Confused_kelly
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Everything posted by Confused_kelly
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I dont understand something, she asks him to spend the night? for what? The only good thing about my situation is she will have the baby far away so he wont se the baby until maybe its 5 months or 6 when she comes for a visit, so that whole first weeks preparation thing and shopping is not opgin to be there, as to when she is here, I talked to my bf about it, I have expressed that I dont have a problem with him seeing the baby, if she needs anything, by all means get it for her I wont mind what Im not going to tolerate is them going out together and he fully understands. I dont know if I should worry or what but he doesnt seem to really be excited or anything about the situation, his family doesnt even know about the pregnancy and he talks with her like once a month and she is the one that calls, so I dont know what to make of that. Maybe once he sees the baby hell change, but I hope he wont jeopardize the relationship. What do you mean when you say he has not been so friendly?
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Wondering if there were any updates with the girls that are in the same situation
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Well like you said, I did ask, We were like that too ,. We have known each other for 9 years, we were together 5, and we had sex everytime we saw each other which was almost everyday. We broke up, spetn 4 years apart and just recently got back together because we both realized we were stillvery much in love Now the problem apparently comes from his work and in turn lifestyle now. I dont work, Im a student so I have a lot of free time. He lives and hour apart and he still pretty much sees me everyday, but I guess I have to understand that work and driving must be tiring for him. I mean its amazing to see this man fall asleep. He literally puts his head down and in 30 seconds more or less you start to notice the dep breathing associated with sleeping. on top he can sleep 10 to 13 hours straight just because. Me on the other hand dont like to sleep very much, 6 hours is normal for me and I take a long time to fll asleep. I guess what Im trying to say is not everyone is the same, and we change acording to our lifestly and maybe even because of age. We started dating when I was 13 (we didnt have sex until I was 15) but still he is 4 years older. Im 22 now, he is 25 goin ginto 26 soon, and with job driving, and responsabilities(he niow lives alone and has bills , something he didnt when we first started0 Still I want to know, when do you find the time to be at it 10 times or more a week?? I mean Iknow I could, but with his work and everything I dont think we would have time.
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We dont live together , but I think I was talking too son about yesterday. He did fell asleep but when he delivered, very nicely I might add, still that makes it 3 times this week, still not enough for me.
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The times I mention it unfortunately Ive done it just after it happened, and I can see how that is not the best time to do so. I know I feel unhappy unatractive, but its not like he does it on purpose. The times we have talked about it he has reassured me how much he likes and desires me, but that I have to understand that there are times he just doesnt feel up to it and it has nothing to do with me. he expressed how he felt pressured when I continue to persuade him after he says no, he even told me once like he felt I center our relationship on sex and nothing more. I know I have a lot to improve, not change , but improve. I have to stop acting childish about it and stop making the connection of not wanting sex with not wanting me. I just dont know how to do it. About me pleasing him, believe me thats part of my pleasure too, I am really open to sex, he is a bit more reserved, wont even kiss me in front of family. I live to please him , it really make sme happy and he does this as well when he does want to have sex. When I said I wanted to punch him I certainly didnt mean it, it wasnt meant to sound serious it was more of an exageration, but I can see how I need to control myself because I do get mad. Just dont know how to do it, how to stop linking love with sex. Its like I associate my self worth with wether or not he'll have sex with me
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But isnt that a bit of a shallow reason? I mean its not like the man is impotent. I just dont know how and when to approach him about it so he doesnt feel like Im attacking him
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But what can I do with myself? I mean I really get mad and feel horrible when he does that. Ive tried being the one that says no I cant do it, Im saying yes faster than anything. I feel like I bore him, I know this may not be the case, but like I said is how it feels.
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So what to do then? I mean do I have to compromise my needs for him? why cant he meet me halfway? I know I can get really when I dont get what I want, but he doesnt understand how frutrating this is. Thats why I get somad when people say men are more sexual than woman, thats really not the case, it depends on each person. Have you talked with your boyfriend about it or have you just adjusted?
