redswim30

ALL OF THIS. OP, your wife is FULL of BS! She has no intention of working on your marriage whilst fully pursuing another relationship. Your big mistake was agreeing to something you weren't really comfortable with. Your wife's mistake is in continuing to pursue this when you made it crystal clear that you are very concerned and not really okay with this. This tells me that she isn't really invested in your marriage. She's invested in pursuing another relationship with someone else while keeping you there as her safety net. There's a big difference between a couple choosing to have an open marriage with sexual encounters that don't mean anything while remaining emotionally loyal to each other. Or even to be polyamorous as a couple. The problem is you AREN'T doing this as a couple and you fundamentally disagree. And she is doing this with someone she is already HIGHLY emotionally invested in, which is in no way good for your marriage. I'm gonna cut to the chase- your wife is having an emotional affair and about to pursue a physical affair as well. You've told her (even IF you initially agreed) your fear and concerns. IF she was in any way invested in saving your marriage, this would have stopped her. It hasn't and you have every reason to be worried that your wife may already be in love with this other person. She's invested in and pursuing the relationship she really cares about, and I'm sorry to say that this is not you. The "distance between them" is a gaslighting tactic, so please don't buy that. The fact is that the distance ISN'T stopping them, they are already in a relationship. If I were you, I'd do one of two things. 1. Tell your wife that if she gets to explore other relationships, then you want to as well. Say that you'd like to start sleeping with other women. If she truly wants an OPEN marriage, this is the fair thing to do. Let her be YOUR security blanket while you find someone else to be emotionally and physically intimate with and claim it will "help" your marriage. Otherwise, she doesn't want an open marriage, she just wants to justify her cheating, by saying you KNOW and initially agreed, so it therefore isn't cheating. But you are uncomfortable with it and fear it may destroy your marriage, which technically DOES make it cheating. You initially agree, sure. But you clearly changed your mind and as her SPOUSE, that is your right. 2. And this is what I would do- Consult a lawyer. You've already got a one way ticket to Divorceville whether you can admit this yet or not. There's a difference between "being supportive" and letting your partner do something that you know will be detrimental to or destroy the marriage. Your wife can explore her sexuality, but that doesn't mean you need to stand by her side while she openly pursues other people. IMVHO, your marriage is already over. It's up to you whether you want to continue to support someone who has zero investment in you or interest in your feelings while watching them fall in love with someone else.

Nothing someone ELSE does can control YOUR feelings, OP. You are responsible for your own reactions, so let's get that out of the way first. Also, you aren't insecure because of the site, you yourself say that feeling insecure prior to this discovery is what made you look. That didn't come from nowhere. You are focusing on the wrong things. Your husband looking at Only Fans is not your real problem. What's going on in the marriage is your real issue. What prompted you to feel like you needed to spy on your husband in the first place? There must be a reason. You say insecurity, but it isn't just that. Your marriage is crumbling. He shows me know attention, no compliments, sex life is low, which would be much better if he actually acted like I exist. ^This is your real problem. And that shouldn't be classified as "insecurity", that is a response to his actions. I have a few questions for you- 1. Why was your response to spy on him instead of sitting him down and talking about how his lack of attention towards you makes you feel? 2. How long has this been going on? 3. If he's shown no effort to change- then why aren't you making a change? Either by telling him that you either need to work on things or that you leave the relationship? IMVHO, you are approaching this from a place a victimhood and wondering whether you have a "right" to be righteously indignant. Sitting around wondering "why he would do this" isn't going to change anything. At the end of the day, he's doing it because he WANTS to. And since you are not doing anything to prevent him besides wallowing, he sees no reason to stop. I'm not blaming you, but I do think perhaps you need to try taking an ACTION based response instead of emotionally reactive response that changes nothing. Here's what I suggest- Tell him calmly that you need to have a conversation. Do not approach him with an accusatory mindset and don't even bring up the Only Fans, cause that's just smoke and mirrors at this point. Tell him calmly, clearly and respectfully. You need to be honest about how you are feeling - you need to tell him this- Now I just feel unattractive and unloved and like he has zero care for my feelings. Telling him you feel insecure isn't going to work, OP. Because he can't do anything to control your feelings. You have to give him action based things he can do. Then you have to follow through. Tell him that this needs to change for you and you'd for him to consider going to counseling together. The rest is up to you. Are you willing to walk away from this marriage if he will not do that? Or do you feel like you want to stay in this marriage no matter what? No one can answer that but you. Personally, if I were in your shoes- I would tell him- " I refuse to stay in this place of complacency we've reached. I need more from you and for US. I hope you will attend counseling with me in an attempt to make our marriage healthier. If you are not interested in doing so, then perhaps we need to discuss a trial separation." One thing is for sure though, OP. NOTHING is going to change by you simply getting upset. It doesn't matter if you're "right to feel this way or not". I can shout " YOU'RE RIGHT!" at you, but did that just fix your marriage? I'd have that conversation now. If you expect anything to change, you have to be brutally honest. You have to give him an actionable plan and then you need to be firm about follow through and possible consequences of the marriage ending.

