redswim30

While that term is offensive to some and insulting and could definitely HURT, it's still not the same thing as a racist slur, nor does it carry the same weight. I'll use your specific discussion example- If you had a Black female friend - Of the two words in question- which word do you think would hurt her more and which do you think she would forgive more easily? That's the point. Hurt feelings don't equal racism.

In this instance, I think your husband is right. I understand what you are trying to say with a car accident example, but that's a false equivalency in this specific case. IMVHO, I don't think people who aren't racist would ever use the N word, even when drunk, unless at LEAST some small part of them felt that way. Many people would never use that word EVER, no matter their condition. I don't think alcohol changes who we are, in terms of values, perspectives or deep feelings on subjects. I think it loosens our lips and takes away filters we might otherwise have UP. I also think there's a BIG difference between getting drunk and saying something you regret, versus using a racist slur. Some people may disagree, but I think many people say ordinary things they can regret when drunk, I don't think that many people make racist slurs when they're drunk IF at least a small part of them isn't already racist. But that's just my two. Perhaps you don't know this mutual friend as well as you think you do. I wouldn't want to be around this person ever again, either. In terms of things like car accidents when drunk, I believe that's a completely separate issue. I don't think anyone inherently thinks or has the opinion that it's ok to kill people while driving. That's not a belief system in the same way that a racist opinion is. Most people don't casually think of killing someone, versus racist thoughts being a casual everyday thing to some people- which is why I said it's a false equivalency. I understand what you are saying in terms of doing/saying something you regret, but they diverge in terms of INTENT and BELIEF. So in this case your husband is right. While not 100% of the time, people don't inherently change who they are at their core just because they got drunk. In this case, I believe a drunken word IS a sober thought.

No one needs to get someone's number at a bar for "work reasons". Most business people would find this unprofessional, unless it was a work event. And most random women at bars, would probably find it sleazy and not legit. He should put up a sign in his restaurant that says HELP WANTED and let legit people looking for work to come to him. He does NOT have to go to a bar and get people's number. That's nonsense. You should trust your gut on this one. You don't say how long you've been together, but honestly, I'd dump him. Sure seems like a liar and a gas-lighter. People like this rarely change.

I can understand why you might feel it's trivial by comparison. The problem is, you aren't her. I'll use an example from my own life to illustrate my point. I have trauma from my past about feeling worthless. So, if someone were to call me that specific word "worthless", someone I consider a "friend", that would actually traumatize me. Other people might think that would be trivial, but to me, it isn't. I could likely get over (and have) many other things that some people might consider "worse". It's all relative, which is why I find it wise not to compare "hurts" in life, as different things hurt different people to varying degrees. I'm glad that you're trying to do that, even if it's been a struggle. I'm glad to hear you take time to back away and do what you know is healthy for you by creating distance between you. I want you to recognize, however, that the way she pulls you back in, so to speak, is actually emotional blackmail. Which looks a lot like " If you don't do what I want, you're hurting my feelings." While she allowed to feel whatever she wants in response to your actions, you are equally allowed to do what you feel is best for YOU, regardless of her feelings. I know it can be hard to cut people out of our lives, so you do you. However, I'd really advise you to put yourself and your own mental well-being first. That doesn't make you selfish or "bad". Even if you do remain friends with her, at least remember that it's not your job in life to sacrifice your well being for someone else's comfort, whether you feel bad for them or not. Best of luck to you, truly.

True forgiveness of someone means complete forgiveness. Meaning that you don't bring it up again, use it as leverage or as a shaming tool to pull out when it's convenient. You may have forgotten, but you haven't fully forgiven. Which begs the question, why DID you choose to keep her in your life? She's clearly not a good friend to you. She's a drama queen. She cheated with your boyfriend. What are YOU getting out of this relationship? A fascination with her? A desire for revenge? A need to be accepted by her? I don't know, but people don't keep toxic people in their life that they know are toxic unless it gives them something. Now this thing may not always be conscious, but I think you should figure out what it is. At the end of the day, this isn't about her. You already know who she is, so none of this should be shocking to you. And yes, you did violate her trust. Also, IMHO, you will lead a much happier life if you don't compare your mistakes with the mistakes other people. Quantifying "goodness" or "badness" is a waste of time. You were in the wrong in this case. You cannot now pull out a mistake of hers that you've claim to forgiven, and then attempt to absolve your own by saying her was "worse". "Better" and "worse" are just words we use. Mistakes are mistakes and different things hurt people in different ways. As people, we're always going to naturally assume that the mistakes we've done to others don't impact them as much as their mistakes against us impacted us. But that's baloney, because we can't know the full impact that our mistakes had, because we simply AREN'T that person and don't live in their shoes. What may seem minor to us, may be bigger in scale to that person. If I were you, I'd just cut out this toxicity from my life. But it's your life. You need to understand that if you want her to remain, you will have to FULLY forgive her. If you choose to do that, you also can't brush off all your future mistakes towards her because "hers was worse". In terms of her forgiving you, that's her choice. Maybe it's not "bad" to you, but you don't know what "violation of trust" may trigger in her. Personally, if she can't forgive you, I think it's a good time to end this so-called friendship. You don't really seem to like each other very much, anyway.

