sunshine13

Sorry for anyone who reads this. It is a long story. I am 29 years old and have a few best friends. We have all been best friends since we were 13-15 years old. Obviously been through hell and back. Although we are all different I love them all the same. Now. . .the problem. My friend Shannon was with her boyfriend for 7 years and just got married about a year and 1/2 ago. After the wedding was over I did not hear from her for almost a year. When I did finally see her she told me that she was going through a divorce and introduced me to her new b/f. I was extremely shocked b/c I always thought of those 2 as a "perfect couple" - if there is such a thing. Anyway. . . Her and I started to become very close friends again and it has been hell for me. Everytime we have gone out (about 10-15 times) Her and her new boyfriend get into a pretty serious fight. The fights get to the point where he leaves us places or we are forced to go home early. This man is extremely controlling of Shannon. I will give some examples of some of their fights 1)her shirt was too tight 2)she was laughing with her friends more than she laughs with him 3)she wasn't sitting next to him and holding his hand in the bar 4)she wanted to go shopping with her mom and he stated that they do NOT go anywhere without each other. . he says its called "being a couple". In the mean time. . my friend is not divorced. Her new boyfriend hates all of her friends and tries to make her see bad things in all of us. . she has told me this. She goes through little breakdowns where she cries for days and calls me 100 times a day. Then she will invite her husband to come home and tells him that she wants to work on the marriage but a day or two later she goes back to the boyfriend. Everybody tries to talk to her and make her understand what is going on here. She is hurting people and destroying herself and still has not had time to deal with her divorce. Her family is distraught over this. All of our other friends have chosen not to deal or speak with her anymore over this. I am a good friend. I am not going to leave my friend when she is in need, HOWEVER, this has gotten me to the point where it is affecting my life pretty badly. My boyfriend and I cannot hang out with them b/c they ruin our time. I spend countless hours with her and on the phone with her all day while I am at work but only when they are fighting and she tells me the HORRIBLE HORRIBLE way he treats her. Then the next day she will make every excuse in the book for his actions and ask me to forgive him and I don't hear from her for days after they make up. She doesn't even return my calls/texts when things are going good. I have tried to understand and tried to be honest with her and talk to her about everything. She just doesn't get it. I am about to leave this friendship but I need some advice on the proper steps to take. Thank you for listening. . any thoughts are apprecated!!

I am sorry that you are going through that as well. They days that hurt - REALLY hurt! Did you two try to remain friends after the break up and that is why there has only been NC for a month? I have not even had that opportunity. My ex of 4.5 years broke up with me over the phone and hasn't spoken to me since. I drove to his house one morning at 8:00 am to finally try to get some answers out of it but all I got was yelled at and told if I ever came over, called, texted or emailed him again that he would contact the police so other than that one time I don't even have the option to contact him. He has even stopped going out with our mutual friends when I am there b/c he doesn't want to see me. So I guess part of it is just being left hanging like that. Oh well. . . time heals all, right?

It has been slightly over four months since my break up. Probably on the top of the list of "worst break ups in history". The first two months were the hardest time I had ever gone through. Went through counseling, took up hobbies, went on dates. . . anything to get over it. . . Anyway. . for the past two months I have been fine. I think about him periodically when someone brings up his name or when something pops up but I do not have any emotional connection to the thoughts anymore. All of the sudden the past two days I can't stop thinking about him. Not just good things but the bad things. When I think about the things that he has done to me (specific situations) It literally pains my heart and I go through an "OMG - how could I let that happen to me" and it makes me cry. On another level. . . I will be in my car listening to the radio and I will think about good times and that also makes me cry. It has been non-stop for two days and no matter what I do to push the thoughts back out of my head I can't do it. I know that there are unresolved issues there and that could be the problem. However, there is NEVER going to be a conversation between us. After how I was treated during the break up I choose never to speak to him again (although wouldn't it be lovely if he tried and I got to deny him). . I just wouldn't even be able to find a word to say to him. Anwhoo. . .Is this something natural that happens out of the blue to just start feeling all of those emotions again after I finally got to a good place? And WHY???? Do they come back like that? And contrary to my friends thinking. . . I am not pms-ing!!!

I am very happily back into the dating scene after a 4 year horrible relationship. I have gone out on a couple of dates over the past 2 months but all b/c the guy has asked me out. There is a guy that just started working at my gym on Thursdays nights and I think he is really good looking and want to start talking to him but I have NO IDEA how. I have never really had to or wanted to strike up a conversation with a guy before out of no where. I am 29 years old and call all of my girlfriends and ask them how to approach it. I get ideas and then I go into the gym and freeze up. I say goodbye when I leave and that is about it. Saturday afternoon he was in there working out and it seemed like the perfect opportunity. It seemed like every machine I was working on he was right next to me. Instead of talking to him I either put on the game face or put my head down. I have already looked for the ring. . there isn't one there. So I need advice on how to strike up conversation with this guy without sounding like a complete idiot.