I think both of those things are bad and are reflective of immaturity and inexperience with compromise and compassion. This isn't about you having a difference of "opinion". This is about you having different definitions of what constitutes cheating. That's a fundamental difference, OP. Every couple out there has their own definitions of cheating and there's no right or wrong, but you have to AGREE as a couple what it is or isn't or you are incompatible. Example- My husband and I do not consider hanging out with people of the opposite sex alone cheating in any way. However, other couple might consider going out to lunch with someone of the opposite sex cheating. There's no right or wrong here, but you HAVE to agree. Nothing you can say is going to change a fundamental difference of opinion, which is exactly why he lied to you about it. That's what happens when you don't want to end things, but you know you and your partner don't agree. You aren't okay with it at all or you wouldn't be holding onto resentment over it. You say it's not the porn but the lying about it. And I might believe that, if you later didn't go on to say that you were upset because he was specifically looking up the same porn star and you were upset that you thought he had a crush on her. You can't control how he feels about you at this moment and he was right to put the brakes on. If you continue to see each other at all, it should be casually- not living together. OP, please remember this, there's a difference between loving someone and being compatible in a relationship with them. There's been tons of people in my life I have loved but either was a disaster with or knew I'd be a disaster with due to incompatibility. Feelings are just feelings. Every day compatibility is what matters, and I'm sorry to say, but the two of you are not. I feel it would be healthier for you both to take what you learned from this and move on alone and then potentially later with other people.

Glad you let go of the "need to get married right away" mindset. Why are you so reluctant to let this particular man go? You clearly have some pretty strong incompatibilities. Him making some surface level changes does not automatically make you more compatible because you may be able to "tolerate" him better. "Resentment" and "disgust" are huge words. That's some deep hurt on your part over pretty minor "issues". You can't just "make something" work that isn't working, OP. Ask any of us on that have been divorced. If it was that easy, we'd still be married to our first spouses. Let say you have a broken stove. Sometimes it works, sometimes the burner doesn't turn on. You think it's worth saving because it sometimes works. But you still know, it's not really a functional stove in the long term. Staring at it and saying, " I wish you worked like a regular stove" won't make it so. You and your BF are very young to be this worried about staying committed to each other when you have such major incompatibilities. It's a wonderful thing that you are learning from your mistakes and he is learning from his. But sometimes, it is better to take those lessons and apply them to a new relationship than to keep beating a dead horse. My question for you is- WHY? Why do you feel like you HAVE to make it "work" with this particular man? Are you scared of being alone? Are you worried about meeting someone new? Are you scared of "failure"? I don't view your relationship with this guy as particularly strong, healthy or happy for either of you, so I'm having a hard time understanding your reluctance to let it go? And who knows if he is interested in returning to someone who still feels such strong resentment and disgust towards him. I wouldn't want to be with someone who felt that way about me. I really do think it's in both of your best interests at this time to take some time apart from each other and continue to grow individually. Who knows, maybe in 5 years when you are both a little older and wiser, you could return to each other.

^ WONDERFUL ADVICE and I heartily agree! OP, you may have heard the phrase, " Everyone comes into your life for; a reason, a season or a lifetime." People sometimes want to judge every relationship by the "lifetime" measure and that anything less isn't successful, useful or love-filled. Some of the most meaningful relationships I've ever had, whether formative, to teach me a specific lesson I needed to learn, to help me grow, or even just a temporary " help" or "distraction" I needed - have been some of the most useful relationships I've ever had. Not staying with someone romantically permanently does not make it a "failure" or a "waste", so please try not to think in those terms. One thing I've learned is- Never judge yourself by OTHER people's standards. You have plenty of time. I had a short-lived first marriage myself partially because I felt like I had "had to" take certain steps at certain times, without fully exploring WHY. The result was only unhappiness for me. I'd love nothing more than for you to avoid that.