It doesn't sound like you're in love with your GF. You may love things she gives you, namely COMFORT. But comfort isn't the same as love. You also just don't sound compatible. People in truly loving relationships don't argue all the time or "take breaks' when life gets tough. Perhaps you do love your GF as a person, but you are not IN LOVE with her. If you were truly madly in love with your GF, you would be able to stop thinking about this other woman. The reason you can't is because this other woman represents something you are missing in your current relationship. You need to discover what that is. If you don't, you'll just continue to search for that with the next woman and the next, and the next. The other possibility is that you really are in love with this other woman, but are scared to admit it. If it weren't for the monogamy issue, would you want to be with her? IMVHO, No matter what, I think you should break up with your GF. It's not fair to her to be your security blanket while you are emotionally in love with someone else. Even if ultimately you aren't in love with this other woman, you should never stay with someone out of "comfort" or fear that you won't find "something better".

You've been married for 30 years. You know better than any of us what is normal or not normal behavior from him. Let me ask you this, because I think this is important. When you talk to him, what do you hope to achieve? What would your dream response from him be? Conversely, what are you afraid his response might be? No matter what the above answers are- You cannot talk to him about this without admitting you've been looking at his phone, which he may react to negatively. You also need to accept that you may be wrong. OR you may get an answer you do not like or be met with defensiveness. How, for example, would you handle him saying " You are paranoid and I'm not going to stop mentoring her." My personal opinion, the likeliest scenario here is simply that he is enjoying getting attention from this colleague. Whether it's because he wants to feel young, respected, admired, appreciated, attractive- that I don't know. I doubt he's having an affair. You need to decide if it's worth bringing up to him or not. He may lose respect and trust in you for looking at his phone and being suspicious of him after 30 years of marriage, if he's never given you cause to doubt him. Be prepared that confronting him about this may create cracks in your marriage over what is potentially harmless. Are you sure this isn't about potential jealousy on your part? Before you talk to him, I highly recommend being sure you know how you are going to approach this and what you really hope to accomplish in this conversation. I would advise approaching this calmly and with caution. Do NOT make any accusations.

When you break up with someone, you aren't allowed to control their reaction or their behavior going forwards. She chose to break up with you. That was her choice. If she's losing things that matter to her, like your friendship, she had to understand that that was a possible consequence if she broke up with you. It's emotional manipulation to say " I want to break up, but stay in my life so I still have you there", without considering how hard or upsetting this may be for you. That doesn't sound like someone that cares very much about your feelings. It's NOT your job to conform to how SHE wants you to feel, respond, or behave in reaction to her breaking up with you. It's totally unfair on her part to think she is allowed to dictate your actions, thoughts, and feelings. It's fine if she decided she doesn't want to be with you anymore. It's YOUR choice whether or not to remain in her life. Just as she needs to do what is healthy for her, you need to do what is healthy for YOU. And if you know remaining in her life would be too painful, then you are correct to make that healthy decision for yourself. Yes, it hurts, but that's part of breaking up. Please remember this- " It's never wise to sacrifice your own well-being for someone else's comfort."

There's only ONE thing to do. BREAK UP WITH HER. The good news is you aren't married yet. Thank your lucky stars you don't have to pay for a divorce. Thank your lucky stars you weren't stuck in a marriage with someone not fully committed to you. Be grateful you caught this now. There's no future with this woman. How could you possibly ever trust her again? I say this all the time. If you have major problems during an engagement- DO NOT MARRY THE PERSON. Things in life, challenges of being in a long term relationship, hardships and things like children only make life HARDER. Engagement is still the honeymoon/easy phase. If you have massive hardship then, your marriage has NO chance of lasting. BREAK UP. And seriously, count yourself lucky you found out about this now.