If that was me? I would. Then again. . . Maybe I am wrong. Everyone on this site feels like NC is the best answer. I would much rather tell someone how I feel so that I don't walk away and regret. It helps me to move on. Not sure if that is the right thing for you but before you bolt you at least owe yourself the chance to speak with him.

Exactly!!! It was very hard to hear it but I made a promise to myself this morning when I woke up that that was IT! I have no reason to even think about him ever again. 4.5 years later. . . I finally woke up!!

I agree. I was the same way with my recent ex for four years. Everytime we would see each other it seemed as if we were the only two people in the room. I would not listen to my friends or family or anyone else. I just couldn't NOT give in to the temptation. If you read my post from today about the best closure talk ever. . . that is how it ended. Do you really want that years down the road? Plus, as long as you are still feeling this way and being with him you are never going to find someone that you can truly love and have a real relationship with.

I don't believe in the NC thing anymore. I think that you should talk to him and tell him your feelings. If after that he doesn't want to stop what he is doing and have a relationship then take control of YOUR own life and stop sleeping with him. If you want to be friends then be friends but Know your limits. If you think by drinking with him that you will end up sleeping with him. . . don't drink with him. I don't think you should have to lose him as a friend. Be honest with him.

I will keep you updated. Right now. I don't care. I got what I needed. Why waste another breath, tear, or thought on someone who could treat another human being so terribly. LIVE AND LEARN!!!

VERY LONG. . . may be boring!! If anyone has read my previous posts you know that after a 4 year relationship my ex broke up with me in a fight over the phone. Swore at me and hung up and almost 2 months later he has never spoken to me again. I was having such a hard time b/c of the why, what happened, does he miss me questions. I no longer have those. I was out at a bar Saturday and ran into to some of his friends. His friends started texting him and sending him pictures of me and I got an email saying "Don't hang out with my friends". So I immediately calling him yelling b/c I had one too many cocktails. Little did I know he had me on speaker phone in front of a bunch of mutual friends. Yes. . I looked like a complete fool! So I woke up at 8 am yesterday and decided that I had enough!! I drove an hour and 1/2 to his house and let him have it. He was trying to play Mr. Nice guy and even tried to make some sexual advances to which I was not giving in. He pretty much told me that he didn't love me and hadn't in a long time. That I was the reason for the entire break up and blah blah blah. We talked for an hour and 1/2 and I left without really caring much. Yes, I shed a few tears but I walked out of their with my head held high. He tried to hug me when I left and I said "Don't touch me". . . and left with a smile that I finally got all of it off of my chest and heard the answers that I needed to here. He just doesn't care for me and never loved me. That was enough for me. About 2 hours later I got a phone call from him screaming at the top of his lungs that I was nothing but a psycho and if I ever called, emailed, text or stopped at his house again he would file harassment charges against me. Now mind you. . . I have let him get away with leaving me like this for long enough. I do not regret going over there b/c I needed it to heal. HE is the one that called me. . needless to say. . . I spent 45 minutes on the phone listening to him tell me that I was a psycho and all of his friends and family hate me. That nothing I ever did for him mattered to him b/c he didn't love me so why would he care. He said that he hates me and wouldn't want to speak to me if I was the last human on Earth. He said that I disgust him and that I need to find someone to marry so that I never think of him again and I can live happily ever after. He said he has been so happy ever since the day we broke up bc he does not have to deal with me ever again and he can finally be the person he wants to be such as making comments about other girls bodies. . b/c that is just the person he is. He told me that he has already slept with 2 people since we have been broken up and maybe that is what I need to do to get over him. He said for me to still have feelings for him 6 weeks after the break up is like fatal attraction. So. . . . needless to say. . . I GOT CLOSURE. I am done. I have never been hurt, used, crushed, or even talked to like that by anyone in my life. But I am soooo happy about it. It couldn't have been a better conversation. He made me realize what I would have been with had we stayed together. What have I been not eating or sleeping for. I am shedding tears, miserable and unable to move on with my life b/c of this???? It is almost funny to me. 4 and 1/2 years of my life. . . . This is the person who I would have died for if he needed it??? What a joke. I have my closure now. Don't need anymore. I finally got all of the answers I ever needed. It is done and I made a promise to myself to NEVER LOOK BACK. I sent an email to his sister this morning and all of our mutual friends telling them that I don't want anything to do with this situation again. They can have him as a friend. I decided as soon as I woke up this morning that this is MY LIFE and nobody is going to make me miserable like that again. I am re-taking control. There is no need for me to waste on more moment hanging on to someone like that!!!! Thank God for closure talks!!!!

