blindreepr

thanks, that is what definitely what I needed to hear

That's where I was torn, there is a big difference between being a flirtatious friend and wanting to commit to someone who you told wouldn't have another chance with you for a good 3-5 years. If she really did want to get back with me, wouldn't me pulling away (in theory) make her push towards me even more? Unless she just wanted to be friends, then she would respect my decision and leave me alone until I contacted her.

Well, I officially started NC yesterday, here is my basic backstory for those of you who havent been reading my posts: My ex broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. There was another guy, she wasn't happy, needed to work on herself, etc. The first week I was a sobbing, hysterical mess. I did the same thing as everyone else, begging, pleading, bargaining, gift giving, etc. None of it worked ofcourse. Over the next 3 weeks we kept at LC out of neccesity since we were cleaning up the house we shared together before the lease was up. The last 2 times were different though, I was happy, agreed with the breakup, confident, funny, etc. After we cleaned up the house I went NC for about 10 days, till she broke it. She called 3-4 times and tried to readd me as a friend on myspace. I finally returned her call 2 days later, told her I have been busy, not ignoring her and before I could go she started asking me what I have been doing, how I am etc. I ended the call after giving her generic answers. A week goes by and I unblock her from AIM, as soon as I do that she IM's me, saying she was going to invite me over but that her pool is still dirty and I respond by saying that I really didnt have time to come over that day anyways. She was upset, saying "what else is new?" I started to feel bad so I gave her a call when I had a couple extra minutes and she immediately invited me over. I told her I was short on time but I had 15 minutes so we could stop at Jamba juice real quick. Our meeting was short and fun, she was definitely impressed by the six pack that was starting to form, and even tried grabbing at it. I ended the meeting after about 10 minutes saying that I was running late and when I dropped her off she gave me a kiss on the cheek. This was two days ago. Yesterday I realized that I am not fully over her, so I sent her a letter telling her basically that I needed time to work on myself, and that I would appreciate it if she did not contact me until I contacted her unless it was something VERY important. I told her that although I had definitely grown in these past 6 weeks (she has commented on how much I have changed for the better) that I was not happy with where I was at yet, and that I thought being friends with her was holding me back. That whenever I was doing stuff that I enjoyed doing, going to concerts, art museums, yosemite, the beach, etc that I felt like something was missing because I know how much she would enjoy doing all that stuff (that also served to reinforce the fact that she does not do these activities with her friends, it is something that we shared as most people where we are from do not have a broad set of interests and just plain never leave the county at all). I told her that I know we will still be friends because of our shared interests but for now it was best that we did not speak. I realize that NC is probably the best thing for the both of us right now. It will give me the oppurtunity to heal, and to enjoy myself again without needing to have a buddy or girlfriend to accompany me. And HOPEFULLY it will make her realize what she is giving up. I think that things between us definitely ended on a good note, so hopefully she will miss me even more than she would have if I started NC earlier. Though was announcing NC a mistake? Or was it the only way to make her realize that I am REALLY gone, and that I am not answering her phone calls because I dont want to, not because I'm a jerk that is ignoring her. NC will definitely be hard, yesterday was the first day I have cried in 5 weeks. Did I do the right thing? Or did I throw away what little of a chance I had to get back with her by cutting her off? Maybe I am increasing my chances at getting back with her by giving her a chance to REALLY miss me, instead of sorta missing me like she was before hand, but not missing me enough to get back with me. I don't know, I just know that I need encouragement right now as this will probably be the hardest thing I have done in a long time.

posted in new thread

Sadly, you are right. I just sent her a myspace message essentially saying that I can't be friends with her right now. It was possibly the hardest thing I have had to do in the past 6 weeks and I feel like I am back at day 1 of the breakup. Full on NC for me right now. She may be shocked, and she may even fight it, but this is what I need for me right now, and unless she wants to get back together this is the best thing for me.

