Batya33

Oh my goodness. Your kids will be made fun of just like all kids are for any reason and no reason at all -including because they're constantly wearing new clothes if they give the impression they are "more than". For example. My son wears old clothes. Want to know why? Because I had my son late - we got tons of hand me downs then. From my friends who had kids before me. Newsflash about used kids clothes -they often look like new or are new because kids grow so darn fast. I still refuse to spend a lot of $ on brand new clothes for my son -yes, we can totally afford to buy him tons and tons of new clothes ,trendy clothes, fancy clothes - because it's a total waste of $ IMO. He is still growing so fast -especially now that he's in puberty. He needed his first suit for an event last year. My friend gave us her son's hand me down suit -because my son is short for his age. Her inlaws buy her sons fancy clothes. This suit was maybe worn twice. It was gorgeous and fit my son like a glove. I bet it was hundreds of dollars. Why in the world would I spend that kind of $ on a new suit for him to wear 2-3 times? I don't care if his clothes look old -he doesn't either - until recently his clothes typically got pretty dirty and/or ripped from running around all day at school etc - thank goodness for certain brands with reinforced knees lol. So none of us cared if his clothes looked FB photo-ready because we don't' post photos of our handsome son. Do you really need to keep up with the Joneses? Ask yourself how much you care about others' opinions as it will greatly decrease your dating pool and men of character and integrity will be turned off by feeling like if they marry you it will be a life of that with "new" clothes. Our other friend with a taller son gave our son his used awesome bike. During the pandemic when there was a shortage on bikes. Can you imagine him being made fun of for riding a used bike? I can't. He wasn't. We also saved hundreds of dollars plus a huge delay on the bike. I got made fun of when my mom relented and bought me designer jeans when I was in 7th grade. Why? They were brand new and fit me beautifully but apparently I didn't have a womanly figure yet so I was made fun of for looking straight as a board in them. Mean kids will find reasons to make fun of other kids. I give tons of hand me downs to my friends who can afford new clothes. They are so appreciative. In our public school they pay for the kids who cannot afford a particular field trip. No one knows who is going for free. It's all online now. Please stop your made up obstacles and these pie in the sky what ifs about your future kids and why they would be made fun of. Again -you can marry someone where you both have really good jobs and savings and you know what -life happens. I hope it doesn't but it does - your friend's husband might be suffering from depression and she doesn't want to tell you and doesn't want to leave him. So they're down to one income. My friend's husband has stage 4 cancer and they have 3 young kids and he's now on permanent disability from his job. They both have graduate degrees and now she can't work full time because of his illness. Her friend posted something on facebook about the husband's illness and my friend was upset -she's told her friends but doesn't post on FB about it - so maybe your friends don't tell you everything personal about their spouses's medical conditions especially if they fear you might get all judgy. Consider that.

I think it's really important to get to know each other over a period of time -like 1-2 dates/week so you can see over a longer period of time how the person reacts to life situations that might not happen in a shorter time period -like a bad cold, parents coming to town, how they interact with all sorts of service people whether it's the wait staff or the cable guy, when things are good at work or not so good, etc. I know of many women who have sex early on after seeing someone every day for a week in this insta-relationship haze, then they regret it, etc.

No you don't bring it up unless you two are already discussing getting sexual. What's incredibly weird to me is you're so focused on what is supposed to happen after x amount of dates - says who? Why not determine your own values, then hers, then your mutual preferences and together you decide what works for the two of you. I typically waited months based on my values plus also health related/pregnancy risk, etc. Extremely healthy sex drive, in situations where there was intense chemistry and desire. We waited. Just like people who want to feel healthful might want to eat a whole chocolate cake in one sitting but instead they have a slice at a time over a period of a week. Choosing to prioritize health over desire. Choose your priorities -your personal priorities -not what "girls" have done with you in the past especially sexually -many people enjoy getting sexual and having casual sex right away. Whether or not they see future potential or really know the other person. Not a bad or good thing -it just is. Also after 5 dates if you see serious potential I'd start to figure out if you two have the same general goals -including career, education, family (or not), marriage (or not) -generally -not necessarily specifically. Perhaps if you stop comparing yourself to some inane 3-date standard or her to the "girls" you've hooked up with you can focus on her as an individual person.

