blindreepr

only send a letter if you are prepared for the fact that you may very well not get a reply back.

before i told my ex I wanted NC I had her blocked on AIM. One day I decided to unblock her, but not add her to my buddylist. Within a minute of unblocking her she IMed me, lol. A week later I told her not to contact me anymore until I was ready. I haven't blocked her and I know that she hasn't taken me off her buddylist, so hopefully she respects my wishes.

When I started NC, I told her that I still wanted to be friends later on, that I was just doing NC to gain more independence. She had been the one initiating contact for the last two weeks prior to me doing NC. I finally accepted her as a friend on myspace when I started NC cause she had been trying to get me to add her for 2 weeks, and I unblocked her on AIM, though I do not have her SN on my AIM buddy list, so she can still IM me, I just cant see when she is on. Every now and then I do get the curious and wonder if she is online, but lately I have been getting curious less and less, and this still gives her the ability to contact me if she needs to or if she wants to get back together. In fact, seeing me posting bullitens and seeing my IM name online, but her knowing that I dont want to talk to her right now, probably makes it harder on her than it is on me.

you're right, and i think by the time NC has worked its magic with me, I wont even want to make contact with her, or even think about getting back with her for that matter

its been 3 days of NC so far and I feel like she is just going to forget me or hate me for doing NC. I know neither of these makes much sense, since she was the one initiating all contact the 2 weeks before NC. I am trying to move on and heal, trying not to plan when to break NC is hard, but slowly I am realizing if I keep on thinking about when I am going to break NC and how I am going to do it, I am never going to concentrate on myself and that is what I NEED to be doing.

since being dumped i lost about 20 lbs. the first 10 was from depression, the last 10 was from excersize and diet. im still going to the gym everyday and i look better than i have my entire life, its great

Lol, good point. I was talking about the dumper wanting the dumpee back though, so usually it would be the "amp or car" that would have been kicked to the curb, had its heart stomped and made it hate itself. But still, good point.

Does becoming more physically and mentally attractive help in getting back your ex? I've read a couple e-books, and many posts here, and they all advocate improving yourself, focusing on yourself, and some even working out. Buying new clothes etc. Is it in human nature to try and get something back once you see that it in a new light, or see that it has the capability to be better than you thought? Example: One of my first guitar amps was the Randall RG100ES, I liked it at the time, but it wasnt good enough for me. Now I go back and read guitar forums talking about how its one of the best solid state amps ever, and it makes me want to go back and buy one all over again, even though I wasnt happy with it at the time. or My dad had a 1965 Mustang back in the day, wasn't happy with it, sold it for a motorcycle. Fast forward 30 years later, still regrets that decision and ends up getting a revamped, completely rebuilt 65 mustang. If you were to see your ex, and they looked 10x better than they did when you were going out, seemed to be much more confident and interesting, would it peak your interest? This is ofcourse if you were single at the time. Is this human nature to want something that we once had and gave up, but saw improvement and now want to try again?

I know that NC is to improve myself, to make myself strong, a better person and what not, but I can't help but get listen to that little tiny voice in my head that keeps telling me that I am doing this to get her back. I wish I could shut it up, I really do, but its hard. I have been improving myself, even before I went NC, my ex had started to take notice of it. She was impressed. The reason I went NC was because even though things seemed to be getting better between us, and she seemed to be missing me, I was completely focused on her. I was improving myself at the same time, but I couldnt stop thinking about her, waiting for her call, etc. Even though I let her initiate all the contact, I was still hung up on her. I know I will become a better person through NC, I just wish I could shut up that tiny voice in my head that wants me to do this to get her back.

