redswim30

IMVHO, sometimes things we don’t expect to happen are important. They can be eye opening to possibilities in life. Meeting this other person has shown you that perhaps your marriage is more friendship based and less passion based and you are craving that passion, which is understandable. I also want you to realize that this does NOT make you a bad person. Some people think you should never be attracted to anyone besides your spouse for all eternity, and that just isn’t realistic. But the reasons and the revelation you experienced ARE important. I’m certain there are many people that will tell you- as well as society that loves telling people that they should stay in unfulfilling marriages (especially when children are involved), that you should just stay in your marriage and stick it out. That it’s normal to feel unhappy. But I’m going to tell you that’s not always true. There’s a difference between feeling fleeting moments of not being madly in love with your partner (which every person experiences at some point) and feeling like there is something missing consistently to the point where you are feeling unfulfilled. This new person has opened your eyes to things you may just now be realizing that you want or really need in a relationship. It also isn't fair to your wife or your kids if you are really as unhappy as you say. Many people out there coast through a marriage cause it’s “fine”, but not because they are feeling truly happy and at peace. It’s great that you and your wife get along so well, but based on everything you are saying, you do sound more like good friends than lovers and maybe you are recognizing that you do in fact want more of a lover. And it ISN’T a “perfect” marriage if you are feeling lonely and incomplete. I think you also know that it’s not healthy for you OR your wife to hope “she does something wrong” so you have an “excuse” to leave the marriage. Why do you even feel you need an excuse? Isn’t unhappiness enough of a reason? Or are you just worried about how others would think/feel? Too often, people do things they feel they are “supposed to” and not because they really want to. But the thing is, even if it’s not always obvious, making choices based out of fear or “doing the right thing” can have unseen negative consequences for others involved. Example, people frequently stay in unhappy marriages “for the children”. This isn’t always better for the children. You are modeling to them what marriage should be. Even if there’s no immediate evidence of damage, many children who grow up in these types of households end up in unhealthy, unhappy or even abusive relationships because they believe it to be normal or thinking that what others think is more important than their happiness. I know since I was a child of unhappy parents that stayed together “for me” and resented me for it. I had to hear as an adult how they could have been happy if they hadn’t needed to stay together “for me”. I also ended up in abusive relationships because of this or felt like I “had to stay” in bad ones to “look good” for others. Staying in an unhappy marriage to “ make your partner happy” is also almost never a good idea. It usually does not make them happy, erodes the relationship even more over time and often leaves one or more person resentful anyway. Even if you did nothing with this new woman, if you continue down the path of least resistance (staying married cause it’s easier), the problems will only get bigger and then what happens when you develop feelings for another person? While it’s great and considerate to think of everyone in the situation, it’s also never a good idea to sacrifice your happiness for someone else’s. Pretending things are fine when they aren’t or pretending that you are happy when you aren’t, is a form of betrayal. Which when your spouse finds this out, can hurt as much as an affair. So onto my advice. You need to do some deep reflecting and seek individual counseling. Whether your wife is in denial or is just fine with living as BFF roommates, couple counseling isn’t going to be very helpful if she doesn’t think there’s any problem. And since the feelings are raging in you, it’s probably important to figure some things out for yourself. I also recommend this- Take a moment of pure selfishness. Without worrying about what’s best for everyone else or thinking everyone else wants- what do YOU want? Your feelings as are equally important as everyone else’s. If there was no consequence, what is the choice you would make today? Answer that, because deep down the answer to that is what you really want. You’re also assuming the worst. Try assuming the best. What if you could peacefully co-parent with your wife and be a great father without necessarily having to be married to her? You aren't doing your wife a favor by staying her for fear of the "fallout" all while waiting for HER to do "something wrong" and not being honest about how you feel. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying you should get divorced or make a choice like that flippantly. What I’m saying is, don’t make any choice just out of feeling like you “have to”, that’s not healthy and you will grow resentful over time. If a marriage isn’t working for one person, it isn’t working, even if the other is blissfully happy. Just remember that at the end of the day, everyone has their own opinions- including everyone here- but YOU are the one that has to live in YOUR shoes. Time to think long and hard about what you really want.