Honestly, and please understand I'm not judging you, but you are the one giving a mixed/confusing signal by hugging him, then also being upset that he "checked you out"? He hasn't done anything "suspicious" in the circumstances, but your actions are confusing. Are you sure you don't like him? You could have simply said goodnight and walked away. You say you didn't know "what to do", but why was your gut response to get closer to him? It doesn't make sense. Perhaps you are this upset because you are in denial? Just a thought. But, as Wiseman so wisely said- if you don't want his attention, stop flirting and keep your behavior in and out of the office professional. Also, I think you should be careful about being touchy feely with everyone you work with. Be friendly, but reduce/eliminate physical contact. If you don't want lines blurred, it's up to you to SET that expectation. You can't expect one person to read your mind if your general physical behavior suggests different expectations than the ones in your head. Also want to add- Chances are exceptionally high that you and your female co-workers have been "checked out" before, and you just didn't notice. This guy just wasn't subtle about it. So I think it's pretty unfair to put the other guys on this pedestal and to assume this new guy is a creep. NOTE- I say this as a woman that has on numerous occasions been oblivious to guys "checking me out".

I personally think you are reading too much into this. I'm not making a judgment on him or in general whether this is "right" or "wrong", but realistically, if you're an attractive person and you go out drinking with the opposite gender, chances are someone is going to "check you out". I mean, do you even know for SURE that no one else on the team has and you simply haven't caught them doing it? Unless someone is being wildly inappropriate with this, and you said he stopped, I don't really see a huge problem with it. You can't control how socially aware HE is, and in all honesty- if you are pretty touchy feely with everyone else, he's probably going to read that as you being someone who is okay with close proximity in general. Honestly, I would read it that way in his shoes. And if you said nothing, how would he would know you only warm up to people like that after some time? After all, he can't read your mind. You can't expect people to behave how you would "prefer" if you are silent and exhibiting the opposite of your "preference". I'm wondering if the reason you are reading so much into this very casual behavior is because you have a crush on him OR you are worried that he has a crush on YOU. If his behavior changes and you are concerned for your safety, that's one thing. But from what you wrote, it just sounds like an awkward guy trying to fit in and was causally checking out a woman after drinking. Nothing to worry about.

I have a question for you- what is it that you are seeking? I'm serious. Stability? Companionship? To feel on the same page as others? To feel like you acquired a certain status in life? Really think about this. Because marriage and children both come with pros and cons. NO ONE- I repeat- NO ONE's life is PERFECT. There's no such thing as the perfect person, the perfect marriage or the perfect children. Things looking good from the outside may not always be how it feels on the inside. I knew a lady who was married to a guy who earned a lot of money, and she thought that was what she wanted until she discovered that he valued money over EVERYTHING- including her and their child. He never wanted to spend the money, either. And going out places felt like a chore to her rather than a pleasure and even gift giving became bad because he'd complain that he "could have found it cheaper". To people looking IN, it seemed great! A man who made a lot of money and was "responsible". But understand that every choice in life comes with a price. And no matter WHAT you see on the outside, no marriage on earth is without it's struggles and challenging times. Here's another thing no one tells you about marriage- You can never predict how the other person might change over the years. This is why looking for "qualities" isn't always a good thing. IMVHO, it's MUCH better to look for someone whose VALUES align with yours. "what's your biggest priority?", "How do you like to spend your free time?", ' what's your relationship with money- are you a saver or a spender?" " How important is family to you?" The core of who someone is rarely changes, while QUALITIES can and do. You can't predict what's going to happen. I say this as someone who got divorced and never thought I would, my first husband's "qualities" changed. In terms of kids, you are far from too old to have a child. Many women are delivering into older age these days, but if you are really concerned you could always freeze some of your eggs. You could also consider adoption, though I think you still have lots of time to have a child naturally. Think about what it is you're looking for in life and what it is you hope to have by being married and having children. Here's a secret- no one in life can MAKE YOU happy. Not a spouse, not a child. These relationships can amplify your happiness, but spouses and children aren't going to be perfect or "make you" happy 100% of the time. Ultimately, it's up to you to make yourself happy and deal with life's bumps as best you can. Spouses and children can be great, they also create complications and challenges. I say this whenever I see people like you looking for these relationships for fulfillment. They can be nice and enhance your life, but if you aren't happy, these relationships won't magically bring you happiness- and even if the do, it won't be constant. Stop worrying about comparing yourself to others, no one's life is perfect. Focus on what YOU want. Maybe you'll find that in doing so you'll attract someone with similar values instead of viewing these relationships as achievements to obtain.

