blindreepr

thanks for the link, today will be day 5 of NC

Now that I look back on my thoughts the past couple of days I think I realize that what I am missing is the relationship, not the actual person. We didn't have a bad relationship, there were a few things missing but it wasnt bad. It wasn't enough for her I guess, but I was happy with it. The things I don't miss are her lack of intiative, her cursing, her farting, her reliance on me for all things, her needyness. I miss having a supportive partner, but I dont miss her.

I guess the key is finding the line between expecting them to come back and preparing for it, and wanting them come back and not letting go because of that want. My "awesomeness" is not the only reason I expect her to come back, another reason is the fact that she basically ditched all her old friends for a new group of friends that approves of what she is doing right now. Friends that she shares nothing in commen with interest wise other than they fact that they like to get drunk and be sexually open with. That will get old fast, the fact that they dont like the same music, movies, books, style, etc. But then again who knows, it may of been a charade the entire time she was with me, it wouldnt be the first time that a girl has pretended to be something she wasnt while she was in a relationship with me, so that she could impress me, and then afterwards did a complete 180 and i saw who she really was. I guess only time will tell.

Is it denial or is it getting back the confidence that I had before I started the relationship plus a little bit of misplaced faith. I am so confident in myself right now that I don't see how she could not want to get back with me, unless I am thinking she is smarter than she actually is. I'm not going to call her up or anything, I have her blocked on aim and my profile on myspace is set to private. If she wants to get a hold of me she can leave me a voicemail since I wont answer my cell phone or email me. The thing is that I am not actively pursuing her at all, I have been using the last 3 weeks to better myself, and I know she already has a positive view of me since the last time I saw her she was way more excited about seeing me than I was seeing her, and if I have taken that positive view of me and improved it how could she resist? Its only be about 4 days of NC after 4 weeks of LC, so I dont think she has fully realized that her safety net is gone, but when she does come to that realization I am fully expecting to hear from her. denial? maybe. But I think its more a testament to my renewed self confidence since even if she doesnt call me wanting to come back I know that its nothing wrong with me, I've improved dramatically, it would HAVE to be something wrong with her.

Has anyone here ever been dumped and then realized after a couple weeks of LC/NC that even though they may of not shown signs of wanting back yet, that they eventually would? I feel that I KNOW she is coming back (unless she turns out to be bat sh** crazy, she'd have to be to not want me back, lol) and now I am just trying to decide what I will do when she does come back, and if I even want her back. Anyone else ever felt that way? How did things turn out?

Not trying to be argumentative, but wouldn't that put me into the "i'm needy and not over you" category? Which is the last place I want to be right? I dont exactly WANT to work at a relationship either, I just want the possiblity of working on a relationship to remain open, and the best way to do that is to make her want to work on it. I realize that right now, I still havent had enough NC time to truly decide where I want to take this, I am hoping that with NC I can make a logical decision and hopefully also get her to the place where she wants to do the same. Am I completely off base here?

Yes, but not for the reason I should be doing NC though. In my own opinion I think I am strong enough to heal and move on with as much contact as she would like. I do think about her sometimes, but other than that I am fully confident in the direction I am heading in life right now, with or without her. Even if she were to come back, unless very specific things were addressed I would not take her back, but that does not mean that I am not trying to leave the door open. My reasoning for wanting to do NC is to give myself time to REALLY improve myself, even more than I have in the past 3 weeks of very low contact, and to take away her safety net so that she will have to make a decision. Mixed messages were sort of my goal though..... I figure the best way to put this situation in my control is to have her uncertain of my feelings. Creating doubt in herself and her decision, forcing her to think about it. If I want to talk to her, but am too busy to, what am I do then? Who am I with? Why is it more important than talking to her? When will I finally make the time to talk to her? etc Am I being terribley manipulative or is all fair in love and war? I don't want her to beg for me back because of an emotional response to missing me. What I do want is maybe for her to want me back because of an emotional response and then we can both truly talk about our separate goals as individuals and what we want out of a relationship and if we are both willing to commit to them. If we don't want the same thing, or arent willing to commit to accepting mistakes either of us made during the break then I don't even want to try. I just want the dust to settle quicker that its current rate.

