TeachIt

Hey all. Its been a while since I've posted...but I'm in need of some advice again. My SO and I broke up shortly after Christmas. I did the usual...long emails, calling, and after reading many of the posts on this forum I realized I had to step away. So I did. I admitted and accepted that the best thing to do was walk away. A week later she began emailing and texting me. Each time I politely responded, as she did to my calls and emails after the initial breakup. In the meantime I focused on me: working out again and even picking up the guitar that had gathered dust for over a year. Each time I responded to her messages I approached it with the frame of mind that it would be the last time I would speak with her - thus I felt capable and strong enough to focus on the things that made me happy in life: and I understood that I didn't need her to be happy. Meanwhile she kept sending messages, and I kept responding...finally evolving into I was getting an email or a text from her every day. Ugh. What was she thinking? I took the messages at face value: "I love you so much" and "I miss you" had started to become hard to ignore. Finally I texted her: "would you like to talk at some point?" We talked about two weeks ago. Great conversation. Nothing remotely close to relationship talk. The next message I got from her really hit me hard: the lyrics to "Only Wanna Be With You". A sure sign, right? I still took things slow, and we talked every few days. Got a Valentine's Day card from her yesterday: "I don't tell you enough how much you mean to me, but my heart reminds me all the time. I love and miss you so much." These words have been convincing, but in my mind, actions speak louder than words, especially written words. I haven't been receiving much outside of regular talk from her on the phone...but is she really wanting this to work again but waiting for me to make the first major move? I did the breaking up, but she had emotionally detached herself from me for over a year. I did not want to be her back up plan and hated the notion of being on the backburner. Check my old posts if you'd like more detail. Should I continue to take it slow or reiterate how I truly feel? Thanks!

Hey man. Play the platonic side of things...but let her initiate it. I agree with the previous post in that you should accept it as the last time you talk with her, but if she calls/emails/texts/etc again and you WANT to respond back, respond. Just keep it light and good job for holding off on the relationship talk. If you can (in your mind) have ZERO expectations about where you go with her, then you won't end up being disappointed if things don't go your way in the long run. I know, easier said than done, but if you truly WANT to respond and you're able to handle platonic conversation, roll with it. I'm struggling with this issue myself. My GF contacts me through email or text every few days, but I keep it at arm's length, and have no expectations. Each time I respond I send it as if its my last time contacting her...and then I pick up where I left off in terms of healing. I know the majority of enotaloners believe in strict NC as a cardinal rule, but treat your situation as what you think works best for you...and if you can handle light conversation while still managing to heal in the process, give it a shot. If it becomes too much for you, and everytime you talk with her you're thinking "back together" down the road, then cut her out.

Hey Miss Virgo. Let me tell you something...two years ago, I was your guy. I had a wonderful relationship with a girl for two years, and I had the exact same issues your ex did (i.e. lack of communication, etc) which made every conversation with my girl difficult. She stated that there were things I needed to work on. I told her to lighten up and not takes things so personal (which I think is the EXACT same thing your ex said to you). In fact, I was the one who needed to grow up. She was right. In your current situaion, YOU are right, and even though you've made attempts to fix things by encouraging couples conseling, etc, it sounds as though he may have to learn the hard way in order to realize that HE's the one who needs to grow up and approach things between you two from the perspective of a mature adult. Give him some time to figure that out...by completely cutting him out. He may figure out that he was the one in the wrong, and he will learn from it, but prepared that he may end up learning from his mistakes with someone else down the road, but he also, in due time, may realize his mistakes and come back to you. On the other hand, he may never grow up and approach things from the perspective of an adult, and if that's the case (and I know you love him), would you really want to be with someone who approaches conflict in that way? I know how you're feeling girl, because I did the same to someone I loved...it took me some time to realize it, unfortunately, for me, it was after she'd already gone. Stay strong - the answers will come in time.

Thanks to all for your advice so far. She was shocked and upset initially. Since then, it seems as though a break is what needed to be done and is upset with herself for hurting me...we've been talking on and off for three weeks. She admits that a relationship takes two, and neither of us have been on the same page for two years. I admitted my need to be more patient with her and not pressure ANYTHING in terms of a relationship, but she didn't want that...she needed to do this on her own and sort out her feelings. But given her attitude these past few weeks, in that she feels a break is what NEEDED to be done, perhaps her feelings have already been sorted out...in that she never wanted a relationship, period? Time will tell. What are some mental tricks during the recovery period that encourages you to improve you for YOU, and not slip into making improvements that when and if (and in my case I will see her again...sharing the same group of college friends means i.e. future weddings) you encounter the ex again the improvements you made were not to win them back?