Thank you. I am ready to close it. It is just so damn frustrating when you can't.

You are absolutely right. I guess it is just that after 4.5 years. . . I don't really know anything but either loving him or being devastated by him. It is NOT supposed to be like this. I just can't understand why he does it. I would love to have JUST ONE conversation with him explaining why he comes in and out of my life and what went wrong in the relationship this time to make him run again. We had future plans and supposed to be "in love" and for him to start off our conversation that night telling me that he is in love with me and is ready for me to move to the end of the conversation telling me that it is over and never hearing from him again just leaves me with an open wound that I can't seem to close.

Thank you and you are right. Every time hurts worse. The people around me think that it should be easier b/c it has been so many times. The problem is that he always comes back begging for me back (not me begging him) of course tells me all of the changes. I take him back and then 6 months later. . The K.O. Its over, move on with my life, he refuses to speak with me, acts as if I am the worst person in the world. Then 6 months later he comes back and b/c I am still trying to heal from the last break up. . . you are absolutely right. . . he is like a band-aid. It makes everything in life better b/c I got what I wanted. . . For 6 months and then does the same thing over and over. I know that this was the last time. . . maybe that is why it is hurting so bad too?!

Hey Richard. The weird thing is that it hasn't been this bad all along. I felt great for a week and suddenly on Saturday it hit me again like a ton of bricks. I didn't think that I would ever feel "devasted" again. I thought I was well beyond that point. truly doing ok. I am not sure what triggered it but it could have been the fact that I was on a trip with 4 other couples this weekend and I was the only single one. . . or this past weekend was the weekend that we were supposed to be moving in together.. . finally! I guess I am happy that I am feeling this hurt again b/c it is starting to make me angry. I am starting to get really mad that he put me through all of this so many times and that I am the one that is always sitting around crying and upset and I am exhausted of it. I am surprised that I even have tears left after how many times he has made me cry over the years. Hopefully in the next few days I will get angry enough to pick myself back up.

I can't open that.

Why does it have to be this hard? I just want to scream!! Not to mention that this is the - probably - 5th time I have had to get over the same guy. It is making me ill.

I am sick of feeling this way. 2 months!!! I am very tired of this roller coaster that I am going through. I am good for a week and then I feel like I got punched in the face. I thought today I would take control of my thoughts and today was going to be a better day. . . on my way to work I ended up in tears. . . probably b/c I am fighting it so hard. I am missing my ex terribly today and all I want is for him to come back to me. I know this is not an option as I haven't heard from him since the day we broke up. I am having a very hard time accepting that it is really over. I did it last week. . . but can't do it this week!! For the first time since our break up all I can think about is how much I miss cuddling with him and jogging on the beach with him. The way we used to laugh and goof around with each other. And now he is going to find someone else and that is going to be HER life. . . not MINE. I don't know how to get through this. I think today is the worst I have been since day one of the break up. When does this end???

I am feeling the exact same way as you are feeling today. This was all triggered when I went away with a bunch of couples this weekend. For the past few days I have not been able to sleep again and crying in the morning. I can only seem to think of how I am 29. I don't want to go back into the dating scene. I thought he was IT. . the ONE. I never thought I would be in this lonely place again. I have been having dreams about him and thinking why? Why does he hate me so bad that he cannot even have one conversation with me. We were supposed to be moving in together this past weekend. That is hitting me too. How can some people just go on with their lives and Not want to make it work and not care if they hurt. I would think on some level if they are human that they would have to miss us at some point. Maybe they are just stronger willed than we are. I keep hearing that time heals all wounds and to just stay strong. If you do not contact her right now that feeling will probably subside and you will start feeling a little better. You are going to have up days and down days. FIGHT IT! Be strong. I was actually an idiot yesterday and sent a mass text to everyone on my list and said "Happy Halloween!!". . . I forgot he was still in my phone book b/c I have him listed as something inappropriate to write here so that I remind myself not to call him. How ridiculous is it that I had to send another text apologizing to him for saying Happy Halloween b/c I forgot he was still in my phone book. . . . Otherwise I will be a "psycho in his eyes". . . What a crappy day. . . Tomorrow has to be better for both of us!!! Keep your head up. . .

Funny that you say that. I hear that from people all of the time that I need new friends!! Yeah. . they are like that. It sucks and it hurts. I work downtown. . . and live in a suburb of downtown. I guess there are things I can do other than going to the bars. I just don't have a lot of time on my hands to go out and do those things. I work late almost every night. I could do that on the weekends but I really wouldn't even know where to start. I don't have many interests. I play in a co-ed flag football league on Saturdays and I go to the gym during the week. I LOVE crowds! I love noise and people around me.

