Hi Estelle,I understand what you are going through. My husband committed suicide a few years back, alcohol related. And trust me there was nothing you could have done to change what happened. It simply was not in your power. As for the cutting, I get it... it helps ease the mental pain. Been there too. The truth is you are punishing yourself, and there is no need to do that hon. Not to mention how dangerous it becomes, get help to stop quickly.
When my husband died, people suddenly did not want to talk about him, making me feel like they wanted to forget he had even been there at all. For the first year I thought I was going crazy. I would smell his cologne everywhere, and since I had moved to a new house it made no sense. Dreams were everynight, some nice others horrible. Eventually I learned it was my subconscious dealing with everything I had been hit with. It is perfectly normal to have the feelings you are having, have no doubt about that.
And letting your sister know you miss mum too is good for her, as well as for you.She needs reassurance that somewhere there is something familiar for her and you are it. If she needs to cry, hold her and cry with her, it's ok. We all need to remember feelings are what they are and it is ok to show them. To bottle them up hurts the body, mind and soul.The two of you are each others connection to the life you knew, and also now have. It's different and scary, but knowing the other is there helps more than words can ever say.
So hon, please, get help to stop the cutting, check into grief counseling, and live each day moment to moment. You can, and will, get through this. PM me anytime you want to, I will always be available to lend you an ear, shoulder, tissue , whatever I can do to help. Keep posting and update all of us, ok?
Good luck, and keep your faith.