I've posted this in the "getting back together" forum before...but it looks as though that will not be happening with me anytime soon, if at all. I recently broke up with a GF with whom I had a relationship with for four years. Two amazing years were spent together, and then I made some mistakes...I made her feel underappreciated, was not very open with her communication wise, and had doubts about the relationship in general. I made the changes and the doubts went away. I knew I wanted to be with her. The following two years were spent making changes and chasing after her...trying to show her that the mistakes were in the past. The thing is I feel as if I lost myself (and the guy she fell in love with four years ago) while chasing after her. She verbalized her doubts about me being the "right guy for her" haven't really subsided in two years, but we've maintained a wonderful friendship, rekindled the romantic elements of our relationship (including...you know what!), and acting, doing, and feeling like a "couple". I broke things off three weeks ago because I felt as if I was on the "backburner", and since then have felt utterly empty inside, almost completely paralyzed. Since then she's expressed that she both wants and needs my love...just can't return it the way I deserve it to be returned. Has she not put the past mistakes I made behind her? Is it possible that she hasn't wanted this all along and was just too afraid to let go...wanting her cake and eating it too? While chasing after her these past two years, did I make the mistake of losing the guy I liked being as well as the guy she fell in love with by being too dependent and focusing all my energy on winning her back, and thus causing her "doubts" to continue even further? This being an LDR probably also plays a huge factor, I think. How do I start finding myself again, and most importantly, is it possible to find it without her?

Thanks to all who post on this site. It really has helped. My old thread gives more detail about my relationship...but I'll make it real short. -2 years of a healthy relationship -Doubts on my part, I wanted space, she was crushed -Broken up for 2 months, virtually unavoidable NC b/c we lived right next door to each other and shared the same group of college friends. Back together with a mutual agreement to talk things out and figure out what we needed to work on. -College ends. Fall of the that same year - big argument about my unwillingness to work on the relationship, horrible tactics on communication on my part, as well as added stress for both of us as I am in grad school and she's looking for a job. Hurtful things said on both parts, but more so mine than hers. -3 months of NC. She breaks the NC. We start talking again. I want her back. -2 months later we start talking again about what she needs from me, and I from her, on how to make things work. Very solid conversation. We start to discuss our long term future, and our distance issue (250 miles). Her decision to discuss these things, not mine. We both try but can't agree on some issues. She gets scared discussing it and things don't get resolved. Says she still needs time and space, but wants to continue talking things out and working on it. So do I. I still want her back. -I work on changing things that needed to be changed within myself, and I do. In the meantime, we act and feel like we're a couple, when we're TOGETHER. When alone, I'm dying inside. When she lets me in, I show her that I've changed. I still want her back. -2 weeks ago...a year after our initial reconciliation bid, I inform her that I feel like I'm on the backburner and feel like I can't continue to do it. She agrees, and can't do this anymore for out of fear that she's hurting ME! But, deep down inside, I still want this to work! - I break down two days later. Crying, even drove to her apartment (250 miles away) on New Year's. She wasn't there, but learned about it from her roommate...responded resepctfully and lovingly to a long email I sent, as well as the 2 calls I've given her, including my breakdown. Really surprised and touched, by the drive on New Year's Eve. Her email response admitted that I was being too hard on myself for the mistakes I'd made that got this ball rolling, but on her part, that she had not given me the adequate effort to really make things work recently. She admits that part of her still wants things to work out. What happened here is, for the majority, my fault. I've come to accept that. But is there any chance, even with strict NC, at this point? If so, how do I approach it? Has too much damage been done here? I feel SHE is the one that needs to heal, put EVERYTHING behind her, and move on. Am I right? But during the latter part of this relationship, she was the one hesitant to put in the effort. Is this b/c she never REALLY moved on from the early stuff? I know the future talk was a bad idea when we first brought it up, but if this is truly contributing to her doubts about us, will the NC help with the doubts? An additional note...distance. 250 miles isn't insurmountable, but it's a lot. In general, does the relationship need to be cultivated first before a decision on location is made? Or, if one believes distance to be the CAUSE of not building a solid relationship, does one simply have to move and give it a shot? I'm starting to feel that this was doomed, despite all the efforts (or lack of effort?). We just haven't been on the same page for a long time. Regardless of how things work out, I know and understand that I may never get her back.