For me it was to become the right person to find the right person. Ironically my right person had been the wrong person for me 7 years earlier! Dating requires a thick skin. The guy you mentioned you met and hooked up with -that's not really relevant to dating -yes you met someone you clicked with but not in the context of properly dating where something was likely to come out of it. (I also had a vacation fling right after I graduated from grad school in 1994 -also in California and we also decided it wouldn't work long distance -it was really fun while it lasted and we saw each other again casually, platonically as he was a friend of my friend's then husband. ) For me reliability and consistency were essential and to save my sanity I assumed each date was our last date unless we had specific time/place plans to meet again. If not I moved on, including emotionally, and if he called in the future to ask me out again -cool. I didn't want to get too attached especially in the beginning because I wanted to be open to meeting others. Also "not ready for anything serious" almost always means "with you" so just move along -and it's ok - almost all of the time it's nothing personal about you just not that click. Dating all those years was 100% worth it to me because I wanted marriage and family. If I hadn't it wouldn't have been worth it.

You seem very into yourself and like you want a clone of yourself. Go for it -go forth and find that clone. He is not. He doesn't meet your personal standards of what you're looking for in a date or boyfriend. That's ok -let him go so that a person who is into him can be with him. Focus on all of your interests and try to be in environments where others are engaged in a similar interest. For example my friend's 14 year old loves dungeons and dragons so my friend often has his friends over who like it too. And they play for hours.

Alex I think you need to lose the woe is me I'm a victim of my friend's "convincing" me to ask someone out. Own your choices, stand on your own two feet. I have a friend who had four children from the same sperm donor -single mother by choice. I remember so well she called me around 14 years ago and said "guess what! there's an opening at the IVF clinic I use - it's so hard to get an appointment -you should call and get pregnant!" She knew I had a serious boyfriend. It wasn't the first time she tried to "suggest" I also try to get pregnant as a single mother by choice. What I didn't know was she was then pregnant with her third and what she didn't know was I was pregnant with my first -but not telling anyone yet other than immediate family. So obviously as Cherlyn mentioned above she wanted "company" in her choice to be a single mother by choice (I haven't actually been in touch with her in a couple of years but when I was -she was not married, not dating and stopped trying to date much after she had her first of four kids). Also I brought my then boyfriend to her first child's first bday party - (future husband I mean). He'd never met her. She said to me in front of him -staring adoringly at her baby "don't you want one of these?? aren't you jealous?" (No, I wasn't). My boyfriend was really shocked she'd be that blatant but again she couldn't stand that I wasn't making the same choice she did -to give up on meeting anyone and be a single mother by choice. She didn't convince me of anything. I didn't feel like a victim of her suggestions and opinions. Be your own person -it's a real turn off to most secure men if a woman plays the victim and complains about how others try to "convince" her to make certain decisions -your mindset and how you share it is so intense it will come across even if you don't intend to. You're better than that.

Why would you think it was fun to get drunk or impaired with her one on one -how will that help you get to know each other? Ask her what she likes to do. Some date ideas are: museum, picnic in a nice park, hiking, a swing dancing lesson, live theater or live music, a comedy club.

Just to add -I think decent men and women have casual sex. I don't think it's decent behavior to pressure someone into having sex.

People move towards pleasure and away from pain. If he wanted to ask you out on a date he would have. Why didn't you ask him out -I mean you had sex, you flirt -why haven't you planned a date and asked him out in advance for a date you planned? I think you want him to ask you out more as a matter of ego or pride so you can tell yourself you two aren't just friends who have sex when you feel like it - as opposed to really wanting to get to know him in the context of a dating relationship. I also sense that you prefer to come across as some "cool" person who is fine hanging out and hooking up and now regret that decision. It's really hard to unring the bell in this sort of situation. He told you basically he's comfortable having sex and hanging out. He's not comfortable dating you.

Also obviously you want to talk about STD testing, birth control, sexual monogamy and her views on what she thinks she would want if there is an accidental pregnancy -right? I mean you seem to want something more than casual dating and sex as part of it -you seem to see this as potentially serious with this woman (who is not a "girl" -she's an adult -so maybe the "girls" you know might not relate to the perspectives of an adult woman) - so have a conversation -ask her what her intentions are as far as the two of you, how she sees the two of you and then share what you are thinking.

It's not easy to live poor. But it can happen even with well-meaning and ambitious educated people - there are times of financial struggle in many families (not mine thank goodness but no guarantees). It's for better or for worse. See what I wrote above about perhaps relaxing your goal of wanting a big party to celebrate a wedding. As you get more into your 30s be prepared to meet men who simply don't want to go through all of that planning and spend all that $ particularly since older couples usually pay for all of it themselves.