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No I wouldnt feel better. In fact thats exactly what he did, he cuddled next to me to fall asleep, most people would say oh thats sweet, well thats not what I want, cuddles does not equal sex. I swear to God it makes me want to punch him. It just makes me feel unwanted. Like I said I've tried talking about it but I dont know if is the moments I choose or my attitude but he always feel spressured when I do talk about it and that makes it worse. I know he works a lot, his schedule is different from most people. He starts work at 4 am , so he has to wake up at 2:30 am , and he works until 12 afternoon. Im a student so yeah schedules are different, I know he is tired at times when Im not. Ive heard sex diminishes once you get married, dont know if its the case for everyone, but my god do you imagine then? what am I going to do if thats the case? I dont even want to imagine the problems we could have.
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My concern is , I want sex much more often than he does, I know he is not cheating, I trust him. But he kind of goes into seasons. We used to have sex everytime we saw each other, then ot slowed down then picked uo, then about once a week I feel like Im always initiating things and I really feel awful when he "rejects"me. Right now, he is at my house, I tried to start something and he told me, we had sex yesterday, Im like what???? he is in my bed sleeping, I feel really frustrated Ive tried talking about it I dont know if its my aproach but it alway ends up with him telling me Im pressuring him. Its like oh we had sex yesterday why do it today? I mean to me it sounded like its work to him. Maybe Im the one with the problem, Im never too tired, too distracted etc. Im always up for it. I know love is much more than that but for some reason I feel unloved by him when he declines my advances. Im worried because we are supposed to get married in a year but I dont want to be in a marriage where sex is going to be a problem. I forgot to mention right now we are at maybe twice a week.
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I dont know if this is the place to post this, but what would you say its an acceptable amount of sex for people who are in a arelationship bf/gf and are not married. I know everyone is different and circumstances play a big role in this. But how little can mean problems?
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Good or bad idea to send him an email?
Confused_kelly replied to whatsagirltodo's topic in Relationship Advice
I have to agree with everyone, I know it feels tempting right now and that no harm can come with it, but you should wait, you'll be doing both of you favor -
What I think suck the most is that somedays like I mentioned I feel like I can deal with this, but it takes just a little something to make me crumble again. I dont want to be the crazy gf who is always crying and doesnt understand, Im making her seem like the sane one with this. I dont want to drive my bf away with it, like I said she is playing her cards very well right now, staying calm and choosing what she talks about. When my dad married my mom he already had 2 previous marriages and 2 daughters, he divorced my mom too because he cheated, even though thats all in the past now, you can see why Im a bit hesitant about this. All my life I wanted to avoid a similar situation for me.
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There's still the issue that she wants himback. Im pretty sure she is playing her cards very well. She is not mentioning anything about that to him now, so he'll think she is being mature about it. I know in her mind, she is sure he will get back with her as soon as the baby is born, that is the reason she is having this baby, that I know because she told me. For me thats a horrible reason to have a baby, babies dont retain people, I know, I come from divorced parents. As soon as she goves birth the hinting will start and when she comes to visit from the US, god that is going to be a tough one. I think I mentioned it but I told my bf I didnt want her to know we were getting married, its only going to make her work harder at this. I mean how low can you go to get someone back? Someone who was living with you, who decided that me, an ex, who doesnt work and who is not going to go live with him and cater to his every need(she was very very pathetic, in the way she would leave or do anything for him, she was never her own person), me an ex who is opinionated, educated I stand for my points of view and I dont succumb to all that macho stuff. He asks her to move out, she besg him, ok, I guess we can say he cheated on her with me, she even offers to work 2 jobs so they can have a better life if he stayed with her, and still he wants to be with me, and she still cant process it. It doesnt enter her mind, she is determined and she is very sure she will get him back once he sees his baby. To tell you the truth I am a bit afraid of that. I dont know how he will respond to that, I dont want to make wedding plans to watch them crumble.