I say this with all the love, kindness and respect in my heart- You aren't ready for marriage, OP. Take it from someone who got married too young (24). You don't really know what you want yet. You haven't learned successful conflict resolution yet. Marriage never solves issues, it only amplifies them. You and your bf aren't compatible- and I mean this in an empathetic and kind way, you both have a lot of growing up to do. I don't think either of you really knows what you want yet, out of a relationship or life. I wonder why you seem to hold a stance of every change needing to come from your BF and not from yourself? Perhaps you should consider how your stances may have contributed to things not going smoothly? This will help you to learn about yourself and things that you perhaps need to work on. Can I ask why at your young age you feel so enthused to rush down the aisle? A wedding is ONE DAY of your life, it's the actual marriage that matters. And OP, what's you've experienced so far together, without diminishing what your experiences have been, is not even any of the difficult experiences in life. Marriage is tough, OP. Much tougher than the things that you have described. You are struggling so hard to make something work when you haven't even faced a serious life trial together. If you were to rush into marriage, you would only be headed for a fast divorce thereafter. I highly recommend that you not reconnect with him. You are so young. Go out and have fun and take some time to learn about yourself and what you really want in life. Do NOT get married- to him or anyone else yet.

I don't have enough info to know whether or not your wife is cheating. However, the problems you actually have with her are IMVHO, FAR worse than IF she were having an affair. Your wife doesn't respect you. Your wife is emotionally and psychologically abusing you. Your wife is lying to you about multiple things. Your wife isn't treating you like a friend, much less a loving partner. Your wife has created a situation whereby it's impossible to trust her. Any reasonable person would view all of these actions as untrustworthy. Please consider divorcing this abusive person who so clearly doesn't care about you at all.

Putting your BF aside for a moment and just focusing on your husband. Do I think your marriage can work? NO. Here's why. IMVHO, when you are in a marriage, a person shows you who they really are and how much you really mean to them when you are ASKING THEM in the first place, when you are TELLING them what you need. Your husband should have been making these efforts when you told him that you wanted to attend therapy back when you were still living together. THAT would have been the time to change. The innate problem with someone "trying" once someone already has one foot out the door or is even fully out the door, is that this is more of a fear (and selfish) response and not a loved-based (couple based) response. Perhaps your husband realized how much housework or cooking you did and that's why he wants you back. Perhaps he was having a work affair that ended and now doesn't want to be alone. Maybe it's just that he doesn't want to be alone. The point is, him responding now is all about how HE is feeling and doesn't necessarily actually have to do with his feelings towards you. If he truly wanted to save your marriage- and it was about love for you and wanting to try and meet YOUR needs, the time to act would have been WHILE you were asking- not months and months later. Do you really think your husband is the love of your life or are you just lonely and confused? Sometimes when something major ends, we tend to reflect on it with rose colored glasses. You left him for a reason. Perhaps your BF isn't perfect, but guess what? The "perfect person" doesn't exist. So with your husband you found you lacked interest in the same hobbies and now with your new BF, you feel you lack maybe some of the passion you had in your marriage- that's what life is- finding out what is MOST important to you. No single person is going to give you every single thing you need, it's up to you to determine what matters most to you. My first husband had way more "in common" with me than my current husband. But my current husband treats me better, which is more important to me than the fact that he won't play video games with me. Perhaps it would be wise to take a step back and stop dating for a while to figure out what you really want. If you are really this confused, then neither man is the right one for you.