Why DID you "confess"? You're both married. He is doing the right thing by backing off. If you really DO just want friendship then why did you want to start this trouble? Why not just enjoy the friendship for what it was? Even if you had a crush, why did you feel the need to share it? You had to know that that was going to change things. But it sounds like you wanted it to take a romantic turn. IMVHO, it sounds like what you really want is for him to say that he likes you, too. And it's frustrating you that he hasn't. You're both married, what did you expect him to say/do? It sounds like you're disappointed that he's distancing from you and staying faithful to his wife. You need to do some serious thinking. If you really don't want to be married, start thinking about divorce but stop it with this "friend". I applaud him. But stop approaching him, he's clearly uncomfortable with what happened. Your husband doesn't deserve to be cheated on. Why don't you ask HIM how he feels about an open marriage?

This isn't about your ex at all. He's just a fantasy you are using to escape from your reality. You aren't happy with something in your reality right now. Since you say you starting feeling this strongly after having your first child, I have a few opinions on what this could be: 1. You are unhappy in your marriage. Contrary to some beliefs, your spouse doesn't have to "do anything wrong" for you to lose feelings for them, realize that they aren't who you thought they were, or you've just grown apart or have different priorities. That's not always someone's "fault", it's just life. We're too fast to ascribe the idea of "someone has to have done something wrong" to justify us being unhappy or having grown incompatible. Nope. You don't seem happy. Stop focusing on "he hasn't done anything wrong" and start thinking about " What do I need from him and how can we get there together?" 2. You didn't really want children or realize that you don't want children with your current husband. Hear me out, because when you say this a lot of people immediately jump to " Get out of here! I LOVE my child!" It's not about loving or not loving your child. But I know tons of people who thought they wanted a child only to realize that didn't want the lifestyle that having children comes with and it spirals them into a crisis. OR they realize that they DID want kids, but their spouse doesn't share the same views on child raising or offer the spousal support they were expecting. You need to figure out which it is. You need to be honest with yourself. 3. For some, having a child represents the ultimate- " I am a settled adult and my life trajectory is now set." No more fun, adventure, or surprises. And this scares a LOT of people. While having a baby can be wonderful, let's be honest- most of parenthood is very mundane. That's not to say it's a bad thing, but it does make many people crave a time of "possibility" or "excitement" and that can be why you suddenly "miss" your ex. It's not about him so much as about what he REPRESENTS to you- Youth, excitement, possibility, feeling desired, feeling beautiful and sexy, etc. These are just my opinions but only YOU know the real answer. Take your ex entirely out of the picture, cause he's just a "fantasy band aid", what is going on with YOU? You really need to examine your own feelings and try to figure out the root of why you are feeling this way. Nothing will get better until you do. I know it's never pleasant to examine unpleasant feelings, but it's better than making a rash decision that you might regret if this goes unresolved for too long. BEST OF LUCK!

I'd advise you to go back to your original post and substitute "my DIL" to " My son's WIFE" and see if that changes your perspective. I think whether or not you intend to, you are acting quite passive aggressive with her and if she is married to your son, then she is also your family now and you should treat her as an equal to your son. The question is, why aren't you doing that?

No one here can you tell what YOU consider cheating. Everyone is different and has different boundaries. It's why some couples have open marriages and don't consider sleeping with other people cheating when other couples would consider a slight peck on the lips cheating. Does it really matter where it happened? What if he sex right in front of you, would you brush that off cause it was in a club? Then how far do you go from there, cause there ARE men that say things like, " Well, she was just a prostitute, so it didn't count!" What are YOU willing to tolerate and excuse? My opinion, Yes, I think your husband is a cheater. The real question is, what do you plan to do about it?