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Wow, Im going to sound really dumb, but you actually made me cry, there is so much truth in what you say, and I may have not been able to see it before, but thats why Im crying, Its incredible how someone who doesnt know me can hit the nail on the head so accurately, as to make sense of what Im going through. Right now I just want to say thank you for your post, its making me see this in another way. Ill share more later Im just a little bit shocked and processing here.
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There are days when I feel like I can deal with this, some days I just dont feel like that and I get into a depression of some sort. I was doing incredibly ok, until yesterday. We went to his mother's house to eat, and she is very nice, and doesmnt have a problem with me, but once during the whole night she called me the ex's name. It was from afar , my bf didnt hear her, I pretended not to, but his brother heard it and he tried to make noises so I couldnt hear it, he was very concerned, he is very fond of me as the rest of his family, but even though I know it was not intentional it hurt like hell. Then to top it all, a friend came by with his twin kids. My babies were twins, I just felt my heart go to feet. It gets worse, his brother and the friend then began to nag him about when were we going to have one finally. I know they dont know about the ex being pregnant, so you can imagine how I felt having lost my babies, her pregnant with his first born and they asking that question after his mom called me by his ex's name. This christmas sucks, I feel horrible, I juts dont think I can deal with this. Is this normal? feeling one day like you can do it and then not so much? will it go away? can I ever be ok with this? how? I have a lot of questions in me, and I know he is going out of his way to make it easy for me. I know he fears that Im going to leave, he said to me that;s his biggest fear. But I just dont know. Im thatgirl, if you think you dont want to, I guess its better that way. If I wasnt so involvced emtionally god knows I would get out, find someone without all the excess baggage, but I have way too muc invested in this. I think I would suffer more without him. scared12, Thank you, like I said always helpful when you have someone with a similar situation, talking about it really helps. Please keep me updated both of you, I will do the same. Hope everyhting goes smooth , wish you both the best,
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You are more than welcone and I should be the one giving thanks. I think talking with people who know the situation is very helpful. I can say it has helped me a lot. I hope you continue to update me on how you feel or what happens. I think we can both learn a lot from this.
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Yes, I can imagine, one can feel a bit like piece that doesnt belong in the puzzle, but Im sure it will pass, like everything with time. Im doing better, I told my boyfriend I decided that it would be best if he doesnt tell her about the engagement for now. I think she still has 2 or 3 months to go, so better leaver her alone with that she must have enough stress as it is. They dont talk often, I think once a week sometimes once very two weeks. Im still anxious and insecure. If I lose him, it 's not the same, not saying you wouldnt be hurting if it happneed to you, I just mean that I really feel this is the love of my life. It would be devastating. Nine years fighting to just end its not easy. I found the courage to talk to him about it and tell him that he doesnt have to hide things from me anymore because he thinks I will get mad. He is trying , but I still feel he lefts some stuff out to be considerate of the fact he knows I cringe everytime I hear about it, but I mean I have to adapt somehow. I just wish we could get to a point where he is comfortable enough and me too of course to talk about it without the weird feeling Its even awkward for us to be watching television and a pregnancy test commercial shows up, or a program about babies, or giving birth, really uncomfortable because he knows I feel bad. I know he thinks he is doing good by not talking to me about it, but I dont think its the best way. I wont say anymore until after new years because I want to try to be happy at lest whats left of the year. I dont think you have much to worry about., you seem to be in the right place mentally and emotionally, where I hope to be . Him staying with you says a lot. He doesnt want you to feel like he is going to forget about you, so I think thats sweet. Hope everything goes great and please keep me updated as I know this will help me and other people going through this.