Who cares what her motives are? You can't control that. Why are you acting like some sort of passive recipient of unsolicited advice? Have normal boundaries and tell her "thanks for the input and let's just agree to disagree on how I approach finding a suitable match for myself." My grandfather told me I'd never find a husband because I refuse to make him coffee one night late at night and he said that I needed to know how to make a good cup of coffee to find a husband (yes I am a coffee drinker). I married a non-coffee drinker.......

Agree totallly with Reinvent -also stop the constant texting -it's a false sense of intimacy and you're playing at being some boring married couple LOL. Get to know each other mostly in person maybe with a phone call in between dates.

Yes just like decent women exist. I know of a couple of women who insist on sex early on as it's their way (not mine!!) of testing for sexual compatibility. I met men who pushed for sex early on. I typically waited months until we were exclusive, in love, with strong potential for marriage. I made one exception -after 2 months -and I always regretted that decision. The men who mentioned sex a lot early on or pressured -bye bye! I met many many men who treated me with respect and like a lady. Many men with high sex drives who only wanted to have sex with the same values I had and wanted to wait till we were both comfortable. I also was sexual -without having intercourse-earlier than the time we had sex. But not early on and not unless there was potential for something serious. Please don't let yourself get bitter or cynical -which will happen if you keep choosing to have sex because you feel pressured. It's not fair to yourself or fair to accuse men in general of rarely being "decent." It's just not true.

I think it's a good idea to reevaluate standards especially those that are knee jerk reactions with little meaning. For example a requirement that if you're in your 30s the man in question must be ok with a long engagement so you can plan a big party to celebrate a wedding. Or that he have all his hair, etc. Realistic for sure. Settling -no -it's not an exact science and requires brutal self honesty and no rationalizing/settling.

If you want to go on a date and she suggests a date then confirm a time and place. It doesn't matter what she does or how she contacts you -you get to choose your reaction. I would not consider her invitation to hang out and get high an invitation for a date and I wouldn't make a plan like that especially since you work together. I would not be around her in any impaired state. You are in control of your choices.

I'm going to add this. You want to be a mother right? Guess what -parents get tons of pressure trying to "convince" them to parent in a certain way- especially around stuff like sleep training and breast feeding and eating solids, team sports, daycare v. SAHM. All the darn time even from strangers.You must learn not to be a person who walks around telling herself "well she's trying to convince me" -get that out of your vocabulary. You and your spouse will be the parents. The two of you make the parenting decisions. You will seek advice and input of all kinds -but you will initiate that- not as a result of someone trying to "convince" you -especially your mother! I love my mother and my mother didn't know the science of a particular safety issue with our son. And she tried to undermine me in front of him when we visited in August. I love her but did not appreciate it because it created conflict with my teenage son on a safety risk I would never take. I stood my ground and told her please not to interfere. Yesterday we saw his doctor for his well check and now that safety issue is resolved. She was happy for me -she got it. She saw me stick to my standards. Get ready for that sort of push back and this is a great time to develop your skills so you don't tell yourself you're some empty receptacle for or victim of people trying to convince you

I had a number of friends suggest or imply I settle when I was in my 30s and/or be a single mother by choice. It's fine -most people mean well. But it's your obligation to yourself to stick to your own standards and values. Yes- if someone says something about your standards and you have an aha moment and realize they are actually silly that's different -but if you remain solid in your perspective, stick to that. One of my musts was at least college educated. In fact I knew very few men in my wide social circles who weren't at least college educated and had only two or three men in real life ask me out and they weren't college educated and I otherwise didn't find those men attractive . I had a number of people question this standard of mine with all the silly "but Bill Gates is a millionaire and he didn't......" or the like and I'd sometimes explain the underpinnings of my values about a college degree -and sometimes it wasn't worth it. While of course they had their own standards but they were married, etc. Beware of unsolicited advice about your standards. Stop asking others to validate your standards. Evaluate your own standards from time to time to see if they still make sense. For example in my 20s I didn't want to be set up with men who were overweight. In my 30s not as much of an issue. Why? Not because I was settling but because the types of men I was attracted to were changing. I never wavered with insisting the man was enthusiastic about starting a family, did not use illegal drugs, did not smoke, did not drink excessively on any regular basis. I declined second dates with at least two men who told me on the first date they smoked pot recreationally (they were in their 30s) and declined dates with two men who lied about their age - and one friend ended up dating one of those men for 7 years on and off and another friend ended up marrying the other guy who lied. In the first case he ended up being a jerk. In the second case they seemed happy together and she accepted his reasons for lying. No regrets on my end. At all. Follow your north star and do not settle or listen to those who suggest it's ok to settle. It's not IMO>

Agree with the others that this is a medical issue. You've reached your limit and your job is very important. When is your wedding date? Where are her parents/family? Can they come help? I mean yes cut her slack as she's in pain and her treatment of you can't always be as it was. But what was it like before-how does she handle her own illnesses or yours? What does she joke about -that she's not that sick -or your help?