Its been 2 full days of NC, and I am definitely getting better. But now what I am wondering is, what will/should I do if she contacts me? Phone calls wont be an issue, if I see her number, or any number I dont recognize I wont pick it up for the next month or so, and unless I get a voicemail that says something is urgent or an emergency then I won't have any reason to call her back. The big thing is what if she stops by my house before work (which I invited her to do so that I wouldn't seem like I was avoiding her even though I have every intention of avoiding her)? Basically what I am asking is, how is the best way to make it seem like I am busy, but wanting to talk to her? I do not want her to think I am mad at her, but I definitely want to be unavailable. Any suggestions? Anything I should absolutely not do, or anything I should absolutely do?

time does work wonders, the thing is, that if you really don't care if you get back together or not, that will be communicated through your body language and speech, making you seem confident and not needy. Which is a good thing, putting you in control of the situation and not your ex.

What happened in the past is in the past, and best left there. Bringing up things that either of you did while apart will only hurt the other person imho. The only time something should be brought up is if there is a possibility of the other person finding out through some other means down the road, in that case air it out now before they hear it from someone else. Otherwise I'd try to come to an agreement to leave whats well enough alone and focus on things that you have control over at the moment.

So today was my first official day of NC and what happens? I see my ex. I was driving down the road and as I stopped at a stop light I hear honking, a whole lot of honking, this goes on for a good 30 seconds and I have no idea what is going on. As the light turns green I hear my name and there she is, the girl that dumped me. We ended on good terms and everything, but for someone that doesn't want to be with me, she sure was enthusiastic to see me. I wouldn't even have that reaction if I saw one of my best friends driving along side me on the road, and its not like its been a while since we have seen each other, its been 2 days. Mixed signals much? I gave a lackluster wave and drove off, glad that I am done with that part of my life. I can't wait till its been one month, two months, three months since I have seen or talked to her, time seems to go so slow right now.

I agree with you somewhat, though my high school teacher always said "Prior prudent planning prevents piss poor performance". Is there a sort balance I can find between not so much expecting her to come back but preparing myself to do the right then if/when she does?

The one thing that makes it some what hard is that I am fully expecting her to back pedal or try to get back together after NC for a month or so. Especially after she see's "the new" me. I have been working out everyday, am finally planning on getting that tattoo I have always talked about, am putting myself out there socially, and am doing activities (going to SF Giants games, visiting museums, taking vacations, going to see live musicals) that we always wanted to do but I never had the money to pay for the both of us. She was always a weak person and it seems like she has already tried to initiate the first steps. She seems really confused and has hinted towards wanting back in our relationship although I know that she wants it to be her idea, and not mine. I wonder is this a bad thing to prepare for? Does preparation for this make me hold on longer or will it make me stronger and able to say no easier when it (more than likely) happens?

I really don't see any reason to talk to her anymore. She called today and it wasn't nearly as hard to not answer the phone as it would have been a week ago. Now that we are moved out and all the bills are taken care of I no longer have any NEED to talk to her. If it was important she would have left a message right? The fact that she didn't leave a message means that it was either an excuse to call me or that she wanted me to call her back, putting her back into control. Does NC get harder as time goes on or will it always be this easy to ignore her?

Jealousy does play a part in it I think. When I told her that I wanted her to go ahead and do it she defiantely started back tracking. I told her that I knew that she needed to do it to learn, because that's the only way she will realize that it was a bad idea if she gets hurt by it. After I made those statements she started agreeing with me that it was a bad idea.

Today is the start of NC for me. It should be pretty easy for me hopefully as I have lost all respect for her as of today anyways. Today was the last day we were cleaning the house before the lease is up. I guess I made her feel too comfortable with me since I was acting to self confident, or maybe cause she thought I was "getting some" because I refused to answer her questions about if I had been seeing other chicks. Anyways, she was talking about how her parents are gonna be gone and she is excited because there is a someone that she met that she is Friends With Benefitting with. It ended up being that it was the dude that she essentially left me for. I was more ashamed and felt a complete lack of respect for her than anything else. I didn't blow up or cry or anything just told her that I was concerned because I was still her friend and didn't want to see her get hurt. Then she essentially asked me to convince her not to do what she is doing right now. She eventually told me that she was getting bored with him and that Friends with Benefits probably isnt the best of ideas. I left with a goodbye and told her not to be a stranger so that she will atleast leave with the impression that I'm fine and that I am COMPLETELY over her. No use in letting her have some sort of sick satisfaction. I am so confused by what happened today. Is it low self confidence on her part? If I completely go NC will she be calling me like crazy? It seems so weird, like she was almost testing me. Why are girls crazy?