You can love someone and still not want to marry them. It doesn't sound like you are ready to get married, in general. If that is the case, then I highly advise you as someone that got married too quickly the first time because I felt like I was "supposed to" without really evaluating how I felt. In your early 30's, you are still very young and have plenty of time. This is not a decision to make hastily. Be careful about doing what everyone else wants. Just because your BF is excited about the "next step" doesn't mean that you have to be. Please just remember that even if he is the BEST guy in the world and been a great partner, you still don't "owe him" engagement if you are not feeling ready or comfortable. Someone that truly loves you will understand that. Please do not take any steps that you are not ready for. That actually would not be fair or kind to him to step into an engagement when you are anything besides fully ready and excited. That would be a betrayal and will ultimately hurt him more that simply telling him the truth now and postponing it, at least. It's very telling that you are feeling anxiety about this instead of excitement. I would highly recommend having a conversation with him and telling him that you don't feel ready for engagement yet, but maybe someday. You have to be honest about this now, otherwise it will be a much bigger issue down the road. If you truly care about him, do not wait until he's on one knee to have this conversation. Marriage isn't for everyone. I say this as someone who got married and divorced at a young age- if something doesn't feel right, do NOT do it. Something is holding you back from feeling solely excitement. IMVHO, it sounds like you simply aren't ready for marriage yet and that's ok! When my first husband proposed, it felt off. I didn't feel completely "right" and I too felt a lot of anxiety over it. But I did what I felt I was "supposed to". When my current husband proposed, I felt nothing but excitement and we are incredibly happy together. They always say, if you have ANY doubts at ALL about getting married you shouldn't do it- Take it from someone who has been thru it- they are RIGHT. I recommend you first have a conversation with your BF and tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not ready to talk marriage yet. Then I'd schedule a one on one with a counselor to discuss the possible reasons you are feeling this way. You can love someone and still recognize that you may have long-term and potentially deal-breaking incompatibilities. BTW, a sense of humor is INCREDIBLY important in a long term marriage. If you think he's too "serious" now, then I'd definitely be concerned if a strong sense of humor or "lightness" is important to you. That's not nothing. Core incompatibilities can erode a relationship over time. Not everyone breaks up because they hate each other, remember that. GOOD LUCK

^ THIS. I assume he works with females. Honestly, I have hair that sheds constantly, and I'm certain people I work with get it around/on them occasionally. And I'm certainly not involved with any of them. We live in a co-ed world- this could be from ANY number of innocent things- from the grocery store, from getting coffee- etc. There has to be an underlying reason you jump to "I wonder if he's cheating on me". Either this is insecurity on your part for some reason or else he's given you some cause to worry. A reaction this strong doesn't come out of nowhere.

YEP! I've seen my share of women in the workplace be blamed, fired anyway, or if not fired called all sorts of names, etc. Let's also hope his wife doesn't show up at work to confront you or worse. Sorry, OP- but you're living in a fantasy land if you think making your affair known while you work together isn't going to somehow backfire on you in both personal and professional ways. You were a WILLING participant in this affair. That's not going to look good for you. He could hit you with a potential defamation lawsuit if you try to get him fired. All he has to do is show that you were a willing participant in the affair and you're seeking revenge for breaking up with you and he's just trying to "save his marriage". Where do YOU think the sympathy is going to go? They could even hit YOU with "hostile work environment" for bringing this to them. As Seraphim wisely said, HR is MUCH more concerned about the company, not your upset feelings that you broke up with your affair buddy. They will also not have interest in "protecting you" so you can (or did) rat him out to his wife. A lot of places would fire you simply for asking that. HR isn't your personal bodyguard. How would you even start that conversation- " I started an affair and now that we broke up, I want you to protect me if he or his wife get mad at me." IMVHO, If someone is married to a serial cheater (and it sounds like this guy is) they usually make any and every excuse to blame anyone BUT him (or her, but in this case it's a guy). It's ALWAYS easier to vilify the person you don't know than to admit your spouse just doesn't love/respect you. No one has ever been "thanked" for telling someone they were cheating with their spouse. Even if she was told "anonymously", do you really think that's going to go "better" somehow when you said his wife nearly caught you and likely knows it is you? And do you really think he's that stupid? I broke up with my affair partner, who is now mad at me/won't restart up with me and my wife suddenly found out "anonymously"? I highly advise you to STOP contact, find a new job ASAP, and put this behind you.

Hey OP, I really feel bad for you. I won't belittle you by saying things like "You don't really love her." I think the fact that you are so torn about this and wouldn't want an affair, does show a loving care and respect for her. I think people fall in love with taken people all the time, just as married people can fall in love outside of the marriage. If this never happened, the world would be such an easier place, wouldn't it? I'd say just accept that she sees you as a friend, until you say it's making you suffer. Well obviously, that's not good. Here is my opinion and advice- STEP 1- You need to tell her how you feel. Tell her that because of how strong your feelings are, that you have to do what is best for you and protect yourself, and stop contacting her and that you hope she understands. If this woman is really as amazing as you think she is, she will not judge you. A kind response for her will be something along the lines of, "I am very flattered and while I'm sad to lose your friendship, I understand and wish you the best." STEP 2- Seek individual counseling. It doesn't sound to me like you actively sought this out as much as "Oops. I caught feelings for someone I shouldn't". I don't think you need to beat yourself up about that. I honestly think this happens all the time and is normal. I DO however, think it's worth examining WHY. What qualities about her drew you in? Why did you invest so much time in someone who was married instead of actively seeking out someone single? Explore what is making you feel anxious. Perhaps you'll discover it isn't really about this woman at all, but something you feel that she "gave you" that is actively miss in your life? Something she represents. STEP 3- Put yourself out there and seek out someone available. While I do think "feelings for people" sometimes catch us off guard and unexpectedly, I also think sometimes our infatuation brain or even "love brain"- makes us think they are the ONLY person in the world with those qualities or could make us happy in the same way, and that's just not true. I believe we have billions of potential matches with others that could make us happy. This is part of why it's worth examining WHAT qualities/values you feel that this woman was giving. Actively seeking what you want in a healthier form for you. I truly wish you the very best of luck. No need to beat yourself up. Feelings happen unintentionally all the time, we can't always control them. We CAN, however, control our actions. It's time to take some healthy actions to distance yourself from something causing you pain, and take action to put yourself in a situation that will be healthier and more rewarding for you in the long run.