But she's not making and keeping plans with you and they are not date plans. What do you mean "if she wants something" - you mean if she wants to date you? have sex with you? take drugs with you? What something do you want from her? So she stares - doesn't mean she wants to date you. It's not odd -it's a run of the mill drunken hook up. You want to date her -so ask her out on a date and it's your risk to take as far as her stability.

So I would avoid the generalizations about “every relationship “ and “no one is perfect “ and you’re 19. If you choose to keep seeing him it’s not about needing to learn a lesson. He could do great damage to your future if you’re wrong. If he repeats this behavior you could get roped in by association. I dated a few guys who were bad news. Luckily not for long. And yes around your age. I get it. But luckily I got out before real damage was done. One ended up in jail years later etc. I remember begging my dear friend’s teenage daughter to stay away from a guy who was bad news. Her mom asked me to try to talk to her. Nope. And she said what you did - all the excuses. He ended up trying to trash her reputation after they finally broke up. What a mess. I’d get out now before real damage is done. This is not about “he promised to declutter” or “he promised not to be late anymore for our dates”. Because if you’re wrong and he has photos he’s not supposed to have especially in compromising positions and he’s found out you might be swept in to the chaos. Imagine someone finds out and gets really angry. While you happen to be with him. You are in school right? Can you consider how distracting it will be if you find out he’s back to his creepy stuff while you’re studying for finals ? How sick you’ll feel and disgusted ? I mean maybe in your field of study grades aren’t that important. But just consider.

I would never take a photo of a stranger without the stranger’s permission. Certainly I’m in tourist photos as I walked by in the major city I used to live in. Not what I’m referring to. It’s even worse if the person takes a photo while the person is not fully clothed or up skirt like a photo taken in a rest room or a dressing room at a store. Obviously since you seem focused on hair splitting someone who is doing a street performance is someone who basically knows she might be photographed. But random strangers? I’d never do that. It’s inappropriate at best.

Don't get all tangled up with "he didn't mean it" - he meant to click his phone and photograph the person. He meant to keep the photo on his phone. Etc. Doesn't matter whether he planned to act like a creep.

Sorry -he doesn't get a pass for having "no self control". I have a 13 year old who has a teenage impulsive brain and guess what -he was photographed at school by another student and that student was disciplined for it and he knows how to be a decent human and acts like a decent human. I can understand lots of awful things people do but it doesn't mean I want to associate with the person on a personal level. I've had several similar experiences where I cut ties because they did something I understood and knew of their background but our values no longer aligned and I was not going to risk being personally involved and also giving anyone the impression that I condoned the values. I've been in situations where the person scammed people financially, lied on job applications and wanted me to help in covering up the lie, started using illegal drugs a lot, etc. It's not about understanding or forgiving when it comes to whether I choose to be personally involved. I think you're doing the apples and orange thing.

Again you're not being brutally honest with yourself -overcomplicating and playing around with pseudo-legal and psychological analysis is nonsensical -even if you were an attorney or therapist you'd be too biased in this situation. It doesn't matter because after he did it he retained the photo. So even if he didn't intend to be creepy he should have realized it was. Like yesterday -I sent a FB message to someone who liked a post of mine. We have a mutual friend. My message was friendly. Then I realized it might come across to a stranger as too much. So I unsent it. I didn't do it because it was "too much" but realized later it might give that impression and did damage control. Who cares. I think it's fine to fantasize about someone you saw on the street, on TV etc- our thoughts, imagination are fine - far different photographing someone and violating their privacy where the photo can be forwarded etc. My son when he was 10 had a playdate with a 10 year old boy and his mom -my friend. She took photos of them and shared the photos with me via text. Then she posted them on facebook. I asked her to take them down as we don't post photos of our son on facebook. She hadn't asked my permission. She could not understand why this was a problem, implied I was "paranoid" but ultimately took them down. I never thought she posted them "because" she was thoughtless, I thought her behavior after in giving me a hard time was thoughtless and rude. Who cares though -the point was she posted photos of my child on Facebook without my permission and then gave me a hard time before removing them. As far as the distraction about whether your boyfriend would photograph teenagers - does he know how old the woman was he photographed and did he care? What if he photographed a woman he thought was 20 but she was 17?