NOTHING you can do or say can make someone love you, fall in love with you or fall "back in love" with you. Most women once they say they D word, there's no turning back and it really doesn't matter what you "do" at this point. Can I ask why you want to stay with someone who isn't in love with you? People don't like to hear this, but sometimes divorce IS the only solution. Even if you don't want to get divorced, your wife isn't going to be happy if she feels forced to stay with you and isn't in love with you. How would you feel staying married knowing your wife's heart isn't in it? Would you really feel happy watching her just go thru the motions? Details would help, but I would advise you to prepare for divorce.

My own personal opinion- I'm fine with all of them, because it all comes down to- Do you trust your partner or not? If you trust them, then it doesn't matter WHAT the other person; thinks, feels, says, does. They love them- Hey, they have great taste! They have a crush on them-Doesn't bother me. Even if they were to flirt with them or even try to get him to sleep with him- I TRUST MY HUSBAND and that even if a woman was literally throwing herself on him- I TRUST that he would say that he loves me, is married to me and doesn't want to throw away our relationship. My question is always- If you DON'T trust your partner to do just that, then why not? And if NOT, then why are you even with them? We LIVE in a CO-ED world. Unless you are with your partner 24/7- then you DON'T know what they are doing 24/7, you are just trusting that they are at work, at the store, with a friend, etc- anyway. It's all about Trust. You either have it or you don't. If you think your partner would stop loving you or jump into bed with someone else just cause they said they had a crush on them, why does that SAY about your partner or for that matter, your relationship? That all being said- Everyone is different. It's important to be with someone that has the same comfort levels as you. If you don't, that's incompatibility. Personally, I wouldn't want to be with a man who didn't trust me to be around other men. That shows that he thinks I have no honor, personal boundaries or respect for him or myself.

It's all about YOUR opinion. In YOUR opinion, did she sleep with him? It boils down to this- Do you TRUST her? If you do, no issue. You trust her not to sleep with someone else, regardless of the circumstances. If you don't- why? Or that you only trust in SPECIFIC circumstances. That's really all there is to it. But since you asked my opinion- there shouldn't be any condition to trust. If you don't trust someone in specific circumstances, you just don't trust them-period. If you've already decided you don't trust her, then the next question you should be asking is - Do I want to be in a partnership with someone I don't trust? And only you can answer THAT one.

Being a stepparent is the hardest job in the world, and no one will convince me otherwise. I've been a stepmom for over a decade and the journey hasn't always been easy. I find thru my own experience and talking with other stepmoms, it's not at all uncommon for the man to feel guilty for "leaving the family" even if the decision to divorce was mutual and the wife (as if often the case) is given the house and primary custody. Due to this "Dad guilt" some men do overcompensate by not discipling the children. But this actually helps no one. One of the hardest things in the world to learn as a stepparent, is to know when to breathe, step back, and take a moment. You don't have to be with the kids every time your husband is with them. However, I discourage you from doing it too much, as there will be times you are simply uncomfortable that just have to be lived thru. I understand the urge to want occasional space from them, but understand that as a stepparent, you will not be able to escape every unpleasant moment/experience- just as a bio parent. The teenage years are tough, especially as you want to help and get confronted with "YOU'RE not my parent!". Some things that helped me- 1. Pick your moments- try two weeks on, one week off- if you know you have something important or stressful coming up, or you know you need a mental break, choose that as your week to do something independent. 2. Create a ritual. I'm serious. Mediate. Breathe. Whatever you need to prepare yourself emotionally. I would sometimes talk to myself out loud- " I know they are likely to say this, don't take it personally." 3. If you've had a particularly difficult visit, do something special with your husband- go out to dinner, ask him to watch your favorite show or movie, take a walk together- something to help you decompress together and feel like a team again. I think it can be difficult for bio parents to truly understand how challenging it can be to be a stepparent. Imagine dealing with your kids at their worst, but you DON'T have that innate love for them or they for you. It's not easy, and even the most sainted person in the world will have moments of needing a break from it. That's not wrong. Take your breaks. Trust me, it will help save your sanity. Best of luck!

I don't think they will either. IMO, Based on what she said and the total lack of remorse/ concern for her husband, I don't really see what there is to save here. ( I might give different advice had she expressed any regret towards her husband for what she has done/continues to do). She just doesn't love him anymore. If she doesn't love her husband anymore, going thru the motions when her heart isn't in it at all is, I think, harmful to her, her husband and their child.

Please get a divorce. It's not fair to your husband to be your contingency plan if your relationship with your boyfriend doesn't work out. I want to point something out to you- not once in this post do you mention your love for your husband. You mention that you've been together a long time and that he's a good father. You don't state regret in hurting him or even that you want to try and make things work with him because you love him. Everything you say about your husband is an extension of something YOU want. You want your child to have their father, you want a backup plan, you want to have him there while at the same time still hoping to continue to see this other man that you actually love. None of this is fair to your husband. If you have no romantic feelings for him anymore, and you are just hoping for this other man, then you really should divorce your husband and allow him the freedom to find someone that would consider his feelings. He doesn't need to be married to you to be a good father to your child. Be honest with yourself. You don't really want to re-connect with your husband. If that's what you really wanted, you would have stopped this affair long ago. Or even be willing to let go of it now, but there's no possibility of reconnecting with your husband while you're in love and harboring feelings for someone else. You even state that you don't feel remorse. From what you wrote it sounds like you don't really want him, but you don't want to let go of the security blanket he provides for you. Sometimes when we get together with someone too young, we grow co-dependent. Sometimes people equate this co-dependency with love, when really it's just security we desire in that person. IMO, you should get a divorce. Even if things don't work out with Albert, you aren't in love with your husband and he doesn't deserve this.

OP, first of all I want to commend you for your ability to admit your problems. I really do feel for you. Addiction is an illness and one that is very hard to get out of. I applaud you for your efforts. Truly. Keep going. You can do it. Please be sure you have a support network of non-judgmental friends, perhaps a sponsor? or maybe some different online groups. Extra support is so very important in this continuing journey of yours to stay clean. May I ask why you felt that need to snoop on your wife's things? Did you get a sense that someone was wrong? Has she been acting strange? What prompted it, in other words. That being said, I think your wife is doing some very wrong things here. She's clearly flirting with temptation, if she hasn't already given in. It a lot of what you wrote, I see a recurring theme- Your wife thinks she's better than you. It sounds like your wife is done with you and at very minimum thinking about the possibility of not being with you. This is where she is wrong. If she's extremely unhappy or can't handle being with someone who struggles with addiction, then she owes it to you to be honest with you about that. What isn't fair is for her to stay with you and then treat you badly, be condescending, be mean, and act like she is far superior to you. I don't care how beautiful she is, she's definitely got some ugliness in her. First and foremost, focus on yourself and think about the things you need to do to stay sober and help you keep up the good fight. Seek support wherever you can. Again, being able to admit it and continuing to work is half the battle. But you CAN DO IT! Several people in my family were addicts and I desperately wish they had been able and willing to seek help. So, please know that I genuinely feel for you and admire your strength to keep fighting thru it. As far as your wife goes, counseling can only do so much. It isn't a magic band aid. It's up to the people who go to continue the work on their own. It sounds very much like for all her judging of you, she doesn't see herself as having anything to work on, which is toxic. She may not be an addict, but that doesn't make her perfect. When you are sober, perhaps seek out individual counseling or at the least (since you said money is an issue)-seek advice thru impartial parties- NOT family. It's possible this marriage has run its course. No matter what you have done, no matter what you struggle with, you do NOT deserve to be disrespected. Especially when you are trying hard to seek help and working on it. Very best of luck to you. Sincerely.

Why are you still married if you SO clearly don't want to be? There is nothing to work on here. Nothing. Get divorced. Your husband is a piece of work. He cheats- never apologies, never takes ownership, never gives you the opportunity to "earn back trust" and expects you to pretend it never happened. Then HE sees a parking ticket and goes ballistic? You know he's already been to see a lawyer a couple times, maybe more. Please get a lawyer of your own and prepare to pull the plug on this mess. You feel like you are betraying him and yourself, because you are. You already know you don't want this, so why are you still there? Also, please don't buy all the garbage your husband is giving you. Notes, flowers, and little niceties don't make up for what he's done. You can't and don't really want to "work" on anything with one foot firmly out the door. You both need to give up the ghost and face the inevitable. Once that's done, you can see is Nashville guy is still there to help you sweep up the pieces. Though I doubt it.