THANK YOU for saying this! It's a VERY tough job. And yes, we DO! We have to hear a LOT of " We aren't their REAL parents" all while ACTING like their "real" parents! I've had to say- " Look. It's true, I didn't give BIRTH to them and I don't claim to. I'm not trying to "replace" their mom at ALL, in fact I'm the one who has told them to RESPECT their mom. However, I've sat up at night with them when they've been sick, driven them to and from school, made them every meal there is to make at all hours of the day, dried their tears and held them while they cried, helped with homework, helped them apply to colleges, taken them on vacations and driven them to endless things, had birthday parties for them, graduation parties for them, celebratory dinners with them, treated them to shopping sprees, taken them to buy school supplies, cleaned up their messes (both literally and figuratively), taken them to the doctor, sat with them in the hospital, visited them when needing cheering up, talking to them on the phone on bad days, calling and texting them and inviting them over on good days, and the list goes on- if you think all of THAT doesn't make me a " real parent" then I don't know what DOES.

I find it interesting that so many people are jumping down the girlfriend's throat immediately, when we don't necessarily have a full picture of perhaps how his daughters have treated her. 10 and 13 are NOT easy ages to walk into, and they aren't going to treat her the same way they treat their Dad. Maybe this isn't the woman for you, and that's fine. However, I want to tell you something whether you stay with this woman or not, but especially if you ever plan to be in a serious relationship or get married again. I say this as a stepparent- Being a stepparent is the hardest job in the world. And if you aren't one, you really don't know just how challenging it can be. I personally feel that it's worth it and I love my step-kids dearly. However, it took a long period of adjustment to reach that point. With your girls being the ages they are, that's going to be a tough transition for most women. Is this the first woman you've dated since the divorce? Cause that can make a big difference in how the kids respond, too. If you are dating too soon after your divorce or before you feel your kids have adjusted- then guess what? That's on YOU, not your GF. You cannot have the expectation that everyone is going to get along perfectly right off the bat. That's unrealistic and unfair- not only to your partner, but to your kids as well. Some (not all) kids try to "test" a new partner- mine did a bit, but I've talked to other stepparents who went thru much worse or are still going thru it. (I have a friend who is a stepmom and tries really really hard to be a good stepmom to a 12 year old boy who refuses to look at her or calls her "you"- even though she and his dad have been together for years. He and his ex (who laughs about it) don't discipline him over this. And so she is in a no-win position, since no one is willing to tell the boy that it's rude and disrespectful and when she has tried in a calm and patient manner, she's been reprimanded by both parents or told it's not "her place", even as she helps him with homework and makes him dinner) The kids may be rude, act out, treat the new partner as unwelcome in hopes that they can get rid of them or make them uncomfortable. Sometimes the bio parents either don't see this or are just in denial about it and refuse to see that their kids are creating some of the problems themselves. Or they excuse everything as "well, they are just a kid". That excuse only holds water for so long and most reasonable adults will get tired of that excuse after enough time has passed. Think of your kids on their worst day, now imagine that worst day with someone else's kid that you have to spend the whole day with. Now imagine that no matter what you do- you are going to be criticized. If you are perceived as doing "too much" you are "overstepping", if you do nothing, you "don't care", if you try to discipline you "aren't their real parent", and if you let them do whatever they want, you are "overindulging them" and "trying too hard"- you hear from both your partner and the kid's other bio parent. And even if everything miraculously goes well, you get no credit- it all goes to the bio parent for "raising them right". You worry about everyone judging you if you aren't perfect. (I had a time where one of the kids was sick and I knocked myself out caring for them, did everything I possibly could to help them feel better, took off work to care for them, and helped them feel better in less than two days- and their mom STILL criticized me for not doing it all the way "she would have".) I say all this as someone that went in with the best optimism and intentions. As someone that allowed room for the kids to adjust, and was incredibly patient with them. As someone who had to get used to the discomfort of his ex and her friends always judging me or looking for ways for me to fail so they could criticize or laugh at me. I had to get used to hearing stories of when they were a "big happy family". I had to listen to my husband sometimes be in denial about his kids bad behavior (even if it wasn't directed at me). Or my husband and his ex not understanding why I didn't immediately think the kids were perfect in every way. Or my husband sometimes refusing to stand up for me if one of the kids insulted me. We've gotten thru it all and we are strong family unit NOW. But if you think any of that happened overnight, you are SILLY. I am now told what a great stepmom I am, but it hasn't always been an easy road. And I will be honest with you- in the beginning, I wondered if it was really worth it. I don't know if I would have been able to stick around for someone I didn't love as much as my husband. Or if he hadn't done his best for me, as well. But we're both imperfect and we both made mistakes- As did the kids, As did his ex. Blended families aren't perfect and you can't go in with the expectation that ANYONE in the situation will be. We're all just people doing our best and sometimes we fail. Being a stepparent is not for the feint of heart, even with the very best person and in the very best circumstances. Perhaps you should give your GF a bit of a break, perhaps she really has tried her best. Maybe she ultimately isn't the one for you. Just know for the future, that it isn't going to be "super easy" for ANY woman walking into a 10 and 13 year old's household.

