virgo25

Im a dumper and although it was far from an easy decision, it was the best for the both of us. He may not see it right now but by prolonging a relationship that has a weak foundation is not healthy for both individuals. If anything, I hope that one day we can go back to being the good friends we were before we started going out and I want nothing more than for him to be happy...

Hi Resi, I agree seeing that stuff does have an effect on me. As does when I hear news about him or what he did on a weekend or who he's talking to. I'm trying to just focus on myself and block that all out but it's still hard. I also had a "us" box which I kept a bunch of memories in from our dates, inside jokes, etc. and I think I'm going to put that away, somewhere where I won't see it so I won't be tempted to look at it and dwell about the past. Thanks for your reply!

Hi Kellbell, thanks for youre reply. I agree, I think I am being too accomodating, I think I will try emailing him one last time and mention that if I don't get a reply I will just coordinate something with his parents. You're right, I just want to get my stuff and not have to think about this issue again. I know this is the only last link back to him, and a reason for us to still talk/have contact, do you think he's still holding on because of that? Or just being his usual lazy stuff who doesn't like putting in the effort to plan things...? Thanks again!

Thanks Adahy for your reply. You're right I think I need to be alittle more firm with my request, I just want to be civil and mature and I don't want to cause an issue/fight over this but it's getting really annoying. Also, I don't understand why he would say, "I want to see you when you drop off the stuff" but then refuse to reply to my emails regarding setting a date/time. Should I try emailing him again one last time?? Or just call him??

Yeah he does live with his parents and I still talk to them, I even talked to them about this issue (I have a gift for them which I want to pass along) so I was talking about dropping by and giving it to them. His mom said she talked to him and that he said he would take care of it (since his mom has a gift for me too). So I didn't pressure his mom since she had talked to him about it and that means he didn't forget about it because he obviously conversed with his mother about this whole thing!! Urgh!! What do you guys think about me calling him to arrange a date/time? I guess I also need to be more firm and talk to him with a date/time already chosen out...

Hey All, For the detailed version of my story look under the thread title "Ouchie" The short version, my ex and I of two years broke up about almost a month ago, we've had no contact. When we had our officially breakup talk, I told him that I wanted to get my stuff back and also to give back his (some of this stuff are things that I require so I need to get them back, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered), he said okay but we didn't pick a time/date, so about a week later I emailed him regarding the issue. He wrote back that day and said that we could arrange a time in the next few days. Also, my intentional thought was to drop off the stuff with his parents (whom I'm close to) and pick mine up but he mentioned in this email that he wanted to see me and to not drop off the stuff with his parents and leave. Trying to be civil about this issue, I said it was okay to meet up (I know I'm strong enough to meet him in person and talk to him without swaying away from my decision of breaking up). After that day, I haven't heard back from him. I emailed him again about a week ago (two weeks after when I initially spoke to him about the exchange of goods) and no response to my email. He said he wanted to meet up but now he's making absolutely no effort to do so (story of our relationship, one of the reasons why I broke it off was because he did not put the effort into our relationship), some things never change eh? Question: What do I do at this point? I really need this stuff back and I've already emailed him on two different occasions, he responded back the first time and said he wanted to see me and now seems to be ignoring my request. I'm trying to be patient but this is starting to annoy me. Any advice on what I should do next? I was thinking of calling, I know it's breaking no contact rules (well the email did too but it was something I couldn't avoid) cause he can't really avoid me on the phone but I don't know..argh! I'm frustrated!!! Any comments/advice/insight is appreciated!!!