AGGHHHHH!!! Sorry. I had to scream. I know it takes time. I just don't want to spend any more time on this. I really don't. I don't want to even think about him!!! I want to be over it. . . and happy. I would like to be able to take my cell phone to the bar. I still do the other things. I go to the gym, I go to borders and have coffee and read magazines. I go out to lunch with co-workers downtown every day. Parks are kind of out of the question right now b/c it is about 35 degrees outside. I have done everything "by the books" from day one of the break up . . . other than the fact that I emailed him once a week for the first couple weeks until I realized that was useless. Really. . to be able to wake up and have one full day of not thinking about him and going out and having fun without thinking who he is dating now or if he misses me. . . I would be the happiest person in the world. It has been long enough. I want to move on and be done with this.

I am soooooo sorry!!!!! I didn't mean to make you feel bad!!!! I will be looking forward to it. (here i go again with the high expectations). It is the perfect day to ***start all over*** and move on. I will probably be going out with all of my friends and their husbands, fiances and boyfriends if you want to join us.

I guess I am just frustrated with it. I am very eager to go out and have fun and meet new people b/c I don't want to be sad or angry anymore. I am trying to push my way through this. I have had no contact for 12 days but we have been broken up for a month and 1/2!!! I just don't want to think about it anymore!!!! I want to have some fun!!! I have tried to talk to my girlfriends about it and I get the same excuses every time. I have wedding this or that. Me and so and so have dinner with his parents. We are going on a "date" night. My girlfriends do not do ANYTHING without their significant others. I would like to think that my brain just isn't adjusted. That would be a very good excuse for feeling like this so long after the break up. But I was not with my ex all of the time. We lived 2 hours away from each other. I saw him usually Friday to Monday. But during the week we were apart. He broke up with me every 6 months for 4 years. . . . I SHOULD be adjusting very well. Vynde. . . . I will let you know when I come to NY. I have actually never been there. Maybe for New Years! I will not want to be stuck here.

Joewho, Thank you for the encouragement. I don't even like hanging out with them anymore. It is not only depressing b/c they have someone but it is frustrating and annoying that my girlfriends cannot even go to the bathroom without their significant other walking them there. I didn't have that type of relationship with my ex so I don't even understand that. We didn't sit around in groups of people and cuddle with each other. I have the similar situation where some of my girlfriends could not keep a boyfriend if they tried. They would go through men all of the time and now they have found the "one". . . it is hard.

Thanks John. No. . . It hasn't been a real long time since we broke up. We were together on and off for 4 years and we have been broken up for about a month and 1/2. I have no reason not to keep the NC thing going. He has refused to speak to me since the night we broke up. There is no use for me to bother him anymore. So what do we do since everyone around us is in a relationship? It is not fun to hang around with them anymore? Of course I don't want to lose my girlfriends. Maybe it is selfish of me to want them to take time away from their own relationships and do things with me. . I don't want a pity party. I just want to have someone to hang out with who isn't "making out" with their boyfriend and telling him how much he loves him right in front of me - at the bar -. I also don't want to sit at home on the weekends.

I am just feeling the need to vent today. I have not spoken to the ex since we broke up. All of my attemps failed miserably so I just gave up and have not contacted him in 12 days. I have been going to the gym and hanging out with my friends. Going away on weekends. . . . I am not sure if I am setting my expectations of feeling better and meeting someone new WAY to high or things just aren't as fun as they used to be. I went to the Ohio State game which should have been a blast. #1 ranked college team in the Nation. . . and I am miserable???!!!!! I went away for the weekend with a bunch of friends to party for Halloween weekend. . . I didn't realize until I got there that all of my friends are a couple. They cuddled and bickered all weekend. Everyone had someone but me. I am not sure why my friends even invited me but this should have been a lot of fun as well. Usually hanging out with other couples don't bother me and I can have a good time. This was terrible!! I walked around the bars by myself for most of the time depressed and miserable!!! This was a Halloween party. . everyone is smiling and dressed up and having fun and I am in tears missing my ex. Thank God I did not carry my phone with me I am sure I would have done something really dumb!!!! It just seems as if nothing I do is fun anymore. I don't know if it is b/c I miss my ex so much. . . if I miss being in a relationship. . . the fact that all of my friends are in serious relationships. . . Am I too old to hang out in a bar? I can't figure it out. All I was thinking this weekend is how I wished that I was with him and just renting a movie or relaxing. I can't sit home and do that by myself b/c I can't be in the house all miserable. I don't want to go out with my friends anymore b/c they are all happy and don't leave their significant others sides. It makes me miserable!!!! I don't have one single friend who can just go out to a movie or a few drinks and have fun. I am starting to get real depressed from it. Any suggestions?