I want you to think for a minute about what would actually happen if you told her. Real life isn't like the movies where the AP tells the spouse, the spouse ditches him and becomes your BFF and you together you trash his cheating butt. NOPE. Things that could actually happen: 1. He's obviously pissed that you told his wife- he starts harassing you at work 2. You tell his wife, SHE starts harassing you. (I'm never quite sure when ppl say "they'd want to know" that they don't seem to accept that the AP is rarely, if ever, THANKED for this. More often, you will get harassed - called every name, texting things, sent terrible messages, etc- with the potential of even worse things that may happen to you by either him or his wife. In many cases, it becomes violent. (I do work with cops, and this is far more commonplace than people care to believe) 3. He thinks " My wife knows now, so we may as well go for it" and contacts you MORE. (She may already know he's a cheater). He may think " If my wife's not gonna leave me over this, then I may as well do the crime if I'm already doing the time." 4. He makes your life a living hell at work- others at work find out and get involved, takes sides (and it sucks, but most of society will blame YOU, not him) You're the "Jezebel" that led him astray and he just couldn't "help himself"- unfair and sexist, but this is sadly the more likely scenario. (You'll be surprised at the amount of WOMEN that will feel this way towards you) My point is nothing in the above results in LESS contact with him. It sounds like your HOPE in telling his wife is this- "I'll tell his wife, she'll get pissed at him and leave him (serves him right!), and then he'll never bug me again", you're being naive. In the vast majority of cases, that does not happen. There's a far greater chance of you becoming embroiled in even MORE drama than of "absolving yourself" and "helping her" by telling her. The time to "tell her" would have been after the first time he tried to get in your pants and you said NO and THEN TOLD HER. I'm not going to judge you, but I will ask you to not be in denial about being "concerned for his wife", you aren't concerned for her. Your reasons for wanting to tell her are about punishing him and hoping her anger will save you from him contacting you more. You'd be further hurting her to save yourself from the mess you created. That is not being kind to her. Put this firmly in your past. Move forward. Don't contact him or his wife. Look for a new job and let this be a lesson to you in not getting involved with a married person again.

Yeah- NOTHING. You do nothing. This is none of your business. Parents and their children should keep their nose entirely out of each other's love/sex life. Do you want your dad to know where, how, and when you are getting sex? IF that's even what that is, since you don't really know. It may also surprise you to learn parents don't always tell their kids everything. You don't mention how old you are. Are you still at home? In either case, it doesn't matter. It's your parents' business. Not for you to know or worry about.

You mention feelings a lot in your post. How you feel about her, how she feels about you, how she feels about her husband. But sometimes people put too much importance on feelings. Because at the end of the day, what matters is what we DO. I've had people in my past say they have feelings for me, and still choose not to date me. Feelings are easy. We all catch feelings for multiple people in our lives, but at the end of the day- it's ACTIONS that count. Feelings are involuntary. Actions are choices. For whatever reason, she's taking the action to stay with her husband. Whether it's for financial stability or for her children, I can't say. But she's getting something out of staying with him and that means more to her than whatever feelings she has for you. You have feelings for her, but you are allowing her to cheat with you. You aren't honoring yourself or her. You are allowing her to stay in her comfortable (if not happy) marriage while taking from you what she isn't getting from her husband. You should step away, but don't tell her to make a choice. Because she ISNT choosing now. You should talk to her and say "Look. I've told you how I feel. But I can't be in love with someone who is married. So for my own well-being, I need to step away from you. If you decide to get divorced someday, we can reconnect. I would love for that to be the case. However, I can't allow myself to accept the crumbs you're willing to give me when I want all of you. It's not fair to either of us or to your husband and I can't do it anymore." If we want things to change in life, we have to take action. She can have all the feelings in the world for you, maybe she's even in love with you too, but when push comes to shove, if her marital security means more to her than love, all the "feelings" in the world don't mean squat.