I'm definitely scattered right now. Which is the best reason for me to stick with NC. I need to find out what I want, what I need, etc. I need to continue working on myself, and until I am happy with where I am at, until I can do the things I enjoy without wishing she was there enjoying them with me, I need to stick with NC

I know exactly what you mean. I just started NC a couple days ago, we ended on a very good note though. She has been left with nothing but positive images and memories of me, so I hope that helps somewhat. I told her that I needed NC, to gain some of my independence back, and that when I am ready we could maybe be friends again. Who knows when that will be though. I am planning on doing NC as long as it takes, but eventually I will have to see her again. She works at the closest grocery store to my house, and I HATE driving out of the way just to avoid her. I can imagine doing it for a couple months, but after that I may need to just buck up and deal with the fact that I may run into her. Hopefully when that time comes I will be stronger mentally and much better looking physically, I have been to the gym about 5-6 times a week, and eating waaaay better than I used to. I think looking better will definitely give me the confidence to realize that I dont need her to be happy or any other girl for that matter. If she does come back before I am ready, I still dont know what I would do. I feel like because of my actions in the past, she is owed a second chance because of the chance she gave me to right my wrongs. But I don't want to take a chance at having my heart broken again. As angry and bitter as I get sometimes, I still love her with all my heart and want nothing but the best for her. I'd probably take her back but I would insist on relationship counselling and other things to hopefully prevent another fallout of the relationship

Maybe I want her behavior to be about me and not her so that I can take the blame? Or maybe I dont want to believe that this is who she really is? I dont like what she has become, I wont argue that. Would I be willing to forgive her if she came back? Yes, she forgave me for stuff I did that there is no way she should have forgiven me for it. She deserves the same treatment she gave me. If she returned the last thing I would do is laugh and send her away. If she had the courage to return and say she made a mistake I would probably take her back in an instant. We would definitely need to sit down and have a serious discussion, not one of putting her down or demeaning her, but one of deciding what we need to do to fix us so that this never happened again. That is what I am trying to do right now. I have been working out, buying new clothes, trying to expand my horizons and meet new people. Heck I even got my first tattoo the other day. I am doing things that I wouldnt of normally done when I was comfortable and in a relationship. I am trying to expand my comfort zone and create a better me in the process. I'm doing my best, its only been 6 weeks, there are people here who were still begging for their ex's back 6 weeks from the break up, I stopped that after 1 week. I think I am doing ok atleast.

you're right. my main concern should be on improving myself and sticking to NC. thinking over and over and over about what went wrong, and whats going on is going to get me no where. NC is the only way I will improve myself, heal and move on. Even if I figure everything out, it wont change the fact that we are broken up and it wont change her behavior.

I just wish her rebellion wasnt such risk taking behavior, I'd hate to see her get hurt or worse. But there's nothing I can do to change it, the more I would push against what she is doing now, the more she would want to do it. It's almost like a little kid that wants to touch the stove, sometimes you have to let them touch it before they learn it will hurt them. I wish it didnt have to be that way though.

I wish I knew. It's almost like she is doing everything that she knows that I would look down on, like she is trying to push me away. I know that she told me that sometimes she looked at me as a father figure sometimes, maybe this is her way of "rebelling" against me? But truly, I have NO IDEA why they do that. It's any easy way to kill the pain of a breakup I guess, but you can only do it for so long before it comes back to bite you in the butt.

I was looking back at some of the past letters that my ex sent me the first week of our break up and came accross this.... "Ok. If you don't think I miss you, youre wrong. Im miss you terribly. The decision I made to break up with you wasn't easy for me. As much as I love you, I had to do it. For me. I am so proud of you for how far you have come with being more of a postitive person. But, as far as you have come, it is not enough for me. You are a wonderful, smart, hard-working person. Even though you have been working so very hard to change, I still feel unhappy.....I feel like I've lost myself. I havent played the piano or sang in such a long time. I used to do that all the time. I guess I am just saying that our lives are not really mixing too well. I think that I need to regain all the confidence that I have lost or never even had so im less dependant. And that you need to learn to appreciate more things around you and to show it. I don't think that either of us are fit for a relationship right now. I want to you to heal. I want you to get over me and grow. I dont want to drag you around getting your hopes up. I'm not sure where things are really going in my life. with love and hope, xxxx" Now instead of trying to over analyze the situation like I have been, maybe this really WAS the reason for the breakup. Sure there was another guy in background, and lots of stress from our crappy roommates, and a whole multitude of other reasons, but maybe this is the real reason for the breakup. Why didn't I accept this when she gave it to me? Instead of thinking that she broke up with me to do all the things she is doing right now, drinking, smoking cigs and weed, casual sex, friends with benefits, parties, etc. Maybe she didnt break up with me to do all that, but is doing that as an escape because of the pain of breaking up with me. Either way it only goes to reinforce my choice of sticking to NC. That way she will have to confront her decision sooner or later. But does this make sense to anyone else? Or am I just over analyzing the situation even more than I was in the beginning?

well, alot of her actions lately bring the dissing on herself. She broke up with me so that she could party with and screw anyone she wants to. She thinks she has self confidence but its only coming from her feeling good about guys wanting to sleep with her or make out with her. If she continues down that road she will have a very hard life.