First of all, good for you! I think living on your own is best right now. Enough time has been spent sacrificing what you want for him. Make this time about YOU. But as others have also suggested, PLEASE protect yourself. What this means- get legally separated. This will save you a ton of heartache. Don't expect him to become someone new. Don't worry or focus on him for a while. Don't let codependency or empathy for him cloud your OWN judgment for what YOU want or "reel you back in". Take it from someone who has been there, I did that and it was the WORST decision I ever made in my life. This really needs to be about YOU. When you are apart, really think about how YOU are feeling. Are you happier? Less stressed? Calmer? More excited about life? These will be key indicators. Only go back to him if you really want to when this is over because you can't envision a happy life for YOURSELF without him (not to mention get tested for STD's)- NOT out of pity or worry for him. He's a grown man, and it's HIS job to take care of himself- not yours. The future is yours. Do what is best for YOU.

Is THIS how you treat your "best friend"???? By belittling them, acting superior to them, and she treats you like a CHILD that she "has to monitor?" Not everyone has the same drives and goals in life, and that's fine. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. And she certainly should NOT make you feel bad because she attained something first. She did you the world's biggest favor by breaking up with you. Personally, I think you should ditch her as a "friend". Different people are motivated in different ways, but bullying and shaming aren't healthy options. You also realize she is gaslighting you, right? Bullying, shaming, and insulting you with the " you aren't MANLY enough comment" and then saying that it's too much stress for HER? People need to do things in their own time. What does it matter if getting your MBA takes you a year, 5 years or 10? It's a big accomplishment no matter what and life isn't a race. Maybe you need to take your time more than she did. Maybe you need mental breaks more than she did. If she didn't, that's fine- good for her. But she has NO right to condescend to you for not accomplishing your goals on the same exact timeline as her. I hope you know you would never be in a successful long term relationship with someone like that. Once you get your MBA, then what's the NEXT goal post you'd be expected to meet? And then how would she be treating you if it wasn't met on her exact timeline? That's not a partnership, that's a dictatorship. Walk away with your head held high. I'd really seriously consider ending all ties with this woman. She's NOT your friend. She's abusive and toxic. Maybe you'll find you'll more quickly complete your MBA when someone isn't berating you constantly. She may have been the VERY thing that was actually holding you back.

Anyone who reads my posts here knows that I say this all the time- You can like someone, you can LOVE someone, it STILL does not mean you are Compatible. People don't always break up because they don't love each other anymore. Quite the contrary, often they just realize that all the love in the WORLD can't make up for extreme incompatibility. Loving someone doesn't always mean you can live with and having a long term successful partnership with. You are NOT in partnership. You are in an enablement situation. You are more like his mother than his wife. This is the problem with staying in a long term relationship with someone you met so young, you become co-dependent on each other. Yours has gotten to the point of you being unsure if you or he can even SURVIVE without each other and I know you know that that isn't healthy at ALL- for either of you. You cannot save him or transform him into someone he's not. There's nothing wrong with wanting more for yourself. But please understand, that is not going to happen while you are married to this man. Caring for someone with a mental illness is challenging and it's not for everyone. But it is HIS job to manage himself and care for himself and it is NOT an excuse for him not to contribute to his own household. It is not your job to his doctor, his psychiatrist, his mother or his life manager. You have two distinct choices- Stay with him and understand that by doing so, you will likely be giving up other things you've dreamed of, like travel-etc. You've been with him a long time, I don't really see him changing at this point. He's gotten very used to you taking care of him. Or you really want those things and want to feel free to live your life as you see fit- without him. But you do have to choose. You can't have both with this man. Everything in life has a price. Rough as is sounds, sometimes choices in life are mutually exclusive and you have to decide what is more important to you- Living your life as you pictured or staying with this man because you love him knowing that may mean sacrificing the other things. You mention not knowing what's going to happen. That's normal. Often in life we DONT know which decision is best. Many times we don't know this until AFTER we've made the best decision we felt in the moment and then see how it played out. But please understand that just because a decision is painful, doesn't mean it wasn't the RIGHT decision. I am divorced and remarried. Getting divorced was one of the hardest and best decisions I ever made. But like you, I was with him from a very young age and it was hard to see my life without him. Even though it was the right choice for us both, it was still sad and scary and I didn't know how my life would look without him or his without me. We are both now remarried and happier with our current spouses that we are more compatible with. It isn't easy when you love someone. But here's the thing- You shouldn't sacrifice your own happiness for someone else's comfort. It will just leave you feeling resentful and ultimately, it's not really helping him either. You need to think about what is more important to your future happiness- your marriage or what you envisioned for yourself. You already know that you will not have both while you are married to this man.