You're a smart person, OP. You already know the answers and you are correct- Counseling will never help someone who doesn't think they are wrong and aren't interested in change. Whether he thinks it's "right" or "wrong" doesn't really matter, OP. People can know or even have the opinion something is "wrong" and do it anyway. Sometimes that is the allure of it in the first place. For the sake of argument let's say he does have " an addiction" (I think he just enjoys cheating, but the sake of argument)- Addicts usually know what they are doing isn't good for them (I come from a family who lost members due to addiction, so I can say this pretty confidently), but they simply can't stop. The addiction gives them something that they feel they need. But with any kind of addiction, you can't LOGIC or TRICK someone out of it. (That seems to be a game you are playing with yourself- "I'll outsmart him". Trust me, family members of addicts have tried those tactics, but anyone who has ever loved an addict will tell you- THEY WILL NOT STOP UNTIL THEY CHOOSE TO. You can do every single thing, say every single thing, have the best intentions, etc- it still won't stop them until they decide to stop. Believe me, I know first hand how frustrating and sad this is when it is someone you love. But the truth is that YOU can't do anything to stop them unless they want to. Your husband doesn't want to. So again, you have two choices. 1. Either shake things up by doing something different- IE Tell him you spied on him and that you know he was going on hookup sites and that you will not stand for it. TELLING HIM TO LEAVE and that you are going to seek a divorce if he does not take concrete actions to stop. That if your marriage is going to survive, he needs to stop this. And MEAN IT. Don't drop it. 2. Cut out the above step and just get divorced. If you do not do either of these, nothing will change, OP. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I hate to see you tangle yourself in knots thinking there's some way you will "outsmart" him out of behaving this way. You keep saying variations of " I want him to think about that!" What does it matter what he THINKS if his actions stay the same?

Even if he hasn't physically cheated YET, OP- the fact is what he is doing is still a betrayal and the fact that you've gone to all these length to spy on him shows that you do not trust him. That's not healthy for either of you. Hey, if him acting this way isn't a deal-breaker for you- if all that other stuff means more to you than you being able to trust each other, then we can't stop you from staying married. You are excusing his behavior, OP. It's normal to have curiosity about others while you're married, but it's another thing to take action. Going on hookup sites is taking action to cheat. You don't sound crazy, you sound in denial about who your husband really is. "He cheated on his ex, but he would never cheat on me"- all the while that he is using the exact same method and lies that he's previously used to cheat. You are doing mental gymnastics to try and convince yourself that what he is doing is both excusable and "normal". You are also trying to convince yourself that it's normal to be tracking your husband like a private eye, but the real reason you felt the NEED to do this is because you don't trust that he won't cheat on you. Go ahead and have that conversation, but don't expect it to be pretty or to be positive. Last time you tried, he simply evaded and got defensive and that is likely to be his reaction again. If you expect him to be honest, you will also have to honest about your lengths you took to spy on him, and that's gonna go over like a lead balloon. He's not going to change unless he wants to, and I don't think he does, OP. Did he admit to his first wife that he had an addiction or did he just cheat and blame her for it? This isn't a man interested in taking accountability for his actions. What makes you think the outcome will be different for you? Even you don't believe he has changed, or you wouldn't be taking these lengths to spy on him. I still think at the end of the day your choices are going to be- stay with him and recognize that the price for all the "good stuff" with him is that he won't be faithful to you. Or don't accept that and get divorced.

OP, please understand I mean this with love and respect- I know it's hard to get tone from reading- but truly I mean this with all the love and empathy in my heart- You say you don't want to divorce him, so IDK what advice you want? Your husband is a cheater, period. It should have been a HUGE red flag to you that he blamed his first wife for HIS cheating. He's pretty clearly cheating on you -sorry, but there's NO other reason to go on "hook up sites" but with the intention to cheat. Then he's getting defensive when you bring things up, which is pretty much a slam dunk confirmation that he is in fact cheating on you. You don't want to divorce him? Then simply accept the fact that he is a serial cheater and will never be faithful to you. This is who he is. And he's likely gonna give "reasons" to others for cheating on you, too. (IN GENERAL, one should always be wary of people who blame their exes for their own bad behavior) If someone is determined to cheat, they will. I say this as someone who learned this lesson the hard way w/my first husband- NO amount of spying, policing his actions/web activity, talking or lecturing to him is gonna change it. All that could possibly (and in his case, I don't think he would) help is if you were to actually give him consequences, like physically leaving or having him physically leave. He has no intention of stopping and unless you show him you mean business, you're just allowing him to continue to cheat by doing nothing. Stay married and you'll remain trapped in a cycle of you spying/him denying, you lecturing/him ignoring, you discovering/him hiding more. I wish you thought you deserved more than that. But if you want to waste your life thinking you can change him, well- that's your choice.

Why does it piss you off? It's not fair to be mad at someone for not reacting in the way that you would or because they didn't live up to your invisible expectations of them. Try to bear this in mind, OP. Pregnancy is a delicate issue for a lot of women. Their reactions to things has far more to do with THEM and their journey than yours. Perhaps she could feel your tension when the tables were turned? IDK. But I want to be frank with you. I personally have had a VERY tough road with issues concerning pregnancy, fertility, and bad fights with my husband regarding them. And it's a sensitive issue that I have a hard time discussing in private, much less sharing with others. As women, it's important to hold grace in our hearts for other women whose journey we may not fully know. I have a hard time feeling unmitigated joy for women who have babies. I need to be happy for them from a distance. I don't think it's fair to say I need to "put on my big girl pants", as no one knows the pain I've been thru or how I still struggle with it. I have to do what is healthy for me and that is distance myself from new mothers. It's because I don't want to take my sadness out on them or detract from their joy. But the point is, it's about me- not them. It's not that I'm not happy for them, it's that I need to take care of myself and my own emotional well being first. You can't expect anyone else to feel the same joy for your own baby as you do. To put that expectation out there is unfair of you. (and it doesn't matter what YOU did, that's YOU). Everyone is different and is allowed to feel and respond differently. Don't take her actions or perceived inaction as an insult to you. It's probably more about her. Allow her space and move forwards.

OP, I think you're well rid of her. You're allowed to have THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. Everyone feels different about strip clubs. I personally don't like them, I find them exploitative and gross. I wouldn't be offended if my husband wanted to go, per se- but (and this is just me)- I would feel funny about it, and it would shift my perspective a little on what he thought of women. Like you, I wouldn't stop him- because you can't control people, BUT- if a partner is doing something you don't feel comfortable about, you're allowed to have thoughts and feelings. I would have said "You can go if you want to and I won't stop you, but I have to be honest and say I'll be disappointed and feel a little funny about it." He wouldn't have a right to judge my feelings about it, even if he disagreed. Sounds like she was mad that you did- and THAT is toxic. Good riddance.

Gonna drop some life lessons for you 1. Don't get involved in other people's business, including your parents- you'll be happier that way. 2. Other people aren't you and you aren't other people. People are gonna make choices you disagree with and you will make choices that others disagree with- just wait til you have your child- you'll see. It's best to steer clear of judgment. 3. Perhaps the BEST AND BIGGEST I CAN GIVE YOU IS THIS- IMVHO, people should avoid using rhetoric like " I would never". Unless you have BEEN IN a situation, you DON'T really know what you would or wouldn't do. You are at best guessing and at worst, virtue signaling how you are a "superior" person based on a totally hypothetical that hasn't even happened to you. Please know I mean this with all due respect and just to give you advice as someone who has been through a lot and who as a newlywed in my 20's would have said some of the exact stuff you are saying now- You're a newlywed. Life is going to test your marriage in ways you can't even fathom right now. If you have kids, THEY will also test you and your marriage in ways you can't begin to even imagine right now. Life kicks you around. I've done things in my life that I didn't think years ago I was capable of doing, because I had never been in those situations. I don't condone cheating, but I can understand the many different paths people take that lead them there. Everyone is different regarding reconciling after cheating, but it's not one size fits all. Hypothetically, let's say 25, 30 years down the road you discover- your husband that you love, that's overall been a fantastic husband to you, a great Dad to your hypothetical children, and that you genuinely love, has been unfaithful to you one time with someone he didn't love, he's not a serial cheater, he swears he'll never do it again, apologizes and does all he can to earn back your trust. Maybe you COULD imagine working it out. It's always easy to say what you "would" or "wouldn't do" hypothetically and always much different when you are IN the situation yourself. Try not to judge your parents. They made their own choices. It's not for you to judge them. You will make your own choices based on what you think is best for you. And I'm betting you won't want others to judge you for them. Also, stop reading other people's private journals.

OP, Is what's really bothering you the fact that you don't have a GF or that you feel like you don't fit in? Say you got a GF today. How do you picture your life would change? You have to change your mindset. With your negative outlook and using words like "deserve" and the energy you are putting forth from your posts alone, you're going to turn off most women you approach and even if you found a GF, if you maintained this attitude, she'd likely be gone before you can blink (a healthy woman, anyway.) Consider this. I deserve to be a CEO making six figures. I see people dumber than me be CEO's all the time. I deserve 6 figures. Why do idiots become rich and I can't? Instead of researching ways to start my own business and make a plan, I'm just gonna complain about it and be envious of all the rich people I see. I'll give them dirty looks. Furthermore, with jobs I can attain, I'm going to be negative and maybe act out at them. I'm gonna think about how much better their lives are than mine and think about how unfair things are and what I deserve. Will I be a CEO by the end of this year?

That's not how therapy works. No good therapist is going to either take sides OR tell someone what they "should do". OP, I really wish you could see what you're really saying here. With both of these statements, you keep going back to different versions of " there must be some way of getting to her to think how I want, act how I'd prefer and believe what I believe." Why isn't it sinking in that you (or anyone else) can't control your wife, her feelings, her actions, her reactions or her beliefs?

The "better glue" is telling her you want to go to individual counseling while you decide if this is a healthy marriage for you and your child. It's telling her that you saw your messages, you are very upset by them and contempt on both your parts is making your marriage unhealthy and you need to take concrete actions for change. Be direct, honest and take REAL action to show her you are serious about change. But you aren't doing that, you are avoiding that -you keep trying the same ineffective tactics (as Wiseman pointed out) over and over, and expecting different results. Being pouty, trying to "talk" without laying all your HONEST cards on the table. Hoping against hope that she will change, without even telling her what's really on your mind (the messages she doesn't even know you saw). I agree with Wiseman on most things, including this. I've been divorced. No amount of talking changed anything or made him change his behavior. If it was that easy, I'd likely still be married to him. I say all the time, you can't expect counseling to be a magic band aid. It only works if both parties are interested and invested in change. You have said repeatedly your wife doesn't even think anything is wrong. No one is going to change behavior that they don't even think is a problem. Also, I WORK WITH professional negotiators. You think all their situations get resolved peacefully and to their satisfaction? HINT- They don't. Cause sometimes no amount of talking prevents someone from certain behaviors, actions and choices. Even with the VERY best "talkers" in the world. You keep thinking there's some magical perfect words you can use that will save your marriage and change your wife for the better. There aren't. Do you really want to spend years and years in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage just HOPING that 5, 10, 15, 20, 30 years down the line you MIGHT find the "perfect words"- Many people have tried this road, FYI. And if you think that's all you deserve/want from a marriage, then do that. We're not stopping you. You seem to want people to just tell you what you want to hear. That your wife really loves you and just needs to be "convinced" in the right way to work on herself/your marriage. Everyone here (and you should really paid heed to those of us who have been in your shoes). If that's what you want to believe- go ahead. Nothing any of us can say is going to convince you otherwise if that's what you truly want to choose to believe. But IMVHO, that's not going to result in anyone's happiness- yours, your wife's or even your daughters. (BTW, I've been in your daughter's shoes, too) You're gonna do what you're gonna do. You're gonna believe whatever you want to believe.

Let me try this another way. You have a beautiful vase. It cracks. It's still beautiful, but it can't really hold water anymore. You don't like that you can't put flowers in it, but you don't want to throw it away and the vase can't repair itself. You don't want to repair it in known ways that you can, because you are worried about marring its beauty, even though it doesn't provide what you wanted it for in the first place. The crack keeps getting worse and worse and it's able to hold less and less water. Everyone tells you to either get rid of it or repair it, but you just want to keep it, desperately hoping that it will repair itself. All the while knowing that over time, it will just get worse if you do nothing. Finally, you decide to use some basic glue. It doesn't work. You try again, it doesn't work. You keep trying to do the same thing expecting that THIS time it will fix it, since glue OUGHT to fix a vase. People are telling you that they understand you don't want to get rid of it, but what's the point of having a vase that can't hold water. People are telling you the more expensive ways to repair it if you want to keep it, but you stubbornly keep using that same basic glue that you already know doesn't work. But you keep hoping that it will if you try a bunch of times that glue MAY possibly work or the vase will somehow miraculously repair itself, because you feel these things SHOULD work.