Emotion: Since I told her to not contact me unless it was very important she will move on with her life and forget about me completely Fact: Yeah right, when I was doing LC SHE was the one calling me, contacting me. She missed me even when we were still talking, now that I have told her I dont want her in my life right now, she will want it even more. Even so, if she does move on its for the better for the both of us. Emotion: Her and the new guy will end up going out and she will forget about me completely Fact: Even if this happens she will get bored of him, she told me she is already starting to get bored of him. Plus their relationship started out as friends with benefits, a very weak foundation for a relationship. His personality and looks cant compare with me at all. If they do being together it will be her that is missing out, not me. Emotion: I want her back so bad. I will never find anyone like her ever again. She was one of a kind. Fact: A couple months before she broke up with me I was contemplating breaking up with her, the only reason I didn't was because I didn't was because the lease wasnt up for another couple of months and I didnt want to deal with all the crap it would cause. In my first relationship I thought I would never find someone like the girlfriend I had then, only to find out that I found someone even better. There are tons of people out there and eventually I will find someone who is even better than latest ex. Emotion: She is having way too much fun right now to think of me, to want to be with me, etc. Fact: She may be having fun right now. Drinking, casual sex, all that jazz. It will only come back to bite her in the * * *. She will do things she will eventually regret. People do that stuff in phases for a reason, because it is only fun for a phase until they realize it is only bringing them down. Even so, she wont stop thinking of me, because she couldnt stop missing me while I was doing LC, and now that NC is going she will REALLY realize what she is missing. Emotion: I am doing NC to get her back. Fact: I dont want HER back, I want what we had together back. I am doing NC to get myself together. To help myself heal. To get myself back. Emotion: She doesn't want me, no one wants me. Fact: How can she not want me? Sure the attraction was lost at the end of the relationship, but LOVE cannot be based on completely on attraction. Love is a choice. I am one of the most interesting people I know. I have been working on working out, and eating right. I am getting better looking by the minute, a new hair cut, new clothes, new tattoo and starting to get a six pack. She may be having fun with her new friends at the moment, but drinking and casual sex will only be fun for so long, before she realizes what she gave up. And when that time comes it will be too late. Anyone who gets me will be lucky to have me. I am a good guy, one who is willing to change himself for the better, and actually has the disciple and determination to do it. Emotion: She is bettering herself without me, she is better of without me. Fact: Sure, she is talking about working out, losing weight, going to school. But didnt she talk about that for 2 years while we were going out? YES. She always talked and planned about doing things to better herself, but she never had the follow through, and there is no reason to believe that she will follow through now. She bought books, made workout plans, set small goals, but never reached any of her goals. She is in huge debt, has a crappy job that cant pay off her debt anytime soon, is overweight. She was beneath me in so many ways. She says she is trying to get out of all of that, but she isnt really. She has a crappy workout plan that isnt going to work, not just because she wont follow it, but because the plan just plain isnt a good one. She isnt eating correctly, and she is drinking way too much for any workout plan to do any good. Emotion: I will be alone for a along time. Fact: That depends on me. Right now I am making the decision to be alone. To work on myself, to make myself a better person. When I want to be with someone it wont be that hard to find someone. I am good looking, funny, I play the guitar and the drums, I am interesting, I am different than most other guys, I have goals and reach them whenever I put my mind to it. Any girl would be lucky to have me.

she just replied to my closure letter saying " Ok. I understand. Best Of luck. I mean it. Be the best. love, Boof" (boof was my pet name for her) I couldnt help but reply thanking her for understanding and that we will talk soon because once I set my mind to something that I usually get it done quick and I added that I cant wait for her to meet the new and improved me. NC officially starts now