regarding the things you bought her but never gave to her because of the breakup I think it's best that you don't give it to her. they will come off as gifts, gifts that she may very well interpret as trying to get her back. your best bet is to return them. during my breakup 3 weeks ago I sent my ex flowers and chocolates on her birthday even though she just broke up with me. I wanted it to just be a nice gesture. I didnt even get a call thanking me that day. The next week I went without talking to her at all and she ended up making excuses to call me. Gifts after a breakup get you no where, they just empty the pocket book and make you look dumb at the same time.

I realize this and who knows, at the end of the month, I may not want to get back together with her. Right now I am content with the fact that she doesn't want to be together and I have come to the realization that if she doesn't want to get back together she will be the one missing out, not me.

It's been 3 weeks since she broke up with me. The first two weeks I was a wreck, crying, pleading, begging, everything. After that I decided it was getting me nowhere. I gained back my self confidence and everything else that came with it. Me and the ex have been cleaning out our house, getting it ready to turn over to the property management company so we can hopefully get our deposit back. While talking with the ex I asked her when we could schedule our last day of cleaning, she told me that she doesn't get her schedule till 3 o clock on thursday, so I told her that I would be by her work that day so that we could arrange a day to finally finish cleaning up the mess we left. 3 o clock thursday comes around and I'm busy. I head to the gym and leave my cell at home. After finally finishing my workout, I stop by her work around 5 pm to get her schedule so that we could arrange a day and time. When I get there she tells me that she was worried about me, that I didnt answer my phone and she thought I wasn't going to come. Even though she still had PLENTY of time before she got off work. I arrange a date and time and leave. I get home and sure enough there is not only one but TWO missed calls shortly after 3 o clock. This is a girl that didn't even call me after I sent flowers and chocolates to her work for her birthday. And now she is calling me and worried about missing a 2-3 minute meeting at her work. Not only that but she didn't even leave a message with her schedule so that we could arrange it without having to meet up in person. Maybe I am reading too much into it, but it feels great to be not be the one chasing and worrying anymore. I know that she doesn't want to be getting back together right now, but I think if I give it some time and some strict NC after we get the house cleaned that she will definitely start missing me.

For those of you who haven't seen some of my posts here is my story. Today was the 2nd day that me and the ex went to our old house to clean it up, move stuff, take stuff to the dump so that we can hopefully get our deposit back. When she arrived I greeted her with a smile and she smiled back ofcourse. I wanted this to be a sign that today wasnt going to be like last week when I was sobbing and begging for her to come back. She asked me how I was doing and I replied with a confident "awesome!". She was taken aback at first, but seemed to be happy that I was happy. The rest of the day was great, I couldn't of asked for anything better. We were smiling, laughing and having fun the entire day. I told her how I know agree that the breakup was for the benefit of us both and how I plan to fully take advantage of all the extra time and money that I have now. We talked about how we were both starting to grow as people, our plans for the future, and all the good times/things that we had in our relationship. No arguments at all, the only small disagreement was ended quickly by me concieding to her side, as one problem in our relationship was that stuff was always my way or the highway. Me actually giving in so quickly showed her that I was really changing. We went out to get lunch and I told her to pick the place which she enjoyed taking advantage of as well. After dropping off the final things at her place, her parents invited me to stay for dinner, I asked my ex if she was ok with it and she was more than happy to have me stay and eat. Dinner was awesome, and when I left her mom was all teary eyed and told me that she loved me. About ten minutes after I left my ex called to see if I had to go to the bathroom cause she thought she had food poisoning, or so she said. Kind of a weird call but I'm not going to read into it. The call was short and to the point. I am now at the point where I am feeling really optimistic about myself. I have come to realize that maybe all she needed was space. Another thing I have realized is that she would be crazy not to want a relationship with me. I feel 100x better about myself. I am at the point where I still want her back, but am happy with myself even if she doesnt come back, I know that SHE will be the one who is missing out, not me. All in all, today was perfect. We had fun and got alot of stuff done. I was smart, funny and confident, just like when we first met. We have one more day of hardcore cleaning to do next week and then I am planning on doing NC for a month or two. Basically I want to make her miss me, which I am thinking she is already starting to. After that I will be able to re-evaluate the situation and make a GOOD decision on what to do with this. I know she is thinking about me, and still cares, as she was the one to ask "so you eff any chicks yet?" It was asked jokingly, but I know that she really did want the answer. So thats my story for right now, any comments, suggestions, anything is appreciated