She sent another myspace friend request, the last one she sent was accidently denied since I was denying a bunch of crappy bands and accidently hit deny on hers too. When we were talking yesterday I told her this and told her that she needs to send another one (once again, making HER to one to reach out to me, not the other way around ) It was only yesterday that this happened, and it seems like I am making progress with her, rebuilding the attraction, etc. Why am I so impatient? I want stuff to happen NOW, lol. I'm not going to be the one to call her though, she knows that if she wants to talk, she can call me. If not then its NC on my part. She is making the effort to reach out to me right now and that's how it should be right? Arg, my impatience is killlllling me Tell me I'm on the right track, or if I'm not, tell me what I am doing wrong!

anything at all?

After reading this reply I started to feel alittle bit bad. She did seem pretty irritated on AIM about me not being there. I had a couple minutes of free time while in her city so I decided to call her up. No answer, I started to think I did the wrong thing, but then 10 minutes later she is calling me back. I told her that I was just in town and before I could say anything else she asked me to come over. I told her that I felt bad that she felt like I was avoiding her, that I wasnt, I have just been busy, and I would treat her to a smoothie if she wanted. She ofcourse accepted the offer. When I got to her place she invited me in, I declined saying I didnt have much time, but wanted to take a couple minutes free time that I did have to take her to robeks which is right around the corner from her place. We had a good convo, she asked if I had been keeping active, with sports and stuff (which is something that I NEVER did while we where in a relationship) so I told her to decide for herself and I lifted up my shirt alittle bit so that she could see the six pack that was starting to appear on my stomach, needless to say she was impressed and instantly tried grabbing for it. I pulled away alittle bit letting her know I was just gonna GIVE it to her. I kept the meeting short but sweet, saying my time was short and I needed to go. I also let her know that if she wanted to hang out again to give me a call, and that I would do my best to answer the phone but I couldnt make any promises. When she got out of my truck she left with a kiss on the cheek and let me know that she would be in touch. I think I did a good job of letting her know that if we were going to hang out, it would be on my terms, I told her that if she wanted me to come over for swimming it would have to be on wed cause that is my only free day next week. And I let her know that if she wanted to hang out that she can call me. (I didnt say that I wouldnt call her, but I wont) Essentially letting her know that I do want to hang out, but I dont NEED to hang out with her or be with her to be happy. Through all the reading I have done on this forum, different e-books I bought, working out and getting accepted into a Respiratory Therapy program I think I have myself back, though LC sure did help out alot. Sure I may want her back, but I am perfectly fine if I don't get her back, in fact I may even be better off if I don't get her back. Right now I am just trying to stay somewhat mysterious, fun, confident and funny. Any advice on how to continue or should I just keep doing what I am doing?

Not sure if I want her back, I will make that decision if and when she comes back. Thinking about it now will only prolong my healing period. I don't think I am playing games, I REALLY am busy today. I have to go workout, make an appt for a tattoo, go check to see if the auto place has the part I ordered, if so fix my car, then go to the town next door and talk about finicial aid with my school, get transcripts from another school and then be home by 5 o clock so I can lay sod in my backyard. She is the one that dumped me, she is the one that told me with a smile on her face that she cant wait for her parents to leave for vacation so that she can be friends with benefits with some dude she had a crush on for the last 3 months of our relationship. So are you guys saying I shouldn't be as busy, and that I should try and initiate contact with her because my new busy life without her is putting her off? I thought that was the point of NC, to get yourself back and maybe in the process get them back also. It's only been 5 weeks since she broke up with me, I am remaining friendly and cordial when I talk to her, I dont bring up the relationship anymore. What am I doing wrong?

So I decided to unblock my ex on AIM today, within 2 minutes she IMed me. This is pretty much how the convo went Her: Hey...nm...lol Me: ?? Her: I was gonna invite you over to come swimming but the pool is still cloudy Me: Oh, lol. Well I am way to busy today, I will be in Mo-town, but I have lots of stuff to do. Her: Whats new Me: Lol (small talk for a couple of minutes, me not letting her not know too much about what is going on in my life) Me: Well I gotta go get ready for the day Me: Call me sometime Her: maybe Her: If you ever decide to answer the phone Me: I cant make any promises but I will do my best, lol Her: K bye bye Me: Talk to ya later Is my LC just irritating her, or making her give up on wanting to talk to me? I only ignored 2 calls to my cell phone and wasnt home for 1 call to my house, then I turned off my cell and called her two days later. It's like she is expecting me to still be at her beckon call or something, and is pissed that I'm not. Her inviting me to go swimming is just an excuse to see me, we have been talking about hanging out eventually and she brought up swimming. It's like she wants a GOOD excuse to see me, but can't think of any right now, lol. And wants me to be the one thinking of ideas reaching out for her and not the other way around. Am I making progress or taking 1 step forward and two steps backwards?