I cant and wont break NC, the only thing that will come from it is hurt and a friendship that I dont want. I just hate having all these nagging doubts about the decision I made. I read threads that say just do NC, dont tell them. But when I did that all it did was make her irritated with me. Then some people say tell them you are going to do NC. I just dont know what to think anymore. I know it doesnt matter, since I already told her not to contact me, and now I need to stick with it, because if I dont I will only look like I cant stick to my word. If I break NC now I will look even more needy than someone who asked for NC in the first place.

ugh, i want so badly to break NC right now, LC wasnt as hard because I knew she would call. Now that I am doing NC and told her not to call or contact me unless it was important it feels like she will never call and that she will either forget me or hate me for pushing her out of my life even though i told her i wanted to be friends again at one point. i hate this!

A majority of the people posting in this forum seem to be people who have been or are being abused. What I don't see are many people posting that used to be abusers but changed their ways. In my last relationship, the one I have been posting about in the Getting Back Together forums, I was for atleast half the relationship, an abuser. Sadly I had terrible anger issues. While I never struck or physically injured her in anyway I was extremely verbally abusive. I felt like I couldn't help it, I knew it when I was doing it, and I would think to myself, why am I doing this? She is crying and I am hurting the one I love, but I would continue to do it. Then one day she had enough, she told me that she was ashamed to be with me and couldn't take it anymore. I was crushed, and there was nothing I could do because I knew it was my fault. It was then that I made a decision to change, not only for her, but especially for myself. I came to the realization that if I didn't change now I would either be like this for the rest of my life or that I would be lonely for the rest of my life. I didn't want either of those two things. Among other things, I started going to counseling. And after 3-4 months I was happy to say that I was in a MUCH better place than I was before I started counseling. The next time me and my ex got into an argument, I stopped myself before doing anything stupid and I went to my parents house to sleep. The next couple of disagreements we had I tried my hardest to see things from her point of view and did not allow myself to verbally abuse her at all. My friends, my family and my ex could all see the changes that I made with myself, for myself and are still proud of me. It was not an easy process at all, but the only way an abuser will change is if he/she decides to change, for themselves, not for anyone else. The support of others will definitely help though. Sadly my ex dumped me about 6 weeks ago, but I am glad to say that it wasn't because of me being abusive. If someone really loves you, they will change. But don't give them too many chances.

It seemed like everything was going fine until the day I decided to start NC, that is when relapse hit me like a Mack truck. I cant help but think about her no matter how hard I try. I feel like I am back to being depressed all over again. I just hope that along with getting myself back, that there will be a happy side effect to that as well. She didnt reply to my request for no contact, I am assuming because she was hurt by it and cause she cares enough for me as a friend to comply with it.....I dont know. Just a week ago we had plans to hang out and watch a movie and now I have decided to completely cut her out of my life. Part of me is thinking that if I can ever contact her again, she will be too upset and hurt to talk to me since I made that decision. But then another part of me thinks that I wont ever want to talk to her again. And another part of me thinks that she will end up trying to break NC because she will realize what she is missing. Im all the over the place right now and it sucks.

Do you guys think that starting NC after us seemingly getting along so well will maybe work to my advantage? Because now her last memories of me are atleast good ones, she saw that I was improving myself, and I was better looking, happy, etc? Leaving a last good impression and all? Maybe this took the rug out from under her feet so to speak because we seemed to be getting along, and then I decided I couldnt handle it?

I dont even know why I am asking this question, as no one can give a truly accurate answer, but I need to get it off my chest anyways. What do you think the chances of getting back together would be in my situation? Here is the very simplified version She broke up with me (basically i think she needed to "sow her oats"), 1 week of me begging, pleading etc. Next 5 weeks LC, with her initiating all contact the last 2 weeks. The last time we hung out things were nice, flirtatious, and it ended with a kiss on the cheek. 2 days after that I decided that I needed NC for a while and sent her a letter stating this, but leaving open the possibilty of being friends later on. So basically, does starting NC with her having positive memories of your time together make getting back together more of a possibilty? My "full" story can be read here: