Confused_kelly
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How to talk without waterworks
Confused_kelly replied to Confused_kelly's topic in Relationship Advice
Another thing is should I go to a psychologist or a psychiatrist? I really wouldnt know -
How to talk without waterworks
Confused_kelly replied to Confused_kelly's topic in Relationship Advice
I agree with you I have been going around the idea of counseling for a long time but I havent found the courage to get help. When I say I want to talk to him about it I dont intend to talk as if it was therapy, what I mean is he cant talk about the baby at all, he cant tell me anyhting about it. For example last saturday he told me that his mom wanted to go to the birth even if he couldnt because of his job, right there I started crying,and I even got mad, its like I block the fact that he is having a baby and when he talks about it it opens up a lot of emotions -
I went to stay at my fiancee's house over the weekend and the frame with the ultrasound is not there anymore, I never told him anything about it and I made sure he didnt see me when I went to the bathroom crying the time I did saw it, so Im really curious as to why is it not there anymore. I actually have to confess I was snooping a bit to see if he put it in a drawer or something and nothing, no trace.
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Anyone who doesnt know my story here it is: The thing is, in order for me to continue with my fiancee I have to accept his really soon to be born daughter, we have had some communication issues about it because it seems that Ive pushed him a bit into not talking to me about that because even though Im the first to say that he needs to be honest about it as soon as he does it I react horribly. For example my eyes water instantly, and I feel this urge to cry , but like hard crying like I almost wan t to bawl like a baby then I get furious and distant towards him. Of course when thats what he gets for talking to me about it its no surprise he chooses not to do it. Now I have to do this, I know it will take time but I just dont know how to control myself when I hear about the baby, its like I lose control of my emotions and I would apreciate any advice on how to get over that or at least control it for now.
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I have to agree, enjoy it, when you spend time apart from the person you love is natural that you would want to be as close as you can when you are together. The only way I would worry is if maybe when you are not together you dont talk , you cant get ahold of him or something like that. If communication is good when you dont see each other, I see no problem. So in that note, How is your relationship when you are apart?
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Thank you so much for your understanding, I think you are one of few who have told me they understand why I feel like this, most people dont get it, they brush the situation as no big deal, well it is a big deal to me. Its not like I choose to feel like this. I have given the whole therapy thing a lot of thought, but it ends there, I think Im afraid, Im afraid of someone telling me this is not going to change, that I will feel like this forever if I stay with him. Im afraid they will tell me Im a hopeless case. I ve tried on my own to get beter, with as you can see no success at all. I started the whole eating better thing a few days ago and it does help a bit, I want to get better I hate feeling like this, this is not me. You are absolutely correct when you say I havr to commit myself to get better, because ive ben doing it half ***** and I always go back to square one. So I have madea promise to myself to call a doctor on mondayand make an app. Ill post about it, and thank you again honey
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For those who dont know what Im going through heres the post: I have noticed since I found out the ex paid a visit, there seems to be this big pink elephant with us at all times. It's like we know we have a lot on our minds about the situation. It feels tense, I wanted to ask for ways to at least clear the tension, we have talked about the situation endleslly, there is really nothing new to say, but I think it kind of drained us. I just want to clear that tension up, I mean we already talked about it, we already agreed what we are going to do, still we have always had an excelent flow to our relationship, that now seems kind of stuck. I know it will probably take some time, but I just want to start the process of being nornal again. This has been going on since tuesday, we have seen a LOT of each other these days, so if anyone could help me on how can I steer things back to how they were I would apreciate it.
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Boyfriend is aggravated at everything I do?