ya, it sucked. But I handled it well, told her she is free to do what ever she wants but that I lost a ton of respect for her. Then I told her she should do it because it's the only way she will learn that FWB never works. That's when she started back pedalling and told me that maybe she shouldn't be doing that. Then I went NC for a week and by the end of the week she called 4 times in two days and sent me a myspace friend add request, lol. Poor girl is soo confused.

That is the reason that my ex gave me when she broke up with me. Then two weeks later she told me (with a smile on her face) that she was friends with benefits with some dude she had a crush on while we were together, and that she couldnt wait till her parents go on vacation for two weeks so they could have a grand ol time. So what was really the reason she broke it off with me? While she does have lots of stuff to work stuff going on with herself, she sure isnt doing it now.

remain NC, finding out who chris is will do nothing positive for you at all.

Relationships end for many reasons, but it seems like two of the main reasons are: A) Too much fighting, just plain not getting along anymore and a lack of willingness on the part of one partner to try anymore or B) One partner no longer finds the other one attractive, still likes them as a person but usually has a crush or a rebound person set up that they would rather try out. Then there is ofcourse C) which is a combo of both reasons. too much fighting and one partner no longer finds the other one attractive and doesn't like them as a person either. In which of these three cases is reconciliation or getting back together most likely to happen? In your personal experience what have you seen happen with each of these types of break ups, and which led to the atleast an attempt to get back together most of the time?

lol, my ex's phone number is under dont answer as well

thanks for the advice, sending the letter probably isnt a good idea at all

If you are unsure about your feelings and not willing to put 110 percent into the relationship its not worth going back to it.

I think I finally came to the conclusion that I don't want her back. I want boof (my pet name for her) back, but I dont want Beth back. The person she has become, the things she has done in the past month made me lose a whole lot of respect for her. I miss what we had, but I'm not sure that she would be able to go back to who she was. She has no reason to change right now as she is having too much fun looking for self confidence in alchohol and casual sex. I want someone who will be confident on their own merits, not what other people think of them because of how much they party and because of what they are willing to do with them in bed. edit: if she asks me why I havent readded her on myspace yet how is this as a response? why i didnt readd you as a friend on myspace. My profile is set to private for a reason. There are some things on there that I just don't want you to know or see. When you broke up with me you decided that you didnt want me in your life anymore. And now you want to be my friend on myspace to give you a window into what I'm doing. You made your bed, you have to sleep in it. If you want to be friends, lets be friends in real life, call me, hang out, lets do things that friends do. If you want to know whats going on in my life, then be apart of it, but I'm not going to let you stick your foot in the water before you completely jump in. --------------------- I dont want it to seem like I want to only talk to her if she wants to get back together, but I want to make it clear that if we are going to be friends, it is going to be on my terms, and that I wont just be there for a safety net. I dont want to push her away, just make myself clear without being an * * * * * * * about it

