i have been meeting with a therapist and we have talked about this. but my therapist is going on vacation so i'm scared what's going to happen when she's gone.
i am afraid to crash again.
oh yeah, i just called up my supervisor to apologize and i feel really bad (but i need to stop destroying myself and sabotaging myself.) and she doesn't know about this depression part.
my therapist says it's on purpose like after i do well for awhile i have this inner wish to hurt myself. there will be things that i know i need to stop but i CANT seem to get a grip on myself and keep repeating them until i get into serious trouble.
i know i am seriously distressed but jesus what is preventing me from helping myself and stopping?
i know im pretty selfdestructive and i ruin a lot of things and i can't stop. what is wrong with me??
i don't cope with drugs, alcohol, or anything so this is how it seems to come out. for example, if a problem was a hot stove......and i got burned once? instead of touching it once and letting it go.....i would probably go back and poke and prod at it and keep touching it until i got burned very seriously and very badly until i let go (in an effort to heal and to calm my anxiety).
i feel like such a nut. except i know im sane. i can't decide which is worse.....feeling crazy and knowing ur not or being crazy and totally not knowing.