusive, whats the problem ? IMHO, I wouldn't throw away something great over a point of pride. Let it go.
  12. Lightbulb, First, maybe you have too high an expectation ? Sometimes when we want something badly, and want to it be perfect- Ie. result in marriage, etc- we self sabotage, sometimes without realizing it. Is it possible that you are looking for someone "perfect" ? If so, keep in mind that nobody is perfect. Everyone will have their quirks and foibles. Try to keep an open mind. Is it maybe possible too that you expect too much from the start ? Sometimes if we have a mindset of "I really want to get married !" people can pick up on that, and it's a major turn off. Maybe the next time you have a date, try to just take things as they come without having an expectation. I don't think you should give up. But I do think you should change your attitude. People of all shapes and sizes can be attractive. Attraction is based on so much more than looks. But, Nobody is attracted to desperation. Stop thinking of being on a "clock". There is no time limit. It's better to wait for the right person, than to get with someone who isn't a good match just to say you are "In a relationship" or "Married". Focus your energy on positive changes. Confidence is a major turn on. Don't set yourself up for failure by being purely focused on a relationship for your happiness. Happiness comes from within and a relationship can add to it, but it won't "make you" a happier person. Being in a relationship won't make you happy all the time. Only you can do that. And once you do, you'll have a greater chance for success in a relationship. You can't control what will happen in the future, but you can control YOU. Think about what positive changes you can start to make.
  13. I understand your pain. My exhusband cheated on me all the time. This is just my humble opinion, so take it or leave it, but here it is- Being cheated on changes you and changes the relationship. I don't know if it's ever possible to ever trust someone 100% again, regardless of whether they are contiuning to cheat or not. And especially in cases like yours and mine, where the behavior was repeated over and over. I didn't like the person that my ex's cheating caused me to become. I became paranoid, angry, distrustful, cautious, calculating, jealous,etc- I was never any of these things before. It made me sad that I had been that transformed. I couldn't trust him anymore and my own behavior disgusted me- I didn't even recognize myself anymore- I kept thinking, " should I really continue on with someone if I feel the extreme NEED to "keep tabs" on him ? Check his phone, his internet history, time how long he goes out, and every detail to what he tells me ? This isn't the relationship I wanted. So, I ask you- Is this the relationship you want ? If it isn't- then I think you need to take the next steps to move forward in your life. I'd strongly suggest you seek counseling. If you think it would all be too big a hassle to change your life, or you want to continue the marriage, that's your prerrogative. However, I wouldn't expect things to change at this point. I don't believe this is a man that has your best interests at heart. I don't think cheating on him will make anything better. Even if this other man's wife HAS cheated on him (which, let's be honest, you don't really know for sure)- it doesn't mean she deserves to be cheated on too. I personally believe it will only make things worse for you. If you really want to heal, then I really think the best course of action is for you to take some time for yourself, seek counseling, and spend some time thinking about what you really want. Not just for the moment, but in the long run. Best of luck to you
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