I've been doing NC for about 9 days now. In the past two days, my ex has called me atleast 3-4 times (which I didnt answer or return her calls) and tried to re-add me as a friend on myspace. I don't want to make it seem to obvious I am avoiding her, as that may make me seem weak, like I'm not over her, so tonight I shot her a myspace message saying "Hey, is everything alright? I guess I missed like 3 or 4 of your calls. I've just been extremely busy this past week, running all over the place. I'm not trying to avoid ya, I've just been going a million miles a minute lately. So let me know whats going on and we can get everything taken care of Talk to ya soon Derek" I'm sure nothing is wrong, none of her messages made it seem important, it just seemed like she wanted to talk. I'm not going to be her safety net though. I've kept my cell phone off the rest of the day, and told my parents if she calls to just say I'm not home. I may give her a little bit of my time, but in small doses, and only when I am ready to do so. I won't be at her beckon call. Edit: Damn, she sure replied fast! She sent back a message saying "Hey, I just wanted to know if you have heard anything about the rental deposit. I saw you on the 4th btw. " She must know that its only been 4 business days since we turned the house over to them, ofcourse we are not going to find out about the deposit yet, and plus if that was the case why didn't she just leave a message saying that instead of "Doof, its boof, call me" (using our pet names). Seems like she is looking for an excuse. Maybe my message to her made her feel needy, because I pointed out she was the one calling me a lot, as if it was important, so she made up an important reason?? Who knows. I just think that if she was wanting to talk to me purely for business reasons, that she wouldn't of tried to readd me as a friend on myspace as well. I was obviously heavily on her mind tonight. ----2 days later---- Well, instead of myspacing her tonight I called her last night. Answered her question (told her as soon as I hear about the deposit I will let her know) and before I could get off the phone she asked me "what have you been doing that is keeping you so busy?" I gave a very generic answer, running around, working out, meeting new people, working on school, etc. Then she followed up with "Did you add me as a friend on myspace yet?" to which I replied that I havent been online near as much as I used to be, so I havent had a chance to yet. I ended the convo saying that I had to go and I told her Im sure I'll talk to her soon, but didnt imply that I would be the one making contact. Where should I take it from here? I am planning on resuming NC, but its not easy as we do have some finaicial things to take care of. I dont plan on adding her as a friend on myspace either. How do you find the balance between not being a safety net and still being somewhat available? How am I doing so far? Any advice, suggestions?

this is good advice. The other day I went skateboarding while listening to hardcore punk and let me tell ya, it felt great. Getting back to doing things that I enjoyed doing before the breakup made me remember who I really was, and that my relationship with my ex isnt what defined me.

she called again, left a message on my cell, and left a message at my home phone. didnt say it was important or anything, just asked me to call back. what should I do? im thinking maybe emailing her tomorrow saying that I have been really busy and just asking if she needed something. i dont want to make it too obvious i am avoiding her, but want her to think i am busy.

did she want you back or did she just want to keep her back up plan around?

After one week of NC she called, I ignored the call seeing as I have nothing to talk to her about. She left a message saying "Hey doof, its boof, call me back (the happy face is pretty much what she sounded like) She was using our pet names for each other. All I could do is laugh at her attempt to try and get me to call her. I guess our mutual friend saw her at her workplace yesterday and my ex was asking about how I was doing, to which my friend replied "he is doing GREAT, I am surprised at how well he is doing." My ex tried to say, ya, he is doing ok. In an attempt to downplay how well I am doing to which my friend replied, "actually he is doing great, he is much better than ok." It's funny to see how she is trying to downplay my progress, and seeminly trying to get me to revert to the pathetic mess I was the first week of the break up (by calling me up using our pet names for each other). The things that people will do to get a feeling of importance. I think she is finally starting to realize that her safety net is missing.

I am denial about being in denial. Lol. But seriously, I realize that at this time, me and my ex are done. We have been broken up for a month today, and I have been doing NC for 1 week. Other than when I ignored her phone call last week she hasn't tried to make contact at all (other than randomly leaving all my friends comments on myspace, something that she has never done). At the same time, I have been making progress by leaps and bounds. I have been working out everyday, eating incredibley healthy, been making progress with myself socially and improving overall as a person. It has only been 1 month and I have grown more than I did in the 2 years that we were together. While she has been out drinking and skanking around with everyone and their brother I have been improving myself. Is thinking that she will at the very least be surprised by all the improvements I have made denial? I don't think so, even friends that have been watching me these past few weeks are surprised. Then again, she may not care at all about my improvements, but that's her problem, not mine. I'm not doing these things to get her back, I'm doing them because it makes me a better person. If you improve yourself in hopes of getting back your ex you will be sorely disappointed. If you do it for yourself then no matter the outcome you will be a better person for it. I don't think my ex will come back because she will miss me because of NC and because I am improving myself. I think my ex will come back because any girl would be crazy not to consider me as a potential boyfriend. That is how much confidence I have now, this is my reality.

i would think planning on what you want to do if they come back is better than keeping a positive light for them in your heart, cause if you decide you wont take them back if they come back that definitely isnt a positive light for them atleast.