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I know you boyfriend's baby was due I think today or close? Just wanted to know how was everything and how are you doing with it
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Personally I get by sometimes thinking, hey you know what this happens everyday. I dont believe in people being together as a couple just for children. Childre grow up and go away leaving you in an unhappy relationship. I know he doesnt love her, but he doesnt hate her either. But she really does hate me. I guess I just have to wait and see, I thought planning the wedding might get things off my mind, but Im so paranoid, that I thought, well what if I plan the wedding and then it doesnt happen. Its going to be worse, I think I need professional help for this. At least now can sleep through the night almost all night, there are still the occasions where I cant. I dont think you should have stepped out completely, if he wants you by his side , why should you? He can be a father an a boyfriend, thats what I have to say to myself too I guess. Mine wont be there when she gives birth,like I said she is in another country. But she will come here eventually to stay with family in what I hope is just a vacation to visit. If she were to decide to movehere again I dont know what I would do. Let me know how things work out when he has his baby.
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Well I admire you, I really do, I dont see myself getting to that point, meaning being ok with the fact thing wont work out. I love him so much, we've known each other for 9 years, 5 of those as a couple. He wants to get married in december next year but I fear he will back out. Im full of fears, did you do something? said something to yourself to get where you are at this moment?
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Dont worry , you didnt come off as insensitive. I understand what I must do, but emotions dont get logic, I dont think he has feelings for her, but like you sadi I fear of what he might feel once he sees his baby. Im scared for when the times comes for me to see him or her, I dotn know what it is I cant bear to ask, because I fear its exactly what I didnt want it to be. I was hoping it would be a boy ( I always wanted girls and my bf too), so it would be a bit easier because I would feel hey, we still can have the girl we wanted, but something tells me its a girl, so it just keeps getting worse. His ex knows about me, obviuolsy because I was an ex of him, and I do try to put myself in her position, but easier said than done. Sorry if this question seems to personal, Ill understand if you dont want to answer, but why doesnt she know about you?
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I'm that girl, I agree with you. We have been through so much to be together and its just so hard. She wants him back, she is even telling him she wants him in the life of the baby but she doesnt want him to pay child support, and Im really sure she will be singing another tune when she finds out we are getting married. At some levels Im still insecure, I mean she is going to make him feel guilty about the baby, and my bf is a really nice guy who hates to hurt people's feelings and Im afraid she will manipulate him, even though eh as assured me there is nothing to worry about. It's like I said, I found out I was pregnant and I prepared myself to see him as a father for the first time, then I find out about her and two weeks later a miscarriage, now I will still see him as a father, but with another woman's baby, is the reminder of what I was going to have. I dont know if you understand I just dont feel special to him now. I want him in the baby's life, no doubt about it, but I dont want it to be about her. She moved to the US, but something tells me she may think about moving back here. I need totalk about this like Im doing to get it out, because I still havent told family or friends I feel really alone in this. I cant talk about it with my bf because I bawl like a baby. I know I have to accept it I just dont know how to go about that
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I dont think not talking to him for a week its going to make you lose him, as a prospective bf or even a friend. I know it may seem like that, but relax, he's not going to go off and get married in a week, and if he does, then that was not the guy for you. Forget about him and what he may or may not be doing. This is out of your control, you can only control yourself, so make that your priority, get better, think clearly and try to be as ocuppied as you can to get your mind off calling him.
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When my boyfriend and I broke up the first time I was just like you, I seemed a bit psycho, but those were not my intentions. He actually pulled back because of that. I got some pride and started to think about me, and we are together now. Now Im not saying if you do that you are going to get him back. What I want you to get from this is, do whats best for you and it will end positively no matter what. If he doesnt come back at least you have your dignity left and a path to emotional recovery. If you push too much too fast, even if he wanted to talk to you he is going to feel pressured. So please, dont text him, or call him at least fro a week, let things cool, off, hey I know the advice sucks, I know how you feel believe me, I suffer from anxiety but its the only thing that helped me. In a week of no type of contact, try calling him, dont text, I know it may seem easier but just call with no expectations or interrogations. If you feel anxious during the week, come here, Im off from college so I should be around for awhile and you can vent and talk about it