Confused_kelly replied to xmrth's topic in Relationship Advice
I agree with Kalika, maybe you should try missing each other to see how it goes. If he still gets aggravated then you should have a serious conversation about it. The are countless reasons why he could be acting this way How long have you been together? and When did this start? -
I talked with him and with his mom. He didnt know she was here, apparently she was here since the 14th(wednesday) but she popped up at his house on monday with her brother and father, without calling first, thank god I wasnt there. He told me that he saw how depressed I got Sunday when we ate with his grandmother and dad, so when he saw her monday he decided it was best not to tell me. His attitude towards the pregnancy has changed since he saw her, now he sems excited about it, and now it hurts more. I was at his house and I was going to wash a glass I was going to use and there it was, on the side of the refrigerator was a frame with a 3d ultrasound of the baby, I literally dropped the glass and went directly to the bathroom feeling nauseous I kept telling myself "its his daughter, theres nothing wrong with that, it has nothing to do with the ex, its just his daughter", but to be honest I feel like the pregnancy and his sudden excitement is being cruelly paraded in front of my face. I feel like they are rubbing it in, when I still havent healed about my babies. I know its not like that but that is how it feels. I cant ask him to take it down or put it somewhere out of sight because I fear he will think I despise the baby. I just cant take that. I know people get married or have relationships with people with children, and its normal. But is the circumstances. If when we started talking, he would have told me I have a daughter, thats whatever years old, I wouldnt have a problem. Its the whole I was already with him when we found out, and I was also pregnant. Its not the same. I see him happy and it crushes me, because he's not happy because of my babies, but because of her baby. I dont know how I am going to stand seeing him happy and experiencing fatherhood without me. I feel out of his life, like I dont have a part in all of this, Im just something thats there, but doesnt add anything. I love him I really do and so much, and he does his best I know that, but its not enough. Still I cant imagine leaving him just because of that. I mean if he was cheating, or abusing me I would leave, but because of a baby I cant deal with , doesnt seem reasonable. I have so many fears, what if we get married and with time the kid grows and hates me, or turns out to be one of those manipulative kids, who will try to ruin my marriage? My pregnancy was an accident, it was not the moment, but I find myself wishing to get pregnant again, when I know we are not in the best situation right now because I m not working. I told him a few months I didnt want her to know about the wedding for now, now I asked him if she knows he said no, he didnt think it was the time and I got mad, I dont understand myself.
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That is exactly the problem, I havent really done that. I have not accepted this, thats why he gets frustrated, we talk about it I say I will deal with it, a week later we are having the same conversation on how I hate him for it and cant deal with it, that conversation ends in the same note with me saying Ill accept, and is a cycle. I really have a problem with this. He trieds to be honest with me about it and I get mad because hes talking to me about her, and because he talks to me about it must mean he is thinking about getting back with her etc. Im am mess!! Im really ashamed by my behaviour but I dont know what gets into me.
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Thank you so much for checking in, we are going to talk again today, one of the problems I have, because I cant pretend I dont bring anything to this is when I talk about the situation I do it in a way that makes me sound resentful, I get really mad and I suddenly throw every other thing hes done to his face, stuff from the past , and thats why he says he cant talk to me like that, Ill give him that one. I act quite unreasonable, Im ashamed to admit I even push the whole Im breaking up with you because of the baby, almost twice a month so Im partly to blame for him not wanting to deal with it. I push his buttons I know, still I deserve his understanding. I know I have to stop reacting the way I am. If he would have told me without lying about her coming here, honest to God, Yes I would have been very mad, I make the situation a no win-no win for him because in a way its my way of "grounding" him for lack of a better word. Because Ive realized this I start therapy next week, we are talking today, once I start modifications if he doesnt want to reassure me then its done. She is definitely not moving back, he talked to me yesterday about how he wanted me to see this as me gainin a stepdaughter and he told me he fears Im going to hate the child, how he needs to be able to talk to me about it, but in a calm way without tantrums, fights or sarcasm from my part. I realize this is just too delicate, and I cant deal with it alone. when I talk to him tonight ill let you know what happened.
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Update. We are kind of on a break, she came sunday he saw her monday, but didnt tell me anything about it. I knew he was covering something, because is so easy to tell with him and he finally told me: "she flew in sunday and appeared here with her brother and parents so we talked" Because he lied and I had to drag the truth out of him, I told him I need time to think because I cant accept and respect something when you dont respect our relationship. I told him he needed to think things too, he says he doesnt have anything to think about because he wants to be with me, I made it clear then that it wasnt about thinking about who he wants to be with it was about thinking if he is able to handle both things. To fulfill his responsabilities without putting me aside. If he is capable of telling the truth. Im calm, its not merely in his hands, I have to think a lot too because if this is a sign of things to come I wont marry him. She leaves again today, apparently from what his mom told me, she is HUGE, about to pop, so she has to go back quickly. Was I too rough?
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Today Im having one of those doubts day. A lot goes through my mind on a day like today.Yesterday went to eat with his grandmother and his father to tell him the news about the wedding they were the only ones left to tell, and it was a great dinner. They were both very happy, his grandmother even cried, I was so happy with everything and then, his gradmother said how she was so relieved he didnt stay with the ex who no one got along with because she dreaded he would have kids with her and how much happy she was that her great gandkids were coming from me. My whole face changed, I had to hold back the tears , the anger, the disappointment, all this feeling that came like a wave crashing. I doubt they noticed the change, but my boyfriend did. Because of that Im having the doubt day today. So many uncertain things, so many feelings unresolved from my part. He feels that I should be over it by now and thinks I should get help. I know I cant expect him to be patient forever, but I didnt expect his reaction either, he said we have been thorugh this a thousand times and everytime we finish with me saying how Ill work on it and that now when this happens he will just give me my space but wont talk about it again. Is that insensitive of him? or did I just stretch the situation too much? I cant help how I feel , its so weird, one day Im ok, the next Im full of fear and hurt.
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Aww poor girl, Im sorry to hear that, hope she heals quickly which Im sure she will, keep us posted
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Im so sorry you're going through this, I hadnt come accross all of this until today. I hope from the bottom of my heart you understand what a beautiful person you are, and that you may not understand how this is beneficial for you in the moment, but that in the long run you will be able to see it was better to find out who he truly was before anything serious happened. The man is scum but this isnt about him, is about you and how you feel, dont feel love is lost in this world, yes love is not easy, but it sure isnt this hard either. Give yourself time , time to think, time to heal and time to grow, its incredibl how this experiences make us grow and mature even in ways we didnt think were possible. I can tell you from experience its easier said than done, but think that life gave you a wonderful opportunity to get out of a horrible situation, a situation you , and in fact no one should be in. I know sometimes we think we can get through our problems alone, that we can keep it inside and it will go away, but I would advice you to at least think about getting some type of help to sort through this. Everyday of your life think of all you have acomplished, think of what a great and deserving person you are, and it maye be dificult but be thankful for being able to get out of it when you did. If you ever want to have a talk Im here, we both started almost on the same boat with similar situations as well as ITG, and to be honest Im scared now seeing how things are unravelling but I know we are all strong woman and no matter what happenes it will be for the best. Take care and know Im sincerely here for you even if you want to rant and nothing else. Hugs from here.
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Thanks for asking, sorry Ive been kind of disconnected I have been concentrating on my studies. Im doing much better, he finally got the guts to share something with me, he told me he asked for a dna test, that was almost a month ago, she refuses to do it. I found out it was a girl accidentally because I was not prepared to know , he doesnt know that I know. Now what he does know is that a gilr would crush me a lot more, and Ive noticed when we talk about that he talks in a way that hints its a boy and not a girl, so I dont know how to look at this, it either is incredibly sweet that he is trying to not hurt me, or incredibly stupid that he thinks that he is protecting me by misleading, I cant call it lying because its just hints and I have told him I dont want to know, so its either one of those or its just a combination of sweet and stupid. Im keeping busy with the wedding and my studies, still have the ocasional flashback now and then, that I must Must learn how to control because I get a bit out of hand and I dont tell him why Im acting the way I am , so he is being incredibly patient with me. I m ready to get help but so scared at the same time. How are you doing? and how are things on your end?
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I am beginning to understand that, and I love my fiancee very much and I know he loves me too, I have been thinking a lot and Ive come to the conclusion that yes it hurts me about the baby, but I discovered that I can be ok with that with time and that the bigger problem is the fact that Im scared he is goign to leave once she has the baby, he says no, but what does he know? He's never had a baby, its his first child, emotions are powerful, and Im scared to lose him again. She wants him back, and now she will have his little girl, and I have no doubt she is going to milk that as much as she can to guilt him. Because of that I decided to get counseling, this week I started to llok for places where I can go.
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Its official now, I found out today its a girl I was so hoping for a boy, but no, its a girl, I cried so much today because of that. Even more so because I found out accidentally I wasnt prepared to know yet, even less prepared if it was a girl. Now he will have the girl he always wanted, but not with me.
