Hopeful887766

Because at the time I had complete trust and love in her and didn’t really find it strange I text my co workers both male and female but usually during office hours and very rarely afterwards, the only reason I mentioned the texts was because I found it excessive when I noticed the frequency as not just one person texts generally. so as I was uncomfortable I just straight out asked her about it and basically it ended with she was sorry and would be more mindful and didn’t realise it was bothering me, before I knew her she had a bad time with her ex and he was very supportive and attentive towards her at work and she says he’s a really good friend, but it appears it has developed from my partners side into an infatuation and she appears to be pursuing and fantasying about being in a relationship with him, I really have no idea of her co workers intention but they have exchanged kisses and nights out together.

When we’re out on a meal for example we pop our phones out on the table and how we have them set up the senders name pops up and brief overview of the contents no matter how much you try not to notice things believe me over time things do start to manage to become noticeable and I suppose if there is even the slightest spark of doubt in the back of your mind it does tend to grow over time despite trying to ignore things, plus our watches ping up message previews it’s hard not to notice things sometimes even with phones away the watches remain, then there’s body language a change in breathing all sorts of little things that I’ve dismissed as nothing in the past but seem much more aware of since discovering more, perhaps my mind is seeing more than actually there I just don’t know but I can’t unread what I did and still feel ashamed I did so.

No obviously we spend lots of time together and we notice each others phones as we’re together and his name pops up very very frequently or it did atleast, so I actually just asked her and I said something like wow you send almost as many texts as we do and I told her I find that really unusual to the sheer amount as it does make me feel slightly uncomfortable.

What I’m struggling with is we’ve had such good times together and I never felt she didn’t love me, was it all actually just an act, am I actually just the biggest fool there is? I’m really struggling with things atm.

I believe he is a work colleague she has worked with for around 5-6 years, I did actually bring up the texts with her and she apologised and said she would text less frequently and tbh I haven’t noticed so many over the last 3-4 weeks whether she has scaled them back or just hides them better from me I really don’t know.

Where to start I met the most amazing beautiful lady around 2 years ago, we instantly hit it off, had so much in common and I had never felt so connected and happy with anyone like this before, I truly felt I had finally found my soulmate. We are engaged and have our summer wedding booked for July next year, she constantly says how much she loves me and can’t wait to live together full time and I thought everything was going so well, we’ve had plenty of mini breaks, and a few main holidays during our time together we regularly go out together and do all kinds of things together and with our friends who have pretty much become both our friends now we have the most loving intimate times together and well I felt we couldn’t be happier. I have always respected my partners privacy and feelings with upmost care and compassion and have always been a loving supportive shoulder to cry on when things haven’t gone well at work. Over Christmas we stayed at my parents house and here comes the part that makes me feel like a criminal and ashamed of myself, my partner writes in a journal usually to relieve stressful times and that’s part of her coping mechanism which I fully understand but while I was making the bed and my partner had gone out with my parents to my sisters house to pick up the twins who all seem to get on really well with her, i carelessly knocked her journal off the bedside cabinet and it flew on to the floor releasing a scrap of paper which looked like it was just jotted down on an blank invoice while she was at work one day. Now I’m not in the habit of reading journals as I understand the private nature of this and respect it for people that find comfort and peace from doing so but as it picked it up I couldn’t help but glance at it and saw my name mentioned with a sentence along the lines of “if you’re not interested I can just commit to Mick and pine away my love for you” My heart sank and I felt both ashamed of my actions and carelessness but also sick to my stomach and betrayed my heart started pounding and felt like I was about to lose my lunch I’ve never felt such a wave of pain sweep across me, I took several minutes to calm myself and then I had the overwhelming drive to find out what was happening as I had absolutely no idea anything was going on while we were apart. So I read the rest of her journal and it was such painful reading I was feeling so wounded and disgusted in myself for my actions but I needed to know the not knowing would have eaten away at me. In a nutshell she doesn’t appear to have slept with him yet but she has been out with him many times and speaks of her love for him and desire for them to be a couple they have kissed many times and she goes on about missing him when he’s not with her and she looks forward to their time together. She constantly page after page expresses her love for him and her trying to get together with him but he sounds sometimes reluctant. She goes on to say if he isn’t interested he needs to let her go so she can commit to me and be happy. They text each other constantly throughout the day but she also texts me too. She lied to me about feeling unwell and asked to go home but then arranged to go out with the other man. She sees me as the safe option that can give her everything she wants but never once says in her journal she loves or misses me but constantly expresses her desire and love for him. She mentions thinking of him while we make love and dreaming about him when she’s with me and wishes she was talking and spending time with him. The journal goes on very similarly for the other entries on one hand I feel ashamed for reading it but also so betrayed for her behaviour and even now she still expresses her complete love for me to my face. I just don’t know what to do please help me sort out this mess of emotions.