I'll cut to the chase- because every minor issue here is secondary to your larger issue- You are incompatible. It's easier for you to focus on trivial things like his friend or his dislike of Christmas, since those are more "fixable" and makes it easier for you to avoid the majorly real issue at hand- You are not compatible. And no amount of wishing or nice things you do are going to change him. Say that as many times as it takes to sink in. Now that we've gotten that out of the way- Why do you want to stay with this man? Even cutting him slack and viewing him in the best possible light- He's an alcoholic, he consistently undercuts your joy, and he isn't a present father. So I repeat, Why do you want to stay with this man? Having a child together isn't a good enough reason to tolerate abuse. Frankly, having a child with this man makes it imperative that should NOT tolerate this abuse. You've pointed out that he's not really a present father anyway. So, I will ask the question you probably don't want to ask yourself- What are you holding onto from this relationship? It's isn't that he's a great father or husband, so what then? This isn't about him, this is about YOU and your consistent choice to stay with him. The sooner you admit why you don't want to let go of him, the better it will be for you. I highly recommend separating from him ASAP, staying w/family or a safe place away from him and start talking to a counselor AND a lawyer.

I think two things are at play here. I do think he has a crush on her. But please please please STOP BLAMING HER! Your husband is the one who is married to you. HE is the one who chooses to pick up the phone calls. Don't blame HER for HIS actions. Calling her a "crisis girl" is unfair. Friends do rely on each other for stuff like that, if you want a line in the sand about when/how often he picks up- you need to tell him so. Why on EARTH was she on vacation with you? But from this, I take that she has been friendly with you, too. So again, I ask you not to blame her for your husband's action. Since she has been invited, been friendly with you and even gotten you gifts, she probably simply thinks that you are OKAY with a close friendship between her and your husband. If I was invited on vacation with a couple, I'd think the same thing. Buying chips for someone is nothing, so don't over-worry that. Now the question you may not like- Taking this woman out of the equation entirely- what is going on with your marriage right now? It's possible your husband is feeling some desire to feel wanted (not necessarily because of anything YOU did) but maybe he's been not feeling confident and enjoying the ego boost? Maybe he's felt commitment-phobic lately or having a mid-life crisis and wants to feel young again? Because you said you've been happy and now all of the sudden this is amplifying, it leads me to believe that perhaps there's either 1. Some underlying issue in your marriage 2. Some underlying issue inside him and this is his way of that problem (whatever it is) manifesting itself. You need to have a talk with him. BUT- VERY IMPORTANT- do not be accusatory during this talk. If you lambast his friend, he will just tune out whatever else you have to say or call you jealous or repeat the "just a friend" speech. Don't give him that opportunity. This conversation also shouldn't begin with a list of don'ts for him, which can easily turn against you if the issue IS him trying to "rebel". Instead, focus on his actions and your feelings to said actions. " When you don't prioritize me, it makes me feel X. When you put other people first, it makes me feel Y." And you need to ask him how he has been feeling lately. And perhaps you will need to get a professional counselor involved. But I implore you, do not make the classic mistake of blaming her. This is really between you and your husband. She isn't "making him do" anything he doesn't WANT to do. Calling her names or trying to remove her from your life won't help the problems between you and your husband. Men who are prone to cheat will cheat. If this one disappears, he will meet another one someday. This is why it's important to discover the ROOT of HIS behavior or if there's an issue you are unaware of.