This wednesday me and the ex are meeting up for a second time to get our house nice and clean so we can hopefully get most of our deposit back from the lease. Last time we did this I was an emotional rollercoaster of a wreck. I went from being happy to see her, to sobbing that she seemed so happy without me, to angry that she didn't want to try and fix things, to happy, sad, etc. What made it worse was that she was so nice about it. When I was sobbing she held me for a good ten minutes, even when I was begging her to go back out with me she just held me and told me it would be ok. And then when I was ok again she told me that "this is why I need to stay away from you for a while, because I dont want to string you along for months like my ex's did to me" She wants me to get over her so that I don't hurt anymore. Anyways, I am seeing her again this wed, and it will probably be an all day thing. What can I do to be strong, not cry, and put on a good face?

I am planning on doing the NC route with my now ex as of last week. You can read about all that here: What I was wondering is how is the best way to go about it? Tell her that I dont want to talk to her, and I dont want her to talk to me or any of my friends. Or just stop talking to her at all unless it's about a bill that needs to be paid, etc. I want her to know that I still care about her, and want to be with her, but I want time to heal. From what I read NC seems the way to go because 2 things either happen, you heal and she never comes back, or you have lots of time to think and she comes back and then you can make a good decision about taking her back or not. So should I tell her that I want NC or just start NC and if she tries to contact me ignore it?

any more advice as to how to handle this? I cant stop thinking about it.

I am a wuss, I just called her to confirm that we are meeting on thursday so clean out the house so that we can hopefully get our deposit back. She sounded happy. She cut her hair and is making new friends. All stuff that I wanted her to do when we were going out. She thinks that she is happy now because we are not together, I think she is happy because she is out of our house with our irresponsible roommates, because she is making new friends, because she cut her hair, because she feels free, even though she was free to go all that when we were going out, she just never wanted to. She basically told me that she was with Colby all night last night, and that it was a long night. She wants me to be heartbroken. She tells me she still loves me, but when I tried telling her that the reason she is happy is because of everything else other than not being with me, she told me she would hang up. Why would someone do this to someone that they "love"?