Song which totally speaks to my experience with my ex... Mary J. Blige-Enough Cryin' Cause the sex was good you had my mind and I let you come back every time you would violate & cross the line and you knew that I would be the type to always wait so patiently(thinking) you was coming home to me(well) damn I never heard the keys or felt your tap saying are you sleep (rewind that) Cause the sex was good you had my mind and I let you come back every time you would violate and cross the line and you knew that I would be the type to always wait so patiently(thinking) you was coming home to me(well) damn I never heard the keys or felt your tap saying are you sleep Don't wanna play house no more I'm so dumb to think that you gonna marry me I got to be out my mind to think I need someone to carry me I've done enough cryin cryin cry(crying cryin cry) It's time to say bye bye bye it's time to do something for me Time to choose my clothes choose my friends be with my family They been asking girlfriend where you been we aint seen you in weeks Been chasing this fool around thinking he gonna hold me down I would follow his lead thinking I'm gonna be the one he keep around What I needed(not your money) and all that I needed(real commitment) I really couldn't see it (not a real man) You said you be there(in this relationship) So many men(these men) think that all a girl(they think)needs is to be sold a dream but I want for foreal Don't wanna play house no more so dumb to think you gonna marry me I got to be out my mind to think I need someone to carry me I've done enough cryin cryin cry(crying cryin cry) It's time to say bye bye bye it's time to do something for me Dont wanna play house no more you trippin more i'm tired of you playing got me lookin at the front door missing you're missing more to let you play me don't wanna play house no moe no more i'm tired of you playing I've done enough cryin cryin cry it's time to do something for me You turned back and back i came running But the simple fact is that you ain't want me done enough lying and crying to myself nothing left to do but move what else can I do but leave I believed that you would marry me but now I gotta breeze I beez with LT when you come to your senses but then it's too late that's always how it be catch me with the B's on the wheels Giuseppe on the heels shoulda marc jacob fe fe bagged me when you had me the next dude will gladly pick up where you left off ice me wife me you ain't gonna have me cryin cryin cry cryin cryin cry it's time to say bye bye bye it's time to do something for me Don't wanna play house no more you so dumb you think you gonna marry me I got to be out my mind to think I need someone to carry me I've done enough cryin cryin cry(crying cryin cry) It's time to say bye bye bye it's time to do something for me Don't wanna play house no more you so dumb you think you gonna marry me I got to be out my mind to think I need someone to carry me I've done enough cryin cryin cry(crying cryin cry) It's time to say bye bye bye it's time to do something for me for me for me

Honestly, I feel like I've tried every avenue to make our communication better. Evenjust improving myself, but for him he doesn't believe that he can improve his communication, his thought is just dont discuss it and it won't be a problem. He hears what I say but does not listen and that is another reason why we had so many issues. I just wished they could see the negative impact of their resistance to communication and listening is having on their loved ones. Well, it's now come to a point where he has lost me for good. Did you talk to your guy about maybe going to couples counselling, maybe to learn how to be better communicators and listeners? I tried to pitch that idea to my guy, as a last resort to keep us together, and he flat out said no, so for me that shows exactly how much he is willing to fight for us, and sadly, there was no will on his part. He said that he didn't want to break up but then didn't want to do anything to try to make things together, he just wanted to ignore the issues, childish and immature behaviour!!! I hope you're strong enough and keep in mind that you don't deserve to be with somebody who treats you that way. No matter how much they claim to love you, cause if they truly loved you they wouldn't be treating you this way. Also update, I emailed him on Wednesday since we still have to organize a date to exchange the goods, I emailed him about a week and half ago to try to set something up, he emailed me back, I responded but then I heard nothing back from him. He even said that he actually wanted to see me when we exchanged the goods (cause initially I was just going to leave it with his parents) but then shows no effort to try to organize a time/place. Maybe it's because he knows that once we get do the exchange there is no other excuse to talk/see each other? Anywho, question-when should I do next? I've already tried emailing him and so far, have gotten no response, should I call him? I don't know what to do and I want/need my stuff back since I need some items and I feel it will be our final goodbye/closure on our relationship as a couple. Any suggestions?

lol I think there's a bunch of them around, same issues just different bodies. It seems like I'm not the first to be with somebody like that, and it's very hard to make things work when you're basically trying to reason with a wall who will either just not respond or tell you that you're not justified in how you feel. Let me tell you what happened in our last fight and which basically made me feel at my wits end and decide to end this for once. It was an issue over drives, we live about half a hour away from each other. He cherishes his car and doesn't like wasting his precious 91 octane gas or putting excessive kms on his baby. In the past, when I have asked for rides, I would feel *so* guilty for asking and would always offer to pay for gas (I once paid to fill up his gas tank, damn V6 engines! lol) because he would make a comment like "ahh..fine okay..this is gonna kill my gas" or "oh man..you live so far away, thats gonna be like another hour of driving for me", etc. So I was going over for his mom's birthday party to help with setup and I wasn't able to get a hold of my car for the day. My sister said, "well can't you ask him for a drive?" and I just cringed, knowing that his response would not be positive. So I asked him if it would be okay if I could get a ride for him (and just for reference, I have always offered, even before he would ask me, to give him rides even though it means an extra hour out of my way or killing my gas because to me, hes worth the time and money and I love having the chance to be with him) I even offered this time to pay for gas cause I felt guilty, he said no that it was fine and then said that since he has some relatives who live closer to me than him he could ask them to drive me. I said no, thinking to myself, that I asked you-my BF for a drive I didn't ask your relatives to drive me home, I'm his responsibility not theirs. Anywho, I finally got my car and was able to drive over and helped with the party and went all out to make sure things went smoothly for the party (btw, I love his parents even though we're not together anymore I still talk to his mom via email once a week or so, they're super amazing ppl). So, at the end of the night, after the party, he was driving me back to my car, I took his hand and said "Hun, there was something that happened today that bothered me and I wanted to talk to you about it." He had mentioned in the past, that I have attitude in my voice sometimes and talk down to him, so I made sure I was sweet and neutral. His reply, "Well, thats a shame.." Im like okay, not gonna let it bother me, so I explained to him the situation, of how I felt guilty asking him for rides becuase of his comments and that I always felt like before he would even ask me, I would offer him but I didn't feel the same in return, it felt like I wasn't worth the gas, kms, or wear and tear on his car or that spending that extra hour with me was a waste of his time. He didn't reply to me and when he finally did, he brought up another situation which happened in the past regarding rides but was related more to my family than us. I asked him why he was bringing up an unrelated situation and if he understood what I was trying to say and why I felt this way, but he started to raise his voice and basically yelling at me in the car. At that point, I just broke down and felt helpless. I had read all these articles on how to communicate and the importance of "I" statements and how not to blame the other person but explain it to them and tried to be sweet and just talk about the issue but it resulted in him yelling at me when all I was trying to do was talk, I wasn't looking for a fight as he would often say to me. I tried to get him to calm down and just talk but it didn't really work and basically I left the car in tears and drove home. At that point, driving back on the highway yet another time in tears, knowing that he wouldn't call and try to check up on me or talk to me or apologize, I realized that the hurt was just too much, over stupid small things such as a RIDE! There just had been too many times and the same thing repeating itself and so many tears..and that this time, I wanted it to stop for good. So since then we didn't talk for a week or so, finally when I called him (because he will never be the one to call to try to fix things, unless I initiate it-very annoying as well!) we would just end up fighting and when I suggested the idea of maybe seeing a couples counsellor since we BOTH needed help with communication, listening and understanding each other better, he flat out said no. When I asked for what his suggestion was on making this work, he said, "just stop * * * * *in' and always complaining about things and just let things go". I told him that he can't keep running away from communicating with other ppl, I asked him what he would do if he had an issue with a friend, coworker or family member and it required him to communicate with them? He said he would never put himself in that situation. His answers/suggestions just made me shake my head and think, he has no idea nor does he want to be opened minded enough to try to explore avenues on how to deal with conflict and resolve it without having to fight about it. And as TeachIt said, I don't want to be with somebody who thinks this it the "adult" way on dealing with your problems in life, "just never put yourself in that situation or it'll just never happen to me cause I wouldn't let it." Anywho, sorry about the huge response, but does this not sound irrational to you? Any insight?

Tbone, firstly, sorry about your situation. I know what it feels like and just keep faith that things will get better. Time is an excellent healer. As for your support system, the people on these boards are awesome and I would highly recommend that you read Honeyspur's reply and also the articles on this website about how to understand the emotions that you're feeling because of the breakup and how to deal with moving on. As for his response, I've been through that as well. When we first broke up, he was heartbroken and we both were crying and upset about it. But this time, even though I was quite upset and crying (although I didn't want to) he seemed fine. I saw him this weekend at a friends bday party (we have theh same mutual friends) and it was difficult seeing him being normal and happy, apparently the weekend after we broke up he went away with some friends and I heard through the grapewine that he had danced with some girls. Not sure if its entirely true, but it stinks to hear that or like in your situation, to have him act as if he's happy about the break up. Just keep faith, and focus on yourself, not him. You need the care, love and attention from yourself. As well, as TeachIt said, you don't really know what he's going through, maybe in the future he will realize what he lost, maybe he'll realize this with somebody else or maybe he'll never realize it-now is your time to focus on yourself and gain some insight on you. He may be acting as if he's happy-to cover up the pain? to act as if it doesn't really bother him? Sometimes it takes guys a while to realize what they have, especially after they lose it. I know before my ex and I started going out, we got into a little tiff (I thought we were starting to date and he wasn't that into it-too distracted by his video games) so I gave him the cold shoulder and stopped talking to him, two months later it hit him how much he realized me and he finally got his act together and asked me out and told me that he loved me. So, basically, you don't know what the future holds for you, for him and for your relationship. Right now, I would suggest that instead of putting all of your focus,energy and thoughts on what went wrong and on him, direct it towards yourself. Do something for yourself, distract yourself with this board, friends, family, working, the gym, art or my favourite-retail therapy! Honeyspur said it best, give yourself the care that he didn't. Hope this helps Tbone, keep me updated!

Hey audrey, thanks for your reply, I really do appreciate your words of support and insight. Its comforting to know that others have gone travelling down the same path. I know exactly how you feel when you say that you feel like you tried and exhausted every avenue to try to solve your problems but the other person just takes a back seat approach, its very emotionally draining. And I agree, in some agrees our outlook and way of thinking is very much alike, but its also very different on some topics i.e. relationships Where he feels and has told me that a relationship should not be work, I feel that is and the more you put into it the more you can get out but not everybody has the same outlook nor the willingness to put in the same amt of effort into a relationship. It is very hard to let go, especially when this person has had such a huge impact on your life, he was my first love and we went through that experience together. It's just a matter of letting go and realizing that what you had was in the past.

HI Honeyspur, Thanks for replying and for all your helpful advice, it means a lot and is definitely valid! I agree when you say that we have to learn to accept certain things about the other person in a relationship, and to some degree I did, for example the whole romance thing, I understood and okay he wasn't that type of guy but he had a bunch of other great qualities in him. But there are just certain foundation issues (i.e. communication, showing affection, effort-making plans and showing the other person that you actually want to be with them) which are just necessary and without them it makes for a weak relationship. It was all there when we first started going out and then after our first fight he "changed himself" to protect himself from getting hurt and turned cold and distant in a way. I would always tell him that I miss the "old him" and he would reply "well you're the one who changed him..". You've hit the nail on the head when you say that he has confrontation issues, he avoids them like no tomorrow. When it comes to be trying to express myself and or tell him something that hurt me, he immediately things im "complaining, * * * * *ing, nagging or putting him down". When I try to explain to him that I just want him to be aware of how I'm feeling, he refuses to listen and gets defensive instead or throws a comment back to me about something that I did in the past which hurt him. I know right now this is the best thing, cause you said it best, I'm going to focus on giving myself the care that he didn't. I deleted the majority of our pictures and msn conversations (boy we talked alot but somehow couldn't talk about "us" lol i remember how there would be time that I would say I love you or I miss you or I care about you and I would get a "cool" or "okay" or just silence in return, gosh that felt * * * *ty lol but he would claim that he did love me when I would try to talk to him about that) I'm also reading alot, trying to figure out some things about myself, how to forgive and move on and accept the situation as what it really is (I have a bad habit of sometimes drifting off and imaging what it would be like if we got back together, especially when I'm driving lol) Thanks for the links, I will be sure to use the journal and the NC challenge (after I get my stuff back). But I think the best thing for both of us right now is to be apart and reflect and gain some insight into ourselves and our relationship-the good and the bad. As well, thanks for your comment "your pain is justified", so many times he would tell me that you're just being overemotional and dramatic and that normal girls wouldn't be getting upset, but I really feel that my demands aren't outrageous or crazy (I'm not asking for pearls and fancy dinners). Thanks again Honeyspur for your comments, they really struck a chord and helped with some new realizations, appreciation that there are other people out there who have gone through the same thing and are okay. Thank you!

Hey Mr. Teach, Thanks for the message and positive words, I really do appreciate it. It's nice to hear feedback from somebody who has gone through the same experience but from the other person's perspective. And I totally agree when you say that he has to grow up, there are definitely issues of maturity since time after time he has refused to talk about our issues or attempt to get help to learn how to communicate and work on our other issues. I guess only time will tell what happens, but you're right and I agree that I am making this decision because I want to be with somebody who does take an adult perspective to dealing with problems and does not want to avoid or not confront them, and I don't want to be with somebody who handles conflicts this way, thats for sure. As much as I love him and care about him, at times being with him and having to go through those painful fights and experiences (which wouldn't have been so hurtful if we were just able to listen and talk with each other) were really heartbreaking and not worth it. My plan is to cut him out, even though the last time we talked he insisted that we remain friends and continue talking but I told him that we both needed our space and time to become individuals again, cause you can't just flick off a switch and go from a couple to friends. I do have to meet him again though, prolly sometime next week, since we have do the exchange of goods. I really don't think that he will ask for another chance, cause the last time we talked he said that he wouldn't be come crying back again (last time he did lol) and I wouldn't want that, since I know that until he realizes, acknowledges and agrees to work on ur issues that he will not change. *sigh* It's definitely a hard thing to go through, especially when the other person was your best friend but I've been reading alot and I've got some great advice from this site (and from you!) about how to go about getting over this phase and moving on. Part of me wants for him to realize what he's lost and to reconcile but the other half is excited and wants to move on and be with somebody who will treat me the way I deserve (i.e. communication, effort and affection), I guess it's just the long history we have together that makes me nostalgic.. Anywho, I'm going to stop now, cause I can go on and on lol But thanks for listening and for replying, it helps to know that somebody out there is supporting you I'll keep you updated with what happens after the exchange of goods.

Hey all! Ive been on the boards for a while, mostly reading about other peoples experiences and it has really helped me and I just want to thank everybody for sharing their experiences, since its given me hope that soon enough I will be okay, move on and come out stronger in the end. Alittle background on my situation-about two weeks ago I broke up with my now ex bf of two years, we were very close friends for about one year before we started dating. We started off great..but soon problems arised and although we tried to fix them, things were just not working out (it's very hard to get somebody to meet you halfway when theyre extremely stubborn!) so we broke up. However, he was heartbroken, as was I, about the breakup and we decided to give it another shot since he promised he would try to work on areas which he admitted he had problems in (i.e. communication, making me a priority in his life, showing affection, putting in effort into the relationship, romance, etc.) okay, actually thats quite a few problems now that ive listed them all lol anyways, so we got back together this summer and things were going good but there were still underlying unresolved issues.. We had a fight about an issue in December and decided to go on a break but I think we both knew in our hearts that it was going to end..during that time we did not talk much and if we did..it would always end up in a fight (when I would try to talk to him..he would stop me and say "just before you start complaining..know that youre looking for a fight and youre going to get one") so with that kind of attitude I just felt like we werent going to be to get on the path to resolving our issues in a positive way when one side already had the notion that it was going end in a negative fight and not some type of resolution..the only and last resort I could think of was to talk to a couples counsellor and he flat out said no because he "didnt think it would work" but has never been to one before..his only suggestion for a resolution to our problems was for me to "stop being so emotional and just be like him, not bring up any issues and just accept everything" after I heard that I was pretty much decided that if he wasnt willing and ready to fight for us at this point and talk about our problems..what would happen when we came to face bigger issues later on in life? (we both had talked about marriage and children) As well, there has been alot of hurt in the past two years between the two of us (not saying I didn't hurt him but mine was never intentionally and I tried to always explain and apologize for the hurt I caused) but some of things which I found out about..were extremely painful especially when I learned about the way he spoke about me behind my back to a girl who used to be his "friend with benefits", he claimed he would stop talking to her but I later found out that he still did, however I let that all go and forgave him and trusted him for the sake of our relationship to work out, anywho basically a lot of water under the bridge. Anywho, so now its been two weeks..and NC..ive been pretty proud of myself since even though I saw him twice (at bday parties because we all have the same mutual friends) I was civil and only said hi and bye and nothing more..no phone calls, chats, ims, texts..nada! the only thing that I did, which im not proud of cause I was doing really well, is that I checked his facebook profile..and I guess it just kinda hit me today..when I saw that his status was noted down as single. I just didnt expect it to hit me so hard..seeing the word "single" next to his name..im not gonna lie cause I do miss him, especially having that person to share things with, talk to, hang out and cuddle with..but I know in the end that he did not have the ability nor wanted to try to make the effort to treat me the way I deserve to be treated..just *sigh* it was hard to see that lol I told him that I thought it would be better if we didnt talk for a while, he said he still wanted to talk, but I said it will take us a while to actually be able to become friends since if we went right into talking as "just friends" from "a couple" we would be lying to ourselves since our emotions would not have changed for each other..he agreed although he said that he was ready to talk me and wanted to..but I resisted and said I wanted some time to just become ourselves again and leave behind the "couple" mentality which we had for so long towards each other.. We did talk about exchanging our stuff, well I brought it up in our final conversation, and we said we would pick a date and exchange the stuff (I was ready to just drop it off with his parents and pick up my stuff but he said he wanted to see me) I agreed to that since I know right now I am strong enough to not let anything happen, I gave him his second chance and he didn't care enough to take full advantage of it so there is no third chance now. So I told him I was available last week and waited for a reply (via email) but so far I haven't heard anything. I'm just wondering how much longer I should wait til I contact him again about the stuff? (this is stuff which I do need, trust me if I didn't need it I wouldn't be contacting him) I also have his stuff and want to end this maturely and in a civil way and want to return his stuff. As well, I know he is lazy and unless I bring it up (like all of our issues and one of our major communication problems) he will not bring up it up and will avoid it like the plague. Sorry about the long post, it just feels good to get it all out of my head even though I have amazing friends and family who are always willing to lend an ear and make me feel better..just felt like sharing since just reading this board has helped me out already and any thoughts, comments, support would be appreciated. Thanks for reading and take care!

hey pocky! wow..we have a lot in common..my ex and i just broke up a while ago after being on a break for a few weeks..it was definitely hard but i know this is the best thing for me right now..he just isnt willing to make the effort to treat a girl right..and even though i told him i thought it would be best not to have contact for a while, he wants to talk and be friends right away..he refuses to admit it but we both need time to heal and be our own individuals again before we can start a friendship..its just sad..especially when this person was your friend before you started dating..and lastly, im also from toronto all i can say, is hang in there..i know itll be hard but trust me, its been almost 2 weeks now since we officially broke up and although i havent talked to him, it has been one of the most difficult things, since youre mentally attached to them and also used to the routine of having them in your life..just be strong, know that this is the best thing for you right now and just focus your efforts on yourself..you deserve it..