CallingAllAngels

"Oh the tangled web we weave, when we practice to deceive...."

WOW! Thank you for mentioning that book...I'm all over it! My husband cheated on me and hid it for 6 years. Yes, the "affair" is over, but, when questioned, he screams, rants, raves, claims "not to remember". What I NEED from him is what you mentioned above...I need him to sit down and talk to me and answer my questions. He does not, and I have left as a result. I am left only to my imagination how far they went, how long this went on, etc etc etc. It's probably worse than the truth, but, since he won't tell, it's all I have. Without trust, there is nothing. Absolutely nothing. Trust takes YEARS to build, and only seconds to destroy. Trust me on this one...I had my life ripped out from underneath me in a heartbeat. I would rather have had him tell me himself than find out the way I did. I would rather have had him end the marriage than cheat. I gotta get that book... Thanks, ~Allie

I feel your pain...I was married for 12 years and cheated on....the fall out is affects more people than you could EVER imagine.....

As someone who was cheated on by their husband, I advise you to seriously think about the consequences of your behavior. I am devastated over my husband's affair...we are no longer together. Is that what you want? Do you husband a favor...if you don't want to be married to him anymore, tell him. If you have ANY feelings for him whatsoever. Because to be betrayed by someone you love hurts more than anything I have ever experienced.

If you really feel the need to be with other women that strongly (even "just kissing"), then do your girlfriend a favor and be HONEST and tell her. Break up. Then try to "get this out of your system." I was cheated on and lied to...I don't know which was worse...the cheating, or the 6 years he lied about it. (AFTER it ended.) Sorry....can't have your cake and eat it to...cheat on her...lie to her...someday, she'll find out. Believe me...she will. And you will have broken her heart...trust me on that one. It takes years to build trust and only a second to destroy it.

Always trust you GUT...if you GUT tells you that he's cheating, then he probably is. My husband lied to me about an affair he had (and that ended) 6 years ago. I ALWAYS "felt" like something was going on with this other woman, but he denied, denied, denied. In the end, it turned out that I was right. Believe me, I did NOT WANT TO BE RIGHT. Anway, like someone else said "if you think he's cheating, then he probably is..." Again...always listen to your gut instincts. Mine have always been right.

I can't really advise you, but I will tell you the "other side" of the story. My husband had a "woman friend" he worked with 6 years ago...they went on breaks and lunch together. They also went out in "groups" on the weekends. I was NEVER EVER allowed to go. In fact, one night when I said I WAS going, he took his coat off and said "fine...then I'll stay home." He always promised to be home "early". The earliest he ever got home was about 3am, with some b*****t excuse. Then, I found sexually explicit emails from them. Suddenly, all the going out stopped...the friendship abruptly ended. I alway suspected something happened. Even in MARRIAGE counceling, I looked him right in the eye and said "did ANYTHING happened between the 2 of you...I mean...even a kiss?" And he looked me back in the eyes and said "No...nothing EVER happened". One month ago I found out he lied. He "claims" to only have "made out" with this woman...doesn't quite "remember" all the details. Mind you...this is 6 years later. I feel like the last 6 years were a lie. I believe it was more than "making out" (and what does THAT involve?), and MORE than just "one time". He will not discuss it with me. I am left to my imagination to wonder what happened between them. I feel if is WAS just a kiss, (and that is STILL cheating), he had many an opportunity to "come clean". OF COURSE, now we are in a different place in our marriage. Things WERE good. It takes a lifetime to build trust, and an INSTANT to change it. I am sick with grief. I have moved out of the house that was our home. I am staying in an apt my parents have attached to their house. That's my story. I cannot advise you what do to. I can only tell you what happened to me when I found out about him being unfaithful 6 years after is happened. Allie

As someone who just found out that my husband was unfaithful to me SIX years ago, I can tell you NOTHING good about infidelity. I don't care if it "meant nothing" at the time. When you are MARRIED, you take a vow to that other person, until death do you part. Once your married, if you don't want to keep that committment, come clean and ask for a divorce. Infidelity hurts worse than anything I've ever been though, especially since I had a GUT feeling something was going on with this woman. After I found sexually explicit emails 6 years ago, he STILL denied it was anything more than "just a friendship"...thoughout the years, and in marriage counceling, I have asked him POINT BLANK, did ANYTHING happened between the two of you. He looked me right in the eyes and said NO. Ironically, ONE MONTH AGO TODAY, I found out differently. The fact that is was 6 years ago means NOTHING. It may have been 6 years ago for him, but to me, it's brand new. I feel like the past 6 years have been a lie...a total lie. LOTS of "things" make sense to me now... I have had to go for an HIV test, which, THANK GOD came back negative. You have no idea the repercussions of infidelity unless you have been cheated on. I have left our marriage. NOT so much for the infideity, but for the DECEICT of keeping it from me for so many years. That just makes it so much more painful. If he had come home that night and just flat out told me he made a big mistake, that he was drunk, etc etc etc, then, quite probably I could have gotten past it. Now...I don't think I can. And believe me...I really want to. He will NOT tell me details, and only yells when I bring it up. Before you are unfaithful...think about the person you have at home. ~Allie

The most sincerest, best advice I can give you is to get OUT of this relationship...at least you are not married. He's lying to you. Don't you think you deserve better than that? C'mon now...you do. Good luck to you... Allie

Tanya... As someone who has JUST been lied to, here's my advice: You guys have only been together for 3 months, so it's still a new relationship. Lying on your resume is NOT that HUGE of a deal. TO CONTINUE on with this lie is. Tell him NOW, while it's still early. BELIEVE me when I say it will be much worse for him to find out "by accident" down the road. I just found out my husband had an affair SIX YEARS ago. I would rather have known about it 3 months later, believe me. Not equating what you did to the same thing as an affair. I would just tell him you "embelished" a bit on your resume. Lots of people do...doesn't make it right, but, I do NOT think this is going to cause an end to your relationship. What would be worse, is for you to NOT tell him, and have him find out 3 years from now. Go with your heart hon...let me know how it works out. I bet it's not as bad as you think it will be. My best to you... Allie

What a great analogy...thank you...it's helping me in my own situation...I wanted to believe what I wanted to believe. You are right...by allowing the cheating/ignoring or turning a blind eye to bad behavior just enforces it. You are much wiser than your 26 years! Thanks, Allie

As someone who was just cheated on and not a cheater, I don't know why people cheat. I DO agree with Rabin...we (as the people being cheated on) perhaps "see the signs" and ignore them or, keep taking them back? No excuses for cheating, male or female. So sorry for your hurt.... Been there and doin' it now... Allie