So almost a week ago My exgf broke up with me. This past week has brought my many things. Tears, acid reflux, depression, my first experience with alchohol and tobacco. So where do I start? I guess I will try and sum up my relationship with my exgf. Her name was Beth. We had been going out for almost 2 years. We had our ups and downs like most people. The cool thing about Beth was that unlike my friends gf's, she actually got along with all of us, and they treated her like she was one of their friends, at times, I felt like they liked her more than me. We weren't that sexually active, although we would do stuff occasionally, it definitely wasn't why we were together. We were friends, soulmates even. During the first year or so of our relationship, I had anger problems. Big ones. I was never physically abusive or anything, but I did have quite the mouth on me. At one point she essentially gave me the ultimatum to get better or she is gone. And I did get better, much better. My friends, family and Beth were all very proud of the progress I had made. Gone were the days of name calling and stuff, and here were the days of me actually being sensitive, listening to what she said, and if I couldn't handle myself, I left the house instead of staying there and boiling over. About 4-6 months ago Beth told me that she had a crush on her coworker, Colby. I figured it was nothing, just a little crush, but she had told me that she had never had a crush on a anyone before while she was in a relationship. She still loved me, but she said that she wasn't feeling the same about me as she once did in our relationship. I told her that it's normal, that happens. I told her that I had a crush on someone too, and that we could both work through it, because we still loved each other. I decided that regardless of what my emotions are at the moment that I am committed to her, and that no stupid little crush is worth messing up what we had. We had also been having lots of house stress dealing with roommates at the time, and my mom suggested that we take a couple days apart just to cooldown from the stress and get out of the house. After those days it's like our relationship was reinvigorated. Everything was good again. Fast forward to a week ago. We are dealing with moving out of our place and both going back with our parents, not because we dont want to be with each other but because we could not afford to stay together. In addition to house/moving out stress, I have been stressing about finding a school to go to and actually finish my college career. We as a relationship were fine or so I thought. Beth had lots of stuff that she was stressing about too, but we were working through it together. Last saturday Beth and my parents visited me at work. I was talking to them about moving out of state for school and beth was talking to me about maybe going with me, maybe staying. And when it seemed apparent to her that I was serious about this school thing, she tells me that her and me need to talk about relationship stuff. I dont really think a thing of it. I get home and she basically tells me that we should probably break up or take a break after we move out. I am dumbfounded, I don't know where this came from at all. We talk it out after 10 minutes of crying together and she says that she has just been really stressed, she still has a crush on Colby and she is confused. She told me that she is committed to me. The next day I wake up to find a post from her on link removed "Why can't I be right? Grrr. I failed. Hardcore. I've been blinded. Now I see.....that I made a huge mistake.... I hope I never hurt anyone this bad ever again. I hurt the one that I love the most. I need to get some balls and take my blinders off to see that what I have (derek, duh!) is fan-freagn-tastic! Gotta use my brain and my will power. I know they are there somewhere." I feel like we are back in the right track. Although the next day I am still so of upset at her, and a little cold, but I still kiss her goodbye, I still tell her I love her, I just made it known that I thought she needed to put alittle more effort into us. The next day I get home from work, and hang out with my friends at our house. Beth calls me when she gets off work and tells me that she is going to hang out with her new friend Vanessa (who doesnt like me very much because she doesnt understand my sense of humor). I say alright thats fine. 3 hours later and shes still not home, I start getting worried as Beth has never done that before, she would have usually checked in or been home by then, as beth never really had friends of her own that she would just hang out with, usually they were my friends and I would either be welcome over there or she would call me letting me know whats going on. well half an hour later she comes home and seems very distant to me. I ask her what is going on and she says that nothing is wrong, she is just tired and wants to sleep. I could tell something was wrong so I persisted. 2 minutes later I ask her if she still wants to be with me and she says no. That lead to me asking her to go to her parents house if she really felt that way, so she did. That's basically it. The next couple of days were me sending about 5 messages to her Myspace, asking what happened? Why it happened? And what could I do? She told me that I couldn't make her happy, to which I replied she is the only one that could do that, I cant make her happy and colby cant make her happy. I eventually became somewhat understanding of her actions and told her that while I some what understood what she did, I thought that breaking up with me was harsh, and that we could have definitely worked it out, whatever the problem was. If I can overcome a life long problem with anger for her, I can and am willing to overcome anything for her. So now we are supposed to meet this thursday to decide what is who's at the house. I think I have given up on trying to reason with her, as she doesn't want reason right now. Her birthday is this Wed, so as a nice gesture I ordered a huge thing of flowers and dark chocolate to be sent to her work.(she LOVES flowers and dark chocolate like nothing else) In the cards, I made it be known that I do still care for her, and that I'm sorry for anything I did to make her unhappy, even though I dont really know what those things were. When we were talking, I told her that if she needs to be single for a while, then so be it, but I want another chance when she finds whatever she is looking for. She told me to hold onto that, but it may not happen because we may find out people. I told her that I wasnt looking and she said she wasnt either. Any advice as to where to take this now? I still want to be with her soooo bad. I love her more than anyone I have ever been with. I want this thursday to be a good day, and I dont want to upset her or argue with her at all. I'm hoping that on Wed she will see that I still do care. Am I getting my own hopes up too much? I've seen so many other relationships were people break up and get back together, and I hope that we can get back together, but right now it seems that it will never happen. What should I do? What can I do? What shouldn't I do. Should I even take her back if she does come back? Will she come back? I hate not having all the answers to these questions.