I disagree with you on one level here. While I agree that sexual incompatibility doesn't work and while I agree that sex should ALWAYS be consensual (even within a marriage)- I DO think that if you marry someone as a sexually-typical adult, you should be able to expect (unless you've agreed together otherwise)- that you will at least occasionally have sex with your partner. Again unless it's your pre-martial agreement to be chaste, a relationship without sex is called friendship- not marriage. It's not unreasonable on his part to want to have sex with his wife from time to time. If one party's feelings about sex change, it's important to either address it and come to an agreement or to separate. So technically speaking, you DO owe your spouse sex, if you've married each other (and expect them to be faithful to you) with the expectation that you will act as a fully married couple that has marital intimacy. And if your feelings about that have changed, You DO owe it to your spouse to explain why and either fix it together or divorce if you don't think you can. It's unreasonable of his wife to think she can yield sex as a weapon against him- and yes, consistently refusing or saying things like " I don't care about sex" or " I'll just lay there" IS using sex as a weapon. Which is manipulative and wrong of her. If she doesn't want to have sex with him again or she finds she can't trust him to the point of not ever wanting sex, then she needs to either work it out through counseling or else leave him. But it's unfair of her to do what's she's doing and then complain about it to her mom.

Honestly, I think your marriage might be over. I don't really see a road to recovery for either of you. I see the most troublesome thing as that she is involving her mom in your relationship. Her being more interested in bad-mouthing you to her mom than talking out her issues with you or with a counselor together, is troubling. You have all four horsemen of divorce here- Criticism, Contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. All of this that you said "My wife has recently told me a few times that she just doesn’t really care about sex, but we still go on dates, she will get all dressed up, etc. then we get home like tonight on NYE and she says “well, I guess I can just lay there.” This all indicates that she has no interest in changing. You can't make her care, if she doesn't. While it seems like you have also made mistakes/had problems, you seem interested in change. You cannot force someone else to be interested in change. It's all good and well to say you've made mistakes, but it's not fair for her to punish you for those in the long-term, especially if you're willing to change. If she can't forgive you and is unwilling to change- there's only one option. If I were you, I'd start talking to lawyer.

Unfortunately, cheating isn't one size fits all. Some people are good at hiding it, some people suck at it. I've known people that have been cheated on and never suspected anything. Conversely, I've known people who were CONVINCED that their partner was cheating on them when they weren't. The truth that a lot of people don't want to accept, because it means accepting that you can't control or even know for sure if someone is cheating on you is this- NO ONE can ever be 100% sure their partner isn't cheating on them. Unless you are with them 24/7, you just have to trust them, as they have to trust you. I would say if you discover a REASON not to trust them, that could be a sign of something going on. But these reasons can vary wildly and some could be suspicious and others, innocent. I once got suspicious of a BF "hiding things" but it turns out he was planning a surprise trip for me- so our instincts can sometimes be wrong, too. I've also known people that were just good at hiding their tracks and their partners would boast about having the "perfect spouse". It really all boils down to trust. At the end of the day, that's all you really have. You either trust the person or you don't. If you do, there's no issue and if you don't- break up.

You can't change her, so don't try. Her actions aren't going to make sense to you because she's not explaining clearly to you and you can't read her mind. Make a clean break. Don't communicate with her unless you have to. And stop trying to rationalize her actions. You can't make rational sense of someone else's irrational actions, so don't waste your own time by trying.

The minute you have kids with someone- they are in your life FOREVER. You need to accept that, as does your new gf. You are both going to see your ex, so you both need to get used to that. And no, it won't always be comfortable. I can tell you this from experience because I am a stepmom. My husband had kids with his first wife, and I had to see her ALL THE TIME when the kids were little and in school at school functions and picks ups/drop offs. And yeah, it wasn't always fun or comfortable but guess what? That's what you sign up for when you enter a relationship with someone who already has kids. Your new GF needs to frankly grow up and get used to it, since this is a situation she chose to be in. You're frankly VERY lucky to be on good terms with your ex. Now, this doesn't mean your ex has to be present at family functions. You absolutely have the right to have separate family functions without her. My husband and I did this too. Though in our case, it was his ex's decision to do events/special occasions separately from us. We have been open and welcoming to her to join events we've had for the kids. You can't worry about what your ex thinks about what you do with YOUR family. I think it's reasonable to have separate birthday parties, for example. If your family wants to continue to do things with her and I think it's great if they can, they should feel free to do things separately with her and the kids. However, there are going to be occasions that you are in the same room. I think you need to worry a little less about what your EX and your GF think and feel and make sure through all of this you are focused on the KIDS. This is going to be a BIG adjustment for them. Dad with a new mate, getting used to you and their mom being divorced and having a new baby half sibling. My advice, do the best you can to co-parent and make things as normal for them as possible. Have separate parties/family functions, if you wish. But also understand that there will be some things you will also be together for. All three of you adults need to let go of your discomfort for the sake of the kids. You are three adults that had equal say in the current situation, your children didn't. You need to have conversations with both your ex-wife and your gf. They both need to be flexible for the sake of the kids. This shouldn't be about adult feelings, but about your kids feelings.

OP, I am so sorry for all you've been through. I find it interesting that you are so worried about the photos and not the fact that your husband appears to be in love with another woman. I can actually think cheaters can change, IF it was a one time thing and didn't go too far. However, in a case like this- he's already shown you- he has no desire to forget about her. What you need to decide is if you're ok being married to someone like this. He's not going to change or stop. If you try to put your foot down even more, he's shown that he'll just take lengths to hide it better. This isn't a one time fling, he clearly has deep feelings for this woman. If you stay with him, you have to accept that you aren't who he wants deep down. Are you okay with that? I hope you are not, and will consider divorcing him. Beyond the cheating, this man just doesn't respect you at all.

OP, I want you to REALLY look carefully at this. These are your words. You're saying for every big discussion you have, her solution is breaking up. I hope you understand that this response should be generating at least a dozen red flags in you. RED FLAG: She'd rather break up than address issues RED FLAG: This shows a lack of responsibility for her own actions RED FLAG: It shows a total lack of care for you RED FLAG: It shows that she cares more about her pride than your feelings RED FLAG: A long term relationship with her would be a dictatorship. I don't know a single person in a happy marriage in which one person is "always right" RED FLAG: She's unwilling to even admit/accept that she's imperfect I could go on, but I think you see my point. Sorry OP, but please get out of this situation-ship. It doesn't matter how pretty she is on the outside, she's not very pretty on the inside. Honestly, she sounds like a 16 year old in their first relationship, not a 30 year old woman. Marriage? That's laughable when she's telling you about other guys flirting with her. That's manipulative, it's cruel, and just shows total lack of ANY sort of love for you, including just FRIENDSHIP. And it's wrong on her to even dangle that possibility to you all while knowing she has zero genuine interest in committing to you. Please please please break up with her now. You said it yourself, " You should treat others how you want to be treated." She clearly disagrees and is this really how you want to be treated? Believe me, there's tons of women out there that will be just as beautiful on the outside and far MORE beautiful on the inside than this woman.

YES. She is at LEAST his gf. Let me ask you this- Are you 100% positive he's not married? In all honesty, I don't know many men (or women) that would want to hang out regularly with someone's teen kid if they weren't serious about them, and that's without the assumption that he's a creep. You are the side chick, no matter what. You don't have to justify breaking up with him. It doesn't even matter if he's not exclusive with any of the women he's seeing and not doing anything "wrong", one fact remains- YOU AREN'T HIS TOP PRIORITY. You need to decide if you are truly ok with that or not. It doesn't sound like you are.

You don't sound confused, OP. You sound angry, you sound bitter, you sound resentful. You don't sound confused. You sound hurt. It wasn't clear to me if this boss is who she cheated with or not? Ultimately though, it doesn't matter. You have two choices. 1. Truly forgive her and move forward together. Stop thinking about "who owes who" what. This isn't helpful to anyone. If you want to continue in the marriage, you have to fully let go of hurt and resentment, and CHOOSE to fully trust her and if you CAN'T - then you go to option 2. 2. Get divorced. This is exactly why so many people get divorced after affairs. It's not even that they don't love the person anymore, but they find they cannot let go of the deception, the hurt, the feelings of inferiority, the anger, the loss of trust, etc. And I'm not judging, but I AM saying- You can't live with this hanging over you both, it's not healthy for either of you. I highly recommend seeking individual therapy to work thru what you really want. If you're confused about anything, it's about what to do. But you also can't have your cake and eat it too. If you want to stay in the marriage, stay for the kids- whatever. Then you absolutely have to let the past go. If you cannot move on from this, then you need to get divorced and accept all that that comes with. There's no perfect choice, each one comes with pros and cons. YOU need to decide what is most important to you.

Re-read this and TRUST YOURSELF. There's an old saying " When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time." She doesn't love you, you aren't a priority to her, you are BARELY even a friend (real friends don't treat each other this way), she lies to you, she just doesn't respect you or care about you very much. This isn't a relationship, OP. This is a situation-ship. You can't re-build trust, because there IS no trust and she has flat out said she doesn't care about you to prioritize you, which means trust doesn't really matter to her. It doesn't matter how beautiful she is, there's billions of beautiful women in the world who WILL want to treat you with respect, who WILL want to prioritize you, who WON'T lie to you or do suspicious things. You say "break up with", but in all honesty, you aren't really "together", she's having fun with you, but feels no strong bond or commitment to you. You're settling from crumbs. If you don't end it, she will. She basically has already ended before you even began. My advice to you is don't waste time on someone who doesn't really want to be with you, life is too short to waste with time people that don't care.

OP, I say this a lot, because it's important to remember for anyone in a long term relationship or anyone who ever wants to be in a monogamous relationship or a long marriage- We live in a co-ed world. Being in a relationship does not mean you are NEVER going to find someone else attractive, interesting, funny, kind, etc. You both will. What's important is ACTIONS and having TRUST in and RESPECT for one another. Also, NO ONE can EVER be 100% certain their partner isn't cheating on them unless you are with them 24/7. It all comes down to respect and trust. And if you DON'T trust that your partner doesn't value you or your relationship, then why are you even with them? I've said an immediate goodbye to any man that believed I was just going to immediately hop into bed with someone else. Because, it means they don't trust me. But more importantly, it means they don't respect me as a person by trusting my judgment. You can't control someone else's feelings. You can't control how he feels about every person, just as he can't control how you feel about every person you ever encounter. And you wouldn't WANT a relationship like this. Imagine yourself talking to a male co-worker- would you want your BF interrogating you with things like "WHY did you laugh at what he said? Do you think he's interesting? Why do you find him interesting? Why do find him funny?". See what I mean? People aren't property and the more we try to control their feelings and actions, the more people want to lash out against that. You are never going to control his thoughts, so don't even try. What matters is ACTIONS, and even then- this goes along with trust. You have to trust that no matter IF HE DID find someone attractive (or vice versa if YOU found someone else attractive)- or even if that person came onto him- You have to trust that he cares about you enough to respect your relationship and not do anything about it. And conversely, you are likely going to find other men attractive, if your relationship continues into years. It's one thing if someone is giving you CAUSE to be worried. Things like acting strangely, changing their usual routine/habits, being gone at a random time, catching someone in a lie, treating you differently, etc. But if your partner has given you NO cause, then it is likely just your paranoid/insecurity/fear at play. No partner ever thanked their partner for assuming the worst of them when they have done nothing wrong. I had to learn as a younger person to reign in my insecurity. I learned that it's not really that other person you're worried about(other people exist and always will), it's YOUR PARTNER and your worry about what they might do. And again, why would you want to be with someone you don't trust? And if you find you don't trust them, end the relationship.