Thank you Cindersam and KellBell for your responses. I have really appreciated your willingness to read about my situation and tell me your thoughts. After I joined this site, I started to relax a little bit more instead of looking at the ceiling all the time. However, I broke the NC...but wait, wait! After reading everyone's threads it seemed like there were some people who could identify WHY they parted ways, and some who couldn't. I wanted to better understand what went wrong, so I went through "the box" of cards, letters, emails that I'd saved from her, trying to look at things from both my perspective as well as hers and try to figure out why she still had so many doubts. I can't tell you how much it helped. I sent her an long email, calling her prior to (Cindersam...she responded VERY well to the breakdowns, understanding, caring, to the point of tears and that she still wasn't sure after she'd learned I traveled down on New Years). When I called, I explained that I was now approaching this with a level head, and examining things from how she has expressed to me she feels as well as how I feel. In short, I told her I was willing to respect and ENCOURAGE her needed space, because, deep down inside, I loved her and wanted what was best for her. I explained also that this is needed for me, too. Looking through the "box" - my God, how I had changed in almost four years! I had gone from an easy going, understanding, devoted guy who loved his girlfriend wholeheartedly to someone who was rigid, close minded, and searching only for my needs. No wonder she was never sure that our "differences" would work! She politely, and respectfully, has responded to each call and email I've brought her way. I am still waiting on her response to the long email. Regardless of how I act, I think, she would never push me away, solely because she has verbalized and more importantly, SHOWN me the love she has for me. We both care about each other that much. Time can be both your ally and your worst enemy at the same time if you want that someone back so badly! I felt that toughness tonight on the basketball court (something that in the past I have ALWAYS been able to focus on) as tonight, I couldn't do it. All I thought about was her. Anyway, a related question (in terms of our specific relationship) and unrelated question (in terms of the immediate situation) at the same time. How has distance influenced other people's relationships out there? In my personal situaiton, I feel that distance (250 miles) has harmed us to really maintain our relationship to where it was when we first met. I have verbally expressed my willingness to move to her location, but she feels guilty in asking me to do it because of the closeness I have with family and friends here. Do I need to SHOW her that I can do it and then cultivate the relationship? Or...does the relationship need to be built back up before the decision is made to move? I know I'm SEVERAL steps ahead of myself on the distance thing, but just curious.

I'm new to the forum world so I apologize in advance if I don't have the lingo down, but please, I need some help. This is a rollercoaster of events but I'll try to summarize them quickly. Almost four years ago I met my girlfriend at college. After almost three years of being single I knew she was special...we fell madly in love and things couldn't have been better for almost two years. Then in November of 2004, I started to have doubts. I was being tempted by the world of being single again, despite her undying devotion to me and the love she had for me. I told her about my doubts and it crushed her. We decided to take a break from each other for a while, and NC was virtually unavoidable since we shared the same group of friends and lived right next door to each other. She was polite and respected my wishes, but you could tell it was killing her inside. It killed me inside too and I quickly realized I was stupid to let go of someone who I had no trouble loving. We talked and laid out what we needed from each other, and I honestly admitted that I had all that I ever wanted, or needed, in her. Things were great again. We had minor disgareements along the way, and she was hurt or I was hurt, but somehow we always managed to mend what had happened and we made up. Then I lost a family member. She was so supportive, loving, and there for me through thick and thin. It only affirmed how lucky I was to have someone like her in my life. We graduated, and moved back to our respective locations. The 250 mile distance had been tough in past summers together, but the summer of 2005 was tougher. I was angry about losing my family member and about my uncertainties about "what to do after college". She was also upset about not being sure which career path to take. We would both take our anger out on each other. Then in September 2005 I blew up at her. We had both been drinking, which didn't help the situation. We both said some really hurtful things, but more so me than her. We decided another break was in order. Three months of NC. It was utter hell. She called on Christmas Day 2005. What a conversation - two hours! Our hearts warmed to each other and it was like I felt the moment I met her. She would later admit she felt the same way. On Valentine's Day 2006, three years to the day after deciding to be a couple, we discussed getting back together. Then major issues started to pile up - (1) distance, neither of us were really certain where we wanted to move (she with me or I with her), (2) with my roller coaster personality, she was concerned that there would be the possibility of me leaving her someday (I assured her it wouldn't, and really, it wouldn't), and (3) the differences in our personality - she is very outgoing and energetic while I am fairly shy and moody. After that conversation she admitted doubts about whether it would work in the future, and she needed some time to sort out her thoughts. From then until about a week ago, it had been a stalemate. Spending great weekends together here and there, laughing, feeling like we did when we were first together. But in the meantime everytime I brought up "us" - she still wasn't sure, there were too many doubts, and she needed to think things through, despite my professing to move. I think she was genuinely confused and didn't know. In retropsect, I'm not sure if I really gave her the space that she asked for, because everytime we got together to do something it would be a get together that I inititated. She would show moments of love and I could tell she was happy with me, but then there would be days that would go by without a word from her, and I would justify it by her needing space. After long enough I gave up and said internally that she needed to initiate some things. I asked her what she was doing New Year's Eve. She had made plans with her girlfriends. A day later, I called and told her I couldn't do this anymore and I wouldn't be put on a waiting list. I told her how much it hurt me to always be her second option. She agreed that she didn't want to lead me on, and although she still loved me and always hoped (and still hopes) that things would work out between us, she felt guilty about her inability to make a decision on "us" and she needed to work out her doubts on her own. Although we both regrettably and silently admitted it, it was "over". I sobbed for two days. The third night I called her and muttered the traditional "why don't you love me?" and "anything is better than this". I feel paralyzed. After thinking about my my break down to her, I drove the 250 miles in an effort to catch her before leaving for New Year's Eve. I was too late. It was the longest drive home ever. After everything we've been through, can the fences still be mended? I understand (only after reading these forums) that my assertiveness last night may not have been the best thing to do...but given our situation, does anyone out there think that time and patience can heal what's happened to the girl whom I want to be with? Advice, please. Sorry for the length.