Hey OP, I feel for you. TBH, your post is very long and it's challenging to decipher what exactly you are looking for advice about or if you just needed to vent. You seem like a smart woman, you probably already know in your heart what it is you need to do. Time to file for divorce. You can't turn him into someone he's not and it's not your job to "fix him". You may still have love and care for him, but you are putting yourself and your children at risk to be around this man, who really needs to seek out professional help at this time. You CANNOT cure your husband's depression or other mental illness that he has with kindness or empathy, so please PLEASE stop trying. You can't make everything perfect for everyone. Life is messy and complicated and you can't always fix every person or situation- that's an exercise in futility. Please for your sake and the sake of your children- file for divorce and recommend that your husband seek individual counseling. None of this is going to magically improve by just wishing it so. You have to take action. Your most important priority should be your children right now. The WORST thing you could do for their future, is to show them how much abuse from this man you are willing to take and making your children take. Do you want your daughter thinking it's acceptable to be with a man who treats her the way your husband is treating you? Or for your son to grow up thinking that behaving like his Dad (who is your words he's adores) is right now is acceptable? That IS what will happen if you keep playing this little game your husband has designed in which HE wins and you and your children lose. Your husband is an adult. He needs to figure this out for himself. You and your children need to distance yourself until he gets healthy. And he if won't, you need to do what YOU can- file for divorce immediately and seek counseling for you and your children. They need to understand that this is not healthy.

Unfortunately, sexual harassment policies aren't all as all-inclusive as you might think. It's not sexual harassment to flirt, to ask someone out, or to spend time with someone outside of work. And the waiting for people is a VERY grey area and would be very hard to prove. If they are "friends" even harder to prove something shady. If you said yes, then it really isn't. It isn't harassment until you say NO and he continues to pursue you. Companies can't do a THING about someone seeking an affair, especially if another participant is willing. It's not illegal to have an affair. If you do report this to HR, this is likely to come back to bite YOU in the butt and word might get out that you were having an affair with this married man. You were a willing participant, so they can't do anything legally. It doesn't matter if he lied to you- lying isn't harassment and it's not provable. The good news is nothing serious happened. You made a mistake. My advice is move on, learn from this mistake, and if this dude is as big a creep as you say- he will eventually hang himself.

I'm gonna take a different approach here. You wouldn't be the first person who ever got married cause they felt like they were "supposed to" or thought they were putting the other person's happiness above theirs. Happens all the time, honestly. People marry the wrong people every day. I knew I was making a mistake when I got married the first time, but I was young, immature, and felt it was expected and what I was "supposed to do". But, why cling to the marriage if you know it's not what you want at this point? If you know your heart isn't with her, just get divorced. It's bound to happen no matter what happens with this other woman. But definitely get divorced FIRST. I see no point "confessing" anything about this friend to your wife. Your failed marriage has really nothing to do with her, and if you ever DO get together- she won't thank you for dragging her name in the mud to your ex-wife when she hasn't even done anything wrong. (This would be worse if things with her ever DID get serious) You say the word "shameful" at lot, which I find interesting. Do you come from a super religious family? I personally believe that everyone has feelings for many people during their lifetime. Anyone who has even been married, especially in a LONG marriage, will inevitably at some point catch feelings for someone else- even if it's a harmless crush and even if nothing comes from it. We're all human. The point is what you DO about it. It doesn't sound like you ever had an actual affair with the woman you describe as your One, so stop beating yourself up. Closeness to another person isn't a crime, especially if they were someone you knew prior to your marriage. It sounds like you've always loved her. That's also not a crime. It also sounds like you were afraid of taking that leap with her, also not a crime. Doing what you feel you were "supposed to" rather than what you wanted is a very common story. But I will ask- why now? Is it because you've finally come to realize she is the love of your life and you can't picture your future without her? Or is it because you want a security blanket/another option in the face of your divorce? You need to figure this out and the distinction is VERY important. If you want to change your life, you need to do so in a way that is respectful of both of these women. Divorce your wife. You don't love her and she doesn't deserve to be strung along. I see no problem with you reconnecting with your friend but only do so after some time has passed, don't share any feelings until your divorce is final and do NOT Hold her to any expectations. Everything in life has a price. The question is always- Is the cost worth it?