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Well if you really feel thats what you want then you should go ahead and do it. Have you tried letting him know that maybe you would apreciate it more if he didnt talk so much about the ex, I mean let him know you understand, but that you think it would be better for him to just get that off his mind once he is not with her. That way it seems like is not selfish. I dont know if I could deal with talk about the baby. Now I think its a boy, I know either way he is going to love it, but for some reason I feel a boy will make things harder for me. I didnt want a girl because, you know I wanted one with him, and even though, girls have a tendency to have more connection with dads, a boy, I dont know, I mean everyman wishes for a boy. I know this shouldnt be an issue, its just I have too much time in my hands until everything happens and I tend to overanalyze things. I hope you can actually come to terms with wathever decision you make regarding your relationship, Ill be here if you need me. Have you sen the baby? at least on pictures? does your family know?
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I think what I have going for me its the fact that she doesnt live here. She moved because he didnt want to see us together, so even thought I was thinking of her moving back as a possibility I think once she knows we are getting married or married she will not do it. I dont know.All I know is I have to give props to my bf , because I have to admit he has been doing a lot to keep me comfortable and reassuring me that things will be ok. He is really full of fear I m going to leave somaybe thats why he is being like that. Still, He understands what Im going through and Im trying to understand him. well see how things go. I wonder why cant you walk away if you feel like this? How are things going? how many times a week does he see his baby and how is he treating you? Does he talk about what he did or make commenst about th ebaby? if he does, do they bother you? sorry if it seems like Im interrogating you IM just curious.
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Dont worry no harm done here. I understand sometimes its hard to form opinions when the facts are not clear enough. But still I thank you for your interest
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I feel like such a horrible person, yesterday I cried to myself wishing he would not take care of his child, my god what a horrible thing to think about, I know thats not me talking and I hope to God it will pass. I mean what kind of person would prefer for her bf not to take care or love his baby because its from another woman. Dont get me wrong Imappaled at myself. Is this normal? I dont really want that but yesterday my thoughts about it were so strong it scared me. I dont know if its because Im under a lot of stress since tomorrow I talk to my dad about the wedding (he doesnt know yet ) and Im scared of his reaction since Im the "little one" and he has always been closer to me than my sisters becasuse he was with my mom longer and they much older than me. Im afraid of it because Im still sutdying and I know that concerns him, and because a lot of people dont think my bf is good enough for me, thats why I choose to not say anything about the baby until after the wedding, because they will judge and frown now that they dont know imagine if they knew.
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We are planning to get married in november, I dont know for sure when she will coome for a visit, but it wont be right after having it because its not healthy for the baby so I guess 5 months at most after the baby is born, so august, september, I dont know for sure. Im doing much better, but starting to get anxious since her giving birht comes closer and closer. I still dread the thought of him having a baby with someone else. Maybe as a woman you can understand that almost all of us dream of the person we will marry and I certainly never said Oh I hope I can find a man who has a baby with a crazy ex. But thats what life dealt to me. Its particularly hard, because of my miscarriage and the fact that my firiends, female ones, are all about to settle too, with the kind of guys we always dreamed of. I know my parenst will squirm when I tell them which I dont plan on doing until after the wedding. Both my mom and my dad know what it is to have a relationship with children outside of it. My mom married my dad and he already had 2 girls, they are divorced now, so I dont know, it didnt have to do with that, but still they know from experience. Im getting scared with the wedding, what if I dont aprove of the way he handles things when she comes for a visit? I know I would cancel the wedding, but Im just scared,.
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When someone we love betryas our trust ike your ex husband did to you is very hard to be completely trusting. I mean I think is completely normal how you felt, but even though you werent snooping I would advice to try and not put yourself in those situations, because when we have been cheated on we tend to blow things out of proportion and freak out and sometimes read things wrong. From what you say he is willing to make you comfortable and he is trying to reassure you those are from the past. I would advice to just take it slowly and see what he does, try to trust him. You say you went to therapy about your marriage, how did that go?
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I understand, so do you plan to stay with him or are you having second thoughts now? I mean the unfriendly thing could very well be so much change, people react different to situations, or it could be what you say too. Im really sorry things have not been great. I decided to stay off the topic until she gives birth in 2 and half months. What I am having second thoughts about is the wedding. Im having doubts, maybe I should just wait to see how things are going to be when she comes for a visit, because if he cant respect me and do things right why marry him? But I know that if I propose something like that he is going to flip out, for some reason he is very much afraid I will back out of the engagement even though I said yes, because I told him the ring does not mean I will accept behavior I dont aprove of just because he is going ot marry me.