So Blue Moon, you DO know why he hasn't told his wife, then. In view of this, my advice is going to alter a bit. I still don't believe his still has feelings for her or anything. I do believe he's trying to avoid ugliness. But here's the thing, life is messy. And if you WERE to become his wife and his daughter's stepmom, TRUST ME- there will be challenging times. So, think about this- If he's unwilling NOW to proclaim that you are his woman and just deal with the backlash from his wife, then what are things going to look like when she really IS is ex-wife and you are trying to co-parent together? Even once they are divorced, you are going to have to deal with their dynamic constantly as a stepparent. Also, he's already said he wants to marry you and he's not even divorced yet? I hope you know what a HUGE red flag that is. It sounds a lot like he doesn't know how to be an adult without a woman taking care of him. Maybe he just wants to know he'll have help and have that lined up for once his divorce is final. I strongly urge you to consider what I said above.

I speak as a stepmom myself. Being a stepparent is one of the hardest jobs in the world, even in the best of circumstances. There's high expectations and not always rewards. Perhaps it's less that he's in love with his ex and more that he's trying to placate her. Many men who get divorced with small children, feel guilty and try to overcompensate by going overboard with trying to "please" their ex. But this child is also still very young, which makes it harder for you, because the parents likely want to try and make things as easy for that child as possible (as they should, but it doesn't mean it isn't still hard for you.) Dating a divorced person with a young child is NOT for the feint of heart. The whole money expectations thing, you made a mistake. It can be fixed if you work on it together. The real question is- Do you really want to be a stepmom? Is he worth it? Speaking from experience, you better be sure. I love my husband and my step-kids dearly, but it's still been a challenging road. It's not a decision to take lightly or something to do with anyone you are even a little unsure of.

Don't overact to the picture. That will only serve to drive a further wedge between you. After all, you were separated. And you say that you were the one who instigated the break up. And you also say that your sex life hasn't been great- Would you rather he actually sleep with someone else or use a picture? Most men are going to seek release somehow. And TBH, since you are the one that asked for the separation in the first place, then it's really unfair for you to judge how he chose to cope with it. I would HIGHLY advise you NOT to make a big deal of this. It will NOT help you or your marriage in ANY way. You don't mention what your other issues were? But I will say this, don't search for more trouble. You have to decide if you really want this to work out or if you're already looking for ways to sabotage a reconciliation because you already know it's not what you want. Would you still be seeking a reconciliation if you weren't pregnant?

It really boils down to this. "Great potential" is a toxic phrase for any relationship. Because what that really means is, "I don't love who they really are NOW but I'm hoping someday that I can turn them into who I want them to be." You need to love someone as they are now, as there are never any guarantees of someone changing into who you think they "could" be. (And IMVHO, that rarely happens anyway) Don't fool yourself. This isn't a "hurdle", this is who he is. He doesn't view it as a problem and never will. If this is deal breaker for you, better to be honest with yourself NOW. I say this all the time. People put too much stock into FEELINGS as the key indicator of a successful relationship. Feelings are fleeting- they come and go, even in the BEST of relationships, but feelings are also not enough of a foundation. I believe people can have tons of feelings for tons of people within their lifetime- it does NOT mean you would or will make successful life partners. You need compatibility, trust, empathy, compromise, kindness, honesty, forgiveness. Without those things, all the FEELINGS in the world can't compete. Time to be honest with yourself. There are people out there that will share your values